After a long day of duck hunting I was famished... so I decided to sit down, put my feet up, and have my favorite snack...

Cheese and quackers.

(Translated from Estonian) A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After he had found a place to sit down, he suddenly feels an urge to pee.

But he just can't leave the beer on the table, somebody would drink it. He also can't take the beer to the toilet, that would just be weird.

So, he suddenly had an idea to leave a sign next to the beer. The sign said: "I spit in here".

When he got back from the toilet, he found another...

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one l...

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Two cannibals sit down in their hut and begin to eat a missionary.

One starts at the head and the other starts at the feet. After a few bites ...

Cannibal #1: "Are you enjoying the missionary?"

Cannibal #2: "Yes. I'm having a ball!"

Cannibal #1: "You're eating too fast."

A man goes to visit his elderly father at a senior home and they sit down to have a mediocre meal.

A nurse stands behind the old man and after a bit he begins to lean way over to his right. The nurse jumps over there and pushes him back, straight up in his seat. He then begins to lean way over to his left and the nurse again jumps over and straightens the old man out. This happens a few more time...

A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn't seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.

Friend: So do you have any kids?

Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys.

Friend: Nice! What are their names?

Woman: Steve.

Friend: You mean... All of them are named Steve?

Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's ...

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An Australian, Englishman and a Irishman sit down for lunch.

They all pullout there lunch a vegimite sandwich for the Australian, soup for the Englishman and a patato for the Irishman. They all sigh and say 'if I have this for lunch one more time I'm going to kill myself!'

The next day the all have the same thing and they all follow through with there ...

3 strings walk into a bar and sit down at a booth.

The first string goes up to the bar and asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender says “We don’t serve strings here, you should leave.”

The string goes back to his buddies and tells them the bad news. The second string is furious, and approaches the bar, and demands 3 beers with his money...

The other night I spent hours and hours putting up a decent bookshelf. Came to sit down and the entire thing collapsed

Guess I've only got myshelf to blame.

My doctor told me to sit down when I take a leak.

He didn’t want me lifting anything heavy.

Poseidon, Zeus, and Hades sit down for a drink.

They know that, because of those pesky humans, it will be their last meeting in a long time. Zeus is attempting to combat climate change, Poseidon is dealing with rampant pollution and rising sea levels, and Hades needs to update his infrastructure to deal with the massive influx of souls after WW3....

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2 pieces of black pavement walk into a bar, order 2 beers and sit down at a table.

5 minutes later a green piece of pavement walks in, and as soon as it does the black pieces dive under the table to hide, trembling with fear.

The green pavement has a quick drink and leaves the bar.

The barman approaches the black pavement and asked what the problem is, stating "tha...

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[Long] Two brothers, a vegan and a carnivore, sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together with their family...

The father intones, "on this day of thanks, let us give thanks to God..."

The vegan brother interrupts..."I'm not eating the turkey..."

The carnivore brother replies, " that's fine, there's plenty of other food on the table."

The vegan then says " I'm not eating any of the stuff...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and and Irishman all enter a pub, sit down at the bar, and each orders a pint.

By some incredible coincidence, three flies come along and each one lands in a separate glass.

The Englishman pushes his glass away in disgust and demands that it be replaced on the house.

The Scotsman scoops the fly out of his beer, drops it on the bar top, and continues to sip.
...

Have you ever wondered why people always tell you to sit down before telling you bad news?

It is because you won't stand for it.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talk...

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A married couple is having some issues in their relationship and decide to see a marriage councilor. They sit down on the couch and the councilor says, "I'd like to start this session off by focusing on the positive things in your relationship. Tell me, what do you have in common?"

The husband quickly replies, "Neither one of us sucks dick."

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A man walks into a bar. He sees another patron and decides to sit down next to him.

A man walks into a bar. He sees one other patron in the bar and decides to sit down next to him. After a few drinks the man starts chatting up the patron.

Eventually, after a few more drinks and conversation, the patron asks the man if he wants to see something really incredible, but that he...

A priest, a rabbi and an imam sit down for breakfast at Denny’s where they each order a grand slam and a cup of coffee.

They set aside their religious differences and bond over the hearth of American comfort food.

It’s just delightful.

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A nun and a rastafarian sit down on a bus

The Rastafarian asks the nun if she’ll go on a date with him and then go back to his place. The nun is disgusted and tells him she sworn to only the lord and leaves

The bus driver tell the Rastafarian that that every night she goes to pray in the church courtyard and could find her there.
...

“Leroy, sit down!”

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.
...

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Boyfriend and girlfriend go into a restaurant and sit down in a booth. There is a man sitting at the bar, checking the woman out, up and down.

As the boyfriend gets up to go to the bathroom,
the man walks over the the girlfriend, sits down
right across from her and looks her right in the
eyes. Without blinking he says, "I want to suck
your nipples raw, and fill your pussy up with
Tequila, and sip it out with a straw." Need...

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Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down

The bartender comes over and asks them what they want to drink

1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood

2nd Vampire: I want a double shot

3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water

So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but look...

Two men walk into a restaurant and sit down.

A very beautiful waitress comes to their table to serve them. The first man orders, then the woman looks to the second man.

“And what would you like?” she asks.

The man smiles at the server and answers: “A quickie.”

The waitress screws up her face in total disgust. “What did yo...

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A family of three sit down for dinner

The son asks his mother, "Why does the dog lick its ass under the dinner table?"

The mother replies, "To get the taste of your father's cooking out of its mouth."

I was on the bus the other day and saw a guy sit down on his glasses.

I guess his hindsight wasn’t 20/20.

A lawyer, garbage collector, and hair stylist sit down at a bar

The lawyer orders a shot of whiskey and drinks it right away. The garbage collector orders some tequila and downs it immidiatly. The hair stylist says "I don't do shots" and then quickly dies of polio.

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3 female friends sit down for coffee...

One of them starts talking about her recent sex-scapades with her husband:

"Well girls, last night when Andy came back from work he looked really tired, so I told him to go have a cold shower and I'd take care of him. When he goes to the bathroom, I wore my sexiest lingerie and laid down on t...

So I'm in a bar and two large women with accents walk in and sit down.

I look over to them and say: "hey ladies, nice accents. Are you from Scotland?"

One of the ladies yells: "it's Wales, you idiot!!"

So I said: "Ok, that's cool. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much else.

A priest, a biologist, and a mathematician sit down in a cafe.

As they chat, they see two men go into the bathroom. After a few minutes the bathroom door opens and three men walk out.

The priest says excitedly: “I swear that bathroom was empty. We have just witnessed a miracle!”

The biologist answers: “There must be a natural explanation. They hav...

I saw some people building a new bridge near me. Every lunch break they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins.

It was very civil engineering.

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"Mom, Dad, sit down. I've got to tell you something. I'm gay."

Dad: [sighs, hands Mom 5 bucks]

Benjamin Franklin and George Washington walk into a bar and sit down next to Trump.

Franklin turns to Trump and says: "I do not believe you understand the value of liberty, my good fellow."

Trump turns to Franklin and gives him a $100 dollar bill and says: "Of course I do. Money rules this world, Mr. Franklin. That's all I need to know!" Trump taps Franklin's portrait on ...

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11:59pm - Sit down to take a dump

12:01am - Same shit, different day.

There's an entire country in Africa without any sit down restaurants.

That's why they named it Togo

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit down next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

So that both of us are in A la mode.

What state would expect to see a priest pray, sneeze and sit down

Massachusetts

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Two guys sit down on a train...

Two men sit down on a train, in the same cabin, and begin reading the newspaper.

When they look up, they make eye contact, and both realize, they each had a black eye.

Both men start to chuckle, and decided to exchange stories

Guy1: "...Yeah, I really got it."

Guy2: "Me ...

The heads of state of the US and China sit down to a meeting.

Donald Trump says to Xi Jinping, "I'm gonna build a wall, it's going to be the best wall, Jinping, you've got a wall, I'm going to build it better than yours."

Xi replies, "It took thousands of Chinese workers a very long time to build the Great Wall. Are you sure your country is ready for th...

What time does Sean Connery sit down to watch Wimbledon?

Tennish.

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Two gentlemen walk into a bar and sit down. The first man asks the bartender for some "H2O."

The second man, nodding in agreement says, "I'll have some H2O too."

The bartender quickly gets their drinks together and sets it down in front of them. The first man takes a sip of water and comments how refreshing that was.

The second man pulls out a knife and stabs the first man a b...

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