UPJOKE
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North Korea announced to have successfully landed a man on the Sun

During a live interview with Kim Jong-un, a reporter asked, "the Sun is very hot! How did you land a man?" Kim proudly replied, "we launch at night!"

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted while watching the live, "Haha what an idiot! There is no Sun at night!"

Captan Kirk & Today’s Shuttle Launch

If William Shatner really wanted to go “where no man had gone before”, He should have just used the associates bathroom At the Amazon distribution center.

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NASA recently decided to launch Uranus into a black hole

Personally I don't think it's a good idea to be rubbing Uranus and Heranus together.

OnlyFans launched a new step sibling content adult website...

They call it OnlyFams!

What's the difference between North Korea and EA?

North Korea hasn't screwed up as many launches as EA

A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys

The Audi Partner.

What did the Chinese say to Genghis Khan before he launched his invasion?

"What are you doing, steppe bro!?"

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

Chicken

BORROWED

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields....

At a crocodile farm

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal. "Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million."

No one dared to move, suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being cha...

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Last week I launched a book aimed at 9 to 12 year olds.

I'm proud to say I hit one of the little shits.

Netflix is launching in Russia, but with a very limited catalogue.

They're calling it Nyetflix.

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It was recently announced that on July 20th, Jeff Bezos and his brother will launch into space on one of his Blue Origin spacecraft

If nothing else, now they will know what it’s like to piss in a bottle

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Peeing at a festival

Last weekend I was at a festival, where the toilets were always crowded. So, like most men, I went to the bushes to pee. Here I saw that the man next to me was peeing through two jets. I got curious so I asked how he did it.

“I fought in Iraq”, he said, “and got hit by a shard of a bullet. Si...

A man walks into a Pub

A man enters a pub and sits down next to a woman. He orders himself a glass of champagne and the woman next to him responds: "How about that, I ordered a glass of champagne too." "What a coincidence," the man replies, "for me it's a special day and I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for...

Why couldn't the rocket have a second launch date?

It had thrust issues

Mongols once launched a naval invasion on Java but failed....

They sucked at C

panties

Captain James T Kirk of Star Trek fame has launched his own range of women’s underwear, the bras are selling well, but it appears that nobody wants to buy a brand of underwear named

“Shatner Panties”.

Tesla to launch a new Electric lawnmower

It will be called e-Lawn!

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Celibate

A young monk is being shown around the abbey by the abbot. They come across the scriptorium.

“This,” the abbot announces proudly, “is where we make copies of the Bible. They all come from here!” He says, pointing to a giant book chained to the center of the room.

“That’s the original...

Everyone is trying to interview the astronauts to see how they feel about their launch being delayed.

I just wish they'd give those guys some space.

Apple wanted to launch a new product directed at children.

In retrospect, it was probably not the best idea to call it "iTouch Kids".

Thinking Cyberpunk 2077 was going to be ready on launch day....

was a phallacy

When do astronauts eat?

At launch time.

Our company just launched our latest dishwasher on the market,

Luckily, nobody was hurt!

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A contest is announced for all the police agencies in the world

A contest is announced for all the police agencies in the world and after all the qualifying rounds were completed three police agencies were shortlisted for the finals, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, France National Police and NYPD.

Just so it happened that a tiger was terrorizing a near...

Did you hear the one about Jerry Lewis launching a line of clothes for frat boys?

He became a nutty 'bro dresser'

A man goes to a golf course and tells the club pro he's taught a gorilla to play golf.

The club pro is understandably skeptical, until he glances outside and sees a gorilla holding a golf club.

"The way he drives the ball," the man says, mimicking a huge swing. "Just amazing."

"I'll believe it when I see it," the pro replies.

The man tells the pro, "I'll bet you f...

Elon Musk has launched a new cologne!

Space-Axe Body Spray™

Facebook's launching its own cryptocurrency next year called Libra...

missed opportunity to call it zuck buck

Bert and Ernie served as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years.

Bert and Ernie worked together as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music and generally made peoples lives a touch brighter as they trundled to their workplace.

Now though, there was a silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax from civil defen...

Victoria's Secret has launched a revolutionary new bra, "Croatia"

..it has lot's of support but no cup

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A group of protesters have been using catapults to launch cow dung at recently erected wind turbines

They've missed every shot so far, but I have a feeling that if they manage to topple one it will be big news, and we'll all remember this day, saying,

"Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

An astronaut scheduled for a launch to the space station thought the world was starting to get too chaotic, so he brought a computer keyboard with him on his trip

Now everything is back under control.

^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry.

Amazon just launched their new pharmacy service!

They were going to call it Jeff's Benzos, but that name got axed pretty quickly.

Just launched a new product; a corduroy pillow.

It's already making headlines.

Hummer is launching an EV,

Iron-E..

Since this year they launched the iPhone 8/X

We'll probably get to see 9/11 next year

Captain Kirk Clothing

The actor who played Captain Kirk tried to launch his own brand of trousers but they didn't sell very well.

For some reason, people just didn't want to buy Shatner Pants.

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Family Planning

In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills.
The people were encouraged to faithfully practice thes...

We are launching a Food App that will help you lose your weight

You'll order but we won't deliver.

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A new washing liquid has been launched

It is marketed as the Best Universal Grit Grime and Effluence Remover. So if Persil won't whiten it and Tide won't brighten it and Dash won't renew it - BUGGER it.

Did you hear about the guy who launched himself in a home-built rocket to attempt to prove the Earth is not a globe?

You could say he became a flat earther.

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A UFO crashes on a farm

A loud noise is heard outside of a remote farm house and startles a middle-aged farmer and his wife. The farmer walks out to see a UFO. He walks up to the UFO and find out the aliens are peaceful, completely naked and have fairly human bodies. The farmer attempts to communicate with them and the ali...

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Cletus gets his first job at a small town gas station.

One day, a big old station wagon with Texas plates shows up. He had never seen a car from Texas come in before, so he was impressed. He walks up to the driver’s side. In the front seat we’re two big cowboy looking dudes. The diver says “Fill er er up, son”. Cletus nods and heads towards the rear of...

Breaking news

Italy is planning to launch 2 new communications satellites in the next year.

They're named Data-1 and Dissa-1.

To celebrate the launch of the new website we are offering one lucky winner $50 in cash or a meal for 2 at an Elvis Presley tribute.

Just comment '1' for the money or '2' for the show.

An ice fishing joke never before posted here.

Billy Bob and his family decided to go ice fishing. So they loaded up all their tackle and headed up north and found a lake where they could go ice fishing with a tackle shop nearby in case they needed anything. When they got there the man behind the counter said they'd need ice picks for breaking t...

At work they gave us cookies to remember the Apollo 11 launch.

I can't wait for the Apollo 1 memorial BBQ!

Satchmo: "My trumpet is very handy. It tells me what time it is." Sanborn: "Seriously?" Satchmo launches into a jazzy riff.

Immediately, the occupant of the apartment next door bangs on the wall and hollers, "Hey, pipe down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"

Why was the crash test dummy put in charge of the nuclear launch codes?

They are great at demonstrating restraints.

Amazon is launching a new personal assistant for people suffering from depression.

They are calling it Alexa Pro.

The young salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him t...

Hooters is launching a new delivery service.

They're calling it 'knockers'.

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[nsfw] When HBO launches a show they trademark all the possible porn names. They now own...

“Game of bones”, “Dothraki Bukaki”, “Ass High in the shadow” and of course “Two Cleganes one Bowl”

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

If Canada launched a space shuttle, what would it be called?

Apollo G

To celebrate Shakespeare's birthday this year, McDonalds are launching a new burger...

...called the McBeth.

Canada just announced that they are launching their first manned space shuttle next year.

They are calling it the Apollo-G.

They launched a ride share app for witches...

It's called BroomService

Elon Musk launched a cow to the moon. It landed so hard that a quarter of the moon got annihilated.

Moo.

After Peter Jackson’s successful launch of World War 1 documentary They Will Not Grow, George Lucas has announced he is making a documentary of World War 2 with remastered footage.

Spoiler: France invades first.

Did you hear about the manned rocket that crashed shortly after launching from Alabama?

All the system warnings went off, but for some reason the pilot could not abort.

I'm launching a pirating website.

It has two games: a treasure hunting game called "X Marrrrrrks the Spot" and a naval warfare game called "Take No Prisonerrrrrrs." It also has lots of free movies you can download and watch.

All the movies have 3.14 stars.

Europeans have been testing aircraft engines against bird strikes for a long while, using a cannon which launched (deceased, obviously) chickens at the aeroplane.

Eventually, the Americans decided they needed to test their engines tbe same way. So they brought a device over and started testing. No matter how resilient they made the engines, they always failed. After months of testing, they gave up and sent for a European engineer to advise on what wad wrong.<...

Trump launch a military campaign against Syria

Operation Desert Stormy

What did fruit loops say when launching their product to compete with cheerios?

Toucan play at that game

What do you call a potato that has been launched into space?

The Spudnik

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election!

It's called President Evil.

Disney just launched a Mt. Everest attraction.

You wait in line, then die.

What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?

The wrong firework.

Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

How many Syrians does it take to launch a missle?

Two. One to launch it, and one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.

How do they launch a champagne factory?

They throw a boat at it.

When I die

I’m going to get put in a rocket and be launched into the moon. That way my descendants can look at the crash site and see the impact I’ve made.

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What's the name of NASA's launch button?

The "Space Bar"

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We don't have to worry about Trump having the nuclear launch codes.

His hands are too small to push the button.

They have launched a new marijuana app up here in Canada, but it is very annoying.

It keeps sending you kush notifications.

Breaking News : Apple soon to launch their cars.

with no windows though.

North Korean launches keep getting better and better

Heck, they even made it to the front page today!

What's the meal that the people at NASA usually skip?

Launch.

Pakistan launches a rocket to Moon.

Pakistani News channel reports: "Water and fishes found on Moon."


BBC reports: "Pakistani satellite found in Arab sea."

So SpaceX is launching the Falcon Heavy Today...

Too bad it isn't carrying the stock market.

How do NASA organize rocket launches

They planet

Despite Putin's recent crackdowns, a new streaming service for banned movies has launched in Russia.

It's called Nyetflix.

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A man suspect his wife that she might be deaf

She is not responding to his words
So he decided to test her hearing
He entered the Kitchen where she were making launch, he stood near the door, shouted: honey what's the launch? No response from the wife, he gets closer, honey, WHAT is the launch!
No response, get closer and closer HONEY,...

A new line of Samsung washing machines was launched today

16 injured

What is an astronaut's favorite time of the day?

Launch time.

Two American astronauts are launched to Mars.

Two American astronauts are launched to Mars. When they reach the Martian surface they see a beautiful red-skinned, red-haired woman. Using their language-translation machine, they tell her they are from Earth. They see she is stirring a big pot, and every now and then she pulls a newborn baby from ...

Kite Flying

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.


All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window, mut...

I think I'm starting to see why it's a bad idea to give Trump access to nuclear launch codes...

He'll just fire them

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

A snail walks into a car dealership...

A snail walks into a car dealership. The snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing multiple brands he decides on one.

The rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships salesman and says "I want you to paint big S's all along this car, big S's on the front, t...

By launching a Tesla to Mars Space X has accomplished the primary goal of the Boring Company.

Avoiding LA traffic!

Why are astrophysicists always nervous before they launch a new satellite?

It can be a very Hubble-ing experience.

These jokes may not be funny for you, but they are Fermi.

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It was the first session of a packed literary festival.

As was his wont, one particular writer hogged the mic and was refusing to let go.

A seasoned festival-attendee, who had borne the torture of said writer nobly over several festivals, had come prepared this time: with a dozen rotten eggs.

When the writer took a deep breath to launch int...

What is the difference between the American Revolutionary War and several cows being launched into space?

One was the shot heard around the world and the other is a herd shot around the world.

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