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Wiener Jokes

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When Lorena Bobbitt famously cut off her husbands wiener and drove across town with it, she decided to throw it out the car window and when she did it hit the windshield of the car behind her with 2 old ladies in it, the driver said “what kind of bug was that!?” and the passenger said,..

“I don’t know but did you see the dick on that thing?!”

What do women say to guys with big wieners?

Figured you wouldn’t know.

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How do you know that you have arrived at a picnic for homosexuals?

All the wieners taste like shit.

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A guy with no arms walks into a bathroom….

So there’s a guy washing his hands and the guy with no arms says “hey man I’m a lil embarrassed, do you think you could help me out.” So he says sure, unzips the guys pants for him pulls his wiener out for him and it’s just the grossest most disgusting thing he’s ever seen, it’s all red and has open...

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Dad, is that dog over there a wiener dog?

Son, with enough peanut butter every dog is a wiener dog.

Do you sell hot dogs?

Because you sure know how to make a wiener stand.

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[NSFW] A man went to a doctor to cure his dick

Man: I have a problem with my penis, promise me you won’t laugh

Doctor: Alright, let’s see what’s wrong

The man pulled down his pants and revealed his tiny wiener, it was around the size of a AAA battery. The doctor let out a little giggle but immediately regained composure. After a fe...

A German, an Italian and a Newfie are sitting on a steel girder...

...hundreds of feet above the ground, having lunch. The German opens up his lunch box and lets out a groan. "Mein Gott!" he says. "Not wiener schnitzel again! I'm so sick of wiener schnitzel, if I ever have to eat wiener schnitzel for lunch again I'm going to throw myself from this girder."

T...

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A lonely man adopts a new pet...

A lonely man feeling distant from his wife decides to follow the advice of a coworker and sets out to find a pet to keep himself company.

On the way home from work one day, the man stops by a pet shop. Inside he finds the usual fare, hamsters, guinea pigs, goldfish, etc. As he looks around h...

Roses are red,

Grass is greener,

When I'm with you,

I play with my wiener.

Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?

Because he wanted to get a long little doggie.

The average hotdog machine will have 547,500 wieners in it and catch 4,277 gallons of juice in its trap during its lifetime.

Just like your mother.

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A guy walked into a bar with a small alligator...

...and walked up to the bartender to ask for a drink.

The bartender notices him walking towards him and says, "Whoawhoawhoa, is that a crocodile?"

To which the guy responded, "Well, its an alligator, but yeah."

"That thing cannot be in here."

"Why not?"

"Well, its ...

If my wiener was a mountain...

It be Mount Saint Helens

[Long] Rupert the dog

A woman is in a pet shop looking for a protector for her home. She sees a variety of animals from talking birds, to pitbulls and even exotic cats. Being well off, she decides to ask the shopkeep what the best available was.

“Ah! Yes you must be interested in Rupert!” the shopkeep says excite...

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle

As he reached for a vine, his hand slipped and fell to the jungle floor and got knocked out cold.

He woke up and realized he didn’t have any broken bones everything seemed OK, except his wiener was missing. He assumed it had fallen off and one of the jungle creatures ran off with it.

H...

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Frank and Pete are playing outside

Frank asks Pete: hey Pete -, do you know what a penis is?

Pete thinks about it but doesnt know either.. :"i'll quickly ask my dad - he knows everything.

Pete finds his dad in the kitchen and asks;, "Daddy, what exactly is a penis?"

His dad is kinda overstrained and struggles to...

Motivational quote.

If you seek victory, be a sausage.

That way, you’ll be a wiener.

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Lorena Bobbit just can’t help herself.

She tried to cut off her second husband’s penis too. Fortunately she missed and only stabbed him in the thigh.

She ended up being charged with a missed-da-wiener.

Why couldn't the ghost get his girlfriend pregnant?

He had a hollow wiener!

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A father takes his son to the doctor...

After a brief wait, the concerned father brings his son into the examination room, pulls down his pants, points at the kids wiener, and exclaims "DOCTOR!!! IS IT NORMAL FOR A 3 YEAR OLD TO HAVE A FULLY DEVELOPED ADULT SIZED PENIS?!?!?"

The doctor looks down at it and says "It's only an inch a...

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A man tattooed his wife's name on his penis to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary

When he got home, he said "Honey, I tattooed your name on my wiener to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary!"

His wife got extremely angry and said "I know what you're trying to do! You're trying to put words in my mouth!"

A telephone technician gets his wiener bitten by a rattlesnake while peeing on a bush.

He and his coworker where fixing some phone lines in a remote location, far from the city.

His coworker, not knowing what to do, climbs to the top of the telephone pole, connects his service telephone to the wires and calls 911.

The guy on the pole: "Hello, emergencies? My coworker was...

My son wrote a short fairy tale about a prince who became a princess

He named it Once Upon a Wiener

(True story)

Why did the cowboy want to buy a wiener dog

So he could 'get a long little doggy'


Credit- my 12 year old daughter!

How did the hotdog get the job despite having a criminal record?

It was a misde-wiener

Wanna hear about the time I got kicked out of school?

Everyone knows that kindergarteners are very curious. So back in the day I was peeing at a urinal, and Timmy comes up to me and says, "Whoa, your wiener is huge!"
I thought nothing of it at the time. But when we got back to class, Timmy started telling everyone. Within the hour they wanted to see...

The Democrats are having trouble gaining traction for any of their candidates, so

They have asked Anthony Wiener to run for President and he would have Eric Holder as his VP.


They say it's the Wiener-Holder ticket. They will beat the competition, be hard on crime, and get a grip on the big issues.


They will get to meat of it all.

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

  
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?

He ate a 7 year old wiener.

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Girl Walks Into the Living-room and Asks Here Dad If She Can Borrow The Car.

The dad looks at her, points to his wiener and says, "you know the routine."

So, she gets on her knees and begins reluctantly.

After just a few seconds she stops in disgust,
"Jesus Christ dad your dick taste like shit."

Dad looks at his daughter in realization,
"Dammit, I...

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Medical Humor

1...A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
...

I had just stuck my wiener into some golden buns when I realized...

I forgot a condiment.

Jen and I are going to a party.

Outside of the house there's a naked guy running around with his wiener flying everywhere. We walk in and start talking to everyone.

"You would not believe what we just saw."

"Well what was it?"

"Jen'll tell ya."

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What’s the difference between jam and jelly?

I can’t jelly my wiener in your butt

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A man goes up to the counter to order a Polish sausage.

The cashier asks, “Hey, are you polish?”

The man then responds, “You think I’m polish just because I ordered a Polish sausage? If I ordered a wiener schnitzel would you think I’m German? If I ordered sushi would you think I’m Japanese? If I ordered Pizza would you think I’m Italian?”

T...

What happened when the sausage came in first?

An announcer said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a wiener!"

Did you guys see the movie about the hotdog?

It was an Oscar Wiener

[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"

Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"

Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.

Little Joe: "Granddad...

A drunk guy walks out of a bar..

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the ...

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A boy and his grandpa

One day a boy’s grandpa was watching TV and drinking a beer.

He sat down and asked if he could have some of the beer.

“Is your wiener long enough to touch your butthole?”
“Nope.”

“Then you’re too young to share my beer,” his grandpa chuckled

A couple of weeks later...

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Vodoo Dick

A woman complains to her friend that she hasn't been laid in years and she feels so lonely. Her friend suggests that she visit the Haitian store and she will get help. The woman is curious so she goes to the store and bashfully explains her situation to the store owner. He pulls out a wooden phallus...

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Two friends are having their weekly beer in a bar NSFW

They talk about everything, so it's only a matter of time before one of them asks the other:

"So, how's the sex been lately?"

"Terrible" says the other. "Every time my wife and I hook up, she loses her attention!"

"Well," said the first guy, "I remember having that problem with...

What do you get when you cross a Dachshund with a Pit Bull?

A Wiener-Pit, just like your mom.

A little boy and girl are playing together in a bathtub...

The girl asks: "Can I touch your wiener?"

The boy replies: "NO WAY, you've already ripped yours off!"

Why do so many guys spit in urinals?

Just seems weird that there are that many dudes who salivate at the sight of a wiener.

A German man was hitting on my sister-in-law...

I told her "He wants to put his wiener in your schnitzel."

She replied "Not happening, I guess he'll be stroganoff."

Sally's Mommy is smart (marginally NSFW)

Little Sally and Little Johnny are playing in the sandbox one day.

Johnny looks at Sally and for whatever reason decides he wants to play a game with Sally.

So he gets her attention and suddenly pulls up his shirt. And then, pointing to each nipple, he announces "I have one of THESE ...

The Sleeping Scotsman

A Scotsman decides one day he'd pass the time by walking the countryside. After a couple of hours, he comes to the top of a hill and sees a road down below him.


"I don't remember there being a road here. I must be more lost than I thought!"


Before trying to trek his way back ...

Why can’t witches have babies?

Their husbands have hollow wieners!

Come on, better than why can’t fortune tellers have babies, Their husbands have crystal balls!

Two hotdogs are walking down the street

One suddenly turns to the other and says, "Mike! Your wiener is showing"

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Why was the empty penis so scary?

Because it was a hollow wiener (halloweener)

[works better spoken - I think - just made it up in the shower]

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Costume Party

A few years back I threw a costume party at my house. It was really fun to see all my friends dressed up silly. There was a cowboy, a gorilla, a nurse, a bum, you know, all the standard outfits one would expect. Everyone was having a great time when the doorbell rang, I went to the door and opened i...

What happens when you take a Daschund from its mother?

You wiener away....

Ok, I'll leave now.

2.00$

Two guys want to really have a night of fun but between them they only have 2.00$ so Guy 1 thinks he has a brilliant idea
Guy 1: I know how we can have a fun night of drinking on our 2.00$

Guy 2: O really how are we gonna do that?

Guy 1: See that hotdog vendor over there? Well we wi...

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A boy sees his grandfather enjoying a beer

The boy asks, "Can I have some of your beer?" The grandfather replies, "It depends... can you fit your own wiener in your butt?". The boy walked away figuring that what just his way of saying no.

The following day, the boy sees his grandfather eating a cookie so the boy asks "Can I have a coo...

Why did the hot dog vendor cry?

He burned his wiener

Does anyone have a recipe for sausage and apples?

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted tonight and she said she could use a wiener in cider.

Funniest Doctor Joke I've read in years (supposedly true):

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB-GYN,

I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...
To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out...

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Boy and his grandpa are fishing

A grandpa took his grandson fishing. A while in the grandpa takes out a cigar and starts smoking. The little kid asks if he can have one too and the grandpa says, "does your wiener touch your butt?" To which the kid responds no, then the grandpa says "that's too bad, then no".

Later on the g...

Two Hunters

A classic...

Two hunters are out shooting turkey. One of them takes a leak, and gets bitten by a big black rattlesnake. The other hunter shoots the snake, but is too late: his friend got deeply bit on his wiener.

So, he calls 911 and proceeds to explain the situation: "my friend got b...

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Just heard this better version of a classic...

A guy and a gal hit it off at the bar. One thing leads to another and they end up back at his place.

The gal is impressed. This guy is a total catch. Professional triathlete, nice house, well spoken and chivalrous. Best of all: no tattoos. This gal hates tattoos.

Well, one thing lead...

What does the hot dog say when it crosses the finish line?

I'm the wiener!

Why will only Dachshunds be remembered ?

Because History is written by the wieners.

One day, Hot Dog Bun Boy came home from school...

His mother saw him come in looking pretty glum and asked, "What's the matter Hot Dog Bun Boy? Did something happen?"

Hot Dog Bun Boy replied, "I was in my history class and it's so frustrating that there are no lessons at all about Hot Dog Buns like us! It's so unfair!"

The mother cam...

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