3 strings walk into a bar and sit down at a booth.

The first string goes up to the bar and asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender says “We don’t serve strings here, you should leave.”

The string goes back to his buddies and tells them the bad news. The second string is furious, and approaches the bar, and demands 3 beers with his money...

The other night I spent hours and hours putting up a decent bookshelf. Came to sit down and the entire thing collapsed

Guess I've only got myshelf to blame.

A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn't seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.

Friend: So do you have any kids?

Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys.

Friend: Nice! What are their names?

Woman: Steve.

Friend: You mean... All of them are named Steve?

Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's ...

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

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[Long] Two brothers, a vegan and a carnivore, sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together with their family...

The father intones, "on this day of thanks, let us give thanks to God..."

The vegan brother interrupts..."I'm not eating the turkey..."

The carnivore brother replies, " that's fine, there's plenty of other food on the table."

The vegan then says " I'm not eating any of the stuff...

Have you ever wondered why people always tell you to sit down before telling you bad news?

It is because you won't stand for it.

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Two Italian men get on a bus, they sit down and engage in an animated conversation...

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta t...

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A woman on a train is refusing to let a tired soldier sit down

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the trai...

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2 pieces of black pavement walk into a bar, order 2 beers and sit down at a table.

5 minutes later a green piece of pavement walks in, and as soon as it does the black pieces dive under the table to hide, trembling with fear.

The green pavement has a quick drink and leaves the bar.

The barman approaches the black pavement and asked what the problem is, stating "tha...

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talk...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and and Irishman all enter a pub, sit down at the bar, and each orders a pint.

By some incredible coincidence, three flies come along and each one lands in a separate glass.

The Englishman pushes his glass away in disgust and demands that it be replaced on the house.

The Scotsman scoops the fly out of his beer, drops it on the bar top, and continues to sip.
...

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A married couple is having some issues in their relationship and decide to see a marriage councilor. They sit down on the couch and the councilor says, "I'd like to start this session off by focusing on the positive things in your relationship. Tell me, what do you have in common?"

The husband quickly replies, "Neither one of us sucks dick."

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A man walks into a bar. He sees another patron and decides to sit down next to him.

A man walks into a bar. He sees one other patron in the bar and decides to sit down next to him. After a few drinks the man starts chatting up the patron.

Eventually, after a few more drinks and conversation, the patron asks the man if he wants to see something really incredible, but that he...

A priest, a rabbi and an imam sit down for breakfast at Denny’s where they each order a grand slam and a cup of coffee.

They set aside their religious differences and bond over the hearth of American comfort food.

It’s just delightful.

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A nun and a rastafarian sit down on a bus

The Rastafarian asks the nun if she’ll go on a date with him and then go back to his place. The nun is disgusted and tells him she sworn to only the lord and leaves

The bus driver tell the Rastafarian that that every night she goes to pray in the church courtyard and could find her there.
...

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A family of three sit down for dinner

The son asks his mother, "Why does the dog lick its ass under the dinner table?"

The mother replies, "To get the taste of your father's cooking out of its mouth."

I was on the bus the other day and saw a guy sit down on his glasses.

I guess his hindsight wasn’t 20/20.

Two men walk into a restaurant and sit down.

A very beautiful waitress comes to their table to serve them. The first man orders, then the woman looks to the second man.

“And what would you like?” she asks.

The man smiles at the server and answers: “A quickie.”

The waitress screws up her face in total disgust. “What did yo...

“Leroy, sit down!”

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.
...

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Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down

The bartender comes over and asks them what they want to drink

1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood

2nd Vampire: I want a double shot

3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water

So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but look...

A lawyer, garbage collector, and hair stylist sit down at a bar

The lawyer orders a shot of whiskey and drinks it right away. The garbage collector orders some tequila and downs it immidiatly. The hair stylist says "I don't do shots" and then quickly dies of polio.

A priest, a biologist, and a mathematician sit down in a cafe.

As they chat, they see two men go into the bathroom. After a few minutes the bathroom door opens and three men walk out.

The priest says excitedly: “I swear that bathroom was empty. We have just witnessed a miracle!”

The biologist answers: “There must be a natural explanation. They hav...

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"Mom, Dad, sit down. I've got to tell you something. I'm gay."

Dad: [sighs, hands Mom 5 bucks]

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3 female friends sit down for coffee...

One of them starts talking about her recent sex-scapades with her husband:

"Well girls, last night when Andy came back from work he looked really tired, so I told him to go have a cold shower and I'd take care of him. When he goes to the bathroom, I wore my sexiest lingerie and laid down on t...

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit down next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

So that both of us are in A la mode.

I saw some people building a new bridge near me. Every lunch break they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins.

It was very civil engineering.

So I'm in a bar and two large women with accents walk in and sit down.

I look over to them and say: "hey ladies, nice accents. Are you from Scotland?"

One of the ladies yells: "it's Wales, you idiot!!"

So I said: "Ok, that's cool. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much else.

The heads of state of the US and China sit down to a meeting.

Donald Trump says to Xi Jinping, "I'm gonna build a wall, it's going to be the best wall, Jinping, you've got a wall, I'm going to build it better than yours."

Xi replies, "It took thousands of Chinese workers a very long time to build the Great Wall. Are you sure your country is ready for th...

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11:59pm - Sit down to take a dump

12:01am - Same shit, different day.

There's an entire country in Africa without any sit down restaurants.

That's why they named it Togo

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Boyfriend and girlfriend go into a restaurant and sit down in a booth. There is a man sitting at the bar, checking the woman out, up and down.

As the boyfriend gets up to go to the bathroom,
the man walks over the the girlfriend, sits down
right across from her and looks her right in the
eyes. Without blinking he says, "I want to suck
your nipples raw, and fill your pussy up with
Tequila, and sip it out with a straw." Need...

What state would expect to see a priest pray, sneeze and sit down

Massachusetts

What time does Sean Connery sit down to watch Wimbledon?

Tennish.

Two gentlemen walk into a bar and sit down. The first man asks the bartender for some "H2O."

The second man, nodding in agreement says, "I'll have some H2O too."

The bartender quickly gets their drinks together and sets it down in front of them. The first man takes a sip of water and comments how refreshing that was.

The second man pulls out a knife and stabs the first man a b...

Benjamin Franklin and George Washington walk into a bar and sit down next to Trump.

Franklin turns to Trump and says: "I do not believe you understand the value of liberty, my good fellow."

Trump turns to Franklin and gives him a $100 dollar bill and says: "Of course I do. Money rules this world, Mr. Franklin. That's all I need to know!" Trump taps Franklin's portrait on ...

My dad asked why I always sit down in stalls to pee

I angrily retorted "I'm looking through Reddit", pulled up my zipper, and walked out of the stall.

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A Rich Man and a Poor Man sit down at a bar...

“What’s in the box?” asks the Poor Man.
“A diamond necklace!” exclaimed the Rich Man, “a gift for my wife of 25 years.”
“Hey, I’m celebrating my 25th anniversary too”, says the Poor Man.
“Oh really, so what’d you get her?” asks the Rich Man.
“A pair of slippers”, he replied.
“Ve...

Where does a catcher sit down for dinner?

Behind the plate

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Two guys sit down on a train...

Two men sit down on a train, in the same cabin, and begin reading the newspaper.

When they look up, they make eye contact, and both realize, they each had a black eye.

Both men start to chuckle, and decided to exchange stories

Guy1: "...Yeah, I really got it."

Guy2: "Me ...

Alan and Philip sit down at the bar

Bar tender asks what can I get you tools?

The CEOS of Budweiser, Miller, Heineken and Guinness sit down for a meal...

The waitress comes by for a drink order, and each orders their own.
Budweiser CEO: “I’ll have a Bud”
Miller: “MGD for me”
Heineken: “I’ll have a Heineken”
Guinness: “Iced tea”

Everyone stares.

Guinness replies: “what? If you aren’t drinking beer, neither am I!”

Four Priests and a Woman Sit Down For Lunch around St. Peter's Square...

The first priest says: "My son's a priest, whenever he walks in a room people say 'Hello Father!'"
The second priest says: "My son's a bishop, whenever he walks into a room people say 'Your Grace!"
The third priest says: "Well my son's a cardinal, whenever he walks into a room people say "You...

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I just saw some girl sit down on various fruits

Fucking bananas, if you ask me

A smart scientist amd a blonde girl sit down on a plane.

A very smart man boards a plane and sits down.
A blond girl sits next to him.

He is bored so he says to her

"Let's play a game, I give you a riddle if you cannot find the answer you pay me 5 dollars. If you answer it though you give me a riddle and I don't answer it I'll give you 30...

Pupil: My neighbour, Mr Chang, got run over and killed by a steam roller. Teacher: Johnny! That’s awful and has nothing to do with the homework I set you. Sit down immediately!

Pupil: But Miss, you said we had to talk about crushed Asians.

Two men sit down at a restaurant.

A waitress comes to their table and takes their drink order. When she returns a few minutes later with their beverages, she finds them both eating sandwiches out of paper bags. "Hey!" she says, "you can't eat your own food here!" So they trade sandwiches.

My favourite thing to do after a long day at work is sit down and take off all my clothes.

It makes my train journey more entertaining.

Three men sit down for a drink

An American, a German and a Russian. After a few hours the three decide to brag about who can drink more. The American goes first and holds up one finger. "I can drink one bottle of vodka in one sitting". The other two applaud him as that is an impressive feat. The German goes second and holds up t...

Two cannibals sit down to eat

The one ask to the other why he is so sad?

I don't like my mother in law

It's okay, just eat your chips then

The CEOs of United Airlines and Cincinnati Zoo want to sit down in a bar with the bar owner.

They can't find a seat but there is a booth on a wall with 3 gentleman in it.

The CEO of United Airlines says "watch this", clicks his fingers and a couple of goons come in, and roughly pull the first gentleman out of the seat.

The CEO of Cincinnati Zoo says "that's nothing", clicks hi...

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