I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

Installing mufflers isn’t an easy job.

It’s exhausting.

I was disappointed I had to pay for my satellite installation

the guy had promised me it would be on the house

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walmart installed a medical kiosk

For $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog cr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the prison guards decided to install computers in the local prison, what was the first procedure taken?

Removing the ‘escape’ button.

An AT&T installer asked me for the time.

I told him it was some time between 8am and noon.

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Had a plumber install a toilet for me and he was a really nice guy

I feel terrible knowing I’m shitting all over his hard work.

How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?

You tell him Barack Obama installed it.

My wife is the least technical person in the world, so when she told me she had finished installing Java, I was astounded.

Until she held up her empty coffee cup.

Why didn't the scientist install a door bell at his home?

Because he wanted a Nobel prize.

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three.

And promptly received a one-world answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, "Yes, what?"

Instantly the machine replied "Yes, sir!"

Since I've installed Adblock Plus

All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, wh...

I bought my wife a stripper pole for our anniversary and installed it in our bedroom.

Whenever I ask her if she likes it, she just dances around the subject.

After double doors had to be installed in the castle to allow for Henry VIII's massive frame, he was no longer the same man who enjoyed playing his horn or teaching his kids.

He was a two-door tooter Tudor too dour to tutor

How do you get Jeffrey Epstein to install a light bulb?

Tell him it's 12yo and he will screw it.

If you ever feel useless...

...just remember that somewhere in a factory in Germany, it’s someone’s job to install turn signals in BMWs

My company just installed an elevator that labels the ground floor as "2" and goes up from there.

It's wrong on so many levels.

My wife wouldn’t agree to installing a mirror on our bedroom ceiling!

She can’t stand to see me enjoy myself!

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A nun is in charge of painting the walls of a newly built classroom for Sunday School....

Not wanting to get paint on her habit, she decides that it would be best to strip completely naked. She closes the curtains, disrobes, and begins painting the room. Suddenly she hears a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" She asks.

"Blind man." Is the answer.

Thinking there is no ...

My Dad installed a shelf in the wall of the shower today. It's nice, but it wont appeal to everyone

It's a bit niche

Why did the bakery install a security system?

To protect the dough!

Have you guys heard of the new game where you just install doors and windows?

It’s called Shim City

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

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My penis is 12 inches....

.... delivered in 3 quick installments.

It took over a month to install our floor-to-ceiling windows.

It was a big pane.

I installed anti virus software on my computer

Now my computer has autism

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

What does a vampire do before installing a new piece of software?

Sign the DracEULA.

If you ever think that you have no purpose in life.

Just remember, there is a guy at the bmw factory installing turn signals.

A mirror installation guy....

Now there's a job I could really see myself doing...

Apple just finished designing a smart car.

They are having trouble installing Windows

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

I used to install mufflers but I recently quit

It was too exhausting.

I installed Fortnite on my laptop and I already killed 20 kids

They should have known better than to approach a stranger offering them a free laptop with Fortnite on it

One day a talented engineer was inspecting some work on top of a new high rise building when he slipped and fell to his death.

He goes to Heaven and walks up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says “sorry, we aren’t letting anyone in today, you’ll have to go somewhere else.” Dismayed at his other prospects, the man goes to limbo for a while, but finds it incredibly boring. So he leaves and goes down to Hell.

There he ...

My friend got hit with a window installment falling on his lower back the other day

Said it was a huge pane in the ass

TIFU by installing my fence on my neighbors property

Oops, wrong place for this post.

If you want to impress a date, don't tell them you use AdBlock

I installed it the other day and now none of the hot singles even want to talk to me

If you ever feel that your job is pointless...

Just remember that there is someone out there in a BMW factory installing turn signals.



Credit to /u/Snorkels721 , just sharing the golden comment

In Scotland, they are so mean with money that every home has double glazing installed.

So their kids can't hear the ice cream van

I wish Ford installed heated bumpers.

Would keep my hands warm while I’m pushing mine to the side of the freeway.

There are so many scams on the internet nowadays...

Send me three easy installments of $19.99, and I'll tell you how to avoid all of them!

Why does the French Army install Rear-view mirrors in their Tanks?

So that they can see the battle.

Did you hear about the husband who found that his wife had run off with the man who installed their security system?

He became quite alarmed

If you shared on Facebook about a fence installation video you were editing...

Would that make it a post post post?

How many Paladins does it take to install a ceiling lamp?

Two, one to the screw the bolts in and the other to uphold the light.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts calling numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking in his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very
tough neighbourhood and he doesn't need any trouble
here.

The guy says, You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I
had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.
The bartender says 'Prove it'. ...

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A middle-aged woman is conscious about the way she looks as she's coming of age...

Especially about the wrinkles that are starting to come out around her face. So she decides to go to the plastic surgeon.

"Doctor doctor, what can you do about these wrinkles?"

"Hmmm, in your case, I'd recommend a very innovative, yet very cheap method. I'll install these two tiny sc...

Carpet Installers

As Bill finished installing the carpet in the lady’s house, he walked through each room to make sure it was done well. In the bedroom he found a frustrated co-worker smashing his hammer into the carpet.

“What’s going on Paul?” he asked. “I must’ve left my cigarettes under the carpet. I’m not ...

An ad appeared in the local paper that read "Wanted. Man to mate with an ape, $5,000. Call the zoo"

A less than bright man reads the ad and contacted the zoo. After a few questions, he said he was inclined to proceed with the process with 3 requirements:

1. There will be absolutely no kissing involved.

2. If this union proves fruitful, the children will be raised Catholic.

3. ...

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A little old lady calls a carpet installation company to redo her living room carpeting...

Mitch arrives, takes measurements and begins work. He pulls out the old carpeting, sands the floor down and lays in the new carpet. It takes all day.

When he's finally done he notices a small lump under the carpet in one corner of the floor. "Ah, fuck. What the hell is this now?" he says. He...

Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over.

Sorry for the repost.

Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well..

All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.

A man was installing a wall-to-wall carpet for his neighbor

A man was installing a wall-to-wall carpet for his neighbor who was out of town. He had been working on it for a couple hours, when he noticed a lump in the middle of the carpet. He let out a short huff, walking outside for a cigarette while he thought about what he should do since he'd have to take...

I recently installed a new Operating System. The problem is that it randomly deleted half of my files.

It is called Than OS.

I recently became the manager of a small shop

The first thing I did was install a big barrier around the cooked meat and sandwiches section. My employees asked me why so I told them.

A good manager relies on Deli gating.

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Where does the computer programmer take a piss?

At the IP address.

Where does he poop?

Install.

Recently installed a shower bar.

Never been sober since.

A man and his wife walk into a tile and flooring store.

They both go to the front desk, the wife following behind her husband while looking extremely distraught. “How can I help you?” The contractor asked

“I came in to see if I could get some new counter tops.” Says the man who tugs his wife closer to the desk with a stern look on his face.
<...

A guy hires a contractor to do some work on his house

He doesn’t like the front of his house and decided he wants new columns, new everything. He selects a contractor and starts working on choosing materials. He ultimately decides on a wooden column with a rustic flair, and a slate tile under the front porch.

The contractor does the work well—h...

Why did the tree install solar panels?

It wanted to be a power plant.

My boss accused me of installing a hidden camera in the woman's toilet.

"How do you know it was me, it could be anyone!", I told him.

"I saw you from MY camera!", he replied.

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bancroft was an unimpressive man

he had no viable skills or accomplishments. He has always dreamed of joining the king’s army and becoming a knight but was always rejected as he was too short. He would often complain to his friend, Alcott, about his height. He would repeatedly say, “If only I was taller, I would be able to be a kni...

Two terrorists were installing a bomb

One says to another “what will happen if this one explodes while we are installing it?”

The other responds:

“Don’t worry I’m carrying a spare”

After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore.

I deleted the app.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once installed a sky light in my apartment.

Boy were my upstairs neighbors pissed.

So a German installs a bath around his desk...

BADUMTISCH

So I work for gutter installation company...

And we recently had a job the required us to roll out 90ft+ pieces at a time. We decided to use the parking lot of the neighboring funeral home for convenience.

As we're working in the lot, the funeral home director comes out and asks us what's going on.

"Sorry sir, were almost done w...

Two marketing executives were discussing what to call the new advertising signs that were being installed along the highway.

VP Phil: Let's call them Philboards

CEO Bill: I've just had a great idea!

Before his inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to take a tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of water, he asked President Clinton if he could use the bathroom in the Oval Office. He was astonished to see that the president had a solid gold urinal installed. That night, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.



“Just think,” he said, “whe...

Shipwrecked

A married couple were enjoying a luxury South Sea cruise until their liner was shipwrecked and they were washed ashore on a desert island, the only survivors.

Day after day, they looked hopefully out to sea in the hope of spotting a passing vessel but none came. As boredom set in, they star...

Why do Mexicans always install those tiny steering wheels in their cars?

So they can drive with the handcuffs on.

Why don't men install urinals in their houses?

Their wives just wouldn't stand for it :)

Donald, we want to install turbines beside your golf courses to harness the incredible power of the wind! What do you think of these concept sketches?

"Not a huge fan."

I hired a plumber to install on-demand water heaters in my house

It was a tankless job

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was installing an electric circuit in my house.

He said, 'Do you mind if I dip this thin metal thread into my coloured fluid?'

'Why the fuck would I care?' I asked.

He said, 'I'm only ink wiring.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish peasant

An Irish peasant named Kory Andrea grew up knowing nothing but potatoes. His dad farmed potatoes, and his dad farmed potatoes, all the way back a thousand years. He had spent the entirety of his first twenty years on this Earth farming and harvesting potatoes.

One day, as if suddenly, the pot...

A little boy to his father: "Daddy, how did I actually come into the world?" Daddy replies: "Alright my son, at some point we have to to this talking, so watch out:

Daddy got to know mommy in a "chat room." Later, daddy and mommy met in a "cyber cafe" and on the toilet, mommy wanted to do a few "downloads" of daddy's "Joy Stick". When daddy was then ready for the "upload", we suddenly realized that we had no "firewall" installed and it was already too late to p...

A boy was bagging groceries at the supermarket.

One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

The store manager said, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

Why was the builder also good at tech support?

He could install Windows really well

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandma told me this one

An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The J...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy finds a genie.

Guy tells genie his wife is a bitch.

Says, 'I want to see her get fucked by the ugliest man in the world.'

Genie installs a mirror in their bedroom.

I installed this new clickbait electrical system

What happened next was shocking

Talking with your girlfriend is just like software installation EULA

you just scroll down waiting for it to finish and agree without understanding what it says

Breaking News: Government shutdown ends as Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition that he gets to install windows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man installs a lie detector app on his smartphone and shows it off to his family at the dinner table.

Then as they begin eating he asks his son, "So, what have you been doing this afternoon?"

"Just working on my research paper, Dad..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"Okay, I was on the Internet, looking at pictures of kittens and stuff..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"All right, I was ...

What should you do if it gets too cold inside your pancreas?

Install some insulination.

What would they call the 10th installment in the Fast and Furious Series?

-Fast 10 Your Seatbelts

-Fast 10 Furious

I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.


I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.


The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service...

I heard Apple are planning on developing a computerized car

Unfortunately, they're having trouble installing windows

I installed a skylight in my apartment.

The people living above me are furious.

I installed anti-virus on my PC

Now the damned thing has autism.

How do you keep bears out of your backyard?

You install goal posts.

Why did the construction worker buy the Microsoft CD?

To install the windows.

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

God told Eve

-You shall pay your sin with blood
Eve asked
-May I pay it in installments?
And God created the menstruation

I got a job installing security systems...

I find it pretty alarming

The oldest job in the world

A surgeon,gardener and electrician sitting in a bar talking about the worlds oldest job.

The Surgeon laughed and said: “HAH! Ofcourse surgeon is the oldest job in the world who else removed the rib from adams body for god to create eve! He doesn’t even have a scar from it!”

Then the Ga...

Oscar Pistorius wants to install a new bathroom door...

but his girlfriend is dead against it

What do you get when you ask a furry to build a computer?

LenOWO, with WinRAWR pre-installed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob was a carpet installer

and one day he installed this beautiful wall to wall carpet for Mrs. Smith. He spent all day and did a great job. As he finished he was thinking "I'm ready for a cigarette now!". They weren't in his shirt pocket, and they weren't in his vest pocket. They weren't in his pants.

As Bob was goin...

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