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When Lorena Bobbitt famously cut off her husbands wiener and drove across town with it, she decided to throw it out the car window and when she did it hit the windshield of the car behind her with 2 old ladies in it, the driver said “what kind of bug was that!?” and the passenger said,..

“I don’t know but did you see the dick on that thing?!”

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[NSFW] A man went to a doctor to cure his dick

Man: I have a problem with my penis, promise me you won’t laugh

Doctor: Alright, let’s see what’s wrong

The man pulled down his pants and revealed his tiny wiener, it was around the size of a AAA battery. The doctor let out a little giggle but immediately regained composure. After a fe...

Hey dad, is that a wiener dog on that pier?

No, that’s a dock, son.

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How do you know that you have arrived at a picnic for homosexuals?

All the wieners taste like shit.

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A guy with no arms walks into a bathroom….

So there’s a guy washing his hands and the guy with no arms says “hey man I’m a lil embarrassed, do you think you could help me out.” So he says sure, unzips the guys pants for him pulls his wiener out for him and it’s just the grossest most disgusting thing he’s ever seen, it’s all red and has open...

Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog?

Because he was told to get a long little doggie.

Why did the cowboy want to buy a wiener dog

So he could 'get a long little doggy'


Credit- my 12 year old daughter!

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle

As he reached for a vine, his hand slipped and fell to the jungle floor and got knocked out cold.

He woke up and realized he didn’t have any broken bones everything seemed OK, except his wiener was missing. He assumed it had fallen off and one of the jungle creatures ran off with it.

H...

Do you sell hot dogs?

Because you sure know how to make a wiener stand.

Why will only Dachshunds be remembered ?

Because History is written by the wieners.

If my wiener was a mountain...

It be Mount Saint Helens

Why can’t witches have babies?

Their husbands have hollow wieners!

Come on, better than why can’t fortune tellers have babies, Their husbands have crystal balls!

When I was born god asked me if I wanted a good memory or a huge wiener.

I can't remember what I picked...

My son wrote a short fairy tale about a prince who became a princess

He named it Once Upon a Wiener

(True story)

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A guy walked into a bar with a small alligator...

...and walked up to the bartender to ask for a drink.

The bartender notices him walking towards him and says, "Whoawhoawhoa, is that a crocodile?"

To which the guy responded, "Well, its an alligator, but yeah."

"That thing cannot be in here."

"Why not?"

"Well, its ...

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The student is having sex with his professor's hot wife.

Suddenly, "knock knock" to the door. Wife - "Oh fuck, it's my husband!" The student in panic rushes to the balcony of 10th floor appartment. There is no place to hide there. "I am totally fucked!!! And it's too high to climb out!" the student thinks. Suddenly a voice from the sky "Pull your your pen...

An Irish pirate with a 12 inch wiener walks into a bar

and the bartender says "I don't even know how to label you!"

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

  
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

The Democrats are having trouble gaining traction for any of their candidates, so

They have asked Anthony Wiener to run for President and he would have Eric Holder as his VP.


They say it's the Wiener-Holder ticket. They will beat the competition, be hard on crime, and get a grip on the big issues.


They will get to meat of it all.

A drunk guy walks out of a bar..

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the ...

Roses are red,

Grass is greener,

When I'm with you,

I play with my wiener.

How did the hotdog get the job despite having a criminal record?

It was a misde-wiener

A German, an Italian and a Newfie are sitting on a steel girder...

...hundreds of feet above the ground, having lunch. The German opens up his lunch box and lets out a groan. "Mein Gott!" he says. "Not wiener schnitzel again! I'm so sick of wiener schnitzel, if I ever have to eat wiener schnitzel for lunch again I'm going to throw myself from this girder."

T...

I had just stuck my wiener into some golden buns when I realized...

I forgot a condiment.

Jen and I are going to a party.

Outside of the house there's a naked guy running around with his wiener flying everywhere. We walk in and start talking to everyone.

"You would not believe what we just saw."

"Well what was it?"

"Jen'll tell ya."

GF: Are you seriously going to open the blinds naked?

ME: yes, I feel like if people put enough effort to look through hundreds of hotel windows, then they deserve to get a prize.

GF: oh! like "You sir just earned yourself a wiener view"

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There's a penis beauty competition taking place in New York. The total prize pool is $10,000.

Wiener takes all.

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A father takes his son to the doctor...

After a brief wait, the concerned father brings his son into the examination room, pulls down his pants, points at the kids wiener, and exclaims "DOCTOR!!! IS IT NORMAL FOR A 3 YEAR OLD TO HAVE A FULLY DEVELOPED ADULT SIZED PENIS?!?!?"

The doctor looks down at it and says "It's only an inch a...

Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?

He ate a 7 year old wiener.

[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"

Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"

Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.

Little Joe: "Granddad...

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A boy and his grandpa

One day a boy’s grandpa was watching TV and drinking a beer.

He sat down and asked if he could have some of the beer.

“Is your wiener long enough to touch your butthole?”
“Nope.”

“Then you’re too young to share my beer,” his grandpa chuckled

A couple of weeks later...

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A wife tried to cut her husbands penis off but only stabbed him in the thigh.

She was charged with a misde-wiener

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Vodoo Dick

A woman complains to her friend that she hasn't been laid in years and she feels so lonely. Her friend suggests that she visit the Haitian store and she will get help. The woman is curious so she goes to the store and bashfully explains her situation to the store owner. He pulls out a wooden phallus...

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What’s the difference between jam and jelly?

I can’t jelly my wiener in your butt

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Two friends are having their weekly beer in a bar NSFW

They talk about everything, so it's only a matter of time before one of them asks the other:

"So, how's the sex been lately?"

"Terrible" says the other. "Every time my wife and I hook up, she loses her attention!"

"Well," said the first guy, "I remember having that problem with...

Did you guys see the movie about the hotdog?

It was an Oscar Wiener

A little boy and girl are playing together in a bathtub...

The girl asks: "Can I touch your wiener?"

The boy replies: "NO WAY, you've already ripped yours off!"

Sally's Mommy is smart (marginally NSFW)

Little Sally and Little Johnny are playing in the sandbox one day.

Johnny looks at Sally and for whatever reason decides he wants to play a game with Sally.

So he gets her attention and suddenly pulls up his shirt. And then, pointing to each nipple, he announces "I have one of THESE ...

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Medical Humor

1...A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
...

Wanna hear about the time I got kicked out of school?

Everyone knows that kindergarteners are very curious. So back in the day I was peeing at a urinal, and Timmy comes up to me and says, "Whoa, your wiener is huge!"
I thought nothing of it at the time. But when we got back to class, Timmy started telling everyone. Within the hour they wanted to see...

One day, Hot Dog Bun Boy came home from school...

His mother saw him come in looking pretty glum and asked, "What's the matter Hot Dog Bun Boy? Did something happen?"

Hot Dog Bun Boy replied, "I was in my history class and it's so frustrating that there are no lessons at all about Hot Dog Buns like us! It's so unfair!"

The mother cam...

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A man goes up to the counter to order a Polish sausage.

The cashier asks, “Hey, are you polish?”

The man then responds, “You think I’m polish just because I ordered a Polish sausage? If I ordered a wiener schnitzel would you think I’m German? If I ordered sushi would you think I’m Japanese? If I ordered Pizza would you think I’m Italian?”

T...

What do you get when you cross a Dachshund with a Pit Bull?

A Wiener-Pit, just like your mom.

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Oprah Winfrey goes to therapy

Oprah was suffering from quite a bit of stress so she decided it would be best to see a therapist. After multiple visits, she felt like the treatment wasn’t working as well as she hoped. So during the next appointment, she told her therapist “How about instead of talking, we just have sex? I think t...

What happened when the sausage came in first?

An announcer said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a wiener!"

A German man was hitting on my sister-in-law...

I told her "He wants to put his wiener in your schnitzel."

She replied "Not happening, I guess he'll be stroganoff."

The Sleeping Scotsman

A Scotsman decides one day he'd pass the time by walking the countryside. After a couple of hours, he comes to the top of a hill and sees a road down below him.


"I don't remember there being a road here. I must be more lost than I thought!"


Before trying to trek his way back ...

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Why was the empty penis so scary?

Because it was a hollow wiener (halloweener)

[works better spoken - I think - just made it up in the shower]

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Girl Walks Into the Living-room and Asks Here Dad If She Can Borrow The Car.

The dad looks at her, points to his wiener and says, "you know the routine."

So, she gets on her knees and begins reluctantly.

After just a few seconds she stops in disgust,
"Jesus Christ dad your dick taste like shit."

Dad looks at his daughter in realization,
"Dammit, I...

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Costume Party

A few years back I threw a costume party at my house. It was really fun to see all my friends dressed up silly. There was a cowboy, a gorilla, a nurse, a bum, you know, all the standard outfits one would expect. Everyone was having a great time when the doorbell rang, I went to the door and opened i...

What did the hot dog say when it crossed the finish line?

"I'm a wiener!"

Why do so many guys spit in urinals?

Just seems weird that there are that many dudes who salivate at the sight of a wiener.

Two Hunters

A classic...

Two hunters are out shooting turkey. One of them takes a leak, and gets bitten by a big black rattlesnake. The other hunter shoots the snake, but is too late: his friend got deeply bit on his wiener.

So, he calls 911 and proceeds to explain the situation: "my friend got b...

2.00$

Two guys want to really have a night of fun but between them they only have 2.00$ so Guy 1 thinks he has a brilliant idea
Guy 1: I know how we can have a fun night of drinking on our 2.00$

Guy 2: O really how are we gonna do that?

Guy 1: See that hotdog vendor over there? Well we wi...

What happens when you take a Daschund from its mother?

You wiener away....

Ok, I'll leave now.

Does anyone have a recipe for sausage and apples?

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted tonight and she said she could use a wiener in cider.

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A boy sees his grandfather enjoying a beer

The boy asks, "Can I have some of your beer?" The grandfather replies, "It depends... can you fit your own wiener in your butt?". The boy walked away figuring that what just his way of saying no.

The following day, the boy sees his grandfather eating a cookie so the boy asks "Can I have a coo...

Funniest Doctor Joke I've read in years (supposedly true):

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB-GYN,

I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...
To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out...

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Just heard this better version of a classic...

A guy and a gal hit it off at the bar. One thing leads to another and they end up back at his place.

The gal is impressed. This guy is a total catch. Professional triathlete, nice house, well spoken and chivalrous. Best of all: no tattoos. This gal hates tattoos.

Well, one thing lead...

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Boy and his grandpa are fishing

A grandpa took his grandson fishing. A while in the grandpa takes out a cigar and starts smoking. The little kid asks if he can have one too and the grandpa says, "does your wiener touch your butt?" To which the kid responds no, then the grandpa says "that's too bad, then no".

Later on the g...

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