I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

How would a triangle kill itself?

With the hypotenoose.

Guess history repeats itself!

We have Electro Swing, another Pandemic, and a Crashing Stock Market! Looks like the Twenties are back again!

How does a dog camouflage itself in the forest?

It barks.


My 4 yo made this up.

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two-tired!!

Two men are standing on a corner watching a dog lick itself.

Two men are standing on a corner watching a dog lick itself.

First guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that."

Second guy says, "You should probably try petting him first."

What did the Swiss mountaineer say when he got to a mountain where global warming was reversing itself?

Let's go climate!

My bicycle can't stand up by itself.

I'm sure that it is two tired.

"basically when you walk through a doorway your mind resets itself to take in new information causing you to forget what you came for in the first place"

**Archduke Franz Ferdinand:** so you dont remember why you time traveled here?

"I do think it was probably important"

Never get on a horse that let itself out of the barn.

It's unstable.

My 7 year old told me this joke. I hadn't heard it before - What does a camel use to hide itself?

Camelflage

Did you hear about the picture that hung itself?

I don't believe them... It was clearly framed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo Dick.

There was a man that often went away on business trips. While he was away on his trips, his wife would get very... frustrated. So, before a long trip, the husband wanted to get his wife something special to help the 'lonliness' while he was away.

He went to his local sex shop, and talked to ...

How did ISIS rebrand itself after the death of all its leaders?

It changed its name to
WASWAS

My next door neighbor's 9 year old came over and had to tell me this joke I don't know what was funnier.Her trying to tell me that joke without laughing or the joke itself.

There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. So the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?"

The bull replies,"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

I wish the grass in my yard was like emo people so it would cut itself..

I was going to say a joke about a child but then decided to abort...

What has legs, feet, and runs but cannot go anywhere by itself?

A pair of pantyhose.

What does a virus need to do in order to reach more people?

It needs to strain itself.

A Catholic bishop, a Baptist minister, and a Jewish Rabbi meet in a bar.

The three men sit next to each other and begin talking about life and the aspects of their various faiths. The town they all lived in was in a very heavily forrested area and after a couple of drinks the men have an idea.

Each man puts down a couple hundred bucks and they decide to have a com...

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

Halloumi

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.

The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"


The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reac...

There was a south pacific island village...

Far away in the south pacific, there once was an island village with the custom of electing a new chief every year. By tradition, the laborers of the village would work for months every year to create a giant, ornate bamboo throne for each new chief.

The thrones from previous chiefs began to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the restaurant chain call itself Red Rooster?

They didn't think Red Cock sounded very appetising.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.

Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".

Genie: Wait, what? Why?

Man: It's for a joke, trust me.

Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?

Man: Yes.

Burger King: Have it your way.

How does a cow kill itself?

With a moose

Covid-19 copies itself you know!

Its Plaguerism I tell you!

One day, a lawyer finds a genie's lamp.

The lawyer rubs the lamp, and the genie comes out.


"You have three wishes," the genie says. "The only rule is that you can't wish for more wishes."


After thinking for a while, the lawyer finally says, "I wish the word *splork* were interchangeable with the word *wish*. Nex...

Ugh... My hair has never been this long before, and all the salons are closed due to the pandemic. I wish I had emo hair...

...so it would cut itself.

I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

I called my grass emo

So it would cut itself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach

For the sake of civility and to protect from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.

A women came by and smirked, “If you were a real gentleman you’d lift your hat for a lady.”




The man replied, “Ma’am, if you were more attractive it would lift itself.”

"This macaroni keeps sliding around my kitchen counter by itself, and I keep finding it at the foot of my bed at night", my brother told me.

"Man, this is some creepy pasta" I replied.

Why did the chicken kill itself?

To get to the other side.

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbr pays him a visit and says, ‟So how is your strange business going?”

‟What do you mean strange?”

‟Because you sell only trumpets and guns!”

‟So?”

‟Well, let me put it th...

My breast wrote a novel about itself.

It's the titular character.

A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

*Tell me what happened son*

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

*So you got a l...

My father's friend died in an car accident.

My father took me to his friend's funeral even though I didn't knew anyone of the people who attended that funeral. Few moments later a gentleman stood beside me and said,

Man- Hey kid, enjoy your life to your fullest and never give up in your life. These are the days which you'll remember y...

Oh no, the universe just imploded itself!

No matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Day At The Beach

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a hat over his penis.. A woman walking by him stops and says, "If you were a proper gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady."

The man replies, "If you were a proper lady, the hat would lift by itself."

A boil killed itself.

It was a cyst did suicide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We have ghosts in house

\- "I went last night to the bathroom and light turns on by itself. I finish peeing and go out only for the light to turn off by itself too."

\- "Idiot! You pissed in the fridge again."

Miss 3 consecutive payments of Tesla

The car drives itself back to the sales house

I'm always amazed at the wonders of nature and how in tune they are with the Earth itself. For example, when ducks fly in V-formation, do you know why one side is often longer than the other?

Its because that side has more ducks in it.

What does a cat say when it hurts itself?

Me-OW

The only thing a flat earther is afraid of

Is sphere itself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had painful spots on his penis.

He went to the doctor to get treatment.

The doctor said,"I have bad news. The treatment costs $10,000. I will need to cut off your penis."

The man was shocked at the news. It was too expensive and he didn't want his penis cut off, so he went to China to seek treatment.

Once h...

Why did the ice cube kill itself?

It felt so Ice-olated

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get a sleeping Pokemon to shit itself?

Snorlaxatives

A baby was born...

A baby was born and during its christening, mutters “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, god bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa” and the next day the Grandpa suddenly dies.

A few weeks pass and the baby speaks up again, babbling “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma” and sure enough th...

What’s baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the Great War was a bar fight

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity.

The river sticks

What kind of bread can pay for itself?

A Bank Roll

A flat-earther's greatest fear is...

Sphere itself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

How did the virus introduce itself?

Hi, I'm an influenza, check out my YouTube page!

other soldiers in the trojan horse: [angrily staring at me]

**me:** guys my clarinet isn’t going to practice itself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a carnivore that reproduces itself?

Asexual Predator

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

A chemistry froze itself at -272,15 °C

We all think that he is dead, but in reality he is 0K.

A handsome man is on a nudist beach.

His only article of clothing was a hat covering his family jewels. An ugly woman walked by and looked at the naked man.

"If you are a gentleman, you would raise your hat to a lady." She said.

The handsome man replied, "If you were attractive, the hat would raise itself."

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

Three gentlemen were discussing about the oldest job in the world...

A doctor, an electrical engineer and a lawyer were talking about who had the most ancient profession.

The doctor said: "Well, god was the first doctor, for he created life itself, so my profession is the oldest!"

The electrical engineer replied: "But wait, before that, God said 'may t...

SMART TV

Just bought the latest model. When Trump appears and starts talking, it turns itself off !

What crime carries the punishment in itself?

Polygamy.

The history of MANKIND is just as mysterious as the word itself.

MANKIND is made up of two words, MANK and IND. What do these two words mean? We will never know.

The human brain is the only thing I'm aware of...

That named itself.

The Island Joke.

There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island.

One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent sm...

I always thought the origin of the word "politics" was a strangely accurate description of itself.

"Poli-" meaning "many",

"-tics" meaning "bloodsucking parasites."

So I’m driving and I see a goat with his head stuck in a fence and I think to myself “well when an opportunity presents itself...”

So I pull over and I’m with my friend and I get behind the goat and start giving it to him and I look at my friend and ask if he wants to get in on this.

He says “hell yeah!”

Then sticks his head into the fence.


My dad said this joke and thought it was hilarious had to sh...

Why was 10 ashamed of itself?

Because it came after 7 8 9.

Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer

It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

I pointed ...

This woman goes to her doctor complaining about her husbands anger, as he seems to just flip out on her and lose his temper constantly...

...the doctor makes a suggestion, "Ok, here's what I want you to do, anytime that you feel like your husband is about to get flip out, I want you to go the kitchen, pour yourself a glass of water, and then take a swig and keep swilling it around your mouth until he calms down"...

The woman, p...

We must remember the past, or history will always repeat itself.

We must remember the past, or history will always repeat itself.

FDR: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Truman: I'm gonna have to stop ya right there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vacation Blues

I had returned from my vacation trip to China during which I spent an evening with a most interesting young lady.
One morning about a week later I felt the most excruciating pain coming from my penis.

Upon inspection I discovered to my horror that my penis had turned blue and green.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four mothers and their young children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He t...

What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?

One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.

What do you call a pink flower that resurrects itself?

A rein-carnation.

A journalist sets itself to find the saddest story in his region...

So he plans to go to the most remote area where civilization is still getting there slowly. One of the locals says that he can take him to Babka, the eldest person in the village, he agrees and goes to Babka's house. When he gets there, he greets Babka and tells him that he is a journalist looking f...

A frog found itself on this sub....

Reddit...

Reddit...

Reddit...

Reddit...

Reddit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wants to buy an inflatable sex doll

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female?” The customer says, “Female” The counter guy asks, “Black or white?” The customer says, “White” The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?” The customer says, “What the hell does religion...

I was going to go on TV and show everyone my motor that spins at exactly 1,800 rpm. Unfortunately, the station uses a 30fps camera, so while you can still see the motor itself...

The revolution will NOT be televised

A common feature of animals born through incest is skin that has been curled up and turned over on itself.

Rolled hide.

Chuck Norris wears a mask not because he has to protect himself from Corona Virus.

He wears it so Corona Virus can protect itself from him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who's the boss of the body?

One day, certain parts of the body got into an argument over who was in charge. The eyes said "well, we're in charge because without us, the body wouldn't be able to interact with the world."

"Are you kidding??" Said the legs. "Without us, you eyes would have nothing to see except a ceiling. ...

What do you call a muppet hanging itself?

Kermit-ting suicide.

Why did H blow itself up?

Because G had.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this

She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special...

They say a house divided against itself cannot stand

But house÷house = 1

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ad man is overwhelmed with work...

An ad man is overwhelmed with work so he contracts our his easiest account, for Acme Nails, to his brother in law, who is a professional animator, to produce the ad.

Two days before it's due he still hasn't heard anything so he calls his BIL.

"Hey man, you must be done by now, right? I...

The Russian doll that I got for my birthday has a terrible personality

It’s so full of itself

"Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself."

-History

I saw a shark swimming by itself in the ocean...

...I tried to lure it to me with some meat I had on board. It did not seem intrigued and just swam away.

I guess it was just a low-interest lone shark.

Why is emo pizza the best pizza?

Because it cuts itself

Why couldn't the skeleton hurt itself?

Because it didn't have the nerves.

History is repeating itself again.

England is taking heavy losses, while the French are raising their hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kidnappers enjoyed torturing me

It was days before one of them allowed me to finally drink any water. When he gave me the jug of discolored water, the grin on his face had me terrified to drink it, and I instantly imagined it was full of poison. But I couldn't help myself; I was too thirsty. I drank it all.

Still I couldn't...

Cats don't need smart phones to solve their problems, they just sleep until the problem solves itself.

Cats: There's a nap for that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My pubic hair trimming business will limit itself to female customers for the first few months.

I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a fly drops three inches...

{Sorry if this is a repost, I haven’t seen it before and I heard this back in eighth grade.}


There was a fly dancing three inches above the water.

A fish saw it and thought, “If that fly drops three inches, I can get the fly and eat it!”

By the shore is a bear. The bear see...

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?

You would too if your name was "ARGHAGHRRAH!"

How did the ink kill itself?

I don’t know, he just dyed

Why did the 3-wheeled car kill itself?

It lost its wheel to live.

A planet is a celestial body that is in orbit around a star, has sufficient gravity to make itself round and has cleared the neighbourhood around its orbit.

That’s why Pluto isn't a planet but your mum is.

How does a spanish condiment identify itself?

Soy sauce

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does your Dick reach your Asshole?

A boy passes Freshman year of high school with an A, so happily he goes to father asking for a 100 dollars so he can party with his friends.
Father asks him, "Does your Dick reach your Asshole?" to which the boy obviously says no. So the father denies his request.

In the Sophomore year the...

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