My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

A string goes into a bar.

The bartender goes we don't serve your kind.

So the string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and goes back to the bar.

"Aren't you the same guy from just a minute ago?", the bartender asks.

" I'm a frayed knot", says the piece of string.

A piece of string walks into a bar...

And the bartender said “sorry, we don’t serve your kind”.
The piece of string walked outside, twisted himself up, and parted his hair. He went back in and the bartender said “aren’t you the same guy from before?”
“I’m a frayed knot”, said the piece of string.

Then the bartender hung him...

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 steaks hanging from strings behind the bar....

So the guy ask the bartender “What’s up with those pieces of meat hanging up behind the bar?” The bartender replies “ Well if you can jump off the bar and bite into one of them your drinks are free all night! But if you miss you must buy the whole bar a round of drinks.” The guy thinks about it fo...

Two strings walk into a bar...

...the bartender says, "What'll it be?". The first string says, "I'll have a gin and tonic#MV*()>SDk+!^ &@P&]JEASegmentation Fault".

The second string says, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."

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My dog is so clever, he can swallow a whole ball of string.

I shit you knot.

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I went to a friends house last night for a roast dinner .. whilst eating I noticed my friend forgot to take the string off and I accidentally ate a couple of pieces .. the funny thing is, when I went to the toilet this morning they came out tied together ..

I shit you knot

A piece of string walks slowly into a bar and walks up to the counter..

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string in here, you are going to have to leave”

The piece of string walks out the door in a huff. He is so angry that he ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The barten...

A piece of string walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender says ‘sorry but we don’t serve string here’
The piece of string, feeling dejected goes outside, ties himself into a knot and rubs himself up and down on a wooden light post.
He walks back inside and again asks for a drink. The bartender looks him up and down and says ‘Are you a...

A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.

He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another stri...

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I can do a magic trick by eating these 2 pieces of string.

I shit you knot.

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

A piece of string walk into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'

The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he s...

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A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string

And he walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and sa...

I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.

It's Tangled and Frozen.

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Nobody believed me when I said I can tie two strings together inside my intestines, but

I shit you knot!

What do G-Strings and barbed wire have in common?

They both protect the property without disrupting the view.

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Yesterday I ate two pieces of string. Today they came out tied together.

I shit you knot.

Tampax has announced they will replace the traditional tampon string with tinsel.

This will be for the Christmas period only.

Did you hear Donald Trump is outlawing string cheese?

Yeah, I guess he wants to make America grate again.

My friend: I am the best at tying strings together.

Me: Know your knot!

I was talking to a woman at a bar, and she said air on a g-string gave her goosebumps.

It was 10 minutes before I realized she was talking about the musical piece by Bach.

A string walks into a bar

A string walks into a bar, approaches the bartender and says, “Excuse me sir, I’d like a beer.”

The bartender says gruffly, “We don’t serve strings here,” and kicks the string out.

The string goes home and thinks, “What I need is a disguise.” So he twists himself around and around, tea...

A string is walking home from work one Friday evening after a long week at work.

And so the string decides that he shall stop at his favorite Pub and treat himself to a pint before going home to the wife. But after a decent walk he arrives at the pub to find a new sign on the door that reads " No Strings Allowed".

The string becomes infuriated. "How dare they" he thinks t...

My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn’t want her daddy’s help sorting it out.

Good thing I’m learning violin too and could help.

A thirsty piece of string walks into a bar...

And he orders a drink. The bartender asks “Are you string? We don’t serve your kind here.”

Defeated the string walks outside only to be hit by a bus and dragged down the street and a rough trip around the block.

Beaten, frazzled, and nearly torn in twain the string walks back into the ...

A piece of string breaks out of prison.

Just one mile out from crossing state lines, the piece of string sees a checkpoint up ahead.

Frantic and worried that he will be recognized, the bit of string hatches an idea for a disguise.

He starts by rolling around on the ground, to the point he becomes dirty and tattered.
Ne...

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Which is the sexiest guitar string?

The G string.

My brother did one like that after a long string of pirate jokes.

"What's a pirate's favourite crime?"

"Arrrrson," I said, chuckling at my cleverness.

"You idiot," he replied, "it's obviously Piracy."

String theory might be the answer to everything...

...but then again, it might knot.

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I accidentally swallowed a string and when it came back out the other end, it was tied in a perfect little bow.

I shit you knot

Three pieces of string walked into a bar.

The first one goes to the barman and asks for a drink for himself and one for each of his friends. The barman says, 'We don't serve pieces of string here.' So. It goes back to its friends and says, 'They don't serve strings here' And it's a joke, so the middle one does it too, then the last one, but...

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls a...

I broke a G string fingering A minor...

Does anybody know a good guitar repair shop?

I have an evil masterplan.

I'm going to drill a huge hole through the Moon and thread a massive piece of string through it.


Then I will finally be able to conker the World

A string walks into a bar...

And asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender replys,
“Sorry, we don’t serve strings here”
The string then leaves the bar

Another string walks into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender now a little annoyed says,
“Hey I don’t serve string here, please leave”
The string l...

What do you call a 26-mile long G-string?

A marathong

A piece of string walks into a bar and sits next to the bartender. He asks for a drink, but the bartender says apologetically, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

Confused, the string leaves and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting at a different end of the bar. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,"Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."

Dejected, the string l...

Three strings were walking down the street looking for a good time.

They come upon a bar and figure they'd go in for a drink. The first one stops & points out a sign to the others "No Strings Allowed". Well, the first one, not wanting to be discriminated against says "Screw this, I'm going in." As he enters the bar, the bartender shouts "HEY STRING, get out! no ...

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

A string walks into a bar..

The string takes a seat at the bar and ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies, "We don't serve to strings in this bar, you'll have to see yourself out."
The string, feeling dejected, walks out and stumbles upon two rugged strings in an alley. The shady looking thugs stop the st...

A string walks into a bar...

(New Redditor here.)

A string walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here."

"Huh?" asks the string.

"I said we don't serve strings in here."

The string turns around and heads back outside. Thinking quickly, he ties himself in a knot, roughs...

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I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars.

She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.

What do Aussie bass strings say?

G'DAE!

String Fight

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

(NSFW) Why do tampons have strings?

So you can floss after you get done eating.

Why do strings never win?

Because they only tie.

A group of strings go on a night out

They walk up the the first bar and ask for a pint of guinness and 2 carlsbergs. The barman asks "are you a piece of string?" The string says yes. The barman tells the string "we dont serve string here". So the group walk away in a huff. The second string walks up to another bar and asks for the same...

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

A man walks in to a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but a pair of string y fronts.

The psychiatrists looks the man up and down and says "Well i can clearly see your nuts"

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Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk rock band. Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!

They begin tuning and setting ...

String of Cheese Jokes

Hear about the French cheese factory that exploded the other day? DeBrie everywhere.

They think it might be an insurance scam by the owner though he's a bit mental, painted his wife the other day! He Double Gloucester.

He even tried to start up a new business making clothes out of chee...

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Dead Frog on a String/ My favorite joke ever

One day, a 12 year old boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string. He stomps up to the counter and says to the madam, "I wanna woman."
"I'm sorry," she says, "but we don't let boys your age have a woman." The little boy slams a hundred dollar bill down on the counter and says, "...

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A young boy walks into a Brothel dragging a dead frog on a string behind him...

He approaches the Madam of the Brothel and promptly asks for a girl. The woman looks him over and says "I can't do that for a boy of your age". The boy drops a wad of cash in front of her and repeats his request. The madam ponders, and then tells him "alright, first door on the left". Before the boy...

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String to the penis

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches long.

Later...

I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

A piece of string walks into a bar...(my favorite, wholesome joke)

...and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind around here.", so the string hangs his head and leaves. The next day he tries again, getting the same treatment. Now, Mr. String is getting pretty thirsty so tries again the next day. The bartender, getting upset, says to the stri...

A guitar player was panicking because he couldn't play his open strings

His instructor told him don't fret

A man walked past a floating string...

*m* - "Where did you learn to do that?"

*s* - "I'm self-taut!"

A seamstress accidentally pulls a string and unravels her life's work...

Oops, wrong thread.

Why do tampons have strings?

So vampires don't burn their fingers while making tea.

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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table…

As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.

A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.

The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever ...

A man is pulling a line of string along a sidewalk

A woman asks him as he walks near, "Excuse me, why are you pulling that string along?"

The man replies, "Have you ever tried to push a string?"

Breaking News: NFL responds to lost revenue from kneeling controversy

Breaking News: The NFL announced today that because of lost revenue due to kneeling, an NFL Team had to be cut. Tampa Bay and the Green Bay Packers will be combining forming the Tampacks. They will be good for only one period and will have no second string...

What's got two thumbs and can't figure out the difference between a string and an array?

[
0 => "T"
1 => "h"
2 => "i"
3 => "s"
4 => " "
5 => "g"
6 => "u"
7 => "y"
8 => "!"
]

A piece of string walks into a bar

The bartender yells, "Get out, we do not serve string in here!" About an hour later the string walks back in but he is all twisted, dirty, with his ends torn up. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you the string I threw out of here?" The string replies, "No I'm afraid not."

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There was a string of murders recently in Madrid

Every week, on a Sunday, a body of a prostitute would be found disemboweled in an alley way. After a few weeks, the local investigators determined it was indeed a serial murder. Further investigation showed that each murder occurred exactly a kilometer away from a seedy inn, known for having an abra...

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[Long] Dead frog on a string.

A boy walks into a brothel pulling a dead frog on a string. He walks up to the Madam, lays some money on the counter and says "Miss, I want the dirtiest, most disease-ridden whore you have here." She replies: "First off, we don't do that kind of thing around here, secondly you are way too you...

A piece of string walks into a bar...

And the bartender kicks him out while yelling "I don't serve your kind in here, string!" The string really wanted a drink though, so he bent over and rubbed his head on the ground for a bit. Then he ties himself in a bow and walks back inside. The bartender sees him and immediately starts yelling "A...

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