UPJOKE
individualegopersonexperienceconsciousnessitselfpersonalanneitheranysubjectphenomenonsomeonesoulmortal

Today, I got in touch with my inner self...

I will never buy cheap toilet paper again

My self-published novel

Isn’t going to publish itself.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where’s the self-help section?"

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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The truest form of self-deception

The truest form of self-deception: Faking an orgasm when masturbating.

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

Tell me a joke about self-centered people

I’ll go first

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour, have a heightened sense of self-importance.

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

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Old save file on my N64 says a lot about my self confidence back then

Named myself "DumbButt"

I'm happy to report that I am now a happy adult, replaying my favourite game as SmartAss

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Wrote it me self

11 survivalists plan their escape and meet at 5 am in the forest. Ten men show off all the bounty, guns, food, water, batteries, everything you could need. A woman shows up late with a tiny rucksack. The men say, look at everything we brought, what the hell did you bring?

She answers: A vagi...

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

As part of my path to enlightenment, I buy my toilet paper from the dollar store.

It helps me get in touch with my inner self.

I wish I were better at self deprecating jokes

Unfortunately I'm far too insecure about myself to make them

I got in touch with my inner-self the other day

That’s the last time I use value toilet paper.

All these dating sites are terrible for your self esteem.

If I wanted to feel neglected I’d go sit with my wife.

My self-deprecating jokes never get a laugh…

I guess I’m not very good at telling them.

My car is one of those self driving cars..

But it can only do it for about 20 seconds before it becomes one of those self crashing cars.

I have two arms for my self defence and they work everytime.

Dont know who they actually belongs to but it freaks out the opponent whenever i take them out.

Just saw that our local Police Department got 2 huge new trucks with "Criminal Gang Unit" labeled on the sides.

Finally, some self awareness.

I spent all my money on self-help books.

I just couldn't help myself.

SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym.

It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"

Did you hear about the marble statue with low self esteem?

She was taken for granite

A man went into a bookshop and asked 'Where's the self-help section please?

'If I told you, it would defeat the purpose' replied the shop assistant.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

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A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree."


The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree."


The missionary is plea...

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A woman decides to kill her self

She has had enough. Everyone is seeing her as a object and wants to have sex with her. So she jumps out of the 5th floor.

A man in the 4th floor sees her falling and catches her.

"What do you think you're doing?", he says, "Life is good. We can go to cinema. We can have some Ice Cream...

What do you call an emo a Capella group?

Self Harmony

Sobriety self check

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?



The first shucks between fits....


If you can say that without screwing it up then you're not too drunk to drive.

I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, brui...

Kendall Jenner is the worlds youngest billionaire

She’s followed in her father’s footsteps in becoming a self-made woman

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Chocolate

An older woman is going to the ice cream parlor to order gallons of ice cream for her self. When she arrives, the man at the counter greets her and asks her what ice cream she would like.

So she asks "I would like a gallon of vanilla, strawberry, sherbert, and Chocolate."

The gentlema...

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My therapist told me I am quite self aware.

I already knew that.

Look! Magic!

One day, an explorer was captured by native warriors and taken to their chieftain, a gigantic man with teeth filed to dagger-like points. Desperately, the explorer tried to think of a way to save him self. He pulled out his cigarette lighter, held it in front of the chief's face and lit it, exclaimi...

Some people say I'm self centered

But that's enough about them.

You have to admire Amish people for their great sense of self-derision. You can find tons of jokes making fun of them on Reddit...

But you never see one of them writing a disapproving comment below.

A self-help book sold 3000 copies on the day of its release.

A self-help book sold 3000 copies on the day of its release because of a typo error.

The title read 'How to change your wife'.

My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"

"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

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What do you call a prostitute that is masturbating?

Self employed

What is the most self-absorbed gas?

MEthane.

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went to the self help group "Lazy Bastards Anonymous"

No one was there.

Yo mama is such a Karen

Her self-entitlement has its own reserved parking space in front of Walmart

First time horseback riding. I almost died!

I had a friend ask if I wanted to go horseback riding. I've never been so I said yes!

I got on the back of this horse and it turns out when you are on the back of a horse it feels like you are going faster than if you were in a car.

Me and this horse started going and It felt like I ...

There is a group of Amish engineers who created the hardware and software for a small self-driving horseless carriage.

It's a little buggy.

What do you call a tomato that self-identifies as a carrot?

A Transplant.

self-reliant father !!!!!!!!!

One day teacher asked Sam that did his father help him with his homework.
Sam simply said that “No, he did it all by himself”!

Why can't vampires ever grow as people?

Because they're incapable of self reflection

A friend asked: "Now that you're self-employed; are you going to let your hair grow?"

I replied: "I'm letting it, but it's not taking advantage of the opportunity."

Can we dissect a classic joke??

I was driving through a rural area this afternoon when a chicken began to cross the road.

I chuckled at the little clucker and began to recite the classic joke in my head...

"Why did the chicken cross the road??"

I arrived at a predictable reaction; "this is a boring joke...it's...

With the rise of self driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time...

Until there's a country song where the guy's truck leaves him.

Trey Parker goes back in time to his 7 year old self at Casa Bonita...

Look, in the future you are going to have a very successful TV show for over 20 years, over 4 movies, Broadway accolades and a billion dollars. Also, you own Casa Bonita now.
And his 7 year old self says with excitement "I'm gonna own Casa Bonita?!"

I don't consider my self a necrophilia,

... but more of a paleontologist.

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Self deprecating romanian humor

Three explorers are caught by a savage tribe and brought before the chief. An american, a romanian and a russian.

chief says "we've had a good hunt so we won't eat you outright, but instead, for the tribe's benefit we will offer you three ways out: pay 100$, take a good beating or eat a bucke...

How does Zorro pay for his groceries at the self-service checkout?

On card!

I just shot my protein all over my desk, pants, floor and my sheets nearby even though my hand was covering the tip.

Note to self, don't mix whey protein with sparkling water, it will explode.

Self depreciation is my best skill,

And I'm pretty bad at it.

I was in the car with my family, talking about self esteem...

My 6 six year old daughter says... "daddy, what happens when you look in the mirror and you're ugly?" I'm immediately concerned and ask her "sweety, did someone say something mean to you? you are beautiful". She quickly replies, "no daddy, I was talking about you."

Two guys were walking down the road when they came upon a male dog licking his self.

One guy says I wish I could do that and the other guy says you better make sure he’ll let you pet him first...

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A college student was driving through rural Scotland on holiday

When he came across an old stone pub that must have been several hundred years old. He thought to himself that this could be an opportunity to sample some of the local ale, so he parked and headed inside.

When he opened the door, however, the bar was empty except for one old bartender polish...

I've just had that dreaded call telling me I have to self isolate!

Apparently my roommates cat has Covid 19!

Don't ask Meow

I bought a book calling itself 'The Bible of being a self-entitled white woman'

It's called the Ka'ran

After some of time self-reflection I came to realize

That I was not a vampire.

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

I’m fat but I self identify as thin.

I’m trans slender

I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no

“You can taekwondo”

An Indian family went into self quarantine

after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything.

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

What kind of appointment lowers your self- esteem?

Disappointment

What do you have if you eat 3.14 cakes

No self control

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem...

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.


One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him,


“Why did you stand up?”
He answered, “I d...

My psychiatrist said that I have too much self esteem.

I think he's very wrong.

Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger.

Edit: thank you for the titanium kind stranger

Edit: oh my God I can't believe I got a ternion all powerful!

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My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class

I replied, "no wonder you're the biggest dick'

this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself

I don't understand why people keep telling me that I have no self-reflection

Something's clearly wrong with them.

It's okay if you don't like self-deprecating humor.

You don't have to be hard on yourself.


(I'm pretty sure I just wrote that joke today. Though, I am a firm believer that no thoughts are original.)

I love hearing accountants tell jokes.

Especially when they’re self depreciating.

(OC by me)

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Why do Python programmers have low self esteem?

They're constantly comparing their self to other.

My wife said we need to sit down and talk about our future, and I was like 'Yeah gonna be awesome! Flying Cars, Colonies on Mars!, Self fixing robots it's gonna be amazing!!'

Not what she meant, am now single.

The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...

It'll be known as the National Elf Service.

I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

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The aspiring comedian (not that funny but I made it myself)

So this aspiring comedian went to his local comedy club, like he did most weekends, and to his surprise his all time favorite comedian was doing a out of the blue performance at his local comedy club.

So he bought him self a ticket and proceeded to have one of the best nights of his life, ...

I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor...

... too bad I suck at telling jokes.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform pre...

I wrote relationship advice for my future self couple years ago, since single people give the best advice.

I still give great advice.

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Don’t urinate on people in self defense

You’re just going to make them more pissed

The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.

When we have self-driving cars, I’m pretty sure . . .

my wife will complain about its driving too.

Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.

They’re going to call it the iAye

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What do you call a horny emo who practices self-control?

An edgelord

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I went to a self help group for people that suffer from Premature Ejaculation last night

They said to get there at 7 but I came early.

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

A self-proclaimed genius walks into a bar and says...

..."I'm the smartest person in the world. In fact, I know every single word in this dictionary!" he yells at the crowd.

One of the patrons takes the dictionary and says, "Okay, tell me the meaning of the words *humility, charity,* and *patience."*

The genius replies, "Oh, so you're jus...

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

I was told I make "too many jokes" about my self, and that the value of my humor is "depreciating"

I said "it's pronounced deprecating"

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’

The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’

The other bloke answers, ‘...

A British tabloid has just run a story about how self conscious I am.

Its really upset me, I hate seeing myself in The Mirror.

The job posting said they were looking for a self-starter

so I called and told them I was hired.

It takes me 5 minutes to get to the bar.

But it takes me 45 minutes to get back.

The difference is staggering.

I'll see my self out. :)

Your past self is an a-hole for leaving all these chores for you to do

...luckily your future self surely has more time than you now have, so you can rely on him doing them

I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today!

I guess it’s my own fault for using the self checkout lane.

I strongly recommend against stitching up your own wounds.

But if you insist, suture self.

Why did Jeffrey Epstein kill himself?

Because he had low self Epstein.

Self-driving cars will never work right.

No matter how you try, it will always be buggy code.

Do you want to know why I hate Russian dolls?

Because they are so full of them selfs

*ba dum tiss*

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What do Canadians call a wet pussy?

An eager beaver.

Only reason I thought of this was because I'm polishing my resume and looked up synonyms for self-starter, and one was eager beaver. One thing led to another, and I thought of this lol.

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church bulletin bloopers

*These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:*
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for ...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

Why are artists so good at self control?

Because they always know where to draw the line.

I went to a self defense course...

I still don't know many techniques I kendo to defend myself.

I recently completed a self defence course

I tell you what, the next person who attacks me in slow motion has a thing or two coming.

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I’m really self conscious about masturbating while lying on my back

I’m scared my dad will walk into the room and see the hole in the ceiling

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I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers.

It's called On and On Anon.

[OC. Hope you like!] Every birthday my Grandmother makes me hand sewn clothing as a gift and mails them from her hometown...

... Last year she sent me an oversized ascot. Now, I haven't seen her since I was a kid and I'm an average sized adult male now, but my sweet grandmother must have thought I grew into being a giant because everything she sends me is extremely large and I just can't fit anything she makes so I simpl...

What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?

Mumbai

What are 4 words that can ruin a man's self esteem?

"Is it in yet?"

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

Self analysis

If you don't know what that is then you need to take a hard, long look at yourself

I wish my grass was emo

So it would cut its self

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The Princess Royal is being shown around a military hospital.

As she approaches one of the beds the soldier blushes red and tries to hide under the sheet, but HRH is having none of it, and she asks the RSM showing her round: "What is this man's ailment, sergeant-major?".

"Haemorrhoids, ma'am!" says the RSM crisply. HRH curves a well-mannered eyebrow whi...

Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago?

K, 9.

I heard that people like self deprecating jokes

Too bad I am not good at them

i wrote this as a kid: Why did Jesus have low self esteem

He was Jewish. He didn’t believe in himself.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it

I think I managed to cover my tracks

If I win 1million lottery I'm gonna give quarter to charity.

Then I'm gonna keep the $999999.75 for my self

My lifegoal

At the age of:

3 - able to control my bladder

5 - able to self-feed

18 - able to drive

20 - have a girlfriend

30 - is rich

40 - is rich

50 - still rich

60 - still have a girlfriend

70 - still able to drive

80 - still able to self...

They finally figured out why the computerized self driving car has crashed...

They didn't install the driver.

The best time to engage yourself in a long, self-reflection is...

....when you're getting a haircut.

Mildred, the local gossip and self appointed keeper of the church’s morals, kept poking her nose into other people’s business.

Several members of the church did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but kept to themselves in fear of reprisal.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, George, of being an alcoholic after seeing his old pickup parked outside the town’s only pub one afternoo...

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I really hate my past self,

rumor has it he used to fuck my wife.

I feel so self-conscious when I'm at home

It's difficult dealing with all the *stairs*

Self-deprecation jokes are a lot like me.

Both are dumb, pointless, and laughed at by everyone else.

What do you call a self-contradictory idiot from Australia?

An "Aussie-Moron"

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I really dislike my boss.

He's lazy, has bad people skills, and doesn't know his asshole from a hole in the ground. I hate being self-employed somedays.

Trump says he’s a self-made man.

I think it’s decent of him to take the blame.

I'm thinking of making a series of non-gloss self portrait dinner placemats

I'll name it My Multitude of Matte Mats of Matt by Matt

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