If I wanted to commit suicide...

I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ.

Does one really suffer from having an inflated ego?

...or is it the greatest disease anyone could possibly ever have, ever?

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Egos are like penises...

Once they get inflated they need to be stroked.

Three words to ruin a man's ego

Is it in?

My friend told me I have a massive ego.

I told him that was impossible.

Because an ego would imply a fault, in which I have none.

Ego and superego walk into a bar

The bartender said "I'm going to need to see some ID."

I used to have major ego problem

But since I got rid of if I'm pretty much perfect

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I know my ego is pretty big

but it's nothing compared to my dick.

If you were a criminal with a high ego going down stairs...

Would you be a Condescending Con Descending?

I went to the psychologist to treat my big ego

I think it worked, I'm feeling much better than all of you today.

My friends say I'm ego-centric.

But enough about them...

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My sex life is exactly like my ego...

I always come first

My friends a farmer with a huge ego problem

All I did was ask where he was and he brags that he’s out standing in his field

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Trump's ego is so big...

Trump's ego is so big that when he bangs a super-model, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off.

-Seth Macfarlane, CC Roast of Trump

During our breakup, my ex said that my ego was way too big

But I think it’s one of the things that makes me so great

People tell me l have a big ego, but it's ok...

...I know I'm awesome

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

What? Another Sigmund Freud joke?

Here Ego again...

Did ya hear about the cannibal lion with a huge ego?

He had to swallow his pride

They say I have an inflated Ego.

I don’t know what they mean. Got an inflatable castle for my kids,
and I guess they're just envious that I'm such a great father.

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approache...

What do you call a musician without a huge ego?

Just a guy that plays music.

I don't have an ego

I'm just perfect

I Just Started My Job as a Minister's Assistant

My local church just hired me to assist the minister, and so far the job is going very well. The only real challenge is that he's very particular about the display towards the front of the sanctuary. He insists that it be kept spotless at all times, decorated with the freshest flowers, and have ever...

As a middleaged Argentine native I have come to the conclusion that our big ego and our arrogance don't let us see things the way they really are. We must admit that sometimes we make mistakes. Thus, we Argentines are imperfect.

...until you reach 50.

If Blizzard pulls Overwatch off the market...

Does that make the fans ego D.vastated?

I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It’s his altar ego.

What did Sigmund Freud say when his patient wouldn’t unhand his waffle?

“Leggo my ego!”

Me: I am thinking of climbing Mt Everest again.

My alter ego: Really? How many times have you climbed Mt Everest so far?
Me: Not once yet, but it is the seventh time I have had this thought.

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One of my all time favourites.... makes me laugh every single time.

Mr. Sullivan, the most arrogant man who could do no wrong, was on top of Mrs Sullivan, trying his best to please her. His butler was holding a dim lit lantern as the lights were out and the Sullivan's didn't like the darkness.

Somewhat tired, he asked mrs Sullivan "How good was it?"

"...

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I don’t like people who brag about their dick

I think they are too ego-testicle

TIL there's a city named after a waffle dropped on the beach

San Diego

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What is more sensitive than clitoris?

Republican party supporter's ego.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says "You must be a dent...

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

Freud walks into a bar.

"I'll bet $100 that I can outdrink anybody in this bar!" he declares.

"Well clearly you have an ego", says the barman. "I'll allow the contest but first I need to see some id."

"Oh OK", replies Freud. "I'll have a glass of water please, I'm parched."

Went golfing with my Grandpa yesterday..

We were on the 12th hole and I hit my tee shot a bit to the left. When we got to my ball there was a big 40ft tree right in my way and I was just going to hit around it when my grandpa chimed in:

"Ya know, when I was your age I could hit it right up and over that tree"

Well not to be ...

A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.

Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.



“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee....

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The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

I was stopped at a checkpoint and they asked for my ID.

Little did they know about my ego and superego.

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

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A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.... [Long]

First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees an...

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine.

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word." The mathemati...

What do you call the identity of a person who secretly is a priest?

It’s an altar ego.

I lost my Id the other day.

Well, at least I still have my Ego and Super Ego.

Sean Bean is walking down the street

Heard you guys like long OC.

 

Sean Bean is walking down the street, enjoying his Sunday night. Suddenly, a black paneled van pulls up next to him. Four massive dudes in ski masks wearing all black leap out and try to grab him. Sean remembers his GoT training and manages to ta...

Why are Americans so arrogant?

Because our national bird is the ego.

Why do people’s personalities change so much after marriage?

Because out comes their altar ego.

Once, a blonde visits a bar......

.........she orders a drink and waits, she spots two guys betting with dice. She goes there to check it out. They were simply calling out a number and rolling a dice, if it landed on the said number, they won. She was interested, and asked if she could get a try at it. Both men agreed. The blonde be...

One I wrote a while ago: Anti-Boasting Cream

Now I don't tell many jokes and definitely don't write them so I found this on my phone from about two years ago and was amazed!

I went to see the Doctor this morning about my big ego. He told me to try this anti-boasting cream.

I said, how do I apply it? It's just i've got really soft...

I am considering making a balloon of my subconscious...

But I’m afraid it will only inflate my ego...

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epic meeting of world's top leaders

During a World Economic Summit, George W Bush, Mexican President Vincente Fox, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and French Prime minister Jacques Chirac are ceremonially riding in Japan's newest bullet train. As you might know all of these political leaders have big egos and this is what ensued. Ge...

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There's a new Batman coming out, but Batman is being played by an Asian?

His alter-ego? Bruce Wang.

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An American, Japanese and Irish businessmen are having a business lunch....

While chatting, the ego of the American and Japanese men start to get the better of them and spend most of their time boasting, much to the discomfort of the Irish man.

Suddenly a phone rings, it's the American and he takes the call by putting his watch up to his face. When he's done, he prou...

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An upstart comedian speaks to a famous movie producer ...

"So, what's your idea?"

"Well, I want to make the film about how a wealthy New York businessman raised his child to become a selfish, arrogant prick just like himself. The boy's such a fucking asshole that even his neglectful father gets sick of the rat and sends him to a military academy. ...

How does the pope refer to his secret superhero identity?

It's his altar ego.

What's the difference between a cheeesburger and Reddit gold?

A cheeseburger can't feed your ego.

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