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Attitude Jokes

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

I'm sick and tired of these 18 yr old with attitude.

Everywhere I go they strut around acting like they rent the place.

What do you call an acid with an attitude?

A-mean-o acid

Bad bird

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words,...

A small town's only barber was known for his arrogant, negative attitude.

When one of his regular customers came in and mentioned that he'd be going to Rome and hoped to meet the Pope, the barber's response was typical. "You, meet the Pope? Ha, don't make me laugh. The Pope only sees kings and presidents and queens. What would he want with you?"

A month later, the ...

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A good attitude has a way of rubbing off on people.

Just like a public masturbator.

Snail with an attitude

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

Not just anyone can work at the Mountain Dew factory

You gotta have a can dew attitude.

Can do attitude

Scientists are developing a hybrid cantaloupe/honey dew. To succeed, they’ll need to have a can dew attitude.

My mattress has a real attitude problem

I have a temper-pedic

What do you call a 10-strip of LSD with an attitude problem?

A mean-o acid.

What do you call a prisoner with a snarky attitude going down stairs?

A condescending con descending.

His attitude is just like the Supreme Court.

Ruthless

I really adore the inherent pacifistic attitude of the vegans.

They don't want to have any beef with people.

That isn't to say that they are cow-ards

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Positive attitude

Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight ...

A blonde and an alligator

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde ...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a 5 gallon jug filled with $20 bills...

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender replies,

"It's the $20 challenge. You put a $20 into the jar, complete a set of three challenges, and if you win you take home the entire jar!"

The man looked at it and asked what the challenges were, because that much m...

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' "

So she starts doing so. Bu...

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Girls with no boobs really be having the worst attitudes

Like wtf I thought you already got everything off your chest.

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

What do you call a German with a bad attitude?

A sour Kraut.

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

What do you call a dinosaur with a negative attitude?

*a minusaur*

A guy goes to a restaurant with an attitude.

The waiter comes over and says “what can I get you today” He said “listen here very carefully, I’d like a goood cheeseburger, not too rare not dry but right in the groove”

Anything else? the waiter asks. “Yes, I’d like some fries, not soft and not too crispy but right in the groove. Tell the...

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Have you heard the old one about a woman doing a survey on sexual attitudes?

She stops an airline pilot and asks him, amongst other things, when he last had sexual intercourse. He replies 1958. Now, knowing airline pilots, the researcher is surprised and queries this. Well, says the pilot, it's only 2110 now.

(Credit, John Cleese c. 1991)

My friends attitude changed ever since he was left wheelchair bound

He used to be a stand-up guy

There was once the case of a licensed physician who was known for his harsh attitude on the job but he became markedly softer off of it.

It was also known as the curious case of Dr. Heckle and Mr. Chide.

What do you call Basil, Pine Nuts, and Olive Oil with a bad attitude?

Pestomistic

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

What do you call a weather phenomenon with an attitude?

Da rude sandstorm.

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"Change" of attitude...

A woman encounters an old school mate.
- Hey! Long time no see!
- Ehh... How are you?
- Great! Working a lot to survive; the world is really hard these days...
- Seems wonderful
- Yeah, it is. And also finally got married with John
- Ummm Seems wonderful
- Yeah, he...

My wife and I were talking about people's attitudes while we walked through the park.

She said, "What do you think of bigotries?"

I said, "I don't mind them. As long as they don't fall on me!"

How do you prove triangles congruent with attitude?

Do it with SAS.

I blame my parents for my apathetic attitude...

... but I don't care.

I thought burying my wurst for a few days would improve its attitude, but it just became a spoiled brat.

I'm sorry. That was completely terrible. I shouldn't have wasted your time.

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“It’s your Attitude; not Aptitude, that decides your ALTITUDE”

A first-grade teacher, Ms Janet ( Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students

The teacher asked,”Little Johnny what is your problem?”

Little Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in t...

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So, a really, really, REALLY ugly woman, ugliest you will ever see, with a terrible attitude to boot, walks into a department store...

...with her two kids in tow. The manager of the store gets close to her and asks:
"Twins?"
The mother makes a huge, contorted face, and, incredible as it might seem, looks even uglier.
"No, you imbecilic twat. Bruce, that's the oldest, is nine, and Miranda is seven. What sort of questio...

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

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I used to never give a shit, but my attitude is improving.

Now I don't give two shits.

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