I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

A girl goes to a psychiatrist and complains, “I don’t want to marry, I am educated, independent and self sufficient. I don’t need a husband but my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

Psychiatrist: “You, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But sometimes you will not go in the way you want. Sometimes you will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plan won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then whom will you blame? Will you blame yourself?”...

I once got in touch with my inner self

That's the last time I'll use 1 ply toilet paper

After creating the Nile, God became the first self promoter on twitch.

"Check out my stream!"

My wife is really self-conscious about how thick her eyebrows are

I told her she's crazy; most women would kill for *half* her eyebrows

As an expert, I was going to write a self-help book on apathy, called "The A-Bs of Apathy".

But realized I couldn't care less.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

I'm training to be an anaesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"

He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"

Those of you who aint doing the No Nut November Challenge this year, you lack self control and discipline

You are nuttin

A rope walks into a bar and then the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind” So the rope walks out and unties him self, he walks back into the bar and then the bartender says “Hey aren’t you the guy from before?” The rope then said,

The rope then says
“No I’m a frayed knot”

I figured out why lazy people are going to love self-driving cars.

It's because they have no drive.

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing u...

Self mutilating cannibals are....

So full of themselves

Why couldn’t the self-driving car start after its interface update?

It didn’t download the right drivers

I have such low self esteem

When I take a shower I realize how people missed opportunities to cleverly insult me

How do you turn flour into self-raising flour?

Kick it out on to the streets

My dog is self-conscious about his condition, and runs away when confronted about it.

People: "What is it that you have?"

Dog: *flees*

I can see my self

Working in a mirror factory

I followed an ugly person on Instagram to try to help raise their self esteem

but all it said was "Edit Profile".

Self-deprecation

The one and only thing I am any good at

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mind is occupied by two things only,1. self pity

2. masturbation - which eventually drops down to self pity in about 10 sec

Everyone says I'm best at self deprecating humor

But I don't think it's very good

You may think you're saving money at a self-serve gas station

You're only fueling yourself.

I love self deprecating humor

More than I love myself

I only use self service checkouts....

They always have the hottest cashiers

I had a friend that used to self-harm when he was bullied...

I used to think "whose side are you on?"

I went to a support group for people with low self esteem

As an activity to boost our self esteem, the instructor had us all go around in a circle and say one thing that we had accomplished in our life.

When it got to me, I told them that once I put a USB in right on the first try!

"I'm sorry, you must be in the wrong group," said the instruc...

This young generation with their computers and internet are so self absorbed.

It's all meme, meme, meme..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was feeling self conscious about her looks and said "I'm fucking ugly".

To which I responded, "we could have sex... then I'd be fucking ugly".

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

Recently, I discovered my fetish for self discovery.

I just came to that conclusion!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professio...

Self confidence boost didn't quite work so well

So me and my dad were talking about my school and he said:

"You're good at school but bad with self-confidence."

Me: "ok"

Dad: "Wayne Rooney was good at football (soccer for the Americans, I'm English) but bad at school

Stephen hawkings was good at being an astronomer bu...

What do you call a God without self-confidence?

An atheist

With the rise of self driving cars,

It's only a matter of time until there's a country song about a guy's car leaving him.

I once met my future self and he told me:

If you can only once travel back in time to give yourself advice, go further back than four sec....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn You Autocorrect

A year ago, drunk and lonely, I stumbled upon Reddit by mistake when I was looking for RedTube. A year later the difference is obvious; one is a site full of naked people with no self respect, moaning and saying or doing all sorts of degrading things just to get some attention. The other appears to ...

So, you don't trust a doctor to stitch you up?

Fine. Suture self.

The athiest lost a lot of self esteem when someone said he looked just like Jesus.

He just didn't believe in himself anymore.





(Reposted because the first time I put "Jessus" and that just makes it seem like an atheist lost his confidence because someone said he looked like a mexican and that just doesn't make sense)

I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the "self help" books.

She said "that sort of defeats the purpose doesn't it"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Uncle just said to me, “All these mass shooting are happening because kids these days are so self entitled.”

I said, “Why? Because they want to keep all the bullets?”

Seriously, Fuck Him.

So, after reading a bunch of “self-help” books, I’ve FINALLY found the secret to financial success!!

I think I’m going to write a self-help book!

It was an overwhelming experience when I touched my inner self.

Anyway, I only use 4-ply toilet paper since then.

Form the self employer's handbook:

There is no "we" in "team"

Did y’all hear about the guy who shot himself in Walmart in Black Friday?

They’re calling it a self-checkout

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Program for a mobile device. 3 letters

Wife: App

Husband: Common Jewish surname, 5 letters

Wife: Stein

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Male poss...

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The boy with the wooden eye.

There was a poor kid in Highschool who only had one eye. He couldn't afford a glass eye so he had one made out of wood. The wooden eye looked terrible and he was very self-conscious about it.

Despite his appearance he always tried to score a date with the hottest girls in school. One day in ...

Self-depricating humor is the best kind of humor...

Except when I do it.

I noticed that my local convent has no security around the building, so I helped my self

No 'fence.


Nun taken.

Ah, self deprication, I know it well.

Defecation*, my bad.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it

I think I managed to cover my tracks

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

If you have a friend that can’t put sunscreen on their back and is self conscious about it,

Don’t rub it in

In contrast to God, scientists must have a very low self esteem.

Whenever the result of an experiment differs from the prediction, they think it was their fault.

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

The steps in my house are making me feel self-conscious.

All they do is stair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What could possibly be making such a seductive sound?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

I just nutted on my boss's daughter

Sadly, im self-employed.

I stopped a woman from being kidnapped today

My self control is really improving

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My self esteem is the size of my penis

I’m a girl

(Sorry if this joke was used somewhere before, I’m fairly new to Reddit)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bono, the lead singer of U2 is known for being self-righteous ...

... He is also an A-list rock and roll celebrity.



At a recent concert in Glasgow Scotland, he asked the audience for complete and utter silence.



Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds. Holding the audience hostage in total silen...

I have heard that self deprecation is the highest form of comedy

Too bad I'm not funny.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How are Trump and a diaper the same?

Both are self absorbed and full of shit.

doctor 1: this sailor broke his nose from crashing onto land.

doctor 1: Luckily they're just mariner injuries.

doctor 2: are you shore? they seem pretty bad to me.

doctor 1: nonsense, you can seafarer self.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim was out drinking at the bar, when all of a sudden he pukes all over his shirt. "Dammit!" Jim yells "My wife is going to kill me when she finds out I was drinking and puked all over my self!"

"I have an idea" the man sitting next to him said "Here." and hands Jim a $50 bill.

"What's this for?" Jim asked.

"When you get home tonight, just tell your wife I threw up on you as you passed me on the street and I gave you the money for cleaning.".

"Great idea" Jim replies...

Kylie Jenner is a self-made billionaire!

Just like her dad is a self-made woman.

Did you hear about the kid who always kept a drawing pin in his pocket during self-defense class?

Apparently he had heard that a tack is the best form of defense.

I hate when people ask me how I see my self in one year

I don’t have 2020 vision.

Did you guys hear about the controversial self-flagellator who finally quit?

I guess he got tired of all the backlash.

I was being interviewed for a job the other day. One of the questions was 'Where do you see your self 12 months from now?'.

I said 'I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision'.

I heard the counselling course for self harmers is fully booked

Those who missed out are kicking themselves.

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

How does Milk introduce its self in Spanish?

Soy Milk

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm still tired after my first French self defence class...

I've never run so much in my whole life!

A girl is looking in the mirror feeling very self-conscious about her body. She tells her boyfriend laying on the bed that she feels fat and if he could give her a compliment to feel better.

The boyfriend says “Your eyesight is perfect.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between self-defecating and self-deprecating humor is that...

One you shit yourself and the other you shit on yourself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elon Musk: Tesla cars now have full self driving capabilities.

PornHub: "Tinder date comes in me in a Tesla on autopilot"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day A fish was looking at a fly but the fly was six inches two high for the fish to jump up and get it

and fish said to himself.
“If that fly drops six inches and I can jump up and grab it I could get my self a pretty good meal.” But unlucky for the fish to know there was a bear who was watching the fish who was watching the fly and the bear said to himself.
“If the fly drops six inches and the...

I make a lot of self-deprecating jokes.

Not that I’m any good at them or anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked into kindergarten on my first day of school...

I was worried, but nonetheless excited to learn. We began by learning about animals. My teacher asked students what their favorite animal was and when it was my turn I said “Pink Flamingo”

The teacher began screaming and sent me to the principals office. “Why are you here son”, he asked. I to...

There's nothing wrong with being a self-made man...

Unless you have a time machine and an Oedipus complex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True story

My wife comes at home in a hurry:

**—** Honey, I'm late for my gynecologist appointment! Don't have time to shower and shave, I'll just wash down there and I'll go. 5 min later she rushes out the door.

When she comes back, she's angry as hell:

**—** That son of a bitch, he's bee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wanna hear a self deprecating joke?

I think gays are stupid.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high for her self portrait.

She looked extremely surprised.

They finally figured out why the computerized self driving car has crashed...

They didn't install the driver.

The American view of the world is too self-centered...

I mean on maps they literally label their country "US."

What's the worst part about a self-deprecating joke?

I'm too stupid to make one.

Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...

I have selfish steam issues.

What do you call an Emo A capella group?

Self Harmony

A French, English, and American man go on a vacation together in the Amazon.

Will they’re on their trip, they’re hunted down and trapped by some scary natives. The men are scared and ask “Why are you doing this?”. The native chief responds, “ I plan on skinning you all and using your skin for cups!” The trapped men make a request to at least choose how they die. The chief li...

Self depreciation is the best type of depreciation

Because you don't lose anything of value.

Only self aware people will understand this joke.

You know who you are.

Sometimes self-care means cutting out toxic people.

If you ever met my conjoined twin, Your Honor, I think you'd understand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A seamen, an airmen, and a green beret, are stranded on an island...

and captured by a tribe of cannibals. The tribe ties them up and brings them in front of the chief. The chief explains to them, “We are going to eat you and skin you and use you to make our new canoes. We thank you for this gift and as a thank you we will allow you to choose the way you die.”
...

I know this guy who claims to be a self Cannibal

He's so full of himself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the peak of men's self-confidence?

It's when a gorgeus lady performs a fellatio for half an hour, yet your general refuses to stand up straight. You look down to the lady and say: "My dear girl, does that happen often to you?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a scientist

That claimed that all ants are constipated.
A tabloid sent a reporter to investigate his claims.
The reporter traveled miles and miles and reached his expedition in the Amazon, finding him surrounded by students looking in awe at him picking ants off a colony.

The journalist respectfull...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Roman Soldiers are standing guard...

In an attempt to make conversation, guard 1 makes a suggestion:

1: What if we had a word to describe people who haven’t had sex? What would it be?

2: Why would you think that!? It’s an arbitrary category and could make people uncomfortable. Think about their self esteem!

1: Calm...

The all new self-driving Tesla has a shower facility in it

Time to get rid of that Musk

"Where there's a will, there's a way" is a great self motivational phrase

Until an inheritance is involved

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

Self-deprecating humour is my specialty...

I mean, it’s easy when you’ve got so much to work with.

After a bad cut, I asked the ER nurse if I could do my own stitches.

She said, “Suture self.”

Galileo stated that everything falls at the same speed, however this is not true

My self esteem falls pretty fast

Did you hear about the self-portrait scandal?

Turns out, he was framed.

I like making self deprecating jokes...

Because all my other ones suck

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

I like self deprecating humour.

Although I’m not very good at it.

The Cheerio Story

They call it... the Cheerio Story

So there's this Cheerio walking down the street one day when he finds a magic lamp. He gives it a rub, and a genie popa out and says
> Mortal Cheerio, for freeing me from my prison, I shall grant you three wishes.

The cheerio thinks on this... an...

Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

...

Glorious China is the greatest amd most respectful of human rights!!!!

Now that i have the attention of their self-praise seeking robot- free hong kong.

An anti-vax mom walks in on her son self vaccinating.

And she says that better be heroin !

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