Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

What's Barack Obama's favorite song?

Obamaself

With the rise of self driving cars,

It's only a matter of time until there's a country song about a guy's car leaving him.

It was an overwhelming experience when I touched my inner self.

Anyway, I only use 4-ply toilet paper since then.

What do you call a God without self-confidence?

An atheist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was feeling self conscious about her looks and said "I'm fucking ugly".

To which I responded, "we could have sex... then I'd be fucking ugly".

Form the self employer's handbook:

There is no "we" in "team"

Ah, self deprication, I know it well.

Defecation*, my bad.

If you have a friend that can’t put sunscreen on their back and is self conscious about it,

Don’t rub it in

I was being interviewed for a job the other day. One of the questions was 'Where do you see your self 6 months from now?'.

I said 'I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision'.

I like using self-deprecating humor.

I'm just not very good at it.

I noticed that my local convent has no security around the building, so I helped my self

No 'fence.


Nun taken.

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

In contrast to God, scientists must have a very low self esteem.

Whenever the result of an experiment differs from the prediction, they think it was their fault.

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

I always thought I would discover my inner self through Eastern philosophy

Not through a piece of single-ply toilet paper.

Did you hear about the kid who always kept a drawing pin in his pocket during self-defense class?

Apparently he had heard that a tack is the best form of defense.

Did you guys hear about the controversial self-flagellator who finally quit?

I guess he got tired of all the backlash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim was out drinking at the bar, when all of a sudden he pukes all over his shirt. "Dammit!" Jim yells "My wife is going to kill me when she finds out I was drinking and puked all over my self!"

"I have an idea" the man sitting next to him said "Here." and hands Jim a $50 bill.

"What's this for?" Jim asked.

"When you get home tonight, just tell your wife I threw up on you as you passed me on the street and I gave you the money for cleaning.".

"Great idea" Jim replies...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bono, the lead singer of U2 is known for being self-righteous ...

... He is also an A-list rock and roll celebrity.



At a recent concert in Glasgow Scotland, he asked the audience for complete and utter silence.



Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds. Holding the audience hostage in total silen...

Kylie Jenner is a self-made billionaire!

Just like her dad is a self-made woman.

15 Year Old Boy Comes Home With A Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,

"Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

"We know what a Porsche costs.."

"Well," said the boy, "t...

The steps in my house are making me feel self-conscious.

All they do is stair.

How does Milk introduce its self in Spanish?

Soy Milk

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My self esteem is the size of my penis

I’m a girl

(Sorry if this joke was used somewhere before, I’m fairly new to Reddit)

A girl is looking in the mirror feeling very self-conscious about her body. She tells her boyfriend laying on the bed that she feels fat and if he could give her a compliment to feel better.

The boyfriend says “Your eyesight is perfect.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elon Musk: Tesla cars now have full self driving capabilities.

PornHub: "Tinder date comes in me in a Tesla on autopilot"

I heard the counselling course for self harmers is fully booked

Those who missed out are kicking themselves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between self-defecating and self-deprecating humor is that...

One you shit yourself and the other you shit on yourself

I have heard that self deprecation is the highest form of comedy

Too bad I'm not funny.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high for her self portrait.

She looked extremely surprised.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it

I think I managed to cover my tracks

I'm still tired after my first French self defence class...

I've never run so much in my whole life!

There's nothing wrong with being a self-made man...

Unless you have a time machine and an Oedipus complex.

The American view of the world is too self-centered...

I mean on maps they literally label their country "US."

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

I know this guy who claims to be a self Cannibal

He's so full of himself

Sometimes self-care means cutting out toxic people.

If you ever met my conjoined twin, Your Honor, I think you'd understand.

Self depreciation is the best type of depreciation

Because you don't lose anything of value.

Self-deprecating humour is my specialty...

I mean, it’s easy when you’ve got so much to work with.

I make a lot of self-deprecating jokes.

Not that I’m any good at them or anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wanna hear a self deprecating joke?

I think gays are stupid.

"Where there's a will, there's a way" is a great self motivational phrase

Until an inheritance is involved

Did you hear about the self-portrait scandal?

Turns out, he was framed.

I like making self deprecating jokes...

Because all my other ones suck

The all new self-driving Tesla has a shower facility in it

Time to get rid of that Musk

There was a self-service haberdashery in my town.

It was called "Suit Yourself".

What's the worst part about a self-deprecating joke?

I'm too stupid to make one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the peak of men's self-confidence?

It's when a gorgeus lady performs a fellatio for half an hour, yet your general refuses to stand up straight. You look down to the lady and say: "My dear girl, does that happen often to you?"

Therapist: “Describe your self in 3 words or more”

Me: “Lazy”

An anti-vax mom walks in on her son self vaccinating.

And she says that better be heroin !

I overcame the desire for self pleasure...

I just had to ween off

How does a pair of jeans cool it's self off?

It pants.

I like self deprecating humour.

Although I’m not very good at it.

Only self aware people will understand this joke.

You know who you are.

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

Did you know words can be used for self defense?

Its the art of talkwondo

What instrument does a self absorbed person play?

Mekulele

They finally figured out why the computerized self driving car has crashed...

They didn't install the driver.

Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...

I have selfish steam issues.

My wife was always self-conscious about her amputated arm, so I tried to think of ways to incorporate it in a low-key manner during our intimate moments.

Suffice it to say that for a while I was stumped.

Talking to my friend about his self diagnosis

Him: "It's scoliosis."

Me: "How do you know?"

Him: "I have a hunch."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst part about self loathing is...

I could get help, but fuck that guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour...

On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex.

I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked the librarian in my local bookshop if they had the self help book for men with small penises.

She said, “I don’t think it’s in yet.”

“Yeah that’s the one” I said!

I would like some more self esteem

But I don’t deserve it.

I was at the hospital the other day and the Radiologist had really low self-esteem.

I think he had body image issues.

You may laugh but this cheap hairpiece from Walmart has really helped my self-confidence.

It was a small price toupee.

My friend told me there has only been a handful of accidents with self-driving cars.

I thought there were Waymo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You just bought a self driving car that goes anywhere you tell it to go

You decide to test it out, and you say "hot dogs!"

The car speeds off and drives to the nearest hot dog stand.

"Cool! How about donuts?"

The car automatically drives to the nearest donut shop

"Alright! Now show me some horses!"

The car drives to the McDonald's acro...

My dream is to create a bioengineering startup that solves world hunger by developing a self-replicating noodle

Laugh now, but one day you're going to see my Copy Pasta everywhere.

I would call my style of humour "self-deprecating"...

But I'm not very good at it.

I knew a guy that was a self proclaimed “time lawyer”

He told me his work dealt a lot with minute details.

Whos the funniest disney princess?

raPUNzel

*sits there laughing to self*

...so lonely..

I heard it was difficult to do a self circumcision...

But I managed to pull it off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm self conscious about my hairless butt cheeks...

I embarrassed

How do you call a self-restrained coke addict?

A one-liner

There was a Self-Harming With Glass contest in my town...

The winner was clear-cut.

People often tell me I have no willpower or self-control

Rubbish I say. I've quit smoking loads of times

My friend from the Middle East has really low self esteem.

Thus I was not surprised to find out that she was a Qatar.

If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably get bronze.

An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly.

Needless to say, he was stumped.

I don’t find self-deprecating humor funny anymore.

I guess my sense of humor is as boring and worthless now as the rest of my personality always has been

I think it is important to be self-aware of one's appearance...

For example, my mother says that I'm very thin.

I say that I'm just regular skinny.

And my father says that I'm a complete loser.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between being self-motivated and being too hard on yourself?

Viagra.

I'm on a self-improvement course.

It's £2 cheaper than the last one I went on.

My girlfriend told me, “I get really self conscious when I’m out in public.”

I joked, “Come on, you aren’t that ugly.”

She said, “No, but you are.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim was feeling self-conscious so he wanted his wife to reassure him by proving she can pick his dick out of a line-up

He sets up a wall with 4 glory-holes. He and 3 of his friends each stick their dicks through one of the 4 holes. The wife takes a look at the 4 penises and says "Jim, your penis is number 3". She picked correctly. Jim pulls his dick out of the hole, runs to the other side of the wall and embrace...

If someone kills their self by jumping down a manhole...

Is it sewercide?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very flashy, uber-materialistic, and self-absorbed braggart buys a Ferrari...

He’s driving around town showing off his new expensive ride. He waves at the pretty women with his right hand to show off his big flashy diamond rings.

He pulls over to park and is just relishing every glance he gets. He even calls out to a few people and says, “It’s a Ferrari! You like it?...

Did you hear about the USSR comedian who defined his self work through the success of his work?

Because in Soviet Russia you don’t make jokes, jokes make you.

What do you call an Emo A capella group?

Self Harmony

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