A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

What’s the similarity between girls into nail art and Germans?

Both remove polish with chemicals.

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

Twenty thousand years into the future...

The astrobiology intern suddenly perks up at his station.
Intern: "Professor, we're receiving a periodic transmission from the direction of the Fr36 planetoids. I've converted the transmission into base 10 numerals and it keeps saying 14-5-22-5-18 7-15-14-14-1 7-9-22-5 25-15-21 21-16"
Professo...

Some take a year off to pursue art

Some take an ear off to pursue art.

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A museum curator walks into an art studio...

...and asks the artists to create some art for the American history wing of the museum.

One artist pipes up

“I’m a great history buff, how would you like a piece about Custer’s last stand?”

The curator is pleased with the idea and agrees to pick up the painting in a few days. ...

Dave walks into an art gallery.

Dave : I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?

Art dealer : I beg your pardon sir, that is a mirror.

I threw a fig newton at my buddy's straw cat he made for art class

It was a cat o' straw-fig failure

I was in an art competition last week.

It ended in a draw.

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I think of masturbation like I think of art.

You work, work and work and are eventually pleased with the outcome.

Hey can you tell me what a star shaped weapon in martial arts is called?

Sure I can

Did you hear about the cannibal who perfected the art of cloning?

He's so full of himself.

What did the liberal arts major say to the engineering grad?

Do you want fries with that?

A Pop-Art Joke.

I am a high school art teacher. I do a unit on pop art in which we look at some works by Claes Oldenburg. For those who don’t know his work, he is known for making huge versions of ordinary everyday objects. One of his works we look at is an 80-foot-high sculpture of a clothespin that’s in Philadelp...

What do you say to someone with a degree in art?

Hamburger and fries, please.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between an Art School Graduate and a loose anal sphincter?

One is a failing artist, the other is an ailing fartist.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client

and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she think...

There's a new category of art where people paint babies who died in childbirth.

Still life.

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

What's the difference between an art major and a philosophy major?

The philosophy major will ask *why* you want fries with your Big Mac.

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"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

A monk decides to take up the art of swordplay.

Taking some time off from the Buddhist monastery, he trains with his fencing teacher, learning all the positions, attacks and defenses, and generally becomes fairly proficient at the sport. His teacher encourages him to take up the competition circuit, as there is little left she can teach the monk....

Having a cat is like living with a piece of art...

Sometimes, you just have someone vomit on your carpet.

What martial art do monkeys do?

Flung Poo.

What martial art is done using only your feet?

**Tofu**

What banner phrase did the art sculptures create to christen their upcoming race?

“Finish line or BUST!”

I noticed at my bookstore that the "Kama Sutra" and "The Art of the Deal" are both in the erotica section

According to the bookstore, "The Art of the Deal" has people getting screwed in a lot more positions.

I Hate Engineer Students

I hate engineer students, they always walk around saying "I'm an engineer" this, or "I'm an engineer" that.

You don't hear a math student say "i'm a mathematician" or an art student say "i'm a barista".

How do you get an art major off your front porch?

PAY FOR THE PIZZA!

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Why does a Nazi not make a good art teacher?

They don't approve of mixing colors.

An art student showing off their fanart at a Comicon...

An art student showing off their fanart at a Comicon is discussing their work with a customer, and comments: "I know I overuse red and blue, but I can't help it, it's my favorite color pair!"
A passerby asks: "Oh, is it?", and is then brutally executed by the surrounding nerds.

Art thief.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could...

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

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A man really wanted to learn the art of future-telling...

He is told to visit Old Man Baboo on top of the hill to learn this skill.

He proceeds to climb the hill and gets to Old Man Baboo's house.

"So you want to learn how to tell the future, huh?"

"Yes, teach me please"

"Ok, first come in and follow me"

"Ok, Old Man Babb...

An engineer and art major were living together. One day, the house burned down, but only the engineer survived

The reason: The engineer was at work

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

What was Hitler’s favorite art medium?

Charcoal

What form of martial arts do hebrews practice?

Jew-jitsu

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.

The question arises: What separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."


"I disagree," announces the Italian. "...

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My wife insisted we go and see the alligators crafted out of manure at the "contemporary" art gallery last night. My advice... don't go!

Turned out to be a croc of shit.

What do you call a flatworm with a liberal arts degree?

An interdisci-planarian

Little Johnny's parents are concerned about his school art work.

Everything he brings home is black or brown. They take him to a psychologist to see if he is having some issues. The psychologist wants to see him at work; gives him some paper and a new box of crayons.

Johnny says "Cool. At school the only crayons we have left are black and brown."

The Art of the Deal

A poor city man is out in the streets attempting to sell something on President's Day. He goes up to a foreigner and says:

"Hey there! Are you looking for a rare portrait of Washington on his birthday? I can hook you up. It's even got the signature of the Secretary of the Treasury on it, so y...

What did Hitler say when he got rejected by the Academy of Fine Arts?

Mein Crafts!

One day, Moe was showing his friends a piece of art he made.

The portrait was of a prodigious music composer a long time ago.

Another one of Moe’s friends came up to them and asked, “Hey, what’re you guys looking at?”

“Moe’s-art.”

My daughter made a giant pair of shears from outdated computer parts in art class at school

She called it “Cutting hedge technology”

Europeans revere the art of cheesemaking.

But Swiss cheese is holy.

I was in an art gallery one time and I went up to this lady staring at a painting.

I told her: "This painting reminds me of my grandfather; he always had wonderful strokes."


She replied "Oh that's lovely; where is he now?"


"Well the last one finally killed him."

A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

Why does Donald Trump's book "Art of the Deal" weigh so much?

It has four chapter elevens.

If you're a teenage girl and you need to visit the mall to get supplies for art class, just say so.

Don't turn to your dad as you leave the house and say "I'm going to the mall to get felt."

What's a magician skilled in the art of hickeys called?

A Neck Romancer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An older couple were exploring art museum...

...when they came across a painting that they didn't quite understand. It appeared to be three naked black men sitting on a bench, the one in the middle had a white penis. This made the couple ponder for a while.

What was the message? Was it a commentary on racism? Perhaps an insight into cla...

My art is like communism.

Fantastic in theory, mediocre in practice, messy in result.

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Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

There once was a heated debate between two groups of art students

One group wanted two draw a necklace and one group wanted to draw a scarf. They decided that the only way to make a decision was by taking a vote so that's what they did.

In the end, they drew a tie.

R Kelly is really changing the rap game

He takes the art out of rap artist

I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.

What does Snoop Dogg look for at the art store?

For chisels.

What did the Arts student say to the Science student

Why did I waste 3 years of my life?

What would be the best martial art to teach to a toddler?

I was thinking about a little Tyke Won Do.

What's the difference between an art student and a park bench?

A bench can support a family.

What do you call 2 petri dishes enjoying themselves at an art museum?

Cultured

What did the art thief's say when they jumped in the getaway vehicle after a heist?

Van Gogh

An art student and a time traveller walk into a bar.

The art student takes a seat, looking pretty down.

The time traveller asks "Whats wrong?"

"I just got kicked out of art school" He repiles "Say, hows the art scene in the future?"

The time traveller shrugs and says "Eh. Its pretty terrible all things considered."

The art ...

A person with an art degree walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

I made fun of an art college student with drool hanging off his face...

He decided to draw my caricature and had passers by vandalise it with mucus to teach me a lesson.

It was the spitting image of me.

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Electronic Arts servers were hacked today.

They found a lot of midget shemale porn. There was a lot of micro trans action.

This is the award I got for 10 years at Electronic Arts - My biggest accomplishment

A sense of pride and accomplishment.

Modern art is like money.

I don't get it.

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An art student is visiting the National Gallery in Wales.

About halfway around, they spot a large painting of three black men sitting on a bench, all three buck naked. Even more strangely, the one in the middle has an entirely pink penis.

A curator sees the art student observing the painting and approaches.

“Fascinating, isn’t it?” He says. ...

I'm planning on opening an art boutique.

I'll sell paintings of jesus smoking weed.

It'll be a high prophet enterprise.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The cu...

I've been training as a sculptor for months but I'm not very good at it. Just the other day I made an Elk from limestone which I thought was good, but my art teacher Mr Watson couldn't work out what it was.

I said to him surely he could see it was sedimentary, my deer, Watson.

The cow boys watch....

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testi...

A burglar walks into an art show.

He says, "Give me all your Monet."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

I don't know why people say that no employer will be interested in your liberal arts degree.

I would love to hire someone who has clearly shown that they don't care at all about how much money they make.

Since passing my art exam, I've become very patronizing.

If you don't know what that means, I'll draw you a picture.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your pool?

Bob.

In a pile of leaves?

Russell.

In a hole?

Doug.

On a wall?

Art.

At your front door?

Matt.

Two armless legless men in front of your window?

Kurt and Rod.

Medusa really loved art.

She was fascinated by still life.

I was sitting at a bar last night and this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?

I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

Once upon a time in an old magical kingdom, there lived an young monk called Sam...

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral
singing. They trained, hours every day, refining
their voices and their art. Their song floated
down the mountainside, enriching the lives and
souls of the townspeople below

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th
birthday,...

What is a video game art designer's favorite soft drink?

Sprite.

How do you make an art student’s car go faster?

Just remove the huge Dominoes sign on top!

A person with a science degree asks "why does it work?" A person with an engineering degree asks: "how does it work?" A person with an accounting degree asks: "how much does it cost?" A person with an art degree asks:

"do you want fries with that?"

When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a sledgehammer it’s “art” and “music”

But when I do it I’m “drunk” and “ruining the wedding”

What martial art Aquaman learnt in Atlantis?

Crab Magá

Stop me if you heard the old joke about the art thief who got busted...

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

"Art is the elimination of the unnecessary" -Pablo Picasso

"Sure thing Pablo, but must people just call me the janitor" - Art

What do you call an amputee learning karate?

Partial arts

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art"

But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"

I met a girl today and told her that I'm a Master of Arts.

She said she had smelled it already.

Just finished the art of the deal by Donald trump. Great book. You can find the secret to his tremendous success in....

Chapter 11

An art thief broke into the Louvre.

Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.

He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
...

Bonzo The Martial Arts Dog

I once had a dog named "Bonzo" and he was really talented. One day, Bonzo and I went to find him a job, so we went to a martial arts studio. The owner looked at us and told us to get out. Bonzo looked unhappy, so I convinced the owner to allow us to give a demonstration. So the owner points at a...