A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard ...

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.



Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said:...

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A message for all the weed smoking equestrians

Fuck you and the high horse you rode in on

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

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One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, “Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No”, said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, “Then you’re not old enough.”

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, “Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No” said Little Johhny. “Then you’re not old enough.” his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His gra...

It's easy to quit smoking:

I already did it three times!

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.



Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wan...

I was smoking some new weed with my buddies and they were all disappointed with how stoned they got.

I guess that's what happens when you have high expectations.

What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking?

Use lubricant

My uncle stopped smoking because of coronavirus

RIP uncle Jim.

How do you stop a child from smoking?

Get it out of the oven in time.

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Ever been driving down the highway smoking a cigarette

and you throw the butt out the window and a couple minutes later you smell something so you turn around and look in the back seat to find your grandmother fingering herself?

In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking weed while the parents left the house

I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)

A group of youths are smoking outside my house. It's a bit intimidating. Perhaps I'll call the police.

Or just move my cardboard box to somewhere else.

"Your eyes look red." growled the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

Three old women sat smoking in a park

As the day went on it grew darker and eventually it began to rain. The first two ladies pulled out condoms, cut the tips off and rolled them over their cigarettes and continue to smoke. The third lady was amazed at this product that allowed her friends to smoke in the rain. “What are those and where...

A cop asks a man who sold him the weed he was smoking

The man asks “what weed?”
The cop says “in your mouth!“
The man quickly hides it and again questions the cop what weed was he talking about
The cop frustrated, exclaims “I CAN SMELL YOUR MARIJUANA!”
The man tells the cop “You smelt it, you dealt it!”

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in france a dinner jacket is le smoking

a track suit is le jogging. a camp site is le camping. a bowling alley is le bowling. that they call their swimming pools la pissing is why i've never been able to trust them

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss,

Then what does smoking marijuana do?

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

They say smoking causes cancer

But it cures salmon

A rabbit is running in the woods, he sees a giraffe smoking pot.

- Dude, don’t smoke it, it’s harmful for your body. Let's keep it healthy, come run with me, and they start running.

A little later they see an elephant prepared to snort cocaine.

- My elephant friend, drop the cocaine, come run with us.

After a little run, they see the lion ...

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

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Two old ladies smoking outside a nursing home...

Nancy: Billy came to see me today!

Betty: That's nice... I wish Karla would come visit.

It starts to rain a little bit, so Nancy pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors from her purse, snips off the tip, slips it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Betty: What's that?...

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Want to know the secret of how I managed to quit smoking?

I decided to only smoke after sex.

I quit smoking cold turkey

And started putting it on my sandwiches instead.

Guess who stopped smoking this morning?

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

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Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin...

After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”.

He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick.

After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and ...

My buddy was trying to quit smoking...

...so I decided to help him out by making smoking seem terrible. I told him how smelly he was afterwards. I told him all the health statistics I'd read. I showed him pictures of diseased lungs. I think I finally got through to him when I soaked his cigarettes in gasoline. He was thrilled with me, I ...

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What do you do if a girl starts smoking during sex?

Take her out of the cremation chamber.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.

But, smoking bacon will cure it.

Did you hear about the guy who went to prison for smoking herbs?

He's doing time for doing thyme.

So two guys are trying to find a place to smoke weed...

One of them suggest a field nearby where some cows are grazing. So they light up and are smoking when a police car turns on the sirens and pulls down the road. “What are we going to do?” says one of the guys. “Give the joint to the cow. When the cops get over here, they can’t arrest us because we ar...

Today I learned the side effects of smoking frogs

It turns out that it makes you super jumpy

What do you call a disabled man when he’s smoking pot at a casino?

A high roller.

I was smoking an e-cigarette in bed and fell asleep.

I woke up to find my whole house was on the internet.

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A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.

He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No..."

"Well, you can't have any."

Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

...

How do you make your girlfriend stop smoking?

Go slower and use lube

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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

A very old couple are lying naked in bed, and the wife asks, "What would you do if I started smoking?"

He replies, "Slow down and use some lube."

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What does eating pussy and smoking cigarettes have in common?

The closer you get to the butt, the worse it tastes.

In HS we were all experimenting with drugs. When my friends started smoking pills, that's where I drew the line.

And then I snorted it!

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

I saw a few nuns at a bus stop...one of them was smoking a cigarette, one of them was wearing a beanie...

You could say they had a couple bad habits.

I'm giving up smoking weed for a year.

That's not right.

I'm giving up, smoking weed for a year.

What do you call a smoking piece with nothing in it?

DMT Pipe

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory

Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?

True story but funny.

While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity.



I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it... tax dollars in ac...

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where all occupants in a car had been killed

As he looked through the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey, let out a deep sigh and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"Wait, You can under...

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What would masturbating after smoking weed be called?

"Highjacking"

Why is smoking good for the environment?

Because it kills humans

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My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

The Dockmaster recently started smoking.

Gave into pier pressure.

If you assault a French philosopher while smoking THC wax, you’re...

Hitting da cart while hitting Descartes

So there's an owl and a lizard smoking weed together up in a tree.

Then after about 20 minutes of smoking, the lizard all high says man I really need a drink of water. So the lizard stumbles down out of the tree and to the waters edge, he goes to take a drink and falls in,with the lizard panicking an alligator picks him up and sets him safely back on shore then ask...

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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?










Edit: Front and Gold. Thank you.

Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before.

You ever see those patients smoking outside a hospital?

Taking a break from being sick

A guy wanted to buy cigarettes , they gave him a box of cigarettes that said:"smoking causes impotence"

He looked at the cashier and said : "plz , give me the one that causes cancer"

Humpty Dumpty was smoking some drugs

With a few gangstas and fairy tale thugs

Then all the King's men slapped them in cuffs

All because they had a few too many puffs

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