The 102+ Best Model Jokes

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.

It’s a pretty good µ-boat.

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No."

“It’s to look at.”

I told my mate I'd built a model of the Himalayas.

He said "To scale?"

I said "No, just to look at"

Her (On Tinder): I'm a model on Instagram! What do you do?

Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.

Did you hear about the mass murderer who moonlighted as a model

He had the face of a 20-year-old, then a 35-year-old, then a 16-year-old...

My maths teacher is also a successful model...

That's what I call a significant figure.

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What's the difference between model trains and titties?

Nothing, both are intended for children but it's the dads who are playing with them.

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

My dog made a model boat. It was rubbish

But in fairness, the rope she'd tied to hold it to the dock held pretty well.

I guess her barque is worse than her bight

As Steven Weinberg was finishing the presentation of his contributions to the Standard Model, a colleague asks:

"This work is incredible. Do you understand the gravity of what you've done?"

Weinberg: "No, weren't you listening? That's the only force we don't understand."

(I'm sorry for this terrible and obscure joke, feel free to downvote.)

I just recently finished building a model of Mt. Everest and a friend asked, "Is it to scale?"

"No," I said.
"It's to look at."

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

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This guy is sitting in a bar when this beautiful super model walks in.

So after a few minutes, the guy walks over to her. He leans in and whispers in her ear " Hey can I smell your pussy?" The girl is irate, and she screams at him "What is wrong with you?! That's disgusting! How could you say that?!! NO! You cannot smell my pussy!!!" and the guy says " oh, well I g...

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When Indiana Jones was a kid he had a collection of model trucks.

He loved those trucks and he and the neighbour's kid would spend hours playing with them on a special table that was used only for Indy's trucks. They would set up elaborate dioramas on the 'truck table', adding to the displays whenever Indy came into possession of a new truck.

Fast forward a...

Today, my 10 y/o nephew proudly showed me a model airplane he had built.

"Not too bad," I said, pulling out my iPhone. "But see what Chinese kids of your age can do."

What do you call a super model with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese

Mastering the art of building the perfect model railway, can be quite tough...

But, with a little train in. You'll soon have the perfect set up

They put a model of young Darth Vader in the wax museum…

…actually it was Mannequin Skywalker.

Mr. Zuckerberg how do you sustain a business model in which users don’t pay for your services?

Zuckerberg: “1010011010”.......Ahem

Zuckerberg: “Senator, we run ads”

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Take most Ford and most Dodge models...now put the word Anal in front of the model name

Anal charger, Anal challenger, Anal expedition, Anal Fiesta...

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common?

Both always end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

How would a nerd date an aged super-model?

Using carbon-14.

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To all the hot women out there: I may be 50 years old,but I have the body of a 25 year old model with a 12 inch dick

In my freezer.

Did you hear about Walmart's new business model?

Walmart bought the rights to Toys-R-Us and is merging with it. They are changing the mascot from a giraffe to a sea mammal, though.

They're gonna call it, Wal-R-Us.

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A doctor and a sex offender which live next to each other have the same house model.

After a while they both decide to sell their house. One day the sex offender comes up to the doctor and asks "hey doc, how much are you selling your house for?". "150k" anwsers the doctor. "Only 150? I am selling mine for 350k" says the sex offender. "Why are you selling it for that much, we have th...

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I was offered sex with a 24 year old Instagram model last night. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon scent or vanilla.

Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model...

They hired me as the "before" picture.

Just tried explaining a girl the Quantum Model

She found it a Bohr.

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My wife of 25 years laughed when I said I still had the body of a sexy model.

Until she checked the deep freeze in the garage.

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anyone who's constipated is my role model.

Because they dont give a shit for anything.

Atheism has a rubbish business model

It's non-prophet.

I think Model Trains cast an unrealistic beauty standard on actual trains...

But model trains never eat and real trains are always CHEW CHEW CHEW-ing

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

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Did you hear about the model that fucked a clown?

It was pretty fucking funny.

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Why is masturbation like being a glove model?

They're both hand jobs.

Two Swedish models, Astrid and Ebba, are at a photoshoot

The photographer takes a few shots, takes a minute to switch to a different lens, spends some time adjusting the camera to the new lens, and then resumes.

After he's repeated this process a few times, Astrid gets visibly frustrated with the continual delays to the shoot. She turns to Ebba and...

I wanted to buy a large model of the number eleven thousand one hundred and eleven

But then I changed my mind as I realised it was going to cost me 5 big ones

Why didn't the guy date the model with no legs?

He was lack toes intolerant

I've started my own buisness building model yachts in my attic during lockdown.

Sales are going through the roof.

(I'll take my things and leave now..)

Tha Apple car will be the first car that will slow down when they release a new model.

They said this is a joke.. I'm not sure..

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The wife asked me if I thought she could be a model..

"There's no fucking chance you fat bastard." I laughed.

"Fuck off." She sobbed. "I'll have you know I've got a try-out for a modelling job this afternoon." She then grabbed her coat and stormed out.

A few hours later, she came home. "Well fuck you." She said proudly. "You're now lookin...

Did you hear that Apple is coming out with YET ANOTHER new iPhone model?

Critics are calling it the iPhone Xs.

(Edit: I hate to put this here but: pronounced like “Excess”)

Two men were washed ashore during WWI.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

What is the equivalent of being a model at Instagram?

Being a millionaire in Monopoly.

Seems my girlfriend's moonlighting as a parts model

I overheard her on the phone to her friend, boasting about how much she was earning doing hand and foot jobs.

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

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Boobs are like model trains

they’re made for the kids, but usually it’s the dads who end up playing with them the most

An Artist asks his model if she’s okay with nudity

Model-“Yes I am”
Artist- “Thank God! These pants were killing me!”

A man who collects model trains was driving his wife insane with all the money he was spending on his hobby

One day, he went too far and spent nearly $1000 on a model train. His wife was so furious she took the train and broke it over his head.
So he took her to court for domestic caboose.

My sister said she wanted to be a model

I told her that it would take 20 minutes in photoshop minimum

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A sailor and a female model survive a shipwreck.

A ship sinks, and a sailor and a female model manage to swim to an unpopulated island. There are enough resources for them to survive, so they start to live there, eventually becoming a couple. After two years, the sailor suddenly looks at the model with a desperate expression, and says" "I cannot t...

There are rumors that Tesla is considering on a stretched, three row version of their Model X SUV. The project is on Musk's desk waiting for a decision on whether to go forward.

Their next car is Elon gated.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball.

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume. The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced. The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

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A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

I have the body of a 24 year old model

But it takes up too much room in my fridge.

There was a fire at my local model village today

Eye witness reports claim that flames could be seen from up to 3 feet away

My girlfriend, an Instagram model, asked me to go to the store. She said to get groceries and nothing else.

Just food for thot.

Did you hear about the super model with IBS that committed a fashion faux pas?

Got runs in her stockings.

I heard an Italian supercar manufacturer is going to be making its next model be covered in chocolate and hazelnuts

They're calling it the Ferrari Rocher

Why do vampires like single proprietorship model of ownership?

Coz, they are afraid of stake-holders!

I told my friends I am an Instagram Model

‘Unemployed’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it

I tried model glue the other day

She still got away

Porsche wanted to name their new car the Model E

But the name was already Taycan.

For all you men dreaming of elaborate ways of hooking up with an Instagram model, all it took me was a good dinner date....

Just some food for thot.

My side hustle (building model boats in my attic) is going so well that...

I might have to move to new premises.

Sales are through the roof.

How are climate models like birthday cakes?

If you pay someone to bake you one, they can make it say whatever you want.

I dont get why Christians are so bad at managing money. Aren't they supposed to model Him?

And He is known as the God who saves!

Im so sorry.

What plane model can carry the most thots?

Hoeing 737

my friend has a model fish collection

they are all to scale

An italian mafia man got in to a Mercedes-Benz model taxi

As he was sitting in the back, he asked the driver: "why is that hood ornament sticking out like that in mercs?"
The driver answered jokingly: so it would be easier to aim when driving over pedestrians. See that old lady crossing the road over there?" driver started to acclerate towards her and ...

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.

"I stopped you because you were goin...

What’s the model name of Tesla’s new SUV?

Journalist: “What’s the model name of the upcoming SUV?”

Elon Musk: ’Y’.

Journalist: “Because I’m asking.”

Musk: “And I’m telling you.”

Journalist: “So if you’re telling me, what did you say it’s called?”

Musk: ‘Y’

Journalist: “Why?”

Musk: “Exactly.”<...

My girlfriend has the body of a model..

And a life prison sentence.

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SUPER DELUXE MODEL!

A German guy was in a bad car accident and after months of recovery he still has a problem. He had his penis amputated. He goes to see the doctor in America and the doctor reassures him that he can help him.

"First of all you have to pick a new penis" says the doctor. The doctor picks up a b...

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

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Olie & Lena are driving down the road in their Model T...

Suddenly, a mother skunk enters the roadway with her two young babies. Olie can’t stop in time and runs the mother over.

It winter time and Lena jumps out of the car to rescue the two orphans. She gets them back in and they’re shivering:

“Oh, Olie! They’re so cold! What should I do ...

How arrogant do you need to be to apply to be a model?

Pretty

Yesterday, I applied to model for Calvin's

I hope they don't deKlein...

The problem with dating a model...

... is that she's only 5 inches tall and I have to paint her myself.

Picabo Street is a former World Cup alpine ski racer and model. When she was inducted into the National Ski Hall of Fame in 2004, her home town of Triumph, Idaho dedicated an entire wing of the local hospital to her.

It's called the Picabo ICU.

Did you hear about the model who thought she was going to a beauty pageant? Turns out it was a kidnapping.

She was Miss Taken

A foot model was on his way to a competition whilst walking through a forest...

...He passed by a lumberjack who accidentally let go of his axe and ended up dismembering one of the model's precious digits.

Thinking quickly the lumberjack bandaged up the model's foot with some nearby foliage and helped the model limp to his event.

When they got there the on site do...

Charlie Brown at the Model UN Club

Charlie Brown is down at the model UN club at his school where the students are each receiving their respective countries. One exclaims “I got America!” Another says “I got England.” Charlie Brown looks down at his country, and sighs, “I got Iraq.”

My wife told me I was a "model husband"

I said "thank you sweetheart"
Then she showed me her definition of model.
"A small imitation of the real thing"

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.

The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

Why was the fetishist chasing the shoe model?

Because he was hot on her heels.

What do you call it when a model can't put leggings on correctly?

Apparently, fat-shaming

What do you call models in wheelchairs?

Hotwheels.

Elon Musk's Twitter is like a Tesla Model S

It goes from 0 to 100 in 1.9 seconds.

If being a 23 year old Norwegian swimwear model has taught me anything

It’s that catfishing is surprisingly easy online

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This guy walks into a Mercedes agency and asks for the top executive model.

Money is not an issue, but the car has to have everything installed. And he means EVERYTHING he is not joking. The company goes and install usb sockets for each passenger, a blue tooth operated coffee machine (with proper grinder, not that bullshit with capsules), a GPS tracking got each wheel and t...

I finally found a good model of Dumbledore's memory viewer,

but it was too ex-pensieve...

Ghandi is my role model

Everyone knows about Gandhi. Pacifist, role model of MLK, and arguably the most important man in the movement of Indian independence. Of course, aside from his upstanding character, he did have a multitude of physical flaws. As an Indian peasant, he rarely wore shoes because he was too poor to affor...

I used to be a hand model...

But I wasn't able to get enough hand jobs.

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A translated Norwegian joke

Two guys meets in the middle of nowhere, trying to find their wives.
They decide to help each other out, by describing their wives.

The first man goes on: "My wife is tall, well fit, blonde, got big firm breasts, thight bouncy ass, a massive lust for sex and a face of a model. How about y...

I bought a life size 3d model of plankton from spongebob.

4days later I got an empty box full of bubble wrap. I still don't know where plankton is.

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What do Tits & Model Trains have in common?

Tits & Model Trains were both intended for children,
but are played with by grown men.

TIFU by spraying water on a topless model

Now all the seats are wet

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Was shopping for a toilet. Sales guy showed me the newest model they had in store.

It uploads all my shit to Facebook.

Had to quit my job as an underwear model

because the photographer kept telling me, "I'm just a cashier" and that I "need to leave Macy's."

Hi everyone, I'd like to announce that I'm dating my very first professional model...

she's a 'before' model, can't wait to see how she'll turn out!

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