Extend Jokes - 89 Hilarious Extend Jokes

Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.

The pharmacist took an extended lunch break without telling his assistant.

When he was gone, a man with severe cough came in for a consultation and was informed that the pharmacist was out to lunch, and the assistant wasn't sure when he was coming back.

The man begged the assistant for help since he was so miserable, and the assistant had to think quick.

An...

extendable ladders are just regular ladders

with extra steps

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

I think stimulus checks should also extend to all waterfowl.

Because ducks have bills too, you know.

Sports extends your age

Indeed Sports extends your age.
Went jogging today morning and felt like 90 years old

Studying math helps extend your life expectancy

80 minutes in math class feel like 3 hours long

What is the difference between a furry and a person selling extended auto warranties?

Furries never bothered anyone.

A scientist was studying life extending properties through diet...

And realized he had the perfect formula for eternal life. He developed a special food formula which he fed to seagulls. Then he would feed their eggs to a pair of dolphins.

After 10 years on a diet of fortified seagull eggs, the dolphins hadn't aged a day. But there was one problem. Th...

A tourist returning from an extended trip was about to cross the last river on the way to the railroad station for home

"Say, cap'n," he said, as he stepped timidly into the rickety old craft, "this boat seems very shaky; was anybody ever lost in her?"

"Not to my knowledge," replied the boatman. "There was three men drowned from her last Thursday, but we found them all the next day."

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An RAF KC-2 Extender refuelling aircraft and two Eurofighter Typhoons were returning to their base in Cypress...

After flying a 4 hour patrol of the Ukrainian border.

The Typhoon leader called the Tanker pilot and asked “Don’t you guys get bored just punching circles in the sky for hours? Watch this...”

And he proceeded to do a barrel roll around the tanker.

“Impressive!” Said the KC-2 Ca...

I dated an Indian girl in college and got to know her extended family

Now I have strong passwords for life

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

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A friend of mine told me about a secret method to extending the penis

He told me the trick is to masturbate daily for 30 minutes, 30 days straight using grease for lube.

After the 30 days my dick did not only not grow, it shrank 2 inches. I was livid so I went back and asked him what the problem was.

"You did it for 30 minutes?" he asked.

"Yes"...

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

Yo Momma is so ugly

The government extended mask mandates to give everyone's eyes a break

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Highland hospitality

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down.
There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door.
The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.
"My car has broken down," said the traveller, "Do you know where I can s...

I'm dating a girl whose arms measure identically to mine when extended.

I think we're on the same wavelength.

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A Russian Lieutenant...

A Russian Lieutenant stands on the edge of a high cliff with his troops. The lieutenant looks down and then points to a soldier.

\-You there! Come here to the cliff edge, extend your right hand to the side and jump down.

The lieutenant watches as the soldier obeys his comma...

In his quest to gain more power, the mad scientist extended his hours at the lab.

This is after he discovered that power is work overtime.

I've been waiting to have my legs extended to become taller

I guess it's a lengthy process.

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White House Update: Dick Cheney extends hunting invitation to Trump

Nope. Sorry. Just kidding.

What extends flexibly from the hips, is 71 cm long in men, and has the letters P, E, N, I, and S?

A spine

I was going to make a joke about redstone pulse extenders

But I am afraid it would be too long

I attended many weddings in the past within my extended family.

At the reception, the old folks always came to me telling: "You're next! You're next!"

This suddenly stopped after I started doing the same at funeral services.

"Bot Rule" has extended past reddit, and taken over the muggle and wizarding worlds

Giant posters all over the country let everyone know that the population is now under *Bot Rule*.

Any opposition to *Bot Rule* is met with swift punishment

Sickened, Harry Potter waves his wand at the nearest poster, rearranging the letters of the twisted sign.

"This spell's tro...

Just bought the extended version of The Hobbit.

Bilbo is 7' 6" now.

The Christmas Angel

Christmas was fast approaching, and Santa was in a world of hurt. Toy production was behind schedule, and the Elf union was threatening a strike. Mrs. Santa had washed his Santa suit with the lists of which children had been naughty and which had been nice in the pocket. Two of the reindeer were ...

I hope that Cyber Monday extends to the deep web...

Because I'm going to need to a discount on a new liver after all of that Thanksgiving drinking!

This terminally Ill divorcee goes to the doctor …

What should I do she asks to perhaps extend my life a bit?

He says marry an insurance agent…

She says will it help me live longer?

It will feel longer … replies the doc

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;

it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be frien...

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It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

A man was sentenced to 20 years in prison for some crimes that he'd committed.

The 20 years were just about to come to an end when the man falls sick. On his last day he unfortunately ends up in a coma due to the mental distress from living in prison for so long.

As he is being admitted to the hospital, the warden runs towards him and extends his sentence to another 20 ...

RIP Don Denkinger (for Royals and Cardinals fans)

Please put your hand over your heart for a moment of silence, and then extend both arms out to your sides, palms down.

What happens if you spin an oriental person around really fast for an extended period of time?

They become disoriented.

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What kind of pokemon is a vagina that's just had an extended session of hard sex?

Vulvasore :D

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness.

He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second and so on.

The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since ...

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

How to increase your strength

An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try t...

I swear, if I got a nickel for every spam call I got

I would finally be able to pay for my car's extended warranty

Pakistan's capital city Islamabad has extended the ongoing lockdown for another eight days as the number of Covid-19 patients rose to 82, Dawn News reported today.

Things have gone from Islamabad to Islamaworse...

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A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks...

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A Man and Wife Go To The Doctor

Man says that his penis has grown exponentially for some reason and that he is concerned it will soon be a trip hazard. The doctor asks if he is comfortable with surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" The wife asks.

"Crutches?" Asks the doctor.

The wife answers, "Well I ass...

Agreement

My wife and I have an agreement that works...

She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.

This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family...

What should you do when your car breaks down on the side of the road?

Wait for 10 minutes...When the phone rings, you can extend your car's warranty.

A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy.

While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: “Do penguins grow this big?”

“I should think so,” the barman replies.

The man raises his hand. “How about this big?”

“Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I’m not sure . . .”

The man holds his han...

One day 3 and e^x were having a walk…

3 oversees the oncoming derivative across the road. He tells e^x that he will be leaving because if he ever meets the derivative it wouldn’t end well for him.

Surprised by the departure, e^x continues to walk confidently. When he and derivative are close enough, derivative extends his hand an...

In honor of my uncle, an English professor who just passed away, here’s one of his jokes about grammar pedants

A grammarian fell into a sewer. Someone came and said, “Need help?”

The grammarian was offended at his language. “You would have made sense if you had said, ‘Do you need any help?’” he rebuked.

A second man came and spoke as the first. Again, the pedant was offended and said, “You wou...

A husband died

A husband died.

A few years later, his wife died.

As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"

The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,

"Woah there woman. The co...

The day after the JFK assassination

So the day after the Kennedy assassination, Lyndon Johnson had already been sworn in and settles down that evening in the oval office. Just then, a red phone rings on his desk. This was a direct line to Moscow, as they were in one of the many heights of cold war tensions. Johnson answers the phone, ...

Red alert

A Soldier Was Given A Three-Day Leave To Attend To His Newly Wedded Wife But On Getting Home, He Realized That His Wife Was In Her Menstrual Period.

So He Decided To Send A Telegram To His Headquarter To Extend His Leave But With His Mother-In-Law And Other Visitors Around, He Decided To Code...

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A group of nuns were on a cross-country road trip

When they encountered a man driving erratically on the freeway, speeding, cutting them off, break checking and just generally driving in a way that would make the Lord frown.

"This man needs Jesus. Show him your Cross"

That's when sweet old Sister Mary Margaret pulled up along side of...

Nobody expects the...

Hello, we've been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty.

The Florida / Florida State rivalry...

briefly extended to sports drinks. The University of Florida created Gatorade, Florida State came back with Seminole Fluid.

The devil is surprised one day to find a habitual liar, a pervert, an idiot and a man in a wheelchair entering hell.

Still, he keeps his professional demeanor and extends a warm welcome saying, "Greetings, Representative Cawthorn. You're just in time, the daily GOP cocaine orgy is just beginning."

How to get ripped in 4 easy steps:

1. Stand on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
2. Hold a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this po...

Hello darkness my old friend...

I've come to talk to you about your car's extended warranty.

A man is having a house built in Kansas

A man is having a house built in Kansas. He drives to the site to see how its going. The crew is hanging up rafters with suspicious looking braces.

The man finds the General Contractor and asks him about the braces.

"Oh, them. Them, there's called Hurricane Ties." says the GC

"...

My Stepfather Used to Tell This Joke to Everyone

*What did the farmer say to the cows at night? "It's past your bedtime."*

He told this joke to anyone he talked to, from family to people at the doctor's office. I felt the joke was old the second time I heard it. So, I started working on a response.

Christmas djnner rolls around. We ...

What did the shirt say to the pants?

What up britches!

(At a photography studio today, taking an extended family picture with like 15 people there. This is what the photographer said to get us to smile. I couldn't stop laughing, and was beet red. We had to wait for me to calm down. I'm a middle age married ma...

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Colonoscopy Prep

My girlfriend is going in to get a colonoscopy tomorrow. She wants me to pick up some large Googly-eyes to make her ass look like a face, then she wants to tuck in a post-it note saying “Psssst: we’ve been wanting to talk to you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Never a dull moment here.

I’ve been accused of objectifying women

public class Woman extends Person {

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A new store opened up in our town called Store E

It started off as a small store, but as they got more money, they added more items and extended their store several times. It go to the point I had to walk for 10 minutes to get to my favorite jerky. So one day I rented a bulldozer and to make a long Store E short, I bulldozed half the store

Did everyone catch The Season Finale of the Apprentice President?

I think it received huge ratings, it was an extended episode that went into the night.

Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?” The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. “Um ... 22.” The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And ...

Proud University Graduates

Two young men who had just graduated from university climbed into a taxi wearing

their graduation gowns.

Cab Driver : “Are you graduates from the city university?”

Young Graduates: “Yes, sir,” they announced proudly. “Class of 2021.”

Cab Driver : ...

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Feeling

On a flight to Japan, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she y...

A man and his mother

A man and his mother were going away for a week to see extended family. The mother was driving, and the man sat in the passenger seat.

The mother was driving much slower than everyone else. People were screaming and horns were blaring.

A police officer pulled her over and asked why th...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

How to tell time in a forest

Here's how to tell time in a forest.

Try and face north, or make your best approximation as to which way is north. Stand straight and tall. Extend both arms so that they are parallel with the ground. Lower your left arm back down to your side. Bend your right arm so that your hand is against...

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An unexpected outcome of quarantine for men is when you realize that

your balls have never experienced such extended periods of freedom.

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Scientists have come up with a foolproof methodology of predicting when someone lies

There are 2 different approaches for each sexes.

For Males
OBSERVATIONS
1) the eyes deviate slightly to the left indicating the Male is accessing the creative part of the brain
2) heartrate elevates in an attempt to support the strain of the creative effort
3) pupils constrict s...

Why was Six afraid of Seven? 7️⃣

Because Seven had two priors and extended probation and got his nickname in prison for how many minutes it took. "Took what?" You ask? You don't wanna know.

A french guy, an italian guy and an amarican on a plane.....

Among others, there are three guys on a plane. One is french, the other is italian and the third one is american.

The american says: "I bet I can guess where we are without looking outside, just by extend my arm out of the window". The other two go "Well, lets see". So he puts his arm outside...

I was supposed to finish living with my new foster parents in June, but its been moved to September.

I'm so happy with my extended family!

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Strangers were sitting next to each other on airplane, getting ready to take off. While getting situated the woman sneezes, but as she does she also begins to

shudder immediately following the sneeze. The man sitting next to her extends a kind "bless you." She says thanks and they continue waiting until she sneezes again, and again she shudders and moans a little, saying "I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you." This throws the man for a loop, saying "sneezin...

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I heard they were making a new Power Rangers show, so I checked it out.

Since the producers wanted to show to be more fluid to all people, they decided to bring in new rangers. They had all the usual colored rangers, but then they started to add a few more as the show went on.

There were three new rangers that had different disabilities. One was colored ora...

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A man is seated in 1st class with an open seat next to him.

Anxiously awaiting departure he can't believe his luck when a stunningly beautiful blonde approaches. As she sits down next to him he silently vows to abstain from hitting on her. It's doubtless she's had that happen to her frequently. She settles in and they're off and heading for San Francisco i...

A man calls 911

A man calls 911, frantically telling the operator that there has been a hunting accident.

"My friend tripped and dropped his shotgun. It went off, and he accidentally shot himself. He is bleeding, and I don't know what to do. I think he might be dead."

"Okay", the operator says. "Ple...

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At a university for wizards, an undergrad was having a big week. He had just learned his first spell. Freeze, Level 1.

Turns out he was a natural. By the second day, he could freeze his classmates for ten seconds. When Friday came, the professor declared he was ready for the final project: to freeze people in public.

Over the weekend, he went looking for a place to cast. He needed somewhere with a lot of peop...

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

[OC]A man walks into a hardware store

Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.

Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. ...

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A scientist, mathematician, and logician are in a car.

A scientist, mathematician, and logician are in the car. They crash and die. The three men appear in heaven on front of St. Peter and Satan. "Gentlemen," Satan began, "Now that Heaven is overcrowded, St. Peter has allowed to limit the amount of people entering. You may ask me a question; if I answer...

The Pope, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

The pope crosses himself, blesses the ball, and swings. He drives the ball 600 miles. He bows his head and gives thanks for the amazing drive.

Jesus steps up to take his shot, I holds his hand in the air, creating a tailwind, and takes a swing. He drives the ball 900 miles.

T...

In 2020 Ford is re-releasing the Bronco

There will be a special edition OJ trim level:

Standard White paint with dark tinted windows, governed to 30 mph, extended range gas tank, and has an undersized glove box.

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An attractive woman was reading The History of Penises on the bus the other day...

... I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"

She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest penises in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"

She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"

A man sitting in the hospital

with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and ...

A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.

He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?"

"For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies.

"That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.

He extends...

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A drunk man enters his house after a late night at the bar...

Not wanting to wake up his wife and receive a scolding from her, he decides to take off his shoes. While taking off his shoes, the Coo-coo Clocks goes off.

Coo-coo, Coo-coo, Coo-coo.

Thinking the noise will surely wake his wife, he thinks quickly and decides to extend the Coo-coo sound...

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