UPJOKE
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Itself Jokes

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

Because it was two-tired!

I got an wedding invite that said, “We are not accepting any gifts. Your presence on our special day is a gift in itself.”

Reading it, I realized that I wasn’t invited.

I just saw a robot charging itself

It was re-volting!

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What do you call a pig pleasuring itself?

Masturbacon

Which citrus fruit can actually cut itself?

A lemon, because inside it’s a little emo.

What did the popcorn kernel say when it found itself attached to another kernel?

I'm a little corn-fused.

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I love my children more than life itself...

And I can barely fucking stand my kids.

Why did the hurricane kill itself?

Because it had tropical depression.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire. The barista asks each of them why they think the empire is falling.

Aristotle gives a powerful speech about how the empire has failed to live up to its telos and deconstructs the very nature of what an em...

What do you call a cow pleasuring itself?

Beef Strokinoff

What did the Avacado say to itself in the mirror?

You are 'fat' but you are 'good fat'

the only thing flat earthers fear...

Is sphere itself!

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My grandfather was a USAF pilot during the war. He personally flew 16 bombing runs over Japan, two of which were over Tokyo itself. But at the end of the war, they slung him out of the USAF. They didn't even give him his service medal.

I always thought he was hard done by. Everybody else in the Korean war got their service medal.

How does a glass of milk introduce itself in Spanish?

Soy Milk

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A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A woman passes by and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..." He replies "If you were any sort of sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself!"

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The Green Dickie!

A nymphomaniac just couldn't get enough pleasure. Not from any man, nor any of the many toys she had collected over the years.

One day, while having coffee with a girlfriend, she told her friend about this problem. Her friend knew exactly what she needed, and gave her the name of a ...

Why is your pig missing a leg?

Why is your pig missing a leg?

-Well, one day I was working at the barn when i accidentally dropped my gas lamp and everything caught on fire, the whole barn was surrounded by the flames and there was no way out. I was pretty sure I was going to die, but suddenly, my pig came running through ...

In the 1930s, a farmer attempted to steal cows from a neighbouring farm.

He became a bit of a local legend. No one knew exactly why he stole them, and we still don’t know to this day. Some say he was just in a desperate situation, some say these cows had been abused and that he was rescuing them, some say he was just a greedy old farmer.

He attempted this great bo...

Why did the wheel refuse to exercise?

Because it didn't want to tire itself out

A joke (long)

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it ...

I tried to make my students understand why the earth pulls objects towards itself...

I guess they just didn't understand the gravity of the matter.

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My printer died last night under suspicious circumstances.

Epson didn't kill itself.

Heard this at a wedding

A woman and her husband had been married for 60 years and had remained faithful and loving this entire time. However, the woman did have one secret; a shoebox in her closet. The shoebox itself was not a secret, but the wife had told the husband that he was never to open or ask about the box, so the...

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There was a guy who had penis enlargement surgery.

His penis was so small that he went to speak to a doctor about it. “The doctor said, the vets have an old baby elephant trunco we would use for you? “ “ yes doctor, that’s amazing !” After a couple months he goes on a date and it’s going well until his trunk comes out his pants, and steals a brea...

There are a few hidden advantages of being a citizen of Switzerland.

Their flag itself…is a big plus.

What does a frog use to conceal itself?

A croaking device.

How does a Shelf defend itself?

They learn Shelf-Defense.

A dog gets left in a forest by its owners. A tiger spots it, and thinks to itself: "What is that? It looks delicious." The dog catches wind of it though, and in a bit of quick thinking, it stands in front of a pile of bones, and shouts: "Mmmm, tiger meat is the best! I gotta hunt for more!"

The tiger kills and eats the dog, because it doesn't know dog language.

Why is r/Jokes like history?

Despite knowledge of the past, it still repeats itself.

What do call a rope that tightens itself?

Self-taut.

How does a dog camouflage itself in the forest?

It barks.


My 4 yo made this up.

I heard a joke about an echo.

It won't stop repeating itself.

A guy shows up at the gates of heaven

St. Peter prepares to welcome the man, but before St. Peter can greet him, the man walks away. A few moments later, the exact same thing happens. This repeats itself a couple of times before St. Peter angrily asks: "For God's sake, are you gonna come in or not!?"

The man, walking away yet aga...

Do you know why bicycle can't stand by itself?

Because it is two tired

What’s baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.

I bought a book calling itself 'The Bible of being a self-entitled white woman'

It's called the Ka'ran

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Who is the Boss ?

In an official delegates meeting of a so and so company Boss of that company decided to fire mrs.X in the upcoming 25th anniversary that is after 2 days.

So at the day of an anniversary. Somehow from the inside information got leaked and Mrs.X came to know about that at the beginning of the a...

“What does a kangaroo get if it hurts itself really badly?”

“A hop-eration”

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter so be kind!

Wish my hair was emo...

Then it would cut itself

Which anion has an ​​intense dislike of itself?

Sulfate

My 7 year old told me this joke. I hadn't heard it before - What does a camel use to hide itself?

Camelflage

Teacher: You shouldn't use a word to define itself because circular definitions are not useful.

Student: Why is there a giant poster on your wall that says "No Means No"?

How would a triangle kill itself?

With the hypotenoose.

Two men are standing on a corner watching a dog lick itself.

Two men are standing on a corner watching a dog lick itself.

First guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that."

Second guy says, "You should probably try petting him first."

We were travelling far far away in space. Moving through time faster than the universe itself.

But i still got a traffic ticket in the mail.

There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity.

The river sticks

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare ...

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The tale of the fly and the lake

Once upon a time, at a small lake in the forest, a little fly was hovering over the calm waters, close to the water's edge.

Unbeknownst to it, a carp spotted the little insect from under the water's surface, and thought to itself:

*"If you fly just a little lower, buddy, I can just jum...

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A young priest is new to a confregation

And he strikes up a conversation with a young nun. He tells her that on his studies in The Vatican he’s come to understand an important teaching that’s been neglected. Basically, it turns out the kingdom of heaven is sealed with an earthly lock. Luckily, men posses the key and women, the lock itself...

A tesseract tells itself a joke

Have you heard the one about the dot walking into a bar and telling 2 lines about a plane? ... It went right over their heads.

I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

My next door neighbor's 9 year old came over and had to tell me this joke I don't know what was funnier.Her trying to tell me that joke without laughing or the joke itself.

There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. So the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?"

The bull replies,"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

Guess history repeats itself!

We have Electro Swing, another Pandemic, and a Crashing Stock Market! Looks like the Twenties are back again!

Never get on a horse that let itself out of the barn.

It's unstable.

What did the cheese say to when it saw itself in the mirror?

Hallou mi

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The psychiatrist

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

\- "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said,

\- "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to t...

A man discovered a small fashion boutique that had just opened, and went in.

After telling the clerk that he's "just looking", he peeked around and found a shirt he thought would look good on him.

"What a nice shirt," he said.

Then he heard a voice, as if from inside the shirt itself: "What a nice shirt, a nice shirt."

At first, the man was shocked, but...

I need to get a new friend

I’ve been trying to develop a website on my laptop but needed help as I only know basic coding. I asked my friend, a computer programmer, for advice and he told me to get Python

After about a week, the snake arrived. It then proceeded to wrap itself around the computer now it doesn’t work at ...

Why did the chicken kill itself?

To get to the other side.

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So there is this bear hunter

So this chap is out bear hunting. He sees a large bear, sneaks up on it, takes his shot and misses!

The bear spots him and charges. The hunter runs but trips and the bear is on him. To his surprise the bear doesn't maul him to death but says:

"Look, I've eaten today but I am a bit ho...

How did ISIS rebrand itself after the death of all its leaders?

It changed its name to
WASWAS

In the early 1400's, a little town in France was down on its luck...

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr...

What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?

One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

A mechanic, an engineer and a Microsoft developer are driving in the middle of nowhere

when a tire burst. They stop and check the trunk : no spare wheel.

The mechanic say: well, looks like we have to walk back to the last village we crossed and call a tow truck.

The engineer: wait a sec, we should not rush. Let’s analyse all our options and evaluate the probability of ea...

A boil killed itself.

It was a cyst did suicide.

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Why did the restaurant chain call itself Red Rooster?

They didn't think Red Cock sounded very appetising.

I received a wedding invitation.

It read, "Your presence itself is a present. We don't want any presents at the wedding."

After re-reading it repeatedly, I concluded that I was not invited. So I decided not to attend.

"Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself."

-History

Oh no, the universe just imploded itself!

No matter.

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How do you get a sleeping Pokemon to shit itself?

Snorlaxatives

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

How does a cow kill itself?

With a moose

What did the Swiss mountaineer say when he got to a mountain where global warming was reversing itself?

Let's go climate!

Did you hear about the picture that hung itself?

I don't believe them... It was clearly framed

Why did H blow itself up?

Because G had.

"basically when you walk through a doorway your mind resets itself to take in new information causing you to forget what you came for in the first place"

**Archduke Franz Ferdinand:** so you dont remember why you time traveled here?

"I do think it was probably important"

Why couldn't the skeleton hurt itself?

Because it didn't have the nerves.

We must remember the past, or history will always repeat itself.

We must remember the past, or history will always repeat itself.

My breast wrote a novel about itself.

It's the titular character.

Why was 10 ashamed of itself?

Because it came after 7 8 9.

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My pubic hair trimming business will limit itself to female customers for the first few months.

I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.

"This macaroni keeps sliding around my kitchen counter by itself, and I keep finding it at the foot of my bed at night", my brother told me.

"Man, this is some creepy pasta" I replied.

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

I always thought the origin of the word "politics" was a strangely accurate description of itself.

"Poli-" meaning "many",

"-tics" meaning "bloodsucking parasites."

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?

You would too if your name was "ARGHAGHRRAH!"

What has legs, feet, and runs but cannot go anywhere by itself?

A pair of pantyhose.

So I’m driving and I see a goat with his head stuck in a fence and I think to myself “well when an opportunity presents itself...”

So I pull over and I’m with my friend and I get behind the goat and start giving it to him and I look at my friend and ask if he wants to get in on this.

He says “hell yeah!”

Then sticks his head into the fence.


My dad said this joke and thought it was hilarious had to sh...

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

Covid-19 copies itself you know!

Its Plaguerism I tell you!

The history of MANKIND is just as mysterious as the word itself.

MANKIND is made up of two words, MANK and IND. What do these two words mean? We will never know.

What does a cat say when it hurts itself?

Me-OW

What do you call a pink flower that resurrects itself?

A rein-carnation.

A journalist sets itself to find the saddest story in his region...

So he plans to go to the most remote area where civilization is still getting there slowly. One of the locals says that he can take him to Babka, the eldest person in the village, he agrees and goes to Babka's house. When he gets there, he greets Babka and tells him that he is a journalist looking f...

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The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

Time passes. The patrons filter out. Eventually the bartender grows old. His children mourn him at his passing, and meet the grave in their turn. The city crumbles under the intrigues of time and war, and new cities lay their foundations upon the old. These, too, crumble. Humanity itself grows old, ...

A chemistry froze itself at -272,15 °C

We all think that he is dead, but in reality he is 0K.

What do you call a muppet hanging itself?

Kermit-ting suicide.

Santa Claus had started feeling like he was losing some of his mojo at one point...

... so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special.

Eventual...

I'm always amazed at the wonders of nature and how in tune they are with the Earth itself. For example, when ducks fly in V-formation, do you know why one side is often longer than the other?

Its because that side has more ducks in it.

How does a spanish condiment identify itself?

Soy sauce

What kind of bread can pay for itself?

A Bank Roll

What do you call a ship that drives itself?

Auto-pirate.

FDR: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Truman: I'm gonna have to stop ya right there.

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

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