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When the prison guards decided to install computers in the local prison, what was the first procedure taken?

Removing the ‘escape’ button.

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Had a plumber install a toilet for me and he was a really nice guy

I feel terrible knowing I’m shitting all over his hard work.

Why didn't the scientist install a door bell at his home?

Because he wanted a Nobel prize.

Why did the bakery install a security system?

To protect the dough!

How do you get Jeffrey Epstein to install a light bulb?

Tell him it's 12yo and he will screw it.

I used to install mufflers but I recently quit

It was too exhausting.

Why do we install Windows to some fridges?

Because it freezes very well.

Why does the French Army install Rear-view mirrors in their Tanks?

So that they can see the battle.

Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over.

Sorry for the repost.

TIL how not to install a fence

Ooops... wrong place for this post

Why did the tree install solar panels?

It wanted to be a power plant.

So a German installs a bath around his desk...

BADUMTISCH

It took over a month to install our floor-to-ceiling windows.

It was a big pane.

How many Paladins does it take to install a ceiling lamp?

Two, one to the screw the bolts in and the other to uphold the light.

I hired a plumber to install on-demand water heaters in my house

It was a tankless job

Why do Mexicans always install those tiny steering wheels in their cars?

So they can drive with the handcuffs on.

Why don't men install urinals in their houses?

Their wives just wouldn't stand for it :)

One day a talented engineer was inspecting some work on top of a new high rise building when he slipped and fell to his death.

He goes to Heaven and walks up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says “sorry, we aren’t letting anyone in today, you’ll have to go somewhere else.” Dismayed at his other prospects, the man goes to limbo for a while, but finds it incredibly boring. So he leaves and goes down to Hell.

There he ...

I recently installed a new Operating System. The problem is that it randomly deleted half of my files.

It is called Than OS.

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A man installs a lie detector app on his smartphone and shows it off to his family at the dinner table.

Then as they begin eating he asks his son, "So, what have you been doing this afternoon?"

"Just working on my research paper, Dad..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"Okay, I was on the Internet, looking at pictures of kittens and stuff..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"All right, I was ...

In light of the DNC event and my own recent experience with the forced install of windows 10.. What do the Clinton's have in common with Bill Gates?

They both no longer need your consent.

If you ever feel your job is meaningless...

Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

Donald, we want to install turbines beside your golf courses to harness the incredible power of the wind! What do you think of these concept sketches?

"Not a huge fan."

Oscar Pistorius wants to install a new bathroom door...

but his girlfriend is dead against it

If Apple designed a house, what would they not install?

Windows...

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A middle-aged woman is conscious about the way she looks as she's coming of age...

Especially about the wrinkles that are starting to come out around her face. So she decides to go to the plastic surgeon.

"Doctor doctor, what can you do about these wrinkles?"

"Hmmm, in your case, I'd recommend a very innovative, yet very cheap method. I'll install these two tiny sc...

Never let the CIA install your government.

Too much spyware.

I recently became the manager of a small shop

The first thing I did was install a big barrier around the cooked meat and sandwiches section. My employees asked me why so I told them.

A good manager relies on Deli gating.

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Where does the computer programmer take a piss?

At the IP address.

Where does he poop?

Install.

A guy hires a contractor to do some work on his house

He doesn’t like the front of his house and decided he wants new columns, new everything. He selects a contractor and starts working on choosing materials. He ultimately decides on a wooden column with a rustic flair, and a slate tile under the front porch.

The contractor does the work well—h...

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

If you play a Windows Vista disc backwards, you can hear satanic chanting...

...what's worse, if you play it forwards, it installs Vista.

Why was the builder also good at tech support?

He could install Windows really well

Why did the construction worker buy the Microsoft CD?

To install the windows.

Breaking News: Government shutdown ends as Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition that he gets to install windows.

What should you do if it gets too cold inside your pancreas?

Install some insulination.

How do you keep bears out of your backyard?

You install goal posts.

I've been trying to download this software ALL day..

I kept getting hung up at the end when it said "finish install". I'm Norwegian.

Why doesn't Tim Cook build his own house?

Because he refuses to install windows

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

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Guy finds a genie.

Guy tells genie his wife is a bitch.

Says, 'I want to see her get fucked by the ugliest man in the world.'

Genie installs a mirror in their bedroom.

They finally figured out why the computerized self driving car has crashed...

They didn't install the driver.

Theres a new computer that begins swearing whenever it gets too hot

They had to install a heat censor

Classic Brexit Joke

How many Conservatives does it take to install a lightbulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the others to screw it up.

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Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

Barry worked on a farm

He was absolutely obsessed with farm machinery, particularly tractors. He loved working on them, driving them, ploughing with them, and at the end of the day cleaning them.

His room was filled with tractor posters, he often completed puzzles of tractors, built and painted small model tractors...

A man hired a contractor to renovate his kitchen

The contractor said to the man that he was nearly done.

The homeowner said "no way that you are - there is a giant hole in the granite countertop!"

Frustrated with how long the renovation had taken, the homeowner started yelling at the contractor and his assistant, who was standing in ...

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seven. One to install the new bulb, and six to figure out where to store the old one for the next 10,000 years.

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Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable pro...

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one o...

Haven't seen this one here yet

**How to install a southern home security system**

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 15 men's work boots, and place them on your porch with a copy of *Guns & Ammo* magazine.
2. Place four of the biggest dog bowls you can find on the porch next to the boots and magazines.
3. L...

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.

"Welcome to my domain!" Satan says, with a malicious grin and a nod to the lava pools and torture devices. "I hope it's to your liking."

"It's alright," the engineer says. "But it could do with some improvements. I'd be happy to help if you give me go...

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Tech support call.

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not in...

US Presidents remake the US in their image

DDE: Pave the country so all people can drive to see Nature.

JFK: Lofty sounding speeches, but nasty family history, and conspiracies abound; unusual relationship with Hollywood. Violent gun-related death that is not the fault of guns.

LBJ: Very proud of his wounds, will show them to ...

A roofer with a lisp

Is hired to install new roofs across the city, when he didnt get paid - he began tearing up all his hard work without discrimination.
It was roofless.

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A guy breaks into a house...

As he starts to burglarize the place he hears a voice.
Voice: Jesus is watching
the guy looks around and dosent see anything. So he keeps sacking the place.
As he is picking up jewlery off a dresser he hears the voice again.
Voice: Jesus is watching
This time he was sure it ...

If you ever feel like your life is without purpose

Just know there’s a guy at the BMW factory who installs turn signals

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It’s time to redecorate the nunnery and Mother Superior is feeling overwhelmed with supervising all the various contractors. Wanting to save some money, she tasks the 2 newest novitiates with painting the cloister...

The young nuns are inexperienced painters, and they paint slowly and carefully, concerned about getting paint on their habits.

Mother Superior comes to check on them and is dismayed to find by the end of the day they’ve barely painted one wall.

“You’ll need to paint faster ladies, w...

Go green and cut your energy bills in half!

install a wind turbine on your head that runs on all the jokes that whoosh right over it

What's the difference between a car and a computer?

If you install windows on a car, it crashes less.

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So Trump is working with Putin on cybersecurity...

In other news, the principal at my school is working with the boys to install a surveillance system to insure privacy in the girls' locker room.

[Long] The American Fox Hunt

The US president, wanting to see which of his intelligence agencies was the best, released a fox into a wood and asked various agencies to catch it.

The NSA goes first. They tap the phone lines within the rabbit holes and monitor any internet searches on fox related topics within the wood. Af...

There was this guy who asked me, "how do I open this jar?!"

"Install the latest version of the Java Runtime Environment", I said. Silly guy, now he's all confused. People these days... SMH.

When they put a computer at the wheel of a car, why didnt it work ?

They needed to install a driver

A prison decides to renovate its showers

An ageing prison facility is constantly beset by long queues for the shower area, which the managers decide to do something about because having all the prisoners together in one area outside of their cells might get nasty. So they look into the problem, and realise that, although the showers themse...

Why did everyone in the Apple store die of heat stroke

They didn't want to install windows

Apple is designing a car..

Everything was going great until they tried to install windows.

Sarah is a girl who was born with no body. No arms, no legs, not even a torso. Nothing below her neck.

In a major medical accomplishment, doctors develop a set of very small devices to function as her internal organs and install them in her neck. These keep her fully functional with exception of being able to walk or manipulate objects as if she had arms or legs.

Once she is released from the ...

What is the square root of Pai?

"To access your calculator's premium features like sine, square and square root, and logarithm, please call to have a contractor install the software"

Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.

Grandma's Password

My 100 year old grandma asked me to set up a security camera, so she could see who was stealing her clothes at her assisted living facility, so I brought over a wireless camera and started to install an app on her IPAD for monitoring.

I needed her Apple ID to download the app, so I asked her ...

A short guide to extreme BDSM

Some couples like what they have. Others want to experiment. This is a quick and simple (and dirty) tutorial for some extreme [BDSM](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM) play in a young couple's bedroom.

As far as special equipment goes... well, it'll become obvious as you read.

Step ze...

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A male manager is assigned a state of the art, hot female looking robot secretary for the office...

...As he's being trained on the many features it has, he's told the robot will basically do anything he wants. He asks, anything? The installers reply, anything ;) and once they were done, they went onto other offices in the building to install more robots.

The manager instantly locks the doo...

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[NSFW] 3 nuns are in a church on a hot day...

Because it was such a hot day, all 3 of them decided to take off their clothes, so they could relax peacefully in the heat.

However, only an hour after they had taken off their clothes, there came a knock on the church door.

"Who is it?" asked the head nun.

"It's the blind ma...

Wrote this one myself (it's a long one but it's good)

There's a man who's decided to redo his bathroom.
He's going with an all red theme; red sink, red countertop, red toilet. The whole shabang.
He starts first with the red countertop, then he installs the red sinks and toilet, then he finally starts laying the tiles.
The ground tiles are lai...

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My favorite medical joke

A lady in her 50s goes to see a plastic surgeon.
"Doctor, I'd like to do something about these wrinkles on my face, but I live out in the country and I don't want to have to keep coming back to see you often."
He says, "Sure, well we have this new device called 'The Knob.' Basically we just i...

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A woman in her 50's gets plastic surgery on a regular basis, now she's back at her surgeons office yet again.

The doctor politely states that "Since you are regularly getting nips, tucks, and lifting done you would be a perfect candidate for an experimental procedure that would all but eliminate the need for further operations." The woman is intrigued.


"What we do is install a small knob...

A man visits a dentist

He has horrible pain in his mouth.

The dentist examines him, and says, "There is extensive damage in here, what is your diet like?"
The man says, "Hollandaise sauce. Morning, noon and night. I eat it on everything."
"Well, the damage seems very extensive, but I think I can fix it. You w...

Dorothy is stuck in Oz

Apparently magical footwear can't solve all of your problems. So she stays put.

Decades go by, and technology advances. Dorothy, realizing that things get boring without witches trying to murder you, gets a laptop.

She installs Internet Explorer, and the connection is terrible. Doroth...

If you think your job is meaningless

remember that in the BMW factory, there are people whose job is to install turning lights

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A nun, who possessed miraculous healing powers, was taking a shower,

when her fellow nun goes into her room, and says, "Sister, a blind man is here to see you."

"I'm showering! Tell him to come back later," she replies.

"But he says it's urgent; he cannot come back later."

"Well, he's a blind man, so fine, send him in," she says as she turns off...

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[long] A woman was starting to feel very self conscious about her drooping jaw line...

She decided to have a face lift done.
A few years pass and she begins to notice her skin sagging again. She gets another facelift.
The woman becomes addicted to having taut, young looking skin.
The plastic surgeon eventually gets fed up of seeing this woman and performing unnecessary fac...

Telephone Poles

Bell needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers for Fort McMurray and the boss had to choose between a team of two guys from Newfoundland and a team of two Irish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new ro...

Paddy the irishman gets a job

Paddy and his friend were hired to install telegraph poles.
After his first day his boss approaches and asks how many poles he put down yesterday.
paddy says "2"
"2!!" says his boss, "My other guys can put 10-15 poles in a day"
"yes, but do you see how far theirs are sticking out...

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What does a Jew do to make them love Christmas?

Install a parking meter on the roof.

On a mission from my grandma and I need your help!

This is not a joke, but a request.

My grandma asked me to come up with a joke for her, for a speech she's giving to her charity foundation. The joke has to involve an old woman, and raising money/charity donations. Here's the example she gave me (slightly paraphrased from when she told it t...

the latest trend

I hear the latest trend is to install trampolines on cruise ships - apparently everyone's jumping on board

It took forever for them to schedule a date...

There's this man and a woman who seem to like each other, but between work and life, they have had a heck of a time carving out the time to actually go on a date! Finally things line up, and they arrange to have dinner at a nice restaurant one day after work.

To make matters worse, on the way...

Internet Explorer

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Internet Explorer is the most popular web browser to install Chrome or Firefox with.

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