UPJOKE
raiseuprightverticalset uprearstandingconstructput uprampantliftbuildpassantconstructiontumidrearing

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Japanese people do when they have erection?

They vote.

Last month a girl broke up with me because I couldn’t get erect.

She recently sent me a message to apologise for the way she went about it. I said ‘It’s all good, no hard feelings.’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dated a girl who’s kink was to freeze my erect penis before having sex.

We eventually broke it off.

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

My girlfriend apologised for not giving me an erection

I told her there were no hard feelings

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having a pee at a urinal in Jamaica when a local man joined him..

"What is that tattoo you have on your penis?" Says the local man

"Oh, it says WY now because it was the name of my ex girlfriend, Wendy, so when I get an erection it says her name.." says the man.

"Take a look at this" the Jamaican shows the man his penis, also having WY on his penis.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

I fought an erection this morning

Beat it single handed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.





Edit: HOLY SHIT FRONT PAGE!!!! I'm so excited i almost cum in my pants! but i came in my dog instead :)

I was confused when my boss fired me for constantly having erection at the office

He is the one who told me he liked seeing employees hard at work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Solution to erection problems

I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man decided to tattoo his wife's name on his penis before going to their honeymoon

When erect it proudly reads *Wendy* on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows *Wy*.

While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a *Wy* on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I dissolved a Viagra in my mouth just to see what would happen. I didn't get an erection,...

...but I did tell a few people some hard truths.

What do you call a Viking's erection?

"Norwegian Wood"

Doctor told me it was perfectly normal to get an erection during the prostate exam

- " But doctor, I don't have an erection"

- "I do, but it's perfectly normal"

What is it called when Batman gets an erection?

The Dark Knight Rises

My grandpa never laughs at my erection jokes.

I guess he doesn't get them.

I showed up at my girlfriend’s apartment with an erection.

I got a hard no.

I was sitting on a train next to a hot Thai girl.

I thought to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection."

But.....she did.

Erections happen all the time

A man is about to get a prostate exam from his doctor. Before the doctor begins, he tells the man "I must tell you, during this type of examination, erections happen all the time. They are very common, and trust me, it's nothing to be embarrassed about."

The man seems a little uncomfortable, ...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?

Old hobbits die hard.

Doctor to patient: Don't worry, It's pretty common to get an erection during a rectal examination

Patient: I don't have an erection..
Doctor: But I do.

My clone gets an erection every time someone walks into the room...

I must've made a hard copy.

I ran into a wall with a full erection this morning

I am hospitalized now because i broke my nose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the similarity between election and erection?

Only dicks can stand in both of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier returns home to his wife after a year-long deployment overseas.

He wants to show her how he managed to go a year without having sex with anybody else. "So how did you do it?" she asks.

"I trained my dick to respond to drill commands like so." He undoes his belt and drops his trousers. "Dick, ten-HUT!"

His penis springs straight up, erect and raring...

I know now why Trump wants to build a wall

It's been years since he managed to erect anything

Anthropologists tell us Neanderthal men did not walk fully erect.

Which makes sense, given what Neanderthal women looked like.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

Whats the difference between a porsche and an erection?

I dont have a porsche.

(Best told by whispering in someones ear.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a guy who was having chronic trouble getting an erection.

After weeks of frustration, he finally decides he is going to go see a doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and eventually makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deterioratin...

What do you call a turtle with an erection?

A slow poke!

Rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part that is most useful when erect...

...Those who answered 'spine' will be doctors someday. The rest of us will be posting jokes on Reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Priest and his ERECTION!!!

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pre...

Men of reddit, does sunset give you an erection?

Because morning would.

The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing erection.

I just wish it had been mine.

A Mexican with a raging erection walks into a wall. What part hits the wall first?

The lawnmower.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is erection fraud ?

Viagra

My Dr said the prostate exam can cause erections in some men

Turns out he wasn't talking about the patient.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Silently I slipped the condom over my erect

dick and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...

Then breaking the silence I spoke ...

"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please .....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's some advice for all men

If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection

The 4 hour erection...

I went to a chemist store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. 

The woman I spoke to said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. 

She asked if she could help me.

I said that I really would have preferred to spea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy comes back from deployment after a year...

And immediately when he gets home, he shows his wife a new trick he taught himself. He drops his pants and looks at his member and says "Soldier, ten-hut!"
His member immediately shoots errect.
She finds this ammusing.
"Baby," he says "there is more."
He looks down at his member and says...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Final Erection

A man ask the Doctor about his erection problems and what it could be done about. The Doc told him that's age related and that there is not much he can do about BUT:
"Just eat a popsicle and keep the stick. Tie it under your dick, it's not perfect but will do..."

The man does as advised an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day the pope wakes up with an erection

Damnit, must have been a side effect from the Holy Viagra. It won't go away, but he has a parade to go to that morning! So he steps onto his Holy Balcony, slips out of his Holy Pyjamas, and does what most people do when they have an erection they want to get rid of.

That's masturbate, by the ...

What's the difference between polite conversation and an erection?

I can maintain polite conversation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you keep an erection?

Don't fuck with it

What is long,erect,can be spelled with P,N,E,I,S and once injured,makes you half a man?

SPINE.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We Japanese cherish erections

It is an essential part of our riberty

I get erections at funerals. "Mourning wood," if you will.

It's hard to come up with an original erection joke. The competition is stiff.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man's big penis

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

What’s the difference between an erection and a Camaro?

I don’t have a Camaro!


That joke works better when a guy says it so someone please take it.

Erections are so sneaky

They happen right under your nose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

What's the worst place to get an erection?

In your ear.

I won first place in the Biggest Erection contest

I had some stiff competition.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once tried to have sex with a great white shark, but lost my erection

my leg, and half my arse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a situation in which a person died while his penis was erect ?

A Die Hard situation

What do you call an erect square?

An e-rectangle

Did you hear about the komodo dragon that couldn't get an erection?

Turns out he had ereptile dysfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar....

He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and sh...

How do u get a dead man to get an erection?

By Resurrection

Life is like an erection...

The more you think about it, the harder it gets.

What company doesn't like people who get erections often?

Ubisoft

What is it called when a statistician can't get an erection?

Percentile disfunction

How to define an erection

Different times, different measures

My evening wouldn’t normally start out with an erection...

..but my morning wood.

Wrong Erection.

went to the doctor for a prostate exam....

while examening me the doctor said;"some men can get an erection during this exam",

i repleyed; "not me"

Doctor;" i wasn't talking about you!"

The just erected a statue of the first insane man to be locked up at Ashworth secure hospital.

It's a Monumental.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the similarity between erect dicks and math problems

They are long and hard

If someone died with an erection.

..then he must be Bruce Willis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an erection and an election?

One involves only one dick, and the other involves many.

What goes in erect, hard and dry. And comes out wet and flaccid ?

Spaghetti in the boiling pan !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had an unremarkable erection today.

It was an OK boner.

My wife suggested I get an erection enhancer .

So I did.

Her name is Tamy, shes a 21 yr old dancer

Hiding an erection isn't as easy as you may think...

It's harder than it looks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dont get an erection Henry

A doctor was doing a prostate exam to a patient

D: If you get an erection is completely normal Henry but try not to

P: but doc, my name is Matt and I am not gay

D: oh I know that, Im Henry and I am gay

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The one about cows and erections

A cow herder goes to a vet one day looking for advice one day because he can't get his cows to mate and breed.

Man: Well doc, I've been trying all spring and summer and I haven't had any success.

Doc: Try this when you get home. Go up to the female cow and stick your thumb in her vagin...

I had a dream last night that I was fighting an erection.

I was able to beat it off single handedly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is told by his doctor that he'll never again have a erection.

"It's a very unique case of erectile dysfunction" the doctor says.

"There is only only way to possibly cure it, but the procedure is very risky and unorthodox. You see, I can graft tissue from an elephant's truck into your penis, which could allow you to achieve an erection."

The man,...

My new diet and exercise program requires me to not eat for 24 hrs and maintain an erection

It’s a hard and fast rule

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took some viagra and now my erection won't go away.

I think I have a shoplifting fetish.

,, Don't feel embarassed Sir, erection is common during a prostate exam"

,, But doctor, I don't have an erection! "

,, I know, but I do"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] so apparently adult male whales have a 10 foot long penis when fully erect

The only thing i dont get is how rebel wilson fits it in her pants

A man was hospitalized for a permanent erection

The positive side is now he’s up for anything

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor, I have a sexual problem.

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic s...

The average man in 5 inches long when erect.

I guess I trump that. I'm 5 ft 10.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American sailor walks up to a urinal and starts peeing...

... A few seconds later, a fellow Irish sailor goes to the urinal next to him and starts peeing. The American's eyes start to wander, and he can't help but look down at the Irish man's penis and notice a "W" and "Y" tattooed down there. "I'm really sorry that I looked over," says the American, "bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke goes to a doctor and says 'Why is it that every time I look in the mirror, I get an erection?'

Doctor says 'It's because you look like a twat!'

An erection doesn't stop you from urinating

It just makes it hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife wanted me to get some viagra so I could get an erection..

She didn’t understand anything when I came home with weight-loss pills for her.

Apparently they’re going to erect a statue in memory of Dame Vera Lynn ...

Don’t know where, don’t know when

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.