A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? 

‘What’s that?’, he asked. 

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. 

As his mind began to embrace the i...

What do you call a tomato that self-identifies as a carrot?

A transplant.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym.

It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"

I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no

“You can taekwondo”

The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.

Just came from a bookstore where I asked the saleswoman how to find the self-help section...

she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose...

i wrote this as a kid: Why did Jesus have low self esteem

He was Jewish. He didn’t believe in himself.

The best time to engage yourself in a long, self-reflection is...

....when you're getting a haircut.

I went to a self defense course...

I still don't know many techniques I kendo to defend myself.

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Self deprecating romanian humor

Three explorers are caught by a savage tribe and brought before the chief. An american, a romanian and a russian.

chief says "we've had a good hunt so we won't eat you outright, but instead, for the tribe's benefit we will offer you three ways out: pay 100$, take a good beating or eat a bucke...

With the rise of self driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time...

Until there's a country song where the guy's truck leaves him.

I recently completed a self defence course

I tell you what, the next person who attacks me in slow motion has a thing or two coming.

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

Self analysis

If you don't know what that is then you need to take a hard, long look at yourself

Awhile ago I went to the supermarket and bought some self raising flour...

It’s been 6 months and I’m still looking after it!

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

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Don’t urinate on people in self defense

You’re just going to make them more pissed

Mildred, the local gossip and self appointed keeper of the church’s morals, kept poking her nose into other people’s business.

Several members of the church did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but kept to themselves in fear of reprisal.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, George, of being an alcoholic after seeing his old pickup parked outside the town’s only pub one afternoo...

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

I love self derogratory humor

I never run out of jokes

I am reading a self help book

But I have putting off the chapters on procrastination ^^true_story

If self sabotage was a sport

I would find a way to lose.

What do you call a depressed acapella group?

Self Harmony

Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago?

K, 9.

What do you call a self-contradictory idiot from Australia?

An "Aussie-Moron"

I love self depreciating humor

…..especially in old age homes.

They may not show it but they are dying to hear more!

I heard self-deprecation is a sign of self obsession,

Good thing I suck at self deprecation.

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

I enjoy self-deprecating humour a lot.

I’m just not very good at it.

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I took a self defense class.

Don't you dare attack me in slow motion now.

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife

"You're too fat"

What are 4 words that can ruin a man's self esteem?

"Is it in yet?"

I’m done making self deprecating jokes!

I’m not funny enough anyway.

I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid for his self-defense

He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fence.

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper...

I'm reading a self-help book on the importance of being able to let things go.

I can't put it down.

Self-deprecation jokes are a lot like me.

Both are dumb, pointless, and laughed at by everyone else.

I heard that people like self deprecating jokes

Too bad I am not good at them

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A father and son go fishing

While fishing the father cracks open a beer, the son says dad can I have a beer? The father asks can your Dick touch your asshole? “No” said the son, the father said you can’t have one then. A little while later the father lights up a cigar, the son asks dad, can I have a cigar? The father asks does...

Why did Mick, the French baker, have to self-isolate? [Genuine OC, I promise]

...Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie

I go to the store and buy 4 bags of chips and 6 sodas, if I eat 3 bags of chips and drinks 5 sodas what do I have?

No self-control.

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

I like making self-deprecating jokes.

You should know, they are not that great.

I always like to finish my conversations with a self-deprecating joke...

...like me.

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My wife and I just discovered an easy way to burn 2000 calories an hour during sex

Note to self: Leave bedroom door open so we can hear the oven timer next time.

I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers.

It's called On and On Anon.

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?

Mumbai

I know a lot of people find self-isolation hard, but I can honestly say...

I've never felt more at home.

(Credit: Celia Pacquola)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girl, you got me so into outer space

I can see my self in Uranus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst part of being a self-employed, one person work from home business?

The constant sexual harassment, from the boss, while you're just trying to get work done.

What do train conductors need most in the world

Self a steam

Self deprecation is definitely the lowest form of humour.

that's why I use it all the time

Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection,

do Librarians get to take suppressors?

All my friends told me I have no self-awareness

Ridiculous, if I had no self-awareness I think I'd know.

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.

He prescribed two IKEA self-assembly wardrobes.

Trump says he’s a self-made man.

I think it’s decent of him to take the blame.

I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies.

Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start.

Being self employed sucks

My boss is always threatening to kill me

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Day 365 without sex in isolation and self quarantine:

Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

The self isolation is keeping families united

My dad finally returned home with the milk

Different names for a Power On Self Test, when it goes wrong and smoke comes out of the device:

Power On Smoke Test

Power On (and) S#!T Trousers

Power Oh S#!T TURNITOFF

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I like to make self defecation jokes...

Damn it, that typo really makes it look like I shit the bed.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

No peeking

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute.

So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and t...

Saw an old friend yesterday. As a joke I grabbed his hand and made him hit him self while I joked, "Why are you hiring yourself? Stop hitting yourself!"

His wife screamed and cried and the funeral director asked me to leave. Goddamn Philistines....

I’ve decided to self isolate for the next two weeks.

I’m not ill, I’m just sick of the wife and kids.

The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin

& orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you ...

With all this self-quarantine going on, in 9 months there will be a baby boom....

...And the top baby names will be Covid and Corona.

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The boredom of self isolation. Day (9)

Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a naked flame to the base, it eventually gets sucked in?

If you did know this, and you know how to get it out, please message me ...............Urgently.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I over heard my wife on the phone, "my husband got a penis enlargement during the self quarantine."

Yeah the prick gained 20 pounds!

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A man stores his money in a bank

A well looking man is at the bank and wants to deposit 100,000$, the bank manager gets closer to him and says:

"I have notice that you deposit huge amounts of cash every few days, is it OK if I ask, where to do find the money?"

"I'm betting" says the man

"what kind of betting?"<...

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What state has the largest amount of self made prostitutes?

Idaho

This self isolation is so bad,I've been crushing on my room mate

and we've been married twenty years!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I really hate my past self,

rumor has it he used to fuck my wife.

I'm self quarantined in my house until further notice...

Sounds a lot better than I'm unemployed and not dating.

I was trying to self diagnose my skin condition by using WebMD...

...then I thought, without professional advice its best not to make any rash decisions.

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

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Taking the "hands on" approach to self isolation turned out to be globally recognized advice from Pornhub.

[NSFW]

King Felipe VI is self isolating in his jet

The reign in Spain stays mainly in the plane.

What do you call a healthcare worker that doesn’t self isolate after contracting COVID-19?

A hippocritic oaf.

My art teacher said my self portrait looked horrible

However she did say it was extremely realistic and lifelike.

The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project.

The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want.

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What do you call an anal sex toy that is constantly self advertising?

A shameless plug

During this covid self isolation I went outside for a brief moment, the door closed behind, and I didn't have my house keys with me. So l called a locksmith for help...

... when he arrived, i asked, "you sure you should be out during l this lockdown?"


He replied, "it's okay, I'm a key worker".

I've just got back from my new French self defence class

I'm absolutely exhausted. I've never run so much in my life.

Heard a Dr. on TV say to get through the boredom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives.

So I looked through the house to find all the things I’ve started but hadn't finished...so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz.



Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite...

An Anagram for "Covid Self Quarantine is........

"Advance Finest Liquor". A great suggestion, count me in!

So I stopped a woman from getting kidnapped today

It took a lot of self control though

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

A group of women had the last self defense lesson

After class, the instructor called them and said:
- "I taught you every move and every self defense tactic that you might need. But in a situation that none of the tactics that you learned work, there's one last move you can use. If the aggressor is a man, you simply aim for his nuts, grab them a...

What do you call a slow sloth?

a sloth.



My son told me this joke when was 8. We was just sitting in the room watching Zootopia and he says to me, he says "Hey dad want to a hear a joke?" so I says back "sure" and then he said the joke. I was so taken about by the simplicity of it, that I damn near died laughing. (f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since self quarantine, masturbation has doubled among the population...

You know what they say desperate times call for desperate pleasures...

I asked my locksmith why he wasn't at home self isolating.

He told me he was a key worker.

Been in self-isolation for the last week. Don't think it worked.

Starting to feel a bit batty

Johnny was a bright, charming boy

and he was even fairly good-looking. The only problem was that he had lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. They were too poor to afford a glass eye, so his father made him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self e...

Now that we're all self-isolating, the children just stand there looking miserably through the window.

But I think they should be grateful that I'm passing food out through the letterbox to them three times a day.

I have a cheap mirror hanging up that bends when it gets hot.

Anything over 30° and my self-esteem is shattered.




I hope this hits the front page after someone reposts it with Fahrenheit.

First Rule of Corona Flu self-isolation

If you can't reach it from the couch

You don't need it.

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

I don't watch the news anymore

I just lie to my self and cut out the middle man.

Correct me if I am wrong,

but shouldn't 'self checkout' at a store have mirrors behind the register?

Sure, people may look down on me for being self-employed, but it certainly has some hidden perks.

For instance, my boss gives the best handjobs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists are predicting that an aurora will be created from all the self-isolating people stuck at home watching porn...

Due to the resulting coronal mass erection.

A girl goes to a psychiatrist and complains, “I don’t want to marry, I am educated, independent and self sufficient. I don’t need a husband but my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

Psychiatrist: “You, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But sometimes you will not go in the way you want. Sometimes you will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plan won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then whom will you blame? Will you blame yourself?”...

Is paying a person to kill them self

A money back guarantee?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I believe self-deprecation jokes are funny.

But nobody gives a shit what I think

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

Link: when I get hurt I lose hearts

**Sonic:** when I get hurt I drop rings

**Mario: *[self conscious about his height]*:** can-a we talk about-a something else-a?

What do you call a wolf that studies philosophy?

A self-aware wolf.

I just invented a DIY surgery kit

It’s called Suture Self.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English man, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all make plans to book into the same hotel but on 3 different nights

When the English man arrives at the hotel, the manager tells him that there is one room available, it already has a female guest, and there's only one double bed, the English man isn't bothered by this and walks up to his room, he opens the door and there's a woman lay on the bed...she opens her leg...

I was having a heavy night last night and I said to myself, "self, you need to stop drinking right now."

But there was no way I was going to listen to a drunk who talks to himself.

How many incels does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. No self respecting light bulb would want to be screwed by an incel.

A French Man was Teaching his English Girlfriend to Swim

After the third lesson, the man said to his girlfriend, “ok, you’ve now learnt enough. I’ll let you to swim on your own”
He then went out to relax by the pool side on the sun bed, as he watched his girlfriend practise her newly learnt skills.
After swimming for a while in the shallow end of th...

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