This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

​

Just wanted to make that clear.

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We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

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Wife: "I object to all this sex on the television!"

"I keep falling off!"

My wife said she would leave me if I kept pointing at inanimate objects...

I said “there’s the door”

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My friend, who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, hasn't been around in a while...

I heard he's finally settled down with that one nightstand

My friend has a successful company where he weighs big objects

He's doing business on a large scale

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

A famous British boxer threw an object at me.

It turned out to be a mere can!

If the man who made walkie-talkies named a few other objects:

Laxitives: passy-gassy

Loofah: cleanie-beanie

Ocean wave: wooshy-splooshy

Socks: heaty-feeties

Musical: singy-thingy

Nasa decided to put a random object on all of Saturn's moons

So now there's a tack on Titan.

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Whats the lightest object in the world?

A penis.

It can be lifted by a single thought.

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I'm getting tired of being viewed as a sex object.

At every store I go to the cashiers are checking me out.

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I quizzed my one of my friends on what inanimate objects you can have sex with.

Turns out, he knew a fucking thing or two about fucking a thing or two.

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I’m definitely a sex object

Every time I ask a woman for sex, they object

I can't place iron objects next to each other...

I'm allergic to Fe lines.

I used to think women were objects.

But then it hit me.

Whats with blunt objects?

I just don't see the point...

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A female friend stated that men only see women as sexual objects.

Stereotypes like these really piss me off! As if men can't multitask.

Never anthropomorphize inanimate objects.

They hate it when you do that.

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

Why are black holes fascinating objects in the universe?

Once you go black, you never go back.

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Penises are the lightest objects in the world.

Even thoughts can raise them.

Uh-oh. I think the object of my desires suspects something.

She's just changed her wireless ID to: *Hey, you in the tree, I've called the police.*

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My wife makes me feel like a sex object.

Every time I offer sex... she objects!


I'm sure this is a re-post from somewhere.

My girlfriend says I treat her like an object.

I don't know why it keeps saying that.

Can throwing a round heavy object as far as you can be classed as a sport??

Discus

If you ask me what my favorite rock band is and I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who.

If I was being objective, I'd say it was The Whom.

Comment with a random object and I'll try to make a joke out of it!

On your mark, get set, go!

EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)

EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue comment...

Why are three-dimensional objects so good at cutting down trees?

They have three axes.

A quantum object turns from wave to a particle...

"It's just a prank bro! Look, there's the observer!!"

There is only two man made objects visible from space. The great wall of china and,

Kim Jong Un's giant ass.

cmon guys I cant do this all by myself.

A lawyer took a client who was charged with aggressively weaving objects to throw at people

He had a real basket case on his hands

What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy?

Inheritance.

I got in trouble at an airport for reporting an unsupervised foreign object...

Apparently, they're not talking about Spanish children that can't find their parents.

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Why does my kinky friend not care what objects his girlfriend puts in his butt?

Because peggers can't be choosers

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Women complain that men treat them as sex objects.

Then they buy a vibrator. Isn't that just women treating sex objects as men?

I don't understand the purpose of smooth objects.

I mean, there's no point.

Stellar objects and radio waves?

I always wondered, when hearing stellar bodies like pulsars, quasars and black holes emit radio waves, the following:

1) Are these waves akin to AM/FM/VHF/UHF type signals in that they transmit signals and sound?
2) If not, are these "waves" just variations in the redshift of hydrogen?
...

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

I don't waste my hate on people. I only hate objects.

Good thing my ex is a tool

“I OBJECT!” the defendant screams in court.

The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, “No…you human.”

Question 1: which is better - javelin or that sport where you throw a round flat object?

Discuss.

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My wife says I think of her as a sex object...

I can't disagree though because everytime I ask for sex... She objects.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you say to a sex patient that likes to have sex with ordinary objects?

Go fuck your shelf.

I thought this up, sorry of its a repost.

Have you heard of the object without mass?

It doesn't matter

What type of objects do not accelerate, regardless of the force applied?

Letterhead and envelopes. No matter how hard you try, they remain stationery!

I saw some things at the auction labeled “Art Objects"

Considering what they looked like, I’d object, too

I commonly known for arguing over what gives an object weight

Some people say I'm a mass debater

A snail is going somewhere...

...one day, when he comes upon a shiny metal object in his path. Undeterred, he climbs on it and goes on, when suddenly the object shakes and a blue being comes out of the smoke and proclaims, "I am the genie of this lamp, snail, and you have rubbed it by going across it. However, since your "rubbin...

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Are you sure?

So a man dies and is sent to hell.

When he gets there the devil says "hey you know what? I'm in a good mood today so I'll let you pick your eternity here from these 3 doors"

The man says ok and opens the first door.

Behind door #1 was a lion eating a man alive, every time the li...

I see your childhood joke and raise you mine: What object crashes the most?

A kaleidoscope!

What's the object of Jewish football?

Get the quarter back.

How does a frog fasten two objects together?

Rivets.

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A man has an option to turn into any object in the universe, he chose a butter knife.

He wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer...

Are you a VIRGIN?

Joe had a blind date with Maria for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.

After some really passionate embracing, he said: "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," Maria replied.

...

Can a ninja throw any pointy object with lethal accuracy ?

Shuriken

A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified...

He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?"

A man walks in a bar and orders a beer to drink...

Everyone looked at him like he was crazy for talking to an inanimate object.