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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

Vaginas are like sandwiches.

If I see pieces of cucumber inside one, I immediately back away.

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I bought a chicken to make sandwiches...

Turns out it doesn't, it just make a lot of noise and poops on the floor.

Subway makes all their sandwiches with love.

Now if they would actually put some meat in them...

Why doesn’t Bob Marley eat PB&J sandwiches?

Because he’s more of a jam man.

Man 1: “I love sandwiches!” Man 2: “Me too. By the way, I heard you just bought a horse! What did you name it?” Man 1: “Mayo.” Man 2: “Mayo? Why Mayo?”

Man 1: “Because he neighs.”

"I've got a visual lock on sandwiches"

Where?

"1 o'clock"

1 o'clock?! I'm hungry now!

When I was young my mother would wake up early to remove the crusts from my sandwiches....

.... She really hated me, she knew they were my favourite part.

Does anybody want to buy 500 sandwiches and 250 sausage rolls?

I misread the headlines and thought we were picnic buying.

I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread.

I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club.

A restaurant test-marketed its new breakfast sandwiches. They sold lots of Baconsters and Porksters,

but almost nobody ordered the Hamster.

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Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...

The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"

The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"

The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same t...

I'm addicted to Boxing Day sandwiches.

I'll have to go cold turkey.

Sandwiches $5, Handjobs $10

Guy walks into a bar, sees a sign that says “Sandwiches $5 Handjobs $10”. He looks at the bartender and asks “you’re the one gives the handjobs?”

“Yup”

“Well wash your hands and go make me a sandwich”

Me: The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches. Wife: Ok just throw them out.

Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase : Look I'm as suprised as you are

Why won't I go short of toasted sandwiches in hell?

Because Beelzebub has a Breville put aside for me

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I like my sex the same way I like my grilled cheese sandwiches [NSFW]

Alone and all over the bed.

I love bacon sandwiches cut into little triangles...

Strip clubs are awesome!

My downstairs neighbors treat their weed like Jimmy John’s treats their sandwiches:

free smells.

All the sandwiches in the fridge at work have names on..

Today I ate a sandwich called Kevin.

2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.

The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.

I'm not racist." I said to my buddy. "But I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally." "That's not racist." he said.

"Exactly!" I replied. "I said I wasn't racist."

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?

The Deli Llama.

I told my friend how i once ate 17 pork sandwiches.

he said i was full of baloney.

How did Bob Marley like his sandwiches?

With jam in

I decided to change my diet; I’m starting to eat hot poultry sandwiches.

I’m quitting cold turkey.

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A boy was not looking forward to lunch.

Everyday his mom would pack a liverwurst sandwich and he hated it. One lunch period his classmate looks over and says, "I hate it when my mom packs me a seabird sandwich for lunch. Wanna trade?" Overjoyed, the boy accepted. All of a sudden a teacher grabs him and asks, "Did you trade sandwiches?"...

I was making too many puns in r/sandwiches...

the mods had to banh mi

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches...

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches being the same for the last 20 years! So they struck a deal, if their wives make them same sandwiches yet again, tomorrow, they're gonna throw themselves off the building.

So tomorrow comes, and one opens his lunchbox, sees the same...

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

I'm not saying I value sandwiches more than equality.

But my favourite part about LGBT is the BLT bit.

Why do the French never eat tuna sandwiches?

Because bread is pain and fish is poisson

My doctor found out I had an addiction to white meat sandwiches.

He told me I had stop cold turkey.

Sandwiches

Two attorneys went into an expensive restaurant and ordered two waters. They sat down, took sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite upset and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged thei...

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A Navy Rhyme

A Navy man, a war hero, attends a lunch at a Ladies’ Patriotic Society. Cucumber sandwiches on crustless bread – he endures it manfully. Then the ladies, who have been at the sherry, ask to hear a Navy rhyme. Ladies, he says, I will accede to your request. But in place of each atrocious word, I will...

Where do fast food places get those square fish for the filet-o-fish sandwiches?

From the asquarium.

How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ?

Diagon alley

I'm flying to India to try their famous sandwiches.

Everyone keeps raving about their new deli...

Why do rednecks love sandwiches?

Because they're inbred too.

Why don't the French put two eggs on their sandwiches?

Because they think one egg is "un oeuf"

Mmmm... Sandwiches

My wife asked me just now (irl) if I wanted half of a PB&J, I said, "yeah, keep the P and the &"...

If you have 200 ice cream sandwiches, and you eat 175 of them,

How many toes will you have left?

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