This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is eating pussy similar to smoking a cigarette?

The flavor changes as you get closer to the butt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.

Smoking bacon will cure it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.<...

Two old women are sitting on a porch smoking cigarettes.

Ask they are smoking, it begins to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets wet and goes out. As she looks at her friend, she sees something fascinating unfold.


Her friend has brought out a condom and a pair of small sewing scissors. She unrolls the condom, cuts off the end of it, and sl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do both smoking cigarettes & eating p*ssy have in common?

The flavors change when you get to the butt.

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard...

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dog quit smoking the other day

She’s been a real bitch lately.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An officer was fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating on the job.

No name was given but he was a high wanking officer..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you stop your partner from smoking in bed after sex?

Use lubricant.

Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast.

My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old ladies were smoking a cigarette while waiting for a bus. It started to rain, so one of them took out a condom from her purse..

and cut off the tip, slipped it over cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, 'Hey thats a good idea! What is it that you put over ur cigarette?' The other old lady said, "It's a condom". "A condom? Where do u get those?". The lady replied, "You can purchase them at pharmacy. ...

I've been smoking weed for most of my life, and today I quit cold turkey.

I'll make do with the much cheaper chicken cold cuts and put the extra money towards buying more weed.

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

If smoking marijuana causes short term memory loss

Than what does smoking marijuana do?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After sex, my girlfriend started smoking.

I should have probably used lubricant.

I quit smoking and I'm using gum as an alternative...

It sure is hard to keep lit.

People say smoking is bad for you.

All I know is when I smoke, my brisket tastes amazing!

My grandma said that she quit smoking weed

Me: Why?

Grandma: My Cholesterol is getting too high

Dont you hate it when your driving along smoking

and you flick you cigarette out the window, a few miles on you smell something funny and sure enough, grandma is fingering herself again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Honey, what would you do if I started smoking after sex? (NSFW)

An old man and am old woman are sitting outside on the porch enjoying the evening breeze. The old woman looks over at her husband and says,

"Honey, what would you do if I started smoking after sex?"

The old man looks over at his wife and raises an eyebrow,

"Well I'd slow down an...

An Orangutan Is smoking a joint on a tree when a lizard walks by...

The lizard asks: "Hey Orangutan what are you doing?"
"Smoking a joint"
"Ooooh can I have a puff???"
And the Orangutan: "Absolutely not, you're so small you couldn't possibly handle It"
"Cmon please Orangutan just one!"
"Alright! But don't make me regret It"
After smoking the lizard...

Yesterday, the custodian pulled me aside as I was leaving the office and asked me to smoke a joint with her.

She’s smoking hot, but I had to say no because I refuse to be around high maintenance women.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little John...

What should you do if your sister starts smoking?

Slow down & apply some lubricant

There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together

They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?

He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.

After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?

He said: no, I stopped smoking.

What did the Chinese vocalist do after smoking some marijuana?

He Shanghai.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. A guy is trying to quit smoking

He tries out nicotine patches and they work great. He goes into a public restroom and sees another guy at the urinal with the same brand patch on his dick. He asks the man "Does that actually work?"

The man looks at him and replies, "Yes! Im down to two butts a day!"

I saw a sign that said no smoking in the cinema.

After two minutes I stepped outside and said to the assistant, "There's a guy in there smoking a cigarette."



"OK," he replied, following me in. "Let me have a look."



"There he is," I pointed, "you've got to caution him or something."



The assistant stopped...

100% effective method on quitting smoking

1. Start quitting
2. Quit starting

Two dudes are smoking pot

One tells another:

-Dude, I think this pot is making me stupid, I should quit.

Second guy responds:

-No, dude it's the other way round, you're becoming smarter and realising that you're an idiot.

The joke is originally in Georgian, this is a translation.

I was grilling yesterday but then the meat started smoking

Stakes were high

Paying tax is like smoking crack

I can quit any time I want

Dad: a little birdie told me you are smoking weed.

Son: so now you are talking to birds and I am the one supposed to be smoking weed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lizard and a monkey smoke some weed

After a long day of surving in the African bush, Monkey and Lizard are chilling in a tree smoking a fat bush blunt. After a while Lizard tells monkey he needs a drink and goes down to the river. He bends down to take a sip and being stoned to his little lizard bones, he fell in the river and starte...

A recent study has shown that Marijuana smoking can cause hypersalivation in some people.

When asked what could be done about it, a doctor was quoted as saying “You can either spit, or get off the pot.”

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said:...

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you masturbate while smoking Marijuana...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

People say smoking can cause diseases

But then how does it cure salmon?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

What did the egg say after smoking a joint?

Omlit

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

Classic joke from Norm MacDonald: I quit smoking and nothing much is different. Except I can taste my food. I went to a friend's place for dinner and I was like... What's this zingy, zangy thing you're serving me here? Never tasted anything so zingy and zangy.

... A boiled potato, eh? Huh.

My uncle stopped smoking because of coronavirus

RIP uncle Jim.

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

Guess who stopped smoking this morning?

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever been driving down the highway smoking a cigarette

and you throw the butt out the window and a couple minutes later you smell something so you turn around and look in the back seat to find your grandmother fingering herself?

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

How do you stop a child from smoking?

Get it out of the oven in time.

It's easy to quit smoking:

I already did it three times!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grandson sees his grandpas drinking a beer and asks “grandpa can I have some of that” grandpa replies

“Can your dick touch your ass?”

“Well no not yet” says the grandson

“Ask again when it can” the grandpas says!
Later that day the young boy sees his grandpas smoking a cig
“hey grandpa can I smoke some of that” he asks

The grandpas asks him “can your dick touch your ass y...

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A message for all the weed smoking equestrians

Fuck you and the high horse you rode in on

I was smoking some new weed with my buddies and they were all disappointed with how stoned they got.

I guess that's what happens when you have high expectations.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Three old women sat smoking in a park

As the day went on it grew darker and eventually it began to rain. The first two ladies pulled out condoms, cut the tips off and rolled them over their cigarettes and continue to smoke. The third lady was amazed at this product that allowed her friends to smoke in the rain. “What are those and where...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone...

He turns to his copilot and says:
"I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess."
When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm...

"Your eyes look red." growled the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

Thanksgiving Dinner

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Thanksgiving dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after pay...

In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking weed while the parents left the house

I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)

I quit smoking cold turkey

And started putting it on my sandwiches instead.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.