UPJOKE
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My Mum's instinctual answer to a crossword clue made for a great joke: "A useless object, 3 letters long, begins and ends with D"

Dad.

What's a cow's favorite astral object?

The mooooooooooooooooon

My best friend and I just started a business where we weigh microscopic objects.

It’s ..a small scale operation.

I tried to make my students understand why the earth pulls objects towards itself...

I guess they just didn't understand the gravity of the matter.

In an alternate universe, where objects down to the molecular level are sentient...

One day, a cell meets up with another cell. They chat for a bit.

Their chat then comes to a brief halt as another cell chimes in, saying "did you hear what the atoms had to say?"

The cell then says "No, they pretty much make up everything"

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

Want an example of an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object?

Frank Sinatra starring in a Kubrick movie.

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My wife is a sex object

Every time I ask for sex she objects.

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object.

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object. The farmer stops, picks up the object, and realizes that it's a tarnished lamp. As he's rubbing his hands across it to clear away the dust and dirt, a genie appears. The genie says "Thank you Mr. Farmer for releasing me...

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A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.

"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "what can I do to make Russia great again?"

Stalin replies, "Execute half of your population and paint the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

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I have a friend who is sexually attracted to inanimate objects.

I don't see him much though. He always has stuff to do.

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My wife is a sex object.

Every time I ask for sex she objects.





Merit goes to u/Make_the_music_stop who wrote this one in the comments to another joke and made me laught reallly hard

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What everyday object are you like?

So my kid had to pick an everyday object that she is like and explain why she is like that object to her class. She tells me that her friend N picks a rose because everyone is different but they are each pretty just like every girl she knows! Then eventually it's my daughter turn and she tells me sh...

Daryl was sitting in his house when came a loud knock on his door. He went to the door and a salesman was standing there with an unfamiliar object in his hand. “What’s that?” asked Daryl. “It’s a Thermos.”

Intrigued, Daryl asked, “What does it do?”

Shifting into the sales pitch he said, “This little jewel is amazing. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

After some discussion Daryl purchased one thinking it would really help with his lunch situation at work. The next day he arr...

What did Johnny Depp's lawyer say when they found Amber Heard's "bruise makeup kit" wasn't made before 2017?

Objection, lack of foundation

What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?

Screwed

An old man sees a booth for helicopter rides for $50 at the county fair.

He says to his wife, “I’m getting up there in age, and I’ve always wanted to ride in a helicopter.”

His wife says, “absolutely not. 50 bucks is 50 bucks. You don’t need to ride in a helicopter.”

The next year at the fair, he sees the helicopter booth again and he asks again. The conver...

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A Mathematician, and Physicist, and an Engineer

are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an o...

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Amber Heard

Amber Heard Who?

Objection! Hearsay

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

Constipation.

---courtesy, my Dad.

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Hey girl, are you an object-oriented programming language?

Because you've got class.

Dr. Frankenstein entered a competition.

It was a bodybuilding competition.

It wasn't until it was too late that he realised he really misunderstood the objectives!

Never treat a woman like an object...

It hates that.

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I Object to All This Sex on the Television

I keep falling off.

A guy croaks with 2 sons

The older son calls the younger and says, “Look, I can’t make it to the funeral but I want Dad to go out in style. Price is no object. Just send me the bill and I'll pay for everything.”

So the younger brother takes care of the funeral, sends his brother the bills and he pays for everything. ...

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We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

The Story of Chekhov's Gun

A man brought his date back to his apartment.

"And this is my apartment. Would you like some alcohols? My roommate, Chekhov, has a whole bunch of alcohols. He likes to buy them."

"No thanks," said the woman who was wearing a red scarf.

"He also has a gun that is usually right th...

LGBTQ+ lives are like objects that have mass and occupy space

they matter

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A guy walks into a bar. And he's mad as hell.

He walks over to the bartender and says, "Bob!! Whiskey!! And leave the bottle!!"

Bob takes out a bottle, pours a shot, slides it over and says, "Hey there Johnny...you seem a little tense. What's the problem?"

Johnny grabs the shot and slams it down. Then pouring himself another sa...

What president likes to clean heavy objects?

George Washington

What do you call someone who is incredibly good at estimating the weight of objects?

A masstermind

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As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

I looked into my partner's eyes and said to the priest, "I do."

If nobody else was going to object to the marriage, then I guess I had to.

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When an object is not symmetrical, it is called asymmetrical.

When an organism doesn't use sex to reproduce, it is classified as asexual. So therefore, my conclusion is if a person doesn't have a soul, they are an asoul.

What do you call an object through which light cannot pass?

A cisparent object

Three scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize for their work on black holes. The Trump Administration immediately objected

and said that research would should be directed towards white holes as well.

Linguists sometimes see the woman as an object...

... depending on her placement in the sentence!

"Gravity: noun. 1. The invisible force that pulls objects to celestial bodies."

"That's very nice, Elphaba. But I said try _defying_ gravity."

A philosopher, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach

A theologist, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach when they come across a watch that had washed up on the shore.

After studying the watch for some time, the theologist declared that clearly some intelligent being has created the object, for each part works harmoniously with the ...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

A man was rravelling along a country road in his car, when a strange thing passed and overtook him.

Not wanting to be outdone, the man speeds up his car, but is unable to catch up to the thing. Just before reaching a side road, he sees the thing dissappear into some bushes at the side of the road.

The man turns off at the parallel road and stops at a farmhouse there. He gets out and rings t...

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Load of balls

While holidaying in southern Spain a man visits a local restaurant – where he sees a diner happily wolfing down two large pink objects. ‘I’ll have those, please,’ he tells the waiter.

‘I’m sorry, Senor,’ comes the reply, ‘but they are cojones – the testicles of the bull killed in the local bu...

My girlfriend says I treat her like an object.

I don't know why it keeps saying that.

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A man wakes up one morning and hears on the radio that a gorilla has escaped from the zoo.

Deciding that this news does impact his life in any way, the man goes outside to retrieve the mail. Just as he reaches his mailbox, he hears very loud grunting above him and looks up at his massive tree next to the mailbox. Up high in the tree is none other than the escaped gorilla, hooting and holl...

Did you hear about that politician who objected to building another reservoir in California?

His argument didn't hold water.

Uh-oh. I think the object of my affections suspects something.

She's changed her WiFi name to "HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice".

I saw this small object flying at me from a distance.

I couldn’t figure out what it was.
And then, it hit me.

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Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

Frankestain enters into a body building competition...

and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform pre...

What is the object of American football played by really cheap people?

Get the quarter back.

Comment with a random object and I'll try to make a joke out of it!

On your mark, get set, go!

EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)

EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue comment...

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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That swee...

What is the object-oriented way to become wealthy?

Inheritance

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective...

I'd say it's Doctor Whom.

^*Edit: ^As ^a ^few ^have ^astutely ^pointed ^out, ^the ^character's ^name ^is ^just ^"The ^Doctor"; ^I ^should ^have ^said ^"the ^greatest ^sci ^fi ^show ^is ^Doctor ^Who" ^instead ^of ^"greatest ^hero ^in ^sci ^fi". ^Thankfully ^the ^dumb ^joke ^still ^works ^in ^t...

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I'm terrified of objective statements.

Wait, fuck

A man walks into a Christian talk centre

He listens to the priests speech and halfway through interrupts him.

“Your god can’t exist and Jesus can’t be his son and your bible is corrupted.”
The priest objects “my son i have proof if you would just let me finish-“

But the man exits the centre. The priest secretl...

Can throwing a round heavy object as far as you can be classed as a sport??

Discus

I used to think women were objects.

But then it hit me.

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns…

…or is it just me?

Stephen Fry once told this joke on "QI"

There is a story about the Bloomsbury Group writer Lytton Strachey who was a 'confirmed bachelor', as they used to put it. He was also a conscientious objector and a pacifist. He appeared before the conscientious objection board. It was their job to quiz him on whether he actually was a true pa...

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Why did the one tool seek another tool to be its therapist?

Because sometimes even wrenches need a vice.

P.S.: I had just seen this video on here that showed a special vice grip for certain tools and random shaped objects. Was cool as hell. Enjoy!

I was out shooting the other day and I thought “why do objects appear larger the closer they get?”

And then it hit me.

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A grim man enters an otolaryngologist's cabinet and whips out his penis... ...and it's all bluish and visibly not okay. The doctor, shocked: "You're in the wrong cabinet, you need to see the urologist!"

"No," says man. "The thing is, me and my friends go to a sauna once a month..."

"Ah, so then you'll need a dermatologist if it's caused by an STD" - interrupts the doctor.

"..and we play this reaction game called "Oof!" when we all whip out dicks and put them on a round table, music pl...

How Newton came up with his laws

A cow was walking. Newton shouted at the cow and it stopped. He formed his first law: “an object continues to move unless it’s stopped”.

Newton gave the cow a forceful kick and it made a sound, ‘MA’. He formed his second law: “force, F = MA”.

The cow gave Newton a forceful kick back. H...

“I OBJECT!” the defendant screams in court.

The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, “No…you human.”

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

How to come up with a dad joke - Beginner's Advice

1. Read a dictionary.
2. Find Rhymes.
3. Think about the rhyme.
4. Find more Words.
5. Toss the dictionary out of the window.
6. Apologise to the neighbor for hitting him with the dictionary.
7. Catch the dictionary the neighbor threw back.
8. In case you didn't catch it, fix br...

If I was being subjective, I'd say the greatest science fiction show of all time was Doctor Who, but if I was being objective...

I'd say it was Doctor Whom.

Nasa decided to put a random object on all of Saturn's moons

So now there's a tack on Titan.

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My friend asked me if it’s ok to use everyday objects for sexual stimulation.

He’s sitting on the fence.

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A US special forces team is assembled in Afghanistan...

The team's objective is to try to extract as many transsexuals from Afghanistan as possible before the Taliban find them.

The leader of the team makes it clear to his commanding officer, that an auto mechanic will be crucial for the success of this operation.

When asked why a mechanic...

I was criticizing my friend for eating poison when he started to object and then suddenly vomited...

...I said I'm glad you brought that up.

My wife said she would leave me if I kept pointing at inanimate objects...

I said “there’s the door”

Last night I went to a satanic-like ritual where we chanted around a flaming object, cut it up and ate it.

It was a fun birthday party.

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within...

Give a man a duck, and he'll eat for a night.

Teach a man to duck, and he'll avoid low-flying objects.

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A woman decides to kill her self

She has had enough. Everyone is seeing her as a object and wants to have sex with her. So she jumps out of the 5th floor.

A man in the 4th floor sees her falling and catches her.

"What do you think you're doing?", he says, "Life is good. We can go to cinema. We can have some Ice Cream...

Have you heard of the object without mass?

It doesn't matter

A famous British boxer threw an object at me.

It turned out to be a mere can!

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

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My wife makes me feel like a sex object.

Every time I offer sex... she objects!


I'm sure this is a re-post from somewhere.

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I'm getting tired of being viewed as a sex object.

At every store I go to the cashiers are checking me out.

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

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An old business tycoon marries a young supermodel but knows his jealousy will eventually, get the better of him…

So everyday, the tycoon; Mr Green, rings up his new wife from his office on the top floor of his international corporation headquarters in the city to their penthouse apartment in the suburbs. And everyday, regular as clockwork the wife answers, slightly out of breath and always surprised to hear hi...

I like to play on words and measure objects.

You can say I'm pun to be width.

I can't place iron objects next to each other...

I'm allergic to Fe lines.

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My friend, who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, hasn't been around in a while...

I heard he's finally settled down with that one nightstand

I joined a fitness group where the main objective is to always take the stairs.

It's a 10,000 step program.

So this guy goes to a confectioner... (long)

(A confectioner makes objects out of candy or chocolate, in case you didn't know)

So this guy goes to a confectioner, placing an order for a VW Beetle made from chocolate. Scale, 1:32

"That won't be cheap" the confectioner says. "Money's no issue" the customer replies. "And it'll take ...

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