UPJOKE
bodyguardlinemansecuritydefendprotectsafetywardholddefenderpatrolsafeguardprotectorguardianpositionbabysit

Guard Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store

"A guardian of the galaxys"

my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having sex in the ocean.

Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.

While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, "How old are they?"

The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's a rather exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well," answers the guard, "The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and tha...

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?

Because they're working around the clock.

Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax?

To stop hispanic attacks.

Did you hear about the new Ceremony the Royal Palace Guards preform when Prince Harry is in town?

It's called, "The Changing of the Locks".

A young couple's house gets burgled, so they decide to get a guard dog...

The wife goes to a pet shop and tells the owner "I'd like to see the toughest guard dog you've got!"

The owner answers "I've got just the dog for you!". He presents to her to a tiny chihuahua called Roxy.

"Sure he's cute, but can he really guard a home?" she asks skeptically.

"L...

A guard asks a woman on death row what she’d like for her final meal.

“idk, what do you want?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the War, some German PoWs were working in a field in England when one of them called out to the guard.

By the bank of a nearby river a small boy was screaming for help. His dog had jumped in the river and couldn't get out. The German yelled "I go help, *ja*?". The guard gave him the okay and the German ran and jumped in the river.

In a few moments he had freed the dog from the weed it was tang...

I'm A Security Guard And My Boss Told Me It Was My Responsibility To Watch The Office Every Night

Already up to season 4 and have no idea what it has to do with being a security guard.

I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room...

...they hired me.

Chuck Norris’ security guard…

…is grateful to have Chuck protecting him.

Why do prison guards use Proactive?

To prevent breakouts.

What would a Skyrim guard say if he saw you choking a little girl?

No loli gaggin'

Why couldn't the life guard save the drowning hippie?

He was too far out, man.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens o...

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

A Blonde, a Brunette, and A Red Head are sentenced to death.

They are lined up in the yard to be killed. The main guard went up to the Brunette. “You have a choice on how you would like to die: by electric chair, firing squad, or hanging. Which will it be?”

The Brunette replied, “I’ll take the electric chair.”

She was led away by two other guar...

A Life Guard is walking along a beach

A Life Guard is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.

The Life guard laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new German coast guard officer was appointed during WWII

(This is an oldie that was an ad once upon a time.)

So, as he starts his new shift after a few brief instructions from his superior, he sits down when suddenly, over the radio, in a British accent, he hears

'Mayday! Mayday!'

'Mayday!'

'We're sinking!'

The German o...

A Russian Tourist Travels Abroad.

Border guard: Nationality?

Tourist: Russian.

Border guard: Occupation?

Tourist: No, no, just visiting this time.

A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.

The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You...

If you're the guard at a Samsung store ...

Does that make you the guardian of the galaxy?

Border guard asks the passenger:

-Nationality?

- Russian

-occupation?

- no, just a visit.

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

My wife recently became a crossing guard at our sons school.

She hates when I ask how the child trafficking is going.

Old army joke

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. He calls the previous commander up, now a maj...

A serpent guard, a Horus guard, and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment.

The serpent guard’s eyes glow. The Horus guard’s beak glistens. The Setesh guard’s nose drips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall.... (NSFW-ish)

My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiles then asked, "What's he like?"

The boy hesitated for a moment then replies,...

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands when a man walks up to him and says:


-Hey pal, can I buy your rifle?


-Of course not! There are fighter jets stored in here, what am I gonna if something happens and I dont have a gun?


-Dont worry, you could jus...

What did the Texas Coast Guard say to the three captured whales?

Whale, whale, whale

Prisoner complains to guard as he first arrives at prison:

Even the judge knows I'm being imprisoned for a crime I never committed!

Guard: What you in for?

Prisoner: Attempted murder.

OC

The prisoner pleaded, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!" The guard shrugged and sighed, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Remember kids...

...never let your guard down.

A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...

A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his new guard dog

A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The guy orders a beer and the dog flops down on the floor and immediately starts licking its butt. "This is my new attack dog," the guy tells the bartender. "He's very dangerous." The bartender looks at the dog that is still flopped down, panting, licking. "He does...

What's the difference between a security guard and a child playing Cops And Robbers?

The child doesn't have a complex about pretending to be a cop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Shah and the Guard

Once upon a time, far away in the ancient land of Persia, the ruler of the country was called the Shah and his wife was known as the Shahnee.

And it came to pass, in the fullness of time, that the Shahnee gave birth to a son, and this son, being the heir to the Peacock Throne was given the ti...

A rich man is leaving home in the morning when his overnight security guard asks for a word ...

"Boss, I had this dream your private jet had a problem and everyone on board of the flight died," the guard said.
The rich man, who had travel plans for that day decided to postpone it and to have the jet checked.
After a thorough investigation, an issue was found that'd certainly be fatal if ...

Two men and a blonde woman are in death row.

Two men and a blonde woman are in death row. They’ve had their last meals and prepare for what’s coming up. The warden calls one of the men and asks: “How would you like to go? Firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?”

The man thinks hard, and finally decides on the electric chair. After he ...

What are you stealing?

I worked at a factory making furniture. Every night I would leave the gate with a wheelbarrow full of sawdust and every night the factory guard checked through the sawdust as I left, looking for what I might be stealing… but I was too cleaver, he never found anything!

After 20 years, the guar...

How did the Russian spy distract the guard?

By stallin

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

Guard: Get in your cell

Prisoner: You can't make me. You don't run this cell.

Guard: *rips mask off to reveal mitochondria*
Actually, I do

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five...

But he just left him hanging.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier was standing guard next to a river in a remote area

A man trekking through the wilderness saw the soldier.

Surprised to see anyone, he called across to ask what he was doing there, but the soldier didn't respond.

It was a wide river, so maybe the soldier couldn't hear him. He decided to try using hand gestures to communicate instead.<...

My girlfriend got so kinky it caught me completely off guard

On several separate occasions she dressed as a teacher, a doctor, a police officer, and as a prison guard. But it didn't prepare me for what came yesterday.

Because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife asks her husband to buy a guard dog for their house.

The husband goes to the pet store and asks the clerk for a guard dog.

"I'm sorry," says the clerk. "We're all out of guard dogs. But we do have a guard cat."

"A guard cat?" says the confused husband.

"Yes," replies the clerk. "Allow me to explain." He puts a carpet on the floor ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife takes her husband to a strip club for their 20th anniversary

At the entrance, the guard says to the husband, "Hey Simon, how's it going?"
The woman asks her husband how he knows you, the husband answers from the gym.
They enter and sit at the bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey Simon, the usual?".
The husband turns to his wife tensely saying, we pla...

I used to work as an insecurity guard.

But I don't think I was very good at it.

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin expla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

Interview for the position of security guard in India

Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English?

Candidate: Are the thieves from England?

Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am.But due to covid regulations, swimming in the hotel pool is prohibited"

Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"

Security guard :" Well, there is no prohibition about that".

A Guard Interrogates prisoner

Guard: Ygolohcysp

Prisoner: Alright I did it I committed the murder, How did you get my to confess so easily man?

Guard: I used reverse psychology

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.

Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end...

What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak

Pamela Adlon told this joke on Somebody Feed Phil. Have never heard it before, it caught me off guard, and I loved it

Old man Rosenberg is laying on his death bed in his family’s home. All of a sudden he gets a whiff of the best thing he’s ever smelled.
“What is that glorious smell?? I know that smell. Oh lord it’s my daughters famous brisket.”
A few minutes go by and his grandson Ezra comes into his room. <...

King Charles has authorised a new Royal Ceremony that the Guards regiments will perform anytime that Prince Harry is in the country.

It will be called "The Changing of the Locks"



(with thanks to Matt, of the Daily Telegraph)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two border guards

Two border guards are doing their final patrol of the night along the US-Canadian border. Half an hour before their shift is up, they hear some rustling along the path. They rush forward to check it out only to find a man who has committed suicide by hanging himself.


"Crap, the paperwork ...

I had many career paths to choose from - lawyer, prison guard, veterinarian

but none of them satisfied my desire to work with animals quite like being a teacher

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

The king's guard bursts into the throne room...

Out of breath and in a panic they alert the king
> Sire, the peasants, they're revolting!


The king nods and responds:
>Mmm yes, they are quite disgusting aren't they

Jan 22. 2021, Washington DC A guy goes up to a guard at the White House and says "How do I get in to see President Trump?"

The guard says "Didn't you hear? Trump isn't president any more. Biden is president." The guy walks away.

Next day, same guy goes up to the same guard and asks again:

"How do I get in to see President Trump?" And the guard says "Sir, I told you yesterday, Trump isn't president any ...

From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?

You.

Why I oughta...!

Who'd want to be Trump's security guard ?

\- you shout "Donald, Duck" & everybody would just laugh

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

A guard abandoned his post due to overwhelming fear

He was called by his supervisor.

"Stand your ground, guard damn it!"

So the life guard jacked me up the other day...

"Hey, I'm going to have to throw you out. You can't pee in the pool!"

"Everyone pees in the damn pool!" I say.

"That's a maybe, but not from the diving board!"

German life guard joke



A group of tourists were on a boat in hamburg when the engine exploded and created a fire in the bottom of the boat.

They quickly called up the German coast guard for the German Life. Who answered with "Ja, Hallo, dis is ze German Coast Guard, How can i help you?

They responde...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Top 10 Things That Prison Guards Hate

10) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

9) Coming up with one too many during a head count.

8) Having to break up a fight in the shower.

7) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your financial...

Guards Conversation on Epstein.

Guard One:

"have you checked on Epstein lately?"



Guard two:

"Yea, he's just hanging out in his cell."

Why are the gates of Heaven guarded?

Because everybody’s dying to get in.

German Coast Guard

A Canadian ship is passing thru European waters. Suddenly, disaster strikes and they begin to take on water. The captain, in a panic, gets on his radio to send out an S.O.S. The only response he hears is the heavy accent of the German coast guard speaking broken English.

Captain: “This is a ...

A prison guard is trying to catch someone escaping

The prisoner was a little person who climbed the fence and as he was going down the other side he laughed at the guard. The guard watched in disbelief thinking, "Now that is a little con-decending."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prison guard gives Bill Cosby and opportunity...

After several brutal years in prison, Bill Cosby is approached by a prison guard who presents him with what seems like a great opportunity.

"Bill," he says, "you've demonstrated good behavior in here for the past couple years despite all the harassment from the other inmates. I know it must n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

A ship radios the German coast guard

Ship: Help we are sinking!

German coast guard: wot are you sinking about?

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.

The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.

He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. <...

What's a prison guard's favorite game?

Hangman

Epstein went up to a guard, in hopes of high five, but the guard instead walked off to go take a nap...

"Don't leave me hanging", said Epstein, ripping the bedsheets off his bed.

A security guard about to start his night shift finds it weird to see his boss coming into the office...

"Hey boss? Working late tonight?"

"Yes, I'm flying to Europe tomorrow, family trip."

In the morning, minutes before the security guard's shift end, the man spots his boss again, but now sharing some strong words.

"Boss, please don't get on that plane. I had a terrible dream it w...

As you probably know, the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle.

As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle. One day one of the guards moved just a bit. The sergeant rushed over and said "George, did I see you flinch?" George replied "Yes sir. You see there was a squirrel in the tree. He ran down the tree across the ...

A man walks into the casino and asks a security guard which machine people get the most money from

The guard points to the ATM machine.

Last night I dreamed I was in Paris. The year was 1789.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
...

A couple decide that they need a guard dog

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars,...

I used to be a body guard for Donald Trump

One day, an assassination attempt took place, and when the man tried to shoot, I shouted "Mickey Mouse!".

After the attempt, Trump asked why I shouted Mickey Mouse, to which I replied "sorry, I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck!'"

President Trump's greatest accomplishment was making us give the Coast Guard the respect that it deserves as a branch of the Armed Forces.

He accomplished this by creating the Space Force.

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Roman Soldiers are standing guard...

In an attempt to make conversation, guard 1 makes a suggestion:

1: What if we had a word to describe people who haven’t had sex? What would it be?

2: Why would you think that!? It’s an arbitrary category and could make people uncomfortable. Think about their self esteem!

1: Calm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DJ gets Caught Off Guard

A guy calls into a radio station and he says he has a joke for the DJ. The DJ goes, “Alright, let’s hear it.”

The caller asks, “First, are we allowed to say ‘penis’ on the air?”

The DJ says, “It is the specific medical or clinical term so yes, you can use it.”

Caller: “OK, what...

I saw a guard slacking and he was surprised to see me.

I think I caught him off guard.

I've bought the best guard dog.

I've spent the past 3 days trying to get back into my house.

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven.

He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. “Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?”

“Sure,” replied Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

“Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve ...

My wife volunteers every week as a school crossing guard.

I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.

What's a Tibet border guard's favourite pastime?

Chinese Checkers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The king is afraid that the queen was disloyal to him and had sex with the castle guards.

So the king got a witch to put a magical spell on the queen so that anything that goes into the queen’s body gets chopped off.

One day, the king decides to summon all the men up and orders them to show him their private parts.
All the men had no penis except one of them.
The king walk...

A senior citizen is pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.

The trooper says, “If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The old gentleman replies, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.” The trooper frowns. “That’s a repost, sir. You’re under arrest. I’m afraid I...

A roman soldier was guarding a crossroads when Senator Churry approached.

"Do you know the way to the Coliseum?", asked Churry.

The soldier pointed straight ahead.

After that, the Roman sent Churry on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thinking about getting a guard dog and calling him Kenny Doggins

Any unwelcome vistors will be stepping right into the Danger Zone.

What did the prison guard give to the criminal?

Pimple cream so he won’t break out.

A man goes to prison

Its his first day in the prison, a while later he sees his cellmate go the the door and yells trough it: "#12!", and a few people from different cells chuckle. A few hours later another man goes to the door and yells: "#31!", and a few people start laughing, even the guards smile. Then having gathe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Skyrim guards and Pornhub share a similar rule

No Loli Gagging

How many prison guards does it take to push an inmate down the stairs?

None, he fell.

The border guard asks Napoleon ‘Can you tell me your nationality?’

‘Course I can.
Corsican.’

I was stopped at the border by a guard who asked me "do you have any weapons?"

I said, "what do you need?"

a person died and reached the gates of heaven. An angel was guarding the gates.

a person died and reached the gates of heaven. An angel was guarding the gates. The Angel said "to enter the heaven, you need to answer 3 questions". The person agreed. (Angel : A, Person : P)
A : name 2 days of a week, that starts with letter T.
P : Today and tomorrow
A: ok, I can ac...

A German coast guard and an English ship

A German coast guard is doing maintenance on the shores of the North Sea near France. They come upon an English ship which seems to be sinking.

The captain of the English ship shouts to the coast guard, "Mayday mayday, we're sinking!"

The German coast guard then replies, " What are you...

Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them ou...

Soviet Curfew

A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.

“What did you...

I could never believe that my father stole when he had a job as a crossing guard...

But the signs where there...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler' bodyguard was guarding his bedroom door.

A guy walks up to him and asks, "How do you like being Hitler's bodyguard?". The bodyguard replies, "It's okay, but I am starting to have second thoughts. The guy says, "Why is that?". The bodyguard responds, "Well all these time travelers from the future keep coming back to try to kill him".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do an insane asylum guard and a pornstar have in common?

They both bust nuts

The guard pulled the switch on the electric chair.

What happens next will shock you.

BREAKING : Prison guard responsible for watching Jeffrey Epstein killed in tragic house fire

Time of death was 11:26am, tomorrow.

A Blonde, a Redhead, and a Brunette are running from some guards in a medieval castle c.1320.

They stumble into a storage room on the far side of the keep that is piled high with boxes, barrels and sacks. The Redhead hurriedly empties a bunch of potatoes out of one of the burlaps and climbs inside. The Brunette and the Blonde quickly follow suit.
The guards are about to rush past the sto...

I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women

I would be invisible to them

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.