Why was the crash test dummy put in charge of the nuclear launch codes?

They are great at demonstrating restraints.

With all of this Joker controversy, I heard that the Joker from The Dark Knight is preparing to launch a radio station in downtown Gotham City...

...but you can only listen to it if you have Why-So-Sirius XM.

They launched a ride share app for witches...

It's called BroomService

Apple just announced the launch of new glasses!

Introducing ...



The iPatch

Elon Musk launched a cow to the moon. It landed so hard that a quarter of the moon got annihilated.

Moo.

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What's the difference between EA and North Korea?

North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as EA

Two submarines are trying to win a competition

Each one of them has to try and hit objects that are smaller and smaller in size.

Every day they choose an object in the ocean, and declare that the objective before trying to hit it:

*"Today we'll hit that sunken ship"* and off they go.

Then it's the other team's turn: ...

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[nsfw] When HBO launches a show they trademark all the possible porn names. They now own...

“Game of bones”, “Dothraki Bukaki”, “Ass High in the shadow” and of course “Two Cleganes one Bowl”

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Life Alert and Viagra launch a joint marketing campaign

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get it up!"

Did you hear about the manned rocket that crashed shortly after launching from Alabama?

All the system warnings went off, but for some reason the pilot could not abort.

What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?

The wrong firework.

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There was once a really smart bee.

Ever since he was little, he had always wanted more than the simple, boring lives led by his fellow bees. After a few years, he left his job, his hive, and his family behind, in search of a better life.
He flew for hours until he came to a small Virginia town, on the edge of a forest. He landed, ...

At work they gave us cookies to remember the Apollo 11 launch.

I can't wait for the Apollo 1 memorial BBQ!

Canada just announced that they are launching their first manned space shuttle next year.

They are calling it the Apollo-G.

Disney just launched a Mt. Everest attraction.

You wait in line, then die.

What happened to the guy who got a boombox launched at his face?

He faced the music.

One little boy has never said a word

At first his parents were concerned, but no doctor could find any problem.

One day at launch boy says:
"There is too much salt in my soup"
His parents are shocked:
"You can speak?! Why didn't you ever said anythink?"


"Because up until now everything was ok"

Victoria's Secret has launched a revolutionary new bra, "Croatia"

..it has lot's of support but no cup

After Peter Jackson’s successful launch of World War 1 documentary They Will Not Grow, George Lucas has announced he is making a documentary of World War 2 with remastered footage.

Spoiler: France invades first.

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What Scientology and Trump have in common?

Both of them were very successfull launching a cult by talking crazy shit about aliens

Aliens and Western Classical Music

In 1977 Nasa launched the Voyager Spacecraft into space. The spacecraft contained multiple pieces of music, among other things, including J. S. Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No. 2. It's likely that extra-terrestrial life will have developed a fondness of German Classical music and will one day come to...

Since this year they launched the iPhone 8/X

We'll probably get to see 9/11 next year

To celebrate Shakespeare's birthday this year, McDonalds are launching a new burger...

...called the McBeth.

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a martini.

The bartender immediately launches in a long bizarre story about a rooster his parents owned as a child. "What's with the story about the chicken?" the exasperated guy asks. "Oh, I'm sorry," the bartender apologizes. "I thought you asked for a cock tale."

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Going to Hell [Long]

The evil man arrived in Hell and was immediately greeted by his Eternal Assignment Demon. They walked down a dank hallway until they came upon a door. “This is your first option of three for you to serve your eternal damnation. Behold.” The EAD slides the hatch on the door and the evil man (let’s ca...

To celebrate the launch of the new website we are offering one lucky winner $50 in cash or a meal for 2 at an Elvis Presley tribute.

Just comment '1' for the money or '2' for the show.

How do you summon a daemon?

$ sudo launchctl load -w /System/Library/LaunchDaemons/ssh.plist

What do you call a potato that has been launched into space?

The Spudnik

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

Huawei denies spying accusations

The recently launched model 5PY-2020 sELECT it’s perfectly safe.

If Canada launched a space shuttle, what would it be called?

Apollo G

How do NASA organize rocket launches

They planet

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

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I think that the nuclear launch codes should be kept in the hands of women, and those codes should also represent the number of sexual partners they have had.

That way they will never give up the real numbers under any circumstances.

President Donald Trump is going to launch the "Space Force".

Surprising for a guy who hates aliens

A man bought a new car with automatic transmission

After a little while, he came back to the salesman who sold him the car. The salesman saw that back of the car had a big bump, but decided not to ask. The man started saying that he liked the car very much, but it had some problems

"When i put it in D for day mode, it works very well, but whe...

So, have you guys heard of a chicken cannon?

Used by US Federal Aviation Administration, it's a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.



The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crac...

Trump launch a military campaign against Syria

Operation Desert Stormy

A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.

"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver's hat and settled into the back row. The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech. Afterw...

What's a similarity between babies and missiles?

Both make loud noises when launched in the air

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A young comedian wanted to make himself famous, so he covered the interior of his house with Jokes

He wrote down every joke he ever knew on a paper each and taped them to everything in his house: the floor, the walls, the couch....etc.

However there was one joke which he thought was lame, so he threw it away somewhere in his house and forgot about it.

The Comedian started inviting s...

What do astronauts put on their sandwiches?

Launch meat

They have launched a new marijuana app up here in Canada, but it is very annoying.

It keeps sending you kush notifications.

A new line of Samsung washing machines was launched today

16 injured

Despite Putin's recent crackdowns, a new streaming service for banned movies has launched in Russia.

It's called Nyetflix.

So I'm at the nuclear missile facility and my boyfriend texts me "Hey Anna, wanna come over? ;)"

The general asks me for target coordinates for a missile launch so I do a search.

Using satellite imaging, I find the perfect spot and fire straight away.

Me: "General, we've launched a nuclear strike at these coordinates."

He looks at me in extreme confusion.

General: "W...

So SpaceX is launching the Falcon Heavy Today...

Too bad it isn't carrying the stock market.

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Two guys are watching the Kentucky Derby.

One of the guys, Jeff, is there, bragging about how he has a really fast dog that can almost beat the horses. He bets everyone there 300$ that their pets can’t beat his dog in a race. The other guy, Steve, is wearing a trench coat. Steve walks up to Jeff and takes him up on the bet.

After the...

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Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving

He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name.
“What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated.
“You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.”
“Re...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

What’s an astronaut’s favorite meal?

Launch.

By launching a Tesla to Mars Space X has accomplished the primary goal of the Boring Company.

Avoiding LA traffic!

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A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican...

A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican are travelling in a hot air balloon when it starts to rapidly lose altitude.

"Quick!" says the Scotsman, "We need to lose some weight, fast."

He throws his case of fine scotch whisky over the side.

"Why did you do that?" says the American. ...

North Korean launches keep getting better and better

Heck, they even made it to the front page today!

A Clergyman was walking down the street

when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborho...

To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election!

It's called President Evil.

Breaking News : Apple soon to launch their cars.

with no windows though.

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We don't have to worry about Trump having the nuclear launch codes.

His hands are too small to push the button.

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Little Johnny was a fucking idiot...

and his teacher kept saying "You're going to be the death of me." because of how bad he was at all his subjects.

One day, the school had enough and decided to expel little Johnny, and in the meeting with his parents, the principal said "Ma'am, your son cannot stay in this school, he can't rea...

How do they launch a champagne factory?

They throw a boat at it.

North Korea's launch code

↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

The president opens his curtains on a snowy morning when he sees that someone had urinated the words "The president sucks" on the lawn.

Furious, the president orders the FBI to launch an investigation.

Two hours later, the head of the FBI calls the president. "Sir, we have bad news, and we have even worse news. The urine was the Vice Presidents".

The President responds, "What? What could be worse than this?"

Th...

Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

What did fruit loops say when launching their product to compete with cheerios?

Toucan play at that game

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One day, legendary fencing master Maximilian Lee is looking for a new challenger

After decades dedicating himself to his art, he finds there is no one worthy of fighting anymore. He travels to the farest corners of the world looking to reinvigorate his love of the blade.

He travels to France and challenges their most skilled and famous fighter, but to his disappointment,...

A small local zoo is losing business because it has a terrible track record keeping its animals alive.

The customers are noticing the sickly animals and they're not coming back.

In a desperate ploy the zoo decides to hire a new position. They hire an ambitious young man to dress up as a gorilla.

"It's an easy job", they explain in the interview. "Climb up and down the ropes, swing on...

What does a bully say to SpaceX?

Gimme your launch money!

What is the difference between the American Revolutionary War and several cows being launched into space?

One was the shot heard around the world and the other is a herd shot around the world.

Pakistan launches a rocket to Moon.

Pakistani News channel reports: "Water and fishes found on Moon."


BBC reports: "Pakistani satellite found in Arab sea."

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What's the name of NASA's launch button?

The "Space Bar"

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Challenger Shuttle Teacher Christa McAuliffe Jokes - In bad taste

Q: What was the last thing Christa McAuliffe said right before the Challenger exploded??


A:What's this button do??




Q: What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband just before launch??




A: Honey, you feed the dogs, and I'll feed the fish.

Two American astronauts are launched to Mars.

Two American astronauts are launched to Mars. When they reach the Martian surface they see a beautiful red-skinned, red-haired woman. Using their language-translation machine, they tell her they are from Earth. They see she is stirring a big pot, and every now and then she pulls a newborn baby from ...

How many Syrians does it take to launch a missle?

Two. One to launch it, and one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Bethesda and North Korea?

North Korea didn't fuck up their last launch.







































re-re-post

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Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable pro...

What happens when Taoiseach Leo Varadkar orders a probe be sent to Mars?

They launch the Irish Rovers.

I think I'm starting to see why it's a bad idea to give Trump access to nuclear launch codes...

He'll just fire them

What did Rudolph the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?

This will sleigh you.

John was an Astronaut...

John was an astronaut scheduled to fly on his first mission to the International Space Station. The media frenzy surrounding the launch was maddening. Everywhere John went, the media followed him.

He would part the curtains at his home in the morning, and the media was out there peering in, t...

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Hellen of troy, the face that launched a thousand ships...

...And the ass that docked them.

Helen of Troy had the face that launched 1000 ships

Hillary Clinton has the face that launched a Trump presidency.

The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender

“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped

“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”

“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the poi...

Why are astrophysicists always nervous before they launch a new satellite?

It can be a very Hubble-ing experience.

These jokes may not be funny for you, but they are Fermi.

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It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht

The Pope
accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's
hat off, right into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get
it, when Trump wa...

The Test

After about 1.8 trillion times a planet circled their star, the life-forms that evolved there launched a small craft with an artificial likeness of themselves into orbit. It was done to show that they could and because it amused them. Years later, after they made their planet uninhabitable, they lef...

¾ of the A-Team have just launched a valiant rescue mission

I heard they were just trying to save Face after their last failure, though.

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop

Right away they go over to the bird section.

Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”. The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yeah, we’ll take four of them birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry. “Put them in a paper bag.”

The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds ...

Sting has launched his own range of aromatherapy oils.

They're a massage in a bottle

King Arthur must depart to the battlefield.

He requests that the Knights of the Round Table remained within the castle walls in order to protect its citizens should an attack arise. Skeptical of his Queen's loyalty, and the men's self-control, the King asks Merlin to cast a spell on her.

*Should anyone lie with this woman in bed,
th...

A gorgeous blonde is trying to board a city bus...

but her dress is so tight, it won't allow her to lift her leg high enough to reach the first step. She reaches back and unzips the dress a few inches to allow more flexibility. She tries again, but it still isn't enough. She unzips a little more, starting to worry that she'll give the people behind ...

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