The 80+ Best Smoking Jokes

Smoking will kill you.

Bacon will kill you too.

But smoking bacon will cure it.

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A koala bear is smoking a blunt in a tree

A lizard comes along and says “what are you doing?”. The koala bear says “I’m getting high man”. The lizard responds “what do you mean?”…. Rather than explain it to the lizard the koala bear convinces him to partake of the blunt.

Shortly after partaking, the lizard says to the koala “dude my ...

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

Edit: Front and Gold. Thank you.

Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before.

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss,

what does smoking marijuana do?

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

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How is eating pussy similar to smoking a cigarette?

The flavor changes as you get closer to the butt.

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard ...

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

Smoking pot

Told my wife I was going to start smoking pot.

She said if I did she was going to leave me.

That's proof that it gets rid of aches and pains!

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use lubricant

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I eat p***y like I smoke cigarettes…

All the way to the butt.

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"Th...

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a bear and a rebbit smoking a joint

A bear was smoking a joint, leaning on a tree when a rabbit came by. Bear saw the rabbit and invited him to smoke along, and rabbit joined.

After the they smoked one, the bear who was preaty high already asled the rabbit,

Bear: do you feel anything?
Rabbit: no
Bear: hmm, lets smo...

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Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier fo...

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

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Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

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to quit smoking my wife and I agreed to only smoke after sex

I haven't smoked in month and she's up to 2 packs a day

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A Private is standing outside smoking

A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.

A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"

The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".

The Lieutenant stares a...

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My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

What do you call a group of people smoking weed?

A Joint Coalition

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Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a da...

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

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If you masturbate after smoking pot...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

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I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided

To give up reading

I saw my son smoking a cigarette.

I said, "What are you doing, lad?"

He said, "I'm smoking, of course. What does it look like?"

"One cigarette takes seven minutes off your life," I informed him.

"Yeah. And what!?" he asked arrogantly.

"Here," I added, "have my packet."

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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

...when a small lizard comes and asks to join it. They get really high and at one point the small lizard says it's thirsty. The monkey tells him that there is a lake nearby and the lizard goes there.

At the lake there is an alligator, he sees the red eyes of the small lizard and says "heeeeyy...

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A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar

The sales guy is a bit stunned, but plows forward and asks, "Is your dad home?"

The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast.

My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.

I just slept with this smoking hot girl...

It was a lucky strike.

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

Everyone knows smoking causes cancer

But have you heard it can also cure salmon?

I quit smoking cold turkey.

Hot ones finish faster.

Guess who stopped smoking this morning?

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

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Two buddies are up late smoking a little weed.

The first guy says “what time is it” to which the second guy says “I’m not sure, here give me that trombone”

The first guy asks “how the hell can you tell the time with a trombone?!”

“It’s magic” replies his friend and as he says that he lets out a long, low belt on the trombone. He s...

Why did the cows stop smoking weed

Because it got to the point where the steaks were too high !

A stoner is smoking a joint at a hostel when a German guy turns up.

The German guy speaks no English, but the stoner is feeling good so he offers the German his joint. The German takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner nods approvingly, and for some reason begins to roll another joint. He takes a puff himself, and hands it to the German, and again th...

What do you drink while smoking a blunt?

Bud light

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done.

I've quit hundreds of times.

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together

They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?

He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.

After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?

He said: no, I stopped smoking.

What do you call a smoking piece with nothing in it?

DMT Pipe

A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time

When people asked him why, he answered: i'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail.

One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?"
He answered: "no, I quit"

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Smoking

Do you smoke after sex?

I don't know; I've never checked.

You know what’s hotter than smoking?

The radiation that follows it

My pot smoking college roommate decided to choose Theology as his major.

He’s now a high priest.

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30 minutes looking for my phone under the bed.

while using my phone’s flashlight.

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

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Two women are smoking cigarettes outside...

...when all of a sudden, it starts to rain. One woman reaches into her pocketbook and pulls out a small square item. She tears it open and unfurls a condom, only to place it over her cigarette, which keeps it dry.

The other woman looks on in awe. “What is that thing? It’s genius! Normally I ...

I don't know why people say that quiting smoking is hard.

I've must have done it a few dozen times by now.

Smoking two cigarettes at once

A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must ...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said:...

Kids are like smoking cigarettes.

I love them for about 5 minutes a day, until I realize that they are slowly killing me.

Jim Jefferies

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

A chicken and an egg were in bed together. The chicken was smoking a cigarette and the egg looked frustrated.

I guess that answers that question.

Smoking in the Rain

Two elderly women, Beatrice and Gertrude, are sitting on the front porch one day having a smoke when it starts to rain. Beatrice pulls a condom out of her pocketbook and puts it over then end of her cigarette. Gertrude is confused and Beatrice explains that it keeps the cigarette from getting wet. S...

Apparently smoking weed makes you gain weight

That explains my Pot belly

Are you saying smoking has no effect on a woman's voice?

Try dropping some cigarette ash on the carpet.

Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain…

One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip and put it over her cigarette.

The other lady said, "Hey, that's a good idea.
What's that called?"

The lady responded, "It's a condom."

The other lady said, "Where can I get one of those?"

She said, "Oh, just about...

A bunch of sausages are smoking around a poker table

A bunch of sausages are smoking around a poker table. Suddenly the door slams open and a salami walks in.

"You look parched my friend, would you like a drink?" Asks one of the sausages.

"No thankyou" says the salami "I don't drink".

"Join us for a smoke then" replies...

TIL ~10,000 people quit smoking every year

By dying.

I'll ^show ^^myself ^^^out

Smoking seriously harms you and others around you

So smoke casually for the sake of public health

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Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little John...

Two old ladies were sitting at a bus stop smoking cigarettes...

Suddenly it begins to rain. Old lady #1 pulls a condom out of her purse and slips it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Impressed, old lady #2 says, "Whad'ya call that thing and where can I get one?" "You mean this cigarette cover? I get mine down at the pharmacy," Says old lady #1.

So...

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So an tiger was smoking in the forest...

... a rat happened past and started laying into him: "We live in such a beautiful forest; you are such a majestic and beautiful creature, why the hell are you killing yourself like this. Come with me and I'll show you sights to live for!"

Intrigued the tiger drops his cigarette and follows th...

Someone pressured me into smoking weed one time and it still scares me to this day

I call it blunt force trauma

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Two pot dealers are granted probation under the condition that they save as many people from smoking pot as possible within one week by utilizing only a pen and a piece of paper...

After one week they are standing in front of the judge again and are asked for their results.

The first stands up and says that he has saved 100 people from their habit by drawing a big circle and a small circle on the paper.

“How could that affect someone that much that he quits smoki...

I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....

We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

An iguana walks by and joins him in a few tokes. After a few minutes the iguana gets cottonmouth and goes to get a drink from the river.

While he’s gone an alligator smells the aroma and wanders over to the tree.

The monkey looks down from his branch and yells “Holy shit! How much wa...

Two old women are sitting on a porch smoking cigarettes.

Ask they are smoking, it begins to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets wet and goes out. As she looks at her friend, she sees something fascinating unfold.

Her friend has brought out a condom and a pair of small sewing scissors. She unrolls the condom, cuts off the end of it, and sl...

I saw Charles the III walking up a hill smoking a blunt the other day

He was hiking

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Two old ladies smoking

Two old ladies are outside smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain. One pulls out a condom, cuts off the tip, slides it over her cigarette and keeps smoking.

The other old lady is surprised and asks about it. The first one explains that it’s just a condom. She buys them at the pharmacy and...

What did one smoking pipe say to the other smoking pipe?

Don’t go ashtray

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The wife asked what would happen if we added smoking weed to our sex

I answered : “489”

Smoking is good for the environment

Because it kills humans

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