A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

A Man Lay Sprawled . . .

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theater. When an usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir" he said, "if you don't get up from there I'm go...

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

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There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

An usher saw a man sprawled across 3 seats in the theater

"Excuse me, sir, you can't sit across three seats"

The man only faintly mumbled and shifted a bit.

"Excuse me, SIR, you can't sit like this!"

Another faint mumble.

Grabbing his arm, the usher inquired "Sir, where did you come from thinking you can act this way?!"

"...

A Scottish man, English man and an American are in a hot air balloon.

A Scottish man, English man and an American are in a hot air balloon. It's sinking fast. They need to throw something out that they have a lot of or they will crash into the houses below. The Scottish man throws out a haggis. English man throws out a cup of tea. The American throws out a bomb. They ...

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The golfer and the wee little man

A guy stands on the first tee on a beautiful Irish morning. It's a little par three but he still manages to slice it into the bush. Then he hears it hit something followed by a moan. Rushing into the woods he finds a wee little man dressed in green sprawled on the grass. He splashes water on the ...

My Uncle’s Joke: There was an old man who, years ago, worked for an international hauling company

He had worked there for many, many years and decided that the time had come for him to retire. He asked to be put on one last job for old times sake and the company obliged. They sent him on the longest route in the companies history, going from the UK to South Africa. After weeks and weeks on the r...

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

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A truck driver gets really screwed over by his lawyer during his divorce.

He becomes so sour about it that every time he sees a lawyer on the street while driving his truck, he screams "LAWYER!" and swerves onto the sidewalk to run him over.

One day he's driving and he sees a nun with her thumb out asking for a ride, so he pulls over and lets her in.

They're...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Sorry, buddy. No dogs allowed."
The guy answers, "But this dog is special. He talks."

"Oh really?"

The guy turns to the dog and says, "Butch, what's on top of a house?"
Butch answers, "Roof."

The bartender fold his arms and says,"I'm not in the moo...

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A man and his wife visit Las Vegas for their 15th anniversary. Being the spontaneous couple they always have been the husband decides that their first night he will do all the planning.

They go out a fancy steak dinner and he pays extra to have the band sing their wedding song tableside and serenade his wife. She melts.

He then takes her to a magic show and pays extra to have her involved in the main act as the woman who disappears within the act. She is beaming with joy....

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Pedro and Juan are stranded in the desert... (My favourite joke, [LONG])

After a day of walking, staggering, then crawling, they are thirsty, starving, and near death. They are about to give up when Juan exclaims,

“Pedro, look! At thee bottom of the dune... it’s an Oasis!”

Pedro struggles to bring his head up to look. “Juan... I think so my friend. I think...

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Superhero Nude Beach

Before I write the joke, I wanted to give credit to who it came from. I worked as a reporter very briefly, and we had an older fella that would always tell us one joke a day. He was a great guy and I just wanted to pass on one of his jokes that always stood out to me, so here it is.

If you we...

The year 2192

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. He leaves a ceremonial letter. For reasons lost in time, this letter is always unsigned. Ceremonial garb includes a suit that looks like it was made for a someone of an entirely different si...

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An elderly couple are rocking on their front porch. NSFW

All of a sudden the old lady reaches over and smacks the old man right out of his rocking chair.
The old man slowly gets up gets back in his rocking chair, after rocking a few minutes more he turns the old woman and asks "What was that for?"
"For having such a small pecker all these years!" sh...

A zoo owner is busy at his desk when 3 of his assistants walk in, a blonde, brunette, and redhead.

The brunette steps forward and says, “Sir, we’ve finished our work on those new exhibits you wanted”. The man gets up from his desk and follows the three out of the room down to the exhibit hall.

First the brunette stops and turns and points at here exhibit. “Ah, you finished the gorilla cag...

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Two nuns are driving down a road...

Two nuns are driving down a road, when a drunken man jumps out and sprawls himself over the front of their car. One nun says to the other,

"Go out and show him your cross."

So she gets out, "Get off our fucking car!"

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One day a husband comes home early from work...

And see’s his wife’s clothes sprawled all over the living room, surprised and confused, he rushes for his bedroom and see’s her butt naked on their bed with a suspicious look on her face. Alright, where is he? He asks. Furious, he starts throwing a fit and searches every nook and crack to no avail....

Game Show

Some folks see me as a know-it-all. I'm not, but I have a reasonable memory, and it got me on a game show, once.

The television game show was being recorded - they do a whole week at a time, and this was the wrap-up. I was in the hot seat for the last big question.

The host turned to m...

How long can you hold your breath for?

"Longer than you can last in bed!" my beautiful, blonde girlfriend proudly declared.

"You're on!" I replied.

That night we both plopped onto the bed and began screwing. My girlfriend closed her mouth and pinched her nose as she rode on top of me. Meanwhile, I tried thinking of the mo...

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A husband comes home late at night....

and he's piss drunk. His wife had been telling him to come home early, so to avoid her wrath, he passes out on the living room couch.

The next morning, he wakes up to the smell of bacon cooking. As he groggily makes his way toward the kitchen, he's greeted by his wife's smile.

"Good mo...

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From: "Mike of Yahoo News" A Daesh (ISIS) fighter died in battle and quickly arrived at the Pearly Gates

A Daesh (ISIS) fighter died in battle and quickly arrived at the Pearly Gates where he was met by St. Peter. He immediately demanded his 72 Virgins, which was promised to all fighters who die fighting infidels. Suddenly out of a cloud strode George Washington who walked up to him and gave him a huge...

So there's this big game hunter...

He was getting up there in age, so he decided he was going to go on one last trophy hunt for something he didn't have, a polar bear.

This hunter traveled up north and is talking to an inuit tribe. He says he wants to go after the largest part bear they've seen.

One man says, "Six feet ...

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A pretty young woman’s car breaks down

During a storm by an old farm house. She knocks on the door and a woman answers. The young woman asks if she can spend the night. The woman tells her that she can on one condition- she has a 30 year old son who is a little slow mentally and had never been with a woman. If the stranded traveler ...

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One day Superman is flying over the Justice League building...

and he looks down to see Wonder Woman sprawled out on her back, naked, tanning.

"Wow she is so hot, if only I can have a chance at that!" He exclaimed to himself. Suddenly a thought occurred to him...

"Wait, I am Superman! I can fly down there and have sex with her and fly off so fast ...

An Australian on safari...

An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful naked women sprawled out across a bed of leaves.
"My god," he says. "Are you game?"
She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am."
So he shoots her.

A woman comes into the ER...

A true story!

A woman came into the ER with a fish bone caught in her throat.

An orderly put her into a wheelchair, and wheeled her off toward an examination room. They came to the top of a ramp, the orderly stumbled, and accidentally let go.

The lady accelerates down the ramp,...

The moral of the story...

A newlywed man arrives home one day. As he ascends the stairs and enters the bedroom he sees his wife's sister sprawled on the bed completely naked.

"I've always had a thing for you since you started dating my sister", she says. "You can have me right now anyway you want me. I won't tell a so...

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Not meant for shrimp lovers...(NSFW)

Little Johnny is staying at his grandmother’s house for the weekend with his parents. He walks into their room in the middle of the night and wakes his mother. His mother says “What is it Johnny?”. Little Johnny says “Grandma has a shrimpy”! His mother looks at him puzzled. “She has a WHAT?” Johnny ...

Stranded on an Island

There once was a young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every las...

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Cereal Anyone?

Two young brothers are talking. The older brother says, "You know what younger brother? I'm tired of being treated like a kid, so I'm going to take up swearing. The first thing tomorrow I'm going to say 'hell'."

The younger brother always goes along with his older sibling and does not li...

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