I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”

How do you describe a person's breath that smells like metal coins?

Minted fresh

How do you describe a guy who loves knitting but only does the manliest designs?

Male pattern boldness.

Officer: Can you describe what the man looked like?

Victim: Um... Like Eminem, I guess?

Officer: Like... an m&m? A round candy covered chocolate man? Write that down Jimmy.

Interviewer:”Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “ Well, I would say “good at following directions”.

My friends asked me to describe my girlfriend

I told them she's a solid √-100

She's a 10 and she doesn't exist, just like my friends.

A Python Executable Message that Describes this Sub. Yes it really runs...

this = we = 1

# Start reading here...
try:
def ending(your, self):
for reposting in [this.__sub__]:
while we:
raise 'hell'
except:
None and None

How would you describe a dog that is cold and distant?

Awoof

How does Beyonce describe her political beliefs?

"To the left, to the left."

All of my posts consistently get too hot. Honestly on fire would better describe them.

Like I don't even try it just happens! But I swear if it happens to me one more time someone else better start trying to fence off this damn volcano.

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

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On being asked to describe Bill's penis, Melinda Gates could only think of one word...

Microsoft

A flat earther was asked to describe fear...

They said there was nothing to fear but sphere itself.

How does a castle hooker describe her job?

I work most knights

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Describe your sex life using a movie title

Me : Gone in 60 Seconds

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I go to the doctors office and describe the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

I was asked to describe the feeling of cuddling with a Jedi

It was Lukewarm.

Quick! What is a four letter word that ends with UNT, that describes a woman?

AUNT!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with a girl the other day, and she started making this horrible sound, I can't even describe it.

Needless to say, it really threw off my hole fucking rhythm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the best way to describe your Dad?

A motherfucker!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The same word describes my boobs in 2 languages,

Gross

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What U.S. State describes 90% of people on Reddit?

Virginia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the male porn star describe the female porn star’s beauty?

He said she had the nicest face he ever came across.

Words cannot begin to describe how truly beautiful you are...

But numbers can 3/10

How do Scottish people describe a no display error?

nvidia

How do you describe a mythical cow?

Legendairy

How do you describe an ISIS member who likes to surf?

Radical, dude.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: **"I'm just kidding!"**

I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

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The marriage counsellor asked me and my wife: "Describe your sex life in three words."

I said, "Depends who with..."

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A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems The Doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" The biker replies..

...Yes Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!

Little Johnny has an assignment from school to describe society and how it works. (Long)

Now, being a little kid he had no idea what to do, so he asked his dad for help. His dad said “ OK, so first think of me as the President, your mum as the Congress, the maid as the workforce and your baby brother as the future. Now see what happens and write that up.”

So Johnny did this and f...

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Someone once asked me to describe my sex life using an analogy. I compared it to an amoeba.

Because I reproduce alone :(

There is a term used to describe Mongolians who follow Buddha's teachings.

They are referred to as "nomads."

Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt

When he put his gun back in his pocket

Describe your college life using the name of a beverage?

Mountain Dew.

How do you describe a Cannibal

Someone who is fed up with people

Doctor describes bad food

A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water....

I was chatting with a fat girl visiting from London. She said, "How would you Americans describe me?"

I tried to be nice so I said, "Perhaps just as a broad broad abroad."

How does an Irishman describe a pub with no beer?

"Pintless."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a 6-letter word that starts with the letter “n”, has 2 vowels in it, the letter "r" in it, and perfectly describes black people?

Normal.

I’ve heard that ‘obsessed’ is a word lazy people use to describe ‘dedication.’

But I would never call my wife lazy.

Person: Describe your life in 3 words.

Me: Rolled a One

How would one describe an especially pleasing surface magma flow?

Lavaly

How would you describe an anti-vaxxer family with three children?

Double income, no kids.

During an interview, the interviewer told me to describe myself using 3 adjectives. My response was...

"Lazy."

What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?

'Ginger'

Teacher: "How would you describe your level of programming?"

Students: "Low"

Teacher: "Ok, fine, you can write programs in assembler then"

Police Officer: Ma'am, can you describe the person who assaulted you?

Woman: Oh yes, officer. I'm certain it was that man on the TV who hijacked that truck full of electric razors.

Police Officer: Ma'am, I'm afraid you been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooth criminal.

Job interviewer: What two words best describe you?

Me: Functioning Alcoholic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish the name of a business would describe what it sells...

Curry's doesn't sell curries, dominos doesn't sell dominoes, and the virgin megastore, what a disappointment.

How do you describe a mathematician's day-to-day work?

Variable

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and ...

How do you describe a racist that only has one foot?

Lack toes intolerant.

How do you describe all of Russian history?

But then it got worse.

How many words are needed to describe how Trump is taking America?

Definitely not four-words..

The biology teacher asks Johnny if he can describe what a specimen is?

Sure teach, a specimen is an Italian astronaut!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Describe your boobs using the simplest words possible.

Like father like daughter.

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How do you describe a Jew making Tea?

He-brew

What dessert best describes your girlfriend after a workout?

Sorbet

Which word describes someone that refuses to believe that rivers can flow from south to north?

de-Nile

I asked a group of women to describe their husbands using a soft drink [possibly NSFW]

The first said, "Mtn Dew, because he's always ready to mount 'n' do me"

The second said, "7up, because it may only be seven inches but it's always up"

The third said, "Jack Daniels"
I said, "But that's a hard liquor"
She relied, "Yes, and so is he"

My teacher asked me to describe myself in one word

So I wrote, "not good at following directions."

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."


She asked, "What does that mean?"


He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."


She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How would you describe what Japanese fishermen do?

They have a wale of a time.

What is the best adjective to describe somebody who incessantly makes puns?

PUN-gent!

^^^I'm ^^^sorry

Doctor: I understand you're experiencing hearing difficulties. Please describe the symptoms.

Patient: Well, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

^(Posted on behalf of /r/ScottishPeopleTwitter's comment section)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

From my job tonight, doing phone surveys: "How would you describe your sexual orientation?"

"Horizontal -- but sometimes we like to switch it up."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was trying to describe what it's like shopping for a bra.

As an analogy she suggested, "It'd be like trying to find something to hold your dick that looks nice *and* feels good."

...

I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I did."

What do you call a religious song from Helsinki that describes the end of a Mortal Kombat match?

A Finnish Hymn

In 2 words describe the invention on a shovel

Ground Breaking

How do you describe someone who can't wake up during a nightmare?

Shaken not stirred.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interviewer: Describe yourself in one word.

Interviewer: Describe yourself in one word.

Me: Hired.

Interviewer: (under breath) holy shit can he do that?

In the Middle East during the Crusades, what was the best way to describe someone?

By taking all of their books, parchment and pencils and burning them in a bonfire

A physics student asked her professor to describe what happened right before the Big Bang...

....but the professor couldn't, because there was no time.

My older sister constantly and incorrectly uses the word "ironic" to describe situations in her life.

It's pretty ironic.

How did the extreme campers describe their living conditions?

Intents!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?

In Fidel.

How would you describe Bran from GoT in three words?

Stark raven mad.

How do you describe your buddy who was Born in Prague but lives with you in Australia?

Czech Mate

I just found the best film that would describe my dad

Gone in 60 seconds

"Please describe the incident, ma'am."

"Please describe the incident, ma'am."
"Well, I was walking by that bush and a man jumped out on me with his coat on backwards."
"Go on."
"It was horrible, I could see all his spine bones."
"Ah, yes. I know the type. You, ma'am, have been subjected to a classic flashback."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Belgians walk into a police precinct

and say: "Our Dutch friend is missing. Please help us."

Officer: "Can you describe him to me?"

Belgians: "He's tall, has blue eyes and blonde hair"

Officer: "You described half the Netherlands with this. You got anything more specific?"

Belgians: "Yeah, he has an extra p...

How would you describe the average bully?

Mean.

I can't describe how terrified I was to be in the middle of an earthquake...

...I was shaking.

How do you describe an owner of a couch store who's sleepy?

He's SofaKing tired

A joke told to me by an ex-NSA spook who worked in Western Germany during the Cold War. It describes the past leaders of the USSR perfectly.

Lenin, Stalin, Brezhnev, and Gorbachev are on a train to the Great Worker's Rally in Moscow. Suddenly, the train stops and the great men get out to discover that there are no tracks in front of the train. Worried about making it to the rally on time, the men start discussing a solution.

Lenin...

What did the dumb wife say when asked to describe her husband in 2 words..??

Beats me.

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