Guys, don't install adblock

I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me any more.

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I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

The new X Box Series or PS5 should have a CD stacker installed.

It would be a real game changer

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and th...

Dear God, Could we please uninstall 2020 and re-install it????

It has a virus.

I asked the plumber to install a garbage disposal on the bathtub drain...

He looked at me like - I - was the psycho.

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

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My grandfather is really frustrated at the new stairlift installed in his house.

He said, “It’s driving me up the fucking wall.”

[NSFW] A monastery recently installed some new statues

And they looked great.

The head monk of the monastery decided to take a bath. But once he had undressed and ran the water, he realized that he was out of soap.

Thinking that the extra toiletries were just on the opposite side of the hall, he decided to just pop out and go grab the soap...

I helped my neighbours install clappers

There must be something wrong with them because they were flickering on and off all night

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

If you ever think your job is pointless, just remember...

You could be the guy who installs indicators on BMWs.

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Asda installed a medical kiosk, for £10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.


He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and t...

Today I got a job in the lightbulb installation field.

The future is bright.

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I installed a skylight in my apartment today...

You wouldn't believe how pissed off the people upstairs were.

Finally got a beer tap installed in our home.

But now my wife's complaining that she "can't have a regular bath".

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

An electrician installed two aeriels on the same roof . . .

The aeirels quickly fell in love, went on many dates and were soon married. The wedding went off without a hitch . . .

But there was no reception.

Prague just installed new Covid-19 testing stations.

They named them Czech points.

If you ever feel like your life has no meaning

Just remember that there is a guy in the BMW factory installing turn signals.

A year ago today, I installed a second mirror on the opposite wall from our first...

It’s something I always love to look back on.

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A man wanted to kiss his date

Her mouth smelled like shit
He said your mouth smells like shit
She got upset and left.
The man’s friend advised him to not be blunt and ask her indirectly: “did you eat onions today, or have you been to the dentist”

On the following date her mouth smelled like shit and the man asked...

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked...

I just finished installing a 5G mast for the local area when this crazy lady runs out of the house and starts throwing bizarre accusations of how 5G is hurting people's health and what monsters we telecoms guys are. What a screwball!

4G must've fried her brain.

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I recently installed a phone in my bathroom.

Now I can shit-talk my friends.

Did you hear about the rumours about Iraq?

I heard they are going to invade America in order to install democracy there.

If you ever feel worthless, just remember

It's someones job to install blinkers on BMW's

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

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When the prison guards decided to install computers in the local prison, what was the first procedure taken?

Removing the ‘escape’ button.

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Had a plumber install a toilet for me and he was a really nice guy

I feel terrible knowing I’m shitting all over his hard work.

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A cut below...

My friend was telling me that he was thinking of having a vasectomy. But it was a little different. He said that the Dr. would actually install a small "micro" valve in the vas that carried the sperm. That way you could turn it off/on. I thought it was a great idea...I asked him if they used a ball ...

Since I've installed Adblock Plus

All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.

My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed.

I’ll admit, I took them for granite.

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

I've been screwing all weekend and my wrist is killing me

Installing drywall is hard work.

A lighthouse was installed at an Alaskan cape near a remote Inuit village

The leader of the village opposed the installation, but the US government overruled him.

One foggy morning, the village leader said to his people, "I told you that thing no good. Look at it: light flash, bell ring, horn go woo-woo. But fog come in, just like always."

Here is the one from the book about the doctor and the trump (not the president)

It happened that the doctor and the tramp (not all tramps are poor) bought a piece of land opposite to each other. They started to build their houses and the tramp liked the brick that the doctor used so he bought the same. After the tramp put in the windows and the doors, the doctor liked those too...

A man wanted to marry his sister, but it was illegal in his state.

So they bought a house and he installed a single stair out front.

Putting a step in front makes it perfectly legal.

Installing mufflers isn’t an easy job.

It’s exhausting.

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Turns out using ad block pisses off more people than I originally thought.

None of the hot singles in my area wanted to have sex with me after I installed it.

Why does the French Army install Rear-view mirrors in their Tanks?

So that they can see the battle.

I installed anti virus software on my computer

Now my computer has autism

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

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I bought my wife a stripper pole for our anniversary and installed it in our bedroom.

Whenever I ask her if she likes it, she just dances around the subject.

Why didn't the scientist install a door bell at his home?

Because he wanted a Nobel prize.

How do you get Jeffrey Epstein to install a light bulb?

Tell him it's 12yo and he will screw it.

Why did the bakery install a security system?

To protect the dough!

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A toothpaste factory had a problem

Due to the way the production line was set up, sometimes empty boxes were shipped without the tube inside. People with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming off of it is perfect 100% ...

After double doors had to be installed in the castle to allow for Henry VIII's massive frame, he was no longer the same man who enjoyed playing his horn or teaching his kids.

He was a two-door tooter Tudor too dour to tutor

How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?

You tell him Barack Obama installed it.

Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over.

Sorry for the repost.

Walking closet

My wife has been talking about a walking closet for years and when I finally installed robot legs on a closet and presented it to her she just shaked her head and walked away.

Cold and ungrateful!

My company just installed an elevator that labels the ground floor as "2" and goes up from there.

It's wrong on so many levels.

Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well..

All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.

It took over a month to install our floor-to-ceiling windows.

It was a big pane.

My wife is the least technical person in the world, so when she told me she had finished installing Java, I was astounded.

Until she held up her empty coffee cup.

My wife wouldn’t agree to installing a mirror on our bedroom ceiling!

She can’t stand to see me enjoy myself!

TIL how not to install a fence

Ooops... wrong place for this post

Carpet Installers

As Bill finished installing the carpet in the lady’s house, he walked through each room to make sure it was done well. In the bedroom he found a frustrated co-worker smashing his hammer into the carpet.

“What’s going on Paul?” he asked. “I must’ve left my cigarettes under the carpet. I’m not ...

Why did the tree install solar panels?

It wanted to be a power plant.

I tried to take a shower at my aunt's house

She had big lights installed in the top of her shower and it was full of plants. I had to take all the plants out to use it. When she saw me taking the plants out she said "what are you doing?! that's a *grower*, not a *shower*!!"

The Original Sin

When God found out that Eve gave Adam the forbidden fruit, he decided that she deserved to be punished. Her sin was so terrible that also every other woman would have to pay for Eve’s treason. God sentenced them all to pay with their blood... but through convenient monthly installments.

I used to install mufflers but I recently quit

It was too exhausting.

A mirror installation guy....

Now there's a job I could really see myself doing...

I installed Fortnite on my laptop and I already killed 20 kids

They should have known better than to approach a stranger offering them a free laptop with Fortnite on it

A Special Table

A man went to an old furniture shop to buy an antique kitchen table. Almost at once, he saw the table he wanted to buy and asked the price.

“£2,000 sir.”

“Never!” exclaimed the man, “That’s unbelievably expensive.”

“That’s true,” replied the assistant, but this is not just any a...

My Dad installed a shelf in the wall of the shower today. It's nice, but it wont appeal to everyone

It's a bit niche

What does a vampire do before installing a new piece of software?

Sign the DracEULA.

How many IT specialists does it take to change a lightbulb?

SUPPORT TICKET CLOSED: Lightbulb already installed.

So a German installs a bath around his desk...

BADUMTISCH

TIFU by installing my fence on my neighbors property

Oops, wrong place for this post.

How many Paladins does it take to install a ceiling lamp?

Two, one to the screw the bolts in and the other to uphold the light.

I wish Ford installed heated bumpers.

Would keep my hands warm while I’m pushing mine to the side of the freeway.

A guy in a wheelchair once applied for Stars in their Eyes with his nephew and they both successfully got on the show...

...when asked about his accident by the presenter, he stated "Well me and nephew are both glazers you see, and one day my nephew, who is here with me tonight, was up a ladder holding onto this double glazed window that we were both installing, when it suddenly slipped from his grasp and sliced strai...

Why do we install Windows to some fridges?

Because it freezes very well.

If you shared on Facebook about a fence installation video you were editing...

Would that make it a post post post?

Did you hear about the husband who found that his wife had run off with the man who installed their security system?

He became quite alarmed

Why don't men install urinals in their houses?

Their wives just wouldn't stand for it :)

Why Engineers go to Heaven

An engineer died and was mistakenly sent to hell.  Fairly quickly, he had redesigned the place. Hell cooled down considerably thanks to the air conditioning he built and installed. The escalators and elevators worked just fine. Manual labor was quickly becoming a thing of the past.

God looked...

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say to an infant who wants to install windows 7 on the baby’s PC from 2006?

Uninstall Vista, baby

Recently installed a shower bar.

Never been sober since.

My friend got hit with a window installment falling on his lower back the other day

Said it was a huge pane in the ass

Why do Mexicans always install those tiny steering wheels in their cars?

So they can drive with the handcuffs on.

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A little old lady calls a carpet installation company to redo her living room carpeting...

Mitch arrives, takes measurements and begins work. He pulls out the old carpeting, sands the floor down and lays in the new carpet. It takes all day.

When he's finally done he notices a small lump under the carpet in one corner of the floor. "Ah, fuck. What the hell is this now?" he says. He...

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A man installs a lie detector app on his smartphone and shows it off to his family at the dinner table.

Then as they begin eating he asks his son, "So, what have you been doing this afternoon?"

"Just working on my research paper, Dad..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"Okay, I was on the Internet, looking at pictures of kittens and stuff..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"All right, I was ...

My boss accused me of installing a hidden camera in the woman's toilet.

"How do you know it was me, it could be anyone!", I told him.

"I saw you from MY camera!", he replied.

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Butterflies

One day the lion calls upon all the animals in the forest.
"I wanted to let everybody know, that from now on, it is illegal to take a shit on the ground. I have installed toilets for everyone to use.", declared the lion.

Later that day, every animal needs to take a shit, but the elephant i...

NSFW: Too Tight!

So I just heard this one from, believe it or not, my sweet old mom. I'm not sure if it's original or not.

An older woman goes to a plastic surgeon who has perfected a fantastic new technique. As he's doing a face lift he installs a little screw on the top of each clients head. This way, ...

In Scotland, they are so mean with money that every home has double glazing installed.

So their kids can't hear the ice cream van

After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore.

I deleted the app.

I recently installed a new Operating System. The problem is that it randomly deleted half of my files.

It is called Than OS.

Talking with your girlfriend is just like software installation EULA

you just scroll down waiting for it to finish and agree without understanding what it says

I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.


I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.


The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service...

A man was installing a wall-to-wall carpet for his neighbor

A man was installing a wall-to-wall carpet for his neighbor who was out of town. He had been working on it for a couple hours, when he noticed a lump in the middle of the carpet. He let out a short huff, walking outside for a cigarette while he thought about what he should do since he'd have to take...

My office computer is so old...

When it started running slow, instead of more RAM, the IT guy installed more beads.

I hired a plumber to install on-demand water heaters in my house

It was a tankless job

Two terrorists were installing a bomb

One says to another “what will happen if this one explodes while we are installing it?”

The other responds:

“Don’t worry I’m carrying a spare”

I installed anti-virus on my PC

Now the damned thing has autism.

Two marketing executives were discussing what to call the new advertising signs that were being installed along the highway.

VP Phil: Let's call them Philboards

CEO Bill: I've just had a great idea!

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

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Bob was a carpet installer

and one day he installed this beautiful wall to wall carpet for Mrs. Smith. He spent all day and did a great job. As he finished he was thinking "I'm ready for a cigarette now!". They weren't in his shirt pocket, and they weren't in his vest pocket. They weren't in his pants.

As Bob was goin...

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A man was installing an electric circuit in my house.

He said, 'Do you mind if I dip this thin metal thread into my coloured fluid?'

'Why the fuck would I care?' I asked.

He said, 'I'm only ink wiring.'

It could be worse...

John knocks on the door and a man opens it.

John confesses he has been sleeping with Mary and that they have had an affair for the last year. The man simply says "well it could be worse"

John goes on to say that Mary has been funneling money to him the entire time and he has spent ...

What would they call the 10th installment in the Fast and Furious Series?

-Fast 10 Your Seatbelts

-Fast 10 Furious

Oscar Pistorius wants to install a new bathroom door...

but his girlfriend is dead against it

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