I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use lubricant

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

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A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.

He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No..."

"Well, you can't have any."

Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

...

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.

The...

Guess who stopped smoking this morning?

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

First Lady:Whats that?

Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
...

Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory

Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?

I made a grave mistake asking a customer if he preferred smoking or non-smoking.

Apparently, the correct term is "cremation" and "burial".

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.

So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"


"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."


"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"


"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."


"That's amazing! May I as...

The Dockmaster recently started smoking.

Gave into pier pressure.

Smoking will kill you...

Bacon will kill you...

But, smoking bacon will cure it.

Humpty Dumpty was smoking some drugs

With a few gangstas and fairy tale thugs

Then all the King's men slapped them in cuffs

All because they had a few too many puffs

I quit smoking for good...

Now I only smoke for evil.

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What would masturbating after smoking weed be called?

"Highjacking"

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My friend said he likes smoking marijuana, though he might give it up because of its laxative effect.

I told him he either needs to shit or get off the pot.

You ever see those patients smoking outside a hospital?

Taking a break from being sick

So there's an owl and a lizard smoking weed together up in a tree.

Then after about 20 minutes of smoking, the lizard all high says man I really need a drink of water. So the lizard stumbles down out of the tree and to the waters edge, he goes to take a drink and falls in,with the lizard panicking an alligator picks him up and sets him safely back on shore then ask...

Stalins smoking pipe

Stalin lost his pipe so he told the KGB to investigate and find it. A short time later he found it and ordered the KGB to stop the investigation.

The KGB agent told him that they arrested 10 people and 9 of them confessed already.

Stalin was surprised. Only 9?! Continue the investigati...

I quit smoking and I'm using gum as an alternative...

Sure is hard to keep it lit.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Bob’s brother died so he went to the funeral director to make arrangements. She said, “To customize the experience please tell me what your brother enjoyed in life.” Bob said, “He liked getting BJ’s and smoking weed.”

The funeral director said, “Well . . . I guess a headstone would be appropriate.”

I used to smoke weed with a nun

One day we were blazing and she confessed to me that she always wore the same robe whenever she smoked weed. She said as soon as she finished smoking she'd go straight home, wash it, and hide it in the back of her closet.

I guess you could say she was ashamed of her drug habit.

Why is smoking good for the environment?

Because it kills humans

A guy wanted to buy cigarettes , they gave him a box of cigarettes that said:"smoking causes impotence"

He looked at the cashier and said : "plz , give me the one that causes cancer"

Today I was smoking a cig in front of my local Walmart when the guard came yelling at me...

Guard : "Excuse me sir! We have no smoking rules around here!"

Me : "Great! Most stores have a ton of them!"

My grandad stopped smoking 2 weeks ago...

....But we only received his ashes today!

How do you get a smoking hot lover?

Stop using lube and go really fast.

I read that smoking kills

So I decided to quit reading.

To stop smoking is super easy

I've done it 5 times already.

What do you call a smoking piece with nothing in it?

DMT Pipe

What do you call it when you die from smoking pot?

Highway to Heaven.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard smoking weed keeps you regular. . .

Everyone tells me “Shit or get off the pot!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently went to get hypnosis therapy for smoking. I was under his control and everything was going great.

Until he stubbed his toe and yelled “fuck me!”

What do you call it when a couple think that smoking while pregnant doesn’t harm the baby?

A mis-conception

A man saw his friend smoking two cigarettes at the same time

He asked him “why you smoking two?”
He reply’s, “I smoke one for me and one for my brother because he is in prison”
A week after he saw him again, but he smoking only one.
He ask “oh did your brother get out??”
He reply’s “no I quit smoking”

They say smoking cigarettes can be expensive. I learnt it the hard way

Just the other day I ended up burning a hole in my pockets.

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A fox is trying to relax on his day off and decides to smoke a joint...

While he's rolling it up, a rabbit passes by and sees him in the act.

"Hey fox! What you doing bro? Smoking weed? You know that stuff is bad for you! Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"

The fox, slightly embarrassed of his smoking...

My grandma quit smoking.

And we got a nice little urn for her.

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

I’ve decided to quit smoking cold turkey

I only smoke cigarettes now

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

I quit smoking once for six years after buying a forty two cent box of toothpicks...

...after six years they were pretty gross so I started smoking again.

I spend my teenage years drinking, smoking pot and listening to britpop.

The 90s were just a Blur.

What do you call an Apple pie that's smoking a joint?

A baked apple pie!

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A monkey is sitting on a riverbank, smoking weed.

A frog, swimming by, gets a whiff and makes a beeline to the shore:

'Hey dude! Mind if I take a puff?'

'Get out of town,' says the monkey. 'You're so small you'll be off your face after the first hit.'

'Oh come on, just a little bit! I've always wanted to try it.'

'Well, ...

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A man was outside smoking a cigarette when a young lady walked up to him.

The young lady says
“You know those will kill you right”
The man says
“Maybe, but my grandmother lived to be 98 years old”
The young lady, blown away by this statement says;
“And she smoked?!”
The man says;
“No, but she minded her own fucking business”

People keep saying smoking gives you diseases....

But how can they say that if it cures salmon?

Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.

For example, just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.

I think my dog's been smoking pot.

Just the other day I told him to play dead and he said "Nah man play Skynyrd!"

Three kids are smoking behind the bike sheds at school!

Kid 1: "My Dad can blow smoke through his nose!"
Kid 2: "Yeah, well my Dad can blow smoke through his ears!"
Kid 3: "That's nothing, my Dad can blow smoke through his ass!!" I've seen the nicotine stains in his underpants!

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

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My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

Smoking promotes weight loss

..eventually

A monkey was smoking weed

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the \*\*best weed in the world\*\*. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs ...

Two elderly women are walking down the street smoking cigarettes and it begins to rain

One of the elderly ladies puts her cigarette out and the other woman goes into her purse and pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors. She unwraps the condom and cuts it in half with the scissors. She takes the closed end of it, places it over her cigarette to stay dry and continues smoking.
...

Ex called to say the Dr wants her to quit smoking because of her heart and lungs.

Me: What one did he say is blacker?

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain

One of the ladies reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom.

"Helen! What in the world is that for?!" says the other lady.

"Well, just watch this" Helen says before she cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette. "This way they don't get soggy!"

The second old lady is p...

My father caught me smoking a Marlboro when I was 12, and he beat me senseless.

Really taught me a lesson on brand loyalty.

The captain and some navigators are smoking weed on the bridge on the titanic

When all of a sudden a cadet bursts in from the door releasing a big cloud of weed smoke right into his face. The cadet ignores it and starts exclaiming:

"Captain! I've spotted a huge ice block of ice right in our path, we need to change course, or we will hit it!"

"Naah, don't worry ...

My Grandma stopped smoking yesterday, its pretty impressive

Since i set her on fire a week ago

If your girlfriend starts smoking...

...I would highly advise slowing down and using some lube

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30 minutes looking for my phone under the bed.

while using my phone’s flashlight.

Today I read about the dangers of smoking, drinking, and taking other drugs.

I have now decided to stop reading.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traveling salesman knocks on a door and a little boy answers.

The boy is wearing a women’s nightgown, drinking brandy from a snifter, and smoking a joint.

Stunned, the salesman says, ‘excuse me, are your parents home?’

The little boy replies,
‘What the fuck do you think?’

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another.

A lady walking by notices him and says, "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"


"That's OK," says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a computer programmer."


"So? What's that got to do with anything?"

...

I recently quit smoking meth

I've been having vivid dreams of using again. the upside is it's a free high with no real life consequences, the down side is, now I'm addicted to sleep.

Smoking cigarettes isn't completely bad for you,

Just think, for every cigarette you smoke it takes 7 minutes off your student loans.

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