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Referred Jokes

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I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters..

Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

I accidentally referred to my wife as my girlfriend today

Their names aren't even that similar

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A baby is born without an eyelid and referred to a Plastic surgeon

Plastic surgeon : You’re lucky it’s a boy. We will perform a circumcision and reconstruct the eyelid with the foreskin.
Mom (not entirely reassured): Will he be ok ? Will he be cockeyed?

Plastic surgeon : Oh no Ma’am, in fact he will have foresight.

I referred to my dentist as an orthodontist by mistake.

It was acci*dental*.

Did you know the word “queen” first referred to the chess piece before the monarchy?

The royals adopted it, since a queen also needs the help of a bishop and a horse to mate.

After several visits to the doctor's I've finally been referred to rehab for spending all my days smoking drugs and looking up jokes about cheese.

Hopefully I can kick my addiction to meth and feta memes.

Why are Catholic priests always referred to as "father"?

Because "daddy" would make it too obvious...

Do you think Bill of the Celtics kids were referred to as

B. Russell Sprouts?

My ex-girlfriend hates being referred to by that title.

She says it's not appropriate for me to call my wife that.

Why are ships referred to as "she"?

Because they're always wet below.

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Why is school toilet paper referred to as John Wayne?

Because it's rough, tough and won't take shit off anyone

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

If the love between men is referred to as "brotherly love," what do you call the love between women?

Scissorly love

I was referred to a doctor with chronic back pain.

I hope he's still able to treat me.

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My boss just referred to me as "A real pair of butts"

He said I am "A major ass set to the company"

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

My father was a conjoined twin. I always referred to his brother as "my uncle on my father's side."

But everythings ok now. They were able to surgically be separated. He's now "my uncle, once removed."

I've heard Parler referred to lately as OnlyKlans, Fashbook, OkStupid, and HickTock

But I draw the line at "Inbreddit".

Why are Prisoners referred to as "inmates"?

Because, on their first night, they're most likely to have said to them: "I'm putting it in, mate!"

Little people are often referred to as dwarves...

...but that's a misgnomer

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I was referred to this proctologist. I thought he was a nice guy.

But he just turned out to be another asshole doctor.

Today my 10 year old daughter referred to the pile of dirty laundry that my wife is doing as.

Mount Wash More.

Why are condoms referred to as "protection"?

I was wearing one yesterday and I still got hit by that bus!

Why are the Middle Ages also referred to as the 'Dark' Ages?

because there were too many *knights*

Turns out shepherds don't like being referred to as

'ewe people'

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New to the big city, a man is referred to a local bar, high up on the roof of a major newspaper building…

One night he decides to visit it. As he exits the elevator, he sees two other men: A classy, well-dressed bartender and a more blue-collar-looking patron in glasses. He sits down next to the patron and orders a drink.

The patron leans over to him and says, “First time here, right?”

“Ye...

Why is bad code also referred to as 'spaghetti code'?

Because it was written by IT-aliens.

Trump mistakenly referred to 9/11 attacks as 7/11 attacks

It seems someone has been providing him fake cues.

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Why is 17 referred to as the "Hot Cousin" in black jack?

Because you want to hit it but you'd probably bust and everyone be pissed at you.

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Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second ...

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A villager had a small penis and hated it...

One day, he decided he's had enough of his pitiful manhood and goes to see the village elder.

The elder referred him to a shaman living in the center of a village, so he went to see the shaman. When he got there, he told the shaman about his small penis.

The shaman nodded his head, and...

Why is the Higgs Boson referred to as the "God Particle?"

Because it gives us Mass

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

Why are ships referred to as "she"

A fortune is spent trying to make them look pretty and without a man at the helm, they become an unpredictable death trap.

When droid BB-8, was asked whether it should be referred to as "he" or "she"...

BB-8 replied, "I roll both ways."

http://i.imgur.com/umSzUjp.gifv

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Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

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Woman comes home and tells her husband...

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headach...

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