UPJOKE
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Instal Jokes

Guys, don't install adblock

I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me any more.

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

Why does the French Army install Rear-view mirrors in their Tanks?

So that they can see the battle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

I installed a high-voltage fence around my property.

My neighbour is dead against it.

Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well..

All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.

I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great

But it's a job I can see myself doing

I tried installing a calendar app but accidentally installed a colander .

It keeps draining my battery.

Why have Prigozhin installed Linux?

Windows suddenly makes him feel unsafe

Since I've installed Adblock Plus

All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.

Breaking news: Yevgeny Prigozhin of the Wagner Group has installed Linux on his computer.

He's trying to stay away from Windows.

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I installed a skylight in an apartment today...

The people in the apartment upstairs were plenty pissed.

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Did you hear about the man who installed a window in his butt?

It was a pane in the ass.

Been thinking about taking a job as a mirror installer....

I could see myself doing that work.

I heard Putin was installing Windows

And Microsoft had to accept his terms and conditions.

A man sees his neighbor installing a fence

“Hey, weren’t you just installing that fence post last week?” he asks.

“Yeah, this is a repost,” the neighbor replies.

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office

It improved my outlook.

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I just installed a bidet

Now I can care less about the shits I give

A farmer installed a modem in his barn

I guess you could say he has stable internet now

Local news reports a large dreidel display is being installed in the town square

Until further notice, this is their top story.

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?

Answer: To win the Nobel Prize!

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Bob was a carpet installer

and one day he installed this beautiful wall to wall carpet for Mrs. Smith. He spent all day and did a great job. As he finished he was thinking "I'm ready for a cigarette now!". They weren't in his shirt pocket, and they weren't in his vest pocket. They weren't in his pants.

As Bob was goin...

How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?

You tell him Barack Obama installed it.

Do not install adblock on your computer or phone

Now all the hot single moms don’t want me anymore

I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.


I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.


The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service...

I'm going to install a light bulb

Never done it before - hope I don't screw it up.

Carpet Installers

As Bill finished installing the carpet in the lady’s house, he walked through each room to make sure it was done well. In the bedroom he found a frustrated co-worker smashing his hammer into the carpet.

“What’s going on Paul?” he asked. “I must’ve left my cigarettes under the carpet. I’m not ...

I installed a wind turbine in my yard if you want pics..

Subscribe to my onlyfans site

TIL, Big Ben was named after Sir Benjamin Hall who oversaw the installation of the Bell....

Thankfully, his brother Richard reported sick that day .

TIL how not to install a fence

Ooops... wrong place for this post

As a repair man, I once installed a motor too powerful in a moving stairway.

It escalated very quickly.

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.

Got an estimate on installing a new Air Conditioner in our house for $18k…

Looks like we’re going with Only Fans this summer.

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Who did Hitler plan to install as commander of the Indonesian air force if they agreed to join the Axis powers?

Hermann Goreng

Prague just installed new Covid-19 testing stations.

They named them Czech points.

Talking with your girlfriend is just like software installation EULA

you just scroll down waiting for it to finish and agree without understanding what it says

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Which franchise has the most anticipated final installment for their trilogy?

Christianity, the return of Christ, coming to cinemas near you whenever god feels like it

I helped my neighbours install clappers

There must be something wrong with them because they were flickering on and off all night

Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over.

Sorry for the repost.

What do you call a software wizard that installs applications?

The Wizard of OS

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One of my friends installed strobe lights in his bedroom.

He says the sex is the same, but his wife looks like she’s moving.

I installed anti-virus on my PC

Now the damned thing has autism.

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and th...

Fraudster who installs kitchen worktops for a living is jailed!!

Police say he was charged with counter fitting.

Dear God, Could we please uninstall 2020 and re-install it????

It has a virus.

A woman buys a wardrobe for her bedroom

After it is installed all is well until the train passes on the nearby track and the wardrobe falls down.

She calls a technician to check it out, he proceeds to secure it with some supports but when the train passes it again falls down.

Surprised but determined, the technician again in...

Recently installed a shower bar.

Never been sober since.

I feel bad for plumbers who install those fancy water heaters that hang on the wall.

It’s a tankless job.

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I bought my wife a stripper pole for our anniversary and installed it in our bedroom.

Whenever I ask her if she likes it, she just dances around the subject.

A man has just finished installing new carpet in a customer's home

When the last staple has been set he reaches into his pocket to get his pack of cigarettes but doesn't find the pack.

He looks around and sees a small lump in the middle of the room under the carpet. He doesn't want to rip up all the carpet again just for his pack of smokes so he smashes it ...

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Had a plumber install a toilet for me and he was a really nice gentlemen.

I feel terrible knowing I’m shitting all over his hard work.

Installing mufflers isn’t an easy job.

It’s exhausting.

I wish Ford installed heated bumpers.

Would keep my hands warm while I’m pushing mine to the side of the freeway.

Which room is the easiest to install windows in, regardless of it's position in the building?

A server room.

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Two Nuns are tasked with painting a room.

Two nuns are tasked with painting a bedroom. They are concerned about getting paint all over their outfits, so they lock themselves inside and strip out of them and begin painting in their underwear. All is going well until there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” They ask. “Blind man,” is the rep...

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

I’m so glad I installed a bidet on my toilet.

These are the kind of investments that are right up my alley!

Why don't men install urinals in their houses?

Their wives just wouldn't stand for it :)

Finally got a beer tap installed in our home.

But now my wife's complaining that she "can't have a regular bath".

Die Hard producers just announced filming’s started on the 6th installment of Bruce Willis’ popular action franchise.

It’ll be called Get Hard or Die Trying

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his...

A man who has just finished installing a carpet into a house decides to have a smoke.

He reaches into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes, but it isn't there. He looks at the room he has just carpeted and sees a lump under the carpet.

"I'm not tearing up the carpet I just laid out for a dumb pack of cigarettes," thinks the man. So he goes to the lump in the carpet and squish...

Today I read that there are people who refuse to set up sanitary installations for basic hand hygene in their bath rooms.

When the realiziation hit me, I was like: Let that sink in!

TIFU by installing my fence on my neighbors property

Oops, wrong place for this post.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandfather is really frustrated at the new stairlift installed in his house.

He said, “It’s driving me up the fucking wall.”

I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested.

Turns out counter fitting is illegal!

Boss just installed watsapp.

My boss just installed watsapp and texted me:


Boss: Hey, send me some jokes or something.


ME: Ok boss but please first tell when will I get a rise.


Boss: LMAO Nice one send more.

The new X Box Series or PS5 should have a CD stacker installed.

It would be a real game changer

Two terrorists were installing a bomb

One says to another “what will happen if this one explodes while we are installing it?”

The other responds:

“Don’t worry I’m carrying a spare”

I asked the plumber to install a garbage disposal on the bathtub drain...

He looked at me like - I - was the psycho.

An electrician installed two aeriels on the same roof . . .

The aeirels quickly fell in love, went on many dates and were soon married. The wedding went off without a hitch . . .

But there was no reception.

I got a job installing security systems...

I find it pretty alarming

Why do we install Windows to some fridges?

Because it freezes very well.

I installed this new clickbait electrical system

What happened next was shocking

I was the first person to install trampolines on musicians tour buses

Now everyone is jumping on the bandwagon.

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Installing a Husband.

**INSTALLING A HUSBAND**

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
...
In addition, ...

I used to install mufflers but I recently quit

It was too exhausting.

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

How do you get Jeffrey Epstein to install a light bulb?

Tell him it's 12yo and he will screw it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineer goes to hell

A professional engineer dies and because of some misfiled paperwork, ends up in hell. Trudging through the sweltering heat, eventually he comes across Satan and says, "You know, with a little work, we can probably cool this place off..." At first, Satan is enraged and prepares to unleash fury on thi...

A lighthouse was installed at an Alaskan cape near a remote Inuit village

The leader of the village opposed the installation, but the US government overruled him.

One foggy morning, the village leader said to his people, "I told you that thing no good. Look at it: light flash, bell ring, horn go woo-woo. But fog come in, just like always."

My boss accused me of installing a hidden camera in the woman's toilet.

"How do you know it was me, it could be anyone!", I told him.

"I saw you from MY camera!", he replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man installs a lie detector app on his smartphone and shows it off to his family at the dinner table.

Then as they begin eating he asks his son, "So, what have you been doing this afternoon?"

"Just working on my research paper, Dad..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"Okay, I was on the Internet, looking at pictures of kittens and stuff..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"All right, I was ...

What does a vampire do before installing a new piece of software?

Sign the DracEULA.

My wife wouldn’t agree to installing a mirror on our bedroom ceiling!

She can’t stand to see me enjoy myself!

A year ago today, I installed a second mirror on the opposite wall from our first...

It’s something I always love to look back on.

I installed a pedometer app on my phone

But whichever direction I walk, I seem to be moving away from the kids.

I can't stand how many LED's they installed at the weed shop...

Everything's so lit there.

How many Paladins does it take to install a ceiling lamp?

Two, one to the screw the bolts in and the other to uphold the light.

My girlfriend Dora found out I installed Tinder.

She said, "Swiper no swiping!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was installing an electric circuit in my house.

He said, 'Do you mind if I dip this thin metal thread into my coloured fluid?'

'Why the fuck would I care?' I asked.

He said, 'I'm only ink wiring.'

The other night my wife and I were getting frisky, she bit her lip and whispered in my ear, "I've been naughty and need to be punished!"

So I installed Windows 8 on her laptop...

An engineer dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives St. Peter looks at the book and scratches his head. He says 'You were involved in some great civil engineering projects so I ought to let you into heaven but you were also involved in weapons programs that resulted in great loss of life' 'I am sorry but you will have to go to hell'. ...

It took over a month to install our floor-to-ceiling windows.

It was a big pane.

Oscar Pistorius wants to install a new bathroom door...

but his girlfriend is dead against it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the prison guards decided to install computers in the local prison, what was the first procedure taken?

Removing the ‘escape’ button.

After years of never having enough hot water, and countless cold showers, we finally had an on-demand water heater installed, that provides unlimited hot water.

And although the plumber did an excellent installation and worked quickly, we did not express our appreciation.

It was a tankless job.

An engineer dies and goes up to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed.

I’ll admit, I took them for granite.

I installed some new Humbuckers on my guitar.

Now the ladies call me a pickup artist.

What would they call the 10th installment in the Fast and Furious Series?

-Fast 10 Your Seatbelts

-Fast 10 Furious

Never let the CIA install your government.

Too much spyware.

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