A priest, a doctor, and an engineer play golf.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are out playing a round of golf. Partway through their game, they realize that the group in front is taking forever to move through the course. Frustrated, they ask the groundskeeper what's going on. The groundskeeper, visibly emotional, says:

"Well, I'm af...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s disc...

I thought 2020 would have a lot of jokes about vision

in hindsight with everything going on that was the last of their priorities

Why doesn’t Batman have super vision?

Cause his Parents died

A woman is in hospital having an operation when she has a vision of God. She asks God how long she has left to live, and God tells her she has 30 years left.

Upon waking from surgery, the woman considers the next 30 years, and decides to make some changes. So she books herself a tummy tuck, face lift, liposuction, fillers etc. You name it, she had it done.

After being released from hospital, and feeling glamorous, the woman sashays across the road...

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How does Scarlett Witch relieve Vision’s sexual tension?

Wanda Wacks-him-off.

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

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Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s m...

No one is making 2020 vision jokes anymore.

I guess they just lost sight of it.

Did you know that Vision gets mad whenever Wanda tries to give him a lap dance?

She really grinds his gears.

Who are two super heroes that lost their Vision?

Daredevil and Wanda



My ten year old son got my husband and me.

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i was just reading the obituary of a carmelite nun who turned away from a life of prostitution after seeing a vision of the virgin mary.

she went out with a wimple and not a bang.

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An American redneck man wakes up to beaming lights blinding his vision for a moment as his vision comes into focus...

He see's standing above him 3 alien like creatures hovering over him while one pokes him with a sharp object. He screams out in pain and says, "Why the hell did you do that!?" The alien apologizes in perfect English taking the man by surprise. He then proceeds to ask, "Are you gonna do that thing wh...

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This is for everyone who has 20 20 vision

Why the FUCK didn’t any of y’all warn us about corona

Do you remember all those jokes made last year about having 2020 vision?

Well, you know what they say about hindsight.

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulatio...

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Boss of the Body

The different parts of the body were arguing about who should be the Boss of the body.

The brain said "I do all of the thinking and Strategies , I should be the boss"

The Eyes said "I provide vision and allow us to see what is going on"

The legs said "I provide mobility and Tran...

Two miners got trapped in a dark tunnel after a mine collapse, blocking their way in, and cutting off the power and lights.

One miner remained calm. He knew that there was other exits from the mine, but in the complete darkness, he had no way to navigate. He remained trapped.

The other miner started panicking. It was so dark, he had a wife and kids at home, he didn’t want to die like this. He was hyperventilating....

An eye-rolling joke

Dad: You know who all I saw today?

Daughter: Who?

Dad: Everybody I looked at

Daughter: Huh?!

Dad: You don't like my vision joke? Too bad, that's how eye-roll ** rolls eyes **

Daughter: I'm not laughing at your eye rolling jokes again

Dad: Why? Is it too "...

The sudden blurry vision, forgetfulness, and erratic behavior had me convinced I had brain cancer.

Neurologist said it was all in my head.

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If 2020 is perfect vision, how come no one saw this shit coming?

You need to wait until 2021. Hindsight is 2020.

I hate is when people ask me how I saw myself last year.

C'mon guys I don't have 2020 vision.

With all the jokes about having 2020 vision over the past couple of years.

I bet no one could see this coming.

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I wish -

### A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.


“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.


The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.


“How mu...

In 2020 we're going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision

I can see it clearly.

People always say "why weren't we able to predict a disaster as big as the coronavirus?"

But not everyone has 2020 vision.

What is Wanda Maximoff's favorite subject?

Division.

The only superpower Asian kids have is super vision.

Commonly known as "being under constant adult supervision"

A friend of mine went to take the vaccine for covid yesterday

After getting vaccinated, his vision was blurred and when he reached home, he called the hospital that gave him the vaccine for advice asking if he should be hospitalized.

The hospital told him to come back and collect his glasses

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I was on a date with this girl, staring into her eyes and my legs went a little weak, my vision went a little hazy lighting up her face

And I thought to myself, shit, I spiked the wrong drink

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[TIL] Almost 99% of the world do not have 20/20 vision.

Cause we obviously didnt see this fucking year coming.

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What's the difference between a sniper with bad vision, and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit

Why can't blind people regain their vision?

Because they can't see the eye doctor

What's the same about Wanda and Daredevil

They both lost their vision

Tired of job interviews asking me how I overcame difficulties throughout the previous year

I don’t have 2020 vision

This year showed us that nobody had 20 20 vision

Because no one saw this coming.

A joke my dad just sent me about vaccinations

Hi, it happened yesterday! And this is serious!

A friend had his 2nd injection of the vaccine at the vaccination center and began to have blurred vision the whole way home.

When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hos...

What do Scarlet Witch and Daredevil both have in common?

They both wear red and lost their Vision.

A man was getting surgery to treat his bad vision

Man: are you sure this is going to work?

Doctor: you'll see.

Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes

I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself

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An engineer, after being unemployed for a long time, decided to open his own hospital.

At the front, he put up a sign: “We can cure any disease with just $500! If we fail, we’ll give you back $1000.”

One doctor, thinking that this was an easy grab, visited the hospital right away.


Doctor: “I lost my taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please give 3 drops of medicine #22...

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm worried about my vision! I'm seeing spots in front of my eyes."

The doctor asks, "Have you seen an opthalmologist yet?"

The guy says, "No, just the spots."

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There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

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A guy walks into a bar

He has his dog with him. It's an ugly little yellow dog. He sits down at the bar next to a Marine.

The Marine has his dog with him. It's a German Shepherd, and it bristles at the ugly little yellow dog.

The Marine says "Son, you need to get your ugly little yellow dog out of here, or m...

What do you call a Queen's vision?

Her Highness

If I got a dollar for every 2020 vision joke I‘ve read today, I’d still be poor.

I don‘t sort by new.

Had to drive my girlfriend to the optometrist because she was having issues with her vision

Turns out she was seeing other people

What did the Australian say to the bug with great vision?

Good eye, mite

A man with chronic vision problems...

A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked an...

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Experts believe that having too much sex can cause double vision

Does Does
anyone anyone
believe believe
that that
crap? crap?

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

If I could have a superpower, it would be x-ray vision.

If I have one fault, it's never seeing things through.

Next year I will have a clearer vision for my future

It's gonna be 20/20.

At what elevation is your vision the best

See level

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Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

I can only see Jane's Addiction videos on YouTube if I stare straight at them

I must've lost my PerryFerrell vision

If I had a dollar for every report a 2020 vision joke received in the past few weeks

I'd have enough money to pay for LASIK to fix my vision. Thankfully, I won't need to, as I'll have 2020 vision come Wednesday.

It's important to remember to cross your Ts and dot your Is

because if you dot your Ts, you'll be left with double vision.

I had a vision about next year...

It was pretty clear

A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.

The Optician asked him what he can see.
"I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs."
That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!

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I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.

I think she saw me coming.

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Superman uses his X-ray vision and sees Wonder Woman nude with her legs in the air

She's moaning and her hands sometimes--comfort her. Superman enjoys the view and, well,--comforts himself. He's ready to finish but figures he'll finish in Wonder Woman. He's faster than a speeding bullet, he's an alien so he can't impregnate her, and it's better to feel the sensation in a woman...

A man who had recently lost his vision was charged with slander...

They said he was making blind accusations.

Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

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Problem solving

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

What did -i call 1 making fun of his vision?

4 i's.

A man with vision problems...

A man and his family have had a long history of problems with their eyesight, most remedied by prescription glasses. He's in his forties now when he starts to lose the overall quality of his vision and starts going to various doctors.

He gets prescribed a pair of prescription glasses and to n...

To wear or not to wear single vision glasses

As a long time vision glasses user I just love it when people try to uplift my spirit saying :
"-OMG, you look so much better without wearing your glasses!...
To which I started to reply :
-Why thank you, indeed, you're looking so much better as well when I'm not wearing them "

A Polish guy went to check his vision...

**Doctor asked** - *can you read any of those letters? read it for* me.

The eye test chart: C Z J W I N O S T A W C Z

**Polish guy** - *Oh god, I know that guy!!*

Two Men Are Lying in Hospital Beds

One with his leg in a large cast the other with a bandage on his head and his arm in a a sling

They get talking and the first man asks the second how he ending up in hospital

“Well” says the second “it’s a long story. I came home from work to find my wife in bed with another man, the ...

People keep saying this is the last year to make the “I don’t have 2020 vision” jokes when asked about next year

On New Years of 2021 when asked how my last year was, I’ll say *I’m not sure, I don’t have 2020 vision* the joke will live on

What is it called when you get shot in the eye and lose your vision?

Glockoma.

A woman moves to a retirement home

A woman moves to a retirement home. Her sons each decide to give her a nice gift as a token of their gratitude.
- I will buy a Ferrari for mom, the oldest says, at least half a million dollars worth, so she can enjoy a nice drive.
- I'll buy her a luxurious villa with a downstairs sleep- and b...

Why did Clark Kent never have a babysitter?

Because he had super vision.

What did yoda tell the snowman when he found out he had tunnel vision?

All icy is you!

I legit thought of this joke when i was like 10 and im so proud i remembered it.

Why are potatoes better than your vision than carrots?

Because they start their life in an eye.

Why wasn't Wanda making future plans?

She had no Vision.

Did you hear about the elderly seamstress with poor vision?

She doesn't mend straight anymore.

Right at midnight on New Years Eve im gonna shut my eyes and never open them again

That way my vision will always stay 2020

"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision."

"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"

So I went to my optician because I noticed things were looking strange...

I told them I've been seeing lots of empty shelves and empty stadiums.

They said don't worry, you just have 2020 vision.

A Man walks into an optometrist shop

He says," I think my vision is a little blurry, I may need glasses"

"Oh you need glasses for sure"

The man is perplexed," how can you be so sure without testing,?"

"Oh, I am sure, because this is the bank"

When I predicted this pandemic ahead of time everyone but my optician said I was nuts.

He told me I have 2020 vision!

I have an amazing gardener who's both vision impaired and dyslexic.

His work is Mind BLowing

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this

The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog.

I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".

Johnny was looking out the window, straining his eyes...

trying to read a billboard a half mile away. When his friend asked him what he was doing, Johnny said, "my mom says I can only go out and play if I have super vision".

I woke up this morning and thought I had tunnel vision.

Luckily it was a false alarm, the wife just fancied a 69.

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