UPJOKE
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Itself Jokes

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What do you call a pig pleasuring itself?

Masturbacon

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"
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Reddit is killing third-party applications (and itself). Read more in this post.

>!More!<
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What’s baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.
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What did the Avacado say to itself in the mirror?

You are 'fat' but you are 'good fat'
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

Because it was two-tired!
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What do you call a cow pleasuring itself?

Beef Strokinoff
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"Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself."

-History
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Which seafood only thinks of itself?

Shellfish.
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How does a glass of milk introduce itself in Spanish?

Soy Milk
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I just saw a robot charging itself

It was re-volting!
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How did the triangle kill itself?

It used a hypotenuse.
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Which citrus fruit can actually cut itself?

A lemon, because inside it’s a little emo.
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What do you call a fish that absolutely loves washing itself?

Cod in a bath romance
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What does Pennsylvania wear to protect itself from the cold sea?

New Jersey.
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Why did the hurricane kill itself?

Because it had tropical depression.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love my children more than life itself...

And I can barely fucking stand my kids.

What do you call it when you find a nose just by itself, with no victim to be found?

No-body nose (sound it out)
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How does a dog camouflage itself in the forest?

It barks.


My 4 yo made this up.
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What did the popcorn kernel say when it found itself attached to another kernel?

I'm a little corn-fused.
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what did today's date say to introduce itself?

It's a me! Mar10
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There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity.

The river sticks
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How does a Shelf defend itself?

They learn Shelf-Defense.
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I got an wedding invite that said, “We are not accepting any gifts. Your presence on our special day is a gift in itself.”

Reading it, I realized that I wasn’t invited.
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What does a frog use to conceal itself?

A croaking device.
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Guess history repeats itself!

We have Electro Swing, another Pandemic, and a Crashing Stock Market! Looks like the Twenties are back again!
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What do call a rope that tightens itself?

Self-taut.
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Why couldn't the skeleton hurt itself?

Because it didn't have the nerves.
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Which anion has an ​​intense dislike of itself?

Sulfate
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Do you know why bicycle can't stand by itself?

Because it is two tired
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A tesseract tells itself a joke

Have you heard the one about the dot walking into a bar and telling 2 lines about a plane? ... It went right over their heads.
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Why did the chicken kill itself?

To get to the other side.
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A boil killed itself.

It was a cyst did suicide.
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I tried to make my students understand why the earth pulls objects towards itself...

I guess they just didn't understand the gravity of the matter.
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Why did H blow itself up?

Because G had.
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“What does a kangaroo get if it hurts itself really badly?”

“A hop-eration”

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter so be kind!
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Two men are standing on a corner watching a dog lick itself.

Two men are standing on a corner watching a dog lick itself.

First guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that."

Second guy says, "You should probably try petting him first."
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How does a cow kill itself?

With a moose
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Covid-19 copies itself you know!

Its Plaguerism I tell you!
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Oh no, the universe just imploded itself!

No matter.
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What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?

One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.
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Why was 10 ashamed of itself?

Because it came after 7 8 9.
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My breast wrote a novel about itself.

It's the titular character.
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Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?

You would too if your name was "ARGHAGHRRAH!"
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I bought a book calling itself 'The Bible of being a self-entitled white woman'

It's called the Ka'ran
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The only thing Flat-Earthers fear

Is sphere itself.
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Did you hear about the picture that hung itself?

I don't believe them... It was clearly framed
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I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short
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How did the virus introduce itself?

Hi, I'm an influenza, check out my YouTube page!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the restaurant chain call itself Red Rooster?

They didn't think Red Cock sounded very appetising.

What do you call a plate of spaghetti that sells itself?

A pastatute
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Why did the ice cube kill itself?

It felt so Ice-olated
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Teacher: You shouldn't use a word to define itself because circular definitions are not useful.

Student: Why is there a giant poster on your wall that says "No Means No"?
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Never get on a horse that let itself out of the barn.

It's unstable.
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What did the cheese say to when it saw itself in the mirror?

Hallou mi
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History is repeating itself again.

England is taking heavy losses, while the French are raising their hands.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get a sleeping Pokemon to shit itself?

Snorlaxatives

We must remember the past, or history will always repeat itself.

We must remember the past, or history will always repeat itself.
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What crime carries the punishment in itself?

Polygamy.
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A chemistry froze itself at -272,15 °C

We all think that he is dead, but in reality he is 0K.
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My 7 year old told me this joke. I hadn't heard it before - What does a camel use to hide itself?

Camelflage
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man was relaxing at a nude beach with his hat over his crotch…

A young lady passing by whistled at him and said, “If you were a gentleman, you’d lift that hat!”

Old man: If you were pretty, it would lift itself!

We were travelling far far away in space. Moving through time faster than the universe itself.

But i still got a traffic ticket in the mail.
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How did ISIS rebrand itself after the death of all its leaders?

It changed its name to
WASWAS
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What kind of bread can pay for itself?

A Bank Roll
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Me: "Why does that emo cake cost so much?"

Bakery Cashier: "It cuts itself."
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How did the ink kill itself?

I don’t know, he just dyed
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How does a spanish condiment identify itself?

Soy sauce
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What turns itself off when it's turned on...

Guys called Jack.
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The brain named itself

When you think about it.
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A frog found itself on this sub....

Reddit...

Reddit...

Reddit...

Reddit...

Reddit...
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Why did the 3-wheeled car kill itself?

It lost its wheel to live.
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The UK government can go fuck itself.

They'd better not film it, though.

What do you call a muppet hanging itself?

Kermit-ting suicide.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My pubic hair trimming business will limit itself to female customers for the first few months.

I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.

What has legs, feet, and runs but cannot go anywhere by itself?

A pair of pantyhose.
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The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare ...
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Why did the math book kill itself?

Because it had too many problems
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The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...
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What do you call a pink flower that resurrects itself?

A rein-carnation.
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My dog ate itself

I think he's Asian
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What do you call a ship that drives itself?

Auto-pirate.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

I have a PS2 that charges itself

I'm not sure how it works, but my Sun takes care of it.
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They say a house divided against itself cannot stand

But house÷house = 1
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A journalist sets itself to find the saddest story in his region...

So he plans to go to the most remote area where civilization is still getting there slowly. One of the locals says that he can take him to Babka, the eldest person in the village, he agrees and goes to Babka's house. When he gets there, he greets Babka and tells him that he is a journalist looking f...
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My grandfather was a USAF pilot during the war. He personally flew 16 bombing runs over Japan, two of which were over Tokyo itself. But at the end of the war, they slung him out of the USAF. They didn't even give him his service medal.

I always thought he was hard done by. Everybody else in the Korean war got their service medal.

The history of MANKIND is just as mysterious as the word itself.

MANKIND is made up of two words, MANK and IND. What do these two words mean? We will never know.
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FDR: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Truman: I'm gonna have to stop ya right there.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.


PS: Saw this somewhere on Facebook not my original.
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I received a wedding invitation.

It read, "Your presence itself is a present. We don't want any presents at the wedding."

After re-reading it repeatedly, I concluded that I was not invited. So I decided not to attend.
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What fruit can't be married by itself.

Cantaloupe
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Why did the bread talk down about itself?

It was self-loafing
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What do you call soup that kills itself?

Stewicide.
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How do you get a sheep to shave itself?

Under shear pressure.
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What kind of cologne applies itself?

Elon Musk
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Why did the moon hide itself when it cried?

It was in mourning
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My ten year old daughter told this one...

A girl and a boy are locked out of their house. They can't find any way in, so the girl leans forward and starts talking to the door lock... "Hey door lock you're looking nice today, why don't you go ahead and let us in."

The door magically unlocks itself. The boy is shocked, "how did you d...
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So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects ...
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What did the Swiss mountaineer say when he got to a mountain where global warming was reversing itself?

Let's go climate!
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What kind of cheese does theoretical math by itself?

Provealone
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does an elephant disguise itself as a cherry tree?

Paints his balls red.

Whats the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

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