SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know TUBA is also an acronym? Yeah really. It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

Compliments of Hank Green

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A woman decides to kill her self

She has had enough. Everyone is seeing her as a object and wants to have sex with her. So she jumps out of the 5th floor.

A man in the 4th floor sees her falling and catches her.

"What do you think you're doing?", he says, "Life is good. We can go to cinema. We can have some Ice Cream...

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

You have to admire Amish people for their great sense of self-derision. You can find tons of jokes making fun of them on Reddit...

But you never see one of them writing a disapproving comment below.

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As a self-employed, work-at-home guy during the pandemic

I'd like you to meet the employee of the month, Dick!

Please stand up and be recognized.

What kind of appointment lowers your self- esteem?

Disappointment

Did you hear about the paranoid with low self-esteem

He thought nobody important was out to get him

I've just had that dreaded call telling me I have to self isolate!

Apparently my roommates cat has Covid 19!

Don't ask Meow

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem...

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.


One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him,


“Why did you stand up?”
He answered, “I d...

The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...

It'll be known as the National Elf Service.

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My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class

I replied, "no wonder you're the biggest dick'

this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself

I don't understand why people keep telling me that I have no self-reflection

Something's clearly wrong with them.

I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor...

... too bad I suck at telling jokes.

I wrote relationship advice for my future self couple years ago, since single people give the best advice.

I still give great advice.

After some of time self-reflection I came to realize

That I was not a vampire.

Self depreciation is my best skill,

And I'm pretty bad at it.

I got in touch with my inner self today.

I'm never buying cheap toilet paper again.

If you lose one of your senses, your other senses get enhanced

This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self'importance.

When we have self-driving cars, I’m pretty sure . . .

my wife will complain about its driving too.

I was told I make "too many jokes" about my self, and that the value of my humor is "depreciating"

I said "it's pronounced deprecating"

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What do you call a horny emo who practices self-control?

An edgelord

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

Why do Python programmers have low self esteem?

They're constantly comparing their self to other.

Self-driving cars will never work right.

No matter how you try, it will always be buggy code.

I’m fat but I self identify as thin.

I’m trans slender

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I went to a self help group for people that suffer from Premature Ejaculation last night

They said to get there at 7 but I came early.

My psychiatrist said that I have too much self esteem.

I think he's very wrong.

Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger.

Edit: thank you for the titanium kind stranger

Edit: oh my God I can't believe I got a ternion all powerful!

Your past self is an a-hole for leaving all these chores for you to do

...luckily your future self surely has more time than you now have, so you can rely on him doing them

A self-proclaimed genius walks into a bar and says...

..."I'm the smartest person in the world. In fact, I know every single word in this dictionary!" he yells at the crowd.

One of the patrons takes the dictionary and says, "Okay, tell me the meaning of the words *humility, charity,* and *patience."*

The genius replies, "Oh, so you're jus...

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Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

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I’m really self conscious about masturbating while lying on my back

I’m scared my dad will walk into the room and see the hole in the ceiling

Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.

They’re going to call it the iAye

The job posting said they were looking for a self-starter

so I called and told them I was hired.

Lawyer Joke

A man is visiting a seaside town and walks into a pawn shop. He sees a large statue of a rat. “How much for the rat statue?” he asks. The pawnbroker responds, “It’s $10 for the statue, but $20 if you want the story that goes with it,” to which the customer replied, “I only want the statue.”

H...

What do you call a tomato that self-identifies as a carrot?

A transplant.

A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? 

‘What’s that?’, he asked. 

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. 

As his mind began to embrace the i...

An Indian family went into self quarantine

after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything.

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Self deprecating romanian humor

Three explorers are caught by a savage tribe and brought before the chief. An american, a romanian and a russian.

chief says "we've had a good hunt so we won't eat you outright, but instead, for the tribe's benefit we will offer you three ways out: pay 100$, take a good beating or eat a bucke...

With the rise of self driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time...

Until there's a country song where the guy's truck leaves him.

I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no

“You can taekwondo”

A British tabloid has just run a story about how self conscious I am.

Its really upset me, I hate seeing myself in The Mirror.

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I just lost my virginity.

The experience changed me completely. It absolutely altered my self-image.

It's like I have entered another body.

I got in touch with my inner self this morning.

That's the last time I buy one ply toilet paper.

An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.

One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars. Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride. She refused, quipping "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride. Again H...

The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.

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Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

Why are artists so good at self control?

Because they always know where to draw the line.

How to stop the church gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new m...

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Two virgin dwarves

Two virgin dwarves decide to go to a local brothel.

They arrive at the brothel, organise payment and are allocated a girl and a room each.

The first dwarf, lying on the bed next to the prostitute, starts to feel really self-conscious and nervous and can't get an erection however hard h...

I feel so self-conscious when I'm at home

It's difficult dealing with all the *stairs*

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

I went to a self defense course...

I still don't know many techniques I kendo to defend myself.

Today I had both colonoscopy and gastroscopy, and in a few hours, well...

I'll see my self out.

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Don’t urinate on people in self defense

You’re just going to make them more pissed

i wrote this as a kid: Why did Jesus have low self esteem

He was Jewish. He didn’t believe in himself.

I recently completed a self defence course

I tell you what, the next person who attacks me in slow motion has a thing or two coming.

The best time to engage yourself in a long, self-reflection is...

....when you're getting a haircut.

Why Women Need a Husband?

Why Women Need a Husband?

A Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I don't want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don't need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great ...

I'm thinking of making a series of non-gloss self portrait dinner placemats

I'll name it My Multitude of Matte Mats of Matt by Matt

There once was a bee

He was a very charming and funny bee. But when he saw this beeutiful girl bee, he changed. He got shy when ever she was a around. He couldn’t look her in the eye, or even buzz a few words to her beefore feeling sick. Eventually, he realized that it wasn’t meant to bee, so he gave up on her. He retur...

Self analysis

If you don't know what that is then you need to take a hard, long look at yourself

Just came from a bookstore where I asked the saleswoman how to find the self-help section...

she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose...

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

A Husband and Wife were messaging each other.

Husband: You are negative

Wife: And you are stubborn, arrogant, a low life, care about no one but yourself and your friends, all you are interested in is your own self, and in all your life you've not fulfilled even one of your promises. I’m the only one that has to put up with such a miserly...

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago?

K, 9.

A teenage girl is about to go on her first date and asks her mother, "Do I look pretty?"

Her mother says, "I can't answer that, honey."

"Why not?" asks her daughter. "I've spent an hour getting ready and I really want an opinion about how I look."

Her mother says, "What's important is how you feel."

"Mom!" says the girl, "This is important to me! I'm feeling very se...

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

What do you call a self-contradictory idiot from Australia?

An "Aussie-Moron"

If self sabotage was a sport

I would find a way to lose.

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The vagina...

The best engine in the world. It can be started with one finger. It's self lubricating. It takes any size piston and change's its own oil every four weeks. It just a pity the management system is so fucking tempermental!!

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A man is driving down the road when his car breaks down beside a monastery

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.
...

After making love, the man excused himself and went into the bathroom.

When he returned, the woman sat up in bed and remarked, "I can tell you are a doctor by the way you washed your hands before and after. "
"Well, that's right, " the fellow said with a self-satisfied grin. "Do you know what kind?"
The woman replied, " I would say an anesthesiologist. "
"How ...

What are 4 words that can ruin a man's self esteem?

"Is it in yet?"

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The pepper, the pickle, and the penis

Commiserating together at the bar are a pepper, a pickle, and a penis.

The pepper says, “Nobody understands the hell I’ve been through. When you’re a pepper, they take you in the prime of your life and throw you on a hot, tin roof to suffer in the sun until you’re a husk of your former self.”...

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

I enjoy self-deprecating humour a lot.

I’m just not very good at it.

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An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then...

I love self derogratory humor

I never run out of jokes

I heard self-deprecation is a sign of self obsession,

Good thing I suck at self deprecation.

Heard this ADhD joke a while back. A man walks into a bar with a penguin and a foul-mouthed parrot and somehow wins a bet or something.

Sorry, I guess I wasn't really paying attention.



I heard that people like self deprecating jokes

Too bad I am not good at them

Why was the other bread jealous of the flat bread that started his own business?

He was a self made naan

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

Self-deprecation jokes are a lot like me.

Both are dumb, pointless, and laughed at by everyone else.

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife

"You're too fat"

I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers.

It's called On and On Anon.

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An Irish man loved his golf, but he was a terrible golfer, it would seem, as he often found himself hunting for his balls in the woods

on one such occasion, he happened upon a leprechaun. whom it would appear he had accidently hit with his errant shot.

Gently shaking him awake, he asks "Are you ok?"

"Aye, you show such kindness to me. I will grant ye three wishes."


"T'is OK, I am already blessed enough...

What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?

Mumbai

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid for his self-defense

He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fence.

I’m done making self deprecating jokes!

I’m not funny enough anyway.

Apple finally enters the electric car market

But their vehicles don’t come a charger and attempts to self service will render the vehicle immobilized

Whenever I get very angry or if I hurt my self, I shout out the sounds of migratory birds...

...which usually leaves me apologizing to someone for using fowl language.

Did you hear the joke about censorship?

You might expect to simply see the word \[removed\] here, but actually most censorship is self-censorship whereby people edit their own work to pre-empt any conflict with the censors, so please DM me for the answer to this joke

I like making self-deprecating jokes.

You should know, they are not that great.

A man was brought to the police station to describe the suspect for a police sketch but is hesitant because the perpetrator was actually him.

His conscience urges him to tell the truth. It might as well be his self-defining moment.

Caesar: Brutus, what do you call those pillars we use in our buildings?

Brutus: Columns, sir.
Caesar: You call them sir? I know you don't have the authority I do, but have *some* self-respect.

I know a lot of people find self-isolation hard, but I can honestly say...

I've never felt more at home.

(Credit: Celia Pacquola)

I'm reading a self-help book on the importance of being able to let things go.

I can't put it down.

Why did Mick, the French baker, have to self-isolate? [Genuine OC, I promise]

...Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie

I always like to finish my conversations with a self-deprecating joke...

...like me.

Trump says he’s a self-made man.

I think it’s decent of him to take the blame.

I was gonna try taking some steps to boost my self esteem...

But to be perfectly honest, I don't think I deserve it.

April 4th National School Librarian Day

I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the self-help books.
She said, “that sort of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?”

I was walking across the road and someone opened their window and threw a block of cheddar at me

I thought to my self,
“Well that wasn’t very mature.”

Being self employed sucks

My boss is always threatening to kill me

All my friends told me I have no self-awareness

Ridiculous, if I had no self-awareness I think I'd know.

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Day 365 without sex in isolation and self quarantine:

Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies.

Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start.

The self isolation is keeping families united

My dad finally returned home with the milk

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

With all this self-quarantine going on, in 9 months there will be a baby boom....

...And the top baby names will be Covid and Corona.

The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

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I really hate my past self,

rumor has it he used to fuck my wife.

Saw an old friend yesterday. As a joke I grabbed his hand and made him hit him self while I joked, "Why are you hiring yourself? Stop hitting yourself!"

His wife screamed and cried and the funeral director asked me to leave. Goddamn Philistines....

I’ve decided to self isolate for the next two weeks.

I’m not ill, I’m just sick of the wife and kids.

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

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What's the worst part of being a self-employed, one person work from home business?

The constant sexual harassment, from the boss, while you're just trying to get work done.

Had me a Barack Obama valentines day.

Obama self.

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The boredom of self isolation. Day (9)

Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a naked flame to the base, it eventually gets sucked in?

If you did know this, and you know how to get it out, please message me ...............Urgently.

A 70 year old woman finally agreed to a blind date.

After ordering his food, the man said, "I have to be careful what I eat. I have dentures. Do you wear dentures?"

The woman, who was also clearly wearing dentures, but was too self-conscious to admit that, answered, "No, not me."

"Oh really?" said the man, "I don't think you are very to...

Self deprecation is definitely the lowest form of humour.

that's why I use it all the time

Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection,

do Librarians get to take suppressors?

I asked the doctor if I could sew up my own wound.

He said "suture self"

This self isolation is so bad,I've been crushing on my room mate

and we've been married twenty years!

Different names for a Power On Self Test, when it goes wrong and smoke comes out of the device:

Power On Smoke Test

Power On (and) S#!T Trousers

Power Oh S#!T TURNITOFF

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What do you call an anal sex toy that is constantly self advertising?

A shameless plug

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I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

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I over heard my wife on the phone, "my husband got a penis enlargement during the self quarantine."

Yeah the prick gained 20 pounds!

I go to the store and buy 4 bags of chips and 6 sodas, if I eat 3 bags of chips and drinks 5 sodas what do I have?

No self-control.

My art teacher said my self portrait looked horrible

However she did say it was extremely realistic and lifelike.

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Taking the "hands on" approach to self isolation turned out to be globally recognized advice from Pornhub.

[NSFW]

The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project.

The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want.

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