Elon Musk has launched a new cologne!

Space-Axe Body Spray™

Everyone is trying to interview the astronauts to see how they feel about their launch being delayed.

I just wish they'd give those guys some space.

We are launching a Food App that will help you lose your weight

You'll order but we won't deliver.

A brand new car is being launched in Portugal, which includes space in the boot for a child.

It's called the Renault McCann

Satchmo: "My trumpet is very handy. It tells me what time it is." Sanborn: "Seriously?" Satchmo launches into a jazzy riff.

Immediately, the occupant of the apartment next door bangs on the wall and hollers, "Hey, pipe down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"

Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds...

And I’m proud to say that I managed to hit one of the little brats!

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A group of protesters have been using catapults to launch cow dung at recently erected wind turbines

They've missed every shot so far, but I have a feeling that if they manage to topple one it will be big news, and we'll all remember this day, saying,

"Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

An astronaut scheduled for a launch to the space station thought the world was starting to get too chaotic, so he brought a computer keyboard with him on his trip

Now everything is back under control.

^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry.

Hooters is launching a new delivery service.

They're calling it 'knockers'.

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So there I was sat in my van

I had kept the house under surveillance for about an hour. Then there was movement at the front door. I hunched down as much as I could in the van so the woman wouldn’t see me. As she walked up the road and turned the corner I slowly, carefully exited the van. I crossed the road, nervously, aware th...

A snail walks into a car dealership...

A snail walks into a car dealership. The snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing multiple brands he decides on one.

The rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships salesman and says "I want you to paint big S's all along this car, big S's on the front, t...

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A man suspect his wife that she might be deaf

She is not responding to his words
So he decided to test her hearing
He entered the Kitchen where she were making launch, he stood near the door, shouted: honey what's the launch? No response from the wife, he gets closer, honey, WHAT is the launch!
No response, get closer and closer HONEY,...

An old Soviet anecdote [WARNING: GORE]

A chief talks to his tribe:

— Are we the greatest tribe?

Entire tribe shouts:

— YES!!!

— Then we need our own nuclear bomb and a rocket to carry it!

— YES!!!

— Let's build them then.

The tribe chopped down the thickest and tallest tree in the forest, ...

Blonde Construction Worker

Every day, three construction workers, one Mexican, one Italian, and one blonde, climb up to the highest steel girder in the building that they are all working on and eat their lunch.

One day, the Mexican worker opens up his lunchbox and sees that yet again his wife has packed him bean burrit...

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The tale of how I was Knighted by the Queen

For as long as I can remember, I have had the ability to do these mind-blowing poses as I ejaculate. I became so famous for this ability, that I was asked to perform for the Queen. Needless to say, I was incredibly honoured and excited! And a bit nervous. So they flew me out to England and I was pra...

Amazon is launching a new personal assistant for people suffering from depression.

They are calling it Alexa Pro.

In the year 2045 Elon is tired of importing ice-cream from Earth to the Martian colonies.

The next day he puts a group of dairy cows on a rocket to Mars.

But inter-planetary customs officers make him hold the rocket in orbit while they inspect the cows. Earth leaders don't want to lose the tax revenue from exporting ice-cream and are looking for a reason to reposes his cattle. ...

A farmer has 3 bulls and 200 cows

One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows.

One day the farmer gets another bull.

The large bull says, “I don’t care how big he is, he’s not getting a single one of my cows.” The medium...

Why was the crash test dummy put in charge of the nuclear launch codes?

They are great at demonstrating restraints.

Potatoes in space

So Russia decided to launch a satellite full of potatoes into orbit to see what would happen.
Apparently it’s called the SPUNDnic

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A bus full of nuns is driving through the Italian Alps...

When all of a sudden the driver misses a turn and the bus is launched of the edge of the cliff, rolls down the side of the mountain and explodes in a spectacular ball of flames.

A few moments later, St. Peter, who was expecting an easy day, found himself faced with 50 newly deceased and quite...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus in a tank

The man says to the bartender “I bet my octopus can play any instrument. If I win, I get free drinks all night. What do you say?” The bartender agrees. “Take him over to the piano. We’ll see how good this octopus really is.” The man walks over to the piano, lets the octopus out of the tank, and the ...

I'm launching a pirating website.

It has two games: a treasure hunting game called "X Marrrrrrks the Spot" and a naval warfare game called "Take No Prisonerrrrrrs." It also has lots of free movies you can download and watch.

All the movies have 3.14 stars.

A guy and his girlfriend are in a sportscar...

...the guy is doing daredevil stunts to impress her.
She turns to him, and says, "If you can go over 150 mph, I'll take off all of my clothes."
The guy obliges, and the car speeds down the road at 175mph, so the girlfriend tears all of her clothes off.

The guy loses control of the car...

Elon Musk launched a cow to the moon. It landed so hard that a quarter of the moon got annihilated.

Moo.

They launched a ride share app for witches...

It's called BroomService

At work they gave us cookies to remember the Apollo 11 launch.

I can't wait for the Apollo 1 memorial BBQ!

Ted Kaczynski was a philanthropist.

He launched a letter-writing campaign to support Borders Without Doctors.

Victoria's Secret has launched a revolutionary new bra, "Croatia"

..it has lot's of support but no cup

A baby turtle...

...was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.


About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, d...

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Frenchman in Morocco

A Frenchman seeking some thrills travels to Morocco and decides to go bungee jumping off the top of mosques. As he bounces back into the air, all of the passerby in Morocco are in awe and one Moroccan passerby decides that he wants to try it himself.

He finds the Frenchman at a nearby cafe a...

Canada just announced that they are launching their first manned space shuttle next year.

They are calling it the Apollo-G.

The President invites the Pope to lunch on his boat...

The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind

blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down
and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling

to launch a boat to go g...

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[nsfw] When HBO launches a show they trademark all the possible porn names. They now own...

“Game of bones”, “Dothraki Bukaki”, “Ass High in the shadow” and of course “Two Cleganes one Bowl”

Since this year they launched the iPhone 8/X

We'll probably get to see 9/11 next year

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Little Johnny is late to school one day.

When he finally enters the class huffing and puffing, the teacher says curtly, "Little Johnny, you're almost an hour late for school. Would you please tell your classmates why you're late today, and why your time is more precious than all of ours?"

Little Johnny can't believe the teacher has ...

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Life Alert and Viagra launch a joint marketing campaign

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get it up!"

Did you hear about the manned rocket that crashed shortly after launching from Alabama?

All the system warnings went off, but for some reason the pilot could not abort.

What’s the difference between outer space and a Palestinian child?

Less rockets were launched into space.

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An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

To celebrate the launch of the new website we are offering one lucky winner $50 in cash or a meal for 2 at an Elvis Presley tribute.

Just comment '1' for the money or '2' for the show.

What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?

The wrong firework.

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

After Peter Jackson’s successful launch of World War 1 documentary They Will Not Grow, George Lucas has announced he is making a documentary of World War 2 with remastered footage.

Spoiler: France invades first.

To celebrate Shakespeare's birthday this year, McDonalds are launching a new burger...

...called the McBeth.

Disney just launched a Mt. Everest attraction.

You wait in line, then die.

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What's the difference between EA and North Korea?

North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as EA

If Canada launched a space shuttle, what would it be called?

Apollo G

What do you call a potato that has been launched into space?

The Spudnik

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I think that the nuclear launch codes should be kept in the hands of women, and those codes should also represent the number of sexual partners they have had.

That way they will never give up the real numbers under any circumstances.

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So this redneck is walking in the park when he sees his friend Joe.

Joe is crying his eyes out so the redneck walks up and says why are you crying. And Joe is like, my father died. And the redneck starts weeping bitter tears himself and he is like omg I'm so sorry how did he die.

And so Joe says, my father fell asleep on his armchair while the fire in the hea...

They have launched a new marijuana app up here in Canada, but it is very annoying.

It keeps sending you kush notifications.

Trump launch a military campaign against Syria

Operation Desert Stormy

How to become a millionaire?

Be a billionaire and launch a new airline.

(Richard Branson)

Putin calls the head of a Russian space program to his office:

*Putin* - We need to increase prestige of motherland! Send a man to the Sun!
*Head of space program* - Ummm, but Sun is a star mine president... it’s burning and they will burn to death there!
*Putin* - Do you think I’m an idiot?! Launch them at night!

A Young Pastor Had Prepared a Long and Passionate Sermon for his New Congregation

But the night before he was to deliver this sermon, the town was hit by a big blizzard, and the roads were icy and impassable. In fact, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the church that Sunday morning. The pastor said, "I guess we won't have a service today."

The farmer replied: "Wh...

Two submarines are trying to win a competition

Each one of them has to try and hit objects that are smaller and smaller in size.

Every day they choose an object in the ocean, and declare that the objective before trying to hit it:

*"Today we'll hit that sunken ship"* and off they go.

Then it's the other team's turn: ...

North Korea's launch code

↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

So SpaceX is launching the Falcon Heavy Today...

Too bad it isn't carrying the stock market.

Despite Putin's recent crackdowns, a new streaming service for banned movies has launched in Russia.

It's called Nyetflix.

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What Scientology and Trump have in common?

Both of them were very successfull launching a cult by talking crazy shit about aliens

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

A new line of Samsung washing machines was launched today

16 injured

What did fruit loops say when launching their product to compete with cheerios?

Toucan play at that game

To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election!

It's called President Evil.

North Korean launches keep getting better and better

Heck, they even made it to the front page today!

One little boy has never said a word

At first his parents were concerned, but no doctor could find any problem.

One day at launch boy says:
"There is too much salt in my soup"
His parents are shocked:
"You can speak?! Why didn't you ever said anythink?"


"Because up until now everything was ok"

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We don't have to worry about Trump having the nuclear launch codes.

His hands are too small to push the button.

Breaking News : Apple soon to launch their cars.

with no windows though.

How do they launch a champagne factory?

They throw a boat at it.

Pakistan launches a rocket to Moon.

Pakistani News channel reports: "Water and fishes found on Moon."


BBC reports: "Pakistani satellite found in Arab sea."

By launching a Tesla to Mars Space X has accomplished the primary goal of the Boring Company.

Avoiding LA traffic!

Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a martini.

The bartender immediately launches in a long bizarre story about a rooster his parents owned as a child. "What's with the story about the chicken?" the exasperated guy asks. "Oh, I'm sorry," the bartender apologizes. "I thought you asked for a cock tale."

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What's the name of NASA's launch button?

The "Space Bar"

How many Syrians does it take to launch a missle?

Two. One to launch it, and one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.

Two American astronauts are launched to Mars.

Two American astronauts are launched to Mars. When they reach the Martian surface they see a beautiful red-skinned, red-haired woman. Using their language-translation machine, they tell her they are from Earth. They see she is stirring a big pot, and every now and then she pulls a newborn baby from ...

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Don't keep the officer waiting!

So this police officer is nearing the end of his shift and really pissed that he hasn't caught anyone up to this point. As he sits in his car and looks at the clock, this speeding car flies by so fast that the police cruiser rocks back and forth. The police officer turns on his lights, hits the acce...

What is the difference between the American Revolutionary War and several cows being launched into space?

One was the shot heard around the world and the other is a herd shot around the world.

Aliens and Western Classical Music

In 1977 Nasa launched the Voyager Spacecraft into space. The spacecraft contained multiple pieces of music, among other things, including J. S. Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No. 2. It's likely that extra-terrestrial life will have developed a fondness of German Classical music and will one day come to...

How do you summon a daemon?

$ sudo launchctl load -w /System/Library/LaunchDaemons/ssh.plist

I think I'm starting to see why it's a bad idea to give Trump access to nuclear launch codes...

He'll just fire them

So, have you guys heard of a chicken cannon?

Used by US Federal Aviation Administration, it's a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.



The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crac...

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Going to Hell [Long]

The evil man arrived in Hell and was immediately greeted by his Eternal Assignment Demon. They walked down a dank hallway until they came upon a door. “This is your first option of three for you to serve your eternal damnation. Behold.” The EAD slides the hatch on the door and the evil man (let’s ca...

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Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving

He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name.
“What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated.
“You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.”
“Re...

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Hellen of troy, the face that launched a thousand ships...

...And the ass that docked them.

Huawei denies spying accusations

The recently launched model 5PY-2020 sELECT it’s perfectly safe.

What do astronauts put on their sandwiches?

Launch meat

Why are astrophysicists always nervous before they launch a new satellite?

It can be a very Hubble-ing experience.

These jokes may not be funny for you, but they are Fermi.

A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.

"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver's hat and settled into the back row. The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech. Afterw...

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A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican...

A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican are travelling in a hot air balloon when it starts to rapidly lose altitude.

"Quick!" says the Scotsman, "We need to lose some weight, fast."

He throws his case of fine scotch whisky over the side.

"Why did you do that?" says the American. ...

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