I have a well paid job, genuine friends and a girlfriend who loves me very much...

Wish I could post this on any other sub

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Imagine having sex with a genuine tree nymph.

That'd be strange. Wooden tit.

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

What do you call an aquamarine aquatic mammal that expresses genuine enthusiasm for gelatinous foods?

A teal seal that feels real zeal for congealed meals.

Either my wife genuinely thinks she's a goldfish...

Or she's just acting Koi.

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I have a Genuine question. Is buttcheeks one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”

Rob pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Rob said "today is my birthday, i'm feeling LUCKY and I guess 8".

The owner said, “You were very close, the lucky numb...

Yo mama so fat

>!We’re genuinely worried about her. That kind of lifestyle is unhealthy. You should encourage her to walk more and lay off the Ben&Jerry’s.!<

Why did Mick, the French baker, have to self-isolate? [Genuine OC, I promise]

...Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie

TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"

It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.

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My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.

Some sad news today.

After seven years of medical training, my friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer do the job he loves. What a waste of training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

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Look down the front of your shirt, and spell "Attic" out loud.

One genuine dad joke for your amusement!

In an alternate reality, bears speak and coexist with humans.

A prominent electrician (who happened to be a bear) employed several humans for various positions within his company. Some were in customer service, handling the phones. Others were on-site technicians who drove around town from job to job. One human, Mike, was hired to do two different jobs inside ...

I made a genuine compliment about a co-workers mustache

I don't know why she made such a big deal about it to HR.

I genuinely complemented on a coworkers moustache,

Now she's making a big deal with HR about it.

If you're genuinely asking me to choose between my career as a reporter and our relationship

Well then I've got some news for you

One of the big themes in Sartre's philosophy is the idea of genuine choice versus just the appearance of having a choice.

So he can't meaningfully choose to have his coffee with no cream, because he could never have had it with cream to begin with, but he can meaningfully choose to have it with no milk.

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The Sensitive Man

A man and a woman meet in a singles bar. They chat, they click, they connect. The fellow proposes that they continue their discussion over drinks at his place. The woman agrees.

They arrive at his apartment, and the woman is genuinely pleasantly surprised to see that, unlike a lot of bache...

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

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My Grandmother was excited to hear that some cookies at the bake sale were baked by genuine prostitutes

Grandma did always have a soft spot for ho-made products.

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This may be why Teachers retire early or turn to drinking: the following questions were in a (UK) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination (they are genuine answers):

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. In a democratic society, how impor...

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Michael Stipe confirms sex tape filmed at morgue is genuine...

..."That's me in the coroner."

A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night

She leans in to my mom and says
“When is Mother’s Day?”

My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says
“Nine months after fathers night”

What are some genuinely funny jokes?

The Students of MBBS were attending
Their 1st Anatomy
Class,
They all Gathered around the Surgery
Table with a Real Dead
Dog,
..
The Professor put His Finger in Dog's
a#s & Tastes it in His
own Mouth,
Then He asks the Students to do
the Same,
The students Hesi...

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A Genuine Problem

A guy visits his doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

"Well, American beer," he replies quite baffled.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly ...

What did Darth Vader say under the tree?

Luke... I feel your presents...

My sister just told this to me, and I genuinely laughed at it so I thought it belonged here!

My mother-in-law came into work at lunch time today, and I must admit unlike other men, I was genuinely pleased to see her.

By the way I’m an undertaker.

A genuine plane crash story...

"I was sat next to the pilot on a small prop plane coming into land on a dirt strip in Central America. As we hit the ground, a cow decided it would be a good time to wander across the runway. We hit the cow pretty hard and the impact flipped the plane over on to its roof. Amazingly we were both fin...

There was a Russian man who was a collector of supernatural oddities.

An American man heard about him, and decided to try his luck at making a quick buck. He arranged a meeting, and presented a thin gauzy cloth to the man.

"This may look like cloth, but it is actually 100%, genuine ghost skin."

The Russian man leaned in, carefully examining the cloth, an...

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

There are 10 types of people

Those who didn’t look at it, those who thought it was a binary joke, those who didn’t get it but upvoted anyway, those who didn’t get it and downvoted, those who didn’t get it and commented to say it, those who reposted mindlessly, those who reposted with credit, those who fit into more than one of ...

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An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.


He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.


"Why did you stop me you old fool?"


"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old ma...

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

Just went to the doctor and found out I'm colour blind

Genuinely can't believe it, this has come completely out of the green

A man goes into an antiques dealership carrying a violin and a painting. "Hi. I found these in the loft of the house I've just bought. I'm interested in having them valued with a view to selling them." The owner, duly fascinated takes them into the back to give them the once over.

"Very interesting." he tells the man on his return. "You realise, you've got a genuine Rembrandt and a bona fide Stradivarius here."

"That's wonderful- I'm rich!" exclaims the man.

"Not so fast, son." replies the dealer- "Rembrandt violins are notorious poor quality and Stradivarius co...

Trump is giving inspiration to a new generation of kids.

Kids would be told ‘Believe in yourself, you can be anything when you grow up, you could be President’. The kids and the parents both knew that there was no chance of it actually happening. Now, it’s a genuine possibility.

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A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

Who wants to hear my joke about paper?

It's genuinely tearable!

I'm afraid my wife might be a vampire.

She like to stay out all night, all of her guy friends invite her over before she can visit them and she always seems genuinely concerned when I try to stab her with a wooden stake.

This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. ...

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I guy I knew about 10 years ago was really into older women (NSFL)

And when I say older, I'm talking about your grandmother.



He met this one lady who was obviously flattered by the attention. They talked for a while, laughing and exchanging stories about each other, they were really hitting it off.



Then he suggested going back to her p...

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana

.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkee...

First day on the job.

A young man was starting his first job as a bellhop. Keen to make a good impression he asked the supervisor for any tips. Be polite and address the customer by their name was the response. How do I know their names? the boy asked. Check the name tag on their luggage replied the supervisor.
<...

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A man and his wife go on a date to a new restaurant...

They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day. When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor. "Whoops" he says and turns to the waiter "I'm terribly sorry but could I have another..." the waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top ...

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I genuinely just copied and pasted this off the weight watchers website

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American tourists visit Russia

... and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives.

Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking...

Alan Loved his tractors

Alan has been a fan of tractors since he was a young boy. He grew up on a farm and was obsessed with the giant machines. He ate, slept and drank tractors, his room was covered with posters of them, bed sheets, t-shirts, the whole works.

He met a girl, fell in love and eventually got married....

Who's that band?

A little bar in a small town was having a concert night and most of the town showed up. They were curious to see who in this town of everyone-knows-everyone would go up and perform.

The barman introduced up on stage a couple of highschool kids, the Little Rascals, that were going through the...

Women on dating sites are so confusing!

They ask for a "genuine guy" then block you when you send.........proof

Are you circumcised?

A man walks into the Election office in Manchester and says to the Receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an independent candidate".

Receptionist: "Certainly sir, no problem. Please fill in this Form".

He was filling the Form until he ca...

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A guy inherits a fortune...

A guy inherits a fortune and goes on a massive spending spree: Ferraris, yachts, private jets, the works.

He upgrades his wardrobe and goes to the most exclusive shops for bespoke outfits. When it comes time to get shoes, he wants something a little different.

The salesman shows him a ...

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Friendship...

A true friend is like a penis, he stands up for you in times of need. A genuine friend is like a bra, she supports you at all times. A faithful friend is like a condom, he protects you from all harm. A loving friend is like a vagina, she accomodates you fully despite the size of your problem.
...

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An older woman gets pulled over for speeding.

While cruising along the highway, an older woman gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car, the woman rolls down her window and asks "Is there a problem, officer?"

&nbsp;

The officer replies "Ma'am, you were speeding" to which woman simply replies "Oh, I see...

Why do we have so many guys named Hunter

but no girls named Gatherer?

source: not sure if this was a genuine question from nephew or a joke

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