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Research Jokes

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After years of research and experimentations, a Generic Engineering Biologist was able to make a perfectly healthy Hybrid between a Fish and Duck.

The only problem left to be solved now for him is:

Whether to name it a Dish or a Fuck?

My in depth research says that 73% people are good at maths

The rest 37% are dumbasses though

Researchers have found that men complain less in the month of February.

Because it only has 28 days.

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I spent time researching porn on the internet and learned I am a furry...

When I was deep in a rabbit hole.

Researchers have discovered a lost Hemingway novel where the main character is trying to learn a computer language.

The Old Man and the C.

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

According to my research, only 12% of people at the gym actually go to work out

The other 88% are there to demand I stop my filming

What's the difference between research and gynaecology?

One is about looking it up and the other is about looking up it.

I was trying to do some research on human and dog relationships

But I got stuck in my lab

Researchers at Institute of Incomplete Statistics inform that

9 in every 100 people

Research

Guy in a bar reading the newspaper: “Wow. Listen to this! A ‘highly regarded research laboratory’ was just found to be using lawyers instead of rats.”

Barman: “Why would they do that? Aren’t lawyers a lot more expensive?”

Guy: “Sure, but there are some things even a rat won’t do.”

A researcher sets out to disprove the stereotype that all blonds are dumb...

A researcher sets out to disprove the stereotype that blonds are dumb. So, he calls a meeting with all the blonds in the town to disprove this stereotype once and for all.

The researcher gathers alls the blonds in an auditorium and announces his plan to the crowd.

"To disprove the st...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

I was going to finalize my research as to why vaccines are bad today

But all of the research sites are down.

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A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .

There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn't latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.

First, the wild rabbit take...

A research paper should be like a women's skirt.

Short enough to keep my attention, but long enough to cover the subject.

A research says that 75% of the people are good at Math.

I am probably the remaining 35%

A wise Rabbi

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the...

I was doing some research yesterday about the Dunning-Cougar effect.

It seems the more someone knows about a topic, the less likely they are to claim they know that much. Conversely, the less someone knows, the more likely they'll try to use that information to pick up an older woman in a bar.

I was reading a research paper on why there's such a high child mortality rate in China.

Apparently it's something to do with the youth in Asia.

Did Some Research

I was reading up on some local ghost stories in my area, (I'm from Ohio), and, I was surprised at how spooky some of them were. Maybe it's because I'm biased, living here and all, but I thought they were really terrifying. And, I think the reason for that is because our lake is the eeriest.

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How it's like being a researcher for pornographic content on the Internet?

It's Hard.

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The Penis Study

In 1991, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the Man more pleasure during sex. After Duke published the study, Stanford decided to ...

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career

He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.

In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job s...

Where did the researcher keep all of his dad jokes?

In a dad-a-base.

I just came up with this one, and I feel embarrassed, but... Researchers have found a personality trait common to all people missing a limb from birth, but NOT among amputees.

.. they're all stubborn.

After years of research, scientists discovered bees are allergic to pollen

Turns out when exposed to pollen, bees develop hives

Where do DJs do their research?

Wiki-wiki-wikipedia

what did the new volcanologist researcher say to the other volcanologist after the lead researcher died?

We should probably give him a proper fumarole.

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

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(nsfw) according to research, 3 of 10 men enjoy blowjob for its wet sensation

the rest of them just want to have quite time

An entomologist walks into a bar and orders a grasshopper.

An entomologist walks into a bar and orders a grasshopper. "We haven't seen you in a while. How is your research going?" the bartender asks. "Great. I've actually had quite a breakthrough. I've discovered that praying mantises don't all follow the same religion," the entolomolgist says. "They're in ...

One good tern deserves another

Arctic terns, birds long famous for their thousands of miles migratory habits, have been profoundly affected by climate change. Researchers have determined that as landmarks have disappeared due to loss of ice, some terns get stressed to the point of prematurely ending their flights.

Exposur...

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So I did some research...

and Chinese people like listening to music on their phones with earbuds, black people like portable speakers, Mexicans prefer cheaper systems in their home with big speakers and white people like higher end but compact systems...

Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be discussing racial stereo types.

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

A woman stopped an Irishman in the street the other day. She asked, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’

'All right,' the Irishman replied, 'but we won't get much done.'

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An very old professor decided to undertake a research project...

He wanted to determine if a group of poorly treated, anti-social rats could develop friendly relationships with one another if they used team work to complete a complicated task.

At first, he set the rats a goal of stealing his colleagues stationary, without the colleague catching them in the...

The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that

6 out of 10 people

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

I tried to research what the term “confirmation bias” means

All I found was a bunch of fake news, so I stopped reading

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Clones are people too...

A research scientist at a large corporate laboratory developed a method to clones humans. Unfortunately, the ethics review board would not allow him to experiment on humans. So he decided to clone himself in secret. He was also able to accelerate the aging process so within a short time, the clone w...

A researcher is startled to find that 90% of the internet is bots

When confronted that this was realistically impossible, he exclaimed “But all they do is quote movies, books, and shows, and EACH OTHER! No human could possibly be this unoriginal!”

What's the difference between a magician and a psychology researcher?

A magician pulls rabbits out of hats, a psychology researcher pulls habits out of rats.

The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

Turtle research

Library Patron: Excuse me, do you have any books on turtles?

Librarian: Hardback?

Patron: Yes, with little heads and feet

I will have to do some research on fireworks

to know which one will give me bang for the buck.

I researched about LGBT on internet today

Just couldn't get a straight answer.

What do you call research that rubs you the wrong way?

science friction

I've called my dog Cadbury Research Department

He's a chocolate lab



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The telephone at the antarctic research station is ringing.

A male voice on the other end of the line:

"Are their five-foot penguins?"

"No."

"Fuck. Then I just ran over a nun.

I asked my researcher friend, what would happen if I try to swim in containment pool of a nuclear reactor. He said, "Um, you would die pretty quickly..."

"...from gunshot wounds."

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

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What do you call a short Mexican researcher in Antarctica?

A Burrito

First joke I've ever come up with. My Hispanic wife laughed her butt off.

If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal?

Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection.

After hours of research i still cant make puns about trees

You'd think everything I've Redwood help

A scientist is researching how far frogs can jump

He places the frog on the table and says "Frog, jump!" And the frog jumps a full 18 feet. He write 18ft in his notes. The scientist cuts off one of the frogs legs and says "Frog, jump!" And the frog jumps 14 feet. He scribbles 14ft in his notes. He cuts off a second leg, says "Frog, jump!" - the fro...

I have done some research, and discovered what food you are most likely to die of a heart attack.

"Caesar Salad."


[OC.]

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There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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Scientific research show fucking your dog is healthy

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my Lab.

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Social experiment

Social researchers from Oxford devised an experiment to place three men from diverse cultures on an otherwise deserted island. They decided on one man from France, one from Germany, and one from Japan.

The German was told he is in charge of shelter, the Frenchman was put in charge of meals, a...

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A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores i...

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

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There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

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New research shows porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea...

Of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

I’ve been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator.

Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.

what does Cruella De Vil wear when she wants to do research?

a lab coat.

Cars are getting very expensive now a days. I was finally able to afford to buy the new Kia that I always wanted.

Brought it home last night and parked it out front. It looked so nice and beautiful. Woke up this morning and the car is gone. Sadly, It was stolen at some point last night, but the suspect dropped a phone as an evidence. It was a very old looking phone that I had never seen before.

I did a ...

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

When I graduated high school, my parents enrolled me in medical research

It was a 4-year study of sleep deprivation and alcohol consumption.

Sure, they called it "college", but I knew otherwise.

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

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[NSFW] I was wondering why some people felt sexually attracted to animals, and decided to investigate.

During my research I went down quite a few rabbit holes.

wanna hear a research joke?

Or not et. Al

How many antivaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

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It's not my job to give you the answer. Do your own research.

Upon reexamination, groundbreaking research suggests a new theory of dinosaur extinction

Traffic accidents. Amongst the thousands of dinosaurs unearthed, not one has been found wearing a seat belt.

Do you know why the researchers have to take a ship to explore the Arctic circle?

Because there's Norway beyond Scandinavia!

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.

"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."

The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

Research has shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

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[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

A lot of people don’t know that Lisa Kudrow has a bachelor's degree in Biology

She was visiting an old school friend who was doing a research project on the genetics of rats and they were showing her their breeding pairs. “This is the Mama Rat A who has a gene sequence that makes her produce more young, and with her is the Papa Rat A who has a trait that causes him to sire un...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from avian flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not av...

After extensive research I've come to the conclusion that 10 is smaller than 5!

I finally understand factorials!

Research shows that facial tattoos completely eliminate certain forms of anxiety

For example, you'll never need to worry about finding a job

I just got off the phone with a researcher in China. He says it's not worth getting the Covid-19 now.

As they are expecting the Covid-20 PRO to be released in September

Did you hear about the scientist who devoted his life to researching how to create potassium out of thin air?

Some could say... >!he’d gone bananas!<

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog.

So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

One morning, at the research lab...

...an assistant accidentally left a cage open while cleaning, and a little bunny rabbit escaped when he wasn't looking. The little bunny rabbit followed the assistant out of the room, down the hallway, and right out the door.

The little bunny rabbit looked around in amazement; he'd been bor...

A normie and an anime watcher were having a debate if humans have souls.

Normie: People don't have souls.

Anime watcher: No they do.

Normie: Oh really? Then let's make a bet. We research whether or not people have souls and come back in a year to show our evidence.

Anime watcher: ok.

Normie: I bet $10,000, how about you?

Anime watcher: ...

St Peter was doing market research with the applicants at the Pearly Gates. Three men were awaiting entry.

"Cause of death?" St Peter asked the first.

"I suspected my wife was cheating on me," the first man replied, "so I came home early and burst into my apartment on the twenty-first floor. I ran into the bedroom and my wife was lying naked on the bed. I searched the apartment but found no-one. ...

Researchers at the MIT recently found out...

...

After a few minutes, they went back inside.

Research shows

that the people of Saudi Arabia don't like "The Flintstones"..

But the people of Abu Dhabi do.

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During a recent archaeological dig, researchers believe they have found the worlds first tampon...

...but they don't know from what period.

I've been hired to research vehicles for Scott Van Pelt's new fur delivery company

My business card reads *Scott Van Pelt Pelt Van Scout*

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Quarrantine Day 7: Research continues on the effect of excessive masturbation on eyesight.

Dont forget to press the "subscribe" button to see my next video!

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I know a guy who trained to be a vet and claims to have done extensive research on bovine faeces.

But I reckon that’s bullshit.

What do we want? More research into a cure for ADHD! When do we want it?

Let's play swingball!

(NSFW) I heard that Research In Motion, the company that makes BlackBerry phones, is hiring.

So I ran a Google search on RIM Jobs. And you know what? I don't think I'm cut out for this line of work after all.

A researcher is experimenting on a frog

He says: "Jump!".

The frog jumps, and the man writes down: " The frog with four legs jumps".

He then cuts one of the frog's legs and says: "Jump!".

The frog jumps, and the man writes down: "The frog with three legs jumps".

He then cuts another leg and says: "Jump!".
...

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Researchers have found that human sexuality has drastically changed in the last 50 years alone. (NSFW)

If your grandparents covered their furniture in plastic, it was because your grandmother was a squirter.

We have been misunderstanding antivaxxers this whole time! They really *do* their own research

Specifically, they are the control group.

A group of 6 Irish professors and researchers walk into a bar one night...

They have a good old-time drinking, discussing theory, students and their mistakes, current research ideas, and anything and everything in between.

One researcher, who appears to be the leader of this group, orders a round of drinks for everyone and introduces himself to the barkeep as Arthu...

Researchers have recently started using lawyers instead of rats in their lab experiments.

You don’t get so attached to them, and there are some things a rat just won’t do.

A politically-appointed medical research director had been busy pushing recruitment for round after round of hydroxychloroquine tests. After another poor result, a White House aide walked in. "Doctor, the President has demanded another HCQ test. Can you do it?"

The director sighs, rubs his temples, and sits back in his chair. "No. Quite frankly, I don't have the patients."

I thought I might be an alcoholic, so I did some research. It turns out the first sign of alcoholism is denial...

So I guess I'm not an alcoholic.

A research shows that 96.86% of people in the sea are sailors.

The rest are  πrates

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

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