UPJOKE
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I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

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I once tried to have sex with a great white shark, but lost my erection

my leg, and half my arse.

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Did you hear about the time an MMA fighter got an erection and used it to ram his opponent?

That was a real dick move!

What do you call a turtle with an erection?

A slow poke!

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had hard evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

My new diet and exercise program requires me to not eat for 24 hrs and maintain an erection

It’s a hard and fast rule

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

What is long,erect,can be spelled with P,N,E,I,S and once injured,makes you half a man?

SPINE.

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or a wedding gift a guy decides to tattoo his wife's name on his penis. When erect it proudly reads "Wendy" on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows "Wy".

While On His Honeymoon In The Caribbean, He Is Using The Bathroom And Notices The Guy In The Urinal Next To Him Also Has A "Wy" On His Penis. He Then Asks The Guy If His Wife Is Named Wendy. The Guy Replies In A Jamaican Accent "No Man, Why Do You Ask". The Husband Then Explains That He Noticed The ...

My Dr said the prostate exam can cause erections in some men

Turns out he wasn't talking about the patient.

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What is common between election and erection?

A dick rising to power.

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

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A no arm no leg guy is tanning in the beach....

When three hot babes walk by. The bosomy blonde walks up to him and ask " You poor man, have you ever been hugged? "
" No I haven't" he replied.
The blonde proceeds to hug him pressing her soft large bosom again him. He uncontrollably sports an erection.

The smoking brunette noticin...

I had a fight with my erection this morning

I beat it single handedly.

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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar....

He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and sh...

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My Doctor tells me it's not uncommon to get an erection and ejaculate during a prostate exam.

But I still wish he wouldn't.

Anthropologists tell us Neanderthal men did not walk fully erect.

Which makes sense, given what Neanderthal women looked like.

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What does Japanese people do when they have erection?

They vote.

Did you hear about the komodo dragon that couldn't get an erection?

Turns out he had ereptile dysfunction

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A friend of mine has an overly large schlong and will show his erection to anyone for five bucks.

I asked him why and he said he's hard up for cash.

What's the difference between a big pill and an erection?

One's hard to get down while the other is hard to get up

What is it called when a statistician can't get an erection?

Percentile disfunction

Adam and Eve

What did Adam say to Eve when he got his first erection?

"Stand back! I don't know how big this thing's going to get!

I won first place in the Biggest Erection contest

I had some stiff competition.

What do you call a mummy with an erection?

Petrified wood

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A 6 year old boy visits the zoo with his parents…

…where they stop to see the elephant. While the father’s in the restroom, the son notices one elephant has a rather large erection. Curious, he gets his mom’s attention.

“Mommy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “Oh, that’s its trunk honey.” “No, further back!” “Ah, you mean its tail!” ...

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What do you call a situation in which a person died while his penis was erect ?

A Die Hard situation

My boss told me he's not going to pay me if I keep having erections at work

I told him that's my hard-earned money

To had to go for my first prostate exam today.

To had to go for my first prostate exam today. Doctor came in and said, "hello, I'm doctor Williams. Please drop your pants. Now Chris, don't get an erection."
I said " my name is not Chris"
He said," I know, Chris is my name".

An Undertaker named Bob

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. He wife asked him, "What happened to you?"

"I've had a terrible day!" says Bob. I had to go to a hotel, where a guest had died in his sleep! When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag, because he had a huge...

I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection”…

But she did.

What’s the difference between an erection and a Camaro?

I don’t have a Camaro!


That joke works better when a guy says it so someone please take it.

I was at the doctor, getting the digital rectal exam, and the doctor says:

"At this point of the exam it is normal to get an erection"

I said"I don't have an erection"

The doctor says "No. But I do"

Men of reddit, does sunset give you an erection?

Because morning would.

What do you call an erection that died early? (Nsfw)

Mourning wood

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Bloke goes to a doctor and says 'Why is it that every time I look in the mirror, I get an erection?'

Doctor says 'It's because you look like a twat!'

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What is erection fraud ?

Viagra

I'm quite sad... since I turned 70, I barely can have an erection anymore. But I'm also happy :

My wife seems, at last, to got rid of her never-ending headaches.

I had a dream last night that I was fighting an erection.

I was able to beat it off single handedly

Put these letters together to form a word. P N E I S Clue: a body part that is very important when erect.

The answer is spine.

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

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A serial killer goes on a killing spree

He then skins all the faces off his victim and puts them in giant scrapbook.


The scrapbook is then tied to a post which he erects on his front lawn. It is quite a gruesome sight to behold.


Naturally the police find him pretty easily.


When he gets to court though his ...

I get erections at funerals. "Mourning wood," if you will.

It's hard to come up with an original erection joke. The competition is stiff.

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My wife wanted me to get some viagra so I could get an erection..

She didn’t understand anything when I came home with weight-loss pills for her.

A minister dies..

..and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, ta...

What goes in erect, hard and dry. And comes out wet and flaccid ?

Spaghetti in the boiling pan !

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What a strange bar (long)

A salesman had to make a cold call in a city he had never visited. He checked into a hotel the night before his presentation. Bored, he decided to take a walk and find a bar nearby. He found a nice little bar about a block away, sat down at a table and ordered a drink. He noticed 4 walnuts sitti...

Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?

Old hobbits die hard.

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Jamaican man

Once an English man went to Jamaica. He was using the urinal and saw a Jamaican man. He saw the tattoo of initial W A on the Jamaican man's penis and was a bit jealous. He went to a tattoo parlor and got himself a tattoo on his penis. The next day, he met the same Jamaican man and proudly prompted, ...

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According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

I had my legs propped on a pillow in bed

I turned to my wife and told her I had an erect shin. She asked me if I was really in the mood. I told her to look at my legs.

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A woman told her husband to go to the doctor because he couldn't get an erection.

He came home with a bottle of pills.

His wife asked, "So, did he give you Viagra or Cialis?"
The husband replied, "Neither, he gave me really strong diet pills."
His wife responded, "That's weird, why would you have to take diet pills?"

Handing her the bottle, the man say...

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

,, Don't feel embarassed Sir, erection is common during a prostate exam"

,, But doctor, I don't have an erection! "

,, I know, but I do"

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Have you guys heard about the man who’s penis is so big, he passes out from blood loss when he becomes erect?

I heard he’s a hard sleeper.

The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing erection.

I just wish it had been mine.

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Spiderman, Iron-man and Superman decided to check who has the strongest erection

Spiderman, Iron-man and Superman decided to check who has the strongest erection

 

Iron-man thinks about Pepper Potts hangs 5-gallon bucket on his shlong and walks 5 yards. Everybody praises him.

 


Spiderman thinks about Gwen Stacy hangs 20-gallon ke...

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We Japanese cherish erections

It is an essential part of our riberty

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[nsfw] so apparently adult male whales have a 10 foot long penis when fully erect

The only thing i dont get is how rebel wilson fits it in her pants

Once a hobbit gets to around 125 years old, they are very likely to die. And a little known fact is that, when they do, they are generally found to have a raging, post-mortem erection!

That's right, old hobbits die hard.

What happens when I walk into a wall with a full erection?

I break my nose.

Apparently they’re going to erect a statue in memory of Dame Vera Lynn ...

Don’t know where, don’t know when

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What's the difference between an erection and an election?

One involves only one dick, and the other involves many.

What company doesn't like people who get erections often?

Ubisoft

No joke, Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking.

guess all the money in the world can't help erect-isle dysfunction.

Rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part that is most useful when erect...

...Those who answered 'spine' will be doctors someday. The rest of us will be posting jokes on Reddit.

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There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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What is the similarity between erect dicks and math problems

They are long and hard

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[NSFW] Silently I slipped the condom over my erect

dick and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...

Then breaking the silence I spoke ...

"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please .....

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

The 4 hour erection...

I went to a chemist store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. 

The woman I spoke to said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. 

She asked if she could help me.

I said that I really would have preferred to spea...

My wife suggested I get an erection enhancer .

So I did.

Her name is Tamy, shes a 21 yr old dancer

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My gf asked me if she could snort a line of cocaine on my erect dick,

I got so weirded out by this demand of hers that I had to dickline it.

My doctor said it's normal to get an erection during a prostate exam

But I would still prefer it if he didn't whip it out in the middle of our appointment.

A Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an Erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.

The Doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.

He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.

Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.

He then ...

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Even this is nothing

A kid roaming in the market with his mom saw a horny donkey with erected d\*ck. Pointing at that he asked "Mom, what is that ? "



Hesitatingly, she replied "Nothing" and took him away to home.



Somedays later, when moving around with his dad, he again saw that donkey with...

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A homeless man goes into a pharmacy and asks the young woman behind the counter

"Do you have any male pharmacist here ?"

Woman " Well, me and my twin sister own this place and take turns. I'm a professional so you can tell your problem " .

Man " well it's so embarassing. My cock is always erect no matter how many times I come out . I literally have to tape it to ...

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A man is told by his doctor that he'll never again have a erection.

"It's a very unique case of erectile dysfunction" the doctor says.

"There is only only way to possibly cure it, but the procedure is very risky and unorthodox. You see, I can graft tissue from an elephant's truck into your penis, which could allow you to achieve an erection."

The man,...

I thought getting an erection during a prostate exam was inappropriate, but my Doctor told me it happens all the time, just ignore it.

I tried to but he kept rubbing it against my hip.

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Went for a testicle check up last week. The little tai nurse cupped my balls and said 'dont worry, it's normal to get an erection during this procedure'

I said 'i haven't got an erection'

She said 'no, but I have'

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An asian, a Black and a White guy were in prison.

The prison manager gave them a chance to get out, as it was the presidents birthday.

Prison manager: if all the combined length of your penises comes to 10 inches, you will get out.

The black man had 5 inches.
The white man had 4 inches.
The asian man had 1 inch.

As they w...

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I saw this gorgeous Thai lady with spectacular boobs get on the train and sit opposite me. I thought to myself 'Don't get an erection!'

But she did.

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Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

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What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

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A blind man's big penis

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

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Solution to erection problems

I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.

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Final Erection

A man ask the Doctor about his erection problems and what it could be done about. The Doc told him that's age related and that there is not much he can do about BUT:
"Just eat a popsicle and keep the stick. Tie it under your dick, it's not perfect but will do..."

The man does as advised an...

My evening wouldn’t normally start out with an erection...

..but my morning wood.

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A group of protesters have been using catapults to launch cow dung at recently erected wind turbines

They've missed every shot so far, but I have a feeling that if they manage to topple one it will be big news, and we'll all remember this day, saying,

"Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

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I saw a dead man with a noose around his neck with his penis fully erect.

Needless to say, he was hung.

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(A character in a dream told me this joke) This dude calls his vet and says "My dog ate one of my Viagra and has had an erection for more than four hours, what should I do?"

The vet replied, "Did you try to manually induce ejaculation?"

The guy goes, "Yeah I tried but I couldn't get hard because my dog ate my last pill!"

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Longer Each Day

Ralph awoke one day to realize that his member had inexplicably been growing larger and staying erect longer with each passing day. He was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his sex organ had grown to nearly 20 inches and Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressin...

When I was a kid I didn't know how difficult it was to conceal an erection sometimes.

I had to learn the hard way.

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One day the pope wakes up with an erection

Damnit, must have been a side effect from the Holy Viagra. It won't go away, but he has a parade to go to that morning! So he steps onto his Holy Balcony, slips out of his Holy Pyjamas, and does what most people do when they have an erection they want to get rid of.

That's masturbate, by the ...

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How do you call the condition when a crocodile is unable to get an erect penis?

Ereptile dysfunction.

I made an appointment with my doctor because I couldn’t get an erection.

But I later had to cancel because something came up.

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There was a guy who was having chronic trouble getting an erection.

After weeks of frustration, he finally decides he is going to go see a doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and eventually makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deterioratin...

The brain is amazing...

It works 365 days per year, 24 hours per day, right from birth, until you get your 1st erection.

Whats the difference between a porsche and an erection?

I dont have a porsche.

(Best told by whispering in someones ear.)

To solve world hunger we need to eat the rich and erect a giant statue of Bernie Sanders. Why do we need the statue?

Well, I’m glad that the first step didn’t raise any questions.

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A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection.

After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment co...

What does a carpenter use to make a casket when someone dies with an erection

Mourning wood

Erections are so sneaky

They happen right under your nose

What do truck drivers do when they get too old to have an erection?

Get a new Peterbilt

It's pretty rough on an old man when his semi-annual erection ....

deteriorates into an annual semi-erection.

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