In the year 2020 we will have alot of puns about vision

but at least we saw it coming

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

I hate when people ask me what I’ll be doing in one year, come on guys I don’t have 2020 vision.

I’m sorry but I had to

I had a vision about next year...

It was pretty clear

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Experts believe that having too much sex can cause double vision

Does Does
anyone anyone
believe believe
that that
crap? crap?

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A joke I made up that's funny only when you look back at it.

This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem",



The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?"



The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!"



"That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certai...

Got prescribed a new medicine for a minor condition a few weeks ago and the last few days every time I walk by an area with dirt or grass I zoom in a worm. Like (almost) every time--I don't know if it's some kind of weird worm bloom in my area or if I'm developing some kind of super vision

Should have read the side effects of the new medicine... it can cause bird vision.

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What's the difference between a sniper with bad vision, and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit

A man was getting surgery to treat his bad vision

Man: are you sure this is going to work?

Doctor: you'll see.

Dr. Geezer

An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.”

Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a ...

If I could have a superpower, it would be x-ray vision.

If I have one fault, it's never seeing things through.

Had to drive my girlfriend to the optometrist because she was having issues with her vision

Turns out she was seeing other people

Me at interview

Interviewer: Where do you se yourself in 32 days

Me: I dont know I dont have 2020 vision

Instead of singing Auld Lang Syne this New Year's

We should all sing "I Can See Clearly Now."

Because everyone will have 2020 vision.

A man with chronic vision problems...

A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked an...

At what elevation is your vision the best

See level

I know exactly what’s gonna happen next year

I have 20 20 vision!

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

Tonight a friend of mine asked me where do I see myself next year.

And I said, "I don't know bud, I don't have 2020 vision.

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

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Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

What did -i call 1 making fun of his vision?

4 i's.

Finally got round to booking my laser eye surgery for the 1st January

Can't wait to have 2020 vision.

Dave: What are you doing for New Years?

Me: I don’t know I don’t have 20/20 vision

To wear or not to wear single vision glasses

As a long time vision glasses user I just love it when people try to uplift my spirit saying :
"-OMG, you look so much better without wearing your glasses!...
To which I started to reply :
-Why thank you, indeed, you're looking so much better as well when I'm not wearing them "

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The baby without ears.

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the ba...

Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

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I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.

I think she saw me coming.

People keep saying this is the last year to make the “I don’t have 2020 vision” jokes when asked about next year

On New Years of 2021 when asked how my last year was, I’ll say *I’m not sure, I don’t have 2020 vision* the joke will live on

My new glasses are going to take 6 to 8 weeks to arrive.

I can't wait to have 2020 vision!

A psychic goes into an opticians to get his contact lenses replaced.

Upon learning his customers profession, the optician asks what next year has in hold for him.

The psychic replies "Alas, I cannot tell you"

The optician, who has had a terrible year up to this point, begs him for just a basic reading, even offering free contact lenses for a year.
...

I had premonition that next year, everyone would have perfect eyesight.

I guess that's what you call 2020 vision

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

A man who had recently lost his vision was charged with slander...

They said he was making blind accusations.

Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

What did yoda tell the snowman when he found out he had tunnel vision?

All icy is you!

I legit thought of this joke when i was like 10 and im so proud i remembered it.

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

Everyone. I got stuff from AMD.

My vision's getting hazy. I think I'm going blind.

I’m honestly sick and tired of people asking me what would i be doing in 139 days

like as if I have 2020 vision.

Why are potatoes better than your vision than carrots?

Because they start their life in an eye.

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A man walks into a church and sits in the confession booth. He says to the priest,

"forgive me father, for I have sinned. I was golfing yesterday and I cursed"

The priest asks, "Would you like to tell me about it?"

"Well," the guy says. "I was on the seventeenth hole, and I had just hit my best drive of the day. It was straight ahead, middle of the fairway, perfect ...

So, in "Infinity War"...

Doctor Strange is in battle with Thanos. He sees all the future scenarios that are possible. He lets Thanos get the infinity gauntlet, allowing the deaths of half the universe. He never tells anyone what exactly he saw. The other Avengers saw this as being an incredibly cruel decision to make.
...

What is it called when you get shot in the eye and lose your vision?

Glockoma.

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Superman uses his X-ray vision and sees Wonder Woman nude with her legs in the air

She's moaning and her hands sometimes--comfort her. Superman enjoys the view and, well,--comforts himself. He's ready to finish but figures he'll finish in Wonder Woman. He's faster than a speeding bullet, he's an alien so he can't impregnate her, and it's better to feel the sensation in a woman...

A man with vision problems...

A man and his family have had a long history of problems with their eyesight, most remedied by prescription glasses. He's in his forties now when he starts to lose the overall quality of his vision and starts going to various doctors.

He gets prescribed a pair of prescription glasses and to n...

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this

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The Farmer's New Addition

There once was a farmer who owned luscious pastures. He proudly looked over them everyday. He always took care of all of his animals.

Though one day he had brought in a new foal, a chestnut coloured one, that he thought was adorable.

He got him on the farm but the foal looked nervous ...

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

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NSFW Mehmet and the sultan long (on mobile, sorry for formatting)

One day the sultan was walking around his kingdom when he stumbled upon Mehmet, the local merchant. Surprised by the vision in front of him, Mehmet naked, bending in all directions and angles, with a loud and deep voice, the sultan roared!
-WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING, MEHMET???
-Well hello s...

What do u say to someone who asks where u see yourself in a year?

Sorry I don't have 20-20 vision

A Polish guy went to check his vision...

**Doctor asked** - *can you read any of those letters? read it for* me.

The eye test chart: C Z J W I N O S T A W C Z

**Polish guy** - *Oh god, I know that guy!!*

"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision."

"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"

As my mother got older, her vision got worse so her optometrist prescribed her progressive lenses...

Now she can't see race.

I have a special ability that allows me to see everything that happens next year.

I call it 2020 vision.

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Robin Hucking

I once knew a guy named Robin. Robin Hucking. Yes, Robin. He hated his name. Everyone called him Hucking, or Huck.



Great guy. Best friend I ever had. Right up to the day he died.



Hucking did have one problem. He was a high rise construction worker with a bad case of acr...

[Long] Rabbi Goldman, World Traveller, comes to a lovely island in the South Pacific.

It's a beautiful place, lush and vibrant, and it's home to a tribe called the Trids. Goldman makes a good impression on them, and they're a very welcoming people already, so it' s not long before they're having a nice cookout to welcome him.

While they're eating, Rabbi Goldman looks inland, a...

I made one up.

Guy goes to the Doctors

"I have this problem.. I keep seeing cream cakes in the corner of my eye! I look and there's nothing there! Wtf is going on?!"

"Nothing to worry about" Doc replies

"It's just your profiterole vision"

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BREAKING NEWS!!!!

A woman is in the process of suing one of the country's leading hospitals, stating that following treatment her husband has lost all interest in sex with her.
The hospital concerned in their defence stated: "We merely rectified his vision."

A 50 year old guy goes to a surgeon to make himself look younger

The surgeon completes the surgery and it is a success.

"How do I look?" the man asks.

"You look 30 years young!" the surgeon replies.

The next day, the man goes to the gas station to fuel up and asks the cashier:

"Excuse me sir, how old do I look?"

The cashier resp...

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

Did you hear about the elderly seamstress with poor vision?

She doesn't mend straight anymore.

What do Daredevil and Scarlet Which have in common?

They both lost their vision

Arthur is 90 years old, and played golf every day since he went into retirement....

So one day Arthur, who is 90 years old, comes home to his 93 year old wife exasperated. "That was the last straw" he says, "I'm stopping with golf because my eyesight is so bad that whenever I hit the ball I have no idea where it lands, and I lose it!".

His wife makes him a cup of coffee. Whi...

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog.

I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".

When an Irishman is so drunk that his vision is out of whack...

...he is said to be doublin' Ireland

What's it called when you see desserts out of the corner of your eye?

Profiterole vision

I woke up this morning and thought I had tunnel vision.

Luckily it was a false alarm, the wife just fancied a 69.

A man from Ireland got into a terrible car crash and his eye was dislodged from his socket. Miraculously the surgeons were able to place it back in and he had no lost of vision.

Guess you could say he had "the luck of the Iris"

A tale of Middle Earth

In the land of Gondor there lived one of the most renowned gardeners in all of Middle Earth.


All the various people would come to Master Kizal for healing herbs that could be found nowhere except his gardens. The Elves would come to him for rare tree saplings and advice on how to care f...

Next year, I'm going to get lasik eye surgery...

I'm really looking forward to 2020 vision.

Let me know what you think of my 2nd attempt!

A young boy decided that he wanted to become a beekeeper when he grew up. When he told his parents this they decided it would be a great chance to teach him responsibility and give him a chance to earn his own spending money. So they bought him a small colony of bees and the tools he would need to t...

It's half a year left before all the optometrists go out of business!

Because everyone will have 2020 vision!

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny’s next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid their son would have a wise c...

I was being interviewed for a job the other day. One of the questions was 'Where do you see your self 12 months from now?'.

I said 'I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision'.

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

I have an amazing gardener who's both vision impaired and dyslexic.

His work is Mind BLowing

A guy is out bow hunting...

... and while he's peeking out from behind a bush, he feels a giant paw on his shoulder.

It's a bear who says, "I won't kill you if you get on your knees and blow me right now."

The hunter is terrified so what could he do? He gives the bear head.

He feels humiliated and very an...

What do you call a horse that has very good vision underwater?

A seehorse.

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