I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

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Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

What do you call an erection after death?

Die Hard.

My girlfriend’s grandma passed away and she needed comfort, so she hugged me. But then i got an erection.

“Babe? Wtf?”

“Sorry babe, its just mourning wood”

What do you call getting an erection at a funeral?

Mourning Wood!

,, Don't feel embarassed Sir, erection is common during a prostate exam"

,, But doctor, I don't have an erection! "

,, I know, but I do"

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

Had a fight with an erection this morning

I beat it single handedly.

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

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A woman told her husband to go to the doctor because he couldn't get an erection.

He came home with a bottle of pills.

His wife asked, "So, did he give you Viagra or Cialis?"
The husband replied, "Neither, he gave me really strong diet pills."
His wife responded, "That's weird, why would you have to take diet pills?"

Handing her the bottle, the man say...

I’ve been trying to come up with a joke about erections

But it’s too hard.

I strongly dislike trying to pee with an erection.

It's really hard.

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What's the difference between an erection and an election?

One involves only one dick, and the other involves many.

I get erections at funerals. "Mourning wood," if you will.

It's hard to come up with an original erection joke. The competition is stiff.

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An elephant is standing on a street corner with an erection.

His thing is HUGE, hangs all the way to the ground.

At that moment a mother is taking her son to school and the son looks at the elephant and says "Mommy what is that?"

Mom: "Oh that's the trunk honey"
Kid: "No mom, further back between the legs"
Mom: "Oh that? That's n...

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

What goes in erect, hard and dry. And comes out wet and flaccid ?

Spaghetti in the boiling pan !

Put these letters together to form a word. P N E I S Clue: a body part that is very important when erect.

The answer is spine.

I thought getting an erection during a prostate exam was inappropriate, but my Doctor told me it happens all the time, just ignore it.

I tried to but he kept rubbing it against my hip.

Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?

Old hobbits die hard.

My doctor said it's normal to get an erection during a prostate exam

But I would still prefer it if he didn't whip it out in the middle of our appointment.

My wife suggested I get an erection enhancer .

So I did.

Her name is Tamy, shes a 21 yr old dancer

Apparently they’re going to erect a statue in memory of Dame Vera Lynn ...

Don’t know where, don’t know when

If you lost your erection every time a game developer got accused of workplace harassment

Ubisoft

What company doesn't like people who get erections often?

Ubisoft

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According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

Once a hobbit gets to around 125 years old, they are very likely to die. And a little known fact is that, when they do, they are generally found to have a raging, post-mortem erection!

That's right, old hobbits die hard.

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

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What does Japanese people do when they have erection?

They vote.

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Have you guys heard about the man who’s penis is so big, he passes out from blood loss when he becomes erect?

I heard he’s a hard sleeper.

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For a wedding gift a guy decides to tattoo his wife's name on his penis.

When erect it proudly reads "Wendy" on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows "Wy". While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a "Wy" on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy. The guy re...

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[nsfw] so apparently adult male whales have a 10 foot long penis when fully erect

The only thing i dont get is how rebel wilson fits it in her pants

What do Asians do during erections?

They vote

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A group of protesters have been using catapults to launch cow dung at recently erected wind turbines

They've missed every shot so far, but I have a feeling that if they manage to topple one it will be big news, and we'll all remember this day, saying,

"Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

The 4 hour erection...

I went to a chemist store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. 

The woman I spoke to said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. 

She asked if she could help me.

I said that I really would have preferred to spea...

It's pretty rough on an old man when his semi-annual erection ....

deteriorates into an annual semi-erection.

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection....

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

What do you call an erect square?

An e-rectangle

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Doctor, I have a sexual problem.

‟Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, ‟I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.

”Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.‟

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. ”Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett,‟ the medic s...

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(A character in a dream told me this joke) This dude calls his vet and says "My dog ate one of my Viagra and has had an erection for more than four hours, what should I do?"

The vet replied, "Did you try to manually induce ejaculation?"

The guy goes, "Yeah I tried but I couldn't get hard because my dog ate my last pill!"

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A young man has sex for the first time

The young man was very nervous about having sex with his girlfriend for the very first time, because he was convinced that his penis would be too small.

Eventually he realized that he could not postpone it forever and he nervously invited her over to his house..

Hesitatingly he starte...

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A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection.

After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment co...

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Lionel Messi hooks up with a girl at the bar..

They both get naked

Girl: \*Runs away\* and shouts OMG your penis says AIDS

Messi: Come closer and read it again(now fully erect) its ADIDAS

When I was a kid I didn't know how difficult it was to conceal an erection sometimes.

I had to learn the hard way.

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Three nurses at a morgue find a dead man with...

**Disclaimer: I’m sorry**

Three nurses working at a morgue find a dead man with an erection.

The first nurse says, “Well, I can’t let that go to waste,” and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse nervously explains that she has her period but then ride...

How to define an erection

Different times, different measures

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Went for a testicle check up last week. The little tai nurse cupped my balls and said 'dont worry, it's normal to get an erection during this procedure'

I said 'i haven't got an erection'

She said 'no, but I have'

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I've never seen this here, and it's long and gross.

There's a farmer, who is having a hard time getting his cows to mate. Specifically, the bull doesn't seem like he can ever get into the mood. He's tried everything he can think of, but this bull just won't do it.

So he gives up on his own wisdom, and consults a cow expert. He approaches the e...

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I saw this gorgeous Thai lady with spectacular boobs get on the train and sit opposite me. I thought to myself 'Don't get an erection!'

But she did.

I got a massive erection while I was giving the eulogy at my mom's funeral.

I had real bad mourning wood.

What happens when an Asian guy with an erection runs into a wall?

He hurts his nose.

The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing erection.

I just wish it had been mine.

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My gf asked me if she could snort a line of cocaine on my erect dick,

I got so weirded out by this demand of hers that I had to dickline it.

Do you know why persident Trump is a fan of Pfizer?

He can't read well enough to differentiate between election and erection, and thinks if he just buys enough blue pills, the erectoral college will stand up for him

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What does Melania call it when Donald takes Viagra?

A rigged erection.

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Two men lost in a desert island...

The first: "I've had it! I'm so angry, I can't take it anymore. It's decided, I'm gonna eat a body part. I'm gonna cut and eat my penis!"

The second:" C'mon man! Don't do it! Just imagine if some women with big boobs and big butts got lost to this island too...

The first: "Man... Jus...

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3 nurses walk into a patient's bedroom only to find him dead.

The first nurse goes to check on him and notices that he had a massive erection so she tells the other nurses to give him a good send off by have sex with him. The first nurse does it and stops after getting tired. The second does the same and stops to share with the third nurse. The third nurse was...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump sues male enhancement company viagra

Trump claims he received a rigged erection

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[NSFW] Silently I slipped the condom over my erect

dick and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...

Then breaking the silence I spoke ...

"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please .....

A Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an Erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.

The Doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.

He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.

Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.

He then ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is told by his doctor that he'll never again have a erection.

"It's a very unique case of erectile dysfunction" the doctor says.

"There is only only way to possibly cure it, but the procedure is very risky and unorthodox. You see, I can graft tissue from an elephant's truck into your penis, which could allow you to achieve an erection."

The man,...

I made an appointment with my doctor because I couldn’t get an erection.

But I later had to cancel because something came up.

What does a carpenter use to make a casket when someone dies with an erection

Mourning wood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had an unremarkable erection today.

It was an OK boner.

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A man goes to a urologist...

...and says he has a problem with his penis.

"OK, well, can you urinate, can you get an erection?"
"Sure, no problem."
"Ermm, well how about your sex life, can you describe it to me?"
"Well, I wake up and have sex with my wife. Then I make some coffee and vreakfast, and when she co...

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A young woman is ready for her first mission in the US Navy.

She sits down across the Lieutenant's desk, ready to be assigned. "You will be serving on the USS Trojan," the Lieutenant says, "A state-of-the-art Submarine erected in 2003, and has never been in the water."

"Never been in the water? Even after 17 years?" She asks, the Lieutenant nods.
...

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What is the similarity between erect dicks and math problems

They are long and hard

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A white guy and a black guy are taking a shower.

The black guy sees the white guy’s willy has the letters “Wy” on the side.

“Can I just ask you,” the black guy says, “why do you have “Wy” on the side of your willy?”

“Well,” says the white guy, “when it’s erect, it spells “Wendy”, my girlfriend’s name. Your willy also has “Wy” on it. ...

Erections are so sneaky

They happen right under your nose

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Always make sure that your viagra is made in the U.S

We don’t want other countries meddling with our erections.

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A celebate man was about to get married...

He had been "saving himself" for marriage, and had never watched pornography or had any remotely sexual encounters. He was incredibly nervous about being able to perform on his wedding night, and went to his best man to talk about it.

His best man tried to give him a pep talk, but ultimately...

My evening wouldn’t normally start out with an erection...

..but my morning wood.

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Man goes to a doctor...

A husband is convinced by his wife to go to the doctor after he starts having performance issues in the bedroom. The wife drops the husband off at the doctor's office since they were informed that the tests would take awhile to receive back the results. After the battery of questions and tests, th...

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Dont get an erection Henry

A doctor was doing a prostate exam to a patient

D: If you get an erection is completely normal Henry but try not to

P: but doc, my name is Matt and I am not gay

D: oh I know that, Im Henry and I am gay

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Corrective Surgery



When Ralph first noticed his penis was growing longer and staying erect longer he was delighted, as was his wife. After several weeks his penis had grown to sixteen inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing and a lot of trouble walking. So he and his wife went t...

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What happened after the candidate took Viagra?

He awaited the erection results.

My wife says she’s going to divorce me because I always get erections at inappropriate times

It won’t stand up in court

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How do you call the condition when a crocodile is unable to get an erect penis?

Ereptile dysfunction.

Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

Thai Girl

Last summer, I was sitting next to this hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection”… But she did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman are getting intimate for the first time

(NSFW) after some fooling around she pulls down his pants. To her surprise he is fully erect but only 3 inches long. She says to him "when we first met you said you had a big dick" "No..." he says as he reaches into his pocket. He takes a lighter out and puts it next to his penis. "I said I had a BI...

The most embarrassing erection I ever got was during a prostate exam.

Of course then he realised I wasn’t a real doctor.

A man was hospitalized for a permanent erection

The positive side is now he’s up for anything

To solve world hunger we need to eat the rich and erect a giant statue of Bernie Sanders. Why do we need the statue?

Well, I’m glad that the first step didn’t raise any questions.

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A young man is buying condoms at a confidence store but doesn’t know how to put them in right.

He goes to the person behind the desk to ask for help when he notices that she is a beautiful blond young woman.
He asks her how to put them on so she takes them out of the box and puts one over her thumb.
“Do you get it?” she asks him, but he doesn’t understand.
So she takes him into a b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a dead man with a noose around his neck with his penis fully erect.

Needless to say, he was hung.

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A man was on a ship that sunk, and after floating for days he washed up on a deserted island....

He was stranded for many years on this island, but fortunately food was easy to come by. Fruits and vegetables grew abundantly all over the island, and the fish were so easy to catch it was almost like they *wanted* to be caught. Unfortunately, this meant that he had hours and hours of free time th...

Rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part that is most useful when erect...

...Those who answered 'spine' will be doctors someday. The rest of us will be posting jokes on Reddit.

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm
and I'll...

What do truck drivers do when they get too old to have an erection?

Get a new Peterbilt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The inventor of the anagram has died.

May he erect a penis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fat Joe is having trouble losing weight and he hears about a new extreme workout.

He goes to the place and the man in charge leads him to a large circular room in which is a naked, beautiful woman with sign on her that reads "If you catch me, you can fuck me."

After many long tries, he eventually loses weight, catches her, and gets to enjoy a bit of the old in-out, in-out....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an erection that plays brass?

A tromboner!

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The farmer and his bull

A farmer calls a veterinarian to come inspect his bull, who didn't seem interested in the cows. The vet rubs his hand across one of the cow's vaginas, rubs it on the bull's nose, and the bull begins to screw the cow. The farmer was impressed with this and decided to try it out later that night with...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and ent...

What's the worst place to get an erection?

In your ear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First post here so idk if it’s already been done. What kind of erection does a musician get?

A tromboner

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between an erection and an election?

An erection is what a man needs to achieve first to fuck his partner.


An election is what a politician needs to achieve first to fuck his people.

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."


The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."


Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."


The fourth insurance company re...

What do you name a horse that never loses an erection?

"Horneigh"

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