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String Jokes

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Tampax have announced they will be removing the string from their tampons

and replacing it with tinsel, this is for the Christmas period only.

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String to the penis

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches long.

Later...

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

Three pieces of string walk into a bar.

String 1 asks for a drink for himself and one for each of his friends.

The barman says, ‘We don’t serve pieces of string here.’

So, string 1 goes back to his friends and says, ‘They don’t serve strings here’.

Then string 2 tries but gets the same result.

So string 3 gets...

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

Three strings walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "NO STRINGS ALLOWED!"

They got kicked out. One string gets an idea and ties himself into a knot. He walks back into the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, "Ok." And comes back with a beer. "Wait, are you a string?"

The string got kicked out.

...

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

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Why do tampons have strings?

So the crabs can bungee jump.

You know what they say about string theory?

"It's a theory about strings, but there's not enough evidence to tie the theory down."

Today I popped a G string while fingering a minor.

I'm going to the violin repair shop tomorrow.

Why can't you trust strings

They make up everything!

A man is pulling a line of string along a sidewalk

A woman asks him as he walks near, "Excuse me, why are you pulling that string along?"

The man replies, "Have you ever tried to push a string?"

String Fight

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

A string walks into a bar

A string walks into a bar and says "bartender, I would like a sasparilla" The bartender looks at him and says "we dont serve your kind around here, take a hike" So the string walks out of the bar hanging his head. After he's out he looks into a water trough and sees his reflection. He gets so mad he...

There has been a string of unsolved futon robberies in my town recently.

Police think the criminals…are currently laying low.

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A string of jokes I heard a while ago

How do you get four elephants in a mini cooper?

Two in the front, two in the back.


How do you get four giraffes in a mini cooper?

You can't because of all the elephants.


How do you get two whales in a mini cooper?

Same way you get to Wales in any other car,...

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A young boy walks into a Brothel dragging a dead frog on a string behind him...

He approaches the Madam of the Brothel and promptly asks for a girl. The woman looks him over and says "I can't do that for a boy of your age". The boy drops a wad of cash in front of her and repeats his request. The madam ponders, and then tells him "alright, first door on the left". Before the boy...

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As a kid, i once swallowed two strings…

They both came out together, i shit you knot.

A piece of string was walking down the street…

It was hot and he saw a bar. He walked into the bar and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender looked at him and said, I do not serve string in here. The piece of string left dejected.

The next day the same piece of string on the same street with the same sort of hot sunny day was st...

A piece of string walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and asks the barkeep, "I'd like a drink, please." The bartender looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve string here. You need to go." The string reluctantly says "Okay..." and leaves.

Outside, the string gets the idea to tie himself up and try again.

He...

A piece of string walks into a bar ...

Bartender says "We don't serve your kind in here!".
The string walks back out dejected. Then he gets an idea. He rubs his head on the bricks on the front of the bar outside. Satisfied with the results, he goes back into the same bar. "Hey!" the bartender yells. "We don't serve string in here! Are...

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I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

Sorry To String You All Along But...

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "Nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

Three strings want to go into a bar But there is a sign on the door that says, “No strings allowed.”

The first string says, “I got this.” He walks into the bar, jumps up on a stool and says, “I’ll take a beer.”

The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you a string? Get out of my bar!”

So the string goes back out side.

The second string says, “Don’t worry I got this.” He walks into t...

I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

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So my girlfriend and I were out to dinner...

..and she just reaches over and takes some of my food!
So I ask her, "can you tie 2 strings together?"

*What?*

"I'm asking, can you tie 2 pieces of string together?"

*I don't understand*

"Oh I'm sorry, what I'm asking is: can you fucking knot?"

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

Steve's Place.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...

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Why is there a string at the end of a tampon?

To floss with when you are done eating

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls a...

My dog ate a string of Christmas lights.

The vet was able to remove them.
He said the dog was delighted.

My brother did one like that after a long string of pirate jokes.

"What's a pirate's favourite crime?"

"Arrrrson," I said, chuckling at my cleverness.

"You idiot," he replied, "it's obviously Piracy."

I used to play violin in a string quartet. Sadly one of our musicians was on drugs.

So we've had to ban Jo.

String prejudice

Three strings are walking down the street and pass a bar that has a sign that says "No Strings Allowed! "

The first string says this is BS and walks into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "you're a String" and throws him out.

This makes the second string mad AF, so he g...

Two strings walk into a bar, bartender says “Hey we don’t server your kind here, get out.” Outside one of the strings says “ I have an idea, here help me”

the string proceeds to tie himself up and then dishevels the threads at the top of his head and at his feet. The string then walks back into the bar and orders a drink, bartender looks and says “hey aren’t you that string I just threw out?”

String says “ No , I am a frayed knot!”

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Why do tampons have strings?

In case you need to floss after eating.

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Man walks into a bar with an octopus

He says "I bet anyone $50 they can't bring me a musical instrument this octopus can't play."

People in the bar look around, talk amongst themselves, and someone brings up an acoustic guitar. The octopus looks at the guitar, tests the strings, tunes it, and begins playing a country song.
...

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Why do tampons have strings?

So vampires don't burn their fingers while making tea.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a cocktail

The bartender spends a minute measuring and pouring ingredients, and when he’s done he takes a spoon out of his shirt pocket, stirs the drink, and hands it to the guy.

The guy takes a sip and then asks the bartender: “do you always carry a spoon in your shirt pocket?”

The bartender rep...

If you are a serious tennis player, you should string your own equipment

Anything off the shelf is a racket

A string walks into a bar

The bartender says, “we don’t serve strings!” The string says, “cmon man I’ve had a rough day can I just get a drink and lay low?” The bartender says, “no way!” And the string leaves the bar.

The next day the string comes back to the bar. The bartender yells at him, “get the hell out of my ba...

3 pieces of string walk up to a bar

3 pieces of string walk up to a bar. The first piece of string says I am going to get a drink. He walks up to the bartender and says " Bartender give me a drink!" The bartender replies, "Are you a piece of string?" and the string replies, "Yes I am!" The bartender says "Get outta here, we don't ser...

A Piece Of String Walks Into A Bar...

He quickly notices a sign that says, "No String Allowed, We do not serve pieces of String."

Before anyone notices, he rushes to the bathroom and hides in a stall.

He messes himself up, makes himself look rough and tattered. Then he contorts his body into a twisted and uncomfortable pos...

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A spoon and a string

A man was eating in a restaurant and notice every waiter has a spoon in their pocket. The man asks one waiter and he says

We have it because there is a study that 7 out of 10 times it's the spoon that falls to the floor.

After the waiter says that a spoon falls to the floor and they ...

A piece of string walks into a bar...

The string gets sloppy drunk, barfs all over the bar, so the bar tender kicks him out. "You're banned!"

The next night, the string wants to get back in, so he ties a not near one end and frazzles up the fibers sticking out, then walks into the bar.

The bartender yells "Aren't you that ...

Why do relationships between string instruments never work out?

They always result in domestic violins.

What's the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?

A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a trip to the USA.

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The spoon

Customer at restaurant drops a spoon. Waiter nearby immediately replaces the dropped spoon with a clean one from his breast pocket. Next time the customer sees him, the waiter has a new spoon in his breast pocket so the customer asks about the spoon.


“The owners hired a consultant some t...

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

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Which is the sexiest guitar string?

The G string.

String of Cheese Jokes

Hear about the French cheese factory that exploded the other day? DeBrie everywhere.

They think it might be an insurance scam by the owner though he's a bit mental, painted his wife the other day! He Double Gloucester.

He even tried to start up a new business making clothes out of chee...

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Why do tampons have strings?

Because crabs like to bungee jump too.


Told this to my friend's dad.His answer:So you can floss when you're done eating.

String theory might be the answer to everything...

...but then again, it might knot.

My local news station had a story about a string of killings at churches in Massachusetts.

"Mass mass mass murders." they said.

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I hate it when the string falls in my tea.

Like, great, now how do I get the tampon out without burning my fingers?

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A cowboy walks into the bar, only to find it's empty.

Only the bartended, polishing a glass, is behind the bar.

"Where's everyone at?" Asks the cowpoke.

"At the hangin'." Bartender says.

"Hangin'?!" The cowboy asks. "Hadn't heard. Who are they stringing up?"

"The Brown Paper Kid."

"The Brown Paper Kid?"

"That...

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My stomach gets upset if you feed me strings.

I shit you knot.

Why wouldn't the string go into the eye of the needle?

It was afreyed.

I Recently Married A Stringed Instrument

Her Name Is Amanda-Lynn

Host: Which string instruments are commonly used in Latin music?

Guest: Violins?

Host: "Violins" is not the answer.

Why is knotted string formal?

It wears a tie.

Three Strings Walk Into a Bar

They all get a table and one of the strings says he’ll buy them drinks.

He goes up to the bar and says “Three beers please.” The bartender looks at him and says “Sorry, we don’t serve strings here.” The string says “What? You’re joking. No strings?” The bartender says “That’s right. Sorry”. T...

Two strings walk into a bar.

The bartender yells " Get out we don't serve strings" and has the bouncer throw them out.
The first string is dejected and sadly heads home.

The second string stands up, dusts himself off and decides he is gonna try again. He bends over backwards turns to the side and pushes his head and ...

Three pieces of string enter a bar...

The first string approaches the counter and says, "Beer, please." The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here, get out." The second string goes up to the bartender and says, "Bloody Mary, please." The bartender says, "Didn't you hear what I told your friend? We don't serve strings here. Get out...

A string walks into a bar

A string walks into a bar, approaches the bartender and says, “Excuse me sir, I’d like a beer.”

The bartender says gruffly, “We don’t serve strings here,” and kicks the string out.

The string goes home and thinks, “What I need is a disguise.” So he twists himself around and around, tea...

A piece of string walks up to the entrance of a night club.

As he approaches the front of the line, the bouncer crosses his path and says to him “sorry mate, are you a piece of string?”

The piece of string says “yes, is that a problem?”

The bouncer replies “yeah, sorry but I can’t let pieces of string in, it’s policy.”

The string walks ...

A piece of string walks into a bar and sits next to the bartender. He asks for a drink, but the bartender says apologetically, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

Confused, the string leaves and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting at a different end of the bar. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,"Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."

Dejected, the string l...

Two strings walk into a bar...

...the bartender says, "What'll it be?". The first string says, "I'll have a gin and tonic#MV*()>SDk+!^ &@P&]JEASegmentation Fault".

The second string says, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."

A string walks into a bar..

The string takes a seat at the bar and ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies, "We don't serve to strings in this bar, you'll have to see yourself out."
The string, feeling dejected, walks out and stumbles upon two rugged strings in an alley. The shady looking thugs stop the st...

Police want to interview a man suspected for a string of robberies wearing stockings and suspenders.

However, the Chief Constable has insisted they wear their normal uniform.

My girlfriend told me she prefers No Strings Attached.

And then the removed my parachute midair b

3 strings walk into a bar and sit down at a booth.

The first string goes up to the bar and asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender says “We don’t serve strings here, you should leave.”

The string goes back to his buddies and tells them the bad news. The second string is furious, and approaches the bar, and demands 3 beers with his money...

A piece of string walk into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'

The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he s...

A string walks into a bar

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender glares at him and rudely tells him,
"Get to going strang! We don't serve your kind 'round here!"

The string gets up and leaves, but makes his way into an alley. He loops his body around and tugs his body together, and then he mus...

We don't serve string.

Two pieces of string, walking down the street on a hot summer's day. They walk past a bar, one string says to the other, "Hey let's duck into this bar real quick, get a cold beer" ... They go in, sit down, the bar tender walks over, drying off a glass with a towel, "Sorry fellas, we don't serve stri...

If Trump is Putin's puppet why can't you see the strings?

Because he is a sock puppet.

Why couldn’t the strings ever win?

They could only tie

What type of joke strings you along?

A really cheesy one.

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There was a string of murders recently in Madrid

Every week, on a Sunday, a body of a prostitute would be found disemboweled in an alley way. After a few weeks, the local investigators determined it was indeed a serial murder. Further investigation showed that each murder occurred exactly a kilometer away from a seedy inn, known for having an abra...

Three pieces of strings walk into a bar

One string walks toward the bartender and asks for three drinks, for himself & his friends. The bartender says they don’t serve strings and refuses their order. The second string does the same thing, and also get turned down similarly.

The third string thinks for a while, and ties himsel...

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A woman enters a pet shop to buy a talking parrot.

She immediatly sees a colourful parrot with two strings attached on its legs. She asks the shopkeeper about this one, and he says:

\- It's because this particular parrot can speak 3 languages.
\- Oh great, but what are these strings for?
\- Let me show you.

He pulls the left ...

A piece of string walks into a bar...

And the bartender kicks him out while yelling "I don't serve your kind in here, string!" The string really wanted a drink though, so he bent over and rubbed his head on the ground for a bit. Then he ties himself in a bow and walks back inside. The bartender sees him and immediately starts yelling "A...

A piece of string breaks out of prison.

Just one mile out from crossing state lines, the piece of string sees a checkpoint up ahead.

Frantic and worried that he will be recognized, the bit of string hatches an idea for a disguise.

He starts by rolling around on the ground, to the point he becomes dirty and tattered.
Ne...

My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments.

Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends.
I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins

Cakeday favorite string of jokes. How many tickles does it take to tickle a squid?

Tentacles.
How do you check that? Test tickles!
What did the octopus think? You gotta be squidding me!

Irish fisherman

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor...

I made an abacus by threading string through polo mints....

....it has improved my menthol arithmetic

What do you call a 26-mile long G-string?

A marathong

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

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