UPJOKE
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I did some acid before I took my vision exam.

It went great, I passed with flying colors.

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In 2019 I had 20/20 vision.

It was shit.

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s disc...

One night I had a vision that I was on stage with REM performing “Losing My Religion”

But that was just a dream. Just a dream…

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

First night and the instructor says "Right guys. First night out in the woods! Your first test is to go catch your dinner. I want each team to go out and catch a...

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

I thought 2020 would have a lot of jokes about vision

in hindsight with everything going on that was the last of their priorities

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remember when jokes like this were funny... before smartphones?

A chap walks into a pub carrying two suitcases. He puts them down and orders a drink. As he pays the barman notices that he is wearing a large watch.

'That's a large watch' says the barman (see I told you!)

'This watch,' says the man, 'is the very latest in high tech gadgetry. It'll te...

What's the difference between Daredevil and Scarlet Witch?

One knows how to cope without Vision.

Why doesn’t Batman have super vision?

Cause his Parents died

There was a building with 4 apartments

In the first apartment was a boxer named Sean. In the second apartment was a soccer player named Andres. In the third was a blind man named Ian, and in the 4th apartment was a beautiful woman named Elizabeth. One day, Elizabeth decided to take a shower. She got in the shower then heard the doorbell ...

A woman is in hospital having an operation when she has a vision of God. She asks God how long she has left to live, and God tells her she has 30 years left.

Upon waking from surgery, the woman considers the next 30 years, and decides to make some changes. So she books herself a tummy tuck, face lift, liposuction, fillers etc. You name it, she had it done.

After being released from hospital, and feeling glamorous, the woman sashays across the road...

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How does Scarlett Witch relieve Vision’s sexual tension?

Wanda Wacks-him-off.

Did you know that Vision gets mad whenever Wanda tries to give him a lap dance?

She really grinds his gears.

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To all the people with 2020 vision.

What the **fuck**?! Why didn't you tell us?

No one is making 2020 vision jokes anymore.

I guess they just lost sight of it.

In 2020 we're going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision

I can see it clearly.

What does Wanda and Daredevil have in common?

They both lost their Vision.

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What's the difference between a sniper with bad vision, and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit

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i was just reading the obituary of a carmelite nun who turned away from a life of prostitution after seeing a vision of the virgin mary.

she went out with a wimple and not a bang.

Who are two super heroes that lost their Vision?

Daredevil and Wanda



My ten year old son got my husband and me.

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This is for everyone who has 20 20 vision

Why the FUCK didn’t any of y’all warn us about corona

A man, his sheep and his Vet girlfriend…

Farmer Sam is tending to his flock and notices one of his sheep is bumping into things in a clumsy manner.

He inspects the sheep and can’t find any reasonable explanation for the sudden lack of coordination.

Fortunately, Farmer Sam has recently started dating Veronica, who happens to...

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Jack and Jill go up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack falls down and breaks his crown and Jill comes tumbling after.

Jill feels physically fine but is not able to see clearly. She decides to go to the optometrist nearby to get her eyes checked. She tells the optometrist about her blurred vision and the optometrist makes her sit in a chair and asks her to read the letters on the eye chart hanging on the wall across...

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If 2020 is perfect vision, how come no one saw this shit coming?

You need to wait until 2021. Hindsight is 2020.

The master and the butler.

Master: go outside and see if it's cloudy.
Butler after going outside and coming back:I couldn't know if it's cloudy because the rain obscured my vision.

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Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. So when the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.


Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad als...

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An American redneck man wakes up to beaming lights blinding his vision for a moment as his vision comes into focus...

He see's standing above him 3 alien like creatures hovering over him while one pokes him with a sharp object. He screams out in pain and says, "Why the hell did you do that!?" The alien apologizes in perfect English taking the man by surprise. He then proceeds to ask, "Are you gonna do that thing wh...

With all the jokes about having 2020 vision over the past couple of years.

I bet no one could see this coming.

Had to drive my girlfriend to the optometrist because she was having issues with her vision

Turns out she was seeing other people

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I was on a date with this girl, staring into her eyes and my legs went a little weak, my vision went a little hazy lighting up her face

And I thought to myself, shit, I spiked the wrong drink

Do you remember all those jokes made last year about having 2020 vision?

Well, you know what they say about hindsight.

The sudden blurry vision, forgetfulness, and erratic behavior had me convinced I had brain cancer.

Neurologist said it was all in my head.

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A software engineer.

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

This year showed us that nobody had 20 20 vision

Because no one saw this coming.

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

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Experts believe that having too much sex can cause double vision

Does Does
anyone anyone
believe believe
that that
crap? crap?

A man was getting surgery to treat his bad vision

Man: are you sure this is going to work?

Doctor: you'll see.

Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes

I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself

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[TIL] Almost 99% of the world do not have 20/20 vision.

Cause we obviously didnt see this fucking year coming.

Why can't blind people regain their vision?

Because they can't see the eye doctor

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Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

A man with chronic vision problems...

A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked an...

If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?

Tunnel Vision

If I got a dollar for every 2020 vision joke I‘ve read today, I’d still be poor.

I don‘t sort by new.

I hate it when people ask me what the beginning of the pandemic was like.

I don't have 2020 vision.

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I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.

I think she saw me coming.

If I could have a superpower, it would be x-ray vision.

If I have one fault, it's never seeing things through.

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Superman uses his X-ray vision and sees Wonder Woman nude with her legs in the air

She's moaning and her hands sometimes--comfort her. Superman enjoys the view and, well,--comforts himself. He's ready to finish but figures he'll finish in Wonder Woman. He's faster than a speeding bullet, he's an alien so he can't impregnate her, and it's better to feel the sensation in a woman...

Next year I will have a clearer vision for my future

It's gonna be 20/20.

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulatio...

What do you call a Queen's vision?

Her Highness

What did the Australian say to the bug with great vision?

Good eye, mite

Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

If I had a dollar for every report a 2020 vision joke received in the past few weeks

I'd have enough money to pay for LASIK to fix my vision. Thankfully, I won't need to, as I'll have 2020 vision come Wednesday.

I had a vision about next year...

It was pretty clear

What did -i call 1 making fun of his vision?

4 i's.

Man goes for an interview and there are two others already there when he arrives.

First guy gets called in and the interviewer says “tell me something you notice about me”. He replies “uh, you haven’t got any ears”. GET OUT!! the interviewer screams. NEXT!

Next guy goes in and the question is repeated: “tell me something you notice about me”. He also replies “uh, you haven...

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm worried about my vision! I'm seeing spots in front of my eyes."

The doctor asks, "Have you seen an opthalmologist yet?"

The guy says, "No, just the spots."

A Polish guy went to check his vision...

**Doctor asked** - *can you read any of those letters? read it for* me.

The eye test chart: C Z J W I N O S T A W C Z

**Polish guy** - *Oh god, I know that guy!!*

To wear or not to wear single vision glasses

As a long time vision glasses user I just love it when people try to uplift my spirit saying :
"-OMG, you look so much better without wearing your glasses!...
To which I started to reply :
-Why thank you, indeed, you're looking so much better as well when I'm not wearing them "

Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

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I wish -

### A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.


“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.


The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.


“How mu...

What is it called when you get shot in the eye and lose your vision?

Glockoma.

People keep saying this is the last year to make the “I don’t have 2020 vision” jokes when asked about next year

On New Years of 2021 when asked how my last year was, I’ll say *I’m not sure, I don’t have 2020 vision* the joke will live on

A man with vision problems...

A man and his family have had a long history of problems with their eyesight, most remedied by prescription glasses. He's in his forties now when he starts to lose the overall quality of his vision and starts going to various doctors.

He gets prescribed a pair of prescription glasses and to n...

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Boss of the Body

The different parts of the body were arguing about who should be the Boss of the body.

The brain said "I do all of the thinking and Strategies , I should be the boss"

The Eyes said "I provide vision and allow us to see what is going on"

The legs said "I provide mobility and Tran...

I rolled for Perception with advantage, and both were crits...

Guess you could say I've got 20 / 20 vision.

People always say "why weren't we able to predict a disaster as big as the coronavirus?"

But not everyone has 2020 vision.

Did you hear about the elderly seamstress with poor vision?

She doesn't mend straight anymore.

A friend of mine went to take the vaccine for covid yesterday

After getting vaccinated, his vision was blurred and when he reached home, he called the hospital that gave him the vaccine for advice asking if he should be hospitalized.

The hospital told him to come back and collect his glasses

I have an amazing gardener who's both vision impaired and dyslexic.

His work is Mind BLowing

What did yoda tell the snowman when he found out he had tunnel vision?

All icy is you!

I legit thought of this joke when i was like 10 and im so proud i remembered it.

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There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision."

"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"

What do you call a doe with perfect vision?

A good eyed deer.

An eye-rolling joke

Dad: You know who all I saw today?

Daughter: Who?

Dad: Everybody I looked at

Daughter: Huh?!

Dad: You don't like my vision joke? Too bad, that's how eye-roll ** rolls eyes **

Daughter: I'm not laughing at your eye rolling jokes again

Dad: Why? Is it too "...

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An engineer, after being unemployed for a long time, decided to open his own hospital.

At the front, he put up a sign: “We can cure any disease with just $500! If we fail, we’ll give you back $1000.”

One doctor, thinking that this was an easy grab, visited the hospital right away.


Doctor: “I lost my taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please give 3 drops of medicine #22...

Why are potatoes better than your vision than carrots?

Because they start their life in an eye.

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this

The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog.

I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".

Two miners got trapped in a dark tunnel after a mine collapse, blocking their way in, and cutting off the power and lights.

One miner remained calm. He knew that there was other exits from the mine, but in the complete darkness, he had no way to navigate. He remained trapped.

The other miner started panicking. It was so dark, he had a wife and kids at home, he didn’t want to die like this. He was hyperventilating....

A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.

The Optician asked him what he can see.
"I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs."
That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!

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A guy walks into a bar

He has his dog with him. It's an ugly little yellow dog. He sits down at the bar next to a Marine.

The Marine has his dog with him. It's a German Shepherd, and it bristles at the ugly little yellow dog.

The Marine says "Son, you need to get your ugly little yellow dog out of here, or m...

Opening a laser eye clinic. Going to name it CircumVision...

SEE what I did there?

A joke my dad just sent me about vaccinations

Hi, it happened yesterday! And this is serious!

A friend had his 2nd injection of the vaccine at the vaccination center and began to have blurred vision the whole way home.

When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hos...

I woke up this morning and thought I had tunnel vision.

Luckily it was a false alarm, the wife just fancied a 69.

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