I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No."

“It’s to look at.”

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To all the hot women out there: I may be 50 years old,but I have the body of a 25 year old model with a 12 inch dick

In my freezer.

Seems my girlfriend's moonlighting as a parts model

I overheard her on the phone to her friend, boasting about how much she was earning doing hand and foot jobs.

There was a fire at my local model village today

Eye witness reports claim that flames could be seen from up to 3 feet away

I asked my friend with dwarfism who his role model is

He told me he couldn't pick just one because he looks up to so many people

Best Husband Ever!

The Perfect Husband:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

...

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The wife asked me if I thought she could be a model..

"There's no fucking chance you fat bastard." I laughed.

"Fuck off." She sobbed. "I'll have you know I've got a try-out for a modelling job this afternoon." She then grabbed her coat and stormed out.

A few hours later, she came home. "Well fuck you." She said proudly. "You're now lookin...

The other day, someone left some modeling clay at my house

I didn't know what to make of it.

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Did you hear about the model that fucked a clown?

It was pretty fucking funny.

There's a technique in theoretical physics that models complex systems as spherical cows.

The Your Mom approach.

I just recently finished building a model of Mt. Everest and a friend asked, "Is it to scale?"

"No," I said.
"It's to look at."

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A man walks into a sex shop to purchase a small see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife th...

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My wife of 25 years laughed when I said I still had the body of a sexy model.

Until she checked the deep freeze in the garage.

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would n...

Tha Apple car will be the first car that will slow down when they release a new model.

They said this is a joke.. I'm not sure..

An Artist asks his model if she’s okay with nudity

Model-“Yes I am”
Artist- “Thank God! These pants were killing me!”

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Model trains are like breasts

They are there for the children but it’s the father that winds up playing with them the most.

Apparently the government has several models to forecast how the pandemic will play out

They should use scientists instead - they're not as pretty but they know a lot more.

How do Instagram models get paid?

Per DM

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A tractor joke

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

What do you call someone who specializes in selling insurance to hand models?

A digital security specialist.

I met a Chaturbate model a few days ago

Her parents are both poor but she comes from money.

New SUV

Well Gm has planned to relaunch the Hummer line as eco friendly electric trucks. To save even more electricity the horn had been removed from the deluxe model and a bell installed attached to a cable. It will be called the Humdinger edition.

Bakeries often ask me to pose for promotional photos with their products.

Apparently I'm an excellent roll model

A man who collects model trains was driving his wife insane with all the money he was spending on his hobby

One day, he went too far and spent nearly $1000 on a model train. His wife was so furious she took the train and broke it over his head.
So he took her to court for domestic caboose.

Most would say atheism isn't the best business model

Some would even say it's non-prophet!

My doctor told me I have modeled skin.

I said model, really? I always thought it looked like concrete that sat in acid rain for 20 years. He said no, m-o-t-t-l-e-d, and it’s a severe case. I said severe huh? I guess that makes me a super mottle.

Back in the 1980s the soviets had their own version of the American toy Stretch Armstrong. They modeled it after their hero, Karl.

The toy was called Stretch Marx.

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This guy is sitting in a bar when this beautiful super model walks in.

So after a few minutes, the guy walks over to her. He leans in and whispers in her ear " Hey can I smell your pussy?" The girl is irate, and she screams at him "What is wrong with you?! That's disgusting! How could you say that?!! NO! You cannot smell my pussy!!!" and the guy says " oh, well I g...

Her (On Tinder): I'm a model on Instagram! What do you do?

Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.

Babies

The best part about babies is you can just preorder the newest model.

I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.

It’s a pretty good µ-boat.

(OFFENSIVE) Why do models don't brush their teeth?

Because you have to brush your teeth after every meal.

I was going to be a body parts model.

But then they started asking all these questions like “Who’s arm is that?!” and “Where did you get that leg?!”

My sister said she wanted to be a model

I told her that it would take 20 minutes in photoshop minimum

Was recently hired as beauty product model...

I was the "before" model.

I opened up a new food canning facility with a unique business model.

Pay what you can

I've started my own buisness building model yachts in my attic during lockdown.

Sales are going through the roof.



(I'll take my things and leave now..)

Unemployed hand model here...

Seeking hand jobs.

My girlfriend, an Instagram model, asked me to go to the store. She said to get groceries and nothing else.

Just food for thot.

Whenever I see Instagram models working out, I am inspired to do my own workout.

Unfortunately, it's only for my left arm.

There are rumors that Tesla is considering on a stretched, three row version of their Model X SUV. The project is on Musk's desk waiting for a decision on whether to go forward.

Their next car is Elon gated.

Medium

A model (I guess we'll call... Anna?), quite successful in her career, one day tragically loses a close relative, her father. The sense of emptiness left is so great eventually she decides to seek the help of a seer, someone who can speak to the dead.

She quickly finds one in her area, she de...

Did you hear about the super model with IBS that committed a fashion faux pas?

Got runs in her stockings.

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A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

Canadian #1: What can I get for ya there bud?

Canadian #2: Oh I’d like this fancy car please.

Canadian #1: Well how about that, would you like the stock model or can I interest you in some upgrades?

Canadian #2: I’d like all the bells & whistles and upgrades ya got please.

Canadian#1: Well you must be quite wealthy th...

A Polish man moves to Korea and tries to find work

He looks for work everywhere but can’t find any, until after thorough searching he lands an interview at a car dealership. The man is interviewed by the boss, who not only has a poor grasp on English, but he also seems to have a very hard time getting his name right. The man tries to explain his nam...

Ball volume

A mathematician, scientist, & engineer were tasked with finding the volume of a ball



The mathematician derived it using a formula given the circumference



The scientist measured the displaced volume when submerged in water

The engineer found the model # ...

I heard an Italian supercar manufacturer is going to be making its next model be covered in chocolate and hazelnuts

They're calling it the Ferrari Rocher

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Take most Ford and most Dodge models...now put the word Anal in front of the model name

Anal charger, Anal challenger, Anal expedition, Anal Fiesta...

I told my friends I am an Instagram Model

‘Unemployed’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it

What is the equivalent of being a model at Instagram?

Being a millionaire in Monopoly.

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.

The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

I've been staring at topless models all day, just dreaming

But sadly, I can't afford the diecast convertible cars at the moment

They say that going to school is important

but becoming a instagram model is importanter!

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

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I was offered sex with a 24 year old Instagram model last night. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon scent or vanilla.

I dont get why Christians are so bad at managing money. Aren't they supposed to model Him?

And He is known as the God who saves!

Im so sorry.

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At the asylum

A Dr. Is doing the rounds in an insane asylum one night.

He walks into the first patient's room and sees him playing with modeling clay.
The Dr. asks him how he's doing.
The patient replies "Doc I'm molding with clay. It's therapy. I feel much better!"
The Dr. says "Good. You should...

Did you hear about the man who's making model boats in his attic?

Sails are going through the roof.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boobs are like model trains

they’re made for the kids, but usually it’s the dads who end up playing with them the most

What's the difference between a gymnastic team and a playboy model?

The gymnasts do a bunch of cunning stunts.

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A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"That's easy, I want to be an asshole!" yells Little Johnny.

The Teacher is shocked with Little Johnny's response and wants to send him to detention, but out of curiosity she let's him continue hoping for an explanation.

Little Johnny continues: -Well, when I'm out on the street with ...

I have the body of a 24 year old model

But it takes up too much room in my fridge.

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

Why are foot models legends?

They have achieved incredible feats

I tried model glue the other day

She still got away

A famous car designer...

A famous car designer was about to retire at the age of 64 due to health concerns. For all his life, he had strived for perfection in his craft of designing cars, specifically for Kia. In each of his 32 models, he was instrumental in some innovation or vastly improved function.

He called for ...

An old snail walks into a car dealership

An old snail walks into a car dealership and tells the salesman he's looking for the flashiest, most expensive sports car he's got. The old snail explains he's been working hard and saving his whole life and this car is to be his reward.

The salesman is thrilled and shows the old snail a brig...

Mr. Zuckerberg how do you sustain a business model in which users don’t pay for your services?

Zuckerberg: “1010011010”.......Ahem

Zuckerberg: “Senator, we run ads”

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....


NAME - Greg Bulmash


DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be a...

For all you men dreaming of elaborate ways of hooking up with an Instagram model, all it took me was a good dinner date....

Just some food for thot.

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

I hate being the only 3D modelling guy at my workplace

Every day my coworkers will ask if I can do them a solid

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A man realized he needed to pu...

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stic...

Porsche wanted to name their new car the Model E

But the name was already Taycan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sailor and a female model survive a shipwreck.

A ship sinks, and a sailor and a female model manage to swim to an unpopulated island. There are enough resources for them to survive, so they start to live there, eventually becoming a couple. After two years, the sailor suddenly looks at the model with a desperate expression, and says" "I cannot t...

Why do vampires like single proprietorship model of ownership?

Coz, they are afraid of stake-holders!

Did you hear that Apple is coming out with YET ANOTHER new iPhone model?

Critics are calling it the iPhone Xs.

(Edit: I hate to put this here but: pronounced like “Excess”)

How many Instagram models does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, they hold the light bulb up and the world revolves around them.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

My side hustle (building model boats in my attic) is going so well that...

I might have to move to new premises.

Sales are through the roof.

What plane model can carry the most thots?

Hoeing 737

Where do the world's skinniest models come from?

Hungary.

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A little old lady

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo ...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

People keep telling me it’s weird to look up to the Pillsbury Doughboy...

But I think he’s a great roll model.

I’ve been thinking...

I have seen a lot of hate spewed in recent days about a man who is a constant winner and overachiever, and that's what the people who support him like about him. Yes, he's been caught in some lies and maybe twisted the truth a little but he's still out there proving his haters wrong time after time....

An italian mafia man got in to a Mercedes-Benz model taxi

As he was sitting in the back, he asked the driver: "why is that hood ornament sticking out like that in mercs?"
The driver answered jokingly: so it would be easier to aim when driving over pedestrians. See that old lady crossing the road over there?" driver started to acclerate towards her and ...

Young mountain climber

My son made a model of mount Everest for his school project.
"Is it to scale?" I asked him.
"Don't be stupid Dad, it's just to look at!"

What’s a German underwear model’s favourite animal

Ze-bra

[NSFW] Russian cam models are currently being investigated.

They're accused of meddling in U.S. erections.

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.

"I stopped you because you were goin...

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Did you hear about the artist that painted nude models for free?

He did it for the exposure.

My girlfriend has the body of a model..

And a life prison sentence.

What’s the model name of Tesla’s new SUV?

Journalist: “What’s the model name of the upcoming SUV?”

Elon Musk: ’Y’.

Journalist: “Because I’m asking.”

Musk: “And I’m telling you.”

Journalist: “So if you’re telling me, what did you say it’s called?”

Musk: ‘Y’

Journalist: “Why?”

Musk: “Exactly.”<...

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model...

They hired me as the "before" picture.

my friend has a model fish collection

they are all to scale

Yesterday, I applied to model for Calvin's

I hope they don't deKlein...

I don't like foot models

I don't trust people who sell their soles.

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

How arrogant do you need to be to apply to be a model?

Pretty

I went to Home Depot and a guy walked up and asked,

"Can I help you with anything?" I said, "I'm looking to buy a table saw." He said "Do you have a particular model in mind?" and I said, "Well yeah, Kathy Ireland, but for now let's talk about a table saw."

My Mom's favorite joke

There was a woman named Betty Lou, whose life had recently fallen into a downward spiral of horrible luck. She had been laid off after working for the same company for several years. She began binge eating to cope, and as a result become terribly overweight. This made it more difficult for her to ac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Olie & Lena are driving down the road in their Model T...

Suddenly, a mother skunk enters the roadway with her two young babies. Olie can’t stop in time and runs the mother over.

It winter time and Lena jumps out of the car to rescue the two orphans. She gets them back in and they’re shivering:

“Oh, Olie! They’re so cold! What should I do ...

An old man goes to confession.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm 80 years old and have been happily married to the love of my life for 60 years, but last night i cheated on her. With twins. 21 year old bikini model twins."

The priest asks how long it's been since his last confession.

"I've never been to con...

A man walking in the Beach sees a lamp and out of curiosity, starts wiping it.

After wiping it and cleaning it. A gene comes comes. He looks at the sky and greets the person who was cleaning the lamp.

Hello there. I may grant you one wish.
The man says, what happens to three.
The gene says, one is all you get.

The man thinks hard Says.
My family...

Why are so many hotwheels based after Ford models?

So kids get used to pushing them at a young age.

Did you hear about the model who thought she was going to a beauty pageant? Turns out it was a kidnapping.

She was Miss Taken

The problem with dating a model...

... is that she's only 5 inches tall and I have to paint her myself.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3...

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