‘Describe yourself with one word’, my employer asked.

‘Bad with numbers’

The interviewer asked me, “Describe yourself in three words.”

“Lazy.”

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."


\- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

How do you describe your jewish friend who makes alcohol?

He Brew

I told a Hispanic man that I was trying to come up with a term that would describe low resolution video

He suggested “poor k”.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

What's the worst way to describe asthma?

It's breathtaking

What‘s the best way to describe a narcissistic fisherman?

Selfish.

Use 3 words to describe your vocabulary

Limited

If Government was software how would you describe its issues?

Answer: Too much middleware and a major lack of API functionality.

What is a 4 letter word that can be used to describe a particular type of woman which ends in U-N-T?

Aunt

What are the three shortest words in the english language to describe the shortest thing in the human body?

Is it in?

How would you describe a black hole?

It sucks

Doctor: describe your average night

Patient: they wear suits of armor

Doctor: no, i mean at bed time

Patient: they probably take it off

Describe failure in two words?

I can't.

I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer says to me ‘How would you usually describe yourself at work?’

I said ‘With words, but today I’m going to use interpretive dance’

If I had to describe myself in 3 words

It'd be 'not very good at maths'

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Describe eating spicy food.

That shit burns.

I was asked to describe the last two us presidents in 5 words

Orange is the new black

How does Mrs. Claus describe her husband’s annoying laugh?

Ha ha ha

How do you describe the pain of getting slapped in the face 100 times in two seconds?

50 Hertz

How do you describe an ambidextrous Greek string musician experiencing legular combustion?

Lyre, lyre, pants on fire

How do you describe a horrendous male cow stuck in mud?

Terra-bull

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How do you describe an angry Mike Tyson after clogging his toilet?

Flushturd

What do you call a girl who you cannot think of a common way to describe?

Ms. Cellaneous

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"The Daily Post wishes to apologise for a misprint in last Saturday's edition which described Major-General Sir John Simpkin as a 'bottle-scarred veteran' ".

"This should of course have read 'battle-scared' ".

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I wanted to describe my girlfriend's aesthetic, but "big tiddy goth gf" seemed too disrespectful.

So now I say she's a wiccan thick'n ready for a dickin'.

Doctor: “Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Patient: “Yes. It looked like an angry rope. “

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Went to the doctors office and described the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that they would grant them one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN reporter said "well I'm an American, so I'd like one last hamburger with fries."

The leader nodded to an underling, who then returned with a burger and fries. The repo...

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

There was an accident at the glass factory today

Onlookers could Only describe the scene as "paneful to watch"

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

I describe my "baggy shirt"...

...and I use the term loosely.

Dirty Ernie was in school and the teacher says “let’s do description and guessing, Tammy, reach in this bag and describe what you feel” Tammy reaches inside and says “ it’s round and

firm I think it’s a ball “ the teacher says “no! It’s an orange”Johnny comes up next and reaches in “ it’s rectangular and firm it’s an eraser!” Teacher goes no “It’s a granola bar” dirty Ernie stands up and goes “ teacher I’m reaching in my pocket abd felling something long hard with a firm pink ti...

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms?

I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair

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Terrible pain in my nuts!

Well I went to the doctors because I had a pain in my balls, a aching pain deep in my nutsack, and so I go to the doctors, and it’s a female doctor, I walk into her office, I describe my problem and I show her my bits and she tells me I have to stop jerking off! “Stop jerking off?!” I ask her, “that...

How would you describe a ninja who is always critical about their own abilities?

Stealth-deprecating.

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Describe a time you faced a challenge, and what did you learn from it?

I caught my penis in a zipper. Last time I wear zip-up boots.

Someone stole my thesaurus

I have no words to describe how to feel about it.

What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?

No country for old men

A man and a blonde are in a bar, watching the evening news. They describe the story of a man threatening to jump off a building

The man turns to the woman and says, “I’ll bet you $10 that he jumps”

The woman agrees to this bet, and they continue to watch. The man jumps off the building. Disappointed, the woman turns to hand him $10

The man declines the money. he says sheepishly, “I can’t take your money, I sa...

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An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country ...

He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it...

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I just saw a news headline about an unidentified man found beaten, naked, and unconscious in the park.

The report described the man as overweight, unattractive, with a very small penis.

....

So anyway, I just called to see if you were okay. Call me back to check-in, worried about you.

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

"The most violent book I have ever read"

Word's can't describe how beautiful you are.

But numbers can... 2/10.

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Friendly Ghost

A Ghost hunter is travelling the world doing lectures and meet and greets trying to get more people interested in the paranormal.

He's been told that his presentations are boring and lack a certain x factor.

He decides to start his next lecture a little differently and begins by saying...

What is the best adjective to describe Mario's balls?

Peach-like

How does a castle hooker describe her job?

I work most knights

How do you describe how Al Gore plays drums?

Al-Gore-rhythms!

So, I was talking to my British friend.

I told him that I started watching some British TV. The name of what I saw was on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t exactly remember what it was.

He told me to describe it and I said, “you know, the one with the doctor.”

“Oh Doctor Who?”

“No, Dr No!”

“Oh, thanks but I’...

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Describe your sex life using a movie title

Me : Gone in 60 Seconds

What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?

'Ginger'

The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I opened it, all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

How'd you describe the story of a priest and a boy?

Touching.

I was asked to describe what a fire detector was..

I told them it was what my dad used to tell him that dinner was ready.

Donald Trump claims he won the election by a landslide

How else would you describe his campaign other than a ‘natural disaster’?

Can someone describe what this new film "Ford v Ferrari" is about, please?

In Le Mans terms.

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If we had to describe groups of people with only one condiment, Redditors would be...

Olive oil: Fat and extra virgin

A man walks into a gym and kills everyone there brutally

After the investigation, the police state that the victims could only be described as ripped and shredded

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How do you describe Bill Gates's penis

Microsoft

What are the ways you can describe your motorcycle but not your girlfriend?

# It's small, but it makes a hell of a noise.

# If you really push up tight, you can fit three people on it.

# It's ok... If you don't mind the bugs in her teeth.

# Sure you can ride her, everyone else has.

How do you describe a guy who loves knitting but only does the manliest designs?

Male pattern boldness.

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You've got to think fast at times

So, a young woman, Shirley, has a job interview in the morning, but her best friend's bachelorette party is happening that night, and she has to attend. The ladies meet for drinks and party most of the night. As a surprise, some male strippers show up later to their hotel room and whip them up into ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was rushed to hospital with 6 toy horses stuck up his ass...

The doctors describe his condition as stable.

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How did the male porn star describe the female porn star’s beauty?

He said she had the nicest face he ever came across.

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I was having sex with a girl the other day, and she started making this horrible sound, I can't even describe it.

Needless to say, it really threw off my hole fucking rhythm.

An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy.

He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes?

The manager said, "what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time."

Interviewer:”Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “ Well, I would say “good at following directions”.

“How would you describe yourself?” Asked the interviewer.

“Usually with words” I said, “but I’ve also been working on my mime skills if you’d prefer.”

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How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?

In Fidel.

My friends asked me to describe my girlfriend

I told them she's a solid √-100

She's a 10 and she doesn't exist, just like my friends.

A flat earther was asked to describe fear...

They said there was nothing to fear but sphere itself.

I was asked to describe the feeling of cuddling with a Jedi

It was Lukewarm.

A woman was working at a lingerie counter when a customer approached with a pair of frilly panties.

"I'd like to buy these," she said, "but only if you can embroider 'If you can read this, you're too close' on the back."
So the saleswoman took the panties to the tailor in the backroom and described the rather unusual request.
The tailor said, "I can do that. Does she want block letters or ...

With all of the confusion with moving between online learning and in-person learning I lost my thesaurus

I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was

How would you describe an obsessive horologist with disassociative identity disorder?

Someone with too much time on his minds.

Doctor: I understand you're experiencing hearing difficulties. Please describe the symptoms.

Patient: Well, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

^(Posted on behalf of /r/ScottishPeopleTwitter's comment section)

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

Meeting the Parents.

Mortified doesn't describe how Jane's parents felt after meeting her boyfriend. He sported vile tattoos, swore and just had a hostile air about him.

After he left, the mother said, "Dear, he doesn't seem like a very nice person."

"Mom," Jane said, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The same word describes my boobs in 2 languages,

Gross

A priest and a rabbi have a car accident....

Shortly before shabbat (Friday night) , two drivers – one a rabbi and the other a priest – are in a horrible collision, and both cars are totaled. By what only can be described as a miracle, the two men are unscathed. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, ...

A boy comes home on rainy day from a soccer match, completely drenched. His mom asks „How bad was it?“

„Let’s describe it this way: we won the coin toss and decided to play against the current for the first half.“

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a urologist...

...and says he has a problem with his penis.

"OK, well, can you urinate, can you get an erection?"
"Sure, no problem."
"Ermm, well how about your sex life, can you describe it to me?"
"Well, I wake up and have sex with my wife. Then I make some coffee and vreakfast, and when she co...

During an interview, the interviewer told me to describe myself using 3 adjectives. My response was...

"Lazy."

All of my posts consistently get too hot. Honestly on fire would better describe them.

Like I don't even try it just happens! But I swear if it happens to me one more time someone else better start trying to fence off this damn volcano.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once asked me to describe my sex life using an analogy. I compared it to an amoeba.

Because I reproduce alone :(

Three men die and go to heaven

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rather strange, but they agree.

A cou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was trying to describe what it's like shopping for a bra.

As an analogy she suggested, "It'd be like trying to find something to hold your dick that looks nice *and* feels good."

...

I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I did."

It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania...

..and clicked 'add to cart'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

He says, "Hey, bartender, check this out. My dog can talk!"

The bartender says, "I don't believe that for a second."

"I'm serious. Ask him any question, and he'll give you an answer."

Just to humor the guy, the bartender goes, "Okay, dog. What do you call the top of a house?"...

Describe your college life using the name of a beverage?

Mountain Dew.

Officer: Can you describe what the man looked like?

Victim: Um... Like Eminem, I guess?

Officer: Like... an m&m? A round candy covered chocolate man? Write that down Jimmy.

My Boss described me as “one to watch” in our office.

Sadly, he was talking to security at the time.

A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...

Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.

Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...

Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.

Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she shou...

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a 6-letter word that starts with the letter “n”, has 2 vowels in it, the letter "r" in it, and perfectly describes black people?

Normal.

How does Beyonce describe her political beliefs?

"To the left, to the left."

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."


She asked, "What does that mean?"


He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."


She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about ...

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish the name of a business would describe what it sells...

Curry's doesn't sell curries, dominos doesn't sell dominoes, and the virgin megastore, what a disappointment.

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