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Self Jokes

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

With the rise of self-driving vehicles...

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

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A woman decides to kill her self

She has had enough. Everyone is seeing her as a object and wants to have sex with her. So she jumps out of the 5th floor.

A man in the 4th floor sees her falling and catches her.

"What do you think you're doing?", he says, "Life is good. We can go to cinema. We can have some Ice Cream...

I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, brui...

[Request] Self deprecating joke about height for wedding

Long story short, I am officiating a wedding between the 2 tallest and most stunning friends I have. I am about 5'9 VS his 6'4 I would like to make some jab about them not being able to get anyone taller or when they asked me i immediately started thinking about how tall of a stool I would need to f...

SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym.

It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"

I got in touch with my inner self today.

I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.

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I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour...

On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

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Self-fulfilling Prophesy

(Sorry it's long-winded)
The Very Definition of a Self-fulfilling Prophesy:

★Is this winter gonna be cold?★

The Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a...

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I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

How many self-conscious people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Eh... I'd much prefer to screw in the dark, thanks.

I accidentally walked in on my sister pleasuring her self with a cucumber!!!

I was going to eat that later... now it's going to taste like cucumber

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To librarian: Can I have self help book for men with small penis?

Librarian: It isn't in yet.

" Yes, that's the one"

In Self Defense

Tenant - "I simply won't stay here any longer. Those people above me banged on the floor early this morning, slammed doors, and jumped up and down as hard as they could. I won't stand it, I tell you!"

Landlady - "They woke you up, I suppose?"

Tenant - "No, I hadn't gone to bed yet. ...

I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was too much history between us.

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

Self-deprecating jokes are great.

Not that I'm any good at them.

I have two arms for my self defence and they work everytime.

Dont know who they actually belongs to but it freaks out the opponent whenever i take them out.

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self aware baking beings

Two muffins are baking in the oven when one turns to the other and says "man it is so hot in here today" and the other muffin says "holy shit a talking muffin!"

Needed: people with a lot of self control

for working at a bubble wrap factory.

I’m really in touch with my inner self today.

Really need to buy 2 ply tissue.

Did you hear about the narcissistic, self-destructive, cannibal?

He was full of himself.

They finally figured out why the computerized self driving car has crashed...

They didn't install the driver.

What do you call self-centered and egotistical sleepwear?

Prima-jamas.

How does a network analyist identify them self at work?

LANyard

My self-published novel

Isn’t going to publish itself.

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I have such low self-esteem that

When I'm having sex, I fantasize that I'm someone else

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most of my humor is self-defecating.

....I mean self-deprecating.

There's not really much of a difference, either way you're still shitting on yourself.

Self deprecating jokes are the best.

Unless I make them.

Some people say I'm self centered

But that's enough about them.

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Wrote it me self

11 survivalists plan their escape and meet at 5 am in the forest. Ten men show off all the bounty, guns, food, water, batteries, everything you could need. A woman shows up late with a tiny rucksack. The men say, look at everything we brought, what the hell did you bring?

She answers: A vagi...

A self-absorbed jazz musician is sitting at a bar after a playing intense music all night.

A beautiful woman shyly walks over to him and says “Excuse me, I hate to bother you. Your music is phenomenal. It moves me in so many ways.

Artistically, it opens my appreciation of beauty and skill.

Intellectually, your music helps me to understand and think and reason.

As a wo...

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I'm self conscious about my hairless butt cheeks...

I embarrassed

what is maximum self destruction?

when a leper gets an epileptic seizure

My wife and I have both decided to go on a diet before our holiday to the States as we don't want to feel self conscious at the beach.

It's going well, so far we've both put on five stone.

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Why did Hitler kill him self?

He saw his gas bill.

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My therapist told me I am quite self aware.

I already knew that.

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The truest form of self-deception

The truest form of self-deception: Faking an orgasm when masturbating.

I always wanted to be self-confident. Well, look at me now.

Actually, please don't.

How do you know all suicide bombers self identify as being old?

They are all boomers in the end

Tell me a joke about self-centered people

I’ll go first

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Don’t urinate on people in self defense

You’re just going to make them more pissed

Sobriety self check

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?



The first shucks between fits....


If you can say that without screwing it up then you're not too drunk to drive.

Which US State is the most self absorbed?

Maine. It's always so "ME ME ME".

I made a 3D game about a depressed self-harming goth

It's mostly unskippable cutscenes.

self-reliant father !!!!!!!!!

One day teacher asked Sam that did his father help him with his homework.
Sam simply said that “No, he did it all by himself”!

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

Self depreciation is my best skill,

And I'm pretty bad at it.

My self-deprecating jokes never get a laugh…

I guess I’m not very good at telling them.

Self analysis

If you don't know what that is then you need to take a hard, long look at yourself

Self-deprecating humour is the lowest form of entertainment.

And I can't even get *that* right.

I wish I were better at self deprecating jokes

Unfortunately I'm far too insecure about myself to make them

All these dating sites are terrible for your self esteem.

If I wanted to feel neglected I’d go sit with my wife.

What do you call a paraplegic who self medicates with drugs and gambling?

A High Roller

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

My woman asked me “which one do you like best, my beautiful face or my gorgeous body?

To which I replied: “your self-confidence”

An Indian family went into self quarantine

after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything.

I went into the bookstore and asked the clerk, can you tell me where the self-help section is?

And she said, why don’t you try to find that yourself?

It's okay if you don't like self-deprecating humor.

You don't have to be hard on yourself.


(I'm pretty sure I just wrote that joke today. Though, I am a firm believer that no thoughts are original.)

I’m fat but I self identify as thin.

I’m trans slender

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I really hate my past self,

rumor has it he used to fuck my wife.

Did you hear about the marble statue with low self esteem?

She was taken for granite

What do libertarians and house cats have in common?

They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.

I don't consider my self a necrophilia,

... but more of a paleontologist.

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour, have a heightened sense of self-importance.

Trump says he’s a self-made man.

I think it’s decent of him to take the blame.

What do you call a God without self-confidence?

An atheist

I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers.

It's called On and On Anon.

Self-deprecation

The one and only thing I am any good at

Being self employed sucks

My boss is always threatening to kill me

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My self esteem is the size of my penis

I’m a girl

(Sorry if this joke was used somewhere before, I’m fairly new to Reddit)

I went to a self defense course...

I still don't know many techniques I kendo to defend myself.

I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no

“You can taekwondo”

What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony

What do you call a tomato that self-identifies as a carrot?

A transplant.

Only self aware people will understand this joke.

You know who you are.

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I’d like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, “"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if ...

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Self isolation experiments

Do you know if you rest a testicles on top a beer bottle and put a naked flame under the bottle eventually it’ll pop in? If you did know that and know how to get it back out message me.... urgently.

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went to the self help group "Lazy Bastards Anonymous"

No one was there.

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Jim was feeling self-conscious so he wanted his wife to reassure him by proving she can pick his dick out of a line-up

He sets up a wall with 4 glory-holes. He and 3 of his friends each stick their dicks through one of the 4 holes. The wife takes a look at the 4 penises and says "Jim, your penis is number 3". She picked correctly. Jim pulls his dick out of the hole, runs to the other side of the wall and embrace...

I recently completed a self defence course

I tell you what, the next person who attacks me in slow motion has a thing or two coming.

Why do Python programmers have low self esteem?

They're constantly comparing their self to other.

What kind of appointment lowers your self- esteem?

Disappointment

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A very flashy, uber-materialistic, and self-absorbed braggart buys a Ferrari...

He’s driving around town showing off his new expensive ride. He waves at the pretty women with his right hand to show off his big flashy diamond rings.

He pulls over to park and is just relishing every glance he gets. He even calls out to a few people and says, “It’s a Ferrari! You like it?...

Why are artists so good at self control?

Because they always know where to draw the line.

My girlfriend is like my self-esteem

I have none

Self-driving cars will never work right.

No matter how you try, it will always be buggy code.

The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.

If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably get bronze.

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem...

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.


One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him,


“Why did you stand up?”
He answered, “I d...

A man went into a bookshop and asked 'Where's the self-help section please?

'If I told you, it would defeat the purpose' replied the shop assistant.

After some of time self-reflection I came to realize

That I was not a vampire.

My psychiatrist said that I have too much self esteem.

I think he's very wrong.

Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger.

Edit: thank you for the titanium kind stranger

Edit: oh my God I can't believe I got a ternion all powerful!

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I'm still tired after my first French self defence class...

I've never run so much in my whole life!

Self mutilating cannibals are....

So full of themselves

If self sabotage was a sport

I would find a way to lose.

A self-help book sold 3000 copies on the day of its release.

A self-help book sold 3000 copies on the day of its release because of a typo error.

The title read 'How to change your wife'.

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The worst part about self loathing is...

I could get help, but fuck that guy.

I heard that people like self deprecating jokes

Too bad I am not good at them

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Am I wrong?

I discovered a month -old text on my wife's phone.
It said, "Babe, I've sent you $300. Give your husband $100 and keep the rest for your sexy self."
I texted him back: "Hi, this is her husband. I never got my money. Please talk to her."

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Wanna hear a self deprecating joke?

I think gays are stupid.

The self isolation is keeping families united

My dad finally returned home with the milk

Self-deprecation jokes are a lot like me.

Both are dumb, pointless, and laughed at by everyone else.

I am reading a self help book

But I have putting off the chapters on procrastination ^^true_story

Talking to my friend about his self diagnosis

Him: "It's scoliosis."

Me: "How do you know?"

Him: "I have a hunch."

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