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Object Jokes

What's a cow's favorite astral object?

The mooooooooooooooooon

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My husband calls me a sex object

Everytime he wants sex, I object

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As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

My girlfriend says I treat her like an object.

I don't know why it keeps saying that.

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We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

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I object to all of the sex on the TV, these days...

I mean, I keep falling off!

I used to think women were objects.

But then it hit me.

Some guy was trying to sell me object permanence today.

But when I turned to grab my wallet, he disappeared.

What is the objective of jewish football?

To get the quarter back.

Comment with a random object and I'll try to make a joke out of it!

On your mark, get set, go!

EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)

EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue comment...

Objection

"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?"Well, your honor," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns…

…or is it just me?

“I OBJECT!” the defendant screams in court.

The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, “No…you human.”

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

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I treat my wife like a sex object.

I want sex and she objects.

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective...

I'd say it's Doctor Whom.

^*Edit: ^As ^a ^few ^have ^astutely ^pointed ^out, ^the ^character's ^name ^is ^just ^"The ^Doctor"; ^I ^should ^have ^said ^"the ^greatest ^sci ^fi ^show ^is ^Doctor ^Who" ^instead ^of ^"greatest ^hero ^in ^sci ^fi". ^Thankfully ^the ^dumb ^joke ^still ^works ^in ^t...

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I asked my wife "If I was an inanimate object, what would I be?"

She said "a window"

I thought about it for a minute and then said "Is that because I'm transparent, I let the sunshine into your life and shield you from the rain?"

She looked up slowly, smiled and said "No it's because you're a fucking pane"

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

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My wife is a sex object.

Every time I ask for sex she objects.





Merit goes to u/Make_the_music_stop who wrote this one in the comments to another joke and made me laught reallly hard

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.

"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "What should I do to make Russia great again?"

"Execute half the population and paint the Kremlin blue" says Stalin.

"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

The world's most expensive object by weight : at 8 million dollars per gram, it's a stamp

UPDATE : weighing 25 grams and costing a staggering 22 Bugatti cars, the new winner is Andrew Tate's pizza box.

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What everyday object are you like?

So my kid had to pick an everyday object that she is like and explain why she is like that object to her class. She tells me that her friend N picks a rose because everyone is different but they are each pretty just like every girl she knows! Then eventually it's my daughter turn and she tells me sh...

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Hey girl, are you an object-oriented programming language?

Because you've got class.

Stop anthropomorphising inanimate objects.

They don’t like it.

Objection, Lack of Foundation

Says the lawyer when Amber Heard comes in with a visible bruise not covered by makeup.

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My wife keeps blaming me for making inanimate objects mad

My wife keeps blaming me for making inanimate objects mad.

"Quit pissing off the roof. Quit pissing off the balcony. Quit pissing off the diving board."

Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.

Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter

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When an object is not symmetrical, it is called asymmetrical.

When an organism doesn't use sex to reproduce, it is classified as asexual. So therefore, my conclusion is if a person doesn't have a soul, they are an asoul.

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A teacher was testing her students' ability to guess what objects were without using their sight...

She had the kids all blindfolded and gave them things such as pine cones, little bars of soap, or small toy animals, and they had to figure out what they were by using their sense of touch or smell. Then she gave them a real treat, Life Savers in all kinds of flavors, and they had to taste them to g...

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

Constipation.

---courtesy, my Dad.

My friend and I have started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object.

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object. The farmer stops, picks up the object, and realizes that it's a tarnished lamp. As he's rubbing his hands across it to clear away the dust and dirt, a genie appears. The genie says "Thank you Mr. Farmer for releasing me...

There was once an Austrian physicist who discovered that the sound of an object changes pitch as it passes by an observer...

...But before he could publish his findings someone stole his work and took all the credit for it.

Turns out the physicist had a Dopplerganger.

What president likes to clean heavy objects?

George Washington

Have you heard of the object without mass?

It doesn't matter

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I'm terrified of objective statements.

Wait, fuck

What is the object-oriented way to become wealthy?

Inheritance

In an alternate universe, where objects down to the molecular level are sentient...

One day, a cell meets up with another cell. They chat for a bit.

Their chat then comes to a brief halt as another cell chimes in, saying "did you hear what the atoms had to say?"

The cell then says "No, they pretty much make up everything"

I saw this small object flying at me from a distance.

I couldn’t figure out what it was.
And then, it hit me.

My Mum's instinctual answer to a crossword clue made for a great joke: "A useless object, 3 letters long, begins and ends with D"

Dad.

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

What do you call an object through which light cannot pass?

A cisparent object

I tried to make my students understand why the earth pulls objects towards itself...

I guess they just didn't understand the gravity of the matter.

Uh-oh. I think the object of my affections suspects something.

She's changed her WiFi name to "HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice".

What is the object of American football played by really cheap people?

Get the quarter back.

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Whats the lightest object in the world?

A penis.

It can be lifted by a single thought.

Just came back from visiting another man, he put a long object in my mouth and now my throat hurts badly...

God I hate COVID-19 tests.

A famous British boxer threw an object at me.

It turned out to be a mere can!

Can throwing a round heavy object as far as you can be classed as a sport??

Discus

There are hints my grandfather is suffering from declining vision. I heard he was walking along the side of the road and walked right into a fixed object.

It might be a sign.

What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?

Screwed

"Gravity: noun. 1. The invisible force that pulls objects to celestial bodies."

"That's very nice, Elphaba. But I said try _defying_ gravity."

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I am objectively attractive

According to Newton's law of universal gravitation, mass attracts mass.

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My wife makes me feel like a sex object.

Every time I offer sex... she objects!


I'm sure this is a re-post from somewhere.

Stellar objects and radio waves?

I always wondered, when hearing stellar bodies like pulsars, quasars and black holes emit radio waves, the following:

1) Are these waves akin to AM/FM/VHF/UHF type signals in that they transmit signals and sound?
2) If not, are these "waves" just variations in the redshift of hydrogen?
...

A quantum object turns from wave to a particle...

"It's just a prank bro! Look, there's the observer!!"

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I'm getting tired of being viewed as a sex object.

At every store I go to the cashiers are checking me out.

I was going to make a joke about object permanence..

..but I lost sight of it.

Nasa decided to put a random object on all of Saturn's moons

So now there's a tack on Titan.

I can't place iron objects next to each other...

I'm allergic to Fe lines.

Never anthropomorphize inanimate objects.

They hate it when you do that.

What do you call someone who is incredibly good at estimating the weight of objects?

A masstermind

Did you hear about that politician who objected to building another reservoir in California?

His argument didn't hold water.

Unusable name

A man comes to the birth registration office to register his newborn son.

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."

 The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.

Says th...

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
<...

I don't understand the purpose of smooth objects.

I mean, there's no point.

I like to play on words and measure objects.

You can say I'm pun to be width.

A young widow goes to the funeral parlour to plan her husband's funeral

She met with the mortician who asked her how she wants the body dressed.

"He always looked so good in blue. I want him to be buried in a blue suit."

This posed a problem as he had been delivered to the funeral parlour in the black suit he was wearing when he died. However, the wife was...

My wife said she would leave me if I kept pointing at inanimate objects...

I said “there’s the door”

First Rule of Laziness: If an object falls under the bed,

it is lost forever.

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A man is on his way home of a very long drive.

Every day he has a very long and slalomy ride to do but today near the start of his drive all of a sudden his rear-left tyre got punctured and he has to stop.
On the side of the road he finds a dirty strange object that's pulsating. He checks it out and a genie comes out.

"I'M THE GENIE A...

Three scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize for their work on black holes. The Trump Administration immediately objected

and said that research would should be directed towards white holes as well.

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As a male comedian, I treat women as sexual objects.

Is this thing on?

Is there more than one singular first person objective pronoun?

Or is it just me?

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

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What is the shittiest part of Object Oriented Programming?

Reading the abbreviation backwards.

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Penises are the lightest objects in the world.

Even thoughts can raise them.

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

Yo Mama Joke by a Physics Professor

Yo Mama is so fat you can see the objects that are directly behind her

If the man who made walkie-talkies named a few other objects:

Laxitives: passy-gassy

Loofah: cleanie-beanie

Ocean wave: wooshy-splooshy

Socks: heaty-feeties

Musical: singy-thingy

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A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

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Women complain that men treat them as sex objects.

Then they buy a vibrator. Isn't that just women treating sex objects as men?

So we landed a car-sized object on Mars...

...but we have no plans to bring it back. As a matter of fact there's at least 3 of 'em up there. Does this make us the rednecks of the Galaxy; leaving our broken down rovers all over our Solar System?

I was criticizing my friend for eating poison when he started to object and then suddenly vomited...

...I said I'm glad you brought that up.

If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

Why are black holes fascinating objects in the universe?

Once you go black, you never go back.

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My friend asked me if it’s ok to use everyday objects for sexual stimulation.

He’s sitting on the fence.

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Guy walks into a hotel

A few years back, a feeder tournament for the World Series of Poker has attracted a lot of people to the town where it is being held, and every hotel in town is sold out. A guy without a reservation walks in and asks for a room. The desk clerk tells him “Sorry, but there are no rooms available. Due ...

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