My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

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I have the unique ability to eat two pieces of string and poop them out tied together...

I shit you knot

My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments.

Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends.
I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins

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Why do tampons have strings?

Because crabs like to bungee jump too.


Told this to my friend's dad.His answer:So you can floss when you're done eating.

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Tampax have announced they will be removing the string from the tampon and replacing it with tinsel!

This will be for the Christmas period only

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Why do tampons have that piece of string attached to the end of them?

So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.

A string walks into a bar

He orders a drink, but the bartender shakes his head. "We don't serve strings!"

Disappointed, the string walks outside. He twists, spins, and wraps himself into a mess. He drags himself up and down the sidewalk.

Looking rough, he walks back in the bar. Before he can even sit down, the ...

Two strings walk into a bar.

The bartender yells " Get out we don't serve strings" and has the bouncer throw them out.
The first string is dejected and sadly heads home.

The second string stands up, dusts himself off and decides he is gonna try again. He bends over backwards turns to the side and pushes his head and ...

My boss is refusing to let my string quartet play for a coworker's birthday party next week.

He says he has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to workplace violins.

Why don’t strings ever win a race against each other?

They always tie.

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I swallowed 3 whole balls of string:

I shit you knot:

A string walks into a bar

Bartender: we don't serve your kind here.

The string then walks out of the bar twist himself up and parts his hair then returns.

Bartender: aren't you the same guy from a minute ago?

String: I'm a frayed knot.

The dentist says my teeth are like a string of pearls

each one has a hole through it!

OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach.

An X-ray showed it’s knot.

A piece of string walks into a bar...

The bartender, pointing to the sign behind him says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here." So the string walks outside, where a man is smoking a cigarette.

The string asks him, "Hey buddy, do you mind helping me out by tying me in a knot and fraying my ends a bit?" The man, a bit ...

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 steaks hanging from strings behind the bar....

So the guy ask the bartender “What’s up with those pieces of meat hanging up behind the bar?” The bartender replies “ Well if you can jump off the bar and bite into one of them your drinks are free all night! But if you miss you must buy the whole bar a round of drinks.” The guy thinks about it fo...

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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Af...

Two strings walk into a bar...

...the bartender says, "What'll it be?". The first string says, "I'll have a gin and tonic#MV*()>SDk+!^ &@P&]JEASegmentation Fault".

The second string says, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."

A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.

He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another stri...

I made an abacus by threading string through polo mints....

....it has improved my menthol arithmetic

What do G-Strings and barbed wire have in common?

They both protect the property without disrupting the view.

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

I Recently Married A Stringed Instrument

Her Name Is Amanda-Lynn

How the Canadians prepare their army

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and...

I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.

It's Tangled and Frozen.

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

Broken YoYos for sale

No strings attached!!

A piece of string walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender says ‘sorry but we don’t serve string here’
The piece of string, feeling dejected goes outside, ties himself into a knot and rubs himself up and down on a wooden light post.
He walks back inside and again asks for a drink. The bartender looks him up and down and says ‘Are you a...

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I went to a friends house last night for a roast dinner .. whilst eating I noticed my friend forgot to take the string off and I accidentally ate a couple of pieces .. the funny thing is, when I went to the toilet this morning they came out tied together ..

I shit you knot

A piece of string walk into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'

The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he s...

My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn’t want her daddy’s help sorting it out.

Good thing I’m learning violin too and could help.

My brother did one like that after a long string of pirate jokes.

"What's a pirate's favourite crime?"

"Arrrrson," I said, chuckling at my cleverness.

"You idiot," he replied, "it's obviously Piracy."

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

So I walks into a guitar shop having a clearance sale

I was fretting when I saw most of the stock had sold out. Luckily the owner pulled some strings for me!

My friend: I am the best at tying strings together.

Me: Know your knot!

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Did you know Tampax gives away slightly defective tampons for free?

No strings attached.

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A man and his wife go on a date to a new restaurant...

They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day. When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor. "Whoops" he says and turns to the waiter "I'm terribly sorry but could I have another..." the waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top ...

String theory might be the answer to everything...

...but then again, it might knot.

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Nobody believed me when I said I can tie two strings together inside my intestines, but

I shit you knot!

A string walks into a bar

A string walks into a bar, approaches the bartender and says, “Excuse me sir, I’d like a beer.”

The bartender says gruffly, “We don’t serve strings here,” and kicks the string out.

The string goes home and thinks, “What I need is a disguise.” So he twists himself around and around, tea...

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Which is the sexiest guitar string?

The G string.

I was talking to a woman at a bar, and she said air on a g-string gave her goosebumps.

It was 10 minutes before I realized she was talking about the musical piece by Bach.

Three pieces of string walked into a bar.

The first one goes to the barman and asks for a drink for himself and one for each of his friends. The barman says, 'We don't serve pieces of string here.' So. It goes back to its friends and says, 'They don't serve strings here' And it's a joke, so the middle one does it too, then the last one, but...

What's yellow and can be found on the ground?

A yellow string on the ground.
.
What's black and can be found on the ground?
.

It's not a black string you dumbass, it's the shadow of the first strings.

Why did the guitar teacher go to jail?

He broke the G string and fingered A Minor

A thirsty piece of string walks into a bar...

And he orders a drink. The bartender asks “Are you string? We don’t serve your kind here.”

Defeated the string walks outside only to be hit by a bus and dragged down the street and a rough trip around the block.

Beaten, frazzled, and nearly torn in twain the string walks back into the ...

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A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professio...

A string is walking home from work one Friday evening after a long week at work.

And so the string decides that he shall stop at his favorite Pub and treat himself to a pint before going home to the wife. But after a decent walk he arrives at the pub to find a new sign on the door that reads " No Strings Allowed".

The string becomes infuriated. "How dare they" he thinks t...

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

I broke a G string fingering A minor...

Does anybody know a good guitar repair shop?

A piece of string walks into a bar and sits next to the bartender. He asks for a drink, but the bartender says apologetically, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

Confused, the string leaves and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting at a different end of the bar. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,"Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."

Dejected, the string l...

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

A piece of string breaks out of prison.

Just one mile out from crossing state lines, the piece of string sees a checkpoint up ahead.

Frantic and worried that he will be recognized, the bit of string hatches an idea for a disguise.

He starts by rolling around on the ground, to the point he becomes dirty and tattered.
Ne...

Two medieval stringed instrumentals meet each other for the first time.

One asks the other, “what type of instrument are you? I’ve never seen one like you before?” The other replies “I’m a lute, lots of strings, fat and folded at the end that’s me. What about yourself, I haven’t seen an instrument like you before either?” The one replies “Oh, I’m a harp.” The other inst...

This guy at the beach offered me a free kite. I turned him down. You know why?

He said the deal was no strings attached.

A string walks into a bar...

(New Redditor here.)

A string walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here."

"Huh?" asks the string.

"I said we don't serve strings in here."

The string turns around and heads back outside. Thinking quickly, he ties himself in a knot, roughs...

What do you call a prejudiced 4 stringed guitar player?

A racist bassist

Rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub...

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.


A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.


'Fishing,' the old man said simply.


'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ...

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Thought this one was odd enough to share

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as...

A string walks into a bar..

The string takes a seat at the bar and ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies, "We don't serve to strings in this bar, you'll have to see yourself out."
The string, feeling dejected, walks out and stumbles upon two rugged strings in an alley. The shady looking thugs stop the st...

"Tell me what you want," I whispered to her as I put my fingers on her c string. She moaned,

"I want my viola back"




Then you wake up, because no self respecting person would ever want a viola.

What do you call a 26-mile long G-string?

A marathong

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An elderly religious woman receives an 80 year old parrot as a gift but it has the worst language.

It goes through every possible cuss word every day and night. She talks to a friend that tells her about a bird whisperer. She meets with him and he tells her to leave the parrot with him for one week.
When he brings the bird back she notices a string tied to each leg and asks about them. The ma...

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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.

As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an effici...

What do Aussie bass strings say?

G'DAE!

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A little boy goes walking by the old man’s house...(NSFW)

...carrying a roll of duct tape. The old man hollers from his porch, “Hey, young man! Where you walking to with that duct tape?” The boy responds, “I’m gonna catch me some ducks!” The old man laughs and yells back, “Boy, don’t you know you can’t catch ducks with duct tape?” The little boy just smil...

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A young boy walks into a Brothel dragging a dead frog on a string behind him...

He approaches the Madam of the Brothel and promptly asks for a girl. The woman looks him over and says "I can't do that for a boy of your age". The boy drops a wad of cash in front of her and repeats his request. The madam ponders, and then tells him "alright, first door on the left". Before the boy...

What happened to the male stripper who was also a guitarist?

He snapped his G String

String of Cheese Jokes

Hear about the French cheese factory that exploded the other day? DeBrie everywhere.

They think it might be an insurance scam by the owner though he's a bit mental, painted his wife the other day! He Double Gloucester.

He even tried to start up a new business making clothes out of chee...

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I thought I'd make a really cool belt by stringing together all of my wristwatches...

But it was a waist of time.

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Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk rock band. Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!

They begin tuning and setting ...

What is a Guitarist's Favorite Snack?

String cheese.

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

A group of strings go on a night out

They walk up the the first bar and ask for a pint of guinness and 2 carlsbergs. The barman asks "are you a piece of string?" The string says yes. The barman tells the string "we dont serve string here". So the group walk away in a huff. The second string walks up to another bar and asks for the same...

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A guest dining in a classy restaurant drops his spoon before finishing his soup. (Nsfw)

Before he could reach down to pick it up, a server was already standing next to him holding a replacement.
"Wow! That was tremendously fast. The service here is impeccable. How did you do that?."
"Well, all of the servers here have an extra piece of cutlery on their tray at all times just...

I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

A man walks in to a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but a pair of string y fronts.

The psychiatrists looks the man up and down and says "Well i can clearly see your nuts"

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Did you hear about the football team that wants to change their name to the "Tampons"?

Because they are only good for one period and have no second string.

A string theorist cheats on his wife, but she walks in on them

He jumps out of the bed and shouts "I can explain everything!"

A magician is doing well with his shows on a cruise ship until the Captain buys a parrot as the ships mascot.

From then on every night the magician does any of his tricks the parrot squawks out "He's got a card up his sleeve" or "he had the dove in his pocket" or "there were two pieces of string". Every night the parrot ruins his shows. One night the ship collides with something and all the alarms go off. L...

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

Free broken puppet! No hidden fees, free shipping, free returns. There's...

no strings attached.

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