It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was...

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”

​

The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”

​

Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

&a...

Sales pitch

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the ind...

TV Show Pitch: 30 Unvaccinated Kids Live in a House Together

We'll call it Survivor.

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A 10 years maried couple have always sex in pitch dark...

One night the wife is enough of her husband's stupid rule so while doing it she open the light.

She sees he's using a huge strap on.

He said :" ok I'll explain that but first you tell me for "our" two kids"...

Interview sales pitch

I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

...

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In 12 years of marriage the husband always insisted to have sex in the pitch dark room.

After all these years while getting at it the wife got mad and turned on the light. She saw that the man was holding a dildo in his hand and thrusting her with it. The wife got furious and exclaimed, 'You cheat! so this is what you have been doing for the past 12 years. Explain me what did I do t...

If only Whitney Houston could hit a baseball pitch as well as she could hit notes and pitch her voice.

She would have had the world’s best hAND EYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIEEEEEIIIIIIIIIII coordination.

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Women speak at a higher pitch when they talk to someone attractive...

That's why every girl I talk to sounds like fucking Batman.

Do you remember that group of whales that had a distinct higher pitch to their songs?

I believe they were Orcastrato

Gave a sales pitch at a petting zoo today

They were eating out the palm of my hand

This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He...

What do you do to an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out traveling together, after a long trek, they pitch a tent and call it a night...

In the middle of the night, Sherlock nudges Watson and tells him to "look up" "tell me what you see".

*"Well..."* says Watson, *"I see the beautiful moon and the night stars all dazzling and magnificent..."*

*"I see"* says Sherlock *"Look closer"* he insists.

*"I see the infinit...

When my wife and I watch baseball, we play a game we like to call "kissing baseball." Whenever a pitch is thrown, I kiss her on the strikes

And she kisses me on the balls.

I'm gonna pitch a show to Netflix, called"Speak No Evil"

Its about mimes that commit murder

They didn't take too well to my latest AR videogame sales pitch...

Frogger Live, Ultimate Edition

First Pitch or ...

One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the baseball diamond. When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You know, Bill, you ...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Sherlock wakes up Watson and says: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replies with: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes says: “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson...

I knew my camping holiday was doomed when I saw the people at the next pitch struggling with a torn ground sheet and bent pegs.

It was a portent.

I got called racist for saying 'pitch black'

The umpire disqualified me and told me I struck out and that the better thing to say would be 'Jamal, I'm ready for your fastball'.

What lights up a football pitch at night?

A football match.......

The president of the Greek football club PAOK invaded the pitch with a gun yesterday, what a fool..

Only the goalkeeper is allowed to use his arms..

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A crow flies into the tent of the ringmaster of an internationally famous circus.

"I hear you're looking for new acts," says the crow in a marvelously clear voice.

The ringmaster blinks a couple of times and says, "Are you talking?"

"Of course I'm talking," the crow replied with a scoff. "I talk, I speak seventeen languages, I sing baritone with perfect pitch. I'm d...

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[Long] A man goes to a monastery in the middle of the Himalayas.

The man went to this monastery, because he wanted a break from the busy life of the city. Let's call him Dave.

Since they were in the middle of nowhere, and since he was going to be here a while, he decided to get to know some of the monks there. Apparently he hadn't been the first one to com...

If you're having voice problems I feel bad for you son

I've got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one

A man walks into a bikers pub

and asks in a high pitch voice, is the owner of the rottweiler who was barking outside here?

A 250lb biker stands up and with a low manly voice says, yes, why do you ask?


The guy with high pitch voice replies, my Chihuahua just killed your dog!

The biker runs out with dis...

2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven

They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.

Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2:
“I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.
The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.
The b...

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

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Typed this up, hoping it’s new blood.

Terry is going door to door selling peaches. He’s doing okay for himself, and he rounds the corner and comes upon an apartment complex. Lots of potential sales in one spot! He walks up to the first door and knocks.

The lady of the house opens the door wearing a robe which doesn’t leave much ...

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Honeymoon.

Two virgins had just had their wedding and needed to leave for their honeymoon trip immediately after the reception. The drive to the airport was a couple of hours and they were on a tight schedule to make the flight. As they were driving down this lonely stretch of highway they got to talking about...

Bill and Larry both loved baseball.

They loved it as kids, they loved it as adults, and they loved it in their old age. One day, Larry asked Bill, "Do you think they have baseball in Heaven?"

Bill said, "I imagine they do. But whichever one of us dies first, he should tell the other whether that's true."

"How are we goin...

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A Japanese man decides to do some travelling in Africa

A few days into his journey, he came across a tribe not far from a large and dense rain-forest. The tribe leader was ecstatic that someone of Asian descent was at his tribe. They quickly exchanged names and the tribe leader offered to give a quick tour of the rain-forest nearby.

Sato was amaz...

Beware the Bacon Tree.

Two men wanted to be the first ones to cross a large desert near their home town. Everyone who has ever tried had either returned exhausted and near death, or hadn't returned at all. Because of this, the men knew that they needed to seek guidance. They had heard of a shaman who would give advice to ...

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A Canadian, American, and Japanese guy get stranded on an island

The American guy says: "We really need to find some supplies for our survival."

The Japanese guy turns to him and says: "I'll get working on the supplies, you guys try to create a signal in case help arrives near the island", and with that the Japanese guy turns and runs into the forest on th...

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I was taking a crap in the office restroom when the power went out

In pitch black darkness, I proceeded to wipe, wash my hands, and returned to my station, just in time for power to come back.

Upon arriving, I asked my workmate in the next cubicle "Do you know how a blind man in the crapper knows when he's done wiping?"

"No"

"Me neither"
...

A long, long time ago, I used to be a farmer.

I used to grow wheat and the quality of my product was second to none. I was famous all over the world for my unmatched wheat harvest.

Everything was going fine, until this one day.

In the middle of a pitch black night, my most bitter rival stole all of my wheat. None of it left on the...

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center,

where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ...

A Couple were walking down a stern at night.

As they were walking, they pass by a house that seemed exceptionally quiet and dreary. The windows were pitch black, the chimney was spewing black smog, and the front door had darkness spilling from all edges. The husband was very curious as to why this house was so unnaturally dark, so went to the ...

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A Random Sailor Stumbled Into A Pub

Upon entering he was quickly stared down by everyone in a relentless awe. As he pulled up a stool to the bar to order the strongest drink he could buy, the bartender said, damn it maan, what the hell happened to you!? The sailor looked up exposing fully his very small almost shrunken head right atop...

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A teacher has a class full of rednecks.

She asks someone to use the word 'Timbuktu' in a story.

A scrawny kid in the back raises his hand and recites proudly:

Tim and me, a hikin' we went,
Till we found three whores in a pitch-up tent.
They were three and we were two;
So I buck one and Tim buck two!

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

A young woman is talking to a group of men at a party

She says to the first guy, "Did you hear about the new study that shows vegetables can prevent cancer? Guess we should all be drinking Bloody Marys, huh?"

"Actually..." the first man replies. "That won't help because tomatoes are a fruit."

Annoyed, she turns to a second man and changes...

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A duck walks into a bar

Walks up to the bartender and orders a shot of vodka.
The bartender looks at the customer bewildered, not able to
understand how a duck is able to talk. So he pours it a shot of
vodka and watches the animal. The duck drinks its shot, pays
and walks out. The next day the same thing hap...

The milk cow (loooong and NSFW)

There’s this little farm in Ireland- dirt farm, really- but they’ve got the best milk cow in the world.

One day, the farmer comes out and sees his milk cow is dead. He doesn’t know what to do, so he hangs himself in the barn, which is sad.

His wife comes out and sees her husband dead,...

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[Long] Lori was assistant manager at the Sex Shoppe, and had been for a long time wondering, when do I get my shot at being Manager?

One day, her boss, the owner, said, “Lori, I have to go on a business trip for the weekend. You’re in charge. Let’s see how you handle it. You know the business well enough. Just remember, the new dildo line goes on sale Saturday. That’s $25 for the white dildos, and $50 for the black dildos.”
...

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“Oi, you!”

“Sheep shagger!” yelled the man as Llewelyn Jones walked down the high street, pointedly ignoring him.

“Yeah you, sheep shagger! Fucking sheep shagger!” slurred the man, before throwing his beer can into some petunia bushes and stumbling off in the other direction.

“The youth of today...

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

My friend Steve was looking to rent a house.

Steve's wealthy, so he had two realtors competing to lease him their latest properties. The first realtor opened his pitch bragging about the laundry list of folks who had rented property from him.
"I've rented out properties to Buddha himself, to four Norse gods, even Christ and a few of his dis...

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A politician passes away and arrives at the Pearly Gates........

St. Peter greets him. “Nice to meet you! You should know we give you the choice of whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.” “How do I know which one to pick?” the politician replies. “We let you spend a day in each, and then you may decide.” The politician agrees and is sent to the ...

A young Programmer and his Project Manager

board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they ar...

Jay-Z owned a baseball team.

From day one, it was a foregone conclusion that it would be a cellar-dwelling team. Everyone on that team had a batting average of below .150, and not a single player scored a home-run. The defense was horrible; every outfielder was scared of fly-balls, the infielders couldn’t catch line drives to s...

A man was looking for a job

A man was looking for a job. The only issue was that he had a harelip, so he was hard to understand. One day, he sees a man walking up the street selling laundry detergent door to door, and approaches him. The man says in a cracking voice, "excuse me sir, are you hiring?" The salesman replies, "I do...

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A Scottish man goes to his first baseball game...

The Scotsman sits down to enjoy the game and the first pitch is hit and the crowd jumps to their feet and cheers!

The man next to the Scotsman yells "RUN YOU BASTARD RUN!"

so the Scotsman echoes "RUN YOU BASTARD RUN!"

The next batter again makes contact with the pitch.

T...

A group of three successful bowlers traveled to every bowling alley in their county, talking trash at every alley and winning every game. Finally, the owner of an old ma and pa bowling alley had enough and invited them to a secret underground alley.

The old owner explained the rules to a new type of bowling.


"You place the ball at your feet, and then control the ball with your voice"


"That preposterous" said one of the bowlers.


"No, said the old owner, the acoustics in this room are so finely att...

Hurricane Season

The husband was ready for the last major hurricane to threaten their home, but his wife was not.

When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing iron and destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, his...

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After completing a celebrity pro-am golf tournament, Jackie Chan walks into the clubhouse bar...

As he makes his way through the crowd of professional golfers and lesser celebrities, he mentions to his playing partner, Phil Mickelson, that he makes a point of playing as many pro-ams as he can throughout the year because “it gives him a chance to network with other celebrities.”

At that v...

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Have I told you about the time I met the woman with the biggest pussy in the world? NSFW Long

So I’m in this bar minding my own business when a ‘lady of the night’ approaches me and gives me an offer I can’t refuse.

So next thing ya know we’re in the bathroom and she says:

‘I have to warn you, I have a pretty big sausage wallet.”

“Uhhm okay” I reply, wondering what I’v...

It’s a Mob boss’ 80th birthday

Three henchmen gathered around to see what they should do for his 80th. One of the henchmen says
“The boss is old, he hasn’t seen many women.”
Another henchman says
“We should get him something super”
The third henchman says
“Maybe a stripper?”
All of the henchmen say at once
...

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7 hilarious jokes

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says ...

Swamp Mom

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home. My wife doesnt like me to stay out during late night."

The first guy replies, "Ill help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home....

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You're lucky it wasn't the black horse!

About a month ago I was driving to my mothers house late on a Friday evening. It was pitch black, so I had the lights on high beam, and I was driving along a country road when all of a sudden my engine cut out. So I pulled over and got out to have a look - sometimes I can fix it myself. It was very ...

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Holmes and Watson have been tracking down a thief, who had been reported for stealing camping gear.

Using their marvellous detective work, they uncover the thief’s hoard of stolen camping gear, and are immediately praised. To celebrate their victory, Watson decides to take Holmes on a camping trip, using the criminal’s tent.

They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the midd...

"The Best Way To Stop A Bad Guy With A Gun Is With A Good Guy With A Gun"

Is an excellent sales pitch for doubling your sales.

[Long] The Farmers horse

There was a farmer who owned a small ranch with some livestock and two horses, Razzle and Dazzle. One day a traveling salesmen knocks on his door. While waiting for the farmer to answer he notices the horses racing around their pen. After he gives his sales pitch he says to the farmer:
"You know ...

Why did the tent company get no investors?

It was tough to pitch.

Whole Arm

So I’m fingering this fat girl and she's so sloppy, I start using two fingers. She says she barely feels it and says to stick my whole hand in. I told her no, that I didnt want to hurt her, but she insisted so I did. She moaned and demanded more! Amazed, l slid my whole arm up inside her and she moa...

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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

If a man convinces a woman to have a child with him and it turns out male...

Is the child considered a son of a pitch?

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

The Pope and an Athiest discuss God

The Pope and an atheist decided to debate the existence of God. At first the debate was reasonable and reasoned, but after some time it became more and more heated; until finally the Pope snapped at the Atheist:

"How can you deny the existence of the Almighty when you can see the mystereies ...

Selling Coke.

The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. B...

The Little Magic Frog [Long]

One day I'm out golfing and find myself stuck in a sand trap, when I hear a high pitch voice telling me to use my 5 iron. I look around and I don't see anyone nearby. I use my 5 iron and get an eagle! I then spot a little frog that tells me it is a magic frog and everything it says is the best thing...

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Kids these days...

A bunch of kids are playing football when someone kicks the ball over the fence through the window of the neighbour's house (breaking it in the process). No one wants to go and get the ball back since the owner is very strict, so they pick the kid who has the best manners to go and apologise.
...

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The FBI assassin joke, with the added joke from the comments!

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what th...

KFC seeks divine intervention.

When I tell this joke, I change it to Colonel Sanders making the pitch and mimic his unique voice.

KFC Pope

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our...

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A young man was having dinner with his girlfriend's family

and he wanted to make a good impression, but unfortunately he had diarrhea and gases that day. His stomach was aching with the gases, but he tried to maintain it. Despite his heroic efforts a small fart leaks out. "Rocky!" the mother scolds. Looking down the young man sees the family dog cower near ...

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A man goes to a gun store.

A man in a small town goes to a gun store to buy a new scope for his rifle. The store is located atop a hill that is only a short distance from his home. The clerk starts his sale pitch.

Clerk: "This is the best scope we sell. You'll be able to hit any target up to a mile away."

Man: "...

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Flying blind

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get underway.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind; the p...

A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train.

A young Swedish woman, an old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding on a train.
The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard.
The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.
The old Dutch woman...

2010. Football match between Brazil and Poland.

During the game Ronaldinho was the only one holding the ball. His teammates decided to leave him alone on the pitch.
After the game Ronaldinho meets his teammates at the bar.
- So how was the game?
- I have won 3 to 1.
- You only scored 3 goals? What happened?
- I was given a red car...

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Friedrich Nietzsche opened a club.

Overnight, it became the hottest new place in town. It seemed like everyone was turned away at the door for not meeting dress code. Eventually, one guy shows up and fights the bouncer after being rejected. When he won, the bouncer stripped naked, handed the guy his clothes, and told him he could hea...

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The darkest, most disgusting and offending jokes

Which way do you put a baby in the blender?
Well, it depends. Feet first if you want to see it scream, head first if you want to see the pussy.

How long can a nigger hold in shit? Nine months.

How do you know if a nigger is pregnant?
Stick a Q-tip in her pussy and check if it's b...

The CEO of a big company got abducted...

The abductors released a message through the PA system:

"Prepare ten million by noon or we burn him alive!"

The employees frantically decided to gather, and one proposed to pitch in together in order to help out.

Some pitched in five litres, some pitched in ten.

I heard they're letting girls join the boy scouts now.

They're going to help the boys pitch a tent.

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The English gentleman..

..Mr. Harold James Blessing was a renowned person. He’d retired from service in the British Army, and was revered and liked by all in the town for his best qualities.

One day, while visiting the countryside where he was quite popular, he spotted an immensely pretty, dazzling, drop dead gorgeo...

One I found this one here a while ago:

In a far a way land, there was a monastery where an angellic sounding choir would perform on a yearly basis.

One day, a young man was recruited by this choir. His beautuful tenor voice made all who herd it stop in amazement.

One thing you should know about this land is that music has m...

The sore throat

A man, tired and frustrated looking, walks into a private health clinic. He makes an appointment, then waits briefly to be asked in by the doctor.

The doctor asks what the matter seems to be.

The man responds: "Well, my throat's been hurting real bad for the last few weeks. I've been t...

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