I once got in touch with my inner self

That's the last time I'll use 1 ply toilet paper

Self mutilating cannibals are....

So full of themselves

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My mind is occupied by two things only,1. self pity

2. masturbation - which eventually drops down to self pity in about 10 sec

I love self deprecating humor

More than I love myself

Self-deprecation

The one and only thing I am any good at

I followed an ugly person on Instagram to try to help raise their self esteem

but all it said was "Edit Profile".

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

What's Barack Obama's favorite song?

Obamaself

This young generation with their computers and internet are so self absorbed.

It's all meme, meme, meme..

I had a friend that used to self-harm when he was bullied...

I used to think "whose side are you on?"

I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the "self help" books.

She said "that sort of defeats the purpose doesn't it"

I only use self service checkouts....

They always have the hottest cashiers

What do you call a God without self-confidence?

An atheist

You may think you're saving money at a self-serve gas station

You're only fueling yourself.

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My wife was feeling self conscious about her looks and said "I'm fucking ugly".

To which I responded, "we could have sex... then I'd be fucking ugly".

I went to a support group for people with low self esteem

As an activity to boost our self esteem, the instructor had us all go around in a circle and say one thing that we had accomplished in our life.

When it got to me, I told them that once I put a USB in right on the first try!

"I'm sorry, you must be in the wrong group," said the instruc...

With the rise of self driving cars,

It's only a matter of time until there's a country song about a guy's car leaving him.

Self-depricating humor is the best kind of humor...

Except when I do it.

The athiest lost a lot of self esteem when someone said he looked just like Jesus.

He just didn't believe in himself anymore.





(Reposted because the first time I put "Jessus" and that just makes it seem like an atheist lost his confidence because someone said he looked like a mexican and that just doesn't make sense)

I like using self-deprecating humor.

I'm just not very good at it.

It was an overwhelming experience when I touched my inner self.

Anyway, I only use 4-ply toilet paper since then.

15 Year Old Boy Comes Home With A Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,

"Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

"We know what a Porsche costs.."

"Well," said the boy, "t...

I was being interviewed for a job the other day. One of the questions was 'Where do you see your self 6 months from now?'.

I said 'I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision'.

So, after reading a bunch of “self-help” books, I’ve FINALLY found the secret to financial success!!

I think I’m going to write a self-help book!

I once met my future self and he told me:

If you can only once travel back in time to give yourself advice, go further back than four sec....

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

Self confidence boost didn't quite work so well

So me and my dad were talking about my school and he said:

"You're good at school but bad with self-confidence."

Me: "ok"

Dad: "Wayne Rooney was good at football (soccer for the Americans, I'm English) but bad at school

Stephen hawkings was good at being an astronomer bu...

Form the self employer's handbook:

There is no "we" in "team"

I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

Ah, self deprication, I know it well.

Defecation*, my bad.

If you have a friend that can’t put sunscreen on their back and is self conscious about it,

Don’t rub it in

I noticed that my local convent has no security around the building, so I helped my self

No 'fence.


Nun taken.

Google, how much more time will it take to develop a self-driving car?

Way mo’

The steps in my house are making me feel self-conscious.

All they do is stair.

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

Due to an accident about a month ago, I had too many clones running about at home, so I decided to take some to self-storage.

After making some new arrangements, I went today to pick them up. When I got there, they told me that my clones had been kicked out a couple of weeks ago because they don't allow residency in their units. I'm doing my best to stay calm, but I know it's going to take more than a few minutes to coll...

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it

I think I managed to cover my tracks

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Bono, the lead singer of U2 is known for being self-righteous ...

... He is also an A-list rock and roll celebrity.



At a recent concert in Glasgow Scotland, he asked the audience for complete and utter silence.



Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds. Holding the audience hostage in total silen...

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My self esteem is the size of my penis

I’m a girl

(Sorry if this joke was used somewhere before, I’m fairly new to Reddit)

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Jim was out drinking at the bar, when all of a sudden he pukes all over his shirt. "Dammit!" Jim yells "My wife is going to kill me when she finds out I was drinking and puked all over my self!"

"I have an idea" the man sitting next to him said "Here." and hands Jim a $50 bill.

"What's this for?" Jim asked.

"When you get home tonight, just tell your wife I threw up on you as you passed me on the street and I gave you the money for cleaning.".

"Great idea" Jim replies...

Did you hear about the kid who always kept a drawing pin in his pocket during self-defense class?

Apparently he had heard that a tack is the best form of defense.

How does Milk introduce its self in Spanish?

Soy Milk

I always thought I would discover my inner self through Eastern philosophy

Not through a piece of single-ply toilet paper.

Kylie Jenner is a self-made billionaire!

Just like her dad is a self-made woman.

I have heard that self deprecation is the highest form of comedy

Too bad I'm not funny.

Did you guys hear about the controversial self-flagellator who finally quit?

I guess he got tired of all the backlash.

I make a lot of self-deprecating jokes.

Not that I’m any good at them or anything.

I heard the counselling course for self harmers is fully booked

Those who missed out are kicking themselves.

A girl is looking in the mirror feeling very self-conscious about her body. She tells her boyfriend laying on the bed that she feels fat and if he could give her a compliment to feel better.

The boyfriend says “Your eyesight is perfect.”

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high for her self portrait.

She looked extremely surprised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between self-defecating and self-deprecating humor is that...

One you shit yourself and the other you shit on yourself

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Elon Musk: Tesla cars now have full self driving capabilities.

PornHub: "Tinder date comes in me in a Tesla on autopilot"

What do orphans use to bake?

Self-raising dough.

I'm still tired after my first French self defence class...

I've never run so much in my whole life!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wanna hear a self deprecating joke?

I think gays are stupid.

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

Self depreciation is the best type of depreciation

Because you don't lose anything of value.

A man bought a self-help book from the bookstore.

The title of the book was How to Handle Life’s Biggest Disappointments. When he opened the book to read it that night he realized all the pages were blank.

The American view of the world is too self-centered...

I mean on maps they literally label their country "US."

I know this guy who claims to be a self Cannibal

He's so full of himself

What's the worst part about a self-deprecating joke?

I'm too stupid to make one.

There's nothing wrong with being a self-made man...

Unless you have a time machine and an Oedipus complex.

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What is the peak of men's self-confidence?

It's when a gorgeus lady performs a fellatio for half an hour, yet your general refuses to stand up straight. You look down to the lady and say: "My dear girl, does that happen often to you?"

My self defence instructor told me that the best way to immobilize a guy is to kick him in the knees.

Personally I think that’s nuts.

Did you hear about the self-portrait scandal?

Turns out, he was framed.

Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...

I have selfish steam issues.

The all new self-driving Tesla has a shower facility in it

Time to get rid of that Musk

Sometimes self-care means cutting out toxic people.

If you ever met my conjoined twin, Your Honor, I think you'd understand.

They finally figured out why the computerized self driving car has crashed...

They didn't install the driver.

I like making self deprecating jokes...

Because all my other ones suck

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Therapist: “Describe your self in 3 words or more”

Me: “Lazy”

"Where there's a will, there's a way" is a great self motivational phrase

Until an inheritance is involved

There was a self-service haberdashery in my town.

It was called "Suit Yourself".

Only self aware people will understand this joke.

You know who you are.

I like self deprecating humour.

Although I’m not very good at it.

Whos the funniest disney princess?

raPUNzel

*sits there laughing to self*

...so lonely..

How does a pair of jeans cool it's self off?

It pants.

Did you know words can be used for self defense?

Its the art of talkwondo

My wife was always self-conscious about her amputated arm, so I tried to think of ways to incorporate it in a low-key manner during our intimate moments.

Suffice it to say that for a while I was stumped.

What instrument does a self absorbed person play?

Mekulele

Talking to my friend about his self diagnosis

Him: "It's scoliosis."

Me: "How do you know?"

Him: "I have a hunch."

An anti-vax mom walks in on her son self vaccinating.

And she says that better be heroin !

Where do guys get their self esteem?

From the Sauna.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst part about self loathing is...

I could get help, but fuck that guy.

I was at the hospital the other day and the Radiologist had really low self-esteem.

I think he had body image issues.

My dream is to create a bioengineering startup that solves world hunger by developing a self-replicating noodle

Laugh now, but one day you're going to see my Copy Pasta everywhere.

You may laugh but this cheap hairpiece from Walmart has really helped my self-confidence.

It was a small price toupee.

My friend told me there has only been a handful of accidents with self-driving cars.

I thought there were Waymo.

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I'm self conscious about my hairless butt cheeks...

I embarrassed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked the librarian in my local bookshop if they had the self help book for men with small penises.

She said, “I don’t think it’s in yet.”

“Yeah that’s the one” I said!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour...

On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex.

I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell

I would like some more self esteem

But I don’t deserve it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You just bought a self driving car that goes anywhere you tell it to go

You decide to test it out, and you say "hot dogs!"

The car speeds off and drives to the nearest hot dog stand.

"Cool! How about donuts?"

The car automatically drives to the nearest donut shop

"Alright! Now show me some horses!"

The car drives to the McDonald's acro...

If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably get bronze.

I would call my style of humour "self-deprecating"...

But I'm not very good at it.

I knew a guy that was a self proclaimed “time lawyer”

He told me his work dealt a lot with minute details.

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