My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

A piece of string walks into a bar

and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approac...

Police are asking for help in solving a recent string of burglaries. The perpetrator, apparently suffering from IBS, does #2 on the kitchen floor before escaping.

So far they have no firm leads.

Host: Which string instruments are commonly used in Latin music?

Guest: Violins?

Host: "Violins" is not the answer.

A string walks into a bar.

The bartender goes, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here." The string walks out all sad and defeated, then has a great idea. He ties himself in a bow, cuts off his ends to look all pretty, and struts back into the bar.

The bartender looks at him and goes, "Hey, aren't you that string I turned ...

If you are a serious tennis player, you should string your own equipment

Anything off the shelf is a racket

My tennis coach got really upset at me for how I was re-stringing the equipment. He said...

"STOP MAKING SUCH A RACKET!!"

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It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a cocktail

The bartender spends a minute measuring and pouring ingredients, and when he’s done he takes a spoon out of his shirt pocket, stirs the drink, and hands it to the guy.

The guy takes a sip and then asks the bartender: “do you always carry a spoon in your shirt pocket?”

The bartender rep...

A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'.

Which is not so bad until you read it out loud.

A piece of string walks into a bar...

The string gets sloppy drunk, barfs all over the bar, so the bar tender kicks him out. "You're banned!"

The next night, the string wants to get back in, so he ties a not near one end and frazzles up the fibers sticking out, then walks into the bar.

The bartender yells "Aren't you that ...

What's the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?

A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a trip to the USA.

Why do relationships between string instruments never work out?

They always result in domestic violins.

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TIL the company Tampax donates their slightly defective tampons to women's prisons

No strings attached

What do you call a guy sitting by the river with his pole and some string?

Fishing Rod

What do you call a guy sitting in the closest with his pole and some string?

Auto-e-Rod-ic Asphyxiation

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My stomach gets upset if you feed me strings.

I shit you knot.

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A spoon and a string

A man was eating in a restaurant and notice every waiter has a spoon in their pocket. The man asks one waiter and he says

We have it because there is a study that 7 out of 10 times it's the spoon that falls to the floor.

After the waiter says that a spoon falls to the floor and they ...

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Why do tampons have that little string on them?

So you can floss when you're done eating.

A Piece Of String Walks Into A Bar...

He quickly notices a sign that says, "No String Allowed, We do not serve pieces of String."

Before anyone notices, he rushes to the bathroom and hides in a stall.

He messes himself up, makes himself look rough and tattered. Then he contorts his body into a twisted and uncomfortable pos...

Cakeday favorite string of jokes. How many tickles does it take to tickle a squid?

Tentacles.
How do you check that? Test tickles!
What did the octopus think? You gotta be squidding me!

A piece of string goes in a bar...

A piece of string goes in a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says "Get out of here, we don't serve string here."

The string comes back later and the same bartender off working there and kicks him out.

The piece of string unravels his ends and loops around and throug...

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I hate it when the string falls in my tea.

Like, great, now how do I get the tampon out without burning my fingers?

A magician performs magic tricks on the Titanic before it sinks.

In the crowd there is a parrot that somehow always knows whats going on.
He pulls a string of hankerchiefs out of his sleeve: "AWCK, he pulls it from his inner pocket!"
He pulls a rabbit out of a hat: "AWCK, A false bottom!"
He saws a girl in half: "AWCK, there are two girls!"
<...

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

Why are guys always looking at girl guitar players?

They're checking out their G-Strings

Robin Hood's last words

As Robin Hood lie dying, his loved ones and merry men, not so merry now, gathered round. With faltering, hesitant breathes, he calls for his bow and an arrow.

"This bow," he says, "has saved my life, kept me fed, brought peace to our land. I will fire it one last time and beg only that I be b...

My dog ate a string of Christmas lights.

The vet was able to remove them.
He said the dog was delighted.

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My girlfriend came home from work and asked me to take all her clothes off!!

I gently but seductively started with her top, mini skirt, bra then her g-string.

She moans and yells at me "Don't wear my fucking clothes again!"

A piece of string walks up to the entrance of a night club.

As he approaches the front of the line, the bouncer crosses his path and says to him “sorry mate, are you a piece of string?”

The piece of string says “yes, is that a problem?”

The bouncer replies “yeah, sorry but I can’t let pieces of string in, it’s policy.”

The string walks ...

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A woman and her annoying nephew entered a lawn bowling contest.

The sun was out, the grounds had been immaculately prepared and every retiree within city limits had turned out for the event. Pearl had to admit that she was feeling better about the day now that it had finally arrived.

A few weeks ago when her delinquent of a sister had foisted her awful...

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

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Why do tampons have strings?

Because crabs like to bungee jump

Why wouldn't the string go into the eye of the needle?

It was afreyed.

Used guitar for sale!

No strings attached.

How do you describe an ambidextrous Greek string musician experiencing legular combustion?

Lyre, lyre, pants on fire

I asked my sister why she had all those strings tied to her fingers.

She didn't remember.

If Trump is Putin's puppet why can't you see the strings?

Because he is a sock puppet.

News just in.

Apparently Harry Kane has visited Christian Eriksen in hospital.

"He's just managing to string some words together now,

so he's making good progress" said Erikson.






Good luck on a speedy recovery Christian.

I decided to put a bunch of 1 dollar bis around a string then wore it like a belt.

My mother called it a waist of money

An American hiker walks to the edge of a Himalayan cliff, determined to end it all.

As he stares down at the rocks below, he notices movement out of the corner of his eye. He glances over to see a Buddhist monk standing between two trees, beckoning him over.

With nothing to lose, the man shuffles over to the monk, who is holding a string of prayer flags. "You trying to talk...

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Probably a repost, however: Yesterday I ate two peices of string and they came out tied.

I shit you knot!

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A judge challenges the local doctor to tell him whether there people are mad or not.

The three people enter the doctor's chamber and take their seats.

The flustered doctor decides to ask them the same question.

Doctor:- 1 bag has 3 balls. How many balls are there in 3 bags?

Man 1:- Is the ball black? Is the bag red? Is the bag tied with a string? When we imagine...

An Irish man goes fishing

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?"
“Fishing” replied the ol...

A man is walking down the street with a length of string trailing behind him ...

Why are you pulling that string along ? asked a nosey cop. The mans answer? “You try pushing it”!

Police suspect that a recent string of burglaries have been committed by a person obviously suffering from severe IBS. The culprit has left their "calling card" at each house they've broken into.

Unfortunately, the police have no firm leads.

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If I swallow two pieces of string, they will come out the other end tied together.

I shit you knot.

Three Strings Walk Into a Bar

They all get a table and one of the strings says he’ll buy them drinks.

He goes up to the bar and says “Three beers please.” The bartender looks at him and says “Sorry, we don’t serve strings here.” The string says “What? You’re joking. No strings?” The bartender says “That’s right. Sorry”. T...

3 strings walk into a bar and sit down at a booth.

The first string goes up to the bar and asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender says “We don’t serve strings here, you should leave.”

The string goes back to his buddies and tells them the bad news. The second string is furious, and approaches the bar, and demands 3 beers with his money...

An Integer walks to a String and asks for its number

String replies, "Sorry, you're not my type."

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

How can you tell when the barmaid is not happy with you?

There is a string hanging out of your bloody mary.

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.



A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.



She say...

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Tampax have announced they will be removing the string from the tampon and replacing it with tinsel!

This will be for the Christmas period only

My girlfriend told me she prefers No Strings Attached.

And then the removed my parachute midair b

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments

She had a history of violins

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A little boy wanders into a construction site next to his house.

A few hours later, he comes home and quickly finds his dad.

"Dad guess what. The guys at the construction site showed me how to build a house."

The dad excited, asked his son to show him what he learned. The son gets a roll of string, hands one end to his dad, runs to the other sid...

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Wife sent me to the store to buy tampons.

As I'm standing there confused, a worker approached me and asked, "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Yeah. What are these tampons made out? They are so expensive."


"Well basically just cotton, string, and cardboard." replies the employee.

After thinking for a minute...

My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments.

Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends.
I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins

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A guy walks into a bar

He has his dog with him. It's an ugly little yellow dog. He sits down at the bar next to a Marine.

The Marine has his dog with him. It's a German Shepherd, and it bristles at the ugly little yellow dog.

The Marine says "Son, you need to get your ugly little yellow dog out of here, or m...

My brother did one like that after a long string of pirate jokes.

"What's a pirate's favourite crime?"

"Arrrrson," I said, chuckling at my cleverness.

"You idiot," he replied, "it's obviously Piracy."

Even a Jedi gets the 'force in brain' when using the 'force in strings'.

I think the word is Tension.

String prejudice

Three strings are walking down the street and pass a bar that has a sign that says "No Strings Allowed! "

The first string says this is BS and walks into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "you're a String" and throws him out.

This makes the second string mad AF, so he g...

Three pieces of strings walk into a bar

One string walks toward the bartender and asks for three drinks, for himself & his friends. The bartender says they don’t serve strings and refuses their order. The second string does the same thing, and also get turned down similarly.

The third string thinks for a while, and ties himsel...

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 steaks hanging from strings behind the bar....

So the guy ask the bartender “What’s up with those pieces of meat hanging up behind the bar?” The bartender replies “ Well if you can jump off the bar and bite into one of them your drinks are free all night! But if you miss you must buy the whole bar a round of drinks.” The guy thinks about it fo...

Two strings walk into a bar.

The bartender yells " Get out we don't serve strings" and has the bouncer throw them out.
The first string is dejected and sadly heads home.

The second string stands up, dusts himself off and decides he is gonna try again. He bends over backwards turns to the side and pushes his head and ...

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String to the penis

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches long.

Later...

I made a dating app for marionettes, and it failed.

Everyone wanted No Strings Attached dating.

Why is knotted string formal?

It wears a tie.

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A string walks into a bar...

A string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender rudely replies "Get out! We don't serve you strings here!" So naturally the string gets very pissed off and storms out of the bar. He grabs a pair of scissors and cuts a bit off the top of his head, grabs a lighter and melts...

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A banker a biker and a lawyer walk into a bar....

They're all buddies who coincidentally have the same wedding anniversary. So they all grab a drink and discuss what they got their wives as wedding anniversary gifts. Banker takes a sip of his scotch and says for our anniversary I got her a string of the finest pearls and a brand new Mercedes so if ...

I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.

It's Tangled and Frozen.

OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach.

An X-ray showed it’s knot.

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Why do tampons have strings?

Because crabs like to bungee jump too.


Told this to my friend's dad.His answer:So you can floss when you're done eating.

I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.

Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.

What type of joke strings you along?

A really cheesy one.

My boss is refusing to let my string quartet play for a coworker's birthday party next week.

He says he has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to workplace violins.

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A young boy walks into a Brothel dragging a dead frog on a string behind him...

He approaches the Madam of the Brothel and promptly asks for a girl. The woman looks him over and says "I can't do that for a boy of your age". The boy drops a wad of cash in front of her and repeats his request. The madam ponders, and then tells him "alright, first door on the left". Before the boy...

My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn’t want her daddy’s help sorting it out.

Good thing I’m learning violin too and could help.

A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.

He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another stri...

Two strings walk into a bar...

...the bartender says, "What'll it be?". The first string says, "I'll have a gin and tonic#MV*()>SDk+!^ &@P&]JEA&#65535;Segmentation Fault".

The second string says, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."

A piece of string walks into a bar and sits next to the bartender. He asks for a drink, but the bartender says apologetically, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

Confused, the string leaves and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting at a different end of the bar. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,"Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."

Dejected, the string l...

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A curious gentleman came over and asked what he was doing. "Fishing", the old man said simply. "Poor old fool", the gentleman thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

He felt he ...

Why couldn’t the strings ever win?

They could only tie

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A man was eating at a restaurant ...

When he noticed all the servers had spoons in their pocket.

Curious, he asked his server “why do all of you carry spoons?”

“Oh that’s interesting,” replied the server. “Our manager attended a seminar and found out the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. This way we are alway...

People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

I Recently Married A Stringed Instrument

Her Name Is Amanda-Lynn

I'm giving away my old marionette for free

No strings attached

A piece of string walks into a bar...

The bartender, pointing to the sign behind him says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here." So the string walks outside, where a man is smoking a cigarette.

The string asks him, "Hey buddy, do you mind helping me out by tying me in a knot and fraying my ends a bit?" The man, a bit ...

A string walks into a bar...

(New Redditor here.)

A string walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here."

"Huh?" asks the string.

"I said we don't serve strings in here."

The string turns around and heads back outside. Thinking quickly, he ties himself in a knot, roughs...

String theory might be the answer to everything...

...but then again, it might knot.

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A man buys a heavily discounted parrot from a pet store. As he's walking down the street, the parrot squawks obscenities at passersby.

Eventually, the man runs into the priest of his church.

"Good afternoon my son," said the priest. "And who might your feathered friend be?"

"FUCK YOU!" squawks the parrot.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I fully intend to break him of this obscene habit. I'll even teach him...

I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

Difficult questions

A son asks his dad "Daddy, what is string theory?"

The dad replied "Why are you asking me such difficult questions, come on ask me something easier"

The son then asks "Um ok so why does mommy get mad sometimes?"

"String theory is a theoretical framework in which the point-like p...

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(OC) A Russian sailor was constipated.

He said to the cook, “I like the cooking but I can’t use the washroom.” The cook said to the sailor “oh you don’t know the rope trick? All the sailors do it.” The sailor asked about the trick and the cook replied “just tie up the string and swallow it and you’ll be fine by tomorrow.”

The next...

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Which is the sexiest guitar string?

The G string.

What's the real reason Prince Harry loves America?

When he goes to a strip bar, he doesn't have to tuck a picture of his grandmother in the girl's G-strings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do tampons have strings?

So vampires don't burn their fingers while making tea.

A piece of string walk into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'

The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he s...

Two medieval stringed instrumentals meet each other for the first time.

One asks the other, “what type of instrument are you? I’ve never seen one like you before?” The other replies “I’m a lute, lots of strings, fat and folded at the end that’s me. What about yourself, I haven’t seen an instrument like you before either?” The one replies “Oh, I’m a harp.” The other inst...

What do you call a prejudiced 4 stringed guitar player?

A racist bassist

I made an abacus by threading string through polo mints....

....it has improved my menthol arithmetic

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a friends house last night for a roast dinner .. whilst eating I noticed my friend forgot to take the string off and I accidentally ate a couple of pieces .. the funny thing is, when I went to the toilet this morning they came out tied together ..

I shit you knot

What do you call a 26-mile long G-string?

A marathong

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