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Pitch Jokes

A serial killer takes a victim into the forest. It’s pitch dark.

Victim: I’m scared...
Killer: You’re scared, I have to walk out of here alone

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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

Sales pitch

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the ind...

When do you know if you have perfect pitch?

When you pitch an accordion into a dumpster and it perfectly smashes a banjo.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and ...

I’m pitching a show about magical arts in the legal system

Subpoena the Teenage Witch

In 1970, Doc Ellis pitched a no hitter on LSD

Which isnt that impressive when you realize the fact that in 1970, all the batters were on LSD as well

Have you ever dated someone with a high-pitched voice?

They're nothing but treble.

What pitch is your tinnitus?

Mine is an EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE sharp.

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high pitched screeching

\- At what stage of sex do you make your wife scream ?

\- Right after the sex , i wipe my dick with the curtains .

This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He...

So I pitched a movie idea to Alec Baldwin...

It didn't go well, he shot it down!

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Women speak at a higher pitch when they talk to someone attractive...

That's why every girl I talk to sounds like fucking Batman.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a nun and a young woman are sitting in a train compartment

The train drives into a tunnel, the lights in the compartment have gone out, it is pitch black. Suddenly a loud SMACK! is heard, and when the train is back out of the tunnel, the Frenchman is in pain, holding his red cheek.

The Nun thinks: "He must have groped the young woman and she slapped ...

Interview sales pitch

I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

...

I recently saw the movie "Pitch Black"

It was riddickulous.

Did you know that a fungus is responsible for rodents' high pitched noises ?

It's called mice-helium.

There was once an Austrian physicist who discovered that the sound of an object changes pitch as it passes by an observer...

...But before he could publish his findings someone stole his work and took all the credit for it.

Turns out the physicist had a Dopplerganger.

Dave Mustaine Pitches a New Product to His Boss

After his presentation, his boss has a few words to say. "So you want to sell anti-war propaganda? I just don't see how that could be successful. You didn't even include a market analysis in your powerpoint. How am I supposed to get funding for this without any data? Where are you going to sell this...

If only Whitney Houston could hit a baseball pitch as well as she could hit notes and pitch her voice.

She would have had the world’s best hAND EYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIEEEEEIIIIIIIIIII coordination.

What do you call a Greek philosopher who's skilled on the pitch?

Soccerates.

My team had to play a football game on a pitch that was littered with loads of stones and gravel.

Luckily we still won on aggregate.

A retail worker was talking to a customer when they noticed some long, high pitched noises coming from the electronic section

‘Your Macbooks aren’t breaking are they?’ mused the slightly concerned customer.


The worker listened to the noise for a moment before motioning offhandedly to the speaker section.

‘Don’t worry, it’s just a Dell.’

What did the person with perfect pitch say when their friend stepped on a bee?

That's a b flat

Why can't our ears hear very high pitched sounds?

Because it hertz.

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A young soldier was sent to the personnel office and assigned the task of registering recruits for life insurance.

Because of the cost, most soldiers didn't buy the life insurance, but after only 1 month on the job he had sold a record number of policies.

His captain noticed but thought it was a fluke. However, the following month, he doubled sales. A month later, when he set the army record for policies ...

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

First Pitch or ...

One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the baseball diamond. When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You know, Bill, you ...

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Pitching a tent is a lot like sex

The pole goes in the hole and if you fuck it up it’s a pain in the ass

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What do you call a detective that can pitch a perfect game of baseball.

A dick with no balls.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.

TV Show Pitch: 30 Unvaccinated Kids Live in a House Together

We'll call it Survivor.

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I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

Gave a sales pitch at a petting zoo today

They were eating out the palm of my hand

I just read a story about songs in history and the pitches in which they were sung.

For example, a march to battle was sung around middle D. Gregorian chants were sung from low D to middle G.

It seems that most, if not all, pirate shanties were sung on the high C’s.

Two old men had been best friends for years...

...and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in he...

I got called racist for saying 'pitch black'

The umpire disqualified me and told me I struck out and that the better thing to say would be 'Jamal, I'm ready for your fastball'.

The husband was ready for the last major hurricane to threaten their home, but his wife was not.

When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing iron and destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, his wife was rooted to the spot.

She stared and stared through the glass of the window. Immovable, with...

I keep hearing high pitched Christmas songs in my ear.

My Doctor thinks it might be tinseltus.

I'm gonna pitch a show to Netflix, called"Speak No Evil"

Its about mimes that commit murder

Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"

Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
...

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”



The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”



Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”



“I’m a seaman, sec...

What lights up a football pitch at night?

A football match.......

They didn't take too well to my latest AR videogame sales pitch...

Frogger Live, Ultimate Edition

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

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A man with a very strained, high-pitched voice goes to see the doctor.

(This is an old Buddy Hackett joke)

The man goes into the doctor's office and he says (in a very strained, high-pitched voice) "Doctor, is there anything you can do to fix my voice?"

The doctor examines him and says, "I've discovered the source of your problem. Most men have two test...

Corny Peanuts.

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.

"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice agai...

Do you remember that group of whales that had a distinct higher pitch to their songs?

I believe they were Orcastrato

A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and wit...

A guy walks into a bar .........

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there mulling over his day he hears a high pitched voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!” The guy looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking no more of it. The voice, however, returns sayin...

My neighbor asked if I could pitch in money to help him buy the world's largest piece of sports equipment, and then get 5 friends to also.

I refused. I know it's just a big racket.

Me and a friend went camping. We pitched our tent, went fishing, then got in our tent and went to bed.

At around midnight, I woke up and looked at the stars. I told my friend, “Look! The stars! Do you know what that means?” He says, “The stars are other planets. Does that mean there could be other life out there?”

I told him, “You idiot. It means someone stole our tent.”

The president of the Greek football club PAOK invaded the pitch with a gun yesterday, what a fool..

Only the goalkeeper is allowed to use his arms..

A certain President of the Uinted States attends a World Series Game.

As the game is about to begin, the President grabs his wife and throws her through the window of the VIP box. As she lands on the horrified attendees seated below, a frantic aide comes running over yelling

"Nonononono, Mr. President! It's "throw the first *pitch*!"

A couple of banjo jokes

Q: What's perfect pitch?

A: Tossing a banjo into a dumpster and not hitting the sides.



Q: What's the difference between a busload of banjo players and a busload of frogs?

A: More likely than not, the busload of frogs is going to a gig.

They say that whenever Superman hears a woman's high-pitched cry for help, he immediately comes.

BDSM must really turn him on.

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out traveling together, after a long trek, they pitch a tent and call it a night...

In the middle of the night, Sherlock nudges Watson and tells him to "look up" "tell me what you see".

*"Well..."* says Watson, *"I see the beautiful moon and the night stars all dazzling and magnificent..."*

*"I see"* says Sherlock *"Look closer"* he insists.

*"I see the infinit...

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

I knew my camping holiday was doomed when I saw the people at the next pitch struggling with a torn ground sheet and bent pegs.

It was a portent.

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

When my wife and I watch baseball, we play a game we like to call "kissing baseball." Whenever a pitch is thrown, I kiss her on the strikes

And she kisses me on the balls.

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A young man was having dinner with his girlfriend's family

and he wanted to make a good impression, but unfortunately he had diarrhea and gases that day. His stomach was aching with the gases, but he tried to maintain it. Despite his heroic efforts a small fart leaks out. "Rocky!" the mother scolds. Looking down the young man sees the family dog cower near ...

If you're having tuning problems I feel bad for you son

I got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one

Sherlock and his friend Watson go camping

They pitch up their tent and fall asleep. A few hours later, they both wake up.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

"I see millions and millions of stars, my dear Holmes."

Holmes: "Tell me what that means Watson."

Watson: "Astronomically speaking,...

I was playing baseball with my friend Tandra and she was pitching. I hit the ball straight into left field and made it to second base.

That's a double on Tandra.

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

France should be disqualified!

They have one Tchouaméni on the pitch.

Four people were riding in a compartment on a train in Crimea..

... an old old lady, a beautiful young woman, a Ukrainian man, and a Russian soldier. The train enters a tunnel and it's suddenly pitch dark. Nobody can see a thing. There is a sound of a kiss, a sound of a slap, and when the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is nursing a painful red slap ...

Selling Coke.

The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. B...

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How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently, more than five because my basement is still pitch black.

Come in

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in."

Upon e...

Title

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he sits there, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "Hey, those jeans look really great on you!"

The man looks around but sees nothing. He then returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, he hears the same voice again...

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few ...

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.

The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

I'm making a fortune promoting home security systems

The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Good morning". At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

Did you know that a blue whale is so huge that if you put it end to end....

.... on a football pitch, the match would be cancelled ?

Did you hear about the opera singer who threw the game-opening baseball?

They say he had perfect pitch.

every time I hear this, I burst out laughing.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke up Watson and said: "Watson lookup in the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied: " see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "...

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game...

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. During the opening ceremonies, their secret service agent goes to Bill and whispers something in his ear. Bill looks up at the agent and says "I'm not sure I can do that". The agent then says "Well, sir, it's the teams and fans request and I think we ...

A man walks into a bikers pub

and asks in a high pitch voice, is the owner of the rottweiler who was barking outside here?

A 250lb biker stands up and with a low manly voice says, yes, why do you ask?


The guy with high pitch voice replies, my Chihuahua just killed your dog!

The biker runs out with dis...

Play Ball!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to...

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Late Night

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. ...

I was watching a baseball game the other day when the pitcher struck out a batter in 3 pitches. The announcer said, "…and he goes down Paul Ryan style". His partner asked, "What makes it Paul Ryan style?" To which he replied…

No balls

I was reading on the BBC about a plan to reintroduce beavers to London.

I'm all for it....I do prefer a bit of grass on the pitch personally.

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A guy driving down the road..

A guy is driving down the road one day and sees a sign that says LOSE ALL YOUR WEIGHT TODAY. Intrigued he stops and goes in.at the desk is a well dressed man and our traveler asks the gentlemen how it works.he is told for every pound he wants to lose he pays a dollar.as he weighs over four hundred p...

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Three World Leaders in a Sauna

(Then) President Barack Obama, Russian "President" Vladimir Putin, and (Former) Mexican President Felipe Calderon are all sitting naked in a Sauna. Their reason? Discussion for the next plan regarding world peace.

Somewhere along the line, a very low, barely present vibration is felt all arou...

A long, long time ago, I used to be a farmer.

I used to grow wheat and the quality of my product was second to none. I was famous all over the world for my unmatched wheat harvest.

Everything was going fine, until this one day.

In the middle of a pitch black night, my most bitter rival stole all of my wheat. None of it left on the...

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