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Salami Jokes

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Two men want to get drunk...

But only have 10 dollars on them. The first guy turns to his friend and says, "I have an idea! Let's go to the deli and buy a salami." The friend is confused but goes along with the plan. They head to the deli, buy the salami and finally head to the bar. They start drinking beer after beer and befor...

Why did the salami fill out a police report?

Because it was a salted meat.

I decided to slap the salami today because I was bored

Needless to say I was fired from my job at the butcher shop for forgetting to wear gloves

Why did the kid throw salami out the window?

He wanted to see the meatier shower.

What did the salami say to the sausage?

You’re the wurst.

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

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Please explain this joke to me - naked lady walks into a bar

“A naked blond walks into a bar carrying a poodle in one arm and a 2-foot salami in the other. She lays both on the table. The bartender says ‘I suppose you won’t be needing a drink.’ The naked lady says… ‘oh shit!'”

What the heck does this even mean?

A guy walks in a small town grocery store

He proceeds to ask the seller:

"Do you have camembert cheese?"

To which the seller asks:

"What is camembert cheese? Never heard of it before."

Arrogantly, our guy says:

"Well, it's a soft cheese with white mould on top, it's a delicacy."

Seller ponders a bit...

What makes a salami excited?

When the ham is cured!

For a moment there, I was really worried about salami...

Thank God they found a cure.

I'm concerned I might forget to take my salami box with me to work.

That would be a wurst case scenario.

Where do South Africans buy their pastrami and salami?

At the Nelson Mandeli.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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The submarine sandwich shop by my work had moved to a new location and was replaced with an adult sex shop.

I didn't realize it until one day I walked in and asked for a 12-inch salami on an Italian.

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A man at the zoo is watching the Gorillas

A big silverback is right up to the edge of the cage, and the man goes over to it.

He scratches his head and, to his surprise, the gorilla does the same. The man sees this and then scratches his armpit. Again the gorilla does the same. The man beats his chest, and again, the gorilla does ...

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A German, a Englishman and a south african are colleges.

They have a lunch break and each open their lunch packages. The German has bread with salami, he complains, "every damn day my wife gives me a bread witch salami, I am sick of this"!

The Englishman has bread with cheese, he complains, "every damn day my wife gives me a bread with cheese, I am...

A bunch of sausages are smoking around a poker table

A bunch of sausages are smoking around a poker table. Suddenly the door slams open and a salami walks in.


"You look parched my friend, would you like a drink?" Asks one of the sausages.


"No thankyou" says the salami "I don't drink".


"Join us for a smoke then" replies...

I found a way to make cured sausage halal for Muslims to eat.

I offered it to an Imam for testing. He takes a bite and says "Ah, Salami okay, yum!"

The end to The Breakfast Club joke: "A Naked lady walks into a bar..."

Found it [here](http://www.yelp.com/topic/garden-city-finished-benders-joke-in-the-breakfast-club)

>A naked lady walks into a bar carrying a poodle in one hand and a three foot salami in the other...
>
>Bartender says "well I guess you won't be needing a drink"...
>
&g...

This happened at the Deli counter today...real life joke

Me (at the deli counter): I'd like some salami please, about a pound, sliced thin?

DeliGirl: Genoa salami?

Me: Yeah, I know a couple.

A salami goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him "Sorry, I can't help you, ..."

"... you're already cured."

As a good deed, I carried an old lady's groceries home today.

The salami was good, but I didn't like the instant soups.

What did the Italian Meat say after paying for everyone's food?

'Salami

What's What?

A man walks into a butcher and asks for "Two pounds of Turkey, one pound of Salami and three pounds of what's what." The butcher replies, " I can give you the first two, but I've never heard of what's what." The man replies, "OK" and left.

The man walks in the second day and says "Three poun...

I decided to go vegan after visiting the meat production factory.

The livestock conditions were appalling.
The process involving production of Meatballs and Salami was bad.
But wait till you see the one of German sausage. It was the wurst.

Edit : Sweden has already decided to bring in regulations. I'd say they are ahead of the korv.

Boy was I confused when I tried Grindr.

I was looking for sandwiches but all I found was a lot of salami.

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A man visits his doctor...

and asks him how to improve his sexual performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests masturbating a couple of hours before a sexual encounter.

After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't ris...

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A guy goes to the doctor for his test results...

The doc pulls out the patient’s file and says “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

The guy sighs and says, “Well, what’s the bad news?”

“You’ve been eating so much salami, pepperoni, corned beef, bacon, chorizo and prosciutto that you’ve developed a very rare fatal disease.”

“Wha...

I was addicted to lunch meats, but I quit cold turkey.

I'm still hooked on salami and roast beef though.

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A young woman goes to the supermarket, picks all her groceries, [offensive to some]

goes to the register and gives all her wares to the guy in the counter who scans it all. It’s one bread, one toothbrush, one toothpaste, one pack of salami, one apple, one banana, one bottle of milk and one small cheese. The guy behind the counter goes: «Let me guess: You’re single?» The woman sarca...

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The Queen of England Was on a Tour...

...at one of America's finest hospitals when she passed a ward and spotted a male patient stroking the salami.

"My word, if that isn't the repulsive thing I've ever seen!" she gasped.

"I'm terribly sorry, Your Majesty," the doctor leading the tour said, "this patient has a serious cond...

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A woman goes to the grocery store

A woman goes to the grocery store. It's a regular Saturday afternoon. At the end of the shopping she goes to the cashier.

She puts following items on the conveyor belt: pepper, cucumber, salami, ham, cheese and Oreos.

The cashier scanns the items and asks: "madam, are you single?".
...

This sub is the best.

It has salami, pepperoni, lettuce, black olives, green peppers, provolone cheese, and oil. 10/10

A man started a deli business.

Before long, word spread of his delicious meats and his business flourished.
One day, an employee screamed from the back storage room. The owner darted into the room and was shocked to find a stray feline snacking on some salami from a high shelf. The cashier ran up beside him and asked, "What o...

A Guy Walks into a Sandwich Shop

A guy walks into a sandwich shop on his lunch hour. There is no one behind the counter, so he has a bit more time than normal to look at the menu board. Trying to decide what he wants, he reads down the list:

Salami : $5
Roast beef: $4.50
Ham on Rye: $4.50
Hand Jobs: $5

Wait,...

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Last request

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...


If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbo...

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