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Ego Jokes

I went to the psychologist to treat my big ego

I think it worked, I'm feeling much better than all of you today.

Clever Insult joke

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.

Three words that will most certainly ruin a man's ego

"... are you in?"

My friends a farmer with a huge ego problem

All I did was ask where he was and he brags that he’s out standing in his field

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My sex life is exactly like my ego...

I always come first

Ego and Super Ego walk into a bar

bartender says, "I'm going to need to see some id"

Did ya hear about the cannibal lion with a huge ego?

He had to swallow his pride

An ego and super-ego went to a nightclub.

The bouncer said "You're not coming in without id!"

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I know my ego is pretty big

but it's nothing compared to my dick.

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Trump's ego is so big...

Trump's ego is so big that when he bangs a super-model, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off.

-Seth Macfarlane, CC Roast of Trump

My friend told me I have a massive ego.

I told him that was impossible.

Because an ego would imply a fault, in which I have none.

If you were a criminal with a high ego going down stairs...

Would you be a Condescending Con Descending?

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How are egos and penises similar?

No one likes it when you stroke either in public

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approache...

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

They say I have an inflated Ego.

I don’t know what they mean. Got an inflatable castle for my kids,
and I guess they're just envious that I'm such a great father.

The king's ego really took a hit when he couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

His men were walking on eggshells.

Heisenberg from Breaking Bad isn't an alias...

It's a Walter ego.

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The town drunkard gets berated by his wife for drinking with the money she gave him to get chicken.

With his ego hurt he promptly gets drunk again, steals a live hen from a nearby farm and tries to scramble back home before getting caught. In a bid to not get caught, he sneaks into a shabby cinema hall after somehow calming the hen down enough to stick it down his pants.
It was an adult film ...

People tell me l have a big ego, but it's ok...

...I know I'm awesome

Went golfing with my Grandpa yesterday..

We were on the 12th hole and I hit my tee shot a bit to the left. When we got to my ball there was a big 40ft tree right in my way and I was just going to hit around it when my grandpa chimed in:

"Ya know, when I was your age I could hit it right up and over that tree"

Well not to be ...

Zoo gorilla

A gorilla, one of the local zoo's most popular animals, suddenly dies one day. The zoo owner is afraid of what this might do to ticket sales, so he devises a plan: He hires a man to put on a gorilla suit and pretend to be the late ape.

So it's the new recruit's first day on the job and he's ...

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what do you call a man who brags about having a big dick?

Ego-testicle

What? Another Sigmund Freud joke?

Here Ego again...

What do you call a musician without a huge ego?

Just a guy that plays music.

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]

What city has the most people eating waffles on the beach?

San Diego

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My priest is an asshole.

Talk about an altar ego.

I don't like to brag

But my psychologist said I have the biggest ego he's ever seen.

I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It’s his altar ego.

A guy and a girl go on a date and things get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place...

Some flirting and fooling around later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. Watching all this the girl says, ”You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, replies, “Why yes actually. How did you figure that ou...

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. Biden woke up. On board there are only two parachutes.

Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself. He yells "my peter is great!"

Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky:...

A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.

Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.



“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee....

Whenever someone gives you a tough time or is being ignorant tell them.

That the most surefire way to commit suicide is to jump from their ego, to their IQ

As a middleaged Argentine native I have come to the conclusion that our big ego and our arrogance don't let us see things the way they really are. We must admit that sometimes we make mistakes. Thus, we Argentines are imperfect.

...until you reach 50.

How did Kanye commit suicide?

He jumped from the top of his ego.

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

I lost my Id the other day.

Well, at least I still have my Ego and Super Ego.

If Blizzard pulls Overwatch off the market...

Does that make the fans ego D.vastated?

Me: I am thinking of climbing Mt Everest again.

My alter ego: Really? How many times have you climbed Mt Everest so far?
Me: Not once yet, but it is the seventh time I have had this thought.

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The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

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A daughter asks her dad, “Why is my brother named Haemorrhoids? It’s such a strange name.”

The dad responds: “Well, when he was born we wanted him to make sure he grew up humble and didn’t get too big an ego. So, we named him after something that everybody hates and is a big pain in the ass.”

Daughter: “Oh, that makes sense. Thanks Dad!”

Dad: “You’re welcome Karen.”

I Just Started My Job as a Minister's Assistant

My local church just hired me to assist the minister, and so far the job is going very well. The only real challenge is that he's very particular about the display towards the front of the sanctuary. He insists that it be kept spotless at all times, decorated with the freshest flowers, and have ever...

An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road

The driver discovers he has no service and can't call for help. Just as he starts walking, a shiny new BMW stops next to him. "Hey man, having car trouble?" The driver asks. "I'm afraid so." The driver of the Fiat answers. "Tell you what, my car is strong enough, I'll tow you to the nearest garage!"...

What do you call the identity of a person who secretly is a priest?

It’s an altar ego.

Superman challenges The Flash to a race

"You will never beat me" said the flash, "but I guess I can let you try" they agree to run from the east coast of the U.S to the west.

The race begins and Superman runs as fast as he can, he puts absolutely everything he's got into it but when he gets to the west coast he see's the flash sit...

I was stopped at a checkpoint and they asked for my ID.

Little did they know about my ego and superego.

Why do people’s personalities change so much after marriage?

Because out comes their altar ego.

One I wrote a while ago: Anti-Boasting Cream

Now I don't tell many jokes and definitely don't write them so I found this on my phone from about two years ago and was amazed!

I went to see the Doctor this morning about my big ego. He told me to try this anti-boasting cream.

I said, how do I apply it? It's just i've got really soft...

What did one Master Debater say to the other Master Debater?

Nothing, they were too busy stroking their egos.

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What is more sensitive than clitoris?

Republican party supporter's ego.

Freud walks into a bar.

"I'll bet $100 that I can outdrink anybody in this bar!" he declares.

"Well clearly you have an ego", says the barman. "I'll allow the contest but first I need to see some id."

"Oh OK", replies Freud. "I'll have a glass of water please, I'm parched."

Why are Americans so arrogant?

Because our national bird is the ego.

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There's a new Batman coming out, but Batman is being played by an Asian?

His alter-ego? Bruce Wang.

How does the pope refer to his secret superhero identity?

It's his altar ego.

What's the difference between a cheeesburger and Reddit gold?

A cheeseburger can't feed your ego.

What city would you be in if you dropped your waffle on the beach?

....Sandy ego.

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