UPJOKE
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Truly Jokes

Helen Keller was truly an inspiration,

She was able to learn how to read and write despite being from Alabama

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...

I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"

But it's just a curd to me

Saw the CEO arriving to work in a Ferrari this morning. He noticed i was looking and he told me "if you work hard for this company, if you stay overtime without asking compensation, if you truly believe you can make a difference and instill the same passion into your colleagues...

... then probably next year I'll be able to go for a Lambo"

What's the only truly accurate way to determine if someone's been vaxed against Coivd-19?

Ask them who won the election.

Hogwarts Legacy is truly an RPG…

That is as a Revelio Playing Game.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

There are 2 truly difficult problems in Computer Science

0: Naming things
1: Cache invalidation
2: Off by one errors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life lessons,truly

A boy and his daddy are driving down an old country road. The boy looks out the window of the truck and sees 2 dogs getting it on on the side of the road. He turns, and looks at his father and asks "Dad,what's all that about?"
His father thinks quickly,then replies
"Well, son that right the...

Winter is truly a magical season.

Everyone is so positive all of a sudden.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You will never truly know dissapointment

Until you run into a wall with a boner and your nose breaks first

I am truly a party animal!

Sadly, a sloth.

Dogs are truly woman's best friend

If you don't believe it, lock your dog and husband in your trunk.
Wait an hour, open it and see who is happier to see you again!

The Suicide prevention hotline in my country is truly a life saver.

I waited for a long time for them to pick up, I fell asleep and woke up without sucidal thoughts.

How did Cinderella know that she had truly found her fairy godmother?

Her new dress actually had decently-sized pockets!

Your honor, if you truly are what you eat

Then I am an innocent man

I got a great deal and paid only $6 for a book titled “100 Truly Disgusting Jokes.”

If you break it down per joke, I only paid for the author’s 6 cents of humor.

My new and 100% original (and truly terrible) COVID pirate joke...

How did the pirates manage to avoid the pandemic?

They cove-hid.

I truly believe that Allah is the one true God.

I mean the universe started out with an explosion didnt it?

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain.

Due to all the indoor fins.

America truly is the land of the free.

Said my brother, who was arrested for nothing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally...

because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.

It’s unlikely that President Trump truly has COVID...

He’s been paying others to take his tests for 65 years.

People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me...

This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.

Women are truly gifts!

They usually aren't what you expected/wanted.

My Grandad is a truly special man

He has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh Zoo.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire. The barista asks each of them why they think the empire is falling.

Aristotle gives a powerful speech about how the empire has failed to live up to its telos and deconstructs the very nature of what an em...

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My wife is going sky diving and I'm truly terrified

The last time something that large hit the ground the fucking dinosaurs died!

If you truly believe that "Colour Doesn't Matter"

try arguing with your wife when choosing wallpaper.

When you think about it, a blood cell’s life is truly futile...

After all, its whole life is lived in vein.

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All men truly are passionate ornithologists at hearth..

Why else would they spend so much time observing *Tits* in their diverse natural habitats?

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There are days when I truly think I've gotten over my porn addiction

......then I remember my favourite Michael Jackson song is 'Beat It'

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Every once in a while you run into a truly eccentric proctologist

You know... one crazy ass doctor

What does EA truly stand for?

Early Access because all of their games are rushed and unfinished.

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

People who truly love their 6 pack abs...

Will protect them with a layer of fat.

A man asks his wife “how many truly great men do you think there are in the world?”

She replies:

I don’t know, but I can tell you this: there is one fewer than you think.

Truly management material

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just...

Truly original chemistry jokes no longer exist.

They argon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Give me 30 minutes, and I will give you some truly amazing sex...

Then afterwards, we'll still have 28 minutes to do something else fun!

Flat Earthers say we’ve never truly seen real pictures of the earth

but I’ve never seen my dad and I know he’s real

Jared Fogle's career was truly full circle

It began and ended with him trying to get into smaller pants

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

A man at work has a coworker who truly despises him

Yet year after year on his birthday, the coworker gives the man elegant, expensive ties.

Finally the man can't stand it anymore and asks, "Listen, I know you truly can't stand me, so why all the niceties?"

When are you truly Vietnamese?

**When you are So - v i e t!**

*Ba dum tss*

My wife truly is a one of a kind...

Of all the hands I could have been dealt, literally the worst.

The first time I rode the elevator, it was a truly uplifting experience...

The second time was a bit of a let down, however.

Trump truly is a genius

With only 5 years old he was as smart as he is today

For my first cake day, I would like to share a truly terrible joke I heard from my brother

On the day my friend discovered my reddit account he couldn't believe his eyes. How had I got so much karma? He didn't think it possible. Naturally, for days on end he asked and begged to know. I didn't want the magician to reveal his secrets, so for a while I simply didn't tell him. I thought he wo...

Words cannot begin to describe how truly beautiful you are...

But numbers can 3/10

The only person that ever truly wanted me for who I am..

was the police

I truly believe having kids is a full-time job.

And I don’t bring work home with me.

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Truly old, but still one of my favorites: A six-year-old boy and his grandpa are sitting at a table.

The grandpa is sitting on a rocking chair, eating his cookies. The boy asks him:

-Can you give me some of your cookies?

-Can your pee-pee reach your butthole?

-Err... no...

-Then you're not old enough, kid.


A few years pass and the two find themselves in a simi...

When I look into my daughter's eyes, I realize what's truly important in life.

Birth control.

America is truly the greatest country. It has freedom...

for cops and politicians from prosecution

They say it takes 10,000 hours to truly master anything*

*Getting 8 hours of sleep not included

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only company to truly care about LGBTQ+ people after pride is PornHub...

...they have a whole section for them all year long

I truly believe that conflicts in the Wild West could have been avoided completely

If architects those days made their towns big enough for everyone

The man with no arms and legs had truly a touching moment at the hospital.

The doctors re-membered him on his birthday!

I guy I know thought he was a truly fantastic lover...

But it turns out all the women who told him that were lying in bed.

Where do artists go to truly become great?

The obituaries

They say when you go to France that you never truly come back

Well that was somewhat true for princess Diana

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(TW: a truly dirty joke) How many calories are consumed when eating pussy?

Depends which direction she wipes

My new thesaurus is truly awful!

I honestly have no words to describe how angry I am!

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"The only ones who truly know where the edge is have already gone over."

"What the fuck have you done this is a nursing home for the blind goddammit Karen!!"







\*Pardon my french ladies.

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Every Christmas with my family truly feels like the first Christmas.

There is no room, just three wise guys and a complete ass.

I have developed a truly marvellous demonstration of Fermat's last theorem ...

which this post is too short to contain

Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Ronald Reagan this November.

Oh sorry, I meant Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Joe Biden this November.

If we truly become what we mock...

...I think I'm going to start mocking some smarter, more successful people, for a change.

Donald Trump is extremely flawed in every way imaginable, yet he still truly believes he’s the best...

I can’t think of a more perfect representative of the United States of America.

Sister Marry was truly a religious woman...

Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs.

So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan.

Sister Marry happily...

A world renowned doctor is asked to visit a local mental institute to ensure all the patients truly belonged there...

He is told he will visit three patients and will be supervised by the institutes owner. When he arrives he visits the first patient in his room and sees the patient defecating into his own hands and smearing it on the wall. He quickly turns towards the supervisor  and says “this man truly belongs he...

A truly historic day. Thousands of women at a mall..

and no shoe sale.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she could moan with the other one!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am truly perplexed that so many people are against mosques being built.

I think it should be the goal of every Western Society to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus mosques should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the store to buy some raisins...

When he got there, he asked a cashier, "What aisle are the..."

"...raisins in?" she asked.

"How... how did you know?"

"I am a psychic. I can read minds."

"Really? Well then, what am I..."

"Thinking now? You're thinking about what I might look like naked."

"Y...

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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a cr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

TIL that North Korea is one of few countries where women Truly have equal rights to men.

That is that they both equally don't have any.

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk...



The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. The...

Say what you want about Ben Carson the politician, but Ben Carson the person is truly inspiring.

He really opened a lot of young minds!

What’s the perfect ‘S’ word?

Sword.

This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...

a Mexican stand off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

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Four musicians are arguing about who gives the best blowjobs in the band.

The first says, “Clarinet players are the best, because they can put so much in their mouth and still play beautifully.”

The second says, “No, it’s flute players! They can handle the mouthpiece sensitively while still using their fingers.”

The third still disagrees, and says “It’s oboe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, an immam and a rabbi are discussing the miracles in their lives that had truly cemented their respective faiths.

The priest says "once I was out on a boat, and a storm hit. The boat was about to capsize, but when I prayed to God suddenly the oceans 100 feet around us became calm".

The immam says "that is good, but once I was in the middle of a warzone with bullets flying through the air all around me. I...

I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist here, but are we truly to believe that the Titanic sunk after being hit by an iceberg?! Do they think we're stupid fools!?

I've been throwing lettuce at the window for hours now and it hasn't even scratched, let alone put a hole in it.

My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon

The Most Dad Joke of Puns!

All the best Puns are written down on paper. That way, they're truly tear-able.

Also it's my cake day!

Big Brother can see every single facet of our lives, we truly have no privacy and no control over own lives.

But can Big Brother see why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch?

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares her...

Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked u...

The shovel is a ground breaking invention, but it was the invention of the broom that truly swept the nation by storm. However, the invention of the wheel got things rolling...

And I’m just here wondering why our feet smell and our nose run...

So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn’t have a life insurance

He answered: “Because I want you to be truly sad when I am gone”

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