My eye doctor just told me my eyesight is so perfect I can see into next year!

He called it “2020 Vision.”

I can't believe people expect me to know what I will be doing next month

Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision!

I hate when people ask me what I’ll be doing in one year, come on guys I don’t have 2020 vision.

I’m sorry but I had to

Instead of singing Auld Lang Syne this New Year's

We should all sing "I Can See Clearly Now."

Because everyone will have 2020 vision.

They say carrots are good for your health.

But booze can double your vision.

I know exactly what’s gonna happen next year

I have 20 20 vision!

Dr. Geezer

An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.”

Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a ...

Me at interview

Interviewer: Where do you se yourself in 32 days

Me: I dont know I dont have 2020 vision

My new glasses are going to take 6 to 8 weeks to arrive.

I can't wait to have 2020 vision!

Somebody asked me "where do you see yourself in 2 months?"

I said "i dont know, i dont have 2020 vision"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke I made up that's funny only when you look back at it.

This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem",



The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?"



The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!"



"That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certai...

A psychic goes into an opticians to get his contact lenses replaced.

Upon learning his customers profession, the optician asks what next year has in hold for him.

The psychic replies "Alas, I cannot tell you"

The optician, who has had a terrible year up to this point, begs him for just a basic reading, even offering free contact lenses for a year.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Experts believe that having too much sex can cause double vision

Does Does
anyone anyone
believe believe
that that
crap? crap?

If I could have a superpower, it would be x-ray vision.

If I have one fault, it's never seeing things through.

Everyone. I got stuff from AMD.

My vision's getting hazy. I think I'm going blind.

So, in "Infinity War"...

Doctor Strange is in battle with Thanos. He sees all the future scenarios that are possible. He lets Thanos get the infinity gauntlet, allowing the deaths of half the universe. He never tells anyone what exactly he saw. The other Avengers saw this as being an incredibly cruel decision to make.
...

Finally got round to booking my laser eye surgery for the 1st January

Can't wait to have 2020 vision.

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Farmer's New Addition

There once was a farmer who owned luscious pastures. He proudly looked over them everyday. He always took care of all of his animals.

Though one day he had brought in a new foal, a chestnut coloured one, that he thought was adorable.

He got him on the farm but the foal looked nervous ...

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The baby without ears.

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the ba...

I’m honestly sick and tired of people asking me what would i be doing in 139 days

like as if I have 2020 vision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Mehmet and the sultan long (on mobile, sorry for formatting)

One day the sultan was walking around his kingdom when he stumbled upon Mehmet, the local merchant. Surprised by the vision in front of him, Mehmet naked, bending in all directions and angles, with a loud and deep voice, the sultan roared!
-WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING, MEHMET???
-Well hello s...

A man was getting surgery to treat his bad vision

Man: are you sure this is going to work?

Doctor: you'll see.

I have a special ability that allows me to see everything that happens next year.

I call it 2020 vision.

A man from Ireland got into a terrible car crash and his eye was dislodged from his socket. Miraculously the surgeons were able to place it back in and he had no lost of vision.

Guess you could say he had "the luck of the Iris"

To wear or not to wear single vision glasses

As a long time vision glasses user I just love it when people try to uplift my spirit saying :
"-OMG, you look so much better without wearing your glasses!...
To which I started to reply :
-Why thank you, indeed, you're looking so much better as well when I'm not wearing them "

Got prescribed a new medicine for a minor condition a few weeks ago and the last few days every time I walk by an area with dirt or grass I zoom in a worm. Like (almost) every time--I don't know if it's some kind of weird worm bloom in my area or if I'm developing some kind of super vision

Should have read the side effects of the new medicine... it can cause bird vision.

What do u say to someone who asks where u see yourself in a year?

Sorry I don't have 20-20 vision

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

A woman is in the process of suing one of the country's leading hospitals, stating that following treatment her husband has lost all interest in sex with her.
The hospital concerned in their defence stated: "We merely rectified his vision."

I made one up.

Guy goes to the Doctors

"I have this problem.. I keep seeing cream cakes in the corner of my eye! I look and there's nothing there! Wtf is going on?!"

"Nothing to worry about" Doc replies

"It's just your profiterole vision"

Arthur is 90 years old, and played golf every day since he went into retirement....

So one day Arthur, who is 90 years old, comes home to his 93 year old wife exasperated. "That was the last straw" he says, "I'm stopping with golf because my eyesight is so bad that whenever I hit the ball I have no idea where it lands, and I lose it!".

His wife makes him a cup of coffee. Whi...

I was being interviewed for a job the other day. One of the questions was 'Where do you see your self 12 months from now?'.

I said 'I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision'.

A 50 year old guy goes to a surgeon to make himself look younger

The surgeon completes the surgery and it is a success.

"How do I look?" the man asks.

"You look 30 years young!" the surgeon replies.

The next day, the man goes to the gas station to fuel up and asks the cashier:

"Excuse me sir, how old do I look?"

The cashier resp...

A tale of Middle Earth

In the land of Gondor there lived one of the most renowned gardeners in all of Middle Earth.


All the various people would come to Master Kizal for healing herbs that could be found nowhere except his gardens. The Elves would come to him for rare tree saplings and advice on how to care f...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

Let me know what you think of my 2nd attempt!

A young boy decided that he wanted to become a beekeeper when he grew up. When he told his parents this they decided it would be a great chance to teach him responsibility and give him a chance to earn his own spending money. So they bought him a small colony of bees and the tools he would need to t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny

Little Johnny’s next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid their son would have a wise c...

I have an amazing gardener who's both vision impaired and dyslexic.

His work is Mind BLowing

What do you call a horse that has very good vision underwater?

A seehorse.

perfect vision

Whenever someone asks me what I plan on doing in five years I always get frustrated.
Like c'mon guys I don't have 2020 vision.

Extraordinary eyes

My eyes are so good I can see exactly 1 year into the future

I guess I have 2020 vision

So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...

when do I get my adult supervision?

Next year, I'm going to get lasik eye surgery...

I'm really looking forward to 2020 vision.

A guy is out bow hunting...

... and while he's peeking out from behind a bush, he feels a giant paw on his shoulder.

It's a bear who says, "I won't kill you if you get on your knees and blow me right now."

The hunter is terrified so what could he do? He gives the bear head.

He feels humiliated and very an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which one is the most durable? The hulkbuster?

No.

Rhodes' armor?

No

Visions stone?

No.

Captain America's shield?

No.

Thor's hammer?

No.

Iron Man's suit?

No.

It's the incredible Hulk's fucking incredible pants.

A wise man once said that for a man to be happy, he must:

1. Find a woman who cooks well and knows how to keep the house neat and tidy.
2. Be able to exchange conversation with a woman that is at the same level as he is, intellectually speaking.
3. Be satisfied with his partner in bed.
4. Find someone who shares his dreams, visions triumphs a...

A bus driver is on court for murdering 31 people

A bus driver is on court and being judged for running over 31 people with a bus. The judge asks the driver to explain what has happened from his vision and the following is his response.


Driver: I was driving the bus casually as I do every shift. I was going on the same route when I start...

I had a guy tell me Happy New Year but he said "see you in 2020."

Either he had the year wrong, or he made a comment on his fantastic vision.

How do you know carrots improve your vision?

Cause you've never seen any bunnies with glasses

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