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My interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word.

I replied “vague”

He asked, “can you elaborate?”

I said, “yes.”

My wife just described me as the 2nd least inquisitive person she's ever met

"Fair enough." I said.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I

also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces..

I’ll describe myself in three words.

I am a rebel.

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.

Love Dad.
\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\...

How would you describe me?

**Wife:** “How would you describe me?”

**Husband:** “ABCDEFGHIJK.”

**Wife:** “What does that mean?”

**Husband:** “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”

**Wife:** “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”

**Husband:** “I’m just ...

There’s an equation to describe the magnetic field generated by a constant current

But everyone says it’s BS

What’s the best adjective to describe camping?

Intense.

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There's actually a mathematical formula to describe all the Republicans lining up to pretend like the January 6th attack didn't happen.

It's called the Fibbing Nazi Sequence.

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What's the correct term to describe an Alabama Girl that can run faster than her brothers?

Virgin.

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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level He described a typical day this way:

'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big tre...

My girlfriend left me because of what she described as my "weird pasta fetish"

Now I'm feeling cannalonli

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

Words cannot describe your beauty!...

But numbers can. 3 out of 10.

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How do you describe a Welshman masturbating?

A Taffy pull.

If you had to describe yourself in one word, what would it be?

Bad at following directions.

My boss asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

I said "Quite lazy."

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Breaking news: A man was admitted to the hospital with 25 toy horses shoved up his rectum…

Doctors described his condition as stable.

Another kind of long joke.

Charlie was installing a new door and
found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. ...

If I could describe all the horrible things that a lifetime of inhaling paint has done to me in one word, ...

... that word would be brain damage.

The military described the drone strike as "surgical"

This was accurate. It was bloody, it was invasive, and they washed their hands afterwards.

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Guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "We have a challenge where if you complete these 3 steps you win 100 million dollars".

The guy says "oh cool, I'll enter, what are the steps?"

So the bartender describes what the guy must do. "The first step is to down a fifth in under 10 seconds".

*Not that bad* the guy thinks.

"Second," the bartender says, "you have to go into that room in the back. In the room...

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A marriage counsellor is holding a group session and asks the husbands what bird would best describe their wife..

The first husband says "well my wife reminds me of a swan" .. "why is that" asks the counsellor , "because she's beautiful and graceful" replies the husband


The second husband says "I think an owl best describes my wife" "really"? says the counsellor , "yes because she is wise and int...

Describe 2020 in two words

Twenty Twenty

I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted, but when I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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3 people having sex is called a threesome, 4 people having sex is called a foursome.

I guess that's why they describe men as... handsome.

Doctor: describe your average night

Patient: they wear suits of armor

Doctor: no, i mean at bed time

Patient: they probably take it off

Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly?

The words are right on the tip of my tongue.

How do you describe your jewish friend who makes alcohol?

He Brew

I was asked to describe the last two us presidents in 5 words

Orange is the new black

A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said

I don't know, it happened so fast.

Splat goes the cat

a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat ... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the hou...

I was asked to pick a word to describe myself...

But I couldn’t choose between indecisive and hesitant.

A mildly perceptive man is confused for being psychic

One day a man was bored and decided to see if he could trick people into thinking he was psychic.

He setup a booth on a busy street with a sign. "$1 to read your mind."



His first customer, a slightly chubby man, looked skeptical.

"Ok, tell me something about me."

...

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

"The most violent book I have ever read"

An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me.

Its felt like a sine from God

If Government was software how would you describe its issues?

Answer: Too much middleware and a major lack of API functionality.

What's the worst way to describe asthma?

It's breathtaking

What is a 4 letter word that can be used to describe a particular type of woman which ends in U-N-T?

Aunt

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When your wife opts to describe your sex life to her friends as ‘like Michael Jackson wrote *those lyrics* just for us’, what is your very worst case scenario?

‘Beat it, Speed Demon. Leave me alone.’

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

How would you describe an annoyed mother giving birth?

She's having a minor issued.

What‘s the best way to describe a narcissistic fisherman?

Selfish.

A man was brought to the police station to describe the suspect for a police sketch but is hesitant because the perpetrator was actually him.

His conscience urges him to tell the truth. It might as well be his self-defining moment.

I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer says to me ‘How would you usually describe yourself at work?’

I said ‘With words, but today I’m going to use interpretive dance’

What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?

'Ginger'

What are the three shortest words in the english language to describe the shortest thing in the human body?

Is it in?

I was asked which 5 words best describe me

I said, "Really bad at counting"

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Describe eating spicy food.

That shit burns.

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A boy and his balloon

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for...

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

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An obituary

Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.
Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.
Dozens of celebrit...

The son of a jewish man got repeatedly kicked out of every school for bad behavior

the kid was a delinquent and was eventually kicked out of every school he was sent to. not having any more options the jewish father sent his son the only school left in the area: a christian school run at a church. In the christian school the son got perfect grades and the teachers described him as...

If I had to describe myself in 3 words

It'd be 'not very good at maths'

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Went to the doctors office and described the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

How does a castle hooker describe her job?

I work most knights

How do you describe an ambidextrous Greek string musician experiencing legular combustion?

Lyre, lyre, pants on fire

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I wanted to describe my girlfriend's aesthetic, but "big tiddy goth gf" seemed too disrespectful.

So now I say she's a wiccan thick'n ready for a dickin'.

How does Mrs. Claus describe her husband’s annoying laugh?

Ha ha ha

How do you describe a horrendous male cow stuck in mud?

Terra-bull

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A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems The Doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" The biker replies..

...Yes Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is

that you do not talk, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, prattle, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal, converse, discourse, orate or speak about Thesaurus Club.

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Jack and Jill go up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack falls down and breaks his crown and Jill comes tumbling after.

Jill feels physically fine but is not able to see clearly. She decides to go to the optometrist nearby to get her eyes checked. She tells the optometrist about her blurred vision and the optometrist makes her sit in a chair and asks her to read the letters on the eye chart hanging on the wall across...

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A guy turned to his wife who was reading her book and asked

How's your book? Interesting read?

She replied: well, the only way I could describe it, is that it's a bit like our sex life

How so? Replied the guy

Well it's short, boring and a bit predictable.

Rushing to the hospital, the paramedic asks the man, "Can you describe the snake that bit you?"

"Yes, it was like an angry rope"

The ABCs of Marriage

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her carefully, then said, "You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

"What does that mean?" she asked suspiciously.

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous a...

Little Johnny goes to school one day.

As a 3rd grader, the day is pretty uneventful. However, when he takes a break for recess, he sees all of the kids gathered in a circle around his best friend Jimmy.

Wanting to see what all of the fuss is about, he pushes his was through, and sees he friend standing there proudly with his shi...

An elephant escaped from a zoo and no trace had been found....

Until a woman who had never seen an elephant before, called the police.

There's a weird animal in my garden. It's pulling up the cabbages with its tail. And what is worse, I cannot describe what it is doing with them.

How do you describe the pain of getting slapped in the face 100 times in two seconds?

50 Hertz

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Describe your sex life using a movie title

Me : Gone in 60 Seconds

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How do you describe an angry Mike Tyson after clogging his toilet?

Flushturd

4th grade biology...

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students."Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well,...

What do you call a girl who you cannot think of a common way to describe?

Ms. Cellaneous

Doctor: I understand you're experiencing hearing difficulties. Please describe the symptoms.

Patient: Well, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

^(Posted on behalf of /r/ScottishPeopleTwitter's comment section)

Dirty Ernie was in school and the teacher says “let’s do description and guessing, Tammy, reach in this bag and describe what you feel” Tammy reaches inside and says “ it’s round and

firm I think it’s a ball “ the teacher says “no! It’s an orange”Johnny comes up next and reaches in “ it’s rectangular and firm it’s an eraser!” Teacher goes no “It’s a granola bar” dirty Ernie stands up and goes “ teacher I’m reaching in my pocket abd felling something long hard with a firm pink ti...

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Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

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My wife was trying to describe what it's like shopping for a bra.

As an analogy she suggested, "It'd be like trying to find something to hold your dick that looks nice *and* feels good."

...

I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I did."

How would you describe a ninja who is always critical about their own abilities?

Stealth-deprecating.

I describe my "baggy shirt"...

...and I use the term loosely.

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How did the male porn star describe the female porn star’s beauty?

He said she had the nicest face he ever came across.

A man and a blonde are in a bar, watching the evening news. They describe the story of a man threatening to jump off a building

The man turns to the woman and says, “I’ll bet you $10 that he jumps”

The woman agrees to this bet, and they continue to watch. The man jumps off the building. Disappointed, the woman turns to hand him $10

The man declines the money. he says sheepishly, “I can’t take your money, I sa...

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform pre...

Yo Mama So Fat

Ed Sheeran had a seizure trying to describe the shape of her

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How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?

In Fidel.

A Johnny Carson joke I've never forgotten.

One of those memories that are shrapnel from another time.

Johnny: Boy, it's really cold outside.

Audience: HOW COLD IS IT!?

Johnny: Well it's so cold... I saw a flasher describe himself to someone.

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Thank you Russia...

for this beautiful green tractor! Woke up one day to see this massive beauty on my front road. Too bad it didn't have any fuel, had to tow it to my garage to fill her up.


Seems like I could store plenty of stuff in these 2 big boxes at the top. "Miss suh les"? Is that a new Russian word...

How'd you describe the story of a priest and a boy?

Touching.

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"The Daily Post wishes to apologise for a misprint in last Saturday's edition which described Major-General Sir John Simpkin as a 'bottle-scarred veteran' ".

"This should of course have read 'battle-scared' ".

Police in Wales (UK) publish results of recent 'Anonymous Offensive Weapon Surrender' scheme.

Cardiff Central Library in which the amnesty took place last night, is already being celebrated as a 'Significant victory for the people of Wales, its safety and security going forward' by its Chief of Police.

Among the 200+ weapons collected in the haul comprised of:

120 knives and s...

During an interview, the interviewer told me to describe myself using 3 adjectives. My response was...

"Lazy."

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Describe a time you faced a challenge, and what did you learn from it?

I caught my penis in a zipper. Last time I wear zip-up boots.

Can someone describe what this new film "Ford v Ferrari" is about, please?

In Le Mans terms.

I was asked to describe the feeling of cuddling with a Jedi

It was Lukewarm.

Chris Rea's two biggest hits in the UK are 'Driving home for Christmas' and 'Road to Hell'

Which if you have a family like mine, both songs describe the journey.

What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?

No country for old men

My friends asked me to describe my girlfriend

I told them she's a solid √-100

She's a 10 and she doesn't exist, just like my friends.

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How do you describe Bill Gates's penis

Microsoft

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I was having sex with a girl the other day, and she started making this horrible sound, I can't even describe it.

Needless to say, it really threw off my hole fucking rhythm.

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and ...

What are the ways you can describe your motorcycle but not your girlfriend?

# It's small, but it makes a hell of a noise.

# If you really push up tight, you can fit three people on it.

# It's ok... If you don't mind the bugs in her teeth.

# Sure you can ride her, everyone else has.

How do you describe how Al Gore plays drums?

Al-Gore-rhythms!

I was asked to describe what a fire detector was..

I told them it was what my dad used to tell him that dinner was ready.

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I wish the name of a business would describe what it sells...

Curry's doesn't sell curries, dominos doesn't sell dominoes, and the virgin megastore, what a disappointment.

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