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Masturbation is a touchy subject

Pun completely intended

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

Making jokes about some subjects is tough, but with erectile dysfunction..

It isn't very hard.

What is a woman's favourite subject at school?

History. They are great at bringing up stuff from the past.

A Married Couple were at a party chatting with some friends when the Subject of Marriage Counselling came up

"Oh, we'll never need that. We have a great relationship." The Husband explained

"She was a Communications Major in college and I majored in Theatre Arts."

He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening"

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject

Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.

People at my work are subject to quantum effects

They behave differently if a superviser is observing.

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My teacher failed me in SexEd because I didn't want to discuss the subject.

Worst part of homeschooling...

On the subject of American independence, did you know that the Revolution was initially viewed as a breach of contract?

They heard that the Americans violated the teas and seas.

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A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

What is Wanda Maximoff's favorite subject?

Division.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

Toughest subject for a biologist

Hands down it is maths. When cells multiply, they get added up with additional cells; but to understand that, you need to know how cells divide.

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Masturbation is a touchy subject...

...whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.

If you get an email with the subject "knock knock", dont open it.

It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.

My worst subject is History.

That must mean I'm good at letting my past go.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

This isn't working, let's change the subject. Depending on whether you're in a classroom or a testing lab, that statement means something completely different!

Hehe.

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An academic from Oxford University is writing a paper on sheep shagging technique.

Having no personal experience on the subject, he decides to travel across the country and interview farmers from different regions to find out how they shag their sheep.

First, he visits a farmer in Scotland and asks him what his sheep shagging technique is.

“Well laddy, after grabbi...

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

Professor Martins at the University was giving a lecture on "Logic and Legality" to his first year students.

This day one of his students was perturbed because he had just received his results and was shocked that his professor had failed him.

After sitting through the lecture for an hour, the student raised his hand. "Professor, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

The profe...

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.

A good conversation is like a miniskirt…

Short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject.


Credit: Celeste Headlee’s sister

The Presidential Election will never bring a satisfactory conclusion, there’s no flow it’s just one candidate that changes the subject constantly,while the other can’t perform for too long

we truly have Electile Dysfunction

Which school subject was the witch’s favorite?

Spelling!

If abortion is such a mature subject,

why does it bring out people's inner child?

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(Subject matter: Anything is a dildo if you’re brave enough) There once was a lady named Jill

Who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

What is a snake’s favorite school subject?

Hisstory.

I came up with that in a dream last night, hope it’s OC.

Two subjects of an animal loving king are having a conversation

One says, “Have you gotten the news? Did you see the king’s hare died?”

“No way!” exclaims the other.


“What color?”

Based on a true story

Miss Clark had just gotten a job at a local elementary school after graduating with her master’s degree in speech–language pathology and was excited to start working with children and help them improve their communication skills.

On her first day she met a young boy named Billy at the office...

Bought a new camera today…

and wanted to test it out. I was looking for a good subject and found a salon where a guy was cutting a woman’s hair. I went in and asked him if I could take some pictures. He said she wanted a rainbow look, and it would be great to get some before and after pics to capture the coloring process.
...

Legal Humor

A recent news headline indicated that lawyers were now being used as experimental test subjects in place of laboratory rats. I read further because this just didn't seem right, but the story gave several very solid reasons for the substitution of lawyers for rats.

First: There are more of t...

Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

"It's been almost 4000 years since I did this one" Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says "Good one! It's only been abo...

After years of working his way up through the Dove Soap Company, Jedidiah Kermin was finally promoted to CEO.

Jeb was ecstatic and ready to lead the company into a new golden age of soap making. He was determined to shake up the industry and leave a true legacy for himself. So he went to product development and told them that what Dove needed was to make a soap that could clean people faster than any other ...

My least favorite subject in school was Ancient History.

The teachers tended to Babylon

What's the definition of subjective?

depends on who you ask :/

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I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject

But I must say, it's pretty cocky of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.

What happens to teachers who are bad at their subjects?

They are sent back to school

I had a difficult time with my subjects one sem

so I decided to drop my communist class because of lousy Marx.

"Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective."

"You're still late" replied my boss.

3 farmers.

3 farmers were sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they would do if they won came up.

"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on a cruise." Said the first farmer.

"First thing I would do is buy a fancy ...

A C.O. noticed something on patrol. He called his shift lead to tell him a subject was climbing down a makeshift rope, from a hole in Q4 dorm's outer wall. The subject was male, aprox. 3' 8" in height, wearing orange. The shift lead laughed over the radio, asking if he was sure of the sighting.

The C.O. later stated, it was definitely a little con descending.

If you ask me what my favorite rock band is and I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who.

If I was being objective, I'd say it was The Whom.

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective...

I'd say it's Doctor Whom.

^*Edit: ^As ^a ^few ^have ^astutely ^pointed ^out, ^the ^character's ^name ^is ^just ^"The ^Doctor"; ^I ^should ^have ^said ^"the ^greatest ^sci ^fi ^show ^is ^Doctor ^Who" ^instead ^of ^"greatest ^hero ^in ^sci ^fi". ^Thankfully ^the ^dumb ^joke ^still ^works ^in ^t...

In the sentence "the thief stole a television" where is the subject?

In prison

At the laboratory, what did they name their first experimental subject?

Lab rat Tory

3 kids were playing duck duck goose..

When all of a sudden one of them screams "Swan!!". The other two kids said "no no no that's not the game it's duck duck goose Not Swan."
The one kid Screams again "No , Swan!!"
Now frustrated the other two kids yelled "You can't play if you're not going to play it right!"
Now running and ...

What do you call a fish who is very knowledgeable and enthusiastic about an activity, subject, or pastime?

An aficionado!

Boss hired a secretary

10 days later the Boss *committed suicide* by jumping from his 27th floor office...

Police : Who was there at that time in the room ?


Secretary : I was there.


Police :What happened ? Why did he commit suicide ?


Secretary :He was a good man. One day he bought ...

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Science Fiction is "Doctor Who."

But if I'm being completely objective... I'd say it's "Doctor Whom."

Subject: Paid Leave Request

Dear HR,

I am suffering from coronavirus and request you to grant me paid leave for 30 days. Otherwise I will come to office.

Best regards,

John T.

-‐-------------------------------------------------

Subject: RE: Paid Leave Request

Dear John,

Af...

I feel like school subjects need to be represented by animals

English should be a hawk, they have good eyes, and you need good eyes for reading.
History should be bowhead whales since they’ve lived through more than anyone else.
And finally, maths should be snakes, I hear they’re great Adders.

What subject do drug dealers excel at?

Methematics

My friend still hasn’t seen season 8 of Game of Thrones. And every time I try to broach the subject she just yells at me, “No Spoilers!” So I gave up on trying to warn her

That she shouldn’t name her baby, Khaleesi.

Did you hear about the photographer who ran out of subjects?

He shot himself.

The subject of a painting

Outside the castle, in front of two deep, dangerous troughs of water filled with piranhas and barracudas, the royal coterie of lupine dog-men assembles on two long tables, facing the masses on the other side of the water. The wolf-king raises his glass and gives a piercing howl, to which the rest of...

What’s the greatest sci-fi show? Well subjectively it’s doctor who

But objectively it’s doctor whom

Today I learned the fame of Albert Einstein pales in comparison to his brother whose work in cellular regeneration has been the subject of many books and several movies.

His name was Frank.

The saudi king was walking in the streets, dressed as a commoner to check up on his subjects

He found a destitute man, whose toes were coming out of his shoes.

The king was surprised by what he saw, and walked to the man and asked ''why are your toes coming out of your shoes?''

The man replied '' my feet have out grown my shoes, and i don't have any money to buy a new pair.''...

I just got an email with the subject “Just $50 to see Justin Bieber Live!”

I thought, “Why am I supposed to pay the ransom?”

My wife thinks I should talk about things that bother me and how I am feeling instead of trying to change the subject

But I just don’t think we are gonna get as much snow as they say this winter.

Someone once told me that a good joke draws on an experience that everyone has in common but the subject should be kind of unpleasant.

That's why I made the punchline about banging your Mum.

We need to stop making jokes about common uses for rubber.

It's a tired subject.

What’s a nocturnal animal’s favorite school subject?

Owlgebra

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Santa wants to learn the subject Logic

he goes to his friend Banta, and says, this 'Logic' is really difficult for me to understand. Could you please help teach it to me.

Banta: well its really simple. let me give you an example. Do you have an aquarium in your house?

Santa: Yes

Banta: logically there must be fishes ...

What's a pirate's favorite school subject?

Arrrrrrrrt.


What's a pirate's favorite body part?

The arrrrrm.



What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?


No. The Navy you idiot.

Fifty Dollahs Is Fifty Dollahs

Herman and Zelda meet, fall in love, and marry. They're a young couple without much money, but lots of love between them. Every summer, they make a point to attend the county fair because they love walking hand in hand and exploring the attractions. And every summer, there's a helicopter ride at the...

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Bucket Method

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."


The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."


The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method." <...

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A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

I said to my friend "I bet you can't name a single subject, I don't have a joke about" He said " beavers"

"damn" I replied....

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What do you call a large crowd of people discussing the subject of wanking?

A mass debate

I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit

She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.

"Sleep on it," I said.

Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.

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Sexual harassment should not be joked about

It’s a very touchy subject to some people

Everything unrelated to the subject at hand is irrelevant.

But everything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

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A Japanese man, French man and a redneck are sitting at a bar. The subject get around to sex and what they to drive their wife crazy.

The Japanese man: After we make love, I softly massage my wife's breasts. It drives her crazy.

The French man: After we make love, I kiss her eyes, then her breasts, then her sweet spot. It drives her crazy.

The redneck: After I jump the old ladies bones, I get up and wipe my dick of...

What subject did Dracula major in during college?

AcCOUNTing

This joke must be on a popsicle stick somewhere.

My best friend isn’t on reddit so I sent him an email with my latest post to r/jokes, subject: “Post for that sweet karma”. His response,

Re: post for that sweet karma

I asked my dad why he never makes any jokes and why he always change subject

"What are you talking about? I've made two jokes... By the way where's your brother?"

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

On the subject of how hard of drugs I'm willing to do

Coke is where I draw the line

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I was subject to a full cavity search by the authorities yesterday.

I would say it was hands *down* the shittiest part of my life, but...

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Humor in the workplace

A guy who works in a deli goes to his psychiatrist and says, “Doc! I’ve become obsessed with sticking my penis in the pickle slicer at work.”

Quite concerned, the psychiatrist lists the many reasons it’s a bad idea.

The guy brings the subject up week after week. One week he comes in an...

I got an email from a Hollywood celebrity with the subject line: “I piy the fool!”

I replied, “Hey you missed a t?”

Just thought up this one: How did the cloning subject feel?

Beside himself.

I kept giving all my male test subjects iron.

it kept turning them into girls. I don’t know why.

A pessimist and an optimist

A pessimist and an optimist were sitting at a table, in a restaurant. They eat, drink, and start talking about different subjects. The pessimist tells the optimist with a more than usual saddened tone:
”You know something, with how these things are going? It can't go any m...

A scientist is driving around the countryside looking for elderly test subjects to measure how people live longer.

She comes across a dilapidated cabin with a very old and worn-out man sitting in the rocking chair on his front porch.

The scientist approaches the man and says “pardon me, sir, but what’s your secret to long life?”

The man says “I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, drink chocolate m...

Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?

It’s a sore subject

He didn't avoid the subject of his erectile dysfunction,

it just never came up.

Q: What is the snake's favorite subject?

A: Hiss-story

Oscar Wilde once boasted that he could make a pun on any subject...

Someone called out "The Queen!"

"Ah", replied Wilde, "but the Queen is not a subject."

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

Comparing subjects that are apples to oranges isn’t useless

It can lead to a fruitful discussion

I was talking to my friend over the weekend, when he brought up the subject of hobbies....

He asked, "What do you do in your free time".

To which I responded, "I stalk people".

"Oh", he exclaimed, "Really? I enjoy walks in the park or going to movies with friends".


"I know"

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided...

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach...

Why is statistics never anyone's favorite subject?

It's just average.

Circumcision is a sensitive subject...

...but not as sensitive as it used to be.

I know all the subjects of Hillary Clinton's emails, ask me anything

[Deleted]

I'm trying to make out with my gf tonight without sucess. Any activity subjection?

Not movies.

Don't ask the Norse professor about his old subject...

It's a Thor subject.

And he still doesn't want to Friggen talk about it.

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The Post Turtle

An old man was in the ER having a wound stitched up.

As they chatted the subject eventually turned to politics.
The Dr. asked the man his thoughts on President Trump.

The old man told him that Trump was a post turtle.
Not understand the term the Dr. asked the man what a post turt...

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Rabbi Eliezer was the most brilliant Rabbi of all time...

Nevertheless, his fellow Rabbis would often disagree with his opinions, leading to lengthy philosophical and theological debates.

During one debate on the subject of the legal minutiae of a religious ritual he found himself at odds with three of his colleagues. While everyone recognized that ...

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