I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

Smoking will kill you ...

Bacon will kill you...

But, smoking bacon will cure it.

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

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If you masturbate while smoking marijuana...

Is it called masturblazing or weed-whacking?

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have anoth...

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

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I recently went to get hypnosis therapy for smoking. I was under his control and everything was going great.

Until he stubbed his toe and yelled “fuck me!”

A man saw his friend smoking two cigarettes at the same time

He asked him “why you smoking two?”
He reply’s, “I smoke one for me and one for my brother because he is in prison”
A week after he saw him again, but he smoking only one.
He ask “oh did your brother get out??”
He reply’s “no I quit smoking”

I’ve decided to quit smoking cold turkey

I only smoke cigarettes now

What do you call an Apple pie that's smoking a joint?

A baked apple pie!

People keep saying smoking gives you diseases....

But how can they say that if it cures salmon?

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

What do you call a smoking piece with nothing in it?

DMT Pipe

Why is smoking good for the environment?

Because it kills humans

My grandma quit smoking.

And we got a nice little urn for her.

Smoking promotes weight loss

..eventually

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A monkey is sitting on a riverbank, smoking weed.

A frog, swimming by, gets a whiff and makes a beeline to the shore:

'Hey dude! Mind if I take a puff?'

'Get out of town,' says the monkey. 'You're so small you'll be off your face after the first hit.'

'Oh come on, just a little bit! I've always wanted to try it.'

'Well, ...

Three kids are smoking behind the bike sheds at school!

Kid 1: "My Dad can blow smoke through his nose!"
Kid 2: "Yeah, well my Dad can blow smoke through his ears!"
Kid 3: "That's nothing, my Dad can blow smoke through his ass!!" I've seen the nicotine stains in his underpants!

What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and use some lubricant.

Ex called to say the Dr wants her to quit smoking because of her heart and lungs.

Me: What one did he say is blacker?

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain

One of the ladies reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom.

"Helen! What in the world is that for?!" says the other lady.

"Well, just watch this" Helen says before she cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette. "This way they don't get soggy!"

The second old lady is p...

I think my dog's been smoking pot.

Just the other day I told him to play dead and he said "Nah man play Skynyrd!"

Two elderly women are walking down the street smoking cigarettes and it begins to rain

One of the elderly ladies puts her cigarette out and the other woman goes into her purse and pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors. She unwraps the condom and cuts it in half with the scissors. She takes the closed end of it, places it over her cigarette to stay dry and continues smoking.
...

If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,

what does smoking Marijuana do?

My father caught me smoking a Marlboro when I was 12, and he beat me senseless.

Really taught me a lesson on brand loyalty.

A monkey was smoking weed

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the \*\*best weed in the world\*\*. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs ...

Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.

For example, just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.

Today I read about the dangers of smoking, drinking, and taking other drugs.

I have now decided to stop reading.

Quitting smoking is easy

I’ve done it many times

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30 minutes looking for my phone under the bed.

while using my phone’s flashlight.

If your girlfriend starts smoking...

...I would highly advise slowing down and using some lube

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

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My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

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A man was outside smoking a cigarette when a young lady walked up to him.

The young lady says
“You know those will kill you right”
The man says
“Maybe, but my grandmother lived to be 98 years old”
The young lady, blown away by this statement says;
“And she smoked?!”
The man says;
“No, but she minded her own fucking business”

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another.

A lady walking by notices him and says, "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"


"That's OK," says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a computer programmer."


"So? What's that got to do with anything?"

...

I recently quit smoking meth

I've been having vivid dreams of using again. the upside is it's a free high with no real life consequences, the down side is, now I'm addicted to sleep.

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NSFW What does smoking and eating pussy have in common?

Eventually you get to the butt

Who says it`s hard to quit smoking?

I quit 5 times already.

Who’s gonna win the cow weed smoking competition?

I’m not sure.... but the steaks are high

My doctor just told me, “If you don’t stop drinking and smoking pot, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat.”

It is the best day of my life.

Why did the college football team stop smoking

They lost all their matches.

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So I was smoking while on balcony. Couldn't find an ashtray, threw the butt off the window.

A little boy (maybe 10 or so) was playing down there, and cigarette landed right before his feet. So he looks up directly at me and says:
-You shouldn't throw rubbish out of your window, that's bad. If everyone stops doing that, we would live in so much better place!

That made me feel un...

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

My Grandma stopped smoking yesterday, its pretty impressive

Since i set her on fire a week ago

What do you call smoking weed on the subway?

A hot boxcar.

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Smoking sucks, so i tried to quit.

My wife and I had made a deal after we got married. We would only smoke after sex.


I haven't bought a pack since 2005


Only trouble is that she's up to three packs a day!

How do you get your wife to stop smoking?

Use lube, and go slower.

Smoking cigarettes isn't completely bad for you,

Just think, for every cigarette you smoke it takes 7 minutes off your student loans.

A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store.

He’s arrested and put in county jail.

The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell.

About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. “I assume you’re the boy’s father,” the ar...

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d rather like to give you a second chance than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

On monday, the two guys were...

Girlfriend wanted a smoking hot body.

So I cremated her.

A smoker was approached by someone who said "don't you know smoking is bad? you'll die!"

The smoker was silent for a few seconds before responding "you're right, a rooftop would be more efficient"

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My girlfriend started smoking during sex...

I guess I should start using lubricant.

I saw someone smoking the other day, nothing makes me happier than seeing the elderly smoke.

This guys was just ancient, gray, and puffing away holding himself up on a walker.

I go, “Man, you're a boss! Smoking, at your age? That’s dedication."

He replied, "What? I'm 28!”

I have finally cut down on smoking, I have one when I go to bed and one when I get up.

I have only been to bed 25 times today.

How did the pot-smoking Jedi die?

Blunt force trauma

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My wife and I made a stop smoking pact, so now we only light up after sex and I've only had six cigarettes in the last two months

my wife is up to three packs a day

A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets ...

We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”

I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”

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The rabbit(R) is sitting by the lake smoking weed, a beaver(B) is swimming by, sees the rabbit and asks

B: hey, what you got there?
R: oh, this thing is called weed and it does some insane shit. You inhale hold it, swit to the other side and exhale. It makes you feel sooooo goood.
B: lemme try
The rabbit gives him the weed, the beaver does like the rabbit said, comes out the other side of the...

A man is smoking two cigarettes at a park

Another man walks up to him and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?"

He replies: "I'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother, he is in a no-smoking prison."

Satisfied with the answer, the man walks away.

A few days pass and he sees the same man at the park, but he...

"Sir, your eyes look red." growled the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I shot back. "Have you been eating donuts?"

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why was the man flying a plane while smoking weed and masturbating?

He was highjacking!

Based on an urban myth: Two guys were smoking weed one late evening

Not being in the best state for great decisions, they figured they wanted to go for a ride to pick up some food. However, as they came to the first roundabout one guy said, let's go for an extra round. Sure, said the other and off they went.

"You know what would be even better?"

"Wh...

The secret to having a smoking hot body in old age?

Cremation.

Why is smoking illegal in the Shire?

It's a bad hobbit.

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One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes.

Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some...

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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?










Edit: Front and Gold. Thank you.

Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before.

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A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

Smoking a cigarette in a crowded room, I was a little bit worried at first when someone screamed at me, "Did you know second hand smoke is worse than smoking!?!"

But after a little thought I realized I had made the right decision.

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The panda bear and the lizard were smoking pot in a tree.

At some point the lizard gets thirsty and heads to the river for a drink. Once the lizard gets there he meets the crocodile.

" what's the matter with you ? " asks the crocodile

" I've been smoking pot with the panda bear ,_hi hi_ "

"How dare he giving you drugs ?
that bas...

What do you call a group of 13 people smoking weed?

A baked dozen.

A stoner is smoking a joint at a hostel when a German guy turns up.

The German guy speaks no English, but the stoner is feeling good so he offers the German his joint. The German takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner nods approvingly, and for some reason begins to roll another joint. He takes a puff himself, and hands it to the German, and again th...

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So I met this smoking hot lady once and after a little chat, she takes her top off

Things were going great, she let me cup her tits, but the second I started sucking on her nipples she says “I’m getting my mammogram done somewhere else”

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

An iguana walks by and joins him in a few tokes. After a few minutes the iguana gets cottonmouth and goes to get a drink from the river.

While he’s gone an alligator smells the aroma and wanders over to the tree.

The monkey looks down from his branch and yells “Holy shit! How much wa...

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A monkey is smoking weed in a tree

and an iguana comes by and sees the monkey and decides to smoke with the monkey.

A while later the iguana suffering from cotton mouth decides to go to the river to drink some water. At the river the iguana runs into an alligator. The alligator sees the Iguana and says “Hey man, whats wrong w...

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Smoking weed is giving me terrible diarrhea...

Doc told me to shit or get off the pot.

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Funny how you can get charged $250 for smoking in a hotel room...

but you can cum on everything and nobody cares.

I lost my father to smoking. If I could back in time I’d stop him from taking up the habit.

Then he wouldn’t have needed to go out for a pack of smokes and never come back.

Two women are smoking cigarettes outside...

...when all of a sudden, it starts to rain. One woman reaches into her pocketbook and pulls out a small square item. She tears it open and unfurls a condom, only to place it over her cigarette, which keeps it dry.

The other woman looks on in awe. “What is that thing? It’s genius! Normally I ...

I think smoking cigarettes has been good for me.

They convince me to go outside and get some fresh air.

What do you call a Catholic Priest that's trying to quit smoking?

A serial vapist

After extensive research FDA suggests smoking cures

Ham

I’m okay with smoking marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

Smoking

I saw a woman smoking with her baby in the car and it made me feel disgusted with the world we live in.

Who lets a woman drive?

I was expelled for smoking weed at school

All I wanted was a higher education

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Did y'all hear about that cop that got caught smoking weed and masturbating in his patrol car?

Apparently he was a high wanking officer.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...

The steaks were pretty high

Smoking the good stuff

me: "Dude, NASA faked the moon landing!"

friend: "Wait, u mean-----"

me: "Yep, the moon never landed at all, it's still out there somewhere!"

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A monkey was smoking a blunt at the top of a tree...

When a lizard walking by smells the weed. She looks up and yells "Hey Monkey! Is that you?"

The monkey looks down and says "Oh hey man, come on up and take some hits."

After climbing up, the lizard starts to toke away with the monkey when she starts to get hungry.
She takes a puff a...

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night . Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

Making pizza is like smoking weed

You need dough to get baked

My brother’s just been talked into smoking by a french exchange student.

Talk about Pierre pressure

A monkey is in a tree smoking a joint...

A monkey is in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard crawls up the branch to the money and asks "What are you doing?" The monkey responds, "Smoking a joint. Want a hit?"

The lizard takes a long drag and after a minute says "I'm so thirsty, I need to take a drink from the nearby lake." The li...

My wife told me that she’s done talking to me until I stop smoking a pack a day.

So far I’m up to 2 packs a day and getting along peacefully better than ever with her.

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