UPJOKE
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Launch Jokes

I’ve decided to launch a brand new dating app exclusively for Palaeontologists……..

I’m going to call it ‘Carbon Dating’
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Book launch

Yesterday I launched a book aimed at 7 - 12 years Olds.

I can proudly say, I hit one of the little shits.

Victoria's Secret has launched a revolutionary new bra, "Croatia"

..it has lot's of support but no cup
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Captan Kirk & Today’s Shuttle Launch

If William Shatner really wanted to go “where no man had gone before”, He should have just used the associates bathroom At the Amazon distribution center.
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Since this year they launched the iPhone 8/X

We'll probably get to see 9/11 next year
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A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys

The Audi Partner.
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North Korea announced to have successfully landed a man on the Sun

During a live interview with Kim Jong-un, a reporter asked, "the Sun is very hot! How did you land a man?" Kim proudly replied, "we launch at night!"

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted while watching the live, "Haha what an idiot! There is no Sun at night!"
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Sylvester Stallone has launched a new range of cakes. I would highly recommend them.

They are the best thing since Sly's bread.
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Today SpaceX announced plans to launch several Guernsey cows into low earth orbit

They shall be known as "The Herd Shot Round The World."
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The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...
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NASA recently decided to launch Uranus into a black hole

Personally I don't think it's a good idea to be rubbing Uranus and Heranus together.

Tesla to launch a new Electric lawnmower

It will be called e-Lawn!
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OnlyFans launched a new step sibling content adult website...

They call it OnlyFams!
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Putin has started to launch missile attacks from submarines off the coast of an East African archipelago

He shells Seychelles by the seashore
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Why couldn't the rocket have a second launch date?

It had thrust issues
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Hummer is launching an EV,

Iron-E..
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Kim and Kanye’s kid launched a new perfume in her own name.

North—by North West.
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Apple wanted to launch a new product directed at children.

In retrospect, it was probably not the best idea to call it "iTouch Kids".
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Everyone is trying to interview the astronauts to see how they feel about their launch being delayed.

I just wish they'd give those guys some space.
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Netflix is launching in Russia, but with a very limited catalogue.

They're calling it Nyetflix.
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Elon Musk has launched a new cologne!

Space-Axe Body Spray™
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Mongols once launched a naval invasion on Java but failed....

They sucked at C
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What did the Chinese say to Genghis Khan before he launched his invasion?

"What are you doing, steppe bro!?"
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Our company just launched our latest dishwasher on the market,

Luckily, nobody was hurt!
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Facebook's launching its own cryptocurrency next year called Libra...

missed opportunity to call it zuck buck
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A new washing liquid has been launched

It is marketed as the Best Universal Grit Grime and Effluence Remover. So if Persil won't whiten it and Tide won't brighten it and Dash won't renew it - BUGGER it.

I'm launching a pirating website.

It has two games: a treasure hunting game called "X Marrrrrrks the Spot" and a naval warfare game called "Take No Prisonerrrrrrs." It also has lots of free movies you can download and watch.

All the movies have 3.14 stars.
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If Canada launched a space shuttle, what would it be called?

Apollo G
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Hooters is launching a new delivery service.

They're calling it 'knockers'.
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Trump launch a military campaign against Syria

Operation Desert Stormy
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What did fruit loops say when launching their product to compete with cheerios?

Toucan play at that game
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What's the name of NASA's launch button?

The "Space Bar"

How do they launch a champagne factory?

They throw a boat at it.
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At work they gave us cookies to remember the Apollo 11 launch.

I can't wait for the Apollo 1 memorial BBQ!
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I want to launch a book about constipation

But it didn’t come out yet.
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What's the difference between EA and North Korea?

North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as EA

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It was recently announced that on July 20th, Jeff Bezos and his brother will launch into space on one of his Blue Origin spacecraft

If nothing else, now they will know what it’s like to piss in a bottle

They launched a ride share app for witches...

It's called BroomService
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Disney just launched a Mt. Everest attraction.

You wait in line, then die.
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Why was the crash test dummy put in charge of the nuclear launch codes?

They are great at demonstrating restraints.
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A group of protesters have been using catapults to launch cow dung at recently erected wind turbines

They've missed every shot so far, but I have a feeling that if they manage to topple one it will be big news, and we'll all remember this day, saying,

"Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

We are launching a Food App that will help you lose your weight

You'll order but we won't deliver.
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How do NASA organize rocket launches

They planet
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Amazon is launching a new personal assistant for people suffering from depression.

They are calling it Alexa Pro.
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Breaking News : Apple soon to launch their cars.

with no windows though.
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Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.
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To celebrate Shakespeare's birthday this year, McDonalds are launching a new burger...

...called the McBeth.
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Did you hear the one about Jerry Lewis launching a line of clothes for frat boys?

He became a nutty 'bro dresser'
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When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal:

- Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million.
No one dared to move for awhile, and then suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.
With enormous luck came, taking everyone's admiration a...
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How many Syrians does it take to launch a missle?

Two. One to launch it, and one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.
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[nsfw] When HBO launches a show they trademark all the possible porn names. They now own...

“Game of bones”, “Dothraki Bukaki”, “Ass High in the shadow” and of course “Two Cleganes one Bowl”

North Korean launches keep getting better and better

Heck, they even made it to the front page today!
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Two American astronauts are launched to Mars.

Two American astronauts are launched to Mars. When they reach the Martian surface they see a beautiful red-skinned, red-haired woman. Using their language-translation machine, they tell her they are from Earth. They see she is stirring a big pot, and every now and then she pulls a newborn baby from ...
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We don't have to worry about Trump having the nuclear launch codes.

His hands are too small to push the button.

So SpaceX is launching the Falcon Heavy Today...

Too bad it isn't carrying the stock market.
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Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.
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What do you call a potato that has been launched into space?

The Spudnik
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NASA launches bovines into space

It was the herd shot round the world!
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A new line of Samsung washing machines was launched today

16 injured
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What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?

The wrong firework.
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To celebrate the launch of the new website we are offering one lucky winner $50 in cash or a meal for 2 at an Elvis Presley tribute.

Just comment '1' for the money or '2' for the show.
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Satchmo: "My trumpet is very handy. It tells me what time it is." Sanborn: "Seriously?" Satchmo launches into a jazzy riff.

Immediately, the occupant of the apartment next door bangs on the wall and hollers, "Hey, pipe down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"
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Hellen of troy, the face that launched a thousand ships...

...And the ass that docked them.

They have launched a new marijuana app up here in Canada, but it is very annoying.

It keeps sending you kush notifications.
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Despite Putin's recent crackdowns, a new streaming service for banned movies has launched in Russia.

It's called Nyetflix.
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Elon Musk launched a cow to the moon. It landed so hard that a quarter of the moon got annihilated.

Moo.
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What did Rudolph the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?

This will sleigh you.
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An astronaut scheduled for a launch to the space station thought the world was starting to get too chaotic, so he brought a computer keyboard with him on his trip

Now everything is back under control.

^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry.
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TLC launching new spin-off Josh Duggar retrospective series....

"15 and Mounting".
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Sting has launched his own range of aromatherapy oils.

They're a massage in a bottle
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I think I'm starting to see why it's a bad idea to give Trump access to nuclear launch codes...

He'll just fire them
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What is the difference between the American Revolutionary War and several cows being launched into space?

One was the shot heard around the world and the other is a herd shot around the world.
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Europeans have been testing aircraft engines against bird strikes for a long while, using a cannon which launched (deceased, obviously) chickens at the aeroplane.

Eventually, the Americans decided they needed to test their engines tbe same way. So they brought a device over and started testing. No matter how resilient they made the engines, they always failed. After months of testing, they gave up and sent for a European engineer to advise on what wad wrong.<...
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¾ of the A-Team have just launched a valiant rescue mission

I heard they were just trying to save Face after their last failure, though.
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What did the hungry missile say?

When is launch at?
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I think that the nuclear launch codes should be kept in the hands of women, and those codes should also represent the number of sexual partners they have had.

That way they will never give up the real numbers under any circumstances.

After Peter Jackson’s successful launch of World War 1 documentary They Will Not Grow, George Lucas has announced he is making a documentary of World War 2 with remastered footage.

Spoiler: France invades first.
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milliHelen.

The amount of beauty required to launch a single ship.
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What do you call a giraffe’s birthday?

A launch date.
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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

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A man suspect his wife that she might be deaf

She is not responding to his words
So he decided to test her hearing
He entered the Kitchen where she were making launch, he stood near the door, shouted: honey what's the launch? No response from the wife, he gets closer, honey, WHAT is the launch!
No response, get closer and closer HONEY,...

The Mafia have decided to get into online crime to keep upto date.

They have just launched a new App called Pay-Up-Pal.
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The Malaysian Space Program

One day, the Malaysians decided to launch their first space program and to send a man in a rocket out into space. Since they recognised that this was a dangerous journey, they decided to ask their final three candidates, an Indian, a Malay and a Chinese man, how much of a bonus would they need to gi...
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When do astronauts eat?

At launch time.
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An American, Brit and Finn sit at the pub

The American says: “our Air Force is so mighty that if we launch all of our airplanes into the sky, you won’t even see the sun!”

Everyone around looks impressed, agrees that the US Air Force is indeed mighty.

The Brit says: “our navy is so mighty that if we’d line up all of our vessels...

When they ask you "why is University so expensive?"..

The intent is to provide students with a sense of pride and accomplishment for completing different courses.

As for cost, we selected initial values based upon data from the Open Beta and other adjustments made to milestone rewards before launch. Among other things, we're looking at average...
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Railroad tracks, a horses ass... and rockets! [Long]

The US standard railroad gauge (the distance between two rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches... an exceedingly odd number.


Why was that gauge used?

Because a number of the early railroad lines in the US were built to fit standard-gauge locomotives manufactured by English railroad pioneer G...

A gorgeous blonde is trying to board a city bus...

but her dress is so tight, it won't allow her to lift her leg high enough to reach the first step. She reaches back and unzips the dress a few inches to allow more flexibility. She tries again, but it still isn't enough. She unzips a little more, starting to worry that she'll give the people behind ...
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Breaking news

Italy is planning to launch 2 new communications satellites in the next year.

They're named Data-1 and Dissa-1.
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Captain Kirk Clothing

The actor who played Captain Kirk tried to launch his own brand of trousers but they didn't sell very well.

For some reason, people just didn't want to buy Shatner Pants.
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