This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

If an object is large enough, it becomes a location.

Can’t wait to travel to yo mama.

A famous British boxer threw an object at me.

It turned out to be a mere can!

My wife said she would leave me if I kept pointing at inanimate objects...

I said “there’s the door”

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My friend, who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, hasn't been around in a while...

I heard he's finally settled down with that one nightstand

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

​

Just wanted to make that clear.

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Wife: "I object to all this sex on the television!"

"I keep falling off!"

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I’m definitely a sex object

Every time I ask a woman for sex, they object

If the man who made walkie-talkies named a few other objects:

Laxitives: passy-gassy

Loofah: cleanie-beanie

Ocean wave: wooshy-splooshy

Socks: heaty-feeties

Musical: singy-thingy

I was going to make a joke about object permanence..

..but I lost sight of it.

Nasa decided to put a random object on all of Saturn's moons

So now there's a tack on Titan.

I used to think women were objects.

But then it hit me.

My friend has a successful company where he weighs big objects

He's doing business on a large scale

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Whats the lightest object in the world?

A penis.

It can be lifted by a single thought.

I can't place iron objects next to each other...

I'm allergic to Fe lines.

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I quizzed my one of my friends on what inanimate objects you can have sex with.

Turns out, he knew a fucking thing or two about fucking a thing or two.

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

Whats with blunt objects?

I just don't see the point...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm getting tired of being viewed as a sex object.

At every store I go to the cashiers are checking me out.

Never anthropomorphize inanimate objects.

They hate it when you do that.

Why are black holes fascinating objects in the universe?

Once you go black, you never go back.

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Penises are the lightest objects in the world.

Even thoughts can raise them.

Uh-oh. I think the object of my desires suspects something.

She's just changed her wireless ID to: *Hey, you in the tree, I've called the police.*

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My wife makes me feel like a sex object.

Every time I offer sex... she objects!


I'm sure this is a re-post from somewhere.

Can throwing a round heavy object as far as you can be classed as a sport??

Discus

My girlfriend says I treat her like an object.

I don't know why it keeps saying that.

If you ask me what my favorite rock band is and I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who.

If I was being objective, I'd say it was The Whom.

Comment with a random object and I'll try to make a joke out of it!

On your mark, get set, go!

EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)

EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue comment...

There is only two man made objects visible from space. The great wall of china and,

Kim Jong Un's giant ass.

cmon guys I cant do this all by myself.

Why are three-dimensional objects so good at cutting down trees?

They have three axes.

A quantum object turns from wave to a particle...

"It's just a prank bro! Look, there's the observer!!"

What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy?

Inheritance.

A lawyer took a client who was charged with aggressively weaving objects to throw at people

He had a real basket case on his hands

Stellar objects and radio waves?

I always wondered, when hearing stellar bodies like pulsars, quasars and black holes emit radio waves, the following:

1) Are these waves akin to AM/FM/VHF/UHF type signals in that they transmit signals and sound?
2) If not, are these "waves" just variations in the redshift of hydrogen?
...

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

First Rule of Laziness: If an object falls under the bed,

it is lost forever.

I don't understand the purpose of smooth objects.

I mean, there's no point.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does my kinky friend not care what objects his girlfriend puts in his butt?

Because peggers can't be choosers

I spent some time yesterday pondering whether I was actually a small strainer used to filter out ink-based writing objects.

You could say I was a little pen-sieve.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you say to a sex patient that likes to have sex with ordinary objects?

Go fuck your shelf.

I thought this up, sorry of its a repost.

I don't waste my hate on people. I only hate objects.

Good thing my ex is a tool

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Women complain that men treat them as sex objects.

Then they buy a vibrator. Isn't that just women treating sex objects as men?

“I OBJECT!” the defendant screams in court.

The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, “No…you human.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife says I think of her as a sex object...

I can't disagree though because everytime I ask for sex... She objects.

Question 1: which is better - javelin or that sport where you throw a round flat object?

Discuss.

Have you heard of the object without mass?

It doesn't matter

What type of objects do not accelerate, regardless of the force applied?

Letterhead and envelopes. No matter how hard you try, they remain stationery!

I saw some things at the auction labeled “Art Objects"

Considering what they looked like, I’d object, too

I was a secretary in an office...

And one of my coworkers, Herald, had a beautiful parakeet that he kept on his table in his office cubby. It was named "Dimes" after his love of small shiny objects.

Anyways at the office one day, I get a call from Herald's table and it was the parakeet. He was tired of being the only one in t...

Physics 101: Heat expands objects..

You're fat.. you're hot

I commonly known for arguing over what gives an object weight

Some people say I'm a mass debater

I see your childhood joke and raise you mine: What object crashes the most?

A kaleidoscope!

What's the object of Jewish football?

Get the quarter back.

Are you a VIRGIN?

Joe had a blind date with Maria for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.

After some really passionate embracing, he said: "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," Maria replied.

...

How does a frog fasten two objects together?

Rivets.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man has an option to turn into any object in the universe, he chose a butter knife.

He wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer...

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