“The Government” is mandating that I set my clocks back before I go to bed tonight, but I’m going to do MY OWN research, thank you very much.

My clocks, my choice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m conducting a seminar to discuss my research into the benefits masturbation provides to the brains ability to process and remember new information.

Come to know more.

I was going to finalize my research as to why vaccines are bad today

But all of the research sites are down.

A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career

He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.

In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job s...

I just came up with this one, and I feel embarrassed, but... Researchers have found a personality trait common to all people missing a limb from birth, but NOT among amputees.

.. they're all stubborn.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

After years of research, scientists discovered bees are allergic to pollen

Turns out when exposed to pollen, bees develop hives

A researcher is startled to find that 90% of the internet is bots

When confronted that this was realistically impossible, he exclaimed “But all they do is quote movies, books, and shows, and EACH OTHER! No human could possibly be this unoriginal!”

Turtle research

Library Patron: Excuse me, do you have any books on turtles?

Librarian: Hardback?

Patron: Yes, with little heads and feet

A woman stopped an Irishman in the street the other day. She asked, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’

'All right,' the Irishman replied, 'but we won't get much done.'

The institute of unfinished research

The institute of unfinished research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people

I asked my researcher friend, what would happen if I try to swim in containment pool of a nuclear reactor. He said, "Um, you would die pretty quickly..."

"...from gunshot wounds."

A team of researchers has created an advanced, AI-powered supercomputer.

The computer is capable of natural language processing. The primary function of the computer is to be asked a question verbally, and then search through publicly available and internal resources to provide an answer without any information given to it beforehand. The computer responds with the answe...

What do you call research that rubs you the wrong way?

science friction

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

I have done some research, and discovered what food you are most likely to die of a heart attack.

"Caesar Salad."


[OC.]

How many antivaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

It's not my job to give you the answer. Do your own research.

I will have to do some research on fireworks

to know which one will give me bang for the buck.

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penis Study

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, Ger...

I've called my dog Cadbury Research Department

He's a chocolate lab



Where do DJs do their research?

Wiki-wiki-wikipedia

In a small town near Dracholt, the only cow in the town stopped giving milk

After some research, the town folk learned that they could buy one in Aubin, another town near Dracholt, for cheap. The cow was wonderful. Everyone was happy as she produced lots of milk every day. They also got a bull to mate with the cow, so they'd never have to worry about cows or milk anymore....

I tried to research what the term “confirmation bias” means

All I found was a bunch of fake news, so I stopped reading

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The telephone at the antarctic research station is ringing.

A male voice on the other end of the line:

"Are their five-foot penguins?"

"No."

"Fuck. Then I just ran over a nun.

Crow deaths

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I did some research...

and Chinese people like listening to music on their phones with earbuds, black people like portable speakers, Mexicans prefer cheaper systems in their home with big speakers and white people like higher end but compact systems...

Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be discussing racial stereo types.

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

A scientist is researching how far frogs can jump

He places the frog on the table and says "Frog, jump!" And the frog jumps a full 18 feet. He write 18ft in his notes. The scientist cuts off one of the frogs legs and says "Frog, jump!" And the frog jumps 14 feet. He scribbles 14ft in his notes. He cuts off a second leg, says "Frog, jump!" - the fro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientific research show fucking your dog is healthy

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my Lab.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

what does Cruella De Vil wear when she wants to do research?

a lab coat.

Do you know why the researchers have to take a ship to explore the Arctic circle?

Because there's Norway beyond Scandinavia!

I researched about LGBT on internet today

Just couldn't get a straight answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sexologist is asked by a reporter...

Reporter: What is the most peculiar side effect of masturbating regularly?

Sexologist: It causes short term memory loss.

Reporter: Have u done any research on it?

Sexologist: On what?

Teacher: Please provide the ethical definition of copying.

Student:

From one person it's cheating.

From many people it's research.

Researchers at the MIT recently found out...

...

After a few minutes, they went back inside.

If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal?

Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection.

I am in the process of writing a big research paper on hurricanes.

The first draft really blew me away.

After hours of research i still cant make puns about trees

You'd think everything I've Redwood help

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New research shows porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea...

Of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a short Mexican researcher in Antarctica?

A Burrito

First joke I've ever come up with. My Hispanic wife laughed her butt off.

Research shows that facial tattoos completely eliminate certain forms of anxiety

For example, you'll never need to worry about finding a job

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An academic from Oxford University is writing a paper on sheep shagging technique.

Having no personal experience on the subject, he decides to travel across the country and interview farmers from different regions to find out how they shag their sheep.

First, he visits a farmer in Scotland and asks him what his sheep shagging technique is.

“Well laddy, after grabbi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Researchers have found that human sexuality has drastically changed in the last 50 years alone. (NSFW)

If your grandparents covered their furniture in plastic, it was because your grandmother was a squirter.

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.

The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. ...

I’ve been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator.

Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.

St Peter was doing market research with the applicants at the Pearly Gates. Three men were awaiting entry.

"Cause of death?" St Peter asked the first.

"I suspected my wife was cheating on me," the first man replied, "so I came home early and burst into my apartment on the twenty-first floor. I ran into the bedroom and my wife was lying naked on the bed. I searched the apartment but found no-one. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

Did you hear about the scientist who devoted his life to researching how to create potassium out of thin air?

Some could say... >!he’d gone bananas!<

So eminem opened up a mom’s spaghetti restaurant

What’s next? Dr Dre opening up a Dementia Research Facility?

I'm a scientist doing research in bestiality.

Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pissed off God by not seeing everyday miracles.

There's an old joke...

There's a flood. A man is standing in knee deep water in his house. Another man in a canoe paddles by and says "Get in I'll row you to safety!"

The man says,"No thanks. I've prayed and God will save me".

The water gets to his chest. Another man in a bass b...

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.

"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."

The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

I've been hired to research vehicles for Scott Van Pelt's new fur delivery company

My business card reads *Scott Van Pelt Pelt Van Scout*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm planning on starting a strip club....

... in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.


I will hire people from ex law enforcement as strippers.


The slogan for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".

The slogan did pretty well in market research polls.

One morning, at the research lab...

...an assistant accidentally left a cage open while cleaning, and a little bunny rabbit escaped when he wasn't looking. The little bunny rabbit followed the assistant out of the room, down the hallway, and right out the door.

The little bunny rabbit looked around in amazement; he'd been bor...

Ronald Reagan asks a mathematician: "What is two plus two?"

The mathematician replies "Four, Mr President."

Unsatisfied, Reagan asks a statistician. "What is two plus two?"

The statistician says "Based on our research, most people think it's between 3.8 and 4.3."

Still unsatisfied, Reagan asks an economist: "What is two plus two?"
...

There was a story in the news this morning (really!), that researchers have determined that dogs can tell who is infected with COVID-19 with 96% accuracy, even before someone is symptomatic.

My dog is scaring me to death. He came over to me just now, wearing a surgical mask and face shield. I think he's trying to tell me something.

Also suspect that when you go to the hospital with COVID symptoms, they will do a DG scan. It's like a CT scan, only with a dog instead of a cat.

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

My friend confessed to me saying that he was starting to develop a bestiality fetish...

Not wanting to kink shame him I ask “How did you get into it?”

“Well I did some research on the internet and ended up going down a rabbit hole”

There's no need to do market research before opening a new bordello.

If you build it, they will cum.

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

African Grey Parrots are famously intelligent, but studies have shown that they consistently lose chess matches against ravens, jackdaws, and other corvids.

Said one researcher, "They just have trouble weighing the crows and pawns."

Lawyers

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity....

A politically-appointed medical research director had been busy pushing recruitment for round after round of hydroxychloroquine tests. After another poor result, a White House aide walked in. "Doctor, the President has demanded another HCQ test. Can you do it?"

The director sighs, rubs his temples, and sits back in his chair. "No. Quite frankly, I don't have the patients."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sheep shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

I just got off the phone with a researcher in China. He says it's not worth getting the Covid-19 now.

As they are expecting the Covid-20 PRO to be released in September

A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero.

Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.

But they’ll be 0K.

I was researching infinity until it hit me...

that endeavor would take me forever

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

I thought I might be an alcoholic, so I did some research. It turns out the first sign of alcoholism is denial...

So I guess I'm not an alcoholic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to a research 90 percent of men date with three women at the same time.

But i have only one. Which of you bitches stole my women?

I was doing some scientific research on the House of Hapsburgs and I have now discovered

The Theory of General Relativity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quarrantine Day 7: Research continues on the effect of excessive masturbation on eyesight.

Dont forget to press the "subscribe" button to see my next video!

What do you call a highly cited epidemiology researcher with a social media presence?

An influenzer.

A team of researchers have figured out how to reduce the rate of new mental disorder cases by 100%!

“Stop diagnosing them.”

Upon reexamination, groundbreaking research suggests a new theory of dinosaur extinction

Traffic accidents. Amongst the thousands of dinosaurs unearthed, not one has been found wearing a seat belt.

Vera Lynn used to work at an Arctic research station. She wrote a protest song about the lack of variety in the staff canteen.

Whale meat again?

Legal Humor

A recent news headline indicated that lawyers were now being used as experimental test subjects in place of laboratory rats. I read further because this just didn't seem right, but the story gave several very solid reasons for the substitution of lawyers for rats.

First: There are more of t...

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog.

So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 175 years, researchers have finally figured out what caused the Irish Potato Famine of 1845

One of the potatoes that rose to power was named Richard. He was a Dick tater.

I didn’t know what an orgy was so I decided to do a bunch of research.

It’s all coming together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During a recent archaeological dig, researchers believe they have found the worlds first tampon...

...but they don't know from what period.

After extensive research I've come to the conclusion that 10 is smaller than 5!

I finally understand factorials!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

Researchers have recently started using lawyers instead of rats in their lab experiments.

You don’t get so attached to them, and there are some things a rat just won’t do.

A group of 6 Irish professors and researchers walk into a bar one night...

They have a good old-time drinking, discussing theory, students and their mistakes, current research ideas, and anything and everything in between.

One researcher, who appears to be the leader of this group, orders a round of drinks for everyone and introduces himself to the barkeep as Arthu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A historian goes to Mexico to do research on Pancho Villa.

After a few weeks of going from village to village, getting 3rd and 4th hand stories, he meets a man who tells him, "Go talk to the old man at the end of the road. He knew Pancho Villa."

So the historian goes to meet the old man, who is well over 100 years old. He asks the old man, "I underst...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know a guy who trained to be a vet and claims to have done extensive research on bovine faeces.

But I reckon that’s bullshit.

A researcher is experimenting on a frog

He says: "Jump!".

The frog jumps, and the man writes down: " The frog with four legs jumps".

He then cuts one of the frog's legs and says: "Jump!".

The frog jumps, and the man writes down: "The frog with three legs jumps".

He then cuts another leg and says: "Jump!".
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

Research has shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

NASA should hire birds for time travel researches.

They have been studying wormholes for thousands if not millions of years before human do.

Why is reading research on electromagnetic radiation so easy?

Because it’s a pretty light subject.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a scientist doing research on some microscopic organisms.

To his surprise, he found out that a particular species was completely homosexual.

They're algae.

We have been misunderstanding antivaxxers this whole time! They really *do* their own research

Specifically, they are the control group.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at the hospital in a coma.

The doctor steps into the hall to have a talk with the husband.

Doc: I am so sorry sir, but we have run out of options and will need to pull the plug.

Husband: Please don't doc. I love her. Are you sure there is nothing else you can do?

Doc: At this point, we have tried every ...

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

Research shows

that the people of Saudi Arabia don't like "The Flintstones"..

But the people of Abu Dhabi do.

Research Show that 1 in 3 people cheat...

Not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First time

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 5 husbands.  On their wedding night she told him, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"How can that be with all your marriages?"

"Husband #1 was an Engineer, he understood the process, but wanted three years to resea...

An insane Harvard research study just proved that when ants are tripping on LSD, they can't get heartburn.

Apparently it works as an antacid.

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.