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Did you hear about the man who installed a window in his butt?

It was a pane in the ass.

Do not install adblock on your computer or phone

Now all the hot single moms don’t want me anymore

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

I feel bad for plumbers who install those fancy water heaters that hang on the wall.

It’s a tankless job.

A husband and wife are driving down the highway after getting the car repaired. The husband says, “The ride sure is quiet since we installed the new muffler, isn’t it honey?”

“Mmmfff mmf MMMFFF!”

[OC]

I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great

But it's a job I can see myself doing

Why did the general contractor insist on hiring a drag queen to install the house’s front door?

Because a drag queen always knows how to make an entrance.

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Which franchise has the most anticipated final installment for their trilogy?

Christianity, the return of Christ, coming to cinemas near you whenever god feels like it

The government has installed the first publicly available enema station which they plan to eventually build across all major cities.

It has officially been declared public enema number one.

What do you call a software wizard that installs applications?

The Wizard of OS

I'm going to install a light bulb

Never done it before - hope I don't screw it up.

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

A man who has just finished installing a carpet into a house decides to have a smoke.

He reaches into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes, but it isn't there. He looks at the room he has just carpeted and sees a lump under the carpet.

"I'm not tearing up the carpet I just laid out for a dumb pack of cigarettes," thinks the man. So he goes to the lump in the carpet and squish...

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One of my friends installed strobe lights in his bedroom.

He says the sex is the same, but his wife looks like she’s moving.

I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested.

Turns out counter fitting is illegal!

Fraudster who installs kitchen worktops for a living is jailed.

Police say he was charged with counter fitting.

After years of never having enough hot water, and countless cold showers, we finally had an on-demand water heater installed, that provides unlimited hot water.

And although the plumber did an excellent installation and worked quickly, we did not express our appreciation.

It was a tankless job.

Did you know there's deep-seated corruption within the elevator installation business?

It goes all the way to the top. Maybe even the penthouse!

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The air in my apartment was so dry that we were getting shocked every time we touched a faucet or door knob. So, was I happy that my landlord finally installed a humidifier ?

I was ecstatic.

(So we're my kids, when I told them they weren't going to be grounded any more.)

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I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

A man has just finished installing new carpet in a customer's home

When the last staple has been set he reaches into his pocket to get his pack of cigarettes but doesn't find the pack.

He looks around and sees a small lump in the middle of the room under the carpet. He doesn't want to rip up all the carpet again just for his pack of smokes so he smashes it ...

Plumber Miscommunication

One day, a family started hearing loud talking coming from underneath the ground in their backyard. They figured maybe the plumber who did some work yesterday left a radio down there.

They sat and listened to the talking, then realized it was mostly about climate change and UFO’s.

They...

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

I’m so glad I installed a bidet on my toilet.

These are the kind of investments that are right up my alley!

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

Three billionaires are out golfing together

Suddenly, a ringing sound is heard. The first of the three pulls an earpiece out of his pocket and takes a call. When finished, he brags to the others about how fancy it is.

After some time, another phone starts ringing. The second man starts talking seemingly into this air. When asked, he ex...

This isnt even a joke....

My recruiter at this job 5 years ago told me.

"being a trucker driving trucks over the road is like the only place i can think of where fapping is acceptable in the work place."

Until they installed driver facing cameras lol

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and th...

The new X Box Series or PS5 should have a CD stacker installed.

It would be a real game changer

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

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Man thinks his wife cheats on him when he's at work...

He can't afford cameras, and he aint the brightest guy around, so he thinks a parrot will do the trick. He'll watch what's going on in the house when the man's away and tell him when he gets back.



He goes to a store and explains the situation.

\-I got a great selection of parro...

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If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

I asked the plumber to install a garbage disposal on the bathtub drain...

He looked at me like - I - was the psycho.

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My grandfather is really frustrated at the new stairlift installed in his house.

He said, “It’s driving me up the fucking wall.”

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

Prague just installed new Covid-19 testing stations.

They named them Czech points.

Dear God, Could we please uninstall 2020 and re-install it????

It has a virus.

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I installed a skylight in my apartment today...

You wouldn't believe how pissed off the people upstairs were.

I helped my neighbours install clappers

There must be something wrong with them because they were flickering on and off all night

How many redditors on r/jokes does it take to change a lightbulb?

87.

1 to install the replacement and 86 to point out it’s already been used before.

Since I've installed Adblock Plus

All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.

The local bakery installed a new alarm system

They wanted to prevent “Baking and Entering”..

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

Finally got a beer tap installed in our home.

But now my wife's complaining that she "can't have a regular bath".

Why does the French Army install Rear-view mirrors in their Tanks?

So that they can see the battle.

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

An electrician installed two aeriels on the same roof . . .

The aeirels quickly fell in love, went on many dates and were soon married. The wedding went off without a hitch . . .

But there was no reception.

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You decide to get some new water storage tanks for your house out in the countryside.

The plumber doing the installation, some guy called Terry, arrives hours late, completes the job way over schedule and overcharges you, so you give him the finger and pay him in one-cent coins (which you've saved for occasions like this). Terry says nothing and leaves, but unbeknownst to you, he fir...

I installed anti virus software on my computer

Now my computer has autism

I got a new plant that survives on water and learning new words...

It's cool and all, but I had to install a hydro-phonics system.

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I bought my wife a stripper pole for our anniversary and installed it in our bedroom.

Whenever I ask her if she likes it, she just dances around the subject.

I just finished installing a 5G mast for the local area when this crazy lady runs out of the house and starts throwing bizarre accusations of how 5G is hurting people's health and what monsters we telecoms guys are. What a screwball!

4G must've fried her brain.

A year ago today, I installed a second mirror on the opposite wall from our first...

It’s something I always love to look back on.

Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well..

All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.

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A soap factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve th...

My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed.

I’ll admit, I took them for granite.

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

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Had a plumber install a toilet for me and he was a really nice guy

I feel terrible knowing I’m shitting all over his hard work.

Installing mufflers isn’t an easy job.

It’s exhausting.

"Hello, you here to talk to me about Dinosaurs?"

Answer the door and see that its a sale man from an internet service provider. They have stopped at my house ten times in the last year to tell me about the digging in my area and I decided to have some fun with them today. Here is the conversation from today:

Me: Hello, you here to talk to m...

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When the prison guards decided to install computers in the local prison, what was the first procedure taken?

Removing the ‘escape’ button.

I had to call tech support for my computer the other day.

Tech Support: “It seems as though your operating system was installed backwards.”

Me: “So?”

A lighthouse was installed at an Alaskan cape near a remote Inuit village

The leader of the village opposed the installation, but the US government overruled him.

One foggy morning, the village leader said to his people, "I told you that thing no good. Look at it: light flash, bell ring, horn go woo-woo. But fog come in, just like always."

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

My doctor said I’ve now reached the age where it’s recommended that I install a bar in my bathtub!

What do you guys think, beer and wine, or full liquor?

New SUV

Well Gm has planned to relaunch the Hummer line as eco friendly electric trucks. To save even more electricity the horn had been removed from the deluxe model and a bell installed attached to a cable. It will be called the Humdinger edition.

Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over.

Sorry for the repost.

I was the first person to install trampolines on musicians tour buses

Now everyone is jumping on the bandwagon.

Carpet Installers

As Bill finished installing the carpet in the lady’s house, he walked through each room to make sure it was done well. In the bedroom he found a frustrated co-worker smashing his hammer into the carpet.

“What’s going on Paul?” he asked. “I must’ve left my cigarettes under the carpet. I’m not ...

How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?

You tell him Barack Obama installed it.

My company just installed an elevator that labels the ground floor as "2" and goes up from there.

It's wrong on so many levels.

After double doors had to be installed in the castle to allow for Henry VIII's massive frame, he was no longer the same man who enjoyed playing his horn or teaching his kids.

He was a two-door tooter Tudor too dour to tutor

My wife wouldn’t agree to installing a mirror on our bedroom ceiling!

She can’t stand to see me enjoy myself!

Why did the tree install solar panels?

It wanted to be a power plant.

If you ever think your job is pointless, just remember...

You could be the guy who installs indicators on BMWs.

I installed Fortnite on my laptop and I already killed 20 kids

They should have known better than to approach a stranger offering them a free laptop with Fortnite on it

Why did the bakery install a security system?

To protect the dough!

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A state of the art fighter jet with a sentient navigation computer malfunctioned and went into a tailspin

The human pilot realized it was unrecoverable and shouted, "Computer, initiate automated ejection sequence."

After a long silence, the computer responded, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

Smirking, the crafty, old-school pilot muttered, "I knew the...

A mirror installation guy....

Now there's a job I could really see myself doing...

TIL how not to install a fence

Ooops... wrong place for this post

I wish Ford installed heated bumpers.

Would keep my hands warm while I’m pushing mine to the side of the freeway.

TIFU by installing my fence on my neighbors property

Oops, wrong place for this post.

My wife is the least technical person in the world, so when she told me she had finished installing Java, I was astounded.

Until she held up her empty coffee cup.

A customer walks into a bank...

...and tells the cashier: "Good morning. I've come to pay the final installment on the loan used to buy a baby stroller"

Cashier: "That's wonderful. And how is the baby doing?"

Customer: "I'm doing alright, thank you."

Why didn't the scientist install a door bell at his home?

Because he wanted a Nobel prize.

How do you get Jeffrey Epstein to install a light bulb?

Tell him it's 12yo and he will screw it.

So a German installs a bath around his desk...

BADUMTISCH

What does a vampire do before installing a new piece of software?

Sign the DracEULA.

Some actors are famous for playing the same role in multiple movies, but none so much as Lee Navarre.

Lee Navarre had starred in a couple of low budget films like Greta's Gallery and Fisherman Flanagan, but no one really took note of him till he was seen in the first movie of the mystery series "When Midnight Chimes". As we all know, it was an instant hit and Navarre gained a lot of critical acclaim...

Recently installed a shower bar.

Never been sober since.

I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.


I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.


The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service...

Talking with your girlfriend is just like software installation EULA

you just scroll down waiting for it to finish and agree without understanding what it says

My Dad installed a shelf in the wall of the shower today. It's nice, but it wont appeal to everyone

It's a bit niche

My boss accused me of installing a hidden camera in the woman's toilet.

"How do you know it was me, it could be anyone!", I told him.

"I saw you from MY camera!", he replied.

Did you hear about the husband who found that his wife had run off with the man who installed their security system?

He became quite alarmed

It took over a month to install our floor-to-ceiling windows.

It was a big pane.

If you shared on Facebook about a fence installation video you were editing...

Would that make it a post post post?

My family is so generous...

They installed hardwood in my dining room.
I was floored.

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A woman goes in for a facelift

The doctor tells her, “We have a revolutionary new device that we install on the back of your neck. Whenever you feel that you need more lift, you turn the knob on the device and it will tighten your skin.”

The woman is ecstatic and gets the device installed. She has it for about 6 months an...

After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore.

I deleted the app.

I installed anti-virus on my PC

Now the damned thing has autism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob was a carpet installer

and one day he installed this beautiful wall to wall carpet for Mrs. Smith. He spent all day and did a great job. As he finished he was thinking "I'm ready for a cigarette now!". They weren't in his shirt pocket, and they weren't in his vest pocket. They weren't in his pants.

As Bob was goin...

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A little old lady calls a carpet installation company to redo her living room carpeting...

Mitch arrives, takes measurements and begins work. He pulls out the old carpeting, sands the floor down and lays in the new carpet. It takes all day.

When he's finally done he notices a small lump under the carpet in one corner of the floor. "Ah, fuck. What the hell is this now?" he says. He...

Why don't men install urinals in their houses?

Their wives just wouldn't stand for it :)

I recently installed a new Operating System. The problem is that it randomly deleted half of my files.

It is called Than OS.

My friend got hit with a window installment falling on his lower back the other day

Said it was a huge pane in the ass

If you ever feel your job is meaningless...

Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

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A man installs a lie detector app on his smartphone and shows it off to his family at the dinner table.

Then as they begin eating he asks his son, "So, what have you been doing this afternoon?"

"Just working on my research paper, Dad..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"Okay, I was on the Internet, looking at pictures of kittens and stuff..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"All right, I was ...

I used to install mufflers but I recently quit

It was too exhausting.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his...

How many Paladins does it take to install a ceiling lamp?

Two, one to the screw the bolts in and the other to uphold the light.

Why do Mexicans always install those tiny steering wheels in their cars?

So they can drive with the handcuffs on.

What would they call the 10th installment in the Fast and Furious Series?

-Fast 10 Your Seatbelts

-Fast 10 Furious

Two marketing executives were discussing what to call the new advertising signs that were being installed along the highway.

VP Phil: Let's call them Philboards

CEO Bill: I've just had a great idea!

Two terrorists were installing a bomb

One says to another “what will happen if this one explodes while we are installing it?”

The other responds:

“Don’t worry I’m carrying a spare”

Why is it so dark in the apple headquarters?

Because they haven’t installed any Windows.

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