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I have the sex appeal of a god.

Specifically Yog-Sothoth

I don't get the appeal of school shooter jokes.

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience.

My Dad installed a shelf in the wall of the shower today. It's nice, but it wont appeal to everyone

It's a bit niche

In court I was convicted of constantly boasting about how attractive I am

I’m appealing.

In an attempt to appeal to a wider audience, Hollywood remakes footloose for the Muslim and Jewish world

Its basically the same movie, just without Bacon

Why was the vampire removed as CEO?

He couldn't appeal to the stakeholders.

Just what is it that makes Italian desserts so appealing?

One cannoli guess.

I don't understand the appeal of Rorshac tests.

They all look like my parents fighting

Recently in court I was found guilty of being egotistical...

I am appealing.

Out of town trial

A lawyer tries a case out of town, accompanied by his corporate client. After the case is given to the jury, the lawyer and his client wait for the verdict, which doesn't come in for days. After the second day, the lawyer the tells his client to go home, and he'll let him know as soon as the verdict...

I get the appeal of being an anti-vaxxer...

Choosing to "be an anti-vaxxer for life" is a much shorter-term commitment than many other "for life" decision.

When you market TV shows and movies in other countries, it's not uncommon to change the title in order to appeal to the local population.

For example, the Chinese title for "Black Mirror" is "Really Cool Ideas".

An American tourist is traveling in Thailand and stops over in a small border village for a meal. While the inside of the restaurant is rather small and modest, it does have a beautifully designed ant farm covering most of one wall. Curious, he asks the old man running the restaurant about it.

“Ah,” says the old man. “I use the ant eggs to make a dish called maengman chom. The Cambodians who visit here especially love it; they spend so many riel on it that I had that display made to show off the ants. It’s a specialty of mine; would you like to try some?”

“Ant eggs are a little exo...

Classic Giggle (I will forever double check before I send an email)

**After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.**

**Unfo...

Movies appeal to either dog people or cat people.

For example the Hunger Games has more of a feline nature. There's a certain cat-ness to it.

Youtube was taken offline by the courts today for their search algorithm was facilitating paedophelia.

Their lawyers appealed the verdict immediately. But they only got an automated answer that told them to reapply in 30 days.

I had a pretty good joke about a Catholic priest

But it got old and lost it's appeal

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I wish my sex appeal was like a math book.

Because I've never met someone that didnt open it up, and say "fuck me."

They say Trump isn't appealing to minorities...

...but according to the latest polls, he's winning 100% of the Naive American vote

Why do women find Christian Grey so appealing?

Beats me.

Where does Hillary Clinton eat at to appeal to Asian voters?

Pander Express.

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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I'm getting real tired of people comparing Trump to Hitler.

I mean, I get it: they both appeal to the radical far right Uber-nationalists and blame problems on minority groups but whatever, it's getting out of hand. Grow up and show some damn respect!Hitler at least actively served in the military and didn't get a deferment.

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NSFW Stupid frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says...."Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)" She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whisper...

Why do potatoes look so good...

Because their APPEALING!

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I don't understand the appeal of strip clubs...

All you do is throw money at women who refuse to have sex with you. If I wanted that I would be married.

What does gravity have that you don't?

Mass appeal.

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Brad was successful and mostly healthy, but he had one problem...

his eyes bulged out of their sockets.

It had started in his teens, and while it didn't cause him physical pain, he had to put up with constant teasing about looking like an insect. It didn't help his dating life either; most girls liked him as a person but found his appearance too strange to ...

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A prostitute has a problem...

There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.

Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked...

How do you make a kilogram of fat appealing?

Put a nipple on it

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A man dies and ends up in Hell.

A man dies and ends up in hell, Satan shows up and walks him down a hallway, explaining that he would choose his torment from a selection of doors.


The first door opens up onto a vast expanse and millions of people standing on their heads on concrete. This doesn't have much appeal so the...

My friend told me I should watch black mirror

However, I don't see the appeal in a tv thats that's not turned on

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes ...

I know it's bad...

Last night's baseball game was epic. The two teams had rosters full of the most popular players in the league. It also marked the comeback of popular SS Jed Marksby from a severe ocular injury. The game ended on a check swing that was appealed to the 3rd base ump. He called it a strike and the h...

The candidates keep appealing to "Hard Working Americans"...

But what about the Reddit community?

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Goatlover

A man gets arrested for making love to a goat in his barn and is facing beastiality charges. The man talks to his lawyer before the trial wondering what he could do to get out of it. His lawyer tells him that he will be in front of a jury, and his best bet would be to appeal to them. His lawyer tell...

A 40 year old couple are hiking in the woods

... They eventually stumble upon Santa Claus. "I will grant you one wish each!" Santa told them. "I want a new car!" The man said, "I want a new TV!" the woman said. Santa Claus, with a smile on his face ".. But on one condition". "and what's that?" the man said, already confused with the encounter....

Two blokes are out driving in Saudi Arabia.

The driver has a row of stitches around both his wrists. His mate points at them and says, “I see you won your appeal then...”

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A kid shows up to class with $2,467...

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Suzie led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the custo...

Did you hear about the stripper bananas?

I found them appealing

Why did Mrs. Banana marry Mr. Banana?

She found him appealing.

An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman...

...are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
<...

Potatos aren’t very attractive

...until they’ve been with someone appealing for a while.

An ad campaign for pitted peaches (long)

So there’s a farmer and he wants to market his peaches. They are canned peaches and part of the appeal is you don’t have to pit them. They are pitted by other people before they get out in the cans! Easy! So he has this idea to hire a model to photograph in the process of pitting to communicate this...

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What's the similarity between porn videos and youtube let's plays?

Eventually you realise most of it is overreacted and it kinda loses it's appeal.

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My Nookie Days Are Over

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal, is now my waterspout.

Time was when, on its own accord, from my trousers it would spring,

But now I’ve got a full-time job, to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it w...

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A gang of stray dogs is hanging out together in the local dog park...

A rottweiler, a great dane, a labrador and of course a tiny chihuahua just glad to be accepted by such high company. They're discussing the sorts of things male dogs discuss when a babelicious poodle struts herself on up. A real high breed, classy bitch.
"Hello boys," She greets, "I tell you w...

Did you hear about the banana that became a stripper?

She said the job really appealed to her.

There are these three older gentlemen in their club....

...somewhere in the West End of London, and it's the late 1920s or so. They're sitting in the Chesterfield armchairs, drinking their beakers of port, smoking cigars, and generally chatting about life, and the conversation circles round to the great inevitable, and they start to wonder how they want...

Why was the banana a good prosecutor?

She always made the defense slip up on appeal.

Linkin Park fought among themselves in choosing which ocean to take a cruise on.

The Pacific ocean was favored by Chester. The Atlantic was desired by Mike. The Arctic was appealing to Rob and Brad because it is an ocean they've never been to before. The Antarctic was chosen by Dave and Joe because they've heard tales of great sea creatures to see in that area. With great argume...

Close Call

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

"Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the solicitor.

An...

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A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had sex with the most times".

The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to app...

I met the man who invented the Big Mac today…

He was much smaller and less appealing than he looked in his photos…

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Asexual Reproduction.

I never really understood the appeal of asexual reproduction. But, You do you, I guess.

World's Funniest Joke

The "world's funniest joke" is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research. For his experiment, named LaughLab, he created a website where people could rate and submit jokes. Purposes of the research included discovering t...

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

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So a man finds a magic lamp with a genie...

The genie grants him the three wishes that he asks.
The next morning, he wakes up to see hundreds of beautiful girls still sleeping around him. He walks into the hall of his house, and feels crunching under his feet. He picks some off the ground and realizes that the floor and walls are covere...

Act of God

After his wife had a baby, the new minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair and approved it.

When the next child arrived, the minister appealed, and again, the congregation approved the incre...

Old lawyers never die

They just lose their appeal

I had an idea for a suit made entirely of banana skins...

but no one seemed to find it very appealing.

Did you hear about the guy who sued a banana?

He won the initial case but lost on the banana's appeal.

Why didn't the Orange want to be eaten?

Because he wasn't feeling appealing.

Why would a banana go to court?

To get an appeal


Badum tssh

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

You know you teach in a rough neighborhood when...

You ask the class what comes after a sentence and they say, "you make an appeal."

The Apple store in town got robbed last night

the police have sent out an appeal for iWitnesses

How do bananas fundraise?

They make an appeal.

Apple Store robbed

The Apple Store in Regents Street, London, was robbed this morning. Police are appealing for an iWitness!

Hillary Clinton has been frequenting a new restaurant, reports say.

I guess the main appeal of it is her own private server.

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A collection of lawyer jokes.

My grandfather was a lawyer & judge and had a fantastic sense of humor. He has many humorous law books, and the following are some his favorite selections from Larry Wilde's book *The Ultimate Lawyers Joke Book*. Hope you enjoy..

___________________________________________________________...

Nobody wanted to see the naked banana . . .

it just lacked appeal

Why was the monkey attracted to the paint?

Cuz it was yellow and appealing!


Sorry if this is bad. Seen too many of the same jokes here and I wanted to add an original joke.

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Some of Joan Rivers' Best One-Liners

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I hate thin people: ‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?’

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I wish I ...

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The Silent Debate

Note: This is a joke best told in person by somebody who's not afraid to go all out with gesticulations and accents.

The silent debate was a yearly event that was the Super Bowl of the intellectual world. It was watched live by tens of thousands, and broadcast on countless major networks. Fo...

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45 year old charming guy

Having recently turned 45, I thought I had lost all the appeal and charm I used to have with the ladies, until today that is. At my local gas station, the pretty young girl who has served me every other day or so for several weeks asked for my number. I was taken aback. I explained how I was flatter...

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In the market for a new car...

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where...

Removing the skin of an orange...

That's appealing.

I love looking at oranges,

they are just so appealing

If you are a woman and you like men that wear glasses...

I am full of specs appeal.

Why do girls like me more when i'm preparing potatoes?

Because they find me more appealing.

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Just A Little Lie

My uncle Larry, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocked everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hung onto Larry's arm and listened intently to his every word. His bu...

Make sure to dress extra provocative if you ever find yourself in a 5th attempt to overturn a criminal conviction

You'll definitely need that six appeal.

Why are all the ladies attracted to Voldemort?

Because of his hex appeal.

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The Beggar and the Blind Woman

Three homeless men, down on their luck, were looking for a meal by knocking on doors around a fairly wealthy neighborhood. After being rejected several times, they came to a 2-acre, unkempt property. They were greeted at the front by an old blind woman.

"Excuse me ma'am, but would you be abl...

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