Three guys are working on an oil rig ...

Three roughnecks - John, Lonnie, and Donnie - were working on a rig in the oilfield...
While they were working one day, John falls off the rig tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, "Somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie repl...

Billy Bob parked his rig in Florida for a few days before driving back home. He was about to dive into the surf but figured he'd better check out the alligator situation with the townsfolk. "Nope, no gators here," a local as- sured him.

Billv Bob had swum out 50 led before his
brain kicked in again. "Hey. how come there
ain't no gators in here?" he yelled back to the
guy onshore.
"Because they're afraid of the sharks," came
the reply.

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig

and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fittin...

I just spent a ton of money on a new gaming rig

It set me back about £2,000

Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.

She's an essential oil worker now.

The Miss Universe pageant is definitely rigged.

The winners are always from Earth.

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The Little Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her ...

Sandpaper Sally

This guy he works on a oil rig 3 weeks on 3 off and he hates it because his wife left him. Well the man gets all depressed when he came home so he needed a pick me up so he went down to the bunny ranch to ya'know

So he walks into the ranch and sees this person at the front desk and he walks ...

A travelling salesman passes a field and sees a pig with 3 legs

A travelling salesman passes a field and sees a pig with 3 legs. Intrigued, he pulls up to the farm house and asks the farmer, "What's up with that 3-legged pig?"

The farmer gets all misty-eyed and says, "Let me tell you 'bout that pig. A few years ago, we were all asleep when a fire broke ...

Did you see that guy on the freeway cutting off everyone but big rigs?

He was semi courteous.

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

HELP! The smelly man who just got laid on an oil rig is chasing me with a piece of bent pipe!

It’s an olfactory refractory fracking fractional flak attack!

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Free Sex with Fill-Up

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, **'Free Sex with Fill-Up!'**

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Pad...

What are you called when you're rich and in a hurry to rig the U.S. election?

A Russian Oligarch.

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The pirate

A man walks into a pub down by the wharf and sits at the bar next to a man with an eyepatch, a hook on his right hand and a wooden leg. The man exclaims, " Wow you must be a pirate!" How did you lose your leg? The pirate looks over and says, "well lad it was my first day onboard me ship, I haven't q...

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A trucker is driving his rig at night

He's on the phone to one of his mates. At one point he asks:

"Fred, what would you say is the height of the largest type of penguin?"

"That's a really weird question Tom, but I guess around 120cm"

"Ah... are you sure? Not tall as say, a human?"

"I wouldn't say so Tom, see...

Are you a big rig salesman?

Cause you gave me a semi.

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A man took a job on an oil rig in the desert.

He was settling in well but after a couple of weeks felt the normal urge every man has and went to talk to his supervisor.

"I really like the job boss but I need some female company"

The boss replies "That's easy Joe, see those Camels over there, when your off your shift feel free to u...

Chemical Plant Fire

One dark night outside a small town a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of ou...

What happened to all the proof about Russia rigging the elections?

(removed)

There's a movie coming out about a big rig truck.

Have you seen the trailer?

I think my communist theory test was rigged

Everyone got the same marx

This is rigged!

Wife to Husband :

Will you take me out for dinner in the evening? Your options are:

A) Yes

B) A

C) B

Why couldn't Hillary rig the election like she rigged the DNC?

She deleted that email.

What is the difference between Clinton and Putin?

Putin can win a rigged election.

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An aspiring oil tycoon's oil rig catches fire...

A company immediately shows up to the scene and offers to extinguish the fire and repair his oil rig for $100,000,000. The oil tycoon says, "Hell, at $100,000,000 I'll let the damn thing burn itself out and retire on what I've already made". The next day another company shows up at his door offering...

I think my coins are rigged...

I'm never gettin' any head

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer ...

Coin flipping contests are rigged!

Just a heads up.

The boss in an Oil rig went out to find that none of his subordinates were there

The boss in an oil rig went out to find that none of his subordinates were there.

One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain.

you see, I had a date and it ran a little late I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bo...

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Daddy's car in the woods?


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.


Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself...

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This oil rig worker goes into town

After 6 months on the job this oil rig worker goes into town to the local cat house. He tells the madam "I am really horny & I need something strange."

She tells him about blow jobs, s&m, anal & other stuff they can do for him.
He says, "You don't understand me. I need someth...

What do you call a rigged carnival?

An UnFair.

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The Lonely Rig Worker

An oil rig mechanic returns to his cabin after his shift and discovers his cabinmate sitting on the edge of his bunk, his feet in a basin, hastily scraping a razor over his soaped-up legs.

"Um, hey, what are you up to?" asks the mechanic.

"I was talking to old Joe in the canteen today,...

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A guy starts working on an oil rig in Newfoundland

...he meets the boss of the company, is introduced to his duties and works hard for 3 months. His supervisor is impressed by his work and tells him:

"You've been working your ass off and deserve break, here are the keys to the company car, go into town and have yourself a good time"

Th...

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.


Out in the middle of the desert, she started coming on to him. When she offered him some oral pleasure, he pulled over to the side of the road.


But once his pants were around his ankles, she pu...

A truck driver sees a naked man tied to a tree off to the side of the road.

He pulls his rig to the side and approaches the man. The man says to him, "Oh, thank God you're here. I pulled into a gas station to get some gas. I was robbed at gun point, thrown into the trunk of my car and then driven here. Then they stripped me of all of my clothes, took my wedding ring and dro...

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An Irish peasant

An Irish peasant named Kory Andrea grew up knowing nothing but potatoes. His dad farmed potatoes, and his dad farmed potatoes, all the way back a thousand years. He had spent the entirety of his first twenty years on this Earth farming and harvesting potatoes.

One day, as if suddenly, the pot...

I wrote a play about pasta and fairly won an award

Didn't even have to rig a Tony

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What’s it called when Donald Trump takes viagra?

Rigging a presidential erection

I don't trust sailboats

They're rigged

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Why did the Russians get Donald Trump in a room with pissing prostitutes?

They were colluding to rig an erection.

Did you hear about the actor who only won an award because of the Italian mafia?

It turns out they really know how to rig a Tony.

A pasta chef was caught stuffing the ballot boxes at a big Broadway awards show.

Apparently, he was trying to rig a Tony.

eating in a truck stop

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too ...

Skydiving humor

A news reporter was doing a story about skydiving and so he visited a drop zone and went for a ride on the plane to watch everyone jump. One of the plane's engines quit and all the skydivers immediately went out the door. Then the pilot put on his own parachute rig and headed toward the open door hi...

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German lorry driver sat in Liverpool bar mouthing off about how lazy the British are...

He says 'I drive my truck from Hamburg to Liverpool via Holland/Belgium over to the UK and up to Liverpool, drops his load off and back to Hamburg in under 2 days.

Drunk old scouse man can't help but hear him and mutters 'Fuck off lad, I used to pick my load up in Liverpool, drop it off in Ha...

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Billy Bob & Jimmy Bob

Billy Bob & Jimmy Bob drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying "Enter here for a chance at free sex!"

They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten.

Billy Bob gu...

A guy goes into a parachute store.....

and sees a row of parachutes selling for $200 and another row of parachutes selling for $6,000. Confused, he asks a salesman what the $200 rigs were for. The salesman says they were for parachuting. More confused, he asked the salesman what the $6,000 rigs were for. The salesman said they were fo...

An average American voter walks into a bar ...

... and sees Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton huddled together at the end of the bar, whispering to one another. Intrigued, the voter approaches the pair and asks them what they are doing.

"We're planning the 2016 election," brags Trump.

"What's going to be different about it this yea...

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A magician was performing on a cruise ship

A magician was doing a show for passengers aboard a cruise ship. A part of his act was his pet parrot, who would entertain guests by talking. However, the parrot was being particularly difficult that night.

The magician held up an ordinary cloth, and with a flick of the wrist, it was gone...

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Whats the difference between the government and a stripper?

Strippers don't rig their polls.

I have the most boring job of all...

I run an oil drill rig.

Handyman goes to court

So this handyman was caught working without a license. He was a bit of a diy guy and had decided to fix some things himself, but wasn't licensed to do so and they weren't up to standard.

In the court, the judge received a note from his assistant and immediately declare him guilty for working ...

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Trump is suing Male enhancement giant Viagra..

He says it's a rigged erection

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Classic Rocky and Bullwinkle pun

On a December trip to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, Ferdinand Feghoot was summoned to the local college, Wossamotta U. by Inspector Fenwick, the Chief of Police.

There he was confronted with an appalling scene. Bullwinkle, the town's leading citizen, had been smashed flatter than a kippered her...

What kind of coffee machine does James Bond use?

A Q-rig

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My Red Shitt

The captain of a Spanish ship is walking around the deck inspecting the rigging and checking for damage when he hears from the crow's nest "Pirate ship to port, 2 kilometers." Upon receiving the news the captain tells his new first mate "Fetch me my red shirt at once."

The first mate brings t...

A farmer has 3 bulls...

When 1 day he decides too upgrade his herd with a new bull. The other 3 bulls hear this.

Bull #1 says " I have at least 100 head of cows that are mine and Im not going to share any of them with the new bull."

Bull #2 says " I've got 50 cows that are mine. Im not sharing either."
...

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach a man to fish and...

...he has to buy bamboo rods, graphite reels, monofilament lines, neoprene waders, creels, tackleboxes, lures, flies, spinners, worm rigs, slip sinkers, offset hooks, gore-tex hats, 20 pocket vests, fish finders, depth sounders, radar, boats, trailers, global positioning systems, coolers, and six-pa...

The Amish woman and the Pennsylvania State Trooper

An Amish woman is in her horse and buggy heading back home when a state trooper pulls her over. The trooper walks up to the door of the buggy and the woman says "Good afternoon, young man. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper says, ma'am, I pulled you over because you were speeding....

The truth about oil drilling

The system is rigged

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Sex in the middle of the highway!?

As the trucker came down the hill with a fully-loaded rig, he spied a man and a woman having sex right in the middle of the highway!


He blew his air horn, but they didn't move, so he slammed on the brakes, stopping mere inches from them.


Furious, he yelled from his cab, "Are ...

Trump did great, but...

...imagine how much he would have won by if Clinton hadn't rigged the election.

I once cut my arm severely by saving children from a burning building.

As the building was coming down on top of us I dived out of the second story window with 2 baby girls in each arm. We landed safely but a shard of glass had cut my arm deeply from jumping. I handed off the babies to nearby fire fighters and started jogging to the nearest hospital. It was bleeding he...

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I took a dirt road to avoid a weigh station last week.

I drove my rig up a hill and around a sharp curve. As I started down a steep hill, I saw an old man and a young girl screwing in the middle of the dirt road.

I came to a screeching halt within inches of the old man's ass. I got out of my rig to see if they were OK, and ask why they didn't mo...

Donald Trump Was Right About Two Things

1. That every poll which showed him inevitably losing were incorrect

and

2. That the results were rigged

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What do viagra and China have in common?

Rigged erections

A Frenchman, an American, and a blond get captured by a group of terrorists

The terrorists explain that they will be generous and allow the prisoners to choose their own method of execution.

The Frenchman is up first. He says "I am French and wish to stick with my heritage! I choose the guillotine!" They set up a guillotine and SLAM goes the blade. His head falls in ...

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A sleazy stripper runs for governor

After a controversial ballot, the stripper wins despite never having a lead the whole race. Many people suspect they rigged the erection.

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So there’s this guy, and it’s his first time in New York..

..and like any tourist in New York for the first time, he wants to do something special. Memorable.

So he decides to go to the top of the World Trade Center (this is an older joke) to this famous bar to have a couple of beers and check out what must surely be, a gorgeous view.

As soon ...

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HIGHLY TRAINED MONKEYS

A guy walks into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, an engineer from the local airport walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a Line Service Monkey, please."

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey...

I remember how my uncle died..

Driving an 18 wheeler rig down a long, icy road in the pitch black with no working headlights. He swerved and suddenly BAM!

Cancer.

I went up north to drill oil, didn't get payed

Turns out, it was all rigged.

What is Hillary's newest election slogan?

"Rigged, for her pleasure."

Did you hear ISIS blew up their first Italian recruit in a suicide bombing today?

They decided to rig a Tony

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Jungle Bunny

There's a rabbit walking through the jungle, and he comes upon a monkey and the monkey's rolling a joint.
The rabbit says, "Hey, monkey, I love you, man, don't smoke that stuff. Enjoy life with me and come through the woods."
So the monkey follows. They're walking through the woods and they se...

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My go-to joke

Seamus is out walking with his grandson Angus, and he says "Angus, your da told me to give you a little talk about legacy. Ya got to be careful with what you do in life, because it'll stick with ya"

"You see that bridge over there? I cut every stone down in the quarry, lugged them up to to th...

And actor, a director and a writer walk into a bar.

A director, an actor and a writer walk into a bar.

A sign hanging over the bar proclaims an amateur bull-fighting tournament; where a winner can walk away with a load of gold.

The director races to the bullring, confident in winning the bullion. He sets up lights all over the ring and ...

That is one Fantastic Pig!

So a traveling salesman driving through the countryside notices a pig out in the field with three wooden legs. He pulls in and drives to the house where he finds the aging farmer at work in the yard.
He tells the farmer that he noticed the pig and he was wondering about it. The farmer puffs up pr...

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A romantic dinner.

Simon and his wife Mary had been going through a rough patch in their relationship. Their anniversary was approaching and Simon decided he would be romantic and make a home cooked meal complete with wine and candles.

The day of their anniversary Mary is in work and Simon decides its time to ...

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