How does a Shelf defend itself?

They learn Shelf-Defense.

What does a frog use to conceal itself?

A croaking device.

Which anion has an ​​intense dislike of itself?

Sulfate

What do call a rope that tightens itself?

Self-taut.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

Teacher: You shouldn't use a word to define itself because circular definitions are not useful.

Student: Why is there a giant poster on your wall that says "No Means No"?

I bought a book calling itself 'The Bible of being a self-entitled white woman'

It's called the Ka'ran

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

We were travelling far far away in space. Moving through time faster than the universe itself.

But i still got a traffic ticket in the mail.

Do you know why bicycle can't stand by itself?

Because it is two tired

Why did the chicken kill itself?

To get to the other side.

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

“What does a kangaroo get if it hurts itself really badly?”

“A hop-eration”

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter so be kind!

What did the cheese say to when it saw itself in the mirror?

Hallou mi

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If the fly would only drop six inches

Once upon a time there was a fish swimming in a river when it sees a huge fly above the water. The fish thinks to itself, "Man, if that fly would just drop six inches I could jump up and get a meal!"

Well on the bank of the river is a bear. The bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks t...

How would a triangle kill itself?

With the hypotenoose.

How does a dog camouflage itself in the forest?

It barks.


My 4 yo made this up.

A farmer went out to the field and found one his cows had gone cross-eyed

The cow could hardly walk and kept bumping into things. Fearing it might hurt itself, he called his vet to come have a look at the cow. The vet took one look at the cow and told the farmer "I've seen this before. You stand up there in front and watch her eyes." The vet took out a section of hose, pu...

A tesseract tells itself a joke

Have you heard the one about the dot walking into a bar and telling 2 lines about a plane? ... It went right over their heads.

Guess history repeats itself!

We have Electro Swing, another Pandemic, and a Crashing Stock Market! Looks like the Twenties are back again!

Fish-flavored ice cream

Once upon a time, there was an ice cream shop. One day, a little girl walks in...
"How can I help you, little girl?" - said the ice cream maker.
"Do you have fish-flavored ice cream?" - she asked.
"No, we don't" - he replied.
"Bummer" - said the little girl while leaving.
The next day...

What do you call a plate of spaghetti that sells itself?

A pastatute

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

A woman goes to IKEA to buy a new bedroom closet

She comes home and assembles the closet but as soon as a bus drives by her house, the closet collapses in on itself.

Frustrated she tries again, this time taking care to follow the instructions to the letter. Just as she is finished, another bus drives by her house and the closet collapses ag...

Two men are standing on a corner watching a dog lick itself.

Two men are standing on a corner watching a dog lick itself.

First guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that."

Second guy says, "You should probably try petting him first."

My 7 year old told me this joke. I hadn't heard it before - What does a camel use to hide itself?

Camelflage

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A therapy support group session.

A psychiatrist was conducting a therapy support group session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

"He turned to the second mother and s...

Never get on a horse that let itself out of the barn.

It's unstable.

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A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

What did the Swiss mountaineer say when he got to a mountain where global warming was reversing itself?

Let's go climate!

My next door neighbor's 9 year old came over and had to tell me this joke I don't know what was funnier.Her trying to tell me that joke without laughing or the joke itself.

There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. So the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?"

The bull replies,"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

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My printer died last night under suspicious circumstances.

Epson didn't kill itself.

How did ISIS rebrand itself after the death of all its leaders?

It changed its name to
WASWAS

"basically when you walk through a doorway your mind resets itself to take in new information causing you to forget what you came for in the first place"

**Archduke Franz Ferdinand:** so you dont remember why you time traveled here?

"I do think it was probably important"

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

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A new vibrator has gone on sale.

Its so realistic that just before the woman reaches orgasm,


It cums, farts, goes limp then switches itself off!.

Did you hear about the picture that hung itself?

I don't believe them... It was clearly framed

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A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

What’s baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.

I wish the grass in my yard was like emo people so it would cut itself..

I was going to say a joke about a child but then decided to abort...

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Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknowst to our favourite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in ...

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Why did the restaurant chain call itself Red Rooster?

They didn't think Red Cock sounded very appetising.

A guy walks into an adult toy store.

He walks up to the clerk and says, I'd like to buy a blow up doll." The clerk asks, "Male or female?" "Female." "Black or white" "White." "Christian or Muslim?" Curious, the guy says, "Muslim." "Regular or radicalized extremist?" The clerk asks. "What's the difference?" the guy says. "The radicali...

How does a cow kill itself?

With a moose

Why can’t you take electricity to social events?

Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

What has legs, feet, and runs but cannot go anywhere by itself?

A pair of pantyhose.

There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity.

The river sticks

Why does lightning shock people?

Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.

A joke my mother told me today

A British man comes to a village and is given saag^1 on bajra roti^2. He eats the saag by itself and returns the roti to his hosts, saying "Here is your plate."

1. Saag is a mushy dish made with boiled spinach or mustard greens

2. Bajra roti is a flat bread made from millet, it has no...

Covid-19 copies itself you know!

Its Plaguerism I tell you!

"This macaroni keeps sliding around my kitchen counter by itself, and I keep finding it at the foot of my bed at night", my brother told me.

"Man, this is some creepy pasta" I replied.

Oh no, the universe just imploded itself!

No matter.

A boil killed itself.

It was a cyst did suicide.

The only thing Flat-Earthers fear

is sphere itself.

How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None! In Russia, lightbulb change itself.

My breast wrote a novel about itself.

It's the titular character.

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Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

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How do you get a sleeping Pokemon to shit itself?

Snorlaxatives

My friend told me that I don't understand irony

Which itself was ironic because it was a Wednesday

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What’s the difference between an Aussie and an arsehole?

An arsehole can’t go out for a night on the piss and make an Aussie of itself

A flat-earther's greatest fear is...

Sphere itself.

A farmer and his corn

A farmer was trying to impress a girl so he put an ear of corn in his pants. The girl got excited and went to unzip his pants. She sees the corn and is confused. The farmer says, well it ain’t gunna shuck itself.

What does a cat say when it hurts itself?

Me-OW

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

I'm always amazed at the wonders of nature and how in tune they are with the Earth itself. For example, when ducks fly in V-formation, do you know why one side is often longer than the other?

Its because that side has more ducks in it.

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The Medicran (long)

Fair warning: I heard this from my Dad years ago, so…dad joke ahead. Consider yourself warned.

Long ago, a tribe of the northlands was being savaged by the fearsome Medicran. A council of the tribes elders, after some discussion decided something needed to be done. They charged the tribe’s b...

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

Why did the ice cube kill itself?

It felt so Ice-olated

What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?

One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.

What kind of bread can pay for itself?

A Bank Roll

I wish my pubic hair was emo...

...so that it would cut itself.

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What do you call a carnivore that reproduces itself?

Asexual Predator

Why was 10 ashamed of itself?

Because it came after 7 8 9.

We must remember the past, or history will always repeat itself.

We must remember the past, or history will always repeat itself.

How did the virus introduce itself?

Hi, I'm an influenza, check out my YouTube page!

I always thought the origin of the word "politics" was a strangely accurate description of itself.

"Poli-" meaning "many",

"-tics" meaning "bloodsucking parasites."

The history of MANKIND is just as mysterious as the word itself.

MANKIND is made up of two words, MANK and IND. What do these two words mean? We will never know.

So I’m driving and I see a goat with his head stuck in a fence and I think to myself “well when an opportunity presents itself...”

So I pull over and I’m with my friend and I get behind the goat and start giving it to him and I look at my friend and ask if he wants to get in on this.

He says “hell yeah!”

Then sticks his head into the fence.


My dad said this joke and thought it was hilarious had to sh...

Seven ate six

After seven ate six, it thought to itself, "After I ate nine my mouth felt numb, but this time it's even number".

Did you hear about the guy who had a crash in his land rover autobiography?

They say the car wrote itself off

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

One day while returning from school a 8 year old child ...

One day while returning from school a 8 year old child met a Saint and had a conversation with him.

The Saint became so happy with the child that he gave him a magic sentence which will fulfill all his wishes.

"I know everything"

However, he warned him to not use the Sentence m...

Why did H blow itself up?

Because G had.

What do you call a pink flower that resurrects itself?

A rein-carnation.

What crime carries the punishment in itself?

Polygamy.

"Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself."

-History

A journalist sets itself to find the saddest story in his region...

So he plans to go to the most remote area where civilization is still getting there slowly. One of the locals says that he can take him to Babka, the eldest person in the village, he agrees and goes to Babka's house. When he gets there, he greets Babka and tells him that he is a journalist looking f...

FDR: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Truman: I'm gonna have to stop ya right there.

What turns itself off when it's turned on...

Guys called Jack.

Imagine missing a payment on a TESLA,

and the car drives itself back to the dealership.

Why couldn't the skeleton hurt itself?

Because it didn't have the nerves.

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My pubic hair trimming business will limit itself to female customers for the first few months.

I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.

What is the funniest fish?

A piranha-ha-ha.

In fact, it hurt itself laughing so hard, it had to see a sturgeon.

What do you call a muppet hanging itself?

Kermit-ting suicide.

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?

You would too if your name was "ARGHAGHRRAH!"

I was going to go on TV and show everyone my motor that spins at exactly 1,800 rpm. Unfortunately, the station uses a 30fps camera, so while you can still see the motor itself...

The revolution will NOT be televised

A frog found itself on this sub....

Reddit...

Reddit...

Reddit...

Reddit...

Reddit...

A common feature of animals born through incest is skin that has been curled up and turned over on itself.

Rolled hide.

I was watching A New Hope on my felt couch the other day...

When I suddenly let rip a massive fart, so big that it caused the fabric to ruck up and fold over itself.

I forced a great disturbance in the felt.

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way,...

Why did the 3-wheeled car kill itself?

It lost its wheel to live.

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.

Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".

Genie: Wait, what? Why?

Man: It's for a joke, trust me.

Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?

Man: Yes.

Burger King: Have it your way.

How does a spanish condiment identify itself?

Soy sauce

One day, a lawyer finds a genie's lamp.

The lawyer rubs the lamp, and the genie comes out.


"You have three wishes," the genie says. "The only rule is that you can't wish for more wishes."


After thinking for a while, the lawyer finally says, "I wish the word *splork* were interchangeable with the word *wish*. Nex...

They say a house divided against itself cannot stand

But house÷house = 1

A planet is a celestial body that is in orbit around a star, has sufficient gravity to make itself round and has cleared the neighbourhood around its orbit.

That’s why Pluto isn't a planet but your mum is.

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Ever heard a joke with a moral?

A mosquito is flying above the surface of a lake. Beneath it, in the water, there is a salmon swimming. It sees the mosquito and thinks to itself: "If only it would fly a little lower, i could jump out of the water and catch it." On the shore, there is a bear standing quietly and thinks to itself: "...

History is repeating itself again.

England is taking heavy losses, while the French are raising their hands.

Cats don't need smart phones to solve their problems, they just sleep until the problem solves itself.

Cats: There's a nap for that.

So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects ...

How did the ink kill itself?

I don’t know, he just dyed

Which element on the periodic table is best at concealing itself?

Hydrogen.

What do you call a ship that drives itself?

Auto-pirate.

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The UK government can go fuck itself.

They'd better not film it, though.

A Catholic bishop, a Baptist minister, and a Jewish Rabbi meet in a bar.

The three men sit next to each other and begin talking about life and the aspects of their various faiths. The town they all lived in was in a very heavily forrested area and after a couple of drinks the men have an idea.

Each man puts down a couple hundred bucks and they decide to have a com...

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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach

For the sake of civility and to protect from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.

A women came by and smirked, “If you were a real gentleman you’d lift your hat for a lady.”




The man replied, “Ma’am, if you were more attractive it would lift itself.”

Why did the math book kill itself?

Because it had too many problems

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