A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

How do uou describe a person during brain surgery?

Open-minded

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

Dirty Ernie was in school and the teacher says “let’s do description and guessing, Tammy, reach in this bag and describe what you feel” Tammy reaches inside and says “ it’s round and

firm I think it’s a ball “ the teacher says “no! It’s an orange”Johnny comes up next and reaches in “ it’s rectangular and firm it’s an eraser!” Teacher goes no “It’s a granola bar” dirty Ernie stands up and goes “ teacher I’m reaching in my pocket abd felling something long hard with a firm pink ti...

Doctor: “Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Patient: “Yes. It looked like an angry rope. “

How would you describe a ninja who is always critical about their own abilities?

Stealth-deprecating.

A man and a blonde are in a bar, watching the evening news. They describe the story of a man threatening to jump off a building

The man turns to the woman and says, “I’ll bet you $10 that he jumps”

The woman agrees to this bet, and they continue to watch. The man jumps off the building. Disappointed, the woman turns to hand him $10

The man declines the money. he says sheepishly, “I can’t take your money, I sa...

I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms ?", he asked.

I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite, I'm perfect!

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?

No country for old men

If I could describe myself in one word...

It would be "bad at following directions".

Word's can't describe how beautiful you are.

But numbers can... 2/10.

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

How do you describe how Al Gore plays drums?

Al-Gore-rhythms!

What is the best adjective to describe Mario's balls?

Peach-like

I will describe myself in two words.

Bad at math.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If we had to describe groups of people with only one condiment, Redditors would be...

Olive oil: Fat and extra virgin

I've come up with a new way to describe the condition of a painting ...

Its state of the art.

I was asked to describe what a fire detector was..

I told them it was what my dad used to tell him that dinner was ready.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you describe Bill Gates's penis

Microsoft

What are the ways you can describe your motorcycle but not your girlfriend?

# It's small, but it makes a hell of a noise.

# If you really push up tight, you can fit three people on it.

# It's ok... If you don't mind the bugs in her teeth.

# Sure you can ride her, everyone else has.

Can someone describe what this new film "Ford v Ferrari" is about, please?

In Le Mans terms.

How'd you describe the story of a priest and a boy?

Touching.

Interviewer - Okay, describe yourself in 3 words

Lazy

“How would you describe yourself?” Asked the interviewer.

“Usually with words” I said, “but I’ve also been working on my mime skills if you’d prefer.”

Two guys go for a job interview

Joey and Frank are good friends who had worked together for over 5 years, but are now between jobs. They decide to go to a hiring agency together. Joey is called in to see the recruiter first, and after about 10 minutes in the room, he comes out elated. "I got the job!". Frank congratulates him and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?

In Fidel.

I finally bought the limited edition thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

How does a castle hooker describe her job?

I work most knights

How do you describe a guy who loves knitting but only does the manliest designs?

Male pattern boldness.

How would you describe an obsessive horologist with disassociative identity disorder?

Someone with too much time on his minds.

Interviewer:”Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “ Well, I would say “good at following directions”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Describe your sex life using a movie title

Me : Gone in 60 Seconds

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

"The most violent book I have ever read"

A flat earther was asked to describe fear...

They said there was nothing to fear but sphere itself.

My friends asked me to describe my girlfriend

I told them she's a solid √-100

She's a 10 and she doesn't exist, just like my friends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the male porn star describe the female porn star’s beauty?

He said she had the nicest face he ever came across.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Texas Man Moves To Alaska

So a Texas man moves to Alaska to find more oil for his company to drill. Here gets bored one night and goes to a local bar. The man sees "Impossible Challenge: Free beer for life for the winner!", out of curiosity he asks the bartender about it. "Hey bartender, what's the challenge?" The man asked....

Divorce

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man test-ified. "So naturally when I am hom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems The Doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" The biker replies..

...Yes Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!

I was asked to describe the feeling of cuddling with a Jedi

It was Lukewarm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I go to the doctors office and describe the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

Officer: Can you describe what the man looked like?

Victim: Um... Like Eminem, I guess?

Officer: Like... an m&m? A round candy covered chocolate man? Write that down Jimmy.

My Boss described me as “one to watch” in our office.

Sadly, he was talking to security at the time.

I can't describe it. It's like I'm stuck to Tom Jones or something! But, don't worry...

It's not unusual.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde entered into a high-stakes TV culinary contest of the ages...

After the three women finished their cooking procedures, they individually lined up behind the curtain of the main stage and each rolled out a cart with their respective dish. To elaborate, three judges would be grading these women on their cooking capabilities.

When the time came for the pre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On being asked to describe Bill's penis, Melinda Gates could only think of one word...

Microsoft

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with a girl the other day, and she started making this horrible sound, I can't even describe it.

Needless to say, it really threw off my hole fucking rhythm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What U.S. State describes 90% of people on Reddit?

Virginia.

All of my posts consistently get too hot. Honestly on fire would better describe them.

Like I don't even try it just happens! But I swear if it happens to me one more time someone else better start trying to fence off this damn volcano.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his ass

The doctor described his condition as stable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The same word describes my boobs in 2 languages,

Gross

How does Beyonce describe her political beliefs?

"To the left, to the left."

My Dad has been admitted to hospital with 3 horses living inside him...

Doctors have described his condition as "stable".

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

A Python Executable Message that Describes this Sub. Yes it really runs...

this = we = 1

# Start reading here...
try:
def ending(your, self):
for reposting in [this.__sub__]:
while we:
raise 'hell'
except:
None and None

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three blondes are in front of the Heavenly Gate...

Each of the blondes lives a sinful and depraved life of sex and drugs. Yet, after their deaths they find themselves before Saint Peter. Peter looks at these three girls and shakes his head.

Then after a moment he speaks, "O.K girls. The Lord as decided to be merciful and give you another cha...

How would you describe a dog that is cold and distant?

Awoof

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

Quick! What is a four letter word that ends with UNT, that describes a woman?

AUNT!

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cute Joke

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
<...

What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?

'Ginger'

A sloth is going about his day when he gets attacked by a gang of snails

A sloth is going about his day when he gets attacked by a gang of snails.

The snails take his wallet and leave. The sloth regains his composure and goes straight to the police station.

The police officer says, "can you describe the gang for us?"

The sloth says, "I don't know. ...

The other day a woman described me as a looker

Well, ‘voyeur’ is the actual word she used.

How could you describe anachronistic jokes?

They are way ahead of their time.

THE STUTTERING CAT

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the gi...

It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania...

..and clicked 'add to cart'

How do you describe a mythical cow?

Legendairy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once asked me to describe my sex life using an analogy. I compared it to an amoeba.

Because I reproduce alone :(

Words cannot begin to describe how truly beautiful you are...

But numbers can 3/10

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: **"I'm just kidding!"**

Who’s Amber?

And why does she always describe my car?

Little Boy

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues.
"Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."

He stops and eventual...

How do Scottish people describe a no display error?

nvidia

Describe your college life using the name of a beverage?

Mountain Dew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The marriage counsellor asked me and my wife: "Describe your sex life in three words."

I said, "Depends who with..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous .

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public i...

How do you describe an ISIS member who likes to surf?

Radical, dude.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a 6-letter word that starts with the letter “n”, has 2 vowels in it, the letter "r" in it, and perfectly describes black people?

Normal.

Little Johnny has an assignment from school to describe society and how it works. (Long)

Now, being a little kid he had no idea what to do, so he asked his dad for help. His dad said “ OK, so first think of me as the President, your mum as the Congress, the maid as the workforce and your baby brother as the future. Now see what happens and write that up.”

So Johnny did this and f...

During an interview, the interviewer told me to describe myself using 3 adjectives. My response was...

"Lazy."

Doctor: I understand you're experiencing hearing difficulties. Please describe the symptoms.

Patient: Well, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

^(Posted on behalf of /r/ScottishPeopleTwitter's comment section)

How do you describe a Cannibal

Someone who is fed up with people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been described as a sex symbol

However, that symbol is a question mark

Iran has announced a controversial move to reopen outdoor markets

Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision

How does an Irishman describe a pub with no beer?

"Pintless."

A Guinness world record judge was fired for obsessing over pun world records

He would go on to describe the firing as the worlds biggest mistake

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish the name of a business would describe what it sells...

Curry's doesn't sell curries, dominos doesn't sell dominoes, and the virgin megastore, what a disappointment.

There is a term used to describe Mongolians who follow Buddha's teachings.

They are referred to as "nomads."

How do you describe all of Russian history?

But then it got worse.

Feeling a little quirky

When I was younger the police asked me, "Can you describe to us the robber?"

I probably should have helped catch the guy, but I had a lot more fun seeing the look on that sketch artist's face as he slowly drew himself.

Doctor describes bad food

A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water....

Kid from The Sixth Sense asked to comment on Game Of Thrones and he described it with one sentence.

"Icey dead people"

I was chatting with a fat girl visiting from London. She said, "How would you Americans describe me?"

I tried to be nice so I said, "Perhaps just as a broad broad abroad."

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."


She asked, "What does that mean?"


He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."


She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was trying to describe what it's like shopping for a bra.

As an analogy she suggested, "It'd be like trying to find something to hold your dick that looks nice *and* feels good."

...

I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I did."

What dessert best describes your girlfriend after a workout?

Sorbet

I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...

I was Nun the Wiser.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.