In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

Do you remember all those jokes made last year about having 2020 vision?

Well, you know what they say about hindsight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is for everyone who has 20 20 vision

Why the FUCK didn’t any of y’all warn us about corona

Why doesn’t Batman have super vision?

Because his parents died

Why can't people with bad vision not program?

Because they can't C#

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If 2020 is perfect vision, how come no one saw this shit coming?

You need to wait until 2021. Hindsight is 2020.

With all the jokes about having 2020 vision over the past couple of years.

I bet no one could see this coming.

No one is making 2020 vision jokes anymore.

I guess they just lost sight of it.

The only superpower Asian kids have is super vision.

Commonly known as "being under constant adult supervision"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[TIL] Almost 99% of the world do not have 20/20 vision.

Cause we obviously didnt see this fucking year coming.

A Woman goes to the Optician

for her annual eye test. The Optician puts a contraption her face and asks her what can she see.
"I see empty airports, I see empty football grounds. I see closed theatres, closed pubs and closed restaurants"

"That's perfect" says the Optician "You've got 2020 vision"

Why can't blind people regain their vision?

Because they can't see the eye doctor

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic:
‟A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we will pay you $1,000 if we fail.”

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

D...

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I was on a date with this girl, staring into her eyes and my legs went a little weak, my vision went a little hazy lighting up her face

And I thought to myself, shit, I spiked the wrong drink

In 2020 we're going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision

I can see it clearly.

This year showed us that nobody had 20 20 vision

Because no one saw this coming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How much will it cost to buy everyone here a round of drinks?”, the man asks, taking a s...

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm worried about my vision! I'm seeing spots in front of my eyes."

The doctor asks, "Have you seen an opthalmologist yet?"

The guy says, "No, just the spots."

What do you call a Queen's vision?

Her Highness

A Man walks into an optometrist shop

He says," I think my vision is a little blurry, I may need glasses"

"Oh you need glasses for sure"

The man is perplexed," how can you be so sure without testing,?"

"Oh, I am sure, because this is the bank"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Experts believe that having too much sex can cause double vision

Does Does
anyone anyone
believe believe
that that
crap? crap?

Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes

I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself

In Captain America: Civil War, why wasn't Wanda allowed to leave her apartment?

Because she was under super-Vision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a sniper with bad vision, and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit

If I got a dollar for every 2020 vision joke I‘ve read today, I’d still be poor.

I don‘t sort by new.

What did the Australian say to the bug with great vision?

Good eye, mite

My friend stepped in a mound of fire ants as he was dropping off his ballot last night...

He was telling me how his vision got blurry and he could hardly walk.

I first asked him if he was ok. Then I said, "that sounds like voterinterfireants to me".

It was a crisp autumn morning in 2015, I was in a job interview.

When the interviewer asked me where I'd be in 5 years, I said I'd be sad, lonely, locking myself at home and playing Animal Crossing.



I guess you can say I have 20-20 vision.

Ole John

John was a religious boy who he prayed all night that he be accepted into heaven, the very next day he had a vision where Jesus told him “come fourth and you will receive eternal life” But John came fifth and won a flip phone

If I could have a superpower, it would be x-ray vision.

If I have one fault, it's never seeing things through.

A man was getting surgery to treat his bad vision

Man: are you sure this is going to work?

Doctor: you'll see.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

I had a vision about next year...

It was pretty clear

Had to drive my girlfriend to the optometrist because she was having issues with her vision

Turns out she was seeing other people

I'm beginning to think adult supervision is a myth

In fact, my vision just seems to be getting worse.

A man with chronic vision problems...

A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked an...

Two marvel characters that lost their vision

1. Daredevil

2. Scarlet Witch

Why did the girl wear glass only during the maths class?

To improvise d-vision.

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

Next year I will have a clearer vision for my future

It's gonna be 20/20.

To wear or not to wear single vision glasses

As a long time vision glasses user I just love it when people try to uplift my spirit saying :
"-OMG, you look so much better without wearing your glasses!...
To which I started to reply :
-Why thank you, indeed, you're looking so much better as well when I'm not wearing them "

I could not have predicted how this year went

I guess I don't have 2020 vision

There was a very well liked guy named Jimmy, and had always aspired to be a pilot, just like his dad.

Unfortunately, life took many rough turns for him in high school; one night while driving late one night, his tire blew out and he lost his right eye. Having only half his vision, his dreams of being a pilot were crushed, and he didn't know what to do with his life.

Jimmy, now fitted with a b...

Why are all glasses wearers able to rip paper with just one look?

They have tearable vision.

A man with a list of symptoms goes to the doctors office

A man shuffles into the doctors office, hunched over, wheezing, and clutching his stomach.

Man: “hi doc, I’ve been in constant pain.”

Doctor: “What’s the matter? Tell me the most prevalent symptoms.”

Thinking, the man slowly replies

Man: “ I have aches all over, I have a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.

I think she saw me coming.

At what elevation is your vision the best

See level

A couple of good covid jokes I've heard

1. I dont know anything about Coronavirus other than if you have it; you get an undeniable urge to go the airport.
2. By the point most of the world has been exposed to covid 19, but the people in Wuhan got it right of the bat.
3. You know why I think coronavirus wont last for more than a year...

A man who had recently lost his vision was charged with slander...

They said he was making blind accusations.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three women were fed up with their husbands

They agree that the best way to get their husbands to help with cleaning, is to stop doing it themselves. A week later, they meet again to discuss how it went.

The first one said: 'My Harry never did the laundry. I was sick of it. I told him: 'Harry, you lazy ass, I'm not doing your laundry a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So many people that knew what was going to happen this year and didn't tell the rest of us.

All the people with 2020 vision are jerks.

What do you call the Avenger that's not really part of the main group and usually only plays a small role in their missions?

Peripheral Vision

#

Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

I went to the optician today because I keep seeing the world fall apart.

He said I have 2020 vision.

What did -i call 1 making fun of his vision?

4 i's.

YMCA?

Cause' M got 20/20 vision

Two great football fanatics, Andy and Stevie, were discussing the chances of football being played in Heaven.

They couldn't see how any self-respecting Heaven would not have football - but yet, they weren't quite sure. Finally they agreed that the one who died first would come back and tell the other if they played football in Heaven or not.

Not long afterwards, Andy was run over by a bus and killed...

Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No one foresaw all the crazy shit happening this year...

They lacked 2020 vision.

What's what?

A very innocent young couple had spent a number of months courting very chastely indeed, not least because they had only the haziest idea of what being unchaste even involved. So at the wedding reception both he and she were being taken aside by their friends and told "Hey! You'll get what's what al...

I went to the optician

I said "you've got to help me. Everything looks absolutely awful". Optician replied " don't worry sir, you've got 2020 vision".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman uses his X-ray vision and sees Wonder Woman nude with her legs in the air

She's moaning and her hands sometimes--comfort her. Superman enjoys the view and, well,--comforts himself. He's ready to finish but figures he'll finish in Wonder Woman. He's faster than a speeding bullet, he's an alien so he can't impregnate her, and it's better to feel the sensation in a woman...

A man with vision problems...

A man and his family have had a long history of problems with their eyesight, most remedied by prescription glasses. He's in his forties now when he starts to lose the overall quality of his vision and starts going to various doctors.

He gets prescribed a pair of prescription glasses and to n...

Why was the first person to have their eyes genetically edited so pleased?

Well, who wouldn’t want CRISPR vision?

A Polish guy went to check his vision...

**Doctor asked** - *can you read any of those letters? read it for* me.

The eye test chart: C Z J W I N O S T A W C Z

**Polish guy** - *Oh god, I know that guy!!*

What is it called when you get shot in the eye and lose your vision?

Glockoma.

What did yoda tell the snowman when he found out he had tunnel vision?

All icy is you!

I legit thought of this joke when i was like 10 and im so proud i remembered it.

Why are potatoes better than your vision than carrots?

Because they start their life in an eye.

A man walks into the doctors...

He says “You gotta help me doc! I keep having precognitive visions!”
The doctor asks “When did this all start?”
“Two weeks from today”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got Lasik and now everything looks...

Like shit!

Doctor must have given me 2020 vision.

What do you call a doe with perfect vision?

A good eyed deer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

King Arthur's shortest Knight.

Once there was a man who wanted be a Knight of the Round table. He had all the qualifications, but he was under 3 feet tall. He journeyed to Camelot to gain audience with King Arthur.

When he appeared before the court, all the other knights made fun and heckled him mercilessly. He though...

We all knew 2020 is going to be a horrible year

We just expected it to be filled with 2020 visions jokes, rather than a deadly virus, locust swarms and murder hornets

"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision."

"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year...

I have 20/20 vision.

Happy holidays folks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

[Repost] carrots may be good for your eyes....

But whiskey will double your vision.

In hindsight it’s easy to see that 2012 wouldn’t be the end of the world.

The end of the world had 2020 vision.

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this

Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight

404 vision not found.

I woke up this morning and thought I had tunnel vision.

Luckily it was a false alarm, the wife just fancied a 69.

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