The next LG phone needs to appeal to all audiences and be a plus size phone

We'll call it the LGbtq+

Russian joke: a tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.

Cop: You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car.

Tourist: But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!

Cop: I dont care.

Tourist: Please, be be reasonable, you cant do this!

Cop: We...

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For some, looks are the most sexually appealing trait, while others are turned on by personality. But for me it’s all relative.

Relatives*

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I have the sex appeal of a math book.

Ive never seen anyone open a math book and didn't say "fuck me".

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

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I have the sex appeal of a god.

Specifically Yog-Sothoth

I don't get the appeal of school shooter jokes.

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience.

A study found that 97% of people prefer bananas with the skin on.

Without one, it just lacks appeal.

How is a joke like a frog?

If you have to dissect it, it's probably already dead.

See, because a common practice in laboratories, whether inhabited by students or professionals, is to dissect an animal, usually a frog, to understand the internal workings of it's body. Of course, this animal would be in a lot of pain if...

Told my mother if I had been born in the USA I could've become an Asian president

And she says to me: "Why would you want to become the President?"

I look at her and try to appeal to her: "Wait, you could brag to all your friends that your son is the President of the United States though?"

"President terrible career ah. You have job for 4, maybe 8 years, then find n...

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unen...

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

In an attempt to appeal to a wider audience, Hollywood remakes footloose for the Muslim and Jewish world

Its basically the same movie, just without Bacon

Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven

Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven and were seeking admission. God Himself decided to hear their appeal from His judgement seat.

The St Bernard said "I was a valued rescue dog and helped find those nuns after the avalanche."

"Fine then, you're in," said God.

The collie said, ...

My Dad installed a shelf in the wall of the shower today. It's nice, but it wont appeal to everyone

It's a bit niche

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call him maestro... or else

many years ago there was an orchestra in omaha whose conductor was notoriously ill tempered. he would fly off the handle at the smallest mistake, yet he would never offer any constructive criticism. he thought he was the greatest, and demanded to be called maestro. but sometimes, he'd give the wrong...

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.



That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Some people love camouflage clothing

But I don’t see the appeal

I get the appeal of being an anti-vaxxer...

Choosing to "be an anti-vaxxer for life" is a much shorter-term commitment than many other "for life" decision.

In a medieval town ...

... a beggar comes up to a tavern where the owner is cooking a roast of beef on a spit. The beggar has a piece of bread and holds it out over the roast so that is catches the grease that is rising off the roast into the air. The tavern owner says nothing until the beggar has captured enough grease a...

I don't understand the appeal of Rorshac tests.

They all look like my parents fighting

Why do women find Christian Grey so appealing?

Beats me.

Why didn't Princess Fiona fall in love with Lord Farquaad?

He lacks Shrek's appeal

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New HR policy

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase...

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Pretty meta bro

Cake day posts are annoying and uncreative, so many people make anti cake day posts. These can be just as bad, and are only rarely funny if they are posted on the poster's cake day, (aka: anti cake day cake day posts). This possess a bit of a conundrum, as here in Reddit, we make fun of things, but ...

All My Life I Wanted to be the Person so Committed to Something I Would Die for it

And that is why I'm not appealing my execution, Your Honor.

What did the Birch tree say to the other Birch tree?

I find you appealing!

I am against invisible bananas.

I can’t see the appeal.

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I was talking to a landscaper about his work the other day.

He told me: “Most of my work involves painting people’s lawns a different color. It’s some kind of new trend. I, personally, don’t get the appeal of having a pink lawn. Doesn’t make sense to me. But, I dye grass.”

Ladies talk to me a lot more once my son was born.

I guess now, my appeal is apparent

Just what is it that makes Italian desserts so appealing?

One cannoli guess.

When you market TV shows and movies in other countries, it's not uncommon to change the title in order to appeal to the local population.

For example, the Chinese title for "Black Mirror" is "Really Cool Ideas".

Movies appeal to either dog people or cat people.

For example the Hunger Games has more of a feline nature. There's a certain cat-ness to it.

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He just stares

A young, fit looking Woman, is walking past a Pet Shop where she notices a Sign in the window :-

"Good home needed for Clitoris-Licking Frog."

The woman goes inside and says to the Shopkeeper,

"I noticed you have a Clitoris-Licking Frog? I'll take one."

He packages up a F...

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I don't understand the appeal of strip clubs...

All you do is throw money at women who refuse to have sex with you. If I wanted that I would be married.

They say Trump isn't appealing to minorities...

...but according to the latest polls, he's winning 100% of the Naive American vote

I always wanted to be a lumber artisan

Everything about it seemed so appealing, the beauty of creating uniquely carved furniture, the wide variety and color to create from, even the manliness aspect from it. My parents were always against it and insisted I do something that was more reliable and practical. I started to realize they were ...

How do you make a kilogram of fat appealing?

Put a nipple on it

Why was the vampire removed as CEO?

He couldn't appeal to the stakeholders.

Where does Hillary Clinton eat at to appeal to Asian voters?

Pander Express.

Recently in court I was found guilty of being egotistical...

I am appealing.

In court I was convicted of constantly boasting about how attractive I am

I’m appealing.

The candidates keep appealing to "Hard Working Americans"...

But what about the Reddit community?

Out of town trial

A lawyer tries a case out of town, accompanied by his corporate client. After the case is given to the jury, the lawyer and his client wait for the verdict, which doesn't come in for days. After the second day, the lawyer the tells his client to go home, and he'll let him know as soon as the verdict...

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A man dies and ends up in Hell.

A man dies and ends up in hell, Satan shows up and walks him down a hallway, explaining that he would choose his torment from a selection of doors.


The first door opens up onto a vast expanse and millions of people standing on their heads on concrete. This doesn't have much appeal so the...

I had a pretty good joke about a Catholic priest

But it got old and lost it's appeal

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes ...

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I'm getting real tired of people comparing Trump to Hitler.

I mean, I get it: they both appeal to the radical far right Uber-nationalists and blame problems on minority groups but whatever, it's getting out of hand. Grow up and show some damn respect!Hitler at least actively served in the military and didn't get a deferment.

Why does Trump like Minecraft?

He doesn’t, it’s fake news but does appeal to his key demographic of miners and wall builders.

Why do potatoes look so good...

Because their APPEALING!

An American tourist is traveling in Thailand and stops over in a small border village for a meal. While the inside of the restaurant is rather small and modest, it does have a beautifully designed ant farm covering most of one wall. Curious, he asks the old man running the restaurant about it.

“Ah,” says the old man. “I use the ant eggs to make a dish called maengman chom. The Cambodians who visit here especially love it; they spend so many riel on it that I had that display made to show off the ants. It’s a specialty of mine; would you like to try some?”

“Ant eggs are a little exo...

Youtube was taken offline by the courts today for their search algorithm was facilitating paedophelia.

Their lawyers appealed the verdict immediately. But they only got an automated answer that told them to reapply in 30 days.

The Email

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.



...

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A prostitute has a problem...

There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.

Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked...

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A kid shows up to class with $2,467...

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Suzie led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the custo...

What does gravity have that you don't?

Mass appeal.

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Brad was successful and mostly healthy, but he had one problem...

his eyes bulged out of their sockets.

It had started in his teens, and while it didn't cause him physical pain, he had to put up with constant teasing about looking like an insect. It didn't help his dating life either; most girls liked him as a person but found his appearance too strange to ...

A 40 year old couple are hiking in the woods

... They eventually stumble upon Santa Claus. "I will grant you one wish each!" Santa told them. "I want a new car!" The man said, "I want a new TV!" the woman said. Santa Claus, with a smile on his face ".. But on one condition". "and what's that?" the man said, already confused with the encounter....

My friend told me I should watch black mirror

However, I don't see the appeal in a tv thats that's not turned on

I know it's bad...

Last night's baseball game was epic. The two teams had rosters full of the most popular players in the league. It also marked the comeback of popular SS Jed Marksby from a severe ocular injury. The game ended on a check swing that was appealed to the 3rd base ump. He called it a strike and the h...

World's Funniest Joke

The "world's funniest joke" is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research. For his experiment, named LaughLab, he created a website where people could rate and submit jokes. Purposes of the research included discovering t...

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Goatlover

A man gets arrested for making love to a goat in his barn and is facing beastiality charges. The man talks to his lawyer before the trial wondering what he could do to get out of it. His lawyer tells him that he will be in front of a jury, and his best bet would be to appeal to them. His lawyer tell...

An ad campaign for pitted peaches (long)

So there’s a farmer and he wants to market his peaches. They are canned peaches and part of the appeal is you don’t have to pit them. They are pitted by other people before they get out in the cans! Easy! So he has this idea to hire a model to photograph in the process of pitting to communicate this...

Why did Mrs. Banana marry Mr. Banana?

She found him appealing.

Two blokes are out driving in Saudi Arabia.

The driver has a row of stitches around both his wrists. His mate points at them and says, “I see you won your appeal then...”

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Did you hear about the stripper bananas?

I found them appealing

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What's the similarity between porn videos and youtube let's plays?

Eventually you realise most of it is overreacted and it kinda loses it's appeal.

Potatos aren’t very attractive

...until they’ve been with someone appealing for a while.

Close Call

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

"Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the solicitor.

An...

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A gang of stray dogs is hanging out together in the local dog park...

A rottweiler, a great dane, a labrador and of course a tiny chihuahua just glad to be accepted by such high company. They're discussing the sorts of things male dogs discuss when a babelicious poodle struts herself on up. A real high breed, classy bitch.
"Hello boys," She greets, "I tell you w...

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My Nookie Days Are Over

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal, is now my waterspout.

Time was when, on its own accord, from my trousers it would spring,

But now I’ve got a full-time job, to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it w...

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A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had sex with the most times".

The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to app...

Why was the banana a good prosecutor?

She always made the defense slip up on appeal.

Linkin Park fought among themselves in choosing which ocean to take a cruise on.

The Pacific ocean was favored by Chester. The Atlantic was desired by Mike. The Arctic was appealing to Rob and Brad because it is an ocean they've never been to before. The Antarctic was chosen by Dave and Joe because they've heard tales of great sea creatures to see in that area. With great argume...

I met the man who invented the Big Mac today…

He was much smaller and less appealing than he looked in his photos…

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Did you hear about the banana that became a stripper?

She said the job really appealed to her.

There are these three older gentlemen in their club....

...somewhere in the West End of London, and it's the late 1920s or so. They're sitting in the Chesterfield armchairs, drinking their beakers of port, smoking cigars, and generally chatting about life, and the conversation circles round to the great inevitable, and they start to wonder how they want...

Why do people like bananas?

Because they're so appealing.

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Asexual Reproduction.

I never really understood the appeal of asexual reproduction. But, You do you, I guess.

Act of God

After his wife had a baby, the new minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair and approved it.

When the next child arrived, the minister appealed, and again, the congregation approved the incre...

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So a man finds a magic lamp with a genie...

The genie grants him the three wishes that he asks.
The next morning, he wakes up to see hundreds of beautiful girls still sleeping around him. He walks into the hall of his house, and feels crunching under his feet. He picks some off the ground and realizes that the floor and walls are covere...

The Apple store in town got robbed last night

the police have sent out an appeal for iWitnesses

I had an idea for a suit made entirely of banana skins...

but no one seemed to find it very appealing.

Why didn't the Orange want to be eaten?

Because he wasn't feeling appealing.

You know you teach in a rough neighborhood when...

You ask the class what comes after a sentence and they say, "you make an appeal."

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A collection of lawyer jokes.

My grandfather was a lawyer & judge and had a fantastic sense of humor. He has many humorous law books, and the following are some his favorite selections from Larry Wilde's book *The Ultimate Lawyers Joke Book*. Hope you enjoy..

___________________________________________________________...

Apple Store robbed

The Apple Store in Regents Street, London, was robbed this morning. Police are appealing for an iWitness!

Did you hear about the guy who sued a banana?

He won the initial case but lost on the banana's appeal.

Nobody wanted to see the naked banana . . .

it just lacked appeal

Hillary Clinton has been frequenting a new restaurant, reports say.

I guess the main appeal of it is her own private server.

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