I have two arms for my self defence and they work everytime.

Dont know who they actually belongs to but it freaks out the opponent whenever i take them out.

My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"

"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

A friend asked: "Now that you're self-employed; are you going to let your hair grow?"

I replied: "I'm letting it, but it's not taking advantage of the opportunity."

I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, brui...

Trey Parker goes back in time to his 7 year old self at Casa Bonita...

Look, in the future you are going to have a very successful TV show for over 20 years, over 4 movies, Broadway accolades and a billion dollars. Also, you own Casa Bonita now.
And his 7 year old self says with excitement "I'm gonna own Casa Bonita?!"

There is a group of Amish engineers who created the hardware and software for a small self-driving horseless carriage.

It's a little buggy.

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know TUBA is also an acronym? Yeah really. It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

Compliments of Hank Green

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A woman decides to kill her self

She has had enough. Everyone is seeing her as a object and wants to have sex with her. So she jumps out of the 5th floor.

A man in the 4th floor sees her falling and catches her.

"What do you think you're doing?", he says, "Life is good. We can go to cinema. We can have some Ice Cream...

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My therapist told me I am quite self aware.

I already knew that.

How does Zorro pay for his groceries at the self-service checkout?

On card!

Self checkout.

Dear Walmart, I'm sorry I "forgot" to scan so many items the last time I went shopping. In my defense... You literally gave me zero training before promoting me to checker!

Some people say I'm self centered

But that's enough about them.

What do you call a tomato that self-identifies as a carrot?

A Transplant.

I don't consider my self a necrophilia,

... but more of a paleontologist.

I bought a book calling itself 'The Bible of being a self-entitled white woman'

It's called the Ka'ran

You have to admire Amish people for their great sense of self-derision. You can find tons of jokes making fun of them on Reddit...

But you never see one of them writing a disapproving comment below.

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As a self-employed, work-at-home guy during the pandemic

I'd like you to meet the employee of the month, Dick!

Please stand up and be recognized.

I was in the car with my family, talking about self esteem...

My 6 six year old daughter says... "daddy, what happens when you look in the mirror and you're ugly?" I'm immediately concerned and ask her "sweety, did someone say something mean to you? you are beautiful". She quickly replies, "no daddy, I was talking about you."

Two guys were walking down the road when they came upon a male dog licking his self.

One guy says I wish I could do that and the other guy says you better make sure he’ll let you pet him first...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

My wife said we need to sit down and talk about our future, and I was like 'Yeah gonna be awesome! Flying Cars, Colonies on Mars!, Self fixing robots it's gonna be amazing!!'

Not what she meant, am now single.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

What kind of appointment lowers your self- esteem?

Disappointment

After some of time self-reflection I came to realize

That I was not a vampire.

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My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class

I replied, "no wonder you're the biggest dick'

this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself

Self depreciation is my best skill,

And I'm pretty bad at it.

I don't understand why people keep telling me that I have no self-reflection

Something's clearly wrong with them.

The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...

It'll be known as the National Elf Service.

Why do Instagram influencers enjoy shopping at Walmart so much?

They just can't get enough of the self-checkout.

I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor...

... too bad I suck at telling jokes.

I wrote relationship advice for my future self couple years ago, since single people give the best advice.

I still give great advice.

A lawyer, A rabbi, and a Buddhist Monk...

...Are driving together on Route 66. It's beginning to get dark and they are wishing for a place to stop but there isn't a town for miles. Then they spot an old farmhouse and decide to ask. The farmer meets them at the door and listens to their request. He says that he would be glad to let them stay...

I got in touch with my inner self today.

I'm never buying cheap toilet paper again.

If you lose one of your senses, your other sense are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

I've just had that dreaded call telling me I have to self isolate!

Apparently my roommates cat has Covid 19!

Don't ask Meow

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem...

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.


One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him,


“Why did you stand up?”
He answered, “I d...

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A man decides to go golfing one Sunday. He's in the clubhouse paying for 18 holes when a gorgeous blonde woman approaches him. "Hey, I noticed you're golfing alone," she said...

"I'm golfing alone too. Can I join you?"

The man enthusiastically agrees and they head to the course.

She's good. *Really* good, and beats the man's score by many strokes. The man is feeling self conscious for losing so soundly to a woman. The woman notices his change in mood and says,...

When we have self-driving cars, I’m pretty sure . . .

my wife will complain about its driving too.

I’m fat but I self identify as thin.

I’m trans slender

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What do you call a horny emo who practices self-control?

An edgelord

I was told I make "too many jokes" about my self, and that the value of my humor is "depreciating"

I said "it's pronounced deprecating"

It's okay if you don't like self-deprecating humor.

You don't have to be hard on yourself.


(I'm pretty sure I just wrote that joke today. Though, I am a firm believer that no thoughts are original.)

Self-driving cars will never work right.

No matter how you try, it will always be buggy code.

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I went to a self help group for people that suffer from Premature Ejaculation last night

They said to get there at 7 but I came early.

My psychiatrist said that I have too much self esteem.

I think he's very wrong.

Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger.

Edit: thank you for the titanium kind stranger

Edit: oh my God I can't believe I got a ternion all powerful!

With the rise of self driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time...

Until there's a country song where the guy's truck leaves him.

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The redneck farmer was disturbed ,,,

The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn. "Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife." So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farme...

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Self deprecating romanian humor

Three explorers are caught by a savage tribe and brought before the chief. An american, a romanian and a russian.

chief says "we've had a good hunt so we won't eat you outright, but instead, for the tribe's benefit we will offer you three ways out: pay 100$, take a good beating or eat a bucke...

Why do Python programmers have low self esteem?

They're constantly comparing their self to other.

A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? 

‘What’s that?’, he asked. 

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. 

As his mind began to embrace the i...

An Indian family went into self quarantine

after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything.

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no

“You can taekwondo”

Your past self is an a-hole for leaving all these chores for you to do

...luckily your future self surely has more time than you now have, so you can rely on him doing them

A self-proclaimed genius walks into a bar and says...

..."I'm the smartest person in the world. In fact, I know every single word in this dictionary!" he yells at the crowd.

One of the patrons takes the dictionary and says, "Okay, tell me the meaning of the words *humility, charity,* and *patience."*

The genius replies, "Oh, so you're jus...

Why do Buddhists meditate in front of mirrors?

For optimal self reflection

Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.

They’re going to call it the iAye

A British tabloid has just run a story about how self conscious I am.

Its really upset me, I hate seeing myself in The Mirror.

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A man was driving down the road when his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.

...

The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.

I got in touch with my inner self this morning.

That's the last time I buy one ply toilet paper.

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I’m really self conscious about masturbating while lying on my back

I’m scared my dad will walk into the room and see the hole in the ceiling

The job posting said they were looking for a self-starter

so I called and told them I was hired.

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

Why are artists so good at self control?

Because they always know where to draw the line.

What’s the loneliest place in all of Louisiana ?

Bayou Self

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

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Don’t urinate on people in self defense

You’re just going to make them more pissed

I feel so self-conscious when I'm at home

It's difficult dealing with all the *stairs*

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration...

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't...

An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.

One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars. Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride. She refused, quipping "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride. Again H...

I recently completed a self defence course

I tell you what, the next person who attacks me in slow motion has a thing or two coming.

What do call a rope that tightens itself?

Self-taut.

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Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

i wrote this as a kid: Why did Jesus have low self esteem

He was Jewish. He didn’t believe in himself.

Lawyer Joke

A man is visiting a seaside town and walks into a pawn shop. He sees a large statue of a rat. “How much for the rat statue?” he asks. The pawnbroker responds, “It’s $10 for the statue, but $20 if you want the story that goes with it,” to which the customer replied, “I only want the statue.”

H...

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Self analysis

If you don't know what that is then you need to take a hard, long look at yourself

Just came from a bookstore where I asked the saleswoman how to find the self-help section...

she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose...

How does an orphan make bread

With self-raising flour

The best time to engage yourself in a long, self-reflection is...

....when you're getting a haircut.

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I just lost my virginity.

The experience changed me completely. It absolutely altered my self-image.

It's like I have entered another body.

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

I'm thinking of making a series of non-gloss self portrait dinner placemats

I'll name it My Multitude of Matte Mats of Matt by Matt

How to stop the church gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new m...

With life the way it is, you wanna know what really get up my nose, these days?

Rapid antigen Covid-19 self-tests.

Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago?

K, 9.

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Two virgin dwarves

Two virgin dwarves decide to go to a local brothel.

They arrive at the brothel, organise payment and are allocated a girl and a room each.

The first dwarf, lying on the bed next to the prostitute, starts to feel really self-conscious and nervous and can't get an erection however hard h...

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

What are 4 words that can ruin a man's self esteem?

"Is it in yet?"

What did the doctor say when their patient wouldn’t let them finish the surgery?

“Suture self”

I enjoy self-deprecating humour a lot.

I’m just not very good at it.

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Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

What do you call a self-contradictory idiot from Australia?

An "Aussie-Moron"

Awhile ago I went to the supermarket and bought some self raising flour...

It’s been 6 months and I’m still looking after it!

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

If self sabotage was a sport

I would find a way to lose.

I heard that people like self deprecating jokes

Too bad I am not good at them

I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers.

It's called On and On Anon.

Why Women Need a Husband?

Why Women Need a Husband?

A Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I don't want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don't need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great ...

Finding overnight fame is like finding food that was delivered to your house by accident

"Whoa what is this!"

"I didn't ask for this, how did this happen?"

"I'm sure there's someone out there who should have this instead of me"

"What do I even do now, should I call someone to tell them about this?"

*Three minutes later*

"Well...it's not like I'm going...

What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?

Mumbai

Self-deprecation jokes are a lot like me.

Both are dumb, pointless, and laughed at by everyone else.

I am reading a self help book

But I have putting off the chapters on procrastination ^^true_story

I heard self-deprecation is a sign of self obsession,

Good thing I suck at self deprecation.

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife

"You're too fat"

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took a self defense class.

Don't you dare attack me in slow motion now.

Today I had both colonoscopy and gastroscopy, and in a few hours, well...

I'll see my self out.

A martial arts expert is arrested for murder.

When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.

'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.

'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.

'No, thank you', the martial arts exp...

I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid for his self-defense

He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fence.

I’m done making self deprecating jokes!

I’m not funny enough anyway.

Trump says he’s a self-made man.

I think it’s decent of him to take the blame.

Whenever I get very angry or if I hurt my self, I shout out the sounds of migratory birds...

...which usually leaves me apologizing to someone for using fowl language.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

I know a lot of people find self-isolation hard, but I can honestly say...

I've never felt more at home.

(Credit: Celia Pacquola)

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

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I really hate my past self,

rumor has it he used to fuck my wife.

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

I'm reading a self-help book on the importance of being able to let things go.

I can't put it down.

Why did Mick, the French baker, have to self-isolate? [Genuine OC, I promise]

...Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie

I like making self-deprecating jokes.

You should know, they are not that great.

There once was a bee

He was a very charming and funny bee. But when he saw this beeutiful girl bee, he changed. He got shy when ever she was a around. He couldn’t look her in the eye, or even buzz a few words to her beefore feeling sick. Eventually, he realized that it wasn’t meant to bee, so he gave up on her. He retur...

Being self employed sucks

My boss is always threatening to kill me

I always like to finish my conversations with a self-deprecating joke...

...like me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 365 without sex in isolation and self quarantine:

Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies.

Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start.

With all this self-quarantine going on, in 9 months there will be a baby boom....

...And the top baby names will be Covid and Corona.

All my friends told me I have no self-awareness

Ridiculous, if I had no self-awareness I think I'd know.

The self isolation is keeping families united

My dad finally returned home with the milk

The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

I was gonna try taking some steps to boost my self esteem...

But to be perfectly honest, I don't think I deserve it.

I’ve decided to self isolate for the next two weeks.

I’m not ill, I’m just sick of the wife and kids.

Saw an old friend yesterday. As a joke I grabbed his hand and made him hit him self while I joked, "Why are you hiring yourself? Stop hitting yourself!"

His wife screamed and cried and the funeral director asked me to leave. Goddamn Philistines....

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The boredom of self isolation. Day (9)

Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a naked flame to the base, it eventually gets sucked in?

If you did know this, and you know how to get it out, please message me ...............Urgently.

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst part of being a self-employed, one person work from home business?

The constant sexual harassment, from the boss, while you're just trying to get work done.

A teenage girl is about to go on her first date and asks her mother, "Do I look pretty?"

Her mother says, "I can't answer that, honey."

"Why not?" asks her daughter. "I've spent an hour getting ready and I really want an opinion about how I look."

Her mother says, "What's important is how you feel."

"Mom!" says the girl, "This is important to me! I'm feeling very se...

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it

I think I managed to cover my tracks

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