A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

What do you say to someone with a degree in art?

Hamburger and fries, please.

There's a new category of art where people paint babies who died in childbirth.

Still life.

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

The Art Colletor

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news
and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife to...

What banner phrase did the art sculptures create to christen their upcoming race?

“Finish line or BUST!”

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

A monk decides to take up the art of swordplay.

Taking some time off from the Buddhist monastery, he trains with his fencing teacher, learning all the positions, attacks and defenses, and generally becomes fairly proficient at the sport. His teacher encourages him to take up the competition circuit, as there is little left she can teach the monk....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man really wanted to learn the art of future-telling...

He is told to visit Old Man Baboo on top of the hill to learn this skill.

He proceeds to climb the hill and gets to Old Man Baboo's house.

"So you want to learn how to tell the future, huh?"

"Yes, teach me please"

"Ok, first come in and follow me"

"Ok, Old Man Babb...

I noticed at my bookstore that the "Kama Sutra" and "The Art of the Deal" are both in the erotica section

According to the bookstore, "The Art of the Deal" has people getting screwed in a lot more positions.

What martial art is done using only your feet?

**Tofu**

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

Having a cat is like living with a piece of art...

Sometimes, you just have someone vomit on your carpet.

What's the difference between an art major and a philosophy major?

The philosophy major will ask *why* you want fries with your Big Mac.

An art student showing off their fanart at a Comicon...

An art student showing off their fanart at a Comicon is discussing their work with a customer, and comments: "I know I overuse red and blue, but I can't help it, it's my favorite color pair!"
A passerby asks: "Oh, is it?", and is then brutally executed by the surrounding nerds.

I Hate Engineer Students

I hate engineer students, they always walk around saying "I'm an engineer" this, or "I'm an engineer" that.

You don't hear a math student say "i'm a mathematician" or an art student say "i'm a barista".

Art thief.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could...

How do you get an art major off your front porch?

PAY FOR THE PIZZA!

An engineer and art major were living together. One day, the house burned down, but only the engineer survived

The reason: The engineer was at work

The Art of the Deal

A poor city man is out in the streets attempting to sell something on President's Day. He goes up to a foreigner and says:

"Hey there! Are you looking for a rare portrait of Washington on his birthday? I can hook you up. It's even got the signature of the Secretary of the Treasury on it, so y...

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

What form of martial arts do hebrews practice?

Jew-jitsu

What was Hitler’s favorite art medium?

Charcoal

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does a Nazi not make a good art teacher?

They don't approve of mixing colors.

What do you call a flatworm with a liberal arts degree?

An interdisci-planarian

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife insisted we go and see the alligators crafted out of manure at the "contemporary" art gallery last night. My advice... don't go!

Turned out to be a croc of shit.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.

The question arises: What separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."


"I disagree," announces the Italian. "...

Little Johnny's parents are concerned about his school art work.

Everything he brings home is black or brown. They take him to a psychologist to see if he is having some issues. The psychologist wants to see him at work; gives him some paper and a new box of crayons.

Johnny says "Cool. At school the only crayons we have left are black and brown."

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

One day, Moe was showing his friends a piece of art he made.

The portrait was of a prodigious music composer a long time ago.

Another one of Moe’s friends came up to them and asked, “Hey, what’re you guys looking at?”

“Moe’s-art.”

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

I was in an art gallery one time and I went up to this lady staring at a painting.

I told her: "This painting reminds me of my grandfather; he always had wonderful strokes."


She replied "Oh that's lovely; where is he now?"


"Well the last one finally killed him."

What did Hitler say when he got rejected by the Academy of Fine Arts?

Mein Crafts!

Europeans revere the art of cheesemaking.

But Swiss cheese is holy.

If you're a teenage girl and you need to visit the mall to get supplies for art class, just say so.

Don't turn to your dad as you leave the house and say "I'm going to the mall to get felt."

What's a magician skilled in the art of hickeys called?

A Neck Romancer

Why does Donald Trump's book "Art of the Deal" weigh so much?

It has four chapter elevens.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An older couple were exploring art museum...

...when they came across a painting that they didn't quite understand. It appeared to be three naked black men sitting on a bench, the one in the middle had a white penis. This made the couple ponder for a while.

What was the message? Was it a commentary on racism? Perhaps an insight into cla...

A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

My art is like communism.

Fantastic in theory, mediocre in practice, messy in result.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

What do you call 2 petri dishes enjoying themselves at an art museum?

Cultured

My daughter made a giant pair of shears from outdated computer parts in art class at school

She called it “Cutting hedge technology”

R Kelly is really changing the rap game

He takes the art out of rap artist

There once was a heated debate between two groups of art students

One group wanted two draw a necklace and one group wanted to draw a scarf. They decided that the only way to make a decision was by taking a vote so that's what they did.

In the end, they drew a tie.

What does Snoop Dogg look for at the art store?

For chisels.

What did the arts graduate say to the mechanic?

Would you like fries with that?

I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.

What would be the best martial art to teach to a toddler?

I was thinking about a little Tyke Won Do.

What did the Arts student say to the Science student

Why did I waste 3 years of my life?

What's the difference between an art student and a park bench?

A bench can support a family.

I'm planning on opening an art boutique.

I'll sell paintings of jesus smoking weed.

It'll be a high prophet enterprise.

What did the art thief's say when they jumped in the getaway vehicle after a heist?

Van Gogh

An art student and a time traveller walk into a bar.

The art student takes a seat, looking pretty down.

The time traveller asks "Whats wrong?"

"I just got kicked out of art school" He repiles "Say, hows the art scene in the future?"

The time traveller shrugs and says "Eh. Its pretty terrible all things considered."

The art ...

I made fun of an art college student with drool hanging off his face...

He decided to draw my caricature and had passers by vandalise it with mucus to teach me a lesson.

It was the spitting image of me.

This is the award I got for 10 years at Electronic Arts - My biggest accomplishment

A sense of pride and accomplishment.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

Modern art is like money.

I don't get it.

Why don't arts students stare out the window in the morning?

Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

A person with an art degree walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

I've been training as a sculptor for months but I'm not very good at it. Just the other day I made an Elk from limestone which I thought was good, but my art teacher Mr Watson couldn't work out what it was.

I said to him surely he could see it was sedimentary, my deer, Watson.

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Electronic Arts servers were hacked today.

They found a lot of midget shemale porn. There was a lot of micro trans action.

A burglar walks into an art show.

He says, "Give me all your Monet."

I don't know why people say that no employer will be interested in your liberal arts degree.

I would love to hire someone who has clearly shown that they don't care at all about how much money they make.

Since passing my art exam, I've become very patronizing.

If you don't know what that means, I'll draw you a picture.

Adolf, one out of ten how much does your art suck?

NEIN!!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The cu...

Medusa really loved art.

She was fascinated by still life.

The cow boys watch....

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testi...

"Art is the elimination of the unnecessary" -Pablo Picasso

"Sure thing Pablo, but must people just call me the janitor" - Art

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An art student is visiting the National Gallery in Wales.

About halfway around, they spot a large painting of three black men sitting on a bench, all three buck naked. Even more strangely, the one in the middle has an entirely pink penis.

A curator sees the art student observing the painting and approaches.

“Fascinating, isn’t it?” He says. ...

What is a video game art designer's favorite soft drink?

Sprite.

What martial art Aquaman learnt in Atlantis?

Crab Magá

My grandmother, a life-long abstract artist, has dementia.

For the longest the family couldn't be sure of her mental illness, but eventually we all saw the landscape.

How do you make an art student’s car go faster?

Just remove the huge Dominoes sign on top!

I met a girl today and told her that I'm a Master of Arts.

She said she had smelled it already.

Stop me if you heard the old joke about the art thief who got busted...

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a sledgehammer it’s “art” and “music”

But when I do it I’m “drunk” and “ruining the wedding”

A person with a science degree asks "why does it work?" A person with an engineering degree asks: "how does it work?" A person with an accounting degree asks: "how much does it cost?" A person with an art degree asks:

"do you want fries with that?"

What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?

Partial arts

What form of deadly martial arts are soybeans trained in?

Tofu

Did you hear about the guy who claims to be martial arts master Bruce’s son

AllegedLee

What did the Arts Major say to the Business Major?

"Can I take your order?"

Bonzo The Martial Arts Dog

I once had a dog named "Bonzo" and he was really talented. One day, Bonzo and I went to find him a job, so we went to a martial arts studio. The owner looked at us and told us to get out. Bonzo looked unhappy, so I convinced the owner to allow us to give a demonstration. So the owner points at a...

Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.

Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.

Just finished the art of the deal by Donald trump. Great book. You can find the secret to his tremendous success in....

Chapter 11

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the wankers favorite martial art?

Youjizztsu.

An art thief broke into the Louvre.

Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.

He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art"

But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"

A man walks into an art museum...

...saunters past a guard and rips a painting off the wall with his bare hands. The guards attempt to stop him as he runs out of the museum, but he is too quick and acrobatic and evades all of their efforts. Just out the museum doors, he hops into the back of a white van that begins speeding away wit...

A british man reviewed my art the other day

He said I was very autistic. How mean!

What is the difference between a arts graduate and a large pizza ?

Pizza can feed a family of four

I'm currently studying the art of persuasion.

I think you should too.

What did the law graduate say to the arts graduate?

"I'd like a big mac meal with a coke please"

I went to a museum of modern art the other day and saw a cone statue.

I really enjoyed it and would have liked to prolong my visit, but it was truncated.