SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...

For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

Today I was going to the bathroom, and I really got in touch with my inner self...

...That’s the last time I use single ply.

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My girlfriend Mel just showed me a photo album full of all her self shot images she’s taken over the years

She says it’s her Melfie folder

A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? 

‘What’s that?’, he asked. 

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. 

As his mind began to embrace the i...

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

I tried making a joke about self isolation...

But I couldn’t come close

I know a lot of people find self-isolation hard, but I can honestly say...

I've never felt more at home.

(Credit: Celia Pacquola)

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What's the worst part of being a self-employed, one person work from home business?

The constant sexual harassment, from the boss, while you're just trying to get work done.

I live near a special needs school. There is a sign that says, SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY. That can't be good for their self esteem.

But look on the positive side, they can't read it.

Different names for a Power On Self Test, when it goes wrong and smoke comes out of the device:

Power On Smoke Test

Power On (and) S#!T Trousers

Power Oh S#!T TURNITOFF

Self deprecation is definitely the lowest form of humour.

that's why I use it all the time

I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers.

It's called On and On Anon.

All my friends told me I have no self-awareness

Ridiculous, if I had no self-awareness I think I'd know.

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I like to make self defecation jokes...

Damn it, that typo really makes it look like I shit the bed.

I love self deprecating humor...

...but I'm too stupid to understand most of my jokes.

Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection,

do Librarians get to take suppressors?

I was going to post a joke here about self-isolation but then decided not to.

It was kind of an inside joke.

I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies.

Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start.

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Day 365 without sex in isolation and self quarantine:

Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

Being self employed sucks

My boss is always threatening to kill me

The self isolation is keeping families united

My dad finally returned home with the milk

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What state has the largest amount of self made prostitutes?

Idaho

The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

Trump says he’s a self-made man.

I think it’s decent of him to take the blame.

Saw an old friend yesterday. As a joke I grabbed his hand and made him hit him self while I joked, "Why are you hiring yourself? Stop hitting yourself!"

His wife screamed and cried and the funeral director asked me to leave. Goddamn Philistines....

I was trying to self diagnose my skin condition by using WebMD...

...then I thought, without professional advice its best not to make any rash decisions.

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The boredom of self isolation. Day (9)

Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a naked flame to the base, it eventually gets sucked in?

If you did know this, and you know how to get it out, please message me ...............Urgently.

What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?

Mumbai

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Taking the "hands on" approach to self isolation turned out to be globally recognized advice from Pornhub.

[NSFW]

With all this self-quarantine going on, in 9 months there will be a baby boom....

...And the top baby names will be Covid and Corona.

What did the cat say when he went back in time and ran into his former self?

You have got to be kitten me.

King Felipe VI is self isolating in his jet

The reign in Spain stays mainly in the plane.

During this covid self isolation I went outside for a brief moment, the door closed behind, and I didn't have my house keys with me. So l called a locksmith for help...

... when he arrived, i asked, "you sure you should be out during l this lockdown?"


He replied, "it's okay, I'm a key worker".

I've just got back from my new French self defence class

I'm absolutely exhausted. I've never run so much in my life.

This self isolation is so bad,I've been crushing on my room mate

and we've been married twenty years!

I’ve decided to self isolate for the next two weeks.

I’m not ill, I’m just sick of the wife and kids.

My art teacher said my self portrait looked horrible

However she did say it was extremely realistic and lifelike.

What do you call a crab in self-isolation?

A hermit crab.

I saw my ex girlfriend standing across the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project.

The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want.

What do you call a healthcare worker that doesn’t self isolate after contracting COVID-19?

A hippocritic oaf.

An Anagram for "Covid Self Quarantine is........

"Advance Finest Liquor". A great suggestion, count me in!

I'm self quarantined in my house until further notice...

Sounds a lot better than I'm unemployed and not dating.

I asked my locksmith why he wasn't at home self isolating.

He told me he was a key worker.

Been in self-isolation for the last week. Don't think it worked.

Starting to feel a bit batty

The internet is so self-centred.

It's all meme, meme, meme.

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What do you call an anal sex toy that is constantly self advertising?

A shameless plug

If you’re thinking of painting a self-portrait

You need to take a long hard look at yourself

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Since self quarantine, masturbation has doubled among the population...

You know what they say desperate times call for desperate pleasures...

Heard a Dr. on TV say to get through the boredom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives.

So I looked through the house to find all the things I’ve started but hadn't finished...so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz.



Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite...

First Rule of Corona Flu self-isolation

If you can't reach it from the couch

You don't need it.

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Scientists are predicting that an aurora will be created from all the self-isolating people stuck at home watching porn...

Due to the resulting coronal mass erection.

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I really hate my past self,

rumor has it he used to fuck my wife.

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I believe self-deprecation jokes are funny.

But nobody gives a shit what I think

When self driving vehicles become mainstream,

it's only a matter of time before there's a country song about a guy whose truck left him.

Sure, people may look down on me for being self-employed, but it certainly has some hidden perks.

For instance, my boss gives the best handjobs.

I was having a heavy night last night and I said to myself, "self, you need to stop drinking right now."

But there was no way I was going to listen to a drunk who talks to himself.

Now that we're all self-isolating, the children just stand there looking miserably through the window.

But I think they should be grateful that I'm passing food out through the letterbox to them three times a day.

Is paying a person to kill them self

A money back guarantee?

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A man steps into a confessional...

Forgive me father, for I have sinned!

Speak my child, tell me your sins.

Well you see, a lady asked me to help her out with moving her furniture, and then it started to rain, so she told me to stay, apparently she didn't want me to get wet. And so I stayed, and fucked her.

Go on...

I once knew an arrogant sponge.

he was very self absorbed.

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Self-depreciating jokes are bad and they should be discouraged.

Including mine because they're the fucking worst

A girl goes to a psychiatrist and complains, “I don’t want to marry, I am educated, independent and self sufficient. I don’t need a husband but my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

Psychiatrist: “You, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But sometimes you will not go in the way you want. Sometimes you will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plan won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then whom will you blame? Will you blame yourself?”...

Breaking news!

Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.

Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.

Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions ...

Did you hear about the self-help book written by a turtle?

It was a New York Times' Best Sheller!

If I put self raising flour on it...

Does that mean I still have to pay child support?

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I’m writing a script for a self aware porn parody

All of the humor is very tongue in buttcheek

I love making self-deprecating jokes because they're so easy to make

The only thing easier is me

A cop is speeding on the highway when he notices in his rear view mirror that he is being followed by an old lady.

Going over 100 mph, he realizes the civilian's car is going way too fast and needs to slow down. The cop begins to decelerate and the car follows suit. Eventually, the cop pulls over and the car pulls over as well. An old lady comes out of the car and stumbles up to the cop's window, almost tripping...

As an expert, I was going to write a self-help book on apathy, called "The A-Bs of Apathy".

But realized I couldn't care less.

I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was

she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

Nightie night!!

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw i...

I followed an ugly person on Instagram to try to help raise their self esteem

but all it said was "Edit Profile".

My wife is really self-conscious about how thick her eyebrows are

I told her she's crazy; most women would kill for *half* her eyebrows

An Irishman walls into a bar in Dublin..

orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you...

A rope walks into a bar and then the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind” So the rope walks out and unties him self, he walks back into the bar and then the bartender says “Hey aren’t you the guy from before?” The rope then said,

The rope then says
“No I’m a frayed knot”

After creating the Nile, God became the first self promoter on twitch.

"Check out my stream!"

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Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizoph...

Self mutilating cannibals are....

So full of themselves

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing u...

A US Marine was deployed in Afghanistan

While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with 2 guys while he had been gone and wanted to break up with him.
To add insult to injury, she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any self-...

I'm training to be an anaesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"

He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"

Why was 888 arrested?

Self-cannibalism.

What do you call a God without self-confidence?

An atheist

Three Irish brothers were traveling in the country and walk into a bar to have a beer.

They take a seat at the bar and as the bartender gives them their pints, he says, "Listen fellas, you're not from round here, so I need to warn you about Ugly Tom. He is a very large unit and angers quickly. But he is a bit self conscious because he doesn't have any ears. He comes in here each ni...

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Hitler killed him self after...

He saw the Gas Bill.

Maybe some can relate

Those of us that are so self conscious that we have trained ourselves to silence our sneezes, well......we're feeling pretty smug about now.

Self-deprecation

The one and only thing I am any good at

I can see my self

Working in a mirror factory

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A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

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Gandhi

Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.

I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I gue...

I figured out why lazy people are going to love self-driving cars.

It's because they have no drive.

Two surgeons are in an operating room...

One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?”

The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound”

The second surgeon replies “suture self”

How do you turn flour into self-raising flour?

Kick it out on to the streets

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My mind is occupied by two things only,1. self pity

2. masturbation - which eventually drops down to self pity in about 10 sec

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This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..

...he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these heada...

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A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professio...

I went to a support group for people with low self esteem

As an activity to boost our self esteem, the instructor had us all go around in a circle and say one thing that we had accomplished in our life.

When it got to me, I told them that once I put a USB in right on the first try!

"I'm sorry, you must be in the wrong group," said the instruc...

This young generation with their computers and internet are so self absorbed.

It's all meme, meme, meme..

Recently, I discovered my fetish for self discovery.

I just came to that conclusion!

I drove past a special need school with a sign outside saying "Slow Children"

That can't be helping their self-esteem









Then again they can't read it

I have such low self esteem

When I take a shower I realize how people missed opportunities to cleverly insult me

You may think you're saving money at a self-serve gas station

You're only fueling yourself.

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was sa...

Many years ago, there was a sculptor.

He was a true master at his craft, and he worked hard every day to provide the finest replicas, busts, and statues to the rich and noble. He was held in very high regard, and his name spread across land and oceans and many sought to acquire one of his rare sculptures.

However, even with the ...

I only use self service checkouts....

They always have the hottest cashiers

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I ejaculated 13ft from my bed to my toilet bowl thinking about my first crush earlier.

I thought to myself, 'if only my younger self could see how far I've cum'

I had a friend that used to self-harm when he was bullied...

I used to think "whose side are you on?"

Everyone says I'm best at self deprecating humor

But I don't think it's very good

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