UPJOKE
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I did some acid before I took my vision exam.

It went great, I passed with flying colors.

A man has a vision of God

God says to the man "You may ask three questions of me."

The man thinks hard, and says "God, the universe is so old...how do you keep track of it?"

God says "My child, to me a million years is only one second."

The man thinks again, and says "God, why do so many rich people forg...

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How does Vision achieve orgasm?

Wanda Jaximoff

There are hints my grandfather is suffering from declining vision. I heard he was walking along the side of the road and walked right into a fixed object.

It might be a sign.

what do you call a lady who lost her vision multiple times but still isn't blind?

#Wanda Maximoff

Even at school they thought I had special powers; what was the phrase…

‘Constant super-vision.’

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s disc...

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In 2019 I had 20/20 vision.

It was shit.

I wish my vision was as good as it was 2 years ago...

I guess hindsight is 2020

One night I had a vision that I was on stage with REM performing “Losing My Religion”

But that was just a dream. Just a dream…

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Space Tourism

One of the car hire companies was looking at diversification, to be able to better cope in the next pandemic.

They started getting interested in the space tourism market, currently dominated by companies such as Blue Origin, Virgin Galactic and SpaceX. They needed a hook to make them stand o...

A plumber went to the doctor

He said "Doctor, every time I try to sleep I close my eyes and see visions of PVC, copper, steel and corncob. Am I going mad?!"

The doctor replied "Relax. You're just having pipe dreams."

I thought 2020 would have a lot of jokes about vision

in hindsight with everything going on that was the last of their priorities

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

Retirement Home

A woman moves to a retirement home. Her sons each decide to give her a nice gift as a token of their gratitude.

“I will buy a Ferrari for mom,” the oldest says, “at least half a million dollars worth, so she can enjoy a nice drive.”

“I'll buy her a luxurious villa with a downstairs sle...

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Young (who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
about medicine) thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000
so he went to Dr. Geeze...

Why did the kid with thick glasses go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted to get adult super vision.

Little Johnny’s neighbour

Little Johnny's neighbour just had a baby. Sadly, the baby was born without any ears. When the mum and baby came back home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a chat with him and explained how the baby had no ...

Why doesn’t Batman have super vision?

Cause his Parents died

When someone calls me ugly, I get sad and hug them

I know life can be difficult for those with weak vision.

A woman is in hospital having an operation when she has a vision of God. She asks God how long she has left to live, and God tells her she has 30 years left.

Upon waking from surgery, the woman considers the next 30 years, and decides to make some changes. So she books herself a tummy tuck, face lift, liposuction, fillers etc. You name it, she had it done.

After being released from hospital, and feeling glamorous, the woman sashays across the road...

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To all the people with 2020 vision.

What the **fuck**?! Why didn't you tell us?

Pill commercials nowadays be like

“After just one use, derpatine fixed my knee pain and I can run again!”

“Consult a doctor if you’re experiencing any headaches, nausea, muscle pain, blurry vision, nasal congestion, loss of sight, kidney failure, hernia, heart attacks, strokes or knee pain after using derpatine”

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What's the difference between a sniper with bad vision, and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit

In 2020 we're going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision

I can see it clearly.

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How does Scarlett Witch relieve Vision’s sexual tension?

Wanda Wacks-him-off.

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A grumpy old lady goes up to her husband and starts throwing a tantrum.

Wife: “I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is wrinkled skin, saggy boobs and a sad body. Please give me some kind of compliment to make me feel good!”

Husband: “Sounds like you still have perfect vision”

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This is for everyone who has 20 20 vision

Why the FUCK didn’t any of y’all warn us about corona

With all the jokes about having 2020 vision over the past couple of years.

I bet no one could see this coming.

Did you know that Vision gets mad whenever Wanda tries to give him a lap dance?

She really grinds his gears.

What's the difference between Daredevil and Scarlet Witch?

One knows how to cope without Vision.

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If 2020 is perfect vision, how come no one saw this shit coming?

You need to wait until 2021. Hindsight is 2020.

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i was just reading the obituary of a carmelite nun who turned away from a life of prostitution after seeing a vision of the virgin mary.

she went out with a wimple and not a bang.

A man struggles to not use Train metaphors

"No more!" he swore to himself. "Today's the day I finally change my one-track mind! Oh. Ok, I'll let that one go, but no more!"

He entered the meeting. Several minutes passed.

"Everyone let's try not to get off track." **Damnit! I did it again. That's the last one!**

"What I me...

Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them.

The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure hi...

Had to drive my girlfriend to the optometrist because she was having issues with her vision

Turns out she was seeing other people

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

A man was getting surgery to treat his bad vision

Man: are you sure this is going to work?

Doctor: you'll see.

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I was on a date with this girl, staring into her eyes and my legs went a little weak, my vision went a little hazy lighting up her face

And I thought to myself, shit, I spiked the wrong drink

Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes

I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself

Do you remember all those jokes made last year about having 2020 vision?

Well, you know what they say about hindsight.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

First night and the instructor says "Right guys. First night out in the woods! Your first test is to go catch your dinner. I want each team to go out and catch a...

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An American redneck man wakes up to beaming lights blinding his vision for a moment as his vision comes into focus...

He see's standing above him 3 alien like creatures hovering over him while one pokes him with a sharp object. He screams out in pain and says, "Why the hell did you do that!?" The alien apologizes in perfect English taking the man by surprise. He then proceeds to ask, "Are you gonna do that thing wh...

A man with chronic vision problems...

A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked an...

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I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.

I think she saw me coming.

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Experts believe that having too much sex can cause double vision

Does Does
anyone anyone
believe believe
that that
crap? crap?

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Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

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[TIL] Almost 99% of the world do not have 20/20 vision.

Cause we obviously didnt see this fucking year coming.

The only superpower Asian kids have is super vision.

Commonly known as "being under constant adult supervision"

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remember when jokes like this were funny... before smartphones?

A chap walks into a pub carrying two suitcases. He puts them down and orders a drink. As he pays the barman notices that he is wearing a large watch.

'That's a large watch' says the barman (see I told you!)

'This watch,' says the man, 'is the very latest in high tech gadgetry. It'll te...

A man goes to his friend for a free eye-test...

On the first visit he tells him:


"My eyesight has been blurry recently and my eyes are getting more painful"


"Don't worry, it's probably nothing. It'll get better on its own," says the friend, without examining him.


On the second visit he tells his friend his v...

If I got a dollar for every 2020 vision joke I‘ve read today, I’d still be poor.

I don‘t sort by new.

Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

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Superman uses his X-ray vision and sees Wonder Woman nude with her legs in the air

She's moaning and her hands sometimes--comfort her. Superman enjoys the view and, well,--comforts himself. He's ready to finish but figures he'll finish in Wonder Woman. He's faster than a speeding bullet, he's an alien so he can't impregnate her, and it's better to feel the sensation in a woman...

If I could have a superpower, it would be x-ray vision.

If I have one fault, it's never seeing things through.

Why can't blind people regain their vision?

Because they can't see the eye doctor

There was a building with 4 apartments

In the first apartment was a boxer named Sean. In the second apartment was a soccer player named Andres. In the third was a blind man named Ian, and in the 4th apartment was a beautiful woman named Elizabeth. One day, Elizabeth decided to take a shower. She got in the shower then heard the doorbell ...

What did the Australian say to the bug with great vision?

Good eye, mite

I had a vision about next year...

It was pretty clear

What did -i call 1 making fun of his vision?

4 i's.

A man with vision problems...

A man and his family have had a long history of problems with their eyesight, most remedied by prescription glasses. He's in his forties now when he starts to lose the overall quality of his vision and starts going to various doctors.

He gets prescribed a pair of prescription glasses and to n...

I have an amazing gardener who's both vision impaired and dyslexic.

His work is Mind BLowing

A man, his sheep and his Vet girlfriend…

Farmer Sam is tending to his flock and notices one of his sheep is bumping into things in a clumsy manner.

He inspects the sheep and can’t find any reasonable explanation for the sudden lack of coordination.

Fortunately, Farmer Sam has recently started dating Veronica, who happens to...

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm worried about my vision! I'm seeing spots in front of my eyes."

The doctor asks, "Have you seen an opthalmologist yet?"

The guy says, "No, just the spots."

What do you call a Queen's vision?

Her Highness

A Polish guy went to check his vision...

**Doctor asked** - *can you read any of those letters? read it for* me.

The eye test chart: C Z J W I N O S T A W C Z

**Polish guy** - *Oh god, I know that guy!!*

Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

What is it called when you get shot in the eye and lose your vision?

Glockoma.

People keep saying this is the last year to make the “I don’t have 2020 vision” jokes when asked about next year

On New Years of 2021 when asked how my last year was, I’ll say *I’m not sure, I don’t have 2020 vision* the joke will live on

What did yoda tell the snowman when he found out he had tunnel vision?

All icy is you!

I legit thought of this joke when i was like 10 and im so proud i remembered it.

"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision."

"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"

What do you call a doe with perfect vision?

A good eyed deer.

To wear or not to wear single vision glasses

As a long time vision glasses user I just love it when people try to uplift my spirit saying :
"-OMG, you look so much better without wearing your glasses!...
To which I started to reply :
-Why thank you, indeed, you're looking so much better as well when I'm not wearing them "

Did you hear about the elderly seamstress with poor vision?

She doesn't mend straight anymore.

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Jack and Jill go up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack falls down and breaks his crown and Jill comes tumbling after.

Jill feels physically fine but is not able to see clearly. She decides to go to the optometrist nearby to get her eyes checked. She tells the optometrist about her blurred vision and the optometrist makes her sit in a chair and asks her to read the letters on the eye chart hanging on the wall across...

Why are potatoes better than your vision than carrots?

Because they start their life in an eye.

I hate it when people ask me what the beginning of the pandemic was like.

I don't have 2020 vision.

The master and the butler.

Master: go outside and see if it's cloudy.
Butler after going outside and coming back:I couldn't know if it's cloudy because the rain obscured my vision.

The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog.

I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".

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A software engineer.

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this

Opening a laser eye clinic. Going to name it CircumVision...

SEE what I did there?

I woke up this morning and thought I had tunnel vision.

Luckily it was a false alarm, the wife just fancied a 69.

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