UPJOKE
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Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife?

...The invitation said to look sharp

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that t...

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One of my employees said he couldn't come to work today because of a perforated colon.

I think he is full of shit.

I have come to realize that all my exes in Archaeology class are doing better than me

They just seem to have a natural ability to dig up the past.

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My wife said she was going to come to the Halloween party dressed as our Sex life

So she didn’t come

she texted "come to my house, nobody's home"

I went over, nobody was home..

Funny you should come to me…

A Jewish son comes home from university and tells his father, “Dad, after graduating from university, I have decided I can longer stay in the Hebrew faith, I’m a Christian now.”

Distraught the father goes to the rabbi of his synagogue and tells the rabbi, “I brought him up in the temple, we s...

It's so typical of my late uncle not to come to my funeral.

I went to his the selfish git.

[OC] A newly wed couple, Mr and Mrs Wong, are driving down the road. After a time, they come to a crossroads.... Which way do they turn?

Left, obviously.

Everyone knows two Wongs don't make a right.

My wife told me that before I come to bed, she'd like me to start the dishwasher, set the coffee maker, and bring her some water.

I said, "Ok, but I'm bound to forget one of those two things."

Why did Bob's CONCUSSION after a fall come to a CONCLUSION?

He lost an S and took the L

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

I've come to learn that every groupchat has a separate, smaller groupchat, just without the annoying people.

If you think yours doesn't, then i have some bad news.

"Comrade Stalin! A fortune-teller has come to visit you!"

"Execute him. If he were a real fortune-teller, he wouldn't have come."

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A veterinary student is taking an important exam, and it's come to such a point that him passing or not passing depends on the last question.

The question is "How to perform an abortion in a domestic goat?".

Unfortunately, the student doesn't know the answer and fails the exam. Afterwards he goes to a bar to drown his sorrows.

When he comes there, the bartender asks him:

- You seem to have something on your mind. How...

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When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

Mr. Chu, Du, and Fu were three friends from China that wanted to come to the US.

In order to get a visa, they were told they needed a more “American” name.

So, Chu became Chuck,

Du became Duck,

And Fu,

... well, Fu remained in China.

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I've been getting the same prostitute to come to my work and secretly give me felatio for a while now. I forgot to tell her that I was sick yesterday and had to call in a cover.

Safe to say my cover was blown...

I couldn't come to school yesterday and appearantly there was a school shooting

I'm so lucky, I hate having my picture taken

Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge

Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?

Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.

Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.

Bob calls his job foreman on Monday morning and says “I cannot come to work today. I’m a very sick man”.

The foreman replies “this is 2 Monday’s in a row that you’ve called out saying you’re sick. Do you have a drinking problem?”

Bob responds “I’m not an alcoholic. But my brother in law is. And for the last few weeks he’s been drinking too much and hitting my sister. So she comes to my house to ...

Why haven't aliens come to our solar system?

They checked our reviews.

One star.

Ray has just reached his 110th birthday. A reporter comes to his birthday party and says, “Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to be so old?” Ray replies, “It’s easy. The secret is never to argue with anyone.”

The reporter is not impressed. “That’s insane!” he says. “It has to be something else – diet, meditation, or ‘something.’ Just not arguing won’t keep you alive for 110 years!” Ray looks at the reporter and says, “Y’know, maybe you’re right.”

Today, in honor of 4/20, I'm letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work.

It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.

John asks out a girl and girl says "at 19:00 come to my house, noone will be there"

So in the evening he goes to girl's house and no one is there

Why did the worker at the coal mine come to work immediately after he got injured ?

because it was a miner injury

They say good things come to those who wait...

...apparently not to those restaurant employees during a pandemic lockdown

Persons who received the COVID-19 vaccine are kindly requested to come to the nearest 5G cell tower...

...to download upgrade for the new COVID-19 variants.

Did you know you are not allowed to come to France and buy any bears?

All french bears are ours

A wealthy man had a homeless man come to his door begging for money.

The man said I'm glad to help, but its healthy to work for your money. I've got a porch out back that needs painting. All the painting supplies are ready in the garage. If you paint the porch, I'll pay you $300. The homeless man agrees and heads to the back. About four hours later he goes to the fro...

Two Aliens come to our Planet

They are greeted by armed forces. They inform us that our inferior weapons don't stand a chance against them. The only way they will let us go is if we can make them laugh. However, they have seen all jokes there are on the internet and only a new original joke will work on them. Humanity gathers th...

While at work, I think I've finally come to a conclusion on why I'm still single. For years, I've blamed other people, or my weight, or my location, but I think I've found the real explanation.

If it hadn't been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I'd be married a long time ago.

I have come to a profound realization

And I really need to clean up

"Mom, how did humans come to exist?"

"Well, you see, God created Adam and Eve..."

"But dad said we came from apes."

"He was talking about his family, I am telling you about mine."

I've come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems...

... if I could just get the right people to try it.

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I've slowly come to the realisation that I'm gay, but it's all been so confusing...

... I just can't think straight!

Why did the peanut never come to school?

Because everyone was allergic to him.

(Made up by my 7 year old in response to the other joke I posted by my 9 year old)

How do you get Gold to come to you?

"A u! Get over here!"

Four Canadians come to an intersection...

And they're still here to this day.

Q: Why do Hong Kong riot police come to work early?

A: To beat the crowds.

People are always telling me I should come to Jesus

But as soon as ya start touching your self to a stained glass window you're suddenly a "sinner" and a "pervert"

Me: As I've gotten older, I've come to feel that 60 is the new 30.

Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!

In a few weeks we will all come to the realisation that we have lost the battle...

...and twenty twenty won.

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When the king and queen come to visit

Little Jonny is in class and the teacher says the king and queen will visit the school the next day. To make sure noone interrupts them they make signals. Raise 1 finger means you have to pee. Raise 2 fingers means you have to shit.

#

So the next day the king and queen visit the schoo...

According to Mayan legend, the earth would come to an end in the year 2012.

2021\*

What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed?

Let me finish this one line.

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A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.
There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow,...

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Never have French babies come to your home.

They always poop in the couches.

I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today

He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.

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If you don't come to my funeral, I'm not going to yours. Simple as that.

tit for tat.

Aliens: "We've come to destroy the Earth."

Greta: "It's a bit late, right?"

A clock maker had new students come to his workshop today. As he was in the middle of one of his projects he told them to always remember one thing to do when he was at work.

To watch and learn

Teacher : Why didn't you come to the school yesterday?

Student : My dad is in the hospital

1 week later..

Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital?

Student : Yes, he is a doctor.

I have come to the realization that I am, in fact, a man trapped inside a woman's body…

In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have put the lube next to the glue…

After 10 Years man come to home and find his wife

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bag...

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So there’s this teacher that tells her class anyone who correctly answers a special question she’s going to ask on Friday won’t have to come to school on Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he...

A priest and a permanently drunken bus driver from the same village come to the pearly gates and request entry to heaven.

St. Peter says to the priest " You wait two years," and to the bus driver, " You go straight in."

The priest protests, " How come? I have been preaching every Sunday for so many years - and he is nothing but a drunken bus driver."

St. Peter replies, "Listen, when you preached, they all...

Come to think of it, it's a good thing Bush won the 2000 election over Al Gore...

Now we have to deal with Bushisms... otherwise we would have had to deal with Algorithms!

Why did Death come to r/jokes looking for a redditor with the username Oast?

Like everyone here on r/jokes, he came to reap Oast.

A police officer pulled over a lawyer who had failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

The lawyer argued his case that the spirit of the law was simply that the maneuver be safe and since he hadn't caused an accident his actions complied with the law.

The officer disagreed and informed the lawyer he would issue him a ticket.

"I will accept that ticket if you can explain ...

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"I've come to appreciate the little things in life"

- My wife, talking about my penis

American: so you’ve come to die

Australian: no, I came yesterday

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I was just invited to come to a benefit for legless women.

I hear the place is going to be crawling with pussy.

People say Good things Always come to an end

With That logic, I'm probably gonna live forever

Why Somali submarines come to the surface every 2 minutes?

To let paddlers breathe

I went to the mall and you know those people that set up their little shops? Well, there is a dwarf in a little hut, and he tells fortunes. Come to find out he is a fugitive and wanted for some crimes.

I guess that makes him a small medium at large...

After extensive research I've come to the conclusion that 10 is smaller than 5!

I finally understand factorials!

I have come to realise how bad hairdressers are to have as friends.

They are always talking about you behind your back.

I've come to realize if I ever had an enema

I'd lose all of my personality

Because of the lockdown, the people from the morgue didn’t come to prison today

So the death row inmates were left hanging.

It was hard to come to terms with the death of my wife.

But eventually the hitman and I agreed on a fee.

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Three kids come to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.

The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fucking French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, spanks him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fucking French toast for me," he says. She is liv...

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Two arabs come to america.

They make a bet who would be the most "americanized" in a year.

After this year, one brother says, "i just dropped my kids off at baseball and we're having mcdonald's later".

The other brother says, "fuck off, towelhead!"

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A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed ...

A wealthy and blind American businessman writes to his nephew in Soviet Russia asking him to come to America to help him with his business.

The nephew is called to NKVD headquarters as a result. The interrogator says, "Write to your uncle and ask him to close his company and come to the USSR. We will provide him with everything."

The nephew says, "I'm sorry but you didn't understand. My uncle lost his eyesight, not his mind."

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She said: "Come to my place on Saturday. There will be nobody home."

So I went to her place and rang the doorbell. There was nobody home.

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I was nervous no one would come to the Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting...

Luckily, everyone came earlier than expected!

A doctor is doing his morning rounds with the ward nurse. They come to the first bed where a man is laying half dead.

“Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, no,” replies the nurse. “I gave him eight tablets every two hours!”

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.


“Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?”

“Oop...

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