Sandwiches

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff.

The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."

The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The Irishman said, "...

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Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan.

Tomato Means Harder And Cheese Means Faster. So We Were Having Sex And She Was Screaming Tomato Tomato Tomato Cheese Cheese Cheese, Then My Little Brother Said Can Y’all Stop Making Sandwiches Your Getting Mayonnaise All Over My Bed.

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I like my pussy how I like my sandwiches

With the crust

Me and my buddy got into a debate about flat bread being used for sandwiches.

We decided it was a naan issue.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

a caring mother makes her son loafs of bread shaped like batman, to make his sandwiches fun every time. guess what happens when it's in the oven?

the dark knight rises.

What do the Aztecs put on their Sandwiches?

Mayannaise

What do you call a Subway manager who spends too much time helping make sandwiches up front and not enough time back in the office attending to business matters?

Counter productive.

Analogies are like ham sandwiches.

I am currently making one.

Man 1: “I love sandwiches!” Man 2: “Me too. By the way, I heard you just bought a horse! What did you name it?” Man 1: “Mayo.” Man 2: “Mayo? Why Mayo?”

Man 1: “Because he neighs.”

Vaginas are like sandwiches.

If I see pieces of cucumber inside one, I immediately back away.

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I bought a chicken to make sandwiches...

Turns out it doesn't, it just make a lot of noise and poops on the floor.

Matthew McConaughey walked into a deli to order a sandwich

“What can I get for you?” the shopkeep asked.

Matthew replied, “well my good man, you see I’ve had the good fortune of becoming a world renown celebrity, an academy award winning actor, I’ve played some of the most iconic roles in television history, and I’m even known for my whimsical yet c...

I’ve just been out to the shop to buy 25 sandwiches for all my colleagues in the office

I kept them all in separate bags though - didn’t want to put all my Greggs in the same basket

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grilled cheese sandwiches.

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my f...

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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

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Sandwich

A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The young...

2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.

The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.

Why doesn’t Bob Marley eat PB&J sandwiches?

Because he’s more of a jam man.

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

A man moved to New York from India and he opened a lunch counter where he served traditional Indian foods and sandwiches to go. He decorated it in Indian style to remind him of his home city and hired his friends and neighbors from the old country to work there.

You might say he was setting up a little Delhi.

Husband: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches

Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Husband: *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I'm as surprised as you are

A hobo runs up and asks, "where's the hospital?"

"I'll call an ambulance," I replied, "are you hurt?"

"No man. I just love their cheese sandwiches."

Subway makes all their sandwiches with love.

Now if they would actually put some meat in them...

I'm not racist." I said to my buddy. "But I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally." "That's not racist." he said.

"Exactly!" I replied. "I said I wasn't racist."

When I was young my mother would wake up early to remove the crusts from my sandwiches....

.... She really hated me, she knew they were my favourite part.

Three tortoises go for a picnic

Three tortoises, Rodney, Roger and Gary, decide to go on a picnic.
Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is 10 miles away. So, it takes them 10 days to get there.
When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Gary give me th...

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I like my sex the same way I like my grilled cheese sandwiches [NSFW]

Alone and all over the bed.

"I've got a visual lock on sandwiches"

Where?

"1 o'clock"

1 o'clock?! I'm hungry now!

A restaurant test-marketed its new breakfast sandwiches. They sold lots of Baconsters and Porksters,

but almost nobody ordered the Hamster.

I'm addicted to Boxing Day sandwiches.

I'll have to go cold turkey.

All the sandwiches in the fridge at work have names on..

Today I ate a sandwich called Kevin.

Does anybody want to buy 500 sandwiches and 250 sausage rolls?

I misread the headlines and thought we were picnic buying.

I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread.

I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club.

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches...

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches being the same for the last 20 years! So they struck a deal, if their wives make them same sandwiches yet again, tomorrow, they're gonna throw themselves off the building.

So tomorrow comes, and one opens his lunchbox, sees the same...

Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

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A guy walks into a bar...

Bartender: What can I get you?

Guy: I'd like something to eat. What have you got to offer?

Bartender: Well, cheese sandwiches are $1.50, chicken sandwiches are $3.50... or handjobs are $20 <wink>

Guy: Do you give the handjobs, pretty lady?

Bartender: I sure do, sir....

Sandwiches $5, Handjobs $10

Guy walks into a bar, sees a sign that says “Sandwiches $5 Handjobs $10”. He looks at the bartender and asks “you’re the one gives the handjobs?”

“Yup”

“Well wash your hands and go make me a sandwich”

How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ?

Diagon alley

Why won't I go short of toasted sandwiches in hell?

Because Beelzebub has a Breville put aside for me

Dracula

Dracula is walking down the street one fine evening when a speeding lorry carrying mini sausage rolls, sandwiches, a variety of salads, dressed salmon, quiches and cold meats loses control, overturns and spills all that food. All this wreckage hits Dracula and with his dying breath he curses buffet ...

I love bacon sandwiches cut into little triangles...

Strip clubs are awesome!

Why do rednecks love sandwiches?

Because they're inbred too.

My downstairs neighbors treat their weed like Jimmy John’s treats their sandwiches:

free smells.

What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?

The Deli Llama.

I was making too many puns in r/sandwiches...

the mods had to banh mi

How did Bob Marley like his sandwiches?

With jam in

I decided to change my diet; I’m starting to eat hot poultry sandwiches.

I’m quitting cold turkey.

Why do the French never eat tuna sandwiches?

Because bread is pain and fish is poisson

Why don't the French put two eggs on their sandwiches?

Because they think one egg is "un oeuf"

Sandwiches

Two attorneys went into an expensive restaurant and ordered two waters. They sat down, took sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite upset and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged thei...

I'm not saying I value sandwiches more than equality.

But my favourite part about LGBT is the BLT bit.

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