Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Girlfriend is a sex object

Every time I ask for sex, she objects

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

Constipation.

---courtesy, my Dad.

"Gravity: noun. 1. The invisible force that pulls objects to celestial bodies."

"That's very nice, Elphaba. But I said try _defying_ gravity."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey girl, are you an object-oriented programming language?

Because you've got class.

Did you hear about that politician who objected to building another reservoir in California?

His argument didn't hold water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

What do you call an object through which light cannot pass?

A cisparent object

Three scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize for their work on black holes. The Trump Administration immediately objected

and said that research would should be directed towards white holes as well.

My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding contest

He seriously misunderstood the objective.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm terrified of objective statements.

Wait, fuck

If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

I saw this small object flying at me from a distance.

I couldn’t figure out what it was.
And then, it hit me.

Uh-oh. I think the object of my affections suspects something.

She's changed her WiFi name to "HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice".

3 objects were talking, a sharpener, a pencil and a ball. The ball was saying that the pencil wasn't sharp. The pencil retorted that he was very sharp. What did the sharpener say?

"No, no, he's got a point."

Downvote me all you want guys

I was out shooting the other day and I thought “why do objects appear larger the closer they get?”

And then it hit me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

Never treat a woman like an object...

It hates that.

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

My mother told me not to poke sharp objects.

As for why, *I just can’t put my finger on it...*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into an adult toy store.

A man walks into an adult toy store. He is a business man who is arranging to go on a long work trip away from his wife. Afraid that his wife might get sexually frustrated and cheat on him, he has decided to buy her a sex toy to keep her busy while he is away. He walks up to the clerk and asks to be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has an elephant...

A man has an elephant that is getting too expensive to feed, so he puts an ad in the paper for a 50/50 contest. 20 dollars to enter, and if you can make the elephant jump, you win half the pot. Many people try but nobody can do it. One day, a slick guy in a Cadillac shows up puts money in the jar...

A company needs to hire an executive but they don't know what field they need

So they line up interviews with an engineer, a lawyer and an accountant. The first to be interviewed is the engineer. The interviewer points to a white board with "1 + 1" written on it and says "What does this equal?"

The engineer looks at the equation and says "Two. There is no other answer,...

"Ladies and gentlemen," the intercom on a large intercontinental flight announces, "this is your captain speaking. Please look out of the window on the port, or left side of the aircraft, and you will see that the left engine is on fire..."

"Now please look out of the starboard window, or right side of the aircraft, and you will see that the wing is breaking off, and will soon separate from the fuselage..."


"Now, please look down, to the tropical island below. At the beach, you will notice a small orange object. It is a life...

What is the object of American football played by really cheap people?

Get the quarter back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend asked me if it’s ok to use everyday objects for sexual stimulation.

He’s sitting on the fence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When an object is not symmetrical, it is called asymmetrical.

When an organism doesn't use sex to reproduce, it is classified as asexual. So therefore, my conclusion is if a person doesn't have a soul, they are an asoul.

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and ...

A joke my granddad once told me as a kid:

At a mental hospital there is a man and a doctor assessing his sanity.

The doctor takes out a 100 dollar bill and an apple and sets it on the table

"Mister, I want to give you something. Which of these do you want?"

The man looks at the 2 objects hard, and eventually takes the a...

The village of idiots.

There is a village of idiots. Every month the village gathers in the town square, where 3 people from the neighboring town each bring in an object so,the town's folk can guess what it is. It's great fun for the whole town women, men, young and old alike join the festivities. The first person walks t...

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school alone

He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She knew she needed to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but at the same time she wanted him to feel safe. So, she came up with an idea that would satisfy both objectives. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would follow her son...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man is lost in the desert and is about to die.

Suddenly, he sees a shiny object in the sand. He gets close, and realizes that it’s a magic lamp!

He rubs the lamp and a genie appears.

“I’m an almighty genie” he says.
“I shall grant you any three wishes”

The man thinks about it for a while, then he says:
“I want to be wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Italian Casanova

An Italian was driving his sports car along the Amalfi coast when he saw a beautiful girl hitchhiking. He stopped the car and offered the girl a ride. He went in ‘Casanova-mode’ and leaned over the pull the girl close. She didn’t object so he took it a step further. He drove to his house and took th...

A young lady and an older one were riding through town in the same carriage.

The older lady asked the younger if she wouldn't mind taking a detour down the cobblestone road which runs past the old church. The younger lady had no objection, and the older directed the driver, who turned at the appointed street. Unlike the brick of the main streets, however, the cobblestone roa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is sexually attracted to inanimate objects, and we rarely get to see him nowadays.

He always has stuff to do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian stumbles on something hard and sharp on his way home from work one night.

He bends over to pick up the object and proceeds to brush the snow off of it only to discover a genie rushing out of this lamp.
“Hello master, I can grant you one wish.”
After half a second of thought the Russian says “I want to piss Vodka for the rest of my days.”
“Granted” says the genie...

A teenager is feeling insecure about his looks.

His mom tries to convince him that he's a beautiful boy, but he keeps answering that she can't say anything objective because she's his mom. At some point, the mom has enough and tells him :

- You know what? I wanted to go see my old friend Sabrina who didn't see you in like 10 years with you...

I like to play on words and measure objects.

You can say I'm pun to be width.

A man goes into a lumberyard for a Job interview.

The manager was impessed with his application, and called him in for an interview. The manager decides to put a blindfold on the man to test his knowledge...

The manager places a length of pine on the table, lets the applicant touch and smell it. Correctly the applicant calls it pine.
...

Why couldn't the dwarf see objects that were far away?

He was short sighted

Don't treat Women as objects, they say.

Meanwhile me:

Women women = new Women();

I used to think women were objects.

But then it hit me.

I was playing a game of really deep facts with some kitchen objects.

I just finished saying my fact when I hear a knock on the door.

The dishwasher opens it, turns around and looks at me skeptically.

I say to him:"Let that sink in."

My wife said she would leave me if I kept pointing at inanimate objects...

I said “there’s the door”

There once were two people out in the woods...

When they happened to come upon an old well. One person looks at the other and says, "I wonder how deep that well is."

The other responds, "We can figure that out quick enough. Grab one of these logs here, toss it down the well, and count how long it takes to splash."

So the two find a...

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective...

I'd say it's Doctor Whom.

^*Edit: ^As ^a ^few ^have ^astutely ^pointed ^out, ^the ^character's ^name ^is ^just ^"The ^Doctor"; ^I ^should ^have ^said ^"the ^greatest ^sci ^fi ^show ^is ^Doctor ^Who" ^instead ^of ^"greatest ^hero ^in ^sci ^fi". ^Thankfully ^the ^dumb ^joke ^still ^works ^in ^t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Dental Appt.

>A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot."No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
>
>The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says: " I can't do the gas thing. The thought of ha...

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns…

…or is it just me?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is late for dinner and speeding home.

He is pulled over by a cop that had been hiding on the far side of an underpass. While questioning the motorist he asks what the man does for a living.
“Well sir, I’m a rectum stretcher”
Confused the cop asks “what’s exactly does that mean?”
The man explains “well first you start with one ...

My girlfriend says I treat her like an object.

I don't know why it keeps saying that.

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

Ten minutes pass, and the nun...

The Horse Challenge (LONG)

Every year, during fair season, a local farmer takes his horse and sets up a booth at various fairs. The rules are simple and the reward is great; make his horse nod yes and then shake his head no- doing this earns a $500 prize.

As it so happens fair season is in full swing, and the farmer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend, who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, hasn't been around in a while...

I heard he's finally settled down with that one nightstand

An old Joke that used to make my friends laugh.

Disclaimer: I am using nationalities, but I mean no offense or disrespect.

3 men die and are sent to hell. American, Bhuddist monk and a russian. They meet the devil. The sevil says:

"I will allow you to leave and go to heaven, if you can endure 3 lashes from my whip without screaming...

I was criticizing my friend for eating poison when he started to object and then suddenly vomited...

...I said I'm glad you brought that up.

If the man who made walkie-talkies named a few other objects:

Laxitives: passy-gassy

Loofah: cleanie-beanie

Ocean wave: wooshy-splooshy

Socks: heaty-feeties

Musical: singy-thingy

Comment with a random object and I'll try to make a joke out of it!

On your mark, get set, go!

EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)

EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue comment...

If an object is large enough, it becomes a location.

Can’t wait to travel to yo mama.

What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

I can't place iron objects next to each other...

I'm allergic to Fe lines.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

Nasa decided to put a random object on all of Saturn's moons

So now there's a tack on Titan.

Can throwing a round heavy object as far as you can be classed as a sport??

Discus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grim man enters an otolaryngologist's cabinet and whips out his penis...

...and it's all bluish and visibly not okay. The doctor, shocked: "You're in the wrong cabinet, you need to see the urologist!"

"No," says man. "The thing is, me and my friends go to a sauna once a month..."

"Ah, so then you'll need a dermatologist if it's caused by an STD" - interrupt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate keeps complaining that his older wife treats him like a sex object.

What a dildo.

My friend has a successful company where he weighs big objects

He's doing business on a large scale

A famous British boxer threw an object at me.

It turned out to be a mere can!

A Boy Named Meaty

There once was a boy named Meaty. He was wrong about everything. In school his teacher would ask "Meaty, what's 1+1?" Meaty would answer, "11!" The teacher would respond, "Meaty, you're wrong." But Meaty didn't give up easily. He always raised his hand and gave his best answer, and his teachers woul...

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl wants to introduce her boyfriend, Maggot, to her parents

Maggot is this big biker dude. He has a leather vest, a bushy beard, and of course his pride and joy: a Harley-Davidson he keeps in pristine condition by polishing the chrome weekly and rubbing the saddle with vasoline whenever it rains.

So, at dinnertime, Maggot arrives at the parents' house...

Your Mama so fat

That she's the super massive compact object at the centre of the galaxy and they gave a Nobel prize today for discovering her.

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream

He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue."

Putin asks, "Why blue?"

Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Despite my objections, my pastor told me and my boyfriend that homosexuality and dyslexia are sinful.

I guess I'm in Daniel

On my way to KnifeCon 2019 and my heart dropped when I saw the sign "No Sharp Objects".

It was my worst knifemare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male teacher is teaching physics in an all girls school. One day, he was teaching the topic of electricity.

"A net electrical charge means the resulting electrical charge on an object. It normally means if an object has a majority of positive or negative charge. Do you understand?"

To this, his students stared at him blankly, some shaking their heads cautiously.

The teacher sighed and tried...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two doctors are in a coffee shop having breakfast.

When they look out the window and see a man walking down the street very bow legged and almost on his tip toes.

Trying to decipher his condition, the first Doctor says "there's a typical case of severe arthritis in both knees"

The second Doctor objects and claims "it's obviously a fail...

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

Is there more than one singular first person objective pronoun?

Or is it just me?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest goes fishing

A priest goes fishing with one of his parishioners and catches a large fish. The parishioner, still excited at the catch, exclaims "That's a big fucker!"

The priest immediately chastises the parishioner for his language. Thinking quickly, the parishioner replies: "But Father, that's the n...

I was going to make a joke about object permanence..

..but I lost sight of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm getting tired of being viewed as a sex object.

At every store I go to the cashiers are checking me out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penises are the lightest objects in the world.

Even thoughts can raise them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day a mysterious package appeared on my doorstep.

Upon further inspection, I realized it was a large bowl-shaped object with two knobs that controlled the outflow of a liquid. I stood on the doorstep and yelled to my wife to come and look. She told me she had ordered it for the bathroom.

Let that sink in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is only two man made objects visible from space. The great wall of china and,

Kim Jong Un's giant ass.

cmon guys I cant do this all by myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the lightest object in the world?

A penis.

It can be lifted by a single thought.

A man was demonstrating a new type of drone to the military.

He was the project tech and was showing them how you could give it coordinates and an image of the objective and off it would go. Multiple options existed for the target - identify, pick up and bring back small packages, or deliver packages to soldiers in the field.

For some reason his boss n...

Why are black holes fascinating objects in the universe?

Once you go black, you never go back.

“I OBJECT!” the defendant screams in court.

The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, “No…you human.”

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.