I found a way to make cured sausage halal for Muslims to eat.

I offered it to an Imam for testing. He takes a bite and says "Ah, Salami okay, yum!"

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(The joke from "The Breakfast Club" that was never finished.) A naked woman walks into a bar with a female poodle under one arm and a six-foot salami under the other.

The bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink," to which the woman responds, "I sure as hell do, after what happened to me." The bartender, of course, asks what happened, and the woman says, "My boyfriend and I went up to my room when he said that he would pound his favorite bitch with...

I'm concerned I might forget to take my salami box with me to work.

That would be a wurst case scenario.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sa...

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

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A man at the zoo is watching the Gorillas

A big silverback is right up to the edge of the cage, and the man goes over to it.

He scratches his head and, to his surprise, the gorilla does the same. The man sees this and then scratches his armpit. Again the gorilla does the same. The man beats his chest, and again, the gorilla does ...

A salami goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him "Sorry, I can't help you, ..."

"... you're already cured."

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Two men want to get drunk...

But only have 10 dollars on them. The first guy turns to his friend and says, "I have an idea! Let's go to the deli and buy a salami." The friend is confused but goes along with the plan. They head to the deli, buy the salami and finally head to the bar. They start drinking beer after beer and befor...

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Johnny [NSFW]

A guy was watching the game. His wife storms the room and starts yelling at him how he had to go to the butcher’s to get some meat cuts.
Swearing through his teeth, the guy goes to the butcher. On the way there he hears a couple older ladies talking with a lot of grief in their voice how “Johnny...

Where do South Africans buy their pastrami and salami?

At the Nelson Mandeli.

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The Queen of England Was on a Tour...

...at one of America's finest hospitals when she passed a ward and spotted a male patient stroking the salami.

"My word, if that isn't the repulsive thing I've ever seen!" she gasped.

"I'm terribly sorry, Your Majesty," the doctor leading the tour said, "this patient has a serious cond...

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I was just wondering how different professions have given us words and phrases that mean sex, sexual positions or related to sex

Carpenter or other handy man - screw, bang, pound, nail, lay, grease, hose, pile, hammer, pipe

Sportsmen - score, hit, home run, game, ball, balls deep, knock it out

zookeeper or animal lover - hump, bone, beast, doggy style, monkey love, ram, raw dog

singers and other musical -...

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Last request

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...


If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbo...

I decided to go vegan after visiting the meat production factory.

The livestock conditions were appalling.
The process involving production of Meatballs and Salami was bad.
But wait till you see the one of German sausage. It was the wurst.

Edit : Sweden has already decided to bring in regulations. I'd say they are ahead of the korv.

What did the Italian Meat say after paying for everyone's food?

'Salami

As a good deed, I carried an old lady's groceries home today.

The salami was good, but I didn't like the instant soups.

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A local expert from the food industry goes on a knowledge exchange trip to Japan

He is visiting a fully automated factory for salami. There is a japanese personnel from the factory that leads the tour and shows how from one end they put a pig and from the other end of the factory a salami comes out. The local guy tries to be smart asking:

\- And is it possible the other w...

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A young woman goes to the supermarket, picks all her groceries, [offensive to some]

goes to the register and gives all her wares to the guy in the counter who scans it all. It’s one bread, one toothbrush, one toothpaste, one pack of salami, one apple, one banana, one bottle of milk and one small cheese. The guy behind the counter goes: «Let me guess: You’re single?» The woman sarca...

This happened at the Deli counter today...real life joke

Me (at the deli counter): I'd like some salami please, about a pound, sliced thin?

DeliGirl: Genoa salami?

Me: Yeah, I know a couple.

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A guy goes to the doctor for his test results...

The doc pulls out the patient’s file and says “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

The guy sighs and says, “Well, what’s the bad news?”

“You’ve been eating so much salami, pepperoni, corned beef, bacon, chorizo and prosciutto that you’ve developed a very rare fatal disease.”

“Wha...

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A man visits his doctor...

and asks him how to improve his sexual performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests masturbating a couple of hours before a sexual encounter.

After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't ris...

What's What?

A man walks into a butcher and asks for "Two pounds of Turkey, one pound of Salami and three pounds of what's what." The butcher replies, " I can give you the first two, but I've never heard of what's what." The man replies, "OK" and left.

The man walks in the second day and says "Three poun...

I was addicted to lunch meats, but I quit cold turkey.

I'm still hooked on salami and roast beef though.

A bunch of sausages are smoking around a poker table

A bunch of sausages are smoking around a poker table. Suddenly the door slams open and a salami walks in.


"You look parched my friend, would you like a drink?" Asks one of the sausages.


"No thankyou" says the salami "I don't drink".


"Join us for a smoke then" replies...

This sub is the best.

It has salami, pepperoni, lettuce, black olives, green peppers, provolone cheese, and oil. 10/10

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NSFW My son in law...

a deli owner is also a very proud father of a daughter. His daughter is the first in the family to be accepted into an ivy league university, not bad for people who live above their deli. The only thing he worries about is his daughter can't seem to find a man.

One night he hears a sound do...

A man started a deli business.

Before long, word spread of his delicious meats and his business flourished.
One day, an employee screamed from the back storage room. The owner darted into the room and was shocked to find a stray feline snacking on some salami from a high shelf. The cashier ran up beside him and asked, "What o...

A Guy Walks into a Sandwich Shop

A guy walks into a sandwich shop on his lunch hour. There is no one behind the counter, so he has a bit more time than normal to look at the menu board. Trying to decide what he wants, he reads down the list:

Salami : $5
Roast beef: $4.50
Ham on Rye: $4.50
Hand Jobs: $5

Wait,...

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