A man went into a bookshop and asked 'Where's the self-help section please?

'If I told you, it would defeat the purpose' replied the shop assistant.

Did you hear about the marble statue with low self esteem?

She was taken for granite

Sobriety self check

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?



The first shucks between fits....


If you can say that without screwing it up then you're not too drunk to drive.

I have two arms for my self defence and they work everytime.

Dont know who they actually belongs to but it freaks out the opponent whenever i take them out.

A self-help book sold 3000 copies on the day of its release.

A self-help book sold 3000 copies on the day of its release because of a typo error.

The title read 'How to change your wife'.

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A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree."


The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree."


The missionary is plea...

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

What is the most self-absorbed gas?

MEthane.

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A woman decides to kill her self

She has had enough. Everyone is seeing her as a object and wants to have sex with her. So she jumps out of the 5th floor.

A man in the 4th floor sees her falling and catches her.

"What do you think you're doing?", he says, "Life is good. We can go to cinema. We can have some Ice Cream...

Some people say I'm self centered

But that's enough about them.

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went to the self help group "Lazy Bastards Anonymous"

No one was there.

My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"

"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, brui...

self-reliant father !!!!!!!!!

One day teacher asked Sam that did his father help him with his homework.
Sam simply said that “No, he did it all by himself”!

A friend asked: "Now that you're self-employed; are you going to let your hair grow?"

I replied: "I'm letting it, but it's not taking advantage of the opportunity."

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My therapist told me I am quite self aware.

I already knew that.

There is a group of Amish engineers who created the hardware and software for a small self-driving horseless carriage.

It's a little buggy.

Trey Parker goes back in time to his 7 year old self at Casa Bonita...

Look, in the future you are going to have a very successful TV show for over 20 years, over 4 movies, Broadway accolades and a billion dollars. Also, you own Casa Bonita now.
And his 7 year old self says with excitement "I'm gonna own Casa Bonita?!"

SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym.

It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"

What do you call a tomato that self-identifies as a carrot?

A Transplant.

How does Zorro pay for his groceries at the self-service checkout?

On card!

You have to admire Amish people for their great sense of self-derision. You can find tons of jokes making fun of them on Reddit...

But you never see one of them writing a disapproving comment below.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

Why did Jeffrey Epstein kill himself?

Because he had low self Epstein.

I don't consider my self a necrophilia,

... but more of a paleontologist.

Self checkout.

Dear Walmart, I'm sorry I "forgot" to scan so many items the last time I went shopping. In my defense... You literally gave me zero training before promoting me to checker!

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’

The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’

The other bloke answers, ‘...

I was in the car with my family, talking about self esteem...

My 6 six year old daughter says... "daddy, what happens when you look in the mirror and you're ugly?" I'm immediately concerned and ask her "sweety, did someone say something mean to you? you are beautiful". She quickly replies, "no daddy, I was talking about you."

I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today!

I guess it’s my own fault for using the self checkout lane.

Two guys were walking down the road when they came upon a male dog licking his self.

One guy says I wish I could do that and the other guy says you better make sure he’ll let you pet him first...

Self depreciation is my best skill,

And I'm pretty bad at it.

What kind of appointment lowers your self- esteem?

Disappointment

I don't understand why people keep telling me that I have no self-reflection

Something's clearly wrong with them.

With the rise of self driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time...

Until there's a country song where the guy's truck leaves him.

I've just had that dreaded call telling me I have to self isolate!

Apparently my roommates cat has Covid 19!

Don't ask Meow

I bought a book calling itself 'The Bible of being a self-entitled white woman'

It's called the Ka'ran

After some of time self-reflection I came to realize

That I was not a vampire.

My wife said we need to sit down and talk about our future, and I was like 'Yeah gonna be awesome! Flying Cars, Colonies on Mars!, Self fixing robots it's gonna be amazing!!'

Not what she meant, am now single.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class

I replied, "no wonder you're the biggest dick'

this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem...

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.


One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him,


“Why did you stand up?”
He answered, “I d...

If you lose one of your senses, your other sense are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...

It'll be known as the National Elf Service.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor...

... too bad I suck at telling jokes.

I wrote relationship advice for my future self couple years ago, since single people give the best advice.

I still give great advice.

An Indian family went into self quarantine

after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything.

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Self deprecating romanian humor

Three explorers are caught by a savage tribe and brought before the chief. An american, a romanian and a russian.

chief says "we've had a good hunt so we won't eat you outright, but instead, for the tribe's benefit we will offer you three ways out: pay 100$, take a good beating or eat a bucke...

I’m fat but I self identify as thin.

I’m trans slender

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Don't follow a fox!

A lion is walking with his lioness in the woods, when suddenly a redfox appears out of no where and starts yelling at the lion calling him all names, the lioness turns to the lion and says : defend yourself! he is baffling your honor! to what the lion calmly responded : he is a little basted, beside...

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Mike and Mark

Mike and Mark are identical twin brothers.

Mike is a really good guy. Helps his friends in need, visits their mother regularly and is a pillar of their community.

Mark is a real ass. Self-centered, steals from his friends ignores their mother and is an all around douche bag.

...

Why do Python programmers have low self esteem?

They're constantly comparing their self to other.

Why do Instagram influencers enjoy shopping at Walmart so much?

They just can't get enough of the self-checkout.

A lawyer, A rabbi, and a Buddhist Monk...

...Are driving together on Route 66. It's beginning to get dark and they are wishing for a place to stop but there isn't a town for miles. Then they spot an old farmhouse and decide to ask. The farmer meets them at the door and listens to their request. He says that he would be glad to let them stay...

A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? 

‘What’s that?’, he asked. 

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. 

As his mind began to embrace the i...

When we have self-driving cars, I’m pretty sure . . .

my wife will complain about its driving too.

My psychiatrist said that I have too much self esteem.

I think he's very wrong.

Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger.

Edit: thank you for the titanium kind stranger

Edit: oh my God I can't believe I got a ternion all powerful!

What do you call a song that get you laid?

A banger.

I'll see my self out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a horny emo who practices self-control?

An edgelord

I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no

“You can taekwondo”

Giant: "I'll grind this orphan's bones to make my cake!"

Also Giant: "I find self-raising flour makes for a lighter and more consistent texture."

I was in the hospital and asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches.

She said "suture self".

I was told I make "too many jokes" about my self, and that the value of my humor is "depreciating"

I said "it's pronounced deprecating"

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I went to a self help group for people that suffer from Premature Ejaculation last night

They said to get there at 7 but I came early.

Self-driving cars will never work right.

No matter how you try, it will always be buggy code.

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

A self-proclaimed genius walks into a bar and says...

..."I'm the smartest person in the world. In fact, I know every single word in this dictionary!" he yells at the crowd.

One of the patrons takes the dictionary and says, "Okay, tell me the meaning of the words *humility, charity,* and *patience."*

The genius replies, "Oh, so you're jus...

Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.

They’re going to call it the iAye

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A priest and a nun are playing golf...

The priest is taking shots while the nun counts how many holes he makes. The priest takes his first shot and misses, "oh shit" he exclaims. Father! Dont swear its a sin! The upset nun says.
The priest apologises and takes another shot and misses again; "oh shit" he says.
Father! Its a sin to ...

The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are vampires such jerks?

Because they are incapable of self reflection.

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A fly is flying over a river

(Sorry for bad eanglish)

In the rive is a fish and the flhe tought to himself "if the fly would just come little bit lower i could jump and eat it"

On one of the sides is a bear and thinks to him self "if the fly would go lower the fish would jump and I could snach him"

On the ...

Your past self is an a-hole for leaving all these chores for you to do

...luckily your future self surely has more time than you now have, so you can rely on him doing them

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

The job posting said they were looking for a self-starter

so I called and told them I was hired.

A British tabloid has just run a story about how self conscious I am.

Its really upset me, I hate seeing myself in The Mirror.

I got in touch with my inner self this morning.

That's the last time I buy one ply toilet paper.

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Don’t urinate on people in self defense

You’re just going to make them more pissed

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

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A man decides to go golfing one Sunday. He's in the clubhouse paying for 18 holes when a gorgeous blonde woman approaches him. "Hey, I noticed you're golfing alone," she said...

"I'm golfing alone too. Can I join you?"

The man enthusiastically agrees and they head to the course.

She's good. *Really* good, and beats the man's score by many strokes. The man is feeling self conscious for losing so soundly to a woman. The woman notices his change in mood and says,...

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I’m really self conscious about masturbating while lying on my back

I’m scared my dad will walk into the room and see the hole in the ceiling

I saw a cicada last night.

The poor guy was just a hollow shell of his former self.

Why are artists so good at self control?

Because they always know where to draw the line.

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

I went to a self defense course...

I still don't know many techniques I kendo to defend myself.

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The redneck farmer was disturbed ,,,

The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn. "Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife." So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farme...

I recently completed a self defence course

I tell you what, the next person who attacks me in slow motion has a thing or two coming.

I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

There are two types of comedy I enjoy:

Self-Defecating humor, and malaprops.

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

i wrote this as a kid: Why did Jesus have low self esteem

He was Jewish. He didn’t believe in himself.

What's the difference between you and a calendar?

A calendar has dates.

(\*cries in self pity\*)

Self analysis

If you don't know what that is then you need to take a hard, long look at yourself

I feel so self-conscious when I'm at home

It's difficult dealing with all the *stairs*

The best time to engage yourself in a long, self-reflection is...

....when you're getting a haircut.

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A man was driving down the road when his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.

...

What are 4 words that can ruin a man's self esteem?

"Is it in yet?"

Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago?

K, 9.

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

I'm thinking of making a series of non-gloss self portrait dinner placemats

I'll name it My Multitude of Matte Mats of Matt by Matt

An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.

One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars. Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride. She refused, quipping "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride. Again H...

I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers.

It's called On and On Anon.

Why do Buddhists meditate in front of mirrors?

For optimal self reflection

Mildred, the local gossip and self appointed keeper of the church’s morals, kept poking her nose into other people’s business.

Several members of the church did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but kept to themselves in fear of reprisal.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, George, of being an alcoholic after seeing his old pickup parked outside the town’s only pub one afternoo...

I heard that people like self deprecating jokes

Too bad I am not good at them

What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?

Mumbai

I enjoy self-deprecating humour a lot.

I’m just not very good at it.

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

What do you call a self-contradictory idiot from Australia?

An "Aussie-Moron"

If self sabotage was a sport

I would find a way to lose.

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

Self-deprecation jokes are a lot like me.

Both are dumb, pointless, and laughed at by everyone else.

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I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

I heard self-deprecation is a sign of self obsession,

Good thing I suck at self deprecation.

I am reading a self help book

But I have putting off the chapters on procrastination ^^true_story

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife

"You're too fat"

Trump says he’s a self-made man.

I think it’s decent of him to take the blame.

What’s the loneliest place in all of Louisiana ?

Bayou Self

Lawyer Joke

A man is visiting a seaside town and walks into a pawn shop. He sees a large statue of a rat. “How much for the rat statue?” he asks. The pawnbroker responds, “It’s $10 for the statue, but $20 if you want the story that goes with it,” to which the customer replied, “I only want the statue.”

H...

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I really hate my past self,

rumor has it he used to fuck my wife.

I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid for his self-defense

He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fence.

I know a lot of people find self-isolation hard, but I can honestly say...

I've never felt more at home.

(Credit: Celia Pacquola)

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it

I think I managed to cover my tracks

What do call a rope that tightens itself?

Self-taut.

I’m done making self deprecating jokes!

I’m not funny enough anyway.

My high school history teacher was a friggin liar!!!

She would say on a regular basis "history has a tendency to repeat it's self"

To this day I've never seen reruns of the news

Being self employed sucks

My boss is always threatening to kill me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just lost my virginity.

The experience changed me completely. It absolutely altered my self-image.

It's like I have entered another body.

With all this self-quarantine going on, in 9 months there will be a baby boom....

...And the top baby names will be Covid and Corona.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 365 without sex in isolation and self quarantine:

Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies.

Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start.

I'm reading a self-help book on the importance of being able to let things go.

I can't put it down.

Why did Mick, the French baker, have to self-isolate? [Genuine OC, I promise]

...Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie

The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

The self isolation is keeping families united

My dad finally returned home with the milk

All my friends told me I have no self-awareness

Ridiculous, if I had no self-awareness I think I'd know.

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration...

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't...

I like making self-deprecating jokes.

You should know, they are not that great.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boredom of self isolation. Day (9)

Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a naked flame to the base, it eventually gets sucked in?

If you did know this, and you know how to get it out, please message me ...............Urgently.

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