The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

what does Cruella De Vil wear when she wants to do research?

a lab coat.

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So I did some research...

and Chinese people like listening to music on their phones with earbuds, black people like portable speakers, Mexicans prefer cheaper systems in their home with big speakers and white people like higher end but compact systems...

Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be discussing racial stereo types.

I am in the process of writing a big research paper on hurricanes.

The first draft really blew me away.

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

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New research shows porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea...

Of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

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There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research....

This means by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

After hours of research i still cant make puns about trees

You'd think everything I've Redwood help

If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal?

Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

Research shows that facial tattoos completely eliminate certain forms of anxiety

For example, you'll never need to worry about finding a job

I researched about LGBT on internet today

Just couldn't get a straight answer.

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Researchers have found that human sexuality has drastically changed in the last 50 years alone. (NSFW)

If your grandparents covered their furniture in plastic, it was because your grandmother was a squirter.

Researchers at the MIT recently found out...

...

After a few minutes, they went back inside.

Did you hear about the scientist who devoted his life to researching how to create potassium out of thin air?

Some could say... >!he’d gone bananas!<

Interesting Research

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

I’ve been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator.

Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

I've been hired to research vehicles for Scott Van Pelt's new fur delivery company

My business card reads *Scott Van Pelt Pelt Van Scout*

There was a story in the news this morning (really!), that researchers have determined that dogs can tell who is infected with COVID-19 with 96% accuracy, even before someone is symptomatic.

My dog is scaring me to death. He came over to me just now, wearing a surgical mask and face shield. I think he's trying to tell me something.

Also suspect that when you go to the hospital with COVID symptoms, they will do a DG scan. It's like a CT scan, only with a dog instead of a cat.

What do you get when you cross a chimpanzee with a rhinoceros?

A meeting with the ethics committee and swift removal of your research funding.

One morning, at the research lab...

...an assistant accidentally left a cage open while cleaning, and a little bunny rabbit escaped when he wasn't looking. The little bunny rabbit followed the assistant out of the room, down the hallway, and right out the door.

The little bunny rabbit looked around in amazement; he'd been bor...

There's no need to do market research before opening a new bordello.

If you build it, they will cum.

My friend confessed to me saying that he was starting to develop a bestiality fetish...

Not wanting to kink shame him I ask “How did you get into it?”

“Well I did some research on the internet and ended up going down a rabbit hole”

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What do you call a short Mexican researcher in Antarctica?

A Burrito

First joke I've ever come up with. My Hispanic wife laughed her butt off.

A politically-appointed medical research director had been busy pushing recruitment for round after round of hydroxychloroquine tests. After another poor result, a White House aide walked in. "Doctor, the President has demanded another HCQ test. Can you do it?"

The director sighs, rubs his temples, and sits back in his chair. "No. Quite frankly, I don't have the patients."

Singapore’s education system be like

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels
of quality work and productivity from students, it will be
our policy to keep all students well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any...

St Peter was doing market research with the applicants at the Pearly Gates. Three men were awaiting entry.

"Cause of death?" St Peter asked the first.

"I suspected my wife was cheating on me," the first man replied, "so I came home early and burst into my apartment on the twenty-first floor. I ran into the bedroom and my wife was lying naked on the bed. I searched the apartment but found no-one. ...

I was researching infinity until it hit me...

that endeavor would take me forever

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My school started teaching sex ed online.

Finally! All my years of online research can be put to good use.

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.

"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."

The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

An Ethnomedicine researcher is visiting a tribe deep in the Amazon...

An ethnomedicine researcher is visiting a tribe deep in the Amazon and they present to him the leaves of a short native palm tree. They tell him that these leaves can be brewed into a tea that is a powerful laxative.

He says, "well, in extreme cases, do you ever have to resort to giving an en...

I love the Dave joke so much I decided to write a sequel

At first Dave’s boss in in complete disbelief at Dave’s popularity. But he slowly comes to his senses. He reasons that Dave couldn’t possibly know *every* person. Nevertheless, if he wants to catch Dave, naming people out of the blue isn’t working. He has to come up with a new strategy. He sits down...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

COVID Vaccine Efficacy

Researchers from the Universidad Autónoma de Guadalajara in Mexico discovered that a single dose of the corona virus vaccine was capable of alleviating life-threatening and reducing transmission rates by 87%.

An audio excerpt from the conversations of the two researchers, C. Guillermo and H. ...

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Do your own research.

A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a...

What do you call a highly cited epidemiology researcher with a social media presence?

An influenzer.

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After 175 years, researchers have finally figured out what caused the Irish Potato Famine of 1845

One of the potatoes that rose to power was named Richard. He was a Dick tater.

I thought I might be an alcoholic, so I did some research. It turns out the first sign of alcoholism is denial...

So I guess I'm not an alcoholic.

A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero.

Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.

But they’ll be 0K.

Research down under..

Researchers for the Australian Roads Department found over 200 dead crows on the Great Northern Highway recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was defini...

Vera Lynn used to work at an Arctic research station. She wrote a protest song about the lack of variety in the staff canteen.

Whale meat again?

I didn’t know what an orgy was so I decided to do a bunch of research.

It’s all coming together.

A team of researchers have figured out how to reduce the rate of new mental disorder cases by 100%!

“Stop diagnosing them.”

I just got off the phone with a researcher in China. He says it's not worth getting the Covid-19 now.

As they are expecting the Covid-20 PRO to be released in September

By nature, Jason was very intelligent but a bit shy. One day he went into a bar, and he saw a stunningly attractive woman sitting alone at a table drinking a white-wine spritzer.

Jason couldn’t take his eyes off this lady, and eventually, he gathered up the courage to walk across and speak to her.

“Hello, I’m Jason. Would you mind if I sat with you and chatted for a while?” asked Jason quietly but politely.

The woman responded by yelling at the top of her voice...

I was doing some scientific research on the House of Hapsburgs and I have now discovered

The Theory of General Relativity.

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ‟Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.”

‟What?” said the puzzled groom.

‟How can that be if you've been married ten times?”

‟Well, Husband #1 was a sal...

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Marine Biologist

My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. He moved to Los Angeles for grad school and never left. His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. The wor...

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Quarrantine Day 7: Research continues on the effect of excessive masturbation on eyesight.

Dont forget to press the "subscribe" button to see my next video!

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A lady I often chat with at the grocery store was ringing up my groceries asked my how things are going

I told her that it was a bit of a rough patch because my start-up business wasn't doing so well. She expressed some sympathy as it's pretty rough times right now, and asked me what my business was.

See, I'd done some research of nutrient quality in various fertilizers and I'd determined that ...

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A young boy is asking his father how he got so rich in the stock market.

The father says, “well son, I do a lot of careful research. I find a stock that is solid, has a lot of promise, has good people behind it, and I take $100 and invest $100 in that stock. Then I take $1000 and short sell that same stock with the $1000.”

The son says, “how does that make any sen...

A rather crooked friend of mine said that he was gonna trick some nuclear researchers.

I was a little worried. I asked if it was a conCERN.

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

A group of 6 Irish professors and researchers walk into a bar one night...

They have a good old-time drinking, discussing theory, students and their mistakes, current research ideas, and anything and everything in between.

One researcher, who appears to be the leader of this group, orders a round of drinks for everyone and introduces himself to the barkeep as Arthu...

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Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating?

Stem cell research.

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

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A historian goes to Mexico to do research on Pancho Villa.

After a few weeks of going from village to village, getting 3rd and 4th hand stories, he meets a man who tells him, "Go talk to the old man at the end of the road. He knew Pancho Villa."

So the historian goes to meet the old man, who is well over 100 years old. He asks the old man, "I underst...

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There was once a scientist doing research on some microscopic organisms.

To his surprise, he found out that a particular species was completely homosexual.

They're algae.

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog.

So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

The effect of pot on shore birds...

On the beach yesterday I saw a researcher blowing clouds of pot smoke on shore birds to study the effects of marijuana on their flying. He was very thorough, making sure he dosed every single one he saw.

It was his intention to leave no tern unstoned.

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

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A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

Upon reexamination, groundbreaking research suggests a new theory of dinosaur extinction

Traffic accidents. Amongst the thousands of dinosaurs unearthed, not one has been found wearing a seat belt.

NASA should hire birds for time travel researches.

They have been studying wormholes for thousands if not millions of years before human do.

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During a recent archaeological dig, researchers believe they have found the worlds first tampon...

...but they don't know from what period.

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

Why is reading research on electromagnetic radiation so easy?

Because it’s a pretty light subject.

Researchers have recently started using lawyers instead of rats in their lab experiments.

You don’t get so attached to them, and there are some things a rat just won’t do.

A researcher is experimenting on a frog

He says: "Jump!".

The frog jumps, and the man writes down: " The frog with four legs jumps".

He then cuts one of the frog's legs and says: "Jump!".

The frog jumps, and the man writes down: "The frog with three legs jumps".

He then cuts another leg and says: "Jump!".
...

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I know a guy who trained to be a vet and claims to have done extensive research on bovine faeces.

But I reckon that’s bullshit.

So I went into get a flu vaccine today.

The nurse that was administering the Vaccine asked me the prequalifying questions. Have you had a flu vaccine before? Yes. Have you done your research on the vaccine? Yes. Do you understand the possible side effects? Actually I am quite excited about the side effects. She looks at me confused. ...

Old married couple eating a quiet 50th anniversary dinner

A husband and a wife are celebrating their 50 year anniversary by having some dinner. After being together for so long they don’t have many secrets but the husband always wanted to know.

“Hey honey, have you ever cheated on me? We’ve been together so long it doesn’t even matter, but I’d li...

Research Show that 1 in 3 people cheat...

Not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend...

Researcher: Do you cheat on your wife?

Me: Who else would I cheat on?

The British anthropologist enjoyed rare tribesmen.

But after seeing his article published in the prestigious Journal of Anthropological Research, he kept the poor man on the coals a little longer, thinking, "Well done, old chap."

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

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The Fisherman

An esteemed researcher in the field of physiology of human sexuality is giving a lecture at the public library on a rainy Tuesday night.

He is explaining the density of nerve endings and his research on the female orgasm.

“While the majority of women experience clitoral orgasm due the...

Research shows

that the people of Saudi Arabia don't like "The Flintstones"..

But the people of Abu Dhabi do.

An insane Harvard research study just proved that when ants are tripping on LSD, they can't get heartburn.

Apparently it works as an antacid.

We have been misunderstanding antivaxxers this whole time! They really *do* their own research

Specifically, they are the control group.

After extensive research I've come to the conclusion that 10 is smaller than 5!

I finally understand factorials!

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The Duck in the Bottle

A man is on a quest for true enlightenment. His travels led him to sit with the Dalai Lama.

Man: Sir, do you have the answer for enlightenment?

The religious figure walks away but comes back with a bottle and a duck.

He hands both to the man and tells him,

"The day yo...

The best private eye

I'm a top notch investigator, I always research everyone throughly. During the day I research their real life activities and understand who they are as a person I call this "Daytime recon" and when the sun goes down I check online to find out about who they are behind a screen and if they are a dang...

Three scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize for their work on black holes. The Trump Administration immediately objected

and said that research would should be directed towards white holes as well.

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the universit...

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Research has shown that Obese people who have just had sexual reassignment surgery are more likely to survive cannibalistic scenarios

Because Trans Fat are bad for your health.

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant,...

A woman has twins and gives up both for adoption.

A woman has twins and gives up both for adoption.


The first twin is adopted by an Egyptian family and is then named "Amal."


The second twin is adopted by a Spanish family and is then named "Juan."


After 25 years, Juan sends a picture of himself to his biological moth...

I found Einstein's original research notes about anti-gravity.

I just couldn't put them down.

The pregnant researcher gave birth to twin girls.

She named one Constance and keeps changing the name of the other one.

Research has shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

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Missed opportunity to get laid

This pretty woman who lived in the apartment across from mine came over on a Saturday night in her pajamas and showed me where she'd stepped on a tack, and asked if I thought she should get a tetanus shot. I loaded up WebMD, researched it thoroughly and concluded she didn't need one then sent her on...

A researcher conducted a study on the thoughts and feelings of women after having an abortion.

The findings were not a parent.

Scientists were studying rams

They had three rams in their lab. Each ram had a leather collar, and attached to each collar was a tag identifying them as A, B and C.

One of the researchers brought a large gourd from the supply closet and placed it on the head of Ram A. Nothing happened. After five minutes he removed the g...

New marijuana research reveals that it cures...

Symptoms of motivation by up to 95%.

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The aliens studying Earth hold a conference. The keynote speaker stands, and after welcoming the attendees and the usual pleasantries, he begins, "Ladies and gentlebeings, for seventy of its years, we have studied this planet...

"As you know, our primary research method is to abduct a local sapient and probe its rectum. After these many years, and thousands or millions of rectal probes, we have definitively learned exactly one thing.

"One in six of them likes it."

All those people saying anti-vaxxers should be researching child sized coffins aren't considering both sides

they can also use urns

The National Council on Psychic Research has officially designated this to be true

The
experience of changing planes in New York now officially counts as a near-death experience

They say one in three children born is Chinese...

... I did some research over the past years. I now have 30 children, and none of them is Chinese. I say the statistics are just wrong...

What's the difference between a priest and a cryogenics researcher?

Only one of them is a chilled mole tester.

Today I made an in depth presentation about ground breaking research on bad effects of the two legged posture in humans

It was well received. In fact they even gave me a standing ovation.

There has been 45,000 cases of head lice reported in the last 24 hours across the Midwest

Researchers are scratching their heads over that one.

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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

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