The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful.

Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour

My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver

To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!

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Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of sex drive.

Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.

Our two granddaughters promised us to let their younger cousin Jimmy (a little boy) to be included in their play.

After a while I found the 2 girls playing house in their room but Jimmy was nowhere in sight. Glancing outside I found Jimmy sitting alone on the front step.

"I thought you were playing house with your cousins.

He answered, "I am. I'm the dog and the dog isn't allowed in the house!"

I asked my Spanish colleague if he could include me on an email

He replied, “CC”

The guy I am dating has a phobia of people that randomly include clothes in sentences

But overall, this shouldn't be an issue

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the largest peni...

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Professor of Logic

So I live in a friendly neighborhood and everyone really likes to talk to their neighbours.

So This new guy moved into my neighborhood and I as a friendly neighbour introduced myself.


"Hi I'm Norm McDonald" so he says something something I don't remember his name. He asks what do y...

Why did the blonde make her password "BatmanRobinBatgirlJokerHarelyIvyOslo"?

Because the rules said it needed to contain at least 6 characters and include at least 1 capital!

I have read that symptoms of the Covid19 virus can include loss of smell and taste. Well I don't know about your sense of smell....

But judging by your hair and clothes I think you might've had this disease for quite some time.

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"I saw a job advertised for a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies panties and prepare for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.

When I asked about the job they said I had to go to Cornwall. I said is that where the job is? No they said, that's where the back of the fucking queue is!!"

Guys I have a problem

I bought some tickets for the UEFA Euro 2020 (hotel and breakfast included) but forgot I was getting married in the same period...

So if anyone is interested.. June 30, 2 pm in the City Hall of Amsterdam. Her name is Sandra.

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Man in hospital

A nurse goes into an older man's hospital room and asks the man, "What would you like for breakfast today?" The older man sits up and begins to describing what meal he would like to have brought out to him...

"I would like a glass of orange juice but instead of using a clean cup, I would like...

My friend's hobbies include photography and playing in an 80's band. He's a lot like a tree in that way

they both like to photo synthesize

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What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

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Be Careful What You Ask For...

There was a guy who was born deformed, he didn't have a body, he was just a head. He had family and a loyal group of friends that would include him and they would usually just carry him under their arm from place to place.

One day he went with friends to a local bar where they sat him on top...

If you die and get cremated, . . .

you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family game night.

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

I know how batteries feel.

I'm not included in most things either.

Dear men, when your girlfriend suggest which of her friends you want to be included in a threesome..

You are supposed to tell one name , not two..

Trust me, I'm speaking from experience...

NASA Scientists were eagerly waiting for the rover to send back the first sounds from Mars.

A program decades in the making, a feat of engineering never before accomplished. Not only did they include high resolution cameras for the landing, but incredibly robust microphones to capture the first sounds from an alien planet.

The team of people were huddled around a lab station for hou...

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why they had such a long password, they rolled their eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."

A world renowned chemist dies.

A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?
To which she replies
"No, just Barium"

Why didn't Earth, Wind & Fire include Water in their name?

Because of Nestle

While working as a prison guard in Prague, part of my job included a lot of walking up and down the prison corridors.

I used to pass a lot of bad Czechs.

My dating profile says I’m an adrenaline junky who laughs in the face of danger and my hobbies include walking on thousands of blades bare footed for fun. I just love the way the blades tickle my feet and there is no way I’m going to be stopped

by a “Keep off the Grass” sign.

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

A collection of math jokes

A big, muscly man enters the bar, slams the counter and says in a deep voice: I want 10 times more beer than everyone here is having.

The bartender says: Now thats an order of magnitude


---------------/


An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar. The first asks for...

I found a church where they include dairy with communion.

They call it "Cheeses of Nazareth"

I hear the new Star was movie will include a Hispanic Jedi Knight.

I can't wait to see Obi Juan Kenobi make his first on-screen appearance.

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I’ve been married for 24 years. The wife told me the older I get, the more horny that I am.

I told her that is not true. I just include her in my plans more often.

Why did the author include a page with a computer generated grid in his book?

Because he auto graphed it.

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There's an email going around that claims to include a nude photo of Hillary Clinton

Don't open it. It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

I asked someone at the Vegan society dinner "do you always include a vegetable in every sentence you say?

they said "not nessicelery"

I build a new high end tower and made sure to include windows.

It would be a waste if you couldnt enjoy the view from up there.

The Alabama legislature didn’t include an exemption for cases of incest in their abortion ban.

They knew that if they had the law would only have prohibited 5% of Alabama pregnancies from being aborted.

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Why aren’t porno movies included in the Oscars?

I mean winning an Oscar pretending to be the Queen of England is one thing, but looking like you’re enjoying two dicks in your ass, now THAT’S acting.

“The total cost would be $5000,” said the funeral director, “and that includes digging of the grave.”

Me: Is that the whole thing?

Him: Yes, that’s the hole thing.

Our one-year-old throws a complete fit if his breakfast doesn't include toast.

We think he might be lack toast intolerant.

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The official list of emojis for 2019 has been updated to include a drop of blood, which is meant to symbolize menstruation. Although, if tech companies really wanted to accurately portray the suffering caused by periods...

...they should use an emoji of a husband quietly masturbating in the bathroom.

They've finally reached a Covid Stimulus deal!

It includes a direct payment of $40 in Kohl's Cash that will be valid from January 3 - January 7, 2021.

This is the first time in 5 years of using this site I remembered that it's my cake day. Im using this post to see the little cake emoji on it. That is all. ( included joke to qualify )

A man walks into a bar. He says ow.Thank you.

Isn’t it funny how many building engineers won’t include a thirteenth floor

Yet book publishers don’t seem afraid to have a chapter eleven...

Semi clean jokes that aren't pervy and don't include death?

I hope I'm okay to post a request - I'm in a hospital with my mother-in-law who continues to have small strokes as a result of her cancer. She can understand what we are saying but can only say yes and no. Most important she can laugh when she hears a good joke. This is where you can help. I need so...

I bought some batteries

but they weren't included

What do dads never forget to include in their "dad" jokes?

PUNctuation






Okay, I'll leave.

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The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

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Woodcutting contest

Once upon a time, there was a woodcutting contest. The tasks included plank cutting, stacking and all the sham, everything within 1 hour.


The first contestant shows up.
The jury asks 'Where are you from?'
'I come from England.' the contestant proudly replies.
'Indeed, you...

Ever wonder why they don't include the cause of death in an obituary?

It's because they want you to show up and ask how they died in person. Why do you think they include the service times?

*This is a joke. Please do not disturb a family who had a loved one pass away.*

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

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With the surge in popularity of Country Music artists that have included rap in their songs, like Jason Aldean and Sam Hunt, this years CMA's will include a new category. As it is a hybrid style of genres, Rap and Country, the producers have settled on a fitting name for the award.

CRAP.

A store for wisdom

Dr. Who was traveling through time and space, when he came upon a cache of the universe's best wise sayings. He loaded them into the Tardis and decided to set up a shop on a nice little corner just outside of reality to sell the sayings to the great thinkers and writers of all time. He advertised hi...

I'm a sophomore in highschool and trying to come up with a joke to include into my physics project, funny-smart people of reddit help me out!

So I'm working on a project with a partner that needs to explain how potatoes and oranges can become batteries by sticking metal in them. I don't want it to be bland though, so if you guys can tell me how to make it funny it'd be great! Thanks

There are three certainties in life:

Death, taxes, and Halloween candy assortments will always include one candy that ruins the bag.

One popular feminine symbol of true romance is roses on a piano.

Most masculine ideas of romance include tulips on an organ.

Batteries

This year I'm getting my kids a set of batteries for christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

A minister of a church meets with the church council

A minister of a church meets with the church council

The council says, “These are dire times. The church only has $5 million and we need about $10 million to survive”.

They all sit quietly, looking sad about this news. The minister then gets up and leaves the room.

The minister ...

Old tribal wisdom says that wh...

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this hor...

With Ryanair, the price of your Flight Ticket does not include baggage or meals.

Now it doesn't even include your flight!

My wife told me, "If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new."

Apparantly, "anything" does not include getting stuck in traffic.

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