I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

What do you call an acid with an attitude?

Amino acid

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

What do you call a 10-strip of LSD with an attitude problem?

A mean-o acid.

My mattress has a real attitude problem

I have a temper-pedic

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

What do you call a prisoner with a snarky attitude going down stairs?

A condescending con descending.

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Positive attitude

Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight ...

A small town's only barber was known for his arrogant, negative attitude.

When one of his regular customers came in and mentioned that he'd be going to Rome and hoped to meet the Pope, the barber's response was typical. "You, meet the Pope? Ha, don't make me laugh. The Pope only sees kings and presidents and queens. What would he want with you?"

A month later, the ...

His attitude is just like the Supreme Court.

Ruthless

David received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music; anything that came to mind. ...

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Women with no boobs have the worst attitudes.

You'd think they would have already gotten everything off their chests.

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A Vietnamese man who recently moved to America is down on his luck and missing home. He decides to spend his last $5 on an authentic Vietnamese dinner hoping it will remind him of home.

He finds the nearest Vietnamese restaurant and makes the walk there, hoping to make it in time before they close. When he enters the owner greets him in Vietnamese and he responds in kind. Happy to be speaking his native language again the man makes small talk with the owner. After pleasantries he a...

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Girls with no boobs really be having the worst attitudes

Like wtf I thought you already got everything off your chest.

Snail with an attitude

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled at his spiky hair, pierced nose, tattoos and a bad attitude. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Honey," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Of course he is," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing...

I really adore the inherent pacifistic attitude of the vegans.

They don't want to have any beef with people.

That isn't to say that they are cow-ards

A guy goes to a restaurant with an attitude.

The waiter comes over and says “what can I get you today” He said “listen here very carefully, I’d like a goood cheeseburger, not too rare not dry but right in the groove”

Anything else? the waiter asks. “Yes, I’d like some fries, not soft and not too crispy but right in the groove. Tell the...

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

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A man walks into a pet shop

He asks the employee: "Show me a pet like nobody else has!". The employee thinks for am moment and goes: "Well, I do have this parrot." "Forget it,", says the man, "anyone can have parrot." "But not this one, this one is special!". The man takes a look at the parrot, sitting in his cage and the parr...

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

There was once the case of a licensed physician who was known for his harsh attitude on the job but he became markedly softer off of it.

It was also known as the curious case of Dr. Heckle and Mr. Chide.

What do you call a dinosaur with a negative attitude?

*a minusaur*

My Greek friend translated this joke

A guy walks in a bar and goes and sits at the bar, he nods to the barman who goes to him to serve him.

The guy seems edgy and says to the barman “get me a double scotch before it begins”. The barman doesn’t really make a deal out of his attitude and just gets him the drink. 3-4 minutes later ...

A man walks in to a bar and hangs his hat and coat on a peg

There's a dog sat in the corner which leaps up grabs the hat and rips it to pieces.

The man turns to the owner of the dog and says: “Your dog's just ruined my hat”

Dog owner: So what, I couldn't care less.

Man: I don't like your attitude!

Dog owner: It's not my attitude,...

Singapore’s education system be like

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels
of quality work and productivity from students, it will be
our policy to keep all students well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any...

A young Blonde was on vacation in Louisiana

She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I ca...

My friends attitude changed ever since he was left wheelchair bound

He used to be a stand-up guy

A conductor is getting an orchestra together for a performance but having trouble finding a clarinet player.

Finally, he calls a contractor who tells him "Well, the only guy I've got available at this moment is this jazz clarinetist.”

The conductor replies "I can't stand working with jazz musicians! They dress lousy, they're always late, and they all have an attitude problem.”

“Well" replie...

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Have you heard the old one about a woman doing a survey on sexual attitudes?

She stops an airline pilot and asks him, amongst other things, when he last had sexual intercourse. He replies 1958. Now, knowing airline pilots, the researcher is surprised and queries this. Well, says the pilot, it's only 2110 now.

(Credit, John Cleese c. 1991)

What do you call a German with a bad attitude?

A sour Kraut.

What do you call Basil, Pine Nuts, and Olive Oil with a bad attitude?

Pestomistic

My wife and I were talking about people's attitudes while we walked through the park.

She said, "What do you think of bigotries?"

I said, "I don't mind them. As long as they don't fall on me!"

What do you call a Hurricane with a bad attitude?

What do you call a Hurricane with a bad attitude? A Hurri-cant!

Currently evacuated for the second time (Mathew, now Irma). Shared this joke with my sister in law last year and it's an all-star dad joke if I say so.

It”s morning somewhere

Ever since I was a child, I'd always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.” "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Co...

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Marital Advice

Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something....
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,my wife and said, 'Here, try these on!

She did and said, 'These are...

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"Change" of attitude...

A woman encounters an old school mate.
- Hey! Long time no see!
- Ehh... How are you?
- Great! Working a lot to survive; the world is really hard these days...
- Seems wonderful
- Yeah, it is. And also finally got married with John
- Ummm Seems wonderful
- Yeah, he...

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
...

I blame my parents for my apathetic attitude...

... but I don't care.

Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.

Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

“Do you realise what time it is?!?” she stammered.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought som...

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So, a really, really, REALLY ugly woman, ugliest you will ever see, with a terrible attitude to boot, walks into a department store...

...with her two kids in tow. The manager of the store gets close to her and asks:
"Twins?"
The mother makes a huge, contorted face, and, incredible as it might seem, looks even uglier.
"No, you imbecilic twat. Bruce, that's the oldest, is nine, and Miranda is seven. What sort of questio...

I thought burying my wurst for a few days would improve its attitude, but it just became a spoiled brat.

I'm sorry. That was completely terrible. I shouldn't have wasted your time.

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I used to never give a shit, but my attitude is improving.

Now I don't give two shits.

How do you prove triangles congruent with attitude?

Do it with SAS.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“It’s your Attitude; not Aptitude, that decides your ALTITUDE”

A first-grade teacher, Ms Janet ( Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students

The teacher asked,”Little Johnny what is your problem?”

Little Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in t...

A young couple, just married...

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wea...

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MATHEMATICAL ANALYSIS OF 100%

What makes life 100%??
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If A B C D E F G ...

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A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

Why did the plane get grounded?

Bad attitude.

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A blonde on a plane

One of the stewards to the blonde passenger:
- Miss, you have a ticket to economy class. Please release this place from business class.
- I'm young, I'm beautiful and I go to Monte Carlo. Leave me alone!
After several attempts from the other stewards, who received the same answer:
- ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese transfer student named Kiyosuke wanted to lose his virginity before graduation

He transferred as a senior student, and high school graduation was near.

Because of his Asian physique, all the girls from school don't find him particularly attractive. Two months ago, one of his classmates, Sarah, found out that he is very fond of anime; so she spread malicious rumors about...

How to get a position in the Trump Administration

Trump: How much is 2 + 2?

You: How much do you want it to be?

Trump: That's the kind of winning attitude I demand, welcome to my team!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob the ant wanted to be a stand-up comedian

He had a wild, bold, and crazy personality and sense of humor. He knew he would be hilarious if he just had the opportunity to get in front of a crowd.
 

So Bob the ant went around town auditioning for gigs. He let his crazy attitude go full force at the judges. They weren’t too impressed,...

With the quarantine, California highway patrol's job suddenly got a lot more boring.

There was a trooper on the side of the 101 fighting to keep his eyes open, as there was empty road as far as he could see. Suddenly, he heard the roar of a charger zip past him. He flicked on his lights and siren and went after it. He clocked them going at 100MPH!

The car quickly pulled ov...

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith's house.

She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message.


As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened! ...

I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers.

We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said “Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?” One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said “it’s WALES you idiot!!!”

So I immediately...

"When I started my job, they handed me three envelopes."

"*These three envelopes were left to you by the previous employee who was recently let go. He said to open them in order if you ever got into a jam.*"

The job didn't seem so tough, and after all, why would I want to take advice from the guy who was just fired? I threw the envelopes into a dra...

An airplane yells at his son

"If you don't get an attitude adjustment immediately you're going to get grounded."

A beautiful blonde woman ends up sitting next to a professor on a plane.

He's amused by her ditzy attitude, and the two start playing a trivia game. The blonde agrees to pay a dollar for every question she gets wrong, and the professor, feeling pompous, offers to pay a hundred dollars for his incorrect answers.

After missing the first question, the blonde asks so...

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

Some say Steve Jobs died too young.

Others say it was simply an homage to Apple's attitude towards battery life.

Rude on many levels

I was a receptionist at a hotel, and the phone started ringing. I could see by the screen that it was the extension for the elevator's phone. I picked it up, and a voice I recognize as a particularly rude and troublesome guest, immediately starts yelling: "What the (beep) do I press to get out of th...

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