Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks


" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and...

CEO of IKEA is now the Prime Minister of Sweden

He is currently assembling his cabinet.

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

I’m unhappy with prime day

Amazon Prime day is on the 21st. I personally would not partake of Prime day unless it were on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, or 31st

Netflix and Amazon Prime are no longer available in Afghanistan.

Because of the telly ban.

You may not believe me when I say that Trump isn't the Prime Minister of Canada

It's Trudeau.

Simeon Saxe-Coburg-Gotha's cabinet became sick during his time as Prime Minister in 2003

It was the SARS cabinet.

When I was younger, I was told my Prime would come at around 26 or 27 years old.

They lied though, I'm 28 and still can't afford my own account.

It is a crime to tell a joke to Optimus Prime.

You might be charged with Vehicular Man’s Laughter.

What did Optimus Prime say when Bumblebee said "Nice shoes!"

Thanks, they're Vans.

The weirdest thing happened today when I visited an American prime time tv studio. There was a blocked off zone guarded by police with signs saying “no comedians allowed, untalented people only”.

I was surprised to see they’d Cordened off the area.

Austria’s Prime minister...

... and his minister of health were sitting in a restaurant and laughing out loud. A guest comes by and asks: “Why are you laughing that hard?”
The PM replies: “We are planning the next lockdown!”
Guest: “And that’s so funny?”
PM: “Yes…”
Guest: “What are you planning to do?”
PM: “We w...

The prime Minister of Israel invited the Pope to a game of golf,

And since the Pope had no idea how to play, he convened the College of Cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Jack Nicklaus," they suggested, "and let him play in your place. Tell the Prime Minister that you're sick or something."

Honored by His Holiness's request, Nicklaus agreed to represent ...

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

Why is Optimus Prime worthless?

The derivative at the maximum = 0

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prime Minister's Wife Makes a Faux Pas

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and ...

Optimus Prime, in full on robot battle, wondering how the decepticons keep figuring out his next moves before he makes them

only to look down and see that his blinker was on the entire time.

When you suddenly get the feeling all of your Amazon wishlist items are in stock

You transform into Optimist Prime.

What did the Prime Minister see when they looked in the mirror?

A Member of Parliament

4, 6, 8 & 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 & 11 are the prime suspects.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was primed for revenge, and odds had to be evened.

What did Optimus Prime say after hauling his new Ikea coffee table into the house?

Autobots assemble!

(Writing credit to u/Apollonius_Cone)

Everyone's too afraid to say it... but 13yo is the prime age

other prime ages are 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to tell a joke about amazon prime

But I'd probably just fuck up the delivery

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.

No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I just ordered some pills from Amazon Prime to help sex go faster.

Came real quick.

Why does Optimus Prime lead orchestras in his free time?

Because he is a semiconductor

A foreign country's leader was cooking a small pot of prime ribs

While cooking, he stirred the pot. It was a prime mini stir

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

What do you call it when an Amazon driver swerves out of the way of a pedestrian in Houston?

Prime Texas steer

There has been a lot of fake news going on about the Camadian prime minister lately

Some of it is Trudeau

TIL: of mathematician Katherine Johnson who died at 101 years old

She was in her prime.

A politician finds a magic lamp, rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie says “I shall grant you any wish you ask, on the condition that when I ask, you set me free and when I ask you acknowledge my part in your wish.”

The politician agrees and after much consideration, he wishes that his lies and exaggerations would come true.

He holds a press c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Menachem Begin (the sixth Prime Minister of Israel) walks into a bar,

and to his amazement just down the end, talking to the bar-tender is no one but Adolf Hitler himself. Well Begin thought to himself, this is my chance to find out what makes this guy tick.

So he goes up to him and says, “Hitler, what the hell you doing here?”

Hitler looks over at Mena...

“Did you know that two is the first odd prime?”

“But two is even.”

“That’s what’s so odd about it.”

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Indian student in USA(NSFW)

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said: "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Ch...

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they get

My 6 year old is coming up with dad jokes: What do you call Optimus Prime if he gets a tick?

Optimis-tick

I'm gonna assassinate the prime Minister and I need help from you guys

Shoot me a pm if interested

Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English training before he visited Washington to meet president Barack Obama

The instructor told Prime Minister Mori, '"When you shake hands with President Obama, please ask 'How are you?'. Then Mr. Obama will say, 'I am fine and you?'. Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards, we translators, will do the work for you."

It looked quite simple but when Mori met Obama,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer gets a new case

A police officer is minding his own business when his partner drops a case on his desk. His partner says "Leonid, a dance studio is running a drug operation, clear as day, open and shut case". Leonid has had a long day but is excited because open and shut cases don't happen often around this precin...

I could never be Prime Minister. Imagine the thousands of people below you, looking to you for inspiration.





It's like being a great grandfather in a Muslim family

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

My college roommate was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what he is up to now.

'2' managed to be prime,

Against all the odds.

I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it’s Trudeau.

Update 1: There are some rumours that are Justin.

I went on a spirit journey, and learned my ancestral guide is Optimus Prime.

It was an Autobot-y experience.

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.

Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pepper, the pickle, and the penis

Commiserating together at the bar are a pepper, a pickle, and a penis.

The pepper says, “Nobody understands the hell I’ve been through. When you’re a pepper, they take you in the prime of your life and throw you on a hot, tin roof to suffer in the sun until you’re a husk of your former self.”...

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an a...

Math joke : Should you say "All prime numbers are odd except one",

or "All prime numbers are odd except two ?"

Some people say the Canadian prime minister does not like dressing up like a black person.

But it's Trudeau.

Why did the prime minister think that Australia was save from the virus?

They got new fire walls last year.

Why do British hate the Prime numbers?

Because they can't be divided

I told my friend that the current prime minister of Canada is Donald Trump

It's not Tru, deau.

Jeff Bezos stepped down as CEO of Amazon.

Quit when he was in his Prime.

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

What do you call a Prime Minister who spies on all your activities?

Justin Truding.

hehe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.

The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.

Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.

"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred si...

[OC] How many UK Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?

Who knows, they're never in office long enough to be able to do so.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It just struck me that in British slang the US President's surname means "Fart" and in US slang the British prime minister's surname means "Penis"



I can't wait to tell the wife. She'll laugh her Merkel off.

Jeff Bezos is no longer the President of Amazon.

But he's still the Prime Minister.

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

A tribal artisan approache Mr. Narendra Modi, Prime minister of India with a proposal

Artisan : Mr. PM, Can I make a statue of yours in my tribal style?

PM: Ok, Please go ahead.

Artisan: Will I get any remuneration?

PM: I will give you 100,000 Indian Rupees for it.

Artisan was so happy, he worked hard and made a very beautiful statue of PM.

PM was v...

You wouldn't think that the Canadian prime minister's wife could get the coronavirus...

It's Trudeau.

The President of the United States is going to debate the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Nobody's sure who's going to win.

Trump may trump May, May may trump Trump.

r/wordavalanches

What do Amazon Prime and a fanfiction website have in common?

Free shipping!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad went to his girlfriends house for the first time when he was in college...

It was thanksgiving dinner, and he had been invited over since they had been dating for well over two years. In the middle of the meal, he felt a fart brewing. Hoping it wouldn’t be a sphincter-symphony, he lifted a cheek and slowly let it out. To his dismay, it was audible (though more of a piccolo...

A cow and a cat are chatting in a field...

...and ultimately don't quite come to agreement on the topic of discussion.

The cat walks off smarmily and says, "Well, see you later, prime rib."

And the cow replies, "Yep, see you later, Kung Pao Chicken."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

If Optimus Prime were to write a memoir about his life, it would be an

autobotography

What do you call a lying robot with a positive outlook?

Optimist prime the deception-con

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

People say Canada's Prime Minister is a joke

I can't disagree, so to that I say, "that's true doe."

Mr Trump was invited to visit a poor African country.

A soccer match was arranged between two local teams in honour of Trump's visit. During the match, the Prime Minister of the country explained about the poverty his country was facing. Trump listened intently and said

"Mr PM, I've seen enough and I fully understand the extent of the poverty yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best way to vaccinate the masses

Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it.
Everyone will have it by Saturday.
Thursday if you have Prime.

A chinese pot, an establishment for drinks and accommodation, a prime number, and former senator Abraham Ribicoff ...

Wok inn 2 Abe R.

UK PRIME MINISTER:What do we want?

UK GOVERNMENT: BREXIT
UK PRIME MINISTER: When do we want it?
UK GOVERNMENT: NEVER!!!

What's the name of Optimus Prime's brother who lives in South American jungle?

Amazon Prime.

My friend asked me what I got on prime day..

I answered "a bunch of pictures of dogs"

When my son learned about prime numbers, he told me that the Pledge of Allegiance would be better if we added three more states

Because 53 is indivisible.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

What transformer is made out of cardboard and shows up in two days?

Amazon prime

Mathematicians, physicists, and engineers have determined all odds are primes...

The mathematician says, "Excluding 1, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime... proof by induction, all odds are prime"

The physicist says, "Excluding 1, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is experimental error, 11 is prime... all odds are prime"

The engineer says, "1 is is prime, 3 is...

If Britain lost the second World War...

Would the Prime Minister be known as Loseton Churchill?

Optimus Prime: Autobots, roll out!

Pessimus Prime: Why? We’ll just lose...

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

Sansa: Hey, so I really like this cute top I saw on Amazon and want it to be delivered through Prime ASAP. What shipping speed shall I select?

Arya: Not two day.

Theresa May or Theresa May not be a Prime Minister in a couple of hours

I'll leave now

Did you know that Canada has a Prime Minister, not a President? You might think I’m making this up, but...

It’s Trudeau.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Japanese get horny when there's a new Prime Minister?

Because the whole country just had an Erection

What did 8 say to 4...?

I don’t know if this joke has been done before, English is not my native language, but I thought of this myself (I think)
Here it goes:

What did 8 say to 4 after her blind date with 3?
- Well, he seems to be in his prime, but he is also a little odd. I‘ve set you up on a blind date and ...

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