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Barbecue Jokes

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

I was at a family barbecue yesterday night and my great grandma started giggling.

When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

What do you call a FBI barbecue party

A steak out

What do you call a man & woman with no arms or legs sitting on a barbecue grill?

Frank & Patty.

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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

What do religious dads do at barbecues?

They speak in tongs.

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Making pizza is a lot like having sex...

If you’re going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what you’re doing.

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Four buddies are standing around a barbecue...

They are all married and somehow the conversation shifts to how often each of them gets to have sex with their wives.

The first guy looks at his shoes and mutters “my wife only lets me have sex with her on the first Friday on the month.”

The next guy pipes up, “my wife and I have sex ...

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Why isn't Hitler invited to the barbecue?

Because he always burns the franks

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

Gambling is like a dwarf at a barbecue...

...The stakes are always just too high

What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue?

Sheesh kebabs

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

What do you call a big ape that likes to barbecue?

A grilla’

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The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked...

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the
entire length looking for a seat.

There seemed to be one
next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there,
he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-weary
Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have tha...

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My girlfriend was disgusted when she found out I masturbate with barbecue sauce as lube. I asked her what I should use instead...

She recommended I start with a dry rub.

What does a cannibal bring to a barbecue? (OC)

Brats!

A bunch of scientists got together one day for a barbecue...

...and were cooking up sausages, but they were one short. They looked in the cooler, the fridge, everywhere they could think to look, but science still has yet to find the missing link.

A monastery has a barbecue

It is usually prohibited for monks to eat meat, but the abbot one day realised that most monks had rarely eaten meat in their lifetime in the first place.

He decided that it would better for them to indulge in the taste and then learn to stave of the temptation of later consumption, so that ...

What do you call a Jewish minister that barbecues?

A Ribeye.

What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?

A Barbecue.

What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut and then stepping back when the door opens…

A receding hair line.

A guy dies and wakes up on a beach.

Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbecues everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a ...

Me and my wife moved to a new neighbourhood and the new neighbours invited us over to a barbecue.

We had a nice meat and great.

George Takei, George Clooney, George Lucas, and George R.R. Martin decided to have a barbecue.

They named their little get-together the "George" Four-Man Grill.

When finally the quarantaine is over and you have the following options: A. Going on vacation with your wife. B. Having a barbecue with your friends. What would you choose?

Spareribs or hamburgers?

I'm thinking of starting a group for barbecue chicken enthusiasts.

Hmu if you'd like to join the 'Cue Clucks Clan.

A bunch of nature television stars decide to have a barbecue.

Steve Irwin and Crocodile Dundee were talking. Crocodile Dundee asks, “Mate, there aren’t many people here, what’s everybody doing?” Steve Irwin says, “ Your washing plates and I’m setting the table.” Crocodile Dundee replies, “And who is that guy and what does he do?” Steve Irwin simply says, “Oh, ...

Why was the computer nerd sad that there weren't any barbecues with wifi?

Because there aren't any grills on the internet.

How to call a line of people waiting to buy the new Barbie doll at a toy store?

Barbecue

I was at a barbecue party when a cow from a nearby farm charged me and chased me into a corner

It was at that moment I realized my life was at steak

You Might be a Redneck Jedi If…

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya’ll."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a...

Only in America

A European Count who had a fascination with the American West, arranged for a trip to a Texas town named Outlaw. Outlaw was small but didn't know it and the town fathers were determined to impress the Count with their worldliness. They arranged to have the local orchestra perform Beethoven's Ninth...

My family and I were at a friend's house for a barbecue when it started to rain.

Our son commented, "The rain is wet."
My friend laughed and said, "Wow, talk about stating the obvious!"
"He's always doing that," my wife said. "I don't know who he gets it from..." she laughed, pointing in my direction.
After a few seconds, I turned to my friend and said, "He gets i...

Do you remember that barbecue?

You know, the one where I put my meat on your grill?

A group of animal rights activists attempted to poison a barbecue

However, the poison didn't work. Should have tested it on animals.

At the office barbecue, I grilled a medium rare steak for my boss, and he said, “I like it well done!”

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

A bartender walks into a bar

The bartender says to the bartender

“Welcome to my bar fellow bartender, what can I get you? Some bar food perhaps?”

To which the bartender replied

“I’ll have a steak bar the barbecue sauce.” Said the bartender

The bartender, a little offended that the bartender barred t...

At a crowded garden party.

So, a couple years back, I was at a pretty fancy outdoors party. It seemed like the whole town was there. But the atmosphere was nice, and the local band played some good music, so I enjoyed myself.

I thought I'd like a nice cold beer in the warm weather, so I went over to the bar. As I appro...

A couple cannibals meet one day

A couple cannibals meet one day and the first cannibal says, "You known, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked them, roasted them, stewed them and barbecued them. I've tried every sort of marinade and I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibals asks, "What...

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Ashley was a sorority girl at a New York college.

During Spring Break, she planned a trip to Texas. She told her sorority sisters that she had three goals: to eat real Texas barbecue, to see a real rodeo, and to have sex with a real cowboy.

When she returned from her trip, she told her sisters all about it. One asked if she had eaten real...

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So 3 men went to a hotel

They each stayed in 3 separate rooms
One stayed at the top floor
One stayed in the middle floor
And one Stayed in the bottom floor.
On the checkout:

Counter:
"How was your stay sir?"

Man 1:
"Horrible! I dropped my shaver off the balcony!"

Counter:
"How was y...

So a guy goes to the dentist

He tells the dentist my left tooth hurts.
The dentist said sorry but there's no cure for that so you'll have to eat the other side. Later that day he goes to a barbecue, he gets a sausage goes to the bathroom and locks himself. His friends walk past the door and hear moaning, they ask him what's...

Cinema food

Got kicked out of the cinema today just because I took my own food! My argument was the prices they charge there are outrageous, and besides I haven't had a barbecue for ages...

BBQ joke (OC)

“Mmmmmmm. This all reminds me of Fred. His motto was, “Low and slow.”

“He was seriously into barbecue, huh?”

“No, unfortunately, he was a pilot “

Civil engineer goes to Hell

A civil engineer dies and goes to Hell by accident. According to policy, all civil engineers go to Heaven but a mistake was made this time. The engineer descends to Hell and he finds the situation miserable. Too much heat, fires, lava, vapor, and everyone is in panic mode. So he goes to have a littl...

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What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

What do you call a Barbie on fire?

A Barbecue!







Be gentle. First post. And I remember making this up on a long car ride when I was just 4:)

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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Two Middle Eastern men move to the United States.

After receiving dirty looks, and rude comments day after day, they soon figure out that they needed to "Americanize" themselves in order to fit in. Both men part ways on their journey to become Americans. The men do not see each other for five years, until one day they happen to bump into each other...

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This guy dies and goes to hell

Arriving there, he gets really sad because he didn't expect eternal suffering.
As the devil is receiving him, he asks:
- why are you sad?
The guy replies:
- because now I'll suffer for eternity.
- Relax! - the devil says. - this place ain't as bad as they say. Listen, do you like alc...

They threw me out of the cinema today...

They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.

I was wakened at 3am by a crashing noise...

I went down the stairs, cricket bat in hand, only to come face to face with an intruder stepping through my front door. He was armed with a crowbar but a swift crack of the willow round his head dropped him and he was spark out for enough time for me to grab a short length of rope. After hog-tying h...

I know she wanted to be cremated, and I know she didn't want a formal funeral...

...But was a "Family Barbecue" really the best idea?

What did one termite say to another in a burning building?

"Barbecue tonight!"

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You know you're a Minnesotan Abroad if

You get weird looks if you ask for your pizza to be cut into squares.

You've gotten strange looks when you whipped out your Super America fuel card, your TCF Bank debit card, your Dunn Brothers gift card, or White Castle refillable cup at a gas station.

You're the only one in a t-shirt...

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What did the black kid get on his SAT?

Barbecue sauce

A skydiver jumps from a plane

but nothing happens when he pulls his rip-cord. He pulls the cord on his secondary chute, but this too is broken. As he is hurdling toward the earth, he sees a man coming straight up toward him. ‘Hey!’ shouts the skydiver. ‘Know anything about parachutes?!’ ‘No!’ shouts the man. ‘Know anything abo...

Funny Story

As the coals from our barbecue burned down...
... our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, ...

Easter Joke

So three brothers die together, on Easter Sunday. All three then arrive at the pearly gates and meet Saint Peter.

"Well, none of you have been that good. But none of you have been that bad either," Saint Peter says, looking over the story and deeds of their lives. "I'll tell you what. Seeing...

So farmer Bob had a rivalry with farmer Jim.

They were both cattle farmers but Jim's herd was much larger and fatter, and his meat went for much more money. So bob started looking for a way to bulk up his cows. He started experimenting. Eventually he discovered that feeding them marijuana made them grow exponentially, while also making them mo...

What does an abortion doctor bring to a barbecue?

Baby backs.

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Will I make it to 85?

On his 70th birthday a man retired and moved to Florida to enjoy his golden years. Settling in, he found a new doctor. At his first wellness exam the doctor told him,

“You’re doing reasonably well for your age.”

A little concerned by the comment, the man pushed further, “Will I make i...

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Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

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A man walks into a restaurant

A man walks into a restaurant at lunchtime and is accosted by three women by the door - one Chinese, one Japanese and one Korean.

"Hey guy! Try the barbecue pork fried rice! Number one dish!" proclaims the Chinese woman.

"No no, you want the unagi udon! Best taste!" yells the Japanes...

An American bloke goes on holiday to England.

On his return, he's telling his pal all about it.

"I was coming out of a shop one day and it was raining hard outside, so I took shelter in a doorway.

Another feller was sheltering too, and he turned to me and he said, "Nice weather". Well, of course it wasn't nice weather at all. In...

Fast thinking old man

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over...

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