A ciclist who just started a farming business needs to harvest his crops, what does he do?

He buys sickles

A rancher turned weed farmer lost half a million dollar worth of his Marijuana crop to cattle.

The rancher had tried a novel idea of planting Marijuana in the grazing range as cows normally don't eat Marijuana. Unfortunately for him the cows developed a special predilection for the supposedly weed plant. The rancher is devastated but he was well aware that the steaks were high.

What does Farmer Travis Scott do when his crops are ready?

He goes Sickle Mode

What did farmer say when his entire crop died suddenly.

What a surprising turnip event.

*This is my first attempt at writing a joke, and my wife thinks it's awful.

A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear...

Ahh Migraines!

Last time I was in jail I felt like a crop field in 1860

Cause I was being plowed by black guys all day long

As a farmer, when i first met my wife, she was not impressed when i didn't partake in planting the seeds of next years crop.

I told her: "That's not my responsibility on this farm.



I'm a grower, not a sower."

Pumpkins are the most beautiful crop.

They're absolutely gourd-geous.

How do you harvest crops in the winter?

With an ice sickle

Boll weevils are detrimental to cotton crops. If you had to have boll weevils on your farm, which do you want, a big weevil or a little weevil?

The little weevil, because you always want the *lesser of two weevils.*



My botany professor just told us this.

What pollinated most of the world's crops and doesn't take any of the credit?

A humblebee

The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his marijuana crop.

The steaks were high.

Scientists are making a big show about this new crop of Okra they engineered to not give you gas...

It's called Okra Windfrey.

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What do you call it when someone assumes what the staple crop of Japan is?

Ricist

What makes crop circles?

A protractor.

I put all of my crops and produce in wheelchairs...

That way all of my vegetables feel special.

An increasing number of farmers are losing their crops due to drought

It's a growing problem.

What unit of measurement did the ancient greeks use to measure their crops?

Demeter.

Crop tops are very efficient.

They don't let anything go to waist.

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

Why did the man who stole my crops take aspirin?

Because he had my grains

A farmer planted a crop of puns

They were home groan.

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

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A farmers daughter wants to have a sleepover with three of her guy friends(NSFW)

The farmer agrees but when the friends get there he sits them down and tells them "ok I'll let you sleep at my house, but if you sleep with my daughter I will kill you" And he leaves them for the night.

The following morning he wakes up early to tend to his crops and finds them already awake...

I work on a lettuce farm in Arizona...

Last week an FDA team showed up and shut us down on the back of reports that our produce was making people sick. After weeks of exhaustive investigation they found that the fence around our farm perimeter contained extremely toxic amounts of the chemical element Rhenium, and as the fenceposts aged t...

Read about that farmer who lost a whole load of crops when crossing the river.

Turns out his boat was full of leeks.

A couple go to the new farmers' market just outside of town

They walk past the various stands selling fresh produce, looking for things to take back home. They see gigantic, ripe watermelons on one table. Another holds plump, vibrant tomatoes. A dazzling array of berries fills baskets on another.

Finally, they see a table at the end of the market, whe...

QUITTING COFFEE

I'm trying to quit because I found out they're using caffeine as an insecticide now. They're spraying it over the crops in Texas to kill the bugs. I said, 'I'm putting that in my body every day?' Just to prove I'm wrong, the other night in my apartment, I took a cup of coffee, poured it all along th...

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

A Tv-crew is sent to interview a farmer before the election.

"Could you please share with our viewers, how has the past year been for you?"

"Well, you know I can't complain. I had a very good harvest of wheat, so my family definitely won't go hungry. My vegetable patches brought in amazing organic crops, I was able to sell those at a good profit. And ...

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Next Years Peanuts

Two old farmers are sitting in a cafe, bullshittin’ and jawin’ on about business and such.

Times had been hard, as of late. Rain had been scarce, crops were poor and the local crop of choice, peanuts, had really suffered.

As such, the local bank had declared, at the beginning of the s...

Yo mama so fat...

she doesn’t have corn rows, she has crop circles.

Got a good handjob in a vegetative state.

Cream of the crop.

So Thanos is a farmer now...

He must be really into crop dusting

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A priest decides to do some community work.

After considering where he should travel to do this work, he decides to travel to the Nigerian desert and assist the farmers working there.

After several weeks providing physical labour to the farmers he asks if there is a more effective way to help them. The farmer replied to him "Father, it...

The Wong Brothers

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic co...

Tomato

Not sure if this translates well from my Albanian origins

So their was a farmer woman and she is tending her crops and notices her tomatoes are brown and rotten. She looks over to her neighbors and they were bright red and juicy.

So one day she sees her neighbor and asks him.

“H...

Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world ...

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

Two farmers meet at their fence line.

They start arguing about who is the better farmer as they compare crops. They wave down a passerby and ask, "sir, who do you think is a better farmer?" They looks at them and says, "It's hard to say, you're both outstanding in your fields."

Hotel in Moscow

As a young man, Nickolai joined in the Bolshevik Revolution and was decorated for his role, and was invited to Moscow for the celebration, and put up in a big hotel there.
He had grown up in a remote village where there was no plumbing and knew nothing of toilets, so when he felt the call of natu...

Spelling bee

A Nebraska Huskers fan was in the finals of the state spelling bee.


"Okay, your word is 'farm,'" the moderator said to the Husker.


He sat there for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. "Um... Can I have a definition?"


"Sure," the moderator said. "It is a...

During a drought, a farmer remembers hearing about a native tribe who's rain dance is said to work every time...

so the next day he gets in his pickup and heads out to visit the tribes chief.

When he gets there he asks if the tribe would be able to preform a rain dance for him.

"Yes, we can call the spirits of water with our dance, but first I must gather the tribe, and my son is two states away ...

Two Boll Weavels

There were once two brothers that happened to be boll weavels. They lived in Nashville, TN and both loved country music. One brother desired more than just to destroy crops and listen to the radio, so he learned to play guitar. He got so good, he became a successful country music star. Fame and fort...

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Israeli Hell

A person dies and is judged for his sins.

“Well,” says the angel, “Sorry, dude, but you are going to hell. But as a bonus for not being a complete putz, you are granted the choice to which hell to go. Your options are: the Soviet hell, the Nazi hell or the Israeli hell.”

The sinner thi...

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A young man is walking through a small village one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer.

He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old man, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, "Hey old timer, why the long face?"


The old man looks at him and points out the window, "See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, na...

A king outlawed hunting in his kingdom

Pretty soon, deer and elk populations were out of control, eating the commoners' crops and becoming a general nuisance. The people revolted and overthrew the king, thus making it the first time in history a reign had been called on account of game.

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Two men are walking down a country road.

They come upon a farmhouse. Exhausted from their journey, they decide to seek food and lodgings. They knock on the door and are greeted with a smile.

"Might we trouble you for a meal and a place to sleep?" they ask.

"Sure!" the farmer responds, "But you'll have to harvest one hundred o...

A farmer is having a bad harvesting season.

Nothing grew. He's trying to think about how to break the news to his wife and kids. They'll lose the house. They could starve. They spent so many hours tilling the fields and breaking their backs and they have nothing to show for it. He thinks of all the hours of his children's youth that he stole ...

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This hot weather...

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the crop tops and short skirts...

Although it does make me look a bit gay.

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Uncle Jack

You are a farmer. Your father owns the farm. You live with your father Jim, your mother Ruth, your uncle Jack, and your brother Michael. Your father is in charge of the farm, so he takes care of all of the animals, the crops, and manual labor. Your mother cooks and cleans. Your brother is too young ...

Farmer meets with Banker annually

The Farmer has to meet with the banker, talk about the crops for the year, talk about grain prices, and try to forecast the year's output to plan out expenses for the year.

When the banker arrives at the farm he notices a very tame and friendly pig, running around as if nothing's wrong, had ...

White Elephant

An old farmer is tending his crop one day when he spies a white elephant trampling the edge of his field. He knows that there are four different types of elephants in his area: red elephants, blue elephants, purple elephants, and white elephants.

To kill a blue elephant you use a blue elep...

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3 guys are driving across the country

Their car breaks down just down the road from a farm. The guys decide to walk over to the farm to see if there is anyone who can help. A nice middle aged man greets them at the porch, offers them a tow with the tractor and takes a look at the car.

" Now I reckon it will be a while before thi...

A man is on the the phone with a bartender.

He says to the bartender "Is there a young, blonde lady there?"

The bartender responds "There are dozens, sir. Be more specific."

"She's wearing a plaid crop top, ripped short jean shorts, boots, pigtails and a cowboy hat."

The bartender replies "yeah, she's here, what of it?"<...

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An Englishman, Irishman and an Iraqi were in a desert..

An Englishman, and Irishman and Iraqi were all in the desert when a genie appeared and said he'll grant each a wish. The Irishman went first and asked the genie if he would make the land in Ireland forever fertile so the crops could flourish, and there would never be famine. With a flash the wish wa...

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A man goes to a bar. [NSFW] [Long]

At the other end of the bar her notices a lady sitting by herself looking fairly bummed out. After a couple drinks he musters the courage to go down and introduces himself. Says "I couldn't help but notice that you look kind of sad, is everything okay?" She tells him that her husband left her and is...

The Carpenter

There once was a man named Poly Van Echt. he worked as a carpenter in the Middle Ages. He spent years honing his craft, working under many master builders until he one day rose to prominence and became the official carpenter to the kingdom. The king came to him during a particularly rainy season, a...

TIL of an odd political problem in Colorado.

Cattle has long been the number one agricultural product of Colorado, but the recent legalization of marijuana is causing significant and unforeseen problems.

Apparently, cows love marijuana as much as people, and cattle ranches and nearby marijuana farms are on the brink of open warfare. Co...

A Taxing Poem

"Taxpayer's Lament"

Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;

Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;

Tax his chew, Tax his smoke
Teach him taxing is no joke.

Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.

Ta...

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The farmer's chicken

A farmer returns home late from working all day on his crops, and chicken coops. He loudly walks up his stairs, chicken in his arm.

He slams open his bedroom door and sees a suprised look on his wife's face.

"This is the cow that I fuck when you aren't around!" exclaimed the farmer....

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A farmer had a duck

A farmer had a prize winning duck at his farm but the crop this year had gone bad so he told his 20 year old son to go sell the duck for money in town. When he goes into town a prostitute says "for £50 You can do whatever you want to me for
An hour" the farmers son says "all i have is a prize win...

So an animal testing lab accidentally let one of its rabbits out.

The bunny hopped along till it found a wild rabbit. It asked the wild bunny "Can you help me? I don't know what bunnies do!" The wild rabbit said, "Let's go eat some crops!" So they go to a farmer's field and chow down.

As they are sitting there the lab rabbit says, "What do we do now?" The w...

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[NSFW] Glitter

A White guy, a brown guy, and a black guy go on a road trip. Along the way to their destination, they have engine issues and the car breaks down. Nearest service station is over 50 miles away, fortunately for them, there is a house farm nearby.They get to the door and knock.

An old, bitter l...

A man breaks down in an old country town...

A travelling man breaks down in an old country town...
He goes into the service station asking if they can fix his car. Turns out they have the part he needs and the repairs will take about an hour. He heads out the front where two old men are on their rocking chairs, staring out towards the cr...

A Native American asks his medicine man...

"Why am I named 'Cloud of Love'?"

The medicine man replies, "To prevent drought, I cast a spell on the day you were born."

"How does the spell work?" Asks Cloud.

"Every time you see a squaw you have bedded, the heavens will rain on our crops. So go forth and woo the squaws. Le...

Optimist Joe

An optimist by every account, Joe was sitting in the bar when his friends come to him and say, "Joe, how can you call yourself an optimist when bad things are always happening ?" To which Joe replied, "there's always a good side to every situation, you just have to know it."

So, they tell Joe...

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A woman is sitting in a bar, drinking and depressed...

A man walks in and sits next to her. He, too, is drinking and depressed. After a time, the man asks the woman, "What are you so depressed about?"
She says, "My husband left me because he thought I was too kinky."
He says, "Really? My wife left me because she
thought I was too kinky!"...

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Rooty the Rooster [NSFW]

Farmer John found himself in a bit of a rut. His crops weren't yelding like they use to, cattle prices had hit an all time low, and he was really strapped for cash. After discussing it with Mrs. Farmer John, they decided to salvage what they had, sell the farm, and move to greener pastures. He kisse...

A. D. E. A. Agent shows up looking for plants.

Agent : we have evidence that Marijuana crops may have been planted on your property. May I have a look around?

Farmer : sure, just stay off the back 40 acres.

Agent : slightly perturbed, holds up his badge. "You see this badge? It means I can go anywhere I please.

Farmer : y...

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A father takes his son on a tour of his home town....

He takes his son to the town square and he says "see these beautiful buildings and shops? Me and my buddies built them with our own bare hands. And no one calls me a carpenter or an architect...."

Then he takes him to the local creek.

"See this creek and the irrigation system in it? Me...

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A tourist walks into a bar in Scotland

He sits down and orders a beer and starts talking with a rather sad looking Scotsman sitting next to him, named Duncan.

"Look around the bar," he says, "I built this bar with my own hands. It took me three whole years to build this bar, I poured my sweat into it , but does anyone call me Dunc...

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So I was in a bar...

Guy says to me...

"I used to own this place. I built it up from nothing. But do they call me John the Bar Owner?

No.


I owned the biggest farm in the county for years. I looked after animals and crops. But do they call me John the Farmer?

No.

I ran for Congress...

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