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Research Jokes

A research says that 75% of the people are good at Math.

I am probably the remaining 35%

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

The Little Research Lab Bunny Rabbit

One morning at the research lab, an assistant accidentally left a cage open while cleaning and a little bunny rabbit escaped when he wasn't looking. The little bunny rabbit followed the assistant out of the room, down the hallway, and right out the door.

The little bunny rabbit looked around...

A woman stopped an Irishman in the street the other day. She asked, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’

'All right,' the Irishman replied, 'but we won't get much done.'

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

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So I did some research...

and Chinese people like listening to music on their phones with earbuds, black people like portable speakers, Mexicans prefer cheaper systems in their home with big speakers and white people like higher end but compact systems...

Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be discussing racial stereo types.

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More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research!

More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why!

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career

He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.

In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job s...

What should you do when writing a research paper about whales?

Include a cetacean

Where do DJs do their research?

Wiki-wiki-wikipedia

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

Research

Guy in a bar reading the newspaper: “Wow. Listen to this! A ‘highly regarded research laboratory’ was just found to be using lawyers instead of rats.”

Barman: “Why would they do that? Aren’t lawyers a lot more expensive?”

Guy: “Sure, but there are some things even a rat won’t do.”

New research on dead crows!

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definit...

I researched about LGBT on internet today

Just couldn't get a straight answer.

My in depth research says that 73% people are good at maths

The rest 37% are dumbasses though

Did Some Research

I was reading up on some local ghost stories in my area, (I'm from Ohio), and, I was surprised at how spooky some of them were. Maybe it's because I'm biased, living here and all, but I thought they were really terrifying. And, I think the reason for that is because our lake is the eeriest.

I was going to finalize my research as to why vaccines are bad today

But all of the research sites are down.

I just realized why so many women are researching why women make less than men ...

It's cheaper than paying a man to do it.

What's the difference between research and gynaecology?

One is about looking it up and the other is about looking up it.

Turtle research

Library Patron: Excuse me, do you have any books on turtles?

Librarian: Hardback?

Patron: Yes, with little heads and feet

A research paper should be like a women's skirt.

Short enough to keep my attention, but long enough to cover the subject.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 19 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

Researchers at Institute of Incomplete Statistics inform that

9 in every 100 people

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

I was trying to do some research on human and dog relationships

But I got stuck in my lab

After years of research, scientists discovered bees are allergic to pollen

Turns out when exposed to pollen, bees develop hives

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I spent time researching porn on the internet and learned I am a furry...

When I was deep in a rabbit hole.

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

Researchers have found that men complain less in the month of February.

Because it only has 28 days.

Research shows

that the people of Saudi Arabia don't like "The Flintstones"..

But the people of Abu Dhabi do.

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What do you call a short Mexican researcher in Antarctica?

A Burrito

First joke I've ever come up with. My Hispanic wife laughed her butt off.

I was doing some research yesterday about the Dunning-Cougar effect.

It seems the more someone knows about a topic, the less likely they are to claim they know that much. Conversely, the less someone knows, the more likely they'll try to use that information to pick up an older woman in a bar.

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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

Where did the researcher keep all of his dad jokes?

In a dad-a-base.

The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that

6 out of 10 people

I've called my dog Cadbury Research Department

He's a chocolate lab



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My doctor told me that his research on intestinal flora could be close to curing depression, but that they were missing samples.

And I gotta tell you; for the first time in my life, I actually gave a shit.

According to my research, only 12% of people at the gym actually go to work out

The other 88% are there to demand I stop my filming

A researcher sets out to disprove the stereotype that all blonds are dumb...

A researcher sets out to disprove the stereotype that blonds are dumb. So, he calls a meeting with all the blonds in the town to disprove this stereotype once and for all.

The researcher gathers alls the blonds in an auditorium and announces his plan to the crowd.

"To disprove the st...

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How it's like being a researcher for pornographic content on the Internet?

It's Hard.

Research has shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

I tried to research what the term “confirmation bias” means

All I found was a bunch of fake news, so I stopped reading

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

I will have to do some research on fireworks

to know which one will give me bang for the buck.

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(nsfw) according to research, 3 of 10 men enjoy blowjob for its wet sensation

the rest of them just want to have quite time

Upon reexamination, groundbreaking research suggests a new theory of dinosaur extinction

Traffic accidents. Amongst the thousands of dinosaurs unearthed, not one has been found wearing a seat belt.

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The telephone at the antarctic research station is ringing.

A male voice on the other end of the line:

"Are their five-foot penguins?"

"No."

"Fuck. Then I just ran over a nun.

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An very old professor decided to undertake a research project...

He wanted to determine if a group of poorly treated, anti-social rats could develop friendly relationships with one another if they used team work to complete a complicated task.

At first, he set the rats a goal of stealing his colleagues stationary, without the colleague catching them in the...

Researchers have discovered a lost Hemingway novel where the main character is trying to learn a computer language.

The Old Man and the C.

5 out of six researchers conclude,

Russian roulette is complete safe.

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After years of research and experimentations, a Generic Engineering Biologist was able to make a perfectly healthy Hybrid between a Fish and Duck.

The only problem left to be solved now for him is:

Whether to name it a Dish or a Fuck?

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.

"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."

The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

A scientist is researching how far frogs can jump

He places the frog on the table and says "Frog, jump!" And the frog jumps a full 18 feet. He write 18ft in his notes. The scientist cuts off one of the frogs legs and says "Frog, jump!" And the frog jumps 14 feet. He scribbles 14ft in his notes. He cuts off a second leg, says "Frog, jump!" - the fro...

Researchers at the MIT recently found out...

...

After a few minutes, they went back inside.

What's the difference between a magician and a psychology researcher?

A magician pulls rabbits out of hats, a psychology researcher pulls habits out of rats.

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Scientific research show fucking your dog is healthy

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my Lab.

I just came up with this one, and I feel embarrassed, but... Researchers have found a personality trait common to all people missing a limb from birth, but NOT among amputees.

.. they're all stubborn.

(NSFW) I heard that Research In Motion, the company that makes BlackBerry phones, is hiring.

So I ran a Google search on RIM Jobs. And you know what? I don't think I'm cut out for this line of work after all.

I was reading a research paper on why there's such a high child mortality rate in China.

Apparently it's something to do with the youth in Asia.

Research done on introverts

revealed nothing

What do you call research that rubs you the wrong way?

science friction

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

After hours of research i still cant make puns about trees

You'd think everything I've Redwood help

New research

Shows Amish people have lower rates of cyber bullying

A team of researchers has created an advanced, AI-powered supercomputer.

The computer is capable of natural language processing. The primary function of the computer is to be asked a question verbally, and then search through publicly available and internal resources to provide an answer without any information given to it beforehand. The computer responds with the answe...

A researcher is experimenting on a frog

He says: "Jump!".

The frog jumps, and the man writes down: " The frog with four legs jumps".

He then cuts one of the frog's legs and says: "Jump!".

The frog jumps, and the man writes down: "The frog with three legs jumps".

He then cuts another leg and says: "Jump!".
...

If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal?

Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection.

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New research shows porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea...

Of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

Pun researchers

Psychologists interested in humor wanted to know more about how people respond to puns, specifically what kinds of puns make people laugh. The compiled a list of ten representative puns, and showed them to a group of 100 people to see which of the puns would make those people laugh, and discovered t...

After extensive research I've come to the conclusion that 10 is smaller than 5!

I finally understand factorials!

Scientists recently conducted research on the human brain.

Scientists recently did a study on the roles the right side and left side of the brain had on cognition. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking...

Woman visits a bank on downtown NYC...

...and asks for a short-term $10,000 loan. Banker asks her for collateral, and she hands him the keys to her Mercedes. She says she's going on a vacation, and will return the following week to repay the debt and retrieve her car.

Week later, she picks up the vehicle and pays back the loan, pl...

When I graduated high school, my parents enrolled me in medical research

It was a 4-year study of sleep deprivation and alcohol consumption.

Sure, they called it "college", but I knew otherwise.

I've been researching some useless facts...

Want some examples?
I have found out that there are over 10,000 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

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Blonde Research Study

An American research firm is tasked with conducting a study to determine if blonde women truly are less intelligent than everyone else. To do this, they host a convention for blonde women at an airport Hilton. At the orientation meeting, the chief researcher greets the crowd in a large banquet room....

I was researching infinity until it hit me...

that endeavor would take me forever

A researcher is startled to find that 90% of the internet is bots

When confronted that this was realistically impossible, he exclaimed “But all they do is quote movies, books, and shows, and EACH OTHER! No human could possibly be this unoriginal!”

what does Cruella De Vil wear when she wants to do research?

a lab coat.

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

New marijuana research reveals that it cures...

Symptoms of motivation by up to 95%.

Research shows that facial tattoos completely eliminate certain forms of anxiety

For example, you'll never need to worry about finding a job

Research Show that 1 in 3 people cheat...

Not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend...

A research shows that 96.86% of people in the sea are sailors.

The rest are  πrates

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered...

...that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan. Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing. Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.
...

What do you get if you cross a shark with an octopus?

You get a call from the research ethics board and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

Why is reading research on electromagnetic radiation so easy?

Because it’s a pretty light subject.

NASA should hire birds for time travel researches.

They have been studying wormholes for thousands if not millions of years before human do.

What do chefs research?

Cutting-edge technology

Our crack team of experts has done the research

They need more crack.

How many antivaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

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It's not my job to give you the answer. Do your own research.

After extensive research FDA suggests smoking cures

Ham

What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with marijuana today.

To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.

What do we want? More research into a cure for ADHD! When do we want it?

Let's play swingball!

Researchers have recently started using lawyers instead of rats in their lab experiments.

You don’t get so attached to them, and there are some things a rat just won’t do.

Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...

His name was Frank

The pregnant researcher gave birth to twin girls.

She named one Constance and keeps changing the name of the other one.

Why did the researchers stopped their research on embryos?

Because the subject is still to immature.

My friend confessed to me saying that he was starting to develop a bestiality fetish...

Not wanting to kink shame him I ask “How did you get into it?”

“Well I did some research on the internet and ended up going down a rabbit hole”

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

Scientific research recently revealed....

Evidence that female hormones are present in beer. A group of men were given six pints of beer each. One hundred percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over not...

I have done some research, and discovered what food you are most likely to die of a heart attack.

"Caesar Salad."


[OC.]

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A historian goes to Mexico to do research on Pancho Villa.

After a few weeks of going from village to village, getting 3rd and 4th hand stories, he meets a man who tells him, "Go talk to the old man at the end of the road. He knew Pancho Villa."

So the historian goes to meet the old man, who is well over 100 years old. He asks the old man, "I underst...

I found Einstein's original research notes about anti-gravity.

I just couldn't put them down.

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During a recent archaeological dig, researchers believe they have found the worlds first tampon...

...but they don't know from what period.

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There was once a scientist doing research on some microscopic organisms.

To his surprise, he found out that a particular species was completely homosexual.

They're algae.

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Quarrantine Day 7: Research continues on the effect of excessive masturbation on eyesight.

Dont forget to press the "subscribe" button to see my next video!

I've been hired to research vehicles for Scott Van Pelt's new fur delivery company

My business card reads *Scott Van Pelt Pelt Van Scout*

I started researching the safety of elevators.

They have their ups and downs.

A Scientist was doing a research test on frogs

He put it on the counter cut off a leg and yelled "JUMP FROG JUMP!" Then the frog jumped.

So he cut off another leg and yelled the same thing and the frog jumped.

So he cut off yet another leg and then again yelled"JUMP FROG JUMP!" and the frog jumped

So he cut off the final le...

After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the universit...

I wrote a research paper on tuberculosis titled “TB”

Instead of a grade next to the title the professor just added a “D.”

So I guess that means it’s still to be determined....

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Why haven’t researchers cured sex addiction yet?

Their studies are fucked.

A group of 6 Irish professors and researchers walk into a bar one night...

They have a good old-time drinking, discussing theory, students and their mistakes, current research ideas, and anything and everything in between.

One researcher, who appears to be the leader of this group, orders a round of drinks for everyone and introduces himself to the barkeep as Arthu...

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A team of doctors wanted to conduct a research.

A team of doctors wanted to examine the health effects of long time consumption of sweets, liquor and smoking on people who never ate sweets, consumed liquor or smoked previously.

Three people decided to volunteer in the research. One of them was taken to a room full with sweets and was locke...

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Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia.

However, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.

Do you know why the researchers have to take a ship to explore the Arctic circle?

Because there's Norway beyond Scandinavia!

Economic research

Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle attract the most interest.

What's the difference between a priest and a cryogenics researcher?

Only one of them is a chilled mole tester.

We have been misunderstanding antivaxxers this whole time! They really *do* their own research

Specifically, they are the control group.

Where does Keanu Reeves go to do his research?

Wick-ipedia

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