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Describe Jokes

My interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word.

I replied “vague”

He asked, “can you elaborate?”

I said, “yes.”

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

"The most violent book I have ever read"

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

Lazy

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I..

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

How would you describe a bad joke about pancakes?

Wawful.

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How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?

In Fidel.

Words can't describe how beautiful you are...

But numbers can.

2/10

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There's actually a mathematical formula to describe all the Republicans lining up to pretend like the January 6th attack didn't happen.

It's called the Fibbing Nazi Sequence.

I'm going to describe myself in three words:

1. Lazy
2.
3.

My girlfriend left me because of what she described as my "weird pasta fetish"

Now I'm feeling cannalonli

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My wife was trying to describe what it's like shopping for a bra.

As an analogy she suggested, "It'd be like trying to find something to hold your dick that looks nice *and* feels good."

...

I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I did."

Someone asked me to describe myself in 4 words

I said "bad at counting"

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Describe your sex life in two words.

"My what?"

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

Doctor: describe your average night

Patient: they wear suits of armor

Doctor: no, i mean at bed time

Patient: they probably take it off

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

How do you describe stitching that is mediocre?

Sew sew.

Bonus: how do you describe a field that has been mediocrely planted?

Sow sow.

How does a baker in Alabama describe his occupation?

“I’m in bread.”

How does a castle hooker describe her job?

I work most knights

I have been described by some women as a bit of a looker.

Voyeur I think is the legal term.

Actresses working with Tarantino have described him as a very demanding director, with whom it took effort to set proper boundaries.

"You know how it goes", they said. "You give him an inch, and he takes a foot".

Wife (to husband): How would you describe me?

Husband: ABCDEFGHIJK.

Wife: What do you mean?

Husband: Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Funny, Graceful, Helpful, Intelligent.

Wife: What about JK?

Husband: Just Kidding.

How do you describe an astonishing contraceptive?

Inconceivable!

I was told to describe myself in three words...

I replied with "always messes things up".

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Describe your sex life using a movie title

Me : Gone in 60 Seconds

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."


She asked, "What does that mean?"


He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."


She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about ...

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Why did you break up with your girlfriend? You described the sex as mind blowing?

That's right. She didn't mind blowing other guys.

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Been trying to find the best way to describe my penis...

...I've been thinking long and hard.

Credit: Gary Delaney

What’s the best adjective to describe camping?

Intense.

Interviewer: What are three words that describe you?

Applicant: Hardworking, intelligent and dishonest.

When a guy describes himself as an alpha, I often think that's a pretty accurate description...

Because after all, alpha is slow, heavy and really bad at penetrating biological material.

I was asked to describe the last two us presidents in 5 words

Orange is the new black

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."


\- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

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Describe eating spicy food.

That shit burns.

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A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems The Doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" The biker replies..

...Yes Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

How do you describe all of Russian history?

But then it got worse.

Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly?

The words are right on the tip of my tongue.

What's the worst way to describe asthma?

It's breathtaking

How do you describe your jewish friend who makes alcohol?

He Brew

There’s an equation to describe the magnetic field generated by a constant current

But everyone says it’s BS

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What's the correct term to describe an Alabama Girl that can run faster than her brothers?

Virgin.

Doctor: “Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Patient: “Yes. It looked like an angry rope. “

The military described the drone strike as "surgical"

This was accurate. It was bloody, it was invasive, and they washed their hands afterwards.

I describe my "baggy shirt"...

...and I use the term loosely.

If Government was software how would you describe its issues?

Answer: Too much middleware and a major lack of API functionality.

How would you describe an annoyed mother giving birth?

She's having a minor issued.

What‘s the best way to describe a narcissistic fisherman?

Selfish.

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BREAKING NEWS: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

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I wish the name of a business would describe what it sells...

Curry's doesn't sell curries, dominos doesn't sell dominoes, and the virgin megastore, what a disappointment.

How would you describe the average bully?

Mean.

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How do you describe Bill Gates's penis

Microsoft

A physics student asked her professor to describe what happened right before the Big Bang...

....but the professor couldn't, because there was no time.

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How did the male porn star describe the female porn star’s beauty?

He said she had the nicest face he ever came across.

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Went to the doctors office and described the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

How does Mrs. Claus describe her husband’s annoying laugh?

Ha ha ha

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The creator of mad libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

My friends asked me to describe my girlfriend

I told them she's a solid √-100

She's a 10 and she doesn't exist, just like my friends.

What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?

No country for old men

How do you describe a horrendous male cow stuck in mud?

Terra-bull

Describe your college life using the name of a beverage?

Mountain Dew.

A flat earther was asked to describe fear...

They said there was nothing to fear but sphere itself.

How'd you describe the story of a priest and a boy?

Touching.

How could you describe anachronistic jokes?

They are way ahead of their time.

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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level He described a typical day this way:

'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big tre...

How do you describe how Al Gore plays drums?

Al-Gore-rhythms!

During an interview, the interviewer told me to describe myself using 3 adjectives. My response was...

"Lazy."

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

How does Beyonce describe her political beliefs?

"To the left, to the left."

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Describe your boobs using the simplest words possible.

Like father like daughter.

Describe your last relationship with a movie title:

12 Years A Slave

Doctor describes bad food

A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water....

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How do you describe an angry Mike Tyson after clogging his toilet?

Flushturd

I was asked to describe what a fire detector was..

I told them it was what my dad used to tell him that dinner was ready.

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and ...

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