I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

Describe failure in two words?

I can't.

Doctor: describe your average night

Patient: they wear suits of armor

Doctor: no, i mean at bed time

Patient: they probably take it off

I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer says to me ‘How would you usually describe yourself at work?’

I said ‘With words, but today I’m going to use interpretive dance’

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Describe eating spicy food.

That shit burns.

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

Lazy

I was asked to describe the last two us presidents in 5 words

Orange is the new black

How do you describe the pain of getting slapped in the face 100 times in two seconds?

50 Hertz

How do you describe your jewish friend who makes alcohol?

He Brew

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"The Daily Post wishes to apologise for a misprint in last Saturday's edition which described Major-General Sir John Simpkin as a 'bottle-scarred veteran' ".

"This should of course have read 'battle-scared' ".

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How do you describe an angry Mike Tyson after clogging his toilet?

Flushturd

What do you call a girl who you cannot think of a common way to describe?

Ms. Cellaneous

How do you describe an ambidextrous Greek string musician experiencing legular combustion?

Lyre, lyre, pants on fire

How do you describe a horrendous male cow stuck in mud?

Terra-bull

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Went to the doctors office and described the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

After repeatedly denying it, I eventually accepted that I have a fetish for using fancy words and phrases to describe things.

I've finally come to terms with it.

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I wanted to describe my girlfriend's aesthetic, but "big tiddy goth gf" seemed too disrespectful.

So now I say she's a wiccan thick'n ready for a dickin'.

Doctor: “Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Patient: “Yes. It looked like an angry rope. “

I describe my "baggy shirt"...

...and I use the term loosely.

Doctor, doctor

A man goes into the doctors and says "doctor doctor I think I'm going deaf" and the doctor says "can you describe the symptoms" and he says "yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair"

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

Dirty Ernie was in school and the teacher says “let’s do description and guessing, Tammy, reach in this bag and describe what you feel” Tammy reaches inside and says “ it’s round and

firm I think it’s a ball “ the teacher says “no! It’s an orange”Johnny comes up next and reaches in “ it’s rectangular and firm it’s an eraser!” Teacher goes no “It’s a granola bar” dirty Ernie stands up and goes “ teacher I’m reaching in my pocket abd felling something long hard with a firm pink ti...

A man walks into a gym and kills everyone there brutally

After the investigation, the police state that the victims could only be described as ripped and shredded

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Describe a time you faced a challenge, and what did you learn from it?

I caught my penis in a zipper. Last time I wear zip-up boots.

Donald Trump claims he won the election by a landslide

How else would you describe his campaign other than a ‘natural disaster’?

How would you describe a ninja who is always critical about their own abilities?

Stealth-deprecating.

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A man was rushed to hospital with 6 toy horses stuck up his ass...

The doctors describe his condition as stable.

A man and a blonde are in a bar, watching the evening news. They describe the story of a man threatening to jump off a building

The man turns to the woman and says, “I’ll bet you $10 that he jumps”

The woman agrees to this bet, and they continue to watch. The man jumps off the building. Disappointed, the woman turns to hand him $10

The man declines the money. he says sheepishly, “I can’t take your money, I sa...

What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?

No country for old men

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms?

I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair

If I could describe myself in one word...

It would be "bad at following directions".

Word's can't describe how beautiful you are.

But numbers can... 2/10.

A priest and a rabbi have a car accident....

Shortly before shabbat (Friday night) , two drivers – one a rabbi and the other a priest – are in a horrible collision, and both cars are totaled. By what only can be described as a miracle, the two men are unscathed. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, ...

What is the best adjective to describe Mario's balls?

Peach-like

How do you describe how Al Gore plays drums?

Al-Gore-rhythms!

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A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

He says, "Hey, bartender, check this out. My dog can talk!"

The bartender says, "I don't believe that for a second."

"I'm serious. Ask him any question, and he'll give you an answer."

Just to humor the guy, the bartender goes, "Okay, dog. What do you call the top of a house?"...

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

"The most violent book I have ever read"

Three men are hired to work on a ranch.

The first of the three was the youngest. He was told when he is craving a woman to use the barrel behind the barn.
He takes advantage the very first night and describes it to the others in vivid detail. The oldest of the group sat quietly and drank his beer.
The second night he goes bac...

How does a castle hooker describe her job?

I work most knights

I was asked to describe what a fire detector was..

I told them it was what my dad used to tell him that dinner was ready.

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If we had to describe groups of people with only one condiment, Redditors would be...

Olive oil: Fat and extra virgin

Three men die and go to heaven

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rather strange, but they agree.

A cou...

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A man goes to a urologist...

...and says he has a problem with his penis.

"OK, well, can you urinate, can you get an erection?"
"Sure, no problem."
"Ermm, well how about your sex life, can you describe it to me?"
"Well, I wake up and have sex with my wife. Then I make some coffee and vreakfast, and when she co...

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How do you describe Bill Gates's penis

Microsoft

How'd you describe the story of a priest and a boy?

Touching.

Can someone describe what this new film "Ford v Ferrari" is about, please?

In Le Mans terms.

What are the ways you can describe your motorcycle but not your girlfriend?

# It's small, but it makes a hell of a noise.

# If you really push up tight, you can fit three people on it.

# It's ok... If you don't mind the bugs in her teeth.

# Sure you can ride her, everyone else has.

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Describe your sex life using a movie title

Me : Gone in 60 Seconds

A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...

Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.

Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...

Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.

Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she shou...

A friend of mine has never had Mexican before....

So I took him to a nearby food truck that had a delicious assortment of options. He went up to the food truck owner.

Friend: Hi I have never had Mexican before. I was wondering if you can describe what some of these are.

Food truck owner: Certainly sir! Which would you like to know ab...

How do you describe a guy who loves knitting but only does the manliest designs?

Male pattern boldness.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?

'Ginger'

“How would you describe yourself?” Asked the interviewer.

“Usually with words” I said, “but I’ve also been working on my mime skills if you’d prefer.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?

In Fidel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the male porn star describe the female porn star’s beauty?

He said she had the nicest face he ever came across.

Interviewer:”Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “ Well, I would say “good at following directions”.

My friends asked me to describe my girlfriend

I told them she's a solid √-100

She's a 10 and she doesn't exist, just like my friends.

A flat earther was asked to describe fear...

They said there was nothing to fear but sphere itself.

I was asked to describe the feeling of cuddling with a Jedi

It was Lukewarm.

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An American spy is drinking in a Soviet bar.

He is hoping for a politician to come and get drunk, so that he can steal secret Soviet intel.

All of a sudden, a Russian man walks up to him and says: "You! It is clear that you are a Western spy!"

The spy keeps his cool, he was trained for this. He speaks to the man in perfect Russia...

Yesterday I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank...

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

Lets hear it johnny

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOM...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with a girl the other day, and she started making this horrible sound, I can't even describe it.

Needless to say, it really threw off my hole fucking rhythm.

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An elderly Italian man in New Jersey...

An elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,...

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The same word describes my boobs in 2 languages,

Gross

How did the Frenchman describe his lewd Pakistani girlfriend?

Lahore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On being asked to describe Bill's penis, Melinda Gates could only think of one word...

Microsoft

All of my posts consistently get too hot. Honestly on fire would better describe them.

Like I don't even try it just happens! But I swear if it happens to me one more time someone else better start trying to fence off this damn volcano.

Officer: Can you describe what the man looked like?

Victim: Um... Like Eminem, I guess?

Officer: Like... an m&m? A round candy covered chocolate man? Write that down Jimmy.

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues.
"Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."

He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives i...

Doctor: I understand you're experiencing hearing difficulties. Please describe the symptoms.

Patient: Well, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

^(Posted on behalf of /r/ScottishPeopleTwitter's comment section)

My Boss described me as “one to watch” in our office.

Sadly, he was talking to security at the time.

Quick! What is a four letter word that ends with UNT, that describes a woman?

AUNT!

How does Beyonce describe her political beliefs?

"To the left, to the left."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once asked me to describe my sex life using an analogy. I compared it to an amoeba.

Because I reproduce alone :(

It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania...

..and clicked 'add to cart'

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

During an interview, the interviewer told me to describe myself using 3 adjectives. My response was...

"Lazy."

A Python Executable Message that Describes this Sub. Yes it really runs...

this = we = 1

# Start reading here...
try:
def ending(your, self):
for reposting in [this.__sub__]:
while we:
raise 'hell'
except:
None and None

Describe your college life using the name of a beverage?

Mountain Dew.

How would you describe a dog that is cold and distant?

Awoof

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For All You Disney Fans, here’s a little Story about the time I rode the Monorail at Disneyland

One time while riding the monorail at Disneyland, I let out the loudest, wettest, deepest and almost foul smelling fart I have ever ripped in my life. There are no words in the English language that can describe the absolute rancidity of this fart. It was so putrid that actual green gas was visible ...

A guy has been feeling terrible

So he goes to the doctor and describes to him his symptoms. The doctor runs many many tests trying to figure out a diagnosis. After a while he calls the man into his office and the doctor tells him "I have terrible news, unfortunately it seems you have a terminal illness." Bewildered and terrified...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a 6-letter word that starts with the letter “n”, has 2 vowels in it, the letter "r" in it, and perfectly describes black people?

Normal.

The other day a woman described me as a looker

Well, ‘voyeur’ is the actual word she used.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: **"I'm just kidding!"**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

English Literature Class

Professor starts the literature class. "Today's lesson is metaphors. A metaphor conceptualizes and exaggerate a big thing into a small creative image. As an example you can say 'The snow is a white blanket' instead of saying that snow is white. Can anyone say a similar metaphor ? "

"Tom Crui...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was trying to describe what it's like shopping for a bra.

As an analogy she suggested, "It'd be like trying to find something to hold your dick that looks nice *and* feels good."

...

I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I did."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The marriage counsellor asked me and my wife: "Describe your sex life in three words."

I said, "Depends who with..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish the name of a business would describe what it sells...

Curry's doesn't sell curries, dominos doesn't sell dominoes, and the virgin megastore, what a disappointment.

How could you describe anachronistic jokes?

They are way ahead of their time.

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and ...

How do you describe all of Russian history?

But then it got worse.

A flatulent man goes to the doctor

He arrives at the doctor's office and describes his problem: "You see, doctor, I have this terrible problem with my flatulence. I'm farting all the time! Fortunately they neither smell nor sound, if not it would be intolerable! Just right now, while we have been speaking, I've had to let go of a few...

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."


She asked, "What does that mean?"


He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."


She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about ...

How do Scottish people describe a no display error?

nvidia

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