3 objects were talking, a sharpener, a pencil and a ball. The ball was saying that the pencil wasn't sharp. The pencil retorted that he was very sharp. What did the sharpener say?

"No, no, he's got a point."

Downvote me all you want guys

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I am a sex object.

I always ask women for sex, and they object.

My friends and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

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Hey girl, are you an object-oriented programming language?

Because you've got class.

"Noun; the force that attracts objects towards the center of a celestial body."

"Very nice, Elphaba, but I said '_defy_ gravity'"

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My friend is addicted to having sex with inanimate objects, and we haven’t seen him in a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

Never treat a woman like an object...

It hates that.

What is the object of American football played by really cheap people?

Get the quarter back.

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My friend asked me if it’s ok to use everyday objects for sexual stimulation.

He’s sitting on the fence.

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

What's that shiny object?

A blonde woman walks into a store and is immediately curious about a shiny object on sale.

She asks the shop assistant, 'What is that?'

The assistant responds, 'It's a thermos.'

The blonde then asks, 'What does it do?'

'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.' ...

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passage way, one that is made a...

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When an object is not symmetrical, it is called asymmetrical.

When an organism doesn't use sex to reproduce, it is classified as asexual. So therefore, my conclusion is if a person doesn't have a soul, they are an asoul.

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream

He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue."

Putin asks, "Why blue?"

Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."

What is it that separates humans from inanimate objects like shoes?

Soles.

Just found out Coronavirus doesn’t affect objects.

Lucky women.

I like to play on words and measure objects.

You can say I'm pun to be width.

Everyone seemed upset with me when I started hanging objects from ropes on the ceiling

I don’t know why, but it created some tension

I joined a fitness group where the main objective is to always take the stairs.

It's a 10,000 step program.

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My friend is sexually attracted to inanimate objects, and we rarely get to see him nowadays.

He always has stuff to do.

A woman is the only object that defies the laws of the universe

The heavier they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Don't treat Women as objects, they say.

Meanwhile me:

Women women = new Women();

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

My take on a classic.

Donald Trump visited a fortune teller one day. He walked in past all the mystic objects and sat down. The Teller read his palm, flipped her tarot cards, and stared into her crystal ball with a pensive look on her face. "What, what are you staring at?" The Donald asked with sweat on his brow.
<...

I was playing a game of really deep facts with some kitchen objects.

I just finished saying my fact when I hear a knock on the door.

The dishwasher opens it, turns around and looks at me skeptically.

I say to him:"Let that sink in."

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Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time.

As they approach the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter appears before them.

"The rules are simple: to get into Heaven, first you have to tell me how you die. If I'm satisfied with your story, you can come in."

The first man steps forward.

"Imagine this. You come home to your sixth-floo...

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As a male comedian, I treat women as sexual objects.

Is this thing on?

Uh-oh. I think the object of my desires suspects something.

She's just changed her wifi name to HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice.

So I'm in court...

And the judge says "You are guilty on charge of manslaughter."

And I say "I object. I killed a woman."

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As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose and managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two lads objected strongly:

"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take the...

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A Comedian Once Told Me..

“ Whenever the audience doesn’t react to your jokes, there are two ways to get them to laugh. First, say motherfucker for no reason at all. Aloud. Awkward silence. If this doesn’t work, tell them a dick joke. Shove imaginary cylindrical object into your mouth like you are giving a blowjob. If neithe...

Once upon a time there was a great wizard.

His name was Theaddus.

He had helped solve many people's problems.
People rewarded him for his help.
With all this money he had bought many talking items to spend his time with.

On one of his trips he had found the perfect item for a loner like him. A staff made of fir.

It...

Last night I went to a satanic-like ritual where we chanted around a flaming object, cut it up and ate it.

It was a fun birthday party.

A man walks out of a bar

Which is weird, considering it's a solid object.

Lawyer’s

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “...

joke from Russia about lockdown

FSB (like FBI) director: we need to bring police and national guard on the streets. Total curfew. Batons, water cannons. All people should stay home no matter what. Start detentions and raids. No objections.

Prime minister: okay and that’s gonna help us against coronavirus?

FSB directo...

If an object is large enough, it becomes a location.

Can’t wait to travel to yo mama.

What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.

My wife said she would leave me if I kept pointing at inanimate objects...

I said “there’s the door”

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A story about kinks and boobs

I started dating this girl with a really weird fetish -- she's got a very nice pair of knockers, and she loves having it smacked loudly. She really gets off from the pain and from the really loud POP sound that the slap of skin-on-skin can make. Recently, she's been getting more kinky about it, and ...

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The family history of Jack Schitt

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" So, I just researched about his family history for y'all.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Sch...

I was criticizing my friend for eating poison when he started to object and then suddenly vomited...

...I said I'm glad you brought that up.

A guy was invited to a fancy dress party, and decided to go as Adam...

...So he phoned a costume hire shop and asked to rent a fig leaf. A few days later, the said fig leaf arrived, and he tried it on, but as he was fairly well endowed, it didn't quite cover things up, so he sent it back with a note explaining the situation. A day or so later another, larger, fig lea...

An old man is riding his Harley through California,

As he was riding, he saw a shiny object on the side of the road. The old man pulled over, picked it up, dusted it off and discovered it was a genie lamp. He rubbed the lamp and the genie appeared.

"You have freed me from the bottle, so I shall grant you one wish. Name your wish!" Stated the G...

My schizophrenic friend loves to give inanimate objects names.

He named his car wheels “Matthias”

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Show-and-Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show-and-tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamine and I am Jewish and this is a Star of ...

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime.

Give a man a duck and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to duck and he avoids low flying objects!

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What does my uncle and a gastroenterologist have in common?

Both shoved foreign objects up my ass after drugging me.

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My father ladies and gentlemen...

So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's Vacation) and...

I used to think women were objects.

But then it hit me.

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My friend, who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, hasn't been around in a while...

I heard he's finally settled down with that one nightstand

A German, a Russian and an American man died and went to the gates of heaven.

Because throughout the entirety of their lives they have been entirely good and compassionate men, St. Peter decided to reward them somehow. He told them that he cannot send them back to earth to live again, but he could return them as any kind of object they want, to stay among the living. All thre...

A famous British boxer threw an object at me.

It turned out to be a mere can!

A man has been robbed so he goes to the pet store to get a guard dog.

When he gets to the pet store he explains what he wants to the owner.

Owner: wait here for me. I’ve exactly what you’re looking for!

The man waits and a few minutes later the owner returns with an adorable puppy.

Man: I don’t think you understood, I want a dog that can protect m...

If the man who made walkie-talkies named a few other objects:

Laxitives: passy-gassy

Loofah: cleanie-beanie

Ocean wave: wooshy-splooshy

Socks: heaty-feeties

Musical: singy-thingy

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns…

…or is it just me?

My friend has a successful company where he weighs big objects

He's doing business on a large scale

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

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A father whale and his son are swimming

when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."


At which point, the father whale was stricken by a long thin ...

I can't place iron objects next to each other...

I'm allergic to Fe lines.

Nasa decided to put a random object on all of Saturn's moons

So now there's a tack on Titan.

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective...

I'd say it's Doctor Whom.

^*Edit: ^As ^a ^few ^have ^astutely ^pointed ^out, ^the ^character's ^name ^is ^just ^"The ^Doctor"; ^I ^should ^have ^said ^"the ^greatest ^sci ^fi ^show ^is ^Doctor ^Who" ^instead ^of ^"greatest ^hero ^in ^sci ^fi". ^Thankfully ^the ^dumb ^joke ^still ^works ^in ^t...

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Just a typical story repost with a little twist

A proud farmer lying on his deathbed, asked his three sons to find one object that can be used to fill the inside of the barn. The one who can deliver will be chosen as his heir to the farm.

So the oldest son goes to the market to get hay while the middle son go get leaves and the youngest s...

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Modern Day Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.


His horse has already died of thirst.


He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards a...

I tried joining the KKK, but wasn't allowed to due to my family's objections.

I was always the black sheep of the family.

My girlfriend says I treat her like an object.

I don't know why it keeps saying that.

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The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

Can throwing a round heavy object as far as you can be classed as a sport??

Discus

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Despite my objections, my pastor told me and my boyfriend that homosexuality and dyslexia are sinful.

I guess I'm in Daniel

If I was being subjective, I'd say the greatest science fiction show of all time was Doctor Who, but if I was being objective...

I'd say it was Doctor Whom.

Comment with a random object and I'll try to make a joke out of it!

On your mark, get set, go!

EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)

EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue comment...

I was going to make a joke about object permanence..

..but I lost sight of it.

A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...

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I quizzed my one of my friends on what inanimate objects you can have sex with.

Turns out, he knew a fucking thing or two about fucking a thing or two.

I’ve been accused of objectifying women

public class Woman extends Person {

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I'm getting tired of being viewed as a sex object.

At every store I go to the cashiers are checking me out.

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I am objectively attractive

According to Newton's law of universal gravitation, mass attracts mass.

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One day the pope suddenly died...

...and around the world millions were shocked and saddened at the death of the man that lead the world to Jesus. An X-ray was done of his body as part of the investigation into his death and a strange abnormality was detected. Deep down his left ear canal was some kind of tiny device shaped like a s...

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Whats the lightest object in the world?

A penis.

It can be lifted by a single thought.

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.

He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six", in spite of her objections.

One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go ho...

Margaret Thatcher appears to Boris Johnson in a dream...

"Privatise the NHS and paint the Houses of Parliament green!" she says to Johnson



Johnson looks confused; "Why green?"



Thatcher smiles, "I knew you wouldn't object to the first part"

Priest/Nun - Man/Wife

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the cemetery when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sh...

Is there more than one singular first person objective pronoun?

Or is it just me?

Why are black holes fascinating objects in the universe?

Once you go black, you never go back.

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

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Penises are the lightest objects in the world.

Even thoughts can raise them.

Never anthropomorphize inanimate objects.

They hate it when you do that.

I once objected to a wedding, but it didn’t work

I still had to marry her

I don't understand the purpose of smooth objects.

I mean, there's no point.

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A female friend stated that men only see women as sexual objects.

Stereotypes like these really piss me off! As if men can't multitask.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

Larry, the Chemical Engineer

Larry was a chemical engineer who worked for DuPont Chemicals and who was brilliant at his job. He’d been the main guy responsible for developing Kevlar and a host of other really great plastics and polymers.

However, it had been quite a while between new developments and so the VP of Researc...

So I watched a zombie movie recently...

The survivors boarded themselves in an old furniture store. They had a nice camp setup with beds, lounges, workbenches, and thrived for several years. At least until the virus mutated and jumped to inanimate objects. Then the tables turned...

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There is only two man made objects visible from space. The great wall of china and,

Kim Jong Un's giant ass.

cmon guys I cant do this all by myself.

A man was walking home down a dark street at night. As he was walking, he heard this thumping....

He stopped and looked, and there was nothing there. It seemed to have stopped. He continued on. Then he heard more thumping, and he knew he wasn't crazy. He turned, and what he saw horrified him. A coffin was thumping after him! He ran. The coffin on his tail. He ran to his house. He closed and lock...

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My wife makes me feel like a sex object.

Every time I offer sex... she objects!


I'm sure this is a re-post from somewhere.

A man is stranded in the desert dying of thirst.

As he crawls along he spots something on the horizon. As he gets closer, he sees the objects are market stalls. He goes t the first stall and pleads for water. The stall holder tells him he only sells jelly with broken biscuit in it. He crawls to the next stall and and pleads for water put the stall...

Stellar objects and radio waves?

I always wondered, when hearing stellar bodies like pulsars, quasars and black holes emit radio waves, the following:

1) Are these waves akin to AM/FM/VHF/UHF type signals in that they transmit signals and sound?
2) If not, are these "waves" just variations in the redshift of hydrogen?
...

Two submarines are trying to win a competition

Each one of them has to try and hit objects that are smaller and smaller in size.

Every day they choose an object in the ocean, and declare that the objective before trying to hit it:

*"Today we'll hit that sunken ship"* and off they go.

Then it's the other team's turn: ...

“I OBJECT!” the defendant screams in court.

The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, “No…you human.”

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I hate the myth that men will fuck anything with a heartbeat...

I've fucked inanimate objects too!

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Women complain that men treat them as sex objects.

Then they buy a vibrator. Isn't that just women treating sex objects as men?

Why are three-dimensional objects so good at cutting down trees?

They have three axes.

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