Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

It's funny how the colors Red, White, and Blue represent freedom.

Until they're flashing behind your car

not many people know the friends characters represent all seven deadly sins

**Phoebe:**

**Joey:**

**Chandler:**

**Monica:**

**The monkey:**

**Rachel:**

**Ross:** pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth.

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks" says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it".

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks" the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol on...

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What do the Japanese House of Representatives and an old man have in common?

They have erections every 4 years.

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I think I've identified why roses represent love

They’re thorny

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. "I have some good news, and I have some bad news." he says.

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be r...

What do you call the reception area for the advocacy group that represents a major craft store chain?

The Hobby Lobby Lobby Lobby

So the Pope arrives at heavens gate

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

Trump reportedly asked to be added to Mount Rushmore

Turns out granite isn't a dense enough material to represent him

To break the ice before a lab, we were told to tell our assigned groups the chemical element that represents us...

Sally said Helium because she's carefree and doesn't react to much. John said Potassium cause he loves to bring his energy into things and he's not keen on baths. Mary said Iron because she's malleable and likes to support everyone.
I said Uranium because I'm dense, unstable, and toxic.

If the Swan represents happiness, then what bird symbolizes true love?

The Swallow.

(This is my third anniversary posting this joke on a time line near Valentines. My yearly repost if you will)

Corona cases in North Korea are represented in binary.

Number of cases is either 1 or 0

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

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A woman went to a synagogue in Poland after the Holocaust to record the history that was nearly lost forever, where she found an unusual tradition she had never seen before.

At the synagogue, when they carried the Torah\*, they would bring it around to everyone who wanted to touch the Torah, which was normal. But when they brought the Torah down the center aisle, the carrier would get down on their knees and knee-walk all the way!

The woman had never heard of thi...

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A girl goes to the doctor’s complaining of a strange mark on her chest.

When she shows it to the doctor, he sees a letter C imprinted on her breasts.

“How did you get this?” he enquires.

“It’s my boyfriend. He wears a medallion around his neck which has a C on the end of it, representing the university he goes to – Cambridge. And when we make love, it pres...

An old man is sitting with his wife on her death-bed. He asks her about the box containing three eggs and large pile of cash hidden under the bed.

"I'm ashamed to tell you that the contents of this box represents my infidelity to you." she admits with a guilty look. "Every time I went with another man, I'd place one of our chickens' eggs in the carton."

"Well Dear, don't feel bad. I suppose three times in fifty years is no big deal."...

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A single sperm cell has 37.5 MB of DNA information on it. That means that an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

I feel like school subjects need to be represented by animals

English should be a hawk, they have good eyes, and you need good eyes for reading.
History should be bowhead whales since they’ve lived through more than anyone else.
And finally, maths should be snakes, I hear they’re great Adders.

What do the House of Representatives, a left turn only lane, and women have in common?

They have no rights.

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Three men for and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pulls ...

This sub is the most representative sub on this platform.

Cause after a minute of scrolling, you start muttering: Reddit, Reddit, Reddit...

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus

The man sees a wall of clock and asks Jesus, “What are all those clocks for?”

Jesus replied, “These clocks are for representing how much lies a person has told.”

The man points at a broken clock, Jesus said, “That is Mother Theresa’s clock, it has not moved therefore she has never lied...

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

Did you hear about the lawyer who refused to represent U2 in court?

He didn’t want to work pro-Bono

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MATHEMATICAL ANALYSIS OF 100%

What makes life 100%?? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If A B C D E F G H I ...

The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up

Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.

The tele...

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Student 1:My name is Sean Archer and my surname represents that my forefathers were Archers

Student 2 : My name is Sarah Baker and my surname represents that my forefathers were Bakers

Student 3 : My name is John Dickinson and I fucking hate this game

A family walks into a talent agent’s office

The talent agent eyes them suspiciously and having heard the stories decides he would rather not risk it and tells them he doesn’t represent family acts. The Aristocrats leave.

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There are three women in therapy

The therapist says to the women you all have addictions. He says to the first woman your addiction is an addiction to money which is represented in your daughters name, Penny. He says to the second you have an addiction to food which is also represented in your daughters name sweetie.

Before ...

Two Sales Development Representatives walk into an event..

They pitch to each other.

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An annual weaponry competition is being held.

There is one representative each from every country. Each representative wields the main weapon of sorts from their culture. A fly is released within the range if the representative and they must cut it. The nore precise or beautiful the cut, the more points.

The next competitor goes up, repr...

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

Devin Nunes passed a bill in the House of Representatives today.

The hard part was swallowing William earlier in the day.

I hate it when people use the average of several data points to represent their data.

It’s just mean.

A friend of mine started taking baby Ed class where they use bags of flour to represent babies

3 days later he came to class with a cake claiming his baby went through puberty.

I think I have finally made it big in my life. Today a representative from one of worlds biggest company said I have arrived.

It was google maps.

The waiter had a spoon in his pocket

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw t...

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A woman arrived at a party.

While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the ...

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YouTube Review 2018 actually does represent the year 2018 pretty well...

Shitty

If a dove represents peace which bird represents true love?

The swallow.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

How many European Parliament representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick question. You have to have a brain to change a lightbulb.

Michael Avenatti is no longer representing Stormy Daniels

In other words - he pulled out

SHOW ME YOUR CARD

A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an
old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your
water allocation.' The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field
over there.

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the auth...

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Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizoph...

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I think that the nuclear launch codes should be kept in the hands of women, and those codes should also represent the number of sexual partners they have had.

That way they will never give up the real numbers under any circumstances.

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Why did the sex offender represent himself at his trial?

Because he thought he could get himself off.

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[NSFW] A Lawyer Marries a Woman who has had 10 Divorces.

On their wedding night, she tells him, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in sof...

Not sure about this new job offer for prosthetics sales representatives...

I don’t want to be involved in arms dealing.

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Three lads die on Christmas Eve...

Three lads die on Christmas Eve. They approach the pearly gates and St. Peter says that in the Spirit of Christmas, that if they can produce an item representing the Christmas season, they will gain admission. 

David the Englishman pulls out his lighter, flashes it and states, "'Tis a candle ...

What do you call your government representative?

Anything you want; he's not listening.

What do you call someone who's representing a bike shop?

A spokesperson.

[Long] A successful man, working as a sales representative...

...in a large company, tells his boss one day, “If you want me to continue working for you, I need a 20% raise.
You have 24 hours to give me an answer.
I have four companies chasing me, so let me know your decision”.

The boss is alarmed. “In this recession, a 20 percent raise?
So...

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A man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope.

For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy.

Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy.

The next morning h...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a Christmas candle", he said.

"You may pass through the ...

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There’s a painting in a museum of 3 naked black men sitting on a bench, but the man in the middle has a pink penis.

The artist behind the painting is unknown, and no one really knows why the man in the middle has a pink penis. The curator has a story about how pink represents equality at birth, however the true reason was unknown. One day there was a couple touring the museum, and they spent quite a bit of time e...

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90% of the time I know what you want.

A Customer walked into a Wal-Mart and the Me as a good Customer Representative said, "Automotive, aisle 15."

The Customer asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"

I replied, "That's my job."

Another customer walks in, a man and I said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."

...

In the United States the colors red white and blue represent freedom.

Unless they see it in their rear view mirror.

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New HR policy

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase...

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TWO GLASSES OF WINE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in
a day are not enough, reme mber the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front
of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a...

Newspapers represent real life...

There is both black and white, but blacks are the only ones that get sentences

Donald Trump is extremely flawed in every way imaginable, yet he still truly believes he’s the best...

I can’t think of a more perfect representative of the United States of America.

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The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

In Chinese culture the great wall represents true longevity.

It's the only thing from China that lasts more than a few weeks.

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Show-and-Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show-and-tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamine and I am Jewish and this is a Star of ...

From 1973 to 2002, Georgia politician Tom Murphy served as speaker of the Georgia House of Representatives

One day, Republican Congresswoman Anne Mueller rose to speak. She noticed, however, that her microphone was turned off. She said "Mr. Speaker, will you please turn me on?"

Murphy replied: "Thirty years ago, I would have tried."

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Two inmates were caught having sex and the deputy jailer was furious.

The lawyer representing the inmates told the jailer

"Why can't you let bi-cons be bi-cons and move on"

Why was the representative so good at cartwheeling?

He was a spokesman.

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I dreamed I died and went to heaven with you.

When we arrived to heaven, there were clocks everywhere, as far as the eye can see.

We stopped a passing angel and asked them to explain the clocks.

"What's with all the clocks?", I asked.

The Angel responded that they each represent a person on Earth. They keep track of how muc...

Chairman Mao was a keen rock climber who managed to scale all the top ten peaks of China. He commemorated his achievement by getting his ears pierced and adding 10 pieces of jewellery to represent each peak.

he was....(ahem)....MaoTenEarring.

Phone Provider: The next call representative will be available in 10-15

Flute Solos

A big-city lawyer was representing.....

......the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room ...

Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...

Because you're at an all-time low.

(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

The German representative is just about to sign the Treaty of Versailles ending the war.

The Allies representative: "So you take full responsibility for starting the war?"

German representative: "Yes, we take full responsibility for starting World War one"

Allies representative: "one?"

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My friend said he found a website that represents my sex life.

I tried to look for it and an error came up saying, "404-Not found".

Strange, I must have a bad connection.

The little man in the hat. (OC)

There was the short man, about 2-3 ft tall, who had a tall pointy red hat and a big white beard. He would walk around subways and metros and find those people who sit on the ground play music for money.

This man would go up to them and start to stomp and clap a beat for them. Most of the tim...

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A sales representative enters a house

A sales representative who sells vacuum cleaners entered a house and started throwing goat shit at the carpet, the owner is shocked and asks him why did you do that!

The sales man answers him: "This is a very good vacuum cleaner! it can clean all that shit, if it doesn't, I'll eat all of it"<...

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