Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

What's the definition of subjective?

depends on who you ask :/

What’s the greatest sci-fi show? Well subjectively it’s doctor who

But objectively it’s doctor whom

Someone once told me that a good joke draws on an experience that everyone has in common but the subject should be kind of unpleasant.

That's why I made the punchline about banging your Mum.

My friend still hasn’t seen season 8 of Game of Thrones. And every time I try to broach the subject she just yells at me, “No Spoilers!” So I gave up on trying to warn her

That she shouldn’t name her baby, Khaleesi.

People shouldn't joke about 9/11 it's a sensitive subject to people who lost their loved ones including me, i lost my uncle...

He was the best pilot Saudi Arabia ever had.

What’s a nocturnal animal’s favorite school subject?

Owlgebra

What subject do drug dealers excel at?

Methematics

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Santa wants to learn the subject Logic

he goes to his friend Banta, and says, this 'Logic' is really difficult for me to understand. Could you please help teach it to me.

Banta: well its really simple. let me give you an example. Do you have an aquarium in your house?

Santa: Yes

Banta: logically there must be fishes ...

My boss is firing me because I'm grasping the subject.

He said that the patients are complaining about being extremely uncomfortable from being held onto.

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Science Fiction is "Doctor Who."

But if I'm being completely objective... I'd say it's "Doctor Whom."

I said to my friend "I bet you can't name a single subject, I don't have a joke about" He said " beavers"

"damn" I replied....

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

Feel old yet?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.". Well . . . you'll love this one..The stuff is from a lady called Amy

"My name is Amy. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his ...

The saudi king was walking in the streets, dressed as a commoner to check up on his subjects

He found a destitute man, whose toes were coming out of his shoes.

The king was surprised by what he saw, and walked to the man and asked ''why are your toes coming out of your shoes?''

The man replied '' my feet have out grown my shoes, and i don't have any money to buy a new pair.''...

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I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject

But I must say, it's pretty cocky of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.

My best friend isn’t on reddit so I sent him an email with my latest post to r/jokes, subject: “Post for that sweet karma”. His response,

Re: post for that sweet karma

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Why the head of the penis is larger than the shaft.

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure d...

I just got an email with the subject “Just $50 to see Justin Bieber Live!”

I thought, “Why am I supposed to pay the ransom?”

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A Japanese man, French man and a redneck are sitting at a bar. The subject get around to sex and what they to drive their wife crazy.

The Japanese man: After we make love, I softly massage my wife's breasts. It drives her crazy.

The French man: After we make love, I kiss her eyes, then her breasts, then her sweet spot. It drives her crazy.

The redneck: After I jump the old ladies bones, I get up and wipe my dick of...

My wife thinks I should talk about things that bother me and how I am feeling instead of trying to change the subject

But I just don’t think we are gonna get as much snow as they say this winter.

Today I learned the fame of Albert Einstein pales in comparison to his brother whose work in cellular regeneration has been the subject of many books and several movies.

His name was Frank.

Women and their husbands...

Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up. "It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night."

"I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house, and the next h...

If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it is Dr. Whom.

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An elderly couple, both widowed, discussed marraige after dating a while...

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and finally they came upon the subject of marital relations...

"How do you feel about sex?" The man asked...

"I would like it infrequently," Said the woman...

The man leaned forward...and asked..."Is that one word, or two?"

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What do you call a large crowd of people discussing the subject of wanking?

A mass debate

A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist

"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?' "*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

I got an email from a Hollywood celebrity with the subject line: “I piy the fool!”

I replied, “Hey you missed a t?”

On the subject of how hard of drugs I'm willing to do

Coke is where I draw the line

What is a sea lion's favorite classroom subject?

ART! ART! ART!

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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

I asked my dad why he never makes any jokes and why he always change subject

"What are you talking about? I've made two jokes... By the way where's your brother?"

Just thought up this one: How did the cloning subject feel?

Beside himself.

Did you hear about the photographer who ran out of subjects?

He shot himself.

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective...

I'd say it's Doctor Whom.

^*Edit: ^As ^a ^few ^have ^astutely ^pointed ^out, ^the ^character's ^name ^is ^just ^"The ^Doctor"; ^I ^should ^have ^said ^"the ^greatest ^sci ^fi ^show ^is ^Doctor ^Who" ^instead ^of ^"greatest ^hero ^in ^sci ^fi". ^Thankfully ^the ^dumb ^joke ^still ^works ^in ^t...

One of the kids I’m tutoring told me this joke today: What maths subject do fish study?

Algaebra

Speech is like girls skirt.

If it is too long, people don't take interest in it, if it's short, it will fail to cover the subject.

A scientist is driving around the countryside looking for elderly test subjects to measure how people live longer.

She comes across a dilapidated cabin with a very old and worn-out man sitting in the rocking chair on his front porch.

The scientist approaches the man and says “pardon me, sir, but what’s your secret to long life?”

The man says “I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, drink chocolate m...

Why is reading research on electromagnetic radiation so easy?

Because it’s a pretty light subject.

Time (stolen from a friend)

"Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective"
"
"You're still bloody late" replied my boss

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I was subject to a full cavity search by the authorities yesterday.

I would say it was hands *down* the shittiest part of my life, but...

Comparing subjects that are apples to oranges isn’t useless

It can lead to a fruitful discussion

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

A few Halloween Jokes

Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Q: What do hillbillies do at Halloween?
A: Pump kin
Q: What is a witch's favourite subject at school?
A: Spelling.

[Long] An email from the AFTERLIFE

A Canadian couple needed a vacation in a warm climate at the end of a very cold winter. They booked a suite at an exclusive, Arizona desert resort. Because of a last minute business meeting, the wife had to leave a day later than her husband. After an early flight and then checking in at the resort,...

What's a pirate's favorite school subject?

Arrrrrrrrt.


What's a pirate's favorite body part?

The arrrrrm.



What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?


No. The Navy you idiot.

I kept giving all my male test subjects iron.

it kept turning them into girls. I don’t know why.

He didn't avoid the subject of his erectile dysfunction,

it just never came up.

Not to worry. I was only testing the smoke detectors.

On a totally unrelated subject. Supper is ready.

I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit

She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.

"Sleep on it," I said.

Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.

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Little Johnny is in his sister's room, being curious as teenagers sometimes are

As they start to undress, Little Johnny's Dad bursts into the room and starts screaming.

"Little Johnny! Don't do that to your sister! If you're feeling randy, go use the hole in the tree!"

Little Johnny reluctantly agrees as he redresses, leaving his sister to get a lecture on the sub...

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

Know your strongness

At school, I was good at three subjects .... English ....

and Maff

The son of a wealthy oil sheik sends an email to his father in Dubai

Subject: arrived.

Hi dad, Oxford is fantastic, everyone is very friendly and it is very nice here, but ... I don't feel so easy when I come to my university in my pure golden Ferrari, while my fellow students and even my professors come by train. Greetz, Nasser. The next day, Nasser recei...

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A guys sitting at a bar.

A guy sitting at the bar having a quiet drink by himself. Soon a middle age woman sat down next to him and strike up a conversations. The subject soon turned to sex and the woman asked him if he ever heard of the "huntman's special?" Admitting that he never heard of it, he asked what "What is it...

What subject did Dracula major in during college?

AcCOUNTing

This joke must be on a popsicle stick somewhere.

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I really hate it when people bring up masturbation in a conversation.

It’s a very touchy subject for me.

It's not good to joke about molestation...

It's a touchy subject.

Guys I was gonna make a Braille joke but,

It’s a pretty touchy subject.

Q: What is the snake's favorite subject?

A: Hiss-story

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Two old ladies, Wanda and Jean, were chatting one day, talking about this 'n' that, when the subject finally got around to sex...

Wanda said she enjoyed sex all the time and actually, just as much as ever.

Jean was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

Wanda said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage, she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head...

I Look Like a ..

The broccoli says
'I look like a small tree',
the mushroom says
I look like an umbrella',
the walnut says
look like a brain'
and the banana says
"Can we please change the
subject?'

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency

looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise conce...

Oscar Wilde once boasted that he could make a pun on any subject...

Someone called out "The Queen!"

"Ah", replied Wilde, "but the Queen is not a subject."

I was talking to my friend over the weekend, when he brought up the subject of hobbies....

He asked, "What do you do in your free time".

To which I responded, "I stalk people".

"Oh", he exclaimed, "Really? I enjoy walks in the park or going to movies with friends".


"I know"

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Dirty Old Man Joke #536

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed fi...

Why is statistics never anyone's favorite subject?

It's just average.

No one will talk about philosophy with me

I guess it's a pretty nietzsche subject

Aliens finally visit the earth

And they're talking about their civilization and planes in universe with a human representative, the subject of Jesus gets mentioned

Aliens: Oh yes, he often visits our planet every now and then

HR: He does? He never came a second time to ours

Aliens: Well, he must not have like...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question

"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. ...

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Three Old Prostitutes

Three old prostitutes were sitting around the nursing home, chatting about the old days. The subject of their first trick comes up:

First prostitute: My first trick was a police officer, and he was the best lover I ever had.

Second prostitute: My first trick was a fireman, and he wa...

I know all the subjects of Hillary Clinton's emails, ask me anything

[Deleted]

Check eMail Address Before Sending

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 35 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis an...

I'm trying to make out with my gf tonight without sucess. Any activity subjection?

Not movies.

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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do,"responds the...

Five-six professor

Friend : Hey Tim , How are you? I haven't seen you
in years. How have you been ? What are
you doing?

Me : I am a Five-six professor at the University

Friend: The what professor?

Me : Five-six professor

Friend: I've never heard such a s...

I finally asked Stacey to prom!!!

She was my neighbor for years and it took me months of planning and going back and forth to ask her out. My friend Richy thought if i was this nervous i shouldn’t ask her our, but when i finally did she said yes

When we got to the dance i introduced her to Richy and my other friends who went ...

The Duke ordered his subjects not to dig tunnels beneath his land but the King gave them permission to do so,

He felt undermined.

Circumcision is a sensitive subject...

...but not as sensitive as it used to be.

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The Compassionate Preacher.

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received ...

"A boy jumped through the window". What is the subject?

English literature

Physics was my favourite subject at school

I found it relativity easy

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