The 88+ Best Describe Jokes

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I..

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

My interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word.

I replied “vague”

He asked, “can you elaborate?”

I said, “yes.”

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

Lazy

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

"The most violent book I have ever read"

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.

Love Dad.
\~\~\...

What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?

'Ginger'

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There's actually a mathematical formula to describe all the Republicans lining up to pretend like the January 6th attack didn't happen.

It's called the Fibbing Nazi Sequence.

My wife just described me as the 2nd least inquisitive person she's ever met

"Fair enough." I said.

My girlfriend left me because of what she described as my "weird pasta fetish"

Now I'm feeling cannalonli

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How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?

In Fidel.

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My wife was trying to describe what it's like shopping for a bra.

As an analogy she suggested, "It'd be like trying to find something to hold your dick that looks nice *and* feels good."

...

I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I did."

Words can't describe how beautiful you are...

But numbers can.

2/10

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

Someone asked me to describe myself in 4 words

I said "bad at counting"

How would you describe a bad joke about pancakes?

Wawful.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

How do you describe stitching that is mediocre?

Sew sew.

Bonus: how do you describe a field that has been mediocrely planted?

Sow sow.

I have been described by some women as a bit of a looker.

Voyeur I think is the legal term.

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Describe your sex life in two words.

"My what?"

How does a baker in Alabama describe his occupation?

“I’m in bread.”

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Why did you break up with your girlfriend? You described the sex as mind blowing?

That's right. She didn't mind blowing other guys.

When a guy describes himself as an alpha, I often think that's a pretty accurate description...

Because after all, alpha is slow, heavy and really bad at penetrating biological material.

Doctor: describe your average night

Patient: they wear suits of armor

Doctor: no, i mean at bed time

Patient: they probably take it off

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A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems The Doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" The biker replies..

...Yes Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!

Wife (to husband): How would you describe me?

Husband: ABCDEFGHIJK.

Wife: What do you mean?

Husband: Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Funny, Graceful, Helpful, Intelligent.

Wife: What about JK?

Husband: Just Kidding.

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about ...

How does a castle hooker describe her job?

I work most knights

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Been trying to find the best way to describe my penis...

...I've been thinking long and hard.

Credit: Gary Delaney

I was told to describe myself in three words...

I replied with "always messes things up".

I was asked to describe the last two us presidents in 5 words

Orange is the new black

How do you describe an astonishing contraceptive?

Inconceivable!

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Describe your sex life using a movie title

Me : Gone in 60 Seconds

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What's the best adjective to describe getting a blowjob from a sapiosexual?

Mind-blowing

Interviewer: What are three words that describe you?

Applicant: Hardworking, intelligent and dishonest.

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What's the correct term to describe an Alabama Girl that can run faster than her brothers?

Virgin.

There’s an equation to describe the magnetic field generated by a constant current

But everyone says it’s BS

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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level He described a typical day this way:

'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big tre...

Police have arrested a gang of Corn Flakes that they alledge committed a spree of armed robberies throughout the metro area. A Police spokesman described them as...

....cereal offenders.

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How do you describe a Welshman masturbating?

A Taffy pull.

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and ...

How do you describe your jewish friend who makes alcohol?

He Brew

Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly?

The words are right on the tip of my tongue.

How do you describe all of Russian history?

But then it got worse.

A physics student asked her professor to describe what happened right before the Big Bang...

....but the professor couldn't, because there was no time.

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A marriage counsellor is holding a group session and asks the husbands what bird would best describe their wife..

The first husband says "well my wife reminds me of a swan" .. "why is that" asks the counsellor , "because she's beautiful and graceful" replies the husband

The second husband says "I think an owl best describes my wife" "really"? says the counsellor , "yes because she is wise and int...

If I could describe all the horrible things that a lifetime of inhaling paint has done to me in one word, ...

... that word would be brain damage.

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

What is a 4 letter word that can be used to describe a particular type of woman which ends in U-N-T?

Aunt

During an interview, the interviewer told me to describe myself using 3 adjectives. My response was...

"Lazy."

I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer says to me ‘How would you usually describe yourself at work?’

I said ‘With words, but today I’m going to use interpretive dance’

A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said

I don't know, it happened so fast.

If Government was software how would you describe its issues?

Answer: Too much middleware and a major lack of API functionality.

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Went to the doctors office and described the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

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How did the male porn star describe the female porn star’s beauty?

He said she had the nicest face he ever came across.

What's the worst way to describe asthma?

It's breathtaking

Rushing to the hospital, the paramedic asks the man, "Can you describe the snake that bit you?"

"Yes, it was like an angry rope"

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I wish the name of a business would describe what it sells...

Curry's doesn't sell curries, dominos doesn't sell dominoes, and the virgin megastore, what a disappointment.

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Describe eating spicy food.

That shit burns.

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I wanted to describe my girlfriend's aesthetic, but "big tiddy goth gf" seemed too disrespectful.

So now I say she's a wiccan thick'n ready for a dickin'.

What‘s the best way to describe a narcissistic fisherman?

Selfish.

The military described the drone strike as "surgical"

This was accurate. It was bloody, it was invasive, and they washed their hands afterwards.

How would you describe an annoyed mother giving birth?

She's having a minor issued.

A man was brought to the police station to describe the suspect for a police sketch but is hesitant because the perpetrator was actually him.

His conscience urges him to tell the truth. It might as well be his self-defining moment.

What are the three shortest words in the english language to describe the shortest thing in the human body?

Is it in?

How do you describe a horrendous male cow stuck in mud?

Terra-bull

An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me.

Its felt like a sine from God

A man and a blonde are in a bar, watching the evening news. They describe the story of a man threatening to jump off a building

The man turns to the woman and says, “I’ll bet you $10 that he jumps”

The woman agrees to this bet, and they continue to watch. The man jumps off the building. Disappointed, the woman turns to hand him $10

The man declines the money. he says sheepishly, “I can’t take your money, I sa...

How does Mrs. Claus describe her husband’s annoying laugh?

Ha ha ha

Dirty Ernie was in school and the teacher says “let’s do description and guessing, Tammy, reach in this bag and describe what you feel” Tammy reaches inside and says “ it’s round and

firm I think it’s a ball “ the teacher says “no! It’s an orange”Johnny comes up next and reaches in “ it’s rectangular and firm it’s an eraser!” Teacher goes no “It’s a granola bar” dirty Ernie stands up and goes “ teacher I’m reaching in my pocket abd felling something long hard with a firm pink ti...

How do you describe the pain of getting slapped in the face 100 times in two seconds?

50 Hertz

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How do you describe an angry Mike Tyson after clogging his toilet?

Flushturd

How'd you describe the story of a priest and a boy?

Touching.

What do you call a girl who you cannot think of a common way to describe?

Ms. Cellaneous

How would you describe a ninja who is always critical about their own abilities?

Stealth-deprecating.

Describe your college life using the name of a beverage?

Mountain Dew.

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I was having sex with a girl the other day, and she started making this horrible sound, I can't even describe it.

Needless to say, it really threw off my hole fucking rhythm.

What do you call a religious song from Helsinki that describes the end of a Mortal Kombat match?

A Finnish Hymn

After repeatedly denying it, I eventually accepted that I have a fetish for using fancy words and phrases to describe things.

I've finally come to terms with it.

I describe my "baggy shirt"...

...and I use the term loosely.

I was asked to describe the feeling of cuddling with a Jedi

It was Lukewarm.

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Describe a time you faced a challenge, and what did you learn from it?

I caught my penis in a zipper. Last time I wear zip-up boots.

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

Can someone describe what this new film "Ford v Ferrari" is about, please?

In Le Mans terms.

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."

\- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

My friends asked me to describe my girlfriend

I told them she's a solid √-100

She's a 10 and she doesn't exist, just like my friends.

How do you describe how Al Gore plays drums?

Al-Gore-rhythms!

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How do you describe Bill Gates's penis

Microsoft

What are the ways you can describe your motorcycle but not your girlfriend?

# It's small, but it makes a hell of a noise.

# If you really push up tight, you can fit three people on it.

# It's ok... If you don't mind the bugs in her teeth.

# Sure you can ride her, everyone else has.

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