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Prime Jokes

Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
<...
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CEO of IKEA is now the Prime Minister of Sweden

He is currently assembling his cabinet.
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What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they get
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What did Optimus Prime say when he came back from Ikea?

Autobots, assemble!


(edit : a big ♥ to all the kind people who made this silly post live despite the fact I mix up Autobots and Avengers. Long live the Autovengers!)
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rapist and a therapist are prime suspects in a case. Who went to jail?

Therapist

I’m unhappy with prime day

Amazon Prime day is on the 21st. I personally would not partake of Prime day unless it were on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, or 31st
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The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.

Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.
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I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it’s Trudeau.

Update 1: There are some rumours that are Justin.
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'2' managed to be prime,

Against all the odds.
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I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?
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I just heard that the Swedish prime minister quit after just a few hours

And I thought I was the only one who couldn't put together a Swedish cabinet.
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When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.

It’s Trudeau.
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I went on a spirit journey, and learned my ancestral guide is Optimus Prime.

It was an Autobot-y experience.
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People say Canada's Prime Minister is a joke

I can't disagree, so to that I say, "that's true doe."
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Some people say the Canadian prime minister does not like dressing up like a black person.

But it's Trudeau.
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When my son learned about prime numbers, he told me that the Pledge of Allegiance would be better if we added three more states

Because 53 is indivisible.
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In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.
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The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.

No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
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What kind of shoes does Optimus Prime wear?

Truck Taylors
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My girlfriend from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.
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Optimus Prime is at home, watching TV, when his power goes out.

Frustrated, he calls the electrical company, and they have someone sent over. As he goes to ask the lineman what's going on, he notices that his jaw won't move, so he goes to get some motor oil to lubricate his jaws.

10 minutes later, he arrives back at his house, his mouth full of motor oil....
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The British Prime Minister resigned today.

I guess the people lost their Truss.
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When I heard this morning that the Prime Minister of Canada is separating from his wife, I couldn’t believe it.

Turns out…it was Trudeau.
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I told a joke to Optimus Prime at Universal the other day, and I was arrested.

Apparently they frown upon
Vehicular man’s laughter.
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4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.
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Why is it easier to pick a prime minister than any other leader?

Because there's only 2 factors involved.
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King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.
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I was sitting at the bar arranging peanuts into piles of 1, 3, 5 and 7.

The bartender asked me if I was trying to set up some odd joke. I told him “No, but I would have done that in my prime.”
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Putin decreed that all time zones in Russia be unified.

After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him.

*"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."*

*"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday...
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You might not agree with or even believe the claims of the Canadian prime minister

It's Trudau.
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A Prime Rib, A Baked Potato, and a Garden Salad walk into a bar...

The bartender snaps his head away from the newspaper and yells, "Beat it, guys!" "We don't serve food!"
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Why do Amazon Prime drivers make terrible comedians?

Because their delivery takes two days.
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I heard the Prime Minister of Canada's middle name is Kaesits.

I can't verify this, but I'm still sharing it Justin Kaesits Trudeau.
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Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl...
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...
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What did Optimus Prime do when his dishwasher blew a transformer?

He filed for divorce.
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Austria’s Prime minister...

... and his minister of health were sitting in a restaurant and laughing out loud. A guest comes by and asks: “Why are you laughing that hard?”
The PM replies: “We are planning the next lockdown!”
Guest: “And that’s so funny?”
PM: “Yes…”
Guest: “What are you planning to do?”
PM: “We w...
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If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”
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What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.
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Why is Optimus Prime worthless?

The derivative at the maximum = 0
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks:

'Dad, what's Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will...

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Prime Minister's Wife Makes a Faux Pas

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and ...

Yeah, it's a math joke

17: Hey 11, want to hear a joke?

11: Sure.

17: What did one prime number say to the other prime number?

11: I give up.

17: "I can't even."

11 and 17 together: HAHAHA!!!!!

2: I don't get it.
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How many prime ministers does it take to rejoin the EU?

apparently more than 3.
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I wanted to tell a joke about amazon prime

But I'd probably just fuck up the delivery

Netflix and Amazon Prime are no longer available in Afghanistan.

Because of the telly ban.
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Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...
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I once received oral sex from a former Serbian Prime Minister.

He slobbered on my losevic.

What did Optimus Prime say when Bumblebee said "Nice shoes!"

Thanks, they're Vans.
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2 is the only even prime number.

It's kind of odd, isn't it?
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[Long] An old joke but a good one:

Four people are on a plane: the pope, the president of the United States, the prime minister of the UK and a schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and the pilot informs them that there is only three parachutes available.

The prime minister says:

“I need a parachute, I’ve got to keep r...
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A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...
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What is prime time?

What optimus yells right before a SmackDown
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Optimus Prime: Autobots, roll out!

Pessimus Prime: Why? We’ll just lose...
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what do the UK Prime Minister and the former US president have in common?

One is Boris Johnson, the other is a boorish "johnson"
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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

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Once a king asked his prime minister to seek for men that don't fear their wife.

The minister immediately announced in the kingdom that any man who don't fear his wife come to the booth in the town square and take a black or a white horse and those who fear their wife can take a cake for their missus.

Hoards of men came but no one mustered courage enough to take the hors...

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Amazon Prime X

The other day, I was browsing Amazon. I love popcorn and had found this incredible, stainless steel popcorn machine. I already have Amazon prime so it's quick and it's free shipping.

At the checkout, there is an upgrade button. Curious, I wanted to see what it was since I already have Amazon ...

The prime Minister of Israel invited the Pope to a game of golf,

And since the Pope had no idea how to play, he convened the College of Cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Jack Nicklaus," they suggested, "and let him play in your place. Tell the Prime Minister that you're sick or something."

Honored by His Holiness's request, Nicklaus agreed to represent ...
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Why do British hate the Prime numbers?

Because they can't be divided
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What did the Prime Minister see when they looked in the mirror?

A Member of Parliament
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Math joke : Should you say "All prime numbers are odd except one",

or "All prime numbers are odd except two ?"
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My friend asked me what I got on prime day..

I answered "a bunch of pictures of dogs"
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The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...
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Why does Optimus Prime lead orchestras in his free time?

Because he is a semiconductor
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Buckingham Palace say the Queen will interrupt her annual stay in Balmoral in Scotland to hold an audience with the incoming new prime minister.

Creaking a bit, with limited mobility, but still doggedly in charge, the Tory party gets its new leader on September 5th.
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“Did you know that two is the first odd prime?”

“But two is even.”

“That’s what’s so odd about it.”
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Prime Ministers Day

I was eating breakfast with my teenage daughter and I asked her,

"What special day is it in Canada tomorrow?" .

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Prime Minister's Day!" .

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Prime Minister's Day mean?" .

I was waiting for somethin...

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...
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I'm gonna assassinate the prime Minister and I need help from you guys

Shoot me a pm if interested
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Menachem Begin (the sixth Prime Minister of Israel) walks into a bar,

and to his amazement just down the end, talking to the bar-tender is no one but Adolf Hitler himself. Well Begin thought to himself, this is my chance to find out what makes this guy tick.

So he goes up to him and says, “Hitler, what the hell you doing here?”

Hitler looks over at Mena...

Everyone's too afraid to say it... but 13yo is the prime age

other prime ages are 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, ...
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UK PRIME MINISTER:What do we want?

UK GOVERNMENT: BREXIT
UK PRIME MINISTER: When do we want it?
UK GOVERNMENT: NEVER!!!
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Simeon Saxe-Coburg-Gotha's cabinet became sick during his time as Prime Minister in 2003

It was the SARS cabinet.
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A foreign country's leader was cooking a small pot of prime ribs

While cooking, he stirred the pot. It was a prime mini stir
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What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River?

The Amazon River actually has sails.
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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

The Prime Minister's speech writer has resigned.

He's speechless.
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So I just ordered some pills from Amazon Prime to help sex go faster.

Came real quick.

What does Optmius Prime's giggling sound like?

Like a vehicular man's laughter.
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When I was younger, I was told my Prime would come at around 26 or 27 years old.

They lied though, I'm 28 and still can't afford my own account.
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There has been a lot of fake news going on about the Camadian prime minister lately

Some of it is Trudeau
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Benjamin Netanyahu, the prime minister of Israel, Narendra Modi, the prime minister of India, and Donald Trump from America, are driving together to a conference...

...when their car breaks down and they are forced to spend the night at a small motel.

”I’m sorry,” says the clerk, ”but we have only one room left and it’s a double. But one of you can
sleep in the barn. We will make it comfortable.”

”No problem,” says Narendra Modi, ”I will sleep ...
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What did Optimus Prime say after hauling his new Ikea coffee table into the house?

Autobots assemble!

(Writing credit to u/Apollonius_Cone)
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Headline news say British Prime Minister Theresa May Resign...

She is so indecisive that she can’t even make up her mind about resignation.
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What's the square root of optimus prime?

I'm not sure, but it's more than meets the eye.
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Great Britains new Prime Minister

Did you see that Boris Johnson might be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain? I remember when the U.S. had a BJ in the top office!
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The Australian Prime Minister walks into a bar.

He wanders over to the bartender and... wait, he's not the Prime Minister anymore. The joke doesn't work now. Sorry guys.
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Why did the prime minister think that Australia was save from the virus?

They got new fire walls last year.
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[OC] How many UK Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?

Who knows, they're never in office long enough to be able to do so.
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At my prime I was A Beast.

Today I'm merely Obese.
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What do you call a Prime Minister who spies on all your activities?

Justin Truding.

hehe.
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The queen asked the visiting Indian Prime Minister, "I hear Indian politicians are notoriously corupt and wealthy"

"Quite so," he said, "but none so brazen as to wear their loot on their head".
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Optimus Prime and Bumblebee are in first day of kindergarten.

Optimus (in his deep voice) : Hi, I'm Optimus Prime. What's your name?

Teacher : Be silent!!!!!

Bumblebee : umleee
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