How does a castle hooker describe her job?

I work most knights

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I go to the doctors office and describe the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

Quick! What is a four letter word that ends with UNT, that describes a woman?

AUNT!

I was asked to describe the feeling of cuddling with a Jedi

It was Lukewarm.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How did the male porn star describe the female porn star’s beauty?

He said she had the nicest face he ever came across.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[nsfw] [controversial] Describe your sex life only using SpongeBob Quotes

"Are you ready kids"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the best way to describe your Dad?

A motherfucker!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having sex with a girl the other day, and she started making this horrible sound, I can't even describe it.

Needless to say, it really threw off my hole fucking rhythm.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The same word describes my boobs in 2 languages,

Gross

How do Scottish people describe a no display error?

nvidia

I went to the Doctors with hearing problems and he asked, “Can you describe the symptoms?”

I said yeah, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

Interviewer: So, describe yourself in three words

Me: Lazy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Describe your sex life using a movie title

Mine would be home alone

What U.S. State describes 90% of people on Reddit?

Virginia.

How do you describe a mythical cow?

Legendairy

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: **"I'm just kidding!"**

Little Johnny has an assignment from school to describe society and how it works. (Long)

Now, being a little kid he had no idea what to do, so he asked his dad for help. His dad said “ OK, so first think of me as the President, your mum as the Congress, the maid as the workforce and your baby brother as the future. Now see what happens and write that up.”

So Johnny did this and f...

How does an Irishman describe a pub with no beer?

"Pintless."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The marriage counsellor asked me and my wife: "Describe your sex life in three words."

I said, "Depends who with..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems The Doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" The biker replies..

...Yes Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!

There is a term used to describe Mongolians who follow Buddha's teachings.

They are referred to as "nomads."

Words cannot begin to describe how truly beautiful you are...

But numbers can 3/10

I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

Doctor describes bad food

A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water....

How do you describe a Cannibal

Someone who is fed up with people

I was chatting with a fat girl visiting from London. She said, "How would you Americans describe me?"

I tried to be nice so I said, "Perhaps just as a broad broad abroad."

Describe your college life using the name of a beverage?

Mountain Dew.

Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt

When he put his gun back in his pocket

I’ve heard that ‘obsessed’ is a word lazy people use to describe ‘dedication.’

But I would never call my wife lazy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So....a son comes home from school and complains to his dad that, for homework, he has to describe the difference between....

the word “potentially” and the word “realistically” .
The Dad thinks for a second and says... Well son, I want you to go ask your sister if she would have sex with the mailman for 2 million dollars. The son does and the sister answers, immediately without hesitation, “Hell yea, I’d fuck the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone once asked me to describe my sex life using an analogy. I compared it to an amoeba.

Because I reproduce alone :(

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's a 6-letter word that starts with the letter “n”, has 2 vowels in it, the letter "r" in it, and perfectly describes black people?

Normal.

Person: Describe your life in 3 words.

Me: Rolled a One

Teacher: "How would you describe your level of programming?"

Students: "Low"

Teacher: "Ok, fine, you can write programs in assembler then"

Police Officer: Ma'am, can you describe the person who assaulted you?

Woman: Oh yes, officer. I'm certain it was that man on the TV who hijacked that truck full of electric razors.

Police Officer: Ma'am, I'm afraid you been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooth criminal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, slutty, and disgusting..

because she doesn't like when people steal her material.

During an interview, the interviewer told me to describe myself using 3 adjectives. My response was...

"Lazy."

How do you describe a mathematician's day-to-day work?

Variable

How would one describe an especially pleasing surface magma flow?

Lavaly

Job interviewer: What two words best describe you?

Me: Functioning Alcoholic

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Describe your boobs using the simplest words possible.

Like father like daughter.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you describe a Jew making Tea?

He-brew

How many words are needed to describe how Trump is taking America?

Definitely not four-words..

I wish the name of a business would describe what it sells...

Curry's doesn't sell curries, dominos doesn't sell dominoes, and the virgin megastore, what a disappointment.

Which word describes someone that refuses to believe that rivers can flow from south to north?

de-Nile

What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?

'Ginger'

The biology teacher asks Johnny if he can describe what a specimen is?

Sure teach, a specimen is an Italian astronaut!

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and ...

If I had to describe myself in 3 words, it would be:

Can't count very well.

How do you describe all of Russian history?

But then it got worse.

My teacher asked me to describe myself in one word

So I wrote, "not good at following directions."

Doctor: I understand you're experiencing hearing difficulties. Please describe the symptoms.

Patient: Well, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

^(Posted on behalf of /r/ScottishPeopleTwitter's comment section)

I asked a group of women to describe their husbands using a soft drink [possibly NSFW]

The first said, "Mtn Dew, because he's always ready to mount 'n' do me"

The second said, "7up, because it may only be seven inches but it's always up"

The third said, "Jack Daniels"
I said, "But that's a hard liquor"
She relied, "Yes, and so is he"

What is the best adjective to describe somebody who incessantly makes puns?

PUN-gent!

^^^I'm ^^^sorry

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How would you describe what Japanese fishermen do?

They have a wale of a time.

What dessert best describes your girlfriend after a workout?

Sorbet

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

From my job tonight, doing phone surveys: "How would you describe your sexual orientation?"

"Horizontal -- but sometimes we like to switch it up."

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K. She asked, 'What does that mean?' He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.' She said, Oh that's so lovely. And what about I, J, K?' , He said, 'I'm Just Kidding

If I had to describe myself in three words, I would say.

"Not very good at maths"

In 2 words describe the invention on a shovel

Ground Breaking

What do you call a religious song from Helsinki that describes the end of a Mortal Kombat match?

A Finnish Hymn

In the Middle East during the Crusades, what was the best way to describe someone?

By taking all of their books, parchment and pencils and burning them in a bonfire

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

EA AMA: "We have a lot of respect and admiration for the players. We are sorry for the feelings they describe carrying with them these days."

Also, we choose now to live as gay men.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife was trying to describe what it's like shopping for a bra.

As an analogy she suggested, "It'd be like trying to find something to hold your dick that looks nice *and* feels good."

...

I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I did."

How do you describe someone who can't wake up during a nightmare?

Shaken not stirred.

How did the extreme campers describe their living conditions?

Intents!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Interviewer: Describe yourself in one word.

Interviewer: Describe yourself in one word.

Me: Hired.

Interviewer: (under breath) holy shit can he do that?

"Please describe the incident, ma'am."

"Please describe the incident, ma'am."
"Well, I was walking by that bush and a man jumped out on me with his coat on backwards."
"Go on."
"It was horrible, I could see all his spine bones."
"Ah, yes. I know the type. You, ma'am, have been subjected to a classic flashback."

How do you describe your buddy who was Born in Prague but lives with you in Australia?

Czech Mate

I just found the best film that would describe my dad

Gone in 60 seconds

A physics student asked her professor to describe what happened right before the Big Bang...

....but the professor couldn't, because there was no time.

How would you describe Bran from GoT in three words?

Stark raven mad.

Describe the glass to see what sort of person you are.

**Optimist:** The glass is half full
**Pessimist:** The glass is half empty
**Scientist:** The glass contains 125 ml of H2O, and 125 ml of air
**Engineer:** The glass is engineered for an additional 100% increase in water... maybe get a bigger glass, just to be safe
**Manager:** ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?

In Fidel.

"Describe 2016 in 4 words"

"That's a tomorrow problem"

How do you describe an owner of a couch store who's sleepy?

He's SofaKing tired

I can't describe how terrified I was to be in the middle of an earthquake...

...I was shaking.

A joke told to me by an ex-NSA spook who worked in Western Germany during the Cold War. It describes the past leaders of the USSR perfectly.

Lenin, Stalin, Brezhnev, and Gorbachev are on a train to the Great Worker's Rally in Moscow. Suddenly, the train stops and the great men get out to discover that there are no tracks in front of the train. Worried about making it to the rally on time, the men start discussing a solution.

Lenin...

How would you describe the average bully?

Mean.

What did the dumb wife say when asked to describe her husband in 2 words..??

Beats me.

My older sister constantly and incorrectly uses the word "ironic" to describe situations in her life.

It's pretty ironic.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's impossible to describe the trauma of being the child of an abusive mason.

But it's twenty years later and I'm still shitting bricks.

If you were to describe me in a nutshell...

... it would probably be in a fetal position pushing against the sides hoping that the shell would break.

How would you describe a bodybuilder who doesn't have six packs

Abnormal.

A man describes his dreams to the psychiatrist.

Man - "Last night I dreamed that I was a teepee. The night before I dreamed that I was a yurt. What does it mean?"
Psychiatrist - "You're two tents."

How do fish describe being caught and released?

An out of body of water experience.

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