The twin twist

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all o...

I went to a wedding and they played "The Twist" so I did the Twist, then they played "Macerena" so I did the Macerena then they played "Come On Eileen"

So I was told to leave.

Another bar joke but with a twist

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra

Cute knock knock with a twist

My little sister (8)
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Nobody
Nobody who?
Why are you asking who’s there if nobody is there?

I really think it is intelligent of her and actually funny!

She told me to tell my Reddit friends. So...

I was carving the Thanksgiving turkey and cut my hand. My not so bright brother-in-law ran over and grabbed the bloody wound with his fingers and started twisting it. I screamed “Ouch!! What the hell are you doing!”

He replied, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut”

Did y’all hear about the new Exorcist movie? Apparently there’s a twist.

The devil comes to take the priest out of the kid.

I have fetish for twisting up water hoses

Some would call it a kink

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It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.

He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants.

“Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!”

He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again.

“Shit!”

He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. O...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Fair warning: This is a repost!

Joe and his wife Martha went to the annual show every year and each time Joe would say: “Martha, I’d like to ride in that plane.”

And every year Martha would reply: “I know Joe, but that plane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10.”

One year Joe and Martha went to the fair and he said: “Marth...

How many twists does it take to screw in a Sid Meier's light bulb?

Just one more turn.

How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

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I told my girlfriend that my penis and my punchlines are similar because they both have twists in the end.

She agreed saying she's never seen either coming.

A classic joke, but with a twist ending.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

“I don’t know, why?”

“To get to the idiot’s house!”

“Knock knock!”

“Who’s there?”

“The chicken!”

“Jim, stop calling yourself names and get inside.”

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him ...

I entered a Twisted Sister lookalike contest and came in last place

I won a rock

Three married businessmen meet for their annual camping trip.

As they see each other only this time of the year, they have a lot to talk about. On their last day in the woods, the men decide to go for a little walk. Suddenly, they hear someone whimper. They follow the noise to a well and with combined efforts, they rescue a little fairy from its ground.
...

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

"Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"Why don't you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I'll help you get the car...

Back in the 1980s, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee.

I'm telling you this now because there was no social media back then

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And it was at this time during the darkest days of Christianity that as he was nailed to the cross and raised up for all to gaze upon his tortured and twisted body he looked down wearily at his 12 apostles and speaking softly with his last gasping breath said unto them...

"Don't touch my fucking Easter eggs I'll be back on Monday."

Wanna know why Alabama is so weird and twisted?

Because it's in their incestors blood.

A Pavlovian Twist

The ultimate Pavlovian twist is that whenever you hear the name Pavlov you think of a dog

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Twist

A guy walks into a bar.

The bartender points to a young woman sitting at a table and says to the guy, “She’ll give you a blowjob and sing the Star Spangled Banner at the same time for 20 bucks.” (This is difficult to do.)

The guy goes, “I have to see this for myself.” He walks over to ...

I went to my retro themed grad party last year...

It was a stereotypical grad party themed around the days of old. Everyone wore old clothes and had classic American food. The music was old too


First was the "Twist", and only a few people were dancing on the floor

The next song was "Jump" and the majority of the people were jumpin...

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. ...

My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"

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Two lip-reading deaf guys walk into a pub.

One turns to the other and says (in a mongy deaf voice), "You go find a seat...I'll get the drinks in".
He walks up to the bar and says, "Bartender, could I please have two pints of lager?"
"Certainly," replies the barman, "That'll be £10."
"Ten pounds?" gasps the deaf guy, "That's a...

What is George W. Bush’s favorite song?

Twisted Sister - “I Want Iraq”

A string walks into a bar

Bartender: we don't serve your kind here.

The string then walks out of the bar twist himself up and parts his hair then returns.

Bartender: aren't you the same guy from a minute ago?

String: I'm a frayed knot.

Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up!

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Today, a man twisted my ear, put a blade to my neck and, at end, asked for money.

Fucking Barber.

A twist on your typical knock knock joke

My 4 YO niece told us this joke at dinner. She clearly doesn't understand the punchline.

Knock knock
Whos there?
Orange

Knock knock
Who's there?
Orange

Knock knock
Whos there?
Apple you glad I didn't say orange again!

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There was a scientist

That claimed that all ants are constipated.
A tabloid sent a reporter to investigate his claims.
The reporter traveled miles and miles and reached his expedition in the Amazon, finding him surrounded by students looking in awe at him picking ants off a colony.

The journalist respectfull...

Row row row your boat

Roll roll roll your joint. Twist it at the end. Take a puff and that's enough. Now pass it to a friend.

A string walks into a bar

He orders a drink, but the bartender shakes his head. "We don't serve strings!"

Disappointed, the string walks outside. He twists, spins, and wraps himself into a mess. He drags himself up and down the sidewalk.

Looking rough, he walks back in the bar. Before he can even sit down, the ...

Plot twist joke

The couple drives silently in a car along the country road. She suddenly says,"Walter, I'm getting a divorce!"
He doesn't say anything, just accelerates slightly.
She says,"I've had a relationship with your best friend for a long time, and he's a better lover than you." He doesn't say anything...

They say some of the best comedians in the world have dark and twisted pasts...

It's why I lose the annual comedy competition to the orphanage down the street.

A rope walks into a bar....

The bartender says, "hey, we don't serve ropes here sir". So the rope goes out side gets twisted and messes up his hair and walks back in minutes later. "Hey are you that rope that I told to leave earlier" shouted the bartender. He looks at the bartender and says "No sir, I'm a frayed knot".

Most people think I'm sick and twisted...

But I'm not! I have the heart of a little girl.

In a jar.

On my desk.

The joke about the priest and an bus driver

(If i have mistakes in my writing,i am sorry cuz english is NOT my prime language)
Ok so a priest and a bus driver were at the gates of heaven,and they were greeten by jesus himself.BUT here is the plot twist.Jesus only lets the bus driver in heaven but not the priest.
The priest:Excuse me Jes...

I wouldn't believe anybody with scoliosis if I were you.

They're twisted people.

My friend's dad is a war photographer, but with a twist.

He goes into battlefields after the shooting's stopped and takes pictures of the aftermath.

The newspaper he works for got him a contract to take photos in Iraq. Well, this was just after the war broke out, and he couldn't just fly into the country, not while there was a war. So he flew into...

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.

I take that as a compliment.

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A middle-aged woman is conscious about the way she looks as she's coming of age...

Especially about the wrinkles that are starting to come out around her face. So she decides to go to the plastic surgeon.

"Doctor doctor, what can you do about these wrinkles?"

"Hmmm, in your case, I'd recommend a very innovative, yet very cheap method. I'll install these two tiny sc...

I got kicked out of a bar last night...

It was a goofy place, they had a “classic music” dance contest. I was the clear winner. They played “The Hustle” so I did The Hustle. They played “The Twist” so I did the twist.

But then they played “Come On Eileen”

A fighter pilot finishes refueling from a refueling plane.

The fighter pilot, feeling superior, gets on the radio and tells the refueling pilot to watch this. The fighter pilot goes through an array of aerial acrobatics. Tight twists, loops, and s-curves. He gets back on the radio and tells the refueling pilot he must be jealous cause his plane cant do that...

Want to hear a plot twist?

Tolp.

Did you hear the story about the tornado?

Spoiler alert, there’s a twist at the end

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A twist on a classic

"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up ...

My life is like going to see a M. Night Shyamalan film....bizarre characters, lots of plot twists

and I want my money back.

An older man was getting sicker and sicker as time went by...

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

O...

Good old days

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why d...

I don't like Haikus; But I like ironic twists

I am conflicted

What happens when you twist a car?

You get a Mercedes-Bends.

Here's an old legend with a new twist

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the tow...

Refrigerator kills all

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.” The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went ou...

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A date with a twist..

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid...

I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.

It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

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