A dog gets left in a forest by its owners. A tiger spots it, and thinks to itself: "What is that? It looks delicious." The dog catches wind of it though, and in a bit of quick thinking, it stands in front of a pile of bones, and shouts: "Mmmm, tiger meat is the best! I gotta hunt for more!"

The tiger kills and eats the dog, because it doesn't know dog language.

How does a Shelf defend itself?

They learn Shelf-Defense.

What does a frog use to conceal itself?

A croaking device.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

The only thing that flat-earthers have to fear...

is sphere itself.

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

What do call a rope that tightens itself?

Self-taut.

Which anion has an ​​intense dislike of itself?

Sulfate

Teacher: You shouldn't use a word to define itself because circular definitions are not useful.

Student: Why is there a giant poster on your wall that says "No Means No"?

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How many therapists does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Zero, they tell the lightbulb to fix itself

I bought a book calling itself 'The Bible of being a self-entitled white woman'

It's called the Ka'ran

Do you know why bicycle can't stand by itself?

Because it is two tired

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

We were travelling far far away in space. Moving through time faster than the universe itself.

But i still got a traffic ticket in the mail.

Why did the chicken kill itself?

To get to the other side.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

“What does a kangaroo get if it hurts itself really badly?”

“A hop-eration”

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter so be kind!

What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza?

Pizza won't cut itself.

A new brain cell is born in a man's skull

Scientists have long thought that the number of brain cells was fixed from childhood, but have now discovered that new brain cells can indeed appear even in adults.

So on this day, a new brain cell is born in a man's skull, and it finds itself in a gigantic dark and empty cave.

"\_ Is...

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

The cow Elsa

A wealthy farmer is away from home for a business meeting shortly over a week now when suddenly his phone rings in the middle of the night. The calling number is that of his country estate!

Caller: "Yes, this is your butler. I just wanted to tell you that your cow Elsa had died."

Farme...

How does a dog camouflage itself in the forest?

It barks.


My 4 yo made this up.

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My printer died last night under suspicious circumstances.

Epson didn't kill itself.

How would a triangle kill itself?

With the hypotenoose.

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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A politician is looking for an advantage in an upcoming election so he hires a specialist adviser who charges £1million for an hour of advice.

The politician begs, borrows and steals, remortgaging his house to pay for the appointment, sure it will win him the election and pay for itself a dozen times over.

During the hour, the politician rushes through everything he wants to know and the adviser answers every question cleverly and ...

What did the cheese say to when it saw itself in the mirror?

Hallou mi

Why do you never use a cannon in hot weather?

It shoots itself at 90 degrees

Marriage Invitation!

I received a marriage invitation. In the end was printed. " Your presence itself is a gift. We don't want any gifts at the marriage."

I read it again and again. Was getting confused...

Finally I came to the conclusion, that I am not invited. And therefore decided not to attend

A tesseract tells itself a joke

Have you heard the one about the dot walking into a bar and telling 2 lines about a plane? ... It went right over their heads.

Why was the spaghetti so exhausted?

Because it strained itself

A string walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve strings in here."

So the string goes outside, tangles itself up, mashes itself up a bit, and walks back into the bar. The bartender says, "Aren't you the string that was just in here?"

"No. I'm a frayed knot."

Guess history repeats itself!

We have Electro Swing, another Pandemic, and a Crashing Stock Market! Looks like the Twenties are back again!

What do you call a plate of spaghetti that sells itself?

A pastatute

Two men are standing on a corner watching a dog lick itself.

Two men are standing on a corner watching a dog lick itself.

First guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that."

Second guy says, "You should probably try petting him first."

My 7 year old told me this joke. I hadn't heard it before - What does a camel use to hide itself?

Camelflage

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The moth with depression

One evening physiotherapist is beginning to count down the minutes until he can close up his practice when his Secretary tells him that he has a walk in client, “well we are still open, so be it” says the physiotherapist “send them in!” The Secretary then gets kind of nervous and reveals that the cl...

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

You try

Spell the word 'cow' in 13 letters – a question asked in a competitive exam Intellectuals went mad analyzing it. Highly-reputed professors were stumped thinking what could be the answer. Lecturers debated that the question itself was wrong, maybe there was a printing mistake, etc. Toppers were confu...

Never get on a horse that let itself out of the barn.

It's unstable.

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The Attack Monkey

After recently being robbed, a middle-aged wife tells her husband to go out and buy an attack dog. So the next day, the man goes out to his local pet store. "Hello sir, I would like to purchase an attack dog." The store clerk shakes his head. "Sorry, we don't sell attack dogs here. But we DO have an...

What does a cryptid kill itself with?

A noosie!

A man in his 80’s went to a doctor with his beautiful, breathtaking 25 year old lady.

Doctor helped the frail old man in his clinic: What can I do for you today, sir?

Old man said to the Dr: I married this beautiful angel 2 months ago, and she is pregnant with my baby. At this age, I forgot how to care for the mother, I want to seek your advice.

Doctor a little taken ...

My next door neighbor's 9 year old came over and had to tell me this joke I don't know what was funnier.Her trying to tell me that joke without laughing or the joke itself.

There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. So the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?"

The bull replies,"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

What’s baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.

The FBI has answered my mom's oldest question.

The FBI recently announced that indeed (contrary to my mothers teaching) the laundry has done itself!

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

What did the Swiss mountaineer say when he got to a mountain where global warming was reversing itself?

Let's go climate!

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If the fly would only drop six inches

Once upon a time there was a fish swimming in a river when it sees a huge fly above the water. The fish thinks to itself, "Man, if that fly would just drop six inches I could jump up and get a meal!"

Well on the bank of the river is a bear. The bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks t...

How did ISIS rebrand itself after the death of all its leaders?

It changed its name to
WASWAS

I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

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Sparrows

One late Fall morning at sunrise three tiny sparrows sat on a telephone wire overlooking a country road. The freezing wind blew, the wire swayed uncomfortably, and the tiny birds were cold, hungry, and pathetic.

As the sun rose, a pony clip-clopped along the road below and dropped huge pile ...

"basically when you walk through a doorway your mind resets itself to take in new information causing you to forget what you came for in the first place"

**Archduke Franz Ferdinand:** so you dont remember why you time traveled here?

"I do think it was probably important"

Did you hear about the picture that hung itself?

I don't believe them... It was clearly framed

I wish the grass in my yard was like emo people so it would cut itself..

I was going to say a joke about a child but then decided to abort...

Wife brings home a street cat

The husband hated the cat however and one day carried him a short walk down the road and left it there.

When he arrived home he was shocked to find the cat was already there eating some food the wife had given him. Before it could finish however the man again took the cat and this time rode ...

There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity.

The river sticks

A farmer went out to the field and found one his cows had gone cross-eyed

The cow could hardly walk and kept bumping into things. Fearing it might hurt itself, he called his vet to come have a look at the cow. The vet took one look at the cow and told the farmer "I've seen this before. You stand up there in front and watch her eyes." The vet took out a section of hose, pu...

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

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Why did the restaurant chain call itself Red Rooster?

They didn't think Red Cock sounded very appetising.

How does a cow kill itself?

With a moose

What has legs, feet, and runs but cannot go anywhere by itself?

A pair of pantyhose.

Oh no, the universe just imploded itself!

No matter.

A boil killed itself.

It was a cyst did suicide.

History

If you are thinking about paying for the History channel just choose a one year plan as their shows are repetitious.

The History channel always repeats itself.

"This macaroni keeps sliding around my kitchen counter by itself, and I keep finding it at the foot of my bed at night", my brother told me.

"Man, this is some creepy pasta" I replied.

Covid-19 copies itself you know!

Its Plaguerism I tell you!

My breast wrote a novel about itself.

It's the titular character.

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How do you get a sleeping Pokemon to shit itself?

Snorlaxatives

A woman goes to IKEA to buy a new bedroom closet

She comes home and assembles the closet but as soon as a bus drives by her house, the closet collapses in on itself.

Frustrated she tries again, this time taking care to follow the instructions to the letter. Just as she is finished, another bus drives by her house and the closet collapses ag...

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A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

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A therapy support group session.

A psychiatrist was conducting a therapy support group session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

"He turned to the second mother and s...

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Once a man was lying on the beach wearing nothing but a hat on his crotch.

Then a lady came by her and said, "If you were a gentleman you would have lifted your hat to a lady."

Then he replies “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”

What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?

One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.

What does a cat say when it hurts itself?

Me-OW

I'm always amazed at the wonders of nature and how in tune they are with the Earth itself. For example, when ducks fly in V-formation, do you know why one side is often longer than the other?

Its because that side has more ducks in it.

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

We must remember the past, or history will always repeat itself.

We must remember the past, or history will always repeat itself.

Why was 10 ashamed of itself?

Because it came after 7 8 9.

Why did the ice cube kill itself?

It felt so Ice-olated

I always thought the origin of the word "politics" was a strangely accurate description of itself.

"Poli-" meaning "many",

"-tics" meaning "bloodsucking parasites."

What kind of bread can pay for itself?

A Bank Roll

The history of MANKIND is just as mysterious as the word itself.

MANKIND is made up of two words, MANK and IND. What do these two words mean? We will never know.

So I’m driving and I see a goat with his head stuck in a fence and I think to myself “well when an opportunity presents itself...”

So I pull over and I’m with my friend and I get behind the goat and start giving it to him and I look at my friend and ask if he wants to get in on this.

He says “hell yeah!”

Then sticks his head into the fence.


My dad said this joke and thought it was hilarious had to sh...

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A new vibrator has gone on sale.

Its so realistic that just before the woman reaches orgasm,


It cums, farts, goes limp then switches itself off!.

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Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknowst to our favourite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in ...

Why did H blow itself up?

Because G had.

"Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself."

-History

How did the virus introduce itself?

Hi, I'm an influenza, check out my YouTube page!

What do you call a pink flower that resurrects itself?

A rein-carnation.

Why couldn't the skeleton hurt itself?

Because it didn't have the nerves.

A journalist sets itself to find the saddest story in his region...

So he plans to go to the most remote area where civilization is still getting there slowly. One of the locals says that he can take him to Babka, the eldest person in the village, he agrees and goes to Babka's house. When he gets there, he greets Babka and tells him that he is a journalist looking f...

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My pubic hair trimming business will limit itself to female customers for the first few months.

I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.

FDR: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Truman: I'm gonna have to stop ya right there.

What crime carries the punishment in itself?

Polygamy.

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?

You would too if your name was "ARGHAGHRRAH!"

What do you call a muppet hanging itself?

Kermit-ting suicide.

A joke my mother told me today

A British man comes to a village and is given saag^1 on bajra roti^2. He eats the saag by itself and returns the roti to his hosts, saying "Here is your plate."

1. Saag is a mushy dish made with boiled spinach or mustard greens

2. Bajra roti is a flat bread made from millet, it has no...

Why does lightning shock people?

Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.

Why can’t you take electricity to social events?

Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

I was going to go on TV and show everyone my motor that spins at exactly 1,800 rpm. Unfortunately, the station uses a 30fps camera, so while you can still see the motor itself...

The revolution will NOT be televised

A frog found itself on this sub....

Reddit...

Reddit...

Reddit...

Reddit...

Reddit...

A guy walks into an adult toy store.

He walks up to the clerk and says, I'd like to buy a blow up doll." The clerk asks, "Male or female?" "Female." "Black or white" "White." "Christian or Muslim?" Curious, the guy says, "Muslim." "Regular or radicalized extremist?" The clerk asks. "What's the difference?" the guy says. "The radicali...

My friend told me that I don't understand irony

Which itself was ironic because it was a Wednesday

How does a spanish condiment identify itself?

Soy sauce

Why did the 3-wheeled car kill itself?

It lost its wheel to live.

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

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Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

A common feature of animals born through incest is skin that has been curled up and turned over on itself.

Rolled hide.

A planet is a celestial body that is in orbit around a star, has sufficient gravity to make itself round and has cleared the neighbourhood around its orbit.

That’s why Pluto isn't a planet but your mum is.

What do you call a ship that drives itself?

Auto-pirate.

So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects ...

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The UK government can go fuck itself.

They'd better not film it, though.

They say a house divided against itself cannot stand

But house÷house = 1

History is repeating itself again.

England is taking heavy losses, while the French are raising their hands.

A farmer and his corn

A farmer was trying to impress a girl so he put an ear of corn in his pants. The girl got excited and went to unzip his pants. She sees the corn and is confused. The farmer says, well it ain’t gunna shuck itself.

Cats don't need smart phones to solve their problems, they just sleep until the problem solves itself.

Cats: There's a nap for that.

How did the ink kill itself?

I don’t know, he just dyed

Puma has created a “smart shoe” that ties itself via an app on your phone.

Clever idea, but I feel devices like these lack sole.

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What’s the difference between an Aussie and an arsehole?

An arsehole can’t go out for a night on the piss and make an Aussie of itself

Why did the math book kill itself?

Because it had too many problems

How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None! In Russia, lightbulb change itself.

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