Captan Kirk & Today’s Shuttle Launch

If William Shatner really wanted to go “where no man had gone before”, He should have just used the associates bathroom At the Amazon distribution center.

Scottish Sutherland Vertical Launch facility will not launch manned flights.

Their afraid the astronauts might get kilt.

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

Netflix is launching in Russia, but with a very limited catalogue.

They're calling it Nyetflix.

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Last week I launched a book aimed at 9 to 12 year olds.

I'm proud to say I hit one of the little shits.

Why couldn't the rocket have a second launch date?

It had thrust issues

Mongols once launched a naval invasion on Java but failed....

They sucked at C

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It was recently announced that on July 20th, Jeff Bezos and his brother will launch into space on one of his Blue Origin spacecraft

If nothing else, now they will know what it’s like to piss in a bottle

Bert and Ernie served as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years.

Bert and Ernie worked together as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music and generally made peoples lives a touch brighter as they trundled to their workplace.

Now though, there was a silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax from civil defen...

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Family Planning

In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills.
The people were encouraged to faithfully practice thes...

Tesla to launch a new Electric lawnmower

It will be called e-Lawn!

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal:

- Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million.
No one dared to move for awhile, and then suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.
With enormous luck came, taking everyone's admiration a...

Breaking news

Italy is planning to launch 2 new communications satellites in the next year.

They're named Data-1 and Dissa-1.

Captain Kirk Clothing

The actor who played Captain Kirk tried to launch his own brand of trousers but they didn't sell very well.

For some reason, people just didn't want to buy Shatner Pants.

Our company just launched our latest dishwasher on the market,

Luckily, nobody was hurt!

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A UFO crashes on a farm

A loud noise is heard outside of a remote farm house and startles a middle-aged farmer and his wife. The farmer walks out to see a UFO. He walks up to the UFO and find out the aliens are peaceful, completely naked and have fairly human bodies. The farmer attempts to communicate with them and the ali...

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Cletus gets his first job at a small town gas station.

One day, a big old station wagon with Texas plates shows up. He had never seen a car from Texas come in before, so he was impressed. He walks up to the driver’s side. In the front seat we’re two big cowboy looking dudes. The diver says “Fill er er up, son”. Cletus nods and heads towards the rear of...

Everyone is trying to interview the astronauts to see how they feel about their launch being delayed.

I just wish they'd give those guys some space.

Did you hear the one about Jerry Lewis launching a line of clothes for frat boys?

He became a nutty 'bro dresser'

I bumped into an old mate of mine yesterday

I bumped into an old mate yesterday. He immediately started showing off, talking about him being an excellent writter and the book he recently launched.

Continuing to show off, he said, "My book has sold 1000 copies till date."

I said, "And how many copies did you buy?."

He said...

An ice fishing joke never before posted here.

Billy Bob and his family decided to go ice fishing. So they loaded up all their tackle and headed up north and found a lake where they could go ice fishing with a tackle shop nearby in case they needed anything. When they got there the man behind the counter said they'd need ice picks for breaking t...

Facebook's launching its own cryptocurrency next year called Libra...

missed opportunity to call it zuck buck

The young salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him t...

Elon Musk has launched a new cologne!

Space-Axe Body Spray™

Amazon just launched their new pharmacy service!

They were going to call it Jeff's Benzos, but that name got axed pretty quickly.

Just launched a new product; a corduroy pillow.

It's already making headlines.

Hummer is launching an EV,

Iron-E..

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A group of protesters have been using catapults to launch cow dung at recently erected wind turbines

They've missed every shot so far, but I have a feeling that if they manage to topple one it will be big news, and we'll all remember this day, saying,

"Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

An astronaut scheduled for a launch to the space station thought the world was starting to get too chaotic, so he brought a computer keyboard with him on his trip

Now everything is back under control.

^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry.

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A new washing liquid has been launched

It is marketed as the Best Universal Grit Grime and Effluence Remover. So if Persil won't whiten it and Tide won't brighten it and Dash won't renew it - BUGGER it.

Victoria's Secret has launched a revolutionary new bra, "Croatia"

..it has lot's of support but no cup

We are launching a Food App that will help you lose your weight

You'll order but we won't deliver.

Did you hear about the guy who launched himself in a home-built rocket to attempt to prove the Earth is not a globe?

You could say he became a flat earther.

Since this year they launched the iPhone 8/X

We'll probably get to see 9/11 next year

Satchmo: "My trumpet is very handy. It tells me what time it is." Sanborn: "Seriously?" Satchmo launches into a jazzy riff.

Immediately, the occupant of the apartment next door bangs on the wall and hollers, "Hey, pipe down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"

Hooters is launching a new delivery service.

They're calling it 'knockers'.

Why was the crash test dummy put in charge of the nuclear launch codes?

They are great at demonstrating restraints.

Amazon is launching a new personal assistant for people suffering from depression.

They are calling it Alexa Pro.

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

At work they gave us cookies to remember the Apollo 11 launch.

I can't wait for the Apollo 1 memorial BBQ!

To celebrate the launch of the new website we are offering one lucky winner $50 in cash or a meal for 2 at an Elvis Presley tribute.

Just comment '1' for the money or '2' for the show.

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[nsfw] When HBO launches a show they trademark all the possible porn names. They now own...

“Game of bones”, “Dothraki Bukaki”, “Ass High in the shadow” and of course “Two Cleganes one Bowl”

Elon Musk launched a cow to the moon. It landed so hard that a quarter of the moon got annihilated.

Moo.

Canada just announced that they are launching their first manned space shuttle next year.

They are calling it the Apollo-G.

When I die

I’m going to get put in a rocket and be launched into the moon. That way my descendants can look at the crash site and see the impact I’ve made.

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

They launched a ride share app for witches...

It's called BroomService

I'm launching a pirating website.

It has two games: a treasure hunting game called "X Marrrrrrks the Spot" and a naval warfare game called "Take No Prisonerrrrrrs." It also has lots of free movies you can download and watch.

All the movies have 3.14 stars.

To celebrate Shakespeare's birthday this year, McDonalds are launching a new burger...

...called the McBeth.

If Canada launched a space shuttle, what would it be called?

Apollo G

Did you hear about the manned rocket that crashed shortly after launching from Alabama?

All the system warnings went off, but for some reason the pilot could not abort.

Europeans have been testing aircraft engines against bird strikes for a long while, using a cannon which launched (deceased, obviously) chickens at the aeroplane.

Eventually, the Americans decided they needed to test their engines tbe same way. So they brought a device over and started testing. No matter how resilient they made the engines, they always failed. After months of testing, they gave up and sent for a European engineer to advise on what wad wrong.<...

After Peter Jackson’s successful launch of World War 1 documentary They Will Not Grow, George Lucas has announced he is making a documentary of World War 2 with remastered footage.

Spoiler: France invades first.

What is an astronaut's favorite time of the day?

Launch time.

What's the meal that the people at NASA usually skip?

Launch.

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

Trump launch a military campaign against Syria

Operation Desert Stormy

Kite Flying

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.


All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window, mut...

Disney just launched a Mt. Everest attraction.

You wait in line, then die.

What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?

The wrong firework.

What do you call a potato that has been launched into space?

The Spudnik

Why do Republicans hate funding NASA?

NASA aborts rocket launches.

Nice to see America keeping its tradition

Of launching a coup in a third world country.

How many kittens does it take to paint a house?

That depends on how much splash damage you get when you launch them at the wall.

What did fruit loops say when launching their product to compete with cheerios?

Toucan play at that game

To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election!

It's called President Evil.

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Guy goes to his doctor who runs some tests and comes back "I'm afraid you have cancer and you only have 6 months to live"

The guy asks "are you sure? Is there anything I can do?

The doctor says "We've run all the tests twice and we're quite certain. However, you might want to go over to UC Berkeley and enroll in Professor Hoffman's CS357 computer science class."

This guy is puzzled "Will that help me li...

They have launched a new marijuana app up here in Canada, but it is very annoying.

It keeps sending you kush notifications.

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A man suspect his wife that she might be deaf

She is not responding to his words
So he decided to test her hearing
He entered the Kitchen where she were making launch, he stood near the door, shouted: honey what's the launch? No response from the wife, he gets closer, honey, WHAT is the launch!
No response, get closer and closer HONEY,...

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What's the difference between EA and North Korea?

North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as EA

A snail walks into a car dealership...

A snail walks into a car dealership. The snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing multiple brands he decides on one.

The rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships salesman and says "I want you to paint big S's all along this car, big S's on the front, t...

Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

How many Syrians does it take to launch a missle?

Two. One to launch it, and one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.

How do they launch a champagne factory?

They throw a boat at it.

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We don't have to worry about Trump having the nuclear launch codes.

His hands are too small to push the button.

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What's the name of NASA's launch button?

The "Space Bar"

So SpaceX is launching the Falcon Heavy Today...

Too bad it isn't carrying the stock market.

North Korean launches keep getting better and better

Heck, they even made it to the front page today!

Breaking News : Apple soon to launch their cars.

with no windows though.

Pakistan launches a rocket to Moon.

Pakistani News channel reports: "Water and fishes found on Moon."


BBC reports: "Pakistani satellite found in Arab sea."

Despite Putin's recent crackdowns, a new streaming service for banned movies has launched in Russia.

It's called Nyetflix.

A farmer has 3 bulls and 200 cows

One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows.

One day the farmer gets another bull.

The large bull says, “I don’t care how big he is, he’s not getting a single one of my cows.” The medium...

Potatoes in space

So Russia decided to launch a satellite full of potatoes into orbit to see what would happen.
Apparently it’s called the SPUNDnic

A new line of Samsung washing machines was launched today

16 injured

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Trump's new Secretary of Defence decided the first thing he would do would be..

Trump's new Secretary of Defence decided his first action would be to order a test of how US Air Force planes would hold up in case of a bird-hit. He gave his brother-in-law's poultry business a contract to shoot birds at huge speeds at the latest F-35 at 1,000km/hr. Everyone expected the chicken t...

How do you make an astronaut smile

Take them out for launch in Houston

Blonde Construction Worker

Every day, three construction workers, one Mexican, one Italian, and one blonde, climb up to the highest steel girder in the building that they are all working on and eat their lunch.

One day, the Mexican worker opens up his lunchbox and sees that yet again his wife has packed him bean burrit...

Two American astronauts are launched to Mars.

Two American astronauts are launched to Mars. When they reach the Martian surface they see a beautiful red-skinned, red-haired woman. Using their language-translation machine, they tell her they are from Earth. They see she is stirring a big pot, and every now and then she pulls a newborn baby from ...

By launching a Tesla to Mars Space X has accomplished the primary goal of the Boring Company.

Avoiding LA traffic!

I think I'm starting to see why it's a bad idea to give Trump access to nuclear launch codes...

He'll just fire them

In the year 2045 Elon is tired of importing ice-cream from Earth to the Martian colonies.

The next day he puts a group of dairy cows on a rocket to Mars.

But inter-planetary customs officers make him hold the rocket in orbit while they inspect the cows. Earth leaders don't want to lose the tax revenue from exporting ice-cream and are looking for a reason to reposes his cattle. ...

A guy and his girlfriend are in a sportscar...

...the guy is doing daredevil stunts to impress her.
She turns to him, and says, "If you can go over 150 mph, I'll take off all of my clothes."
The guy obliges, and the car speeds down the road at 175mph, so the girlfriend tears all of her clothes off.

The guy loses control of the car...

An old Soviet anecdote [WARNING: GORE]

A chief talks to his tribe:

— Are we the greatest tribe?

Entire tribe shouts:

— YES!!!

— Then we need our own nuclear bomb and a rocket to carry it!

— YES!!!

— Let's build them then.

The tribe chopped down the thickest and tallest tree in the forest, ...

What is the difference between the American Revolutionary War and several cows being launched into space?

One was the shot heard around the world and the other is a herd shot around the world.

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Little Johnny is late to school one day.

When he finally enters the class huffing and puffing, the teacher says curtly, "Little Johnny, you're almost an hour late for school. Would you please tell your classmates why you're late today, and why your time is more precious than all of ours?"

Little Johnny can't believe the teacher has ...

February 29th, 2020

On February 29th of this year, something extraordinary happened.

I was walking across the road, head down, minding my own - when I heard it. This incessant, mechanical noise. Like spring-loaded footsteps. Real slow.

Far away, it came. Cascading against the city walls. A pneumatic sigh....

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