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What do you call a situation in which a person died while his penis was erect ?

A Die Hard situation

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

What is long,erect,can be spelled with P,N,E,I,S and once injured,makes you half a man?

SPINE.

Anthropologists tell us Neanderthal men did not walk fully erect.

Which makes sense, given what Neanderthal women looked like.

Men of reddit, does sunset give you an erection?

Because morning would.

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Bloke goes to a doctor and says 'Why is it that every time I look in the mirror, I get an erection?'

Doctor says 'It's because you look like a twat!'

I had a dream last night that I was fighting an erection.

I was able to beat it off single handedly

What happens when I walk into a wall with a full erection?

I break my nose.

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Spiderman, Iron-man and Superman decided to check who has the strongest erection

Spiderman, Iron-man and Superman decided to check who has the strongest erection

 

Iron-man thinks about Pepper Potts hangs 5-gallon bucket on his shlong and walks 5 yards. Everybody praises him.

 


Spiderman thinks about Gwen Stacy hangs 20-gallon ke...

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Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

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We Japanese cherish erections

It is an essential part of our riberty

(nsfw) A man can get an erection even after death.

Die hard

What do you call people who get raging erections in cemetaries?

Gravethrobbers.

What do you call getting an erection at a funeral?

Mourning Wood!

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What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

,, Don't feel embarassed Sir, erection is common during a prostate exam"

,, But doctor, I don't have an erection! "

,, I know, but I do"

Put these letters together to form a word. P N E I S Clue: a body part that is very important when erect.

The answer is spine.

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

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A woman told her husband to go to the doctor because he couldn't get an erection.

He came home with a bottle of pills.

His wife asked, "So, did he give you Viagra or Cialis?"
The husband replied, "Neither, he gave me really strong diet pills."
His wife responded, "That's weird, why would you have to take diet pills?"

Handing her the bottle, the man say...

I’ve been trying to come up with a joke about erections

But it’s too hard.

I strongly dislike trying to pee with an erection.

It's really hard.

I get erections at funerals. "Mourning wood," if you will.

It's hard to come up with an original erection joke. The competition is stiff.

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An elephant is standing on a street corner with an erection.

His thing is HUGE, hangs all the way to the ground.

At that moment a mother is taking her son to school and the son looks at the elephant and says "Mommy what is that?"

Mom: "Oh that's the trunk honey"
Kid: "No mom, further back between the legs"
Mom: "Oh that? That's n...

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What's the difference between an erection and an election?

One involves only one dick, and the other involves many.

What goes in erect, hard and dry. And comes out wet and flaccid ?

Spaghetti in the boiling pan !

Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?

Old hobbits die hard.

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

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What does viagra and the Chinese government have in common?

They both have been rigging erections for years.

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What does Japanese people do when they have erection?

They vote.

Apparently they’re going to erect a statue in memory of Dame Vera Lynn ...

Don’t know where, don’t know when

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

My wife suggested I get an erection enhancer .

So I did.

Her name is Tamy, shes a 21 yr old dancer

My doctor said it's normal to get an erection during a prostate exam

But I would still prefer it if he didn't whip it out in the middle of our appointment.

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According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

What company doesn't like people who get erections often?

Ubisoft

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[nsfw] A man proposes to his girlfriend and to his delight she says yes.

To show her how deep his love is, he decides to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. Penises being as they are, the name ‘Wendy’ is only visible when he has an erection. When it is flaccid, all that can be seen is ‘Wy’. ‘No bother’, he thinks. ‘This will just make the surprise even better on ...

I thought getting an erection during a prostate exam was inappropriate, but my Doctor told me it happens all the time, just ignore it.

I tried to but he kept rubbing it against my hip.

Once a hobbit gets to around 125 years old, they are very likely to die. And a little known fact is that, when they do, they are generally found to have a raging, post-mortem erection!

That's right, old hobbits die hard.

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Have you guys heard about the man who’s penis is so big, he passes out from blood loss when he becomes erect?

I heard he’s a hard sleeper.

If you lost your erection every time a game developer got accused of workplace harassment

Ubisoft

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[nsfw] so apparently adult male whales have a 10 foot long penis when fully erect

The only thing i dont get is how rebel wilson fits it in her pants

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Transvestite Hooker (Very NSFW)

A transvestite hooker is getting ready for his night out. He puts on his fish-net stockings, a red mini-skirt, and his tallest red heels. While he's at his street corner, this hulking guy approaches him and belts out, "How much for sex?" The transvestite tells him that it's *that* time of the month,...

When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters

'PNEIS'

and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors today while rest are on Reddit.

The Nudist Club

(Long)

A man joins an extremely exclusive nudist club. The first day in the camp he undresses and starts walking around a bit uncomfortably. The first person he meets is an extremely beautiful busty blonde and the man gets an erection immediately. The woman notices his erection, comes up to h...

The least specific name for a “Friends” episode:

“The one where Rachel’s nipples were erect”

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(A character in a dream told me this joke) This dude calls his vet and says "My dog ate one of my Viagra and has had an erection for more than four hours, what should I do?"

The vet replied, "Did you try to manually induce ejaculation?"

The guy goes, "Yeah I tried but I couldn't get hard because my dog ate my last pill!"

What do Asians do during erections?

They vote

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection....

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

The 4 hour erection...

I went to a chemist store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. 

The woman I spoke to said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. 

She asked if she could help me.

I said that I really would have preferred to spea...

In the beginning, man walked on all fours.

Then man met woman. And ever since, man has walked erect.

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A group of protesters have been using catapults to launch cow dung at recently erected wind turbines

They've missed every shot so far, but I have a feeling that if they manage to topple one it will be big news, and we'll all remember this day, saying,

"Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

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A man is driving home when he spots the most stunningly beautiful redhead trying to hitchhike. He stops next to her, but just as he does an old man jumps out of the bushes and points a shotgun at him...

He points both barrels at the man and yells "Start jerking off!"

"W-WHAT?!" Yells the man

"Start jerking off or I'm taking your head clean off your shoulders!"

The man desperately unzips his pants and begins to masturbate, after a solid hour he pleads for the man to let him go...

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For a wedding gift a guy decides to tattoo his wife's name on his penis.

When erect it proudly reads "Wendy" on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows "Wy". While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a "Wy" on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy. The guy re...

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Jake went the doctor for manhood problems

Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect:

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment...

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Went for a testicle check up last week. The little tai nurse cupped my balls and said 'dont worry, it's normal to get an erection during this procedure'

I said 'i haven't got an erection'

She said 'no, but I have'

The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing erection.

I just wish it had been mine.

When I was a kid I didn't know how difficult it was to conceal an erection sometimes.

I had to learn the hard way.

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I saw this gorgeous Thai lady with spectacular boobs get on the train and sit opposite me. I thought to myself 'Don't get an erection!'

But she did.

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My gf asked me if she could snort a line of cocaine on my erect dick,

I got so weirded out by this demand of hers that I had to dickline it.

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What is the name of Trump's new Viagra product?

'RIGGED ERECTION!!!'

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[NSFW] Silently I slipped the condom over my erect

dick and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...

Then breaking the silence I spoke ...

"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please .....

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Hospital humour

A doctor was doing his rounds on the ward and came across a male patient masturbating. He said to the Nurse in charge, surely you shouldn’t be allowing this to happen on the ward, it’s most inappropriate. The nurse replied, he has HSC (high sperm count), he has to do this daily to bring the count do...

How to define an erection

Different times, different measures

I got a massive erection while I was giving the eulogy at my mom's funeral.

I had real bad mourning wood.

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What is the similarity between erect dicks and math problems

They are long and hard

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

A Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an Erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.

The Doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.

He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.

Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.

He then ...

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A man is told by his doctor that he'll never again have a erection.

"It's a very unique case of erectile dysfunction" the doctor says.

"There is only only way to possibly cure it, but the procedure is very risky and unorthodox. You see, I can graft tissue from an elephant's truck into your penis, which could allow you to achieve an erection."

The man,...

I made an appointment with my doctor because I couldn’t get an erection.

But I later had to cancel because something came up.

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

What does a carpenter use to make a casket when someone dies with an erection

Mourning wood

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I had an unremarkable erection today.

It was an OK boner.

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

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At the asylum

A Dr. Is doing the rounds in an insane asylum one night.

He walks into the first patient's room and sees him playing with modeling clay.
The Dr. asks him how he's doing.
The patient replies "Doc I'm molding with clay. It's therapy. I feel much better!"
The Dr. says "Good. You should...

My evening wouldn’t normally start out with an erection...

..but my morning wood.

Erections are so sneaky

They happen right under your nose

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How do you call the condition when a crocodile is unable to get an erect penis?

Ereptile dysfunction.

My wife says she’s going to divorce me because I always get erections at inappropriate times

It won’t stand up in court

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There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

To solve world hunger we need to eat the rich and erect a giant statue of Bernie Sanders. Why do we need the statue?

Well, I’m glad that the first step didn’t raise any questions.

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Dont get an erection Henry

A doctor was doing a prostate exam to a patient

D: If you get an erection is completely normal Henry but try not to

P: but doc, my name is Matt and I am not gay

D: oh I know that, Im Henry and I am gay

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I saw a dead man with a noose around his neck with his penis fully erect.

Needless to say, he was hung.

A man was hospitalized for a permanent erection

The positive side is now he’s up for anything

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Doctor, I have a sexual problem.

‟Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, ‟I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.

”Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.‟

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. ”Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett,‟ the medic s...

The most embarrassing erection I ever got was during a prostate exam.

Of course then he realised I wasn’t a real doctor.

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3 nurses walk into a patient's bedroom only to find him dead.

The first nurse goes to check on him and notices that he had a massive erection so she tells the other nurses to give him a good send off by have sex with him. The first nurse does it and stops after getting tired. The second does the same and stops to share with the third nurse. The third nurse was...

What do truck drivers do when they get too old to have an erection?

Get a new Peterbilt

Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates

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Lionel Messi hooks up with a girl at the bar..

They both get naked

Girl: \*Runs away\* and shouts OMG your penis says AIDS

Messi: Come closer and read it again(now fully erect) its ADIDAS

What's the worst place to get an erection?

In your ear.

Man blind from birth hears about a new surgery to restore his sight

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.

"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."

"Is that a c...

I found an aircraft graveyard...

I decided to lay claim to it, and turn it into a sovereign country. I planted a flag, erected border passages, etc.

I got ousted by local government though, when they asked me what I was doing. They demanded an ex-plane-nation...

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What is the difference between an erection and an election?

An erection is what a man needs to achieve first to fuck his partner.


An election is what a politician needs to achieve first to fuck his people.

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A young man has sex for the first time

The young man was very nervous about having sex with his girlfriend for the very first time, because he was convinced that his penis would be too small.

Eventually he realized that he could not postpone it forever and he nervously invited her over to his house..

Hesitatingly he starte...

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Three nurses at a morgue find a dead man with...

**Disclaimer: I’m sorry**

Three nurses working at a morgue find a dead man with an erection.

The first nurse says, “Well, I can’t let that go to waste,” and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse nervously explains that she has her period but then ride...

What do Pokemon trainers take when they can't get an erection?

PP UP

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One day the pope wakes up with an erection

Damnit, must have been a side effect from the Holy Viagra. It won't go away, but he has a parade to go to that morning! So he steps onto his Holy Balcony, slips out of his Holy Pyjamas, and does what most people do when they have an erection they want to get rid of.

That's masturbate, by the ...

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What do you call an erection that plays brass?

A tromboner!

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First post here so idk if it’s already been done. What kind of erection does a musician get?

A tromboner

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