UPJOKE
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I saw a math-related T-shirt today

It said f(x) = |X|

AVOID NEGATIVITY

That’s ABSOLUTEly the silliest joke I ever saw.

The movie Titanic turns 25 later this year.

In related news, Leonardo DiCaprio said he is no longer interested in seeing it.

Some girls at my gym were saying I was related to Bruce Lee.

I had to politely let them know I wasn’t, and my name isn’t Ugg, either.

My Boyfriend said I’m starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman….

What a joker!!!

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I was watching a show about Ancient Egypt, and they mentioned that there were Seven Sacred Oils that they used to anoint the dead with.

I thought that sounded interesting, so I decided to Google "Seven Sacred Oils of Egypt" and the entire front page of results is about where I can buy the essential oils the Egyptians used, you know mlm shit.

I cannot stress enough how this is not what I was looking for, but in hindsight I p...

My friend who’s father is a multi-billionaire

My friend whose father is a multi-billionaire loves to talk about his extravagant lifestyle. One day, I asked him just exactly how large is the land owned by his father.
He answered “I’ll give you an idea, I can start driving at one end of the land in the morning at full speed, in one direction...

The third-grade class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon Little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece...

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How to write a funny joke:

Now, everyone always says timing is important; we'll get to that, the timing is usually in the punchline.

First you need a premise - it can be simple. A ball. That's the focus.

Some of you are already chuckling because your immature sense of humor has made its own connections with the ...

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

Every Friday is bad joke Friday on the conference roll call at the IT company I work for. Began writing jokes related to the industry.

Found and modified joke: ***first friend says to second friend “have you heard about that contest at the local shooting range where you have to get the highest target score while standing on a tight rope that is moving up and down. Only network engineers are allowed to enter.“ The second friend asks...

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Can I take a skin graft from my butt and put it on someone who isn't related?

ass skin for a friend

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Three people want to get into heaven

St Nicholas is the gatekeeper.

He says they must give him something related to Christmas to get in.

The first person reaches into his pockets and pulls out a leaf

St Nick looks confused, and says “How does this relate to Christmas?”

She replied “Mistletoe”, St N...

Monopoly is amazing but it has some pretty old stuff that one can’t relate to anymore

I mean there is free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

My wife and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop.

I've just taken the lead.

My wife said she would divorce me if I didn't stop my cheese related puns.

It's no fondue be married to such a Munster anyways.

People ask me, "How do you relate to women so well?"

And I say, "I just think of a man, and then I take away reason and accountability."

Early last February this year, I learned that National Grammar Day is celebrated on March 4th; I was looking forward to celebrating with some friends of mine in Toledo, Ohio...

...I made the trip from Nevada by car; it was a wonderful celebration. My friends Jerry, Susan, and Cynthia organized a wonderful event consisting of a host of grammar related activities: proof-reading, sentence structuring, and more.

Susan also turned out to be a wonderful cook; she prepared...

I can totally relate to batteries

I'm not included in anything either.

Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race

NASCAR

Scott Morrison was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Morrison if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs o...

How Are Emos and Darth Vader related

They both wear all black and neither have a father

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An Aussie and a Kiwi are sitting at a pub, downing a few beers, after a game of rugby.

The Kiwi turns to the Aussie and says, "Bro, if I shagged your wife over a railing and got her pregnant, would it make us related?"

To which the Aussie replies, "Dunno, mate, but I do know it'll make us even."

A father goes complaining to the teacher about his son bad grades.

The father is angry, "there is no way my sons failed his math exam, i can avail myself that he was more than capable when he left home" he argues, "I'd being with him 4 hours straight for the last 4 weeks, he is more than ready for the test, you can have him answer any math related question right he...

Driving Questionnaire

A man had recently moved and was filling out forms at his local police station:

Q: Has your driver's license ever been suspended or revoked?

"No, never."

Q: Have you ever been convicted of a DUI?

"Oh yes, lots of times!"

Q: Have you ever been convicted of a driving...

Maybe some can relate

Those of us that are so self conscious that we have trained ourselves to silence our sneezes, well......we're feeling pretty smug about now.

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Can I donate a graft of tissue from my buttocks to another person I'm not related to?

Ass skin for a friend.

Anything not related to elephants

is irrelephant.

In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon...

Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).



Both were denied.

This is actually true.

My wife had asked me to stop using police related puns..

I guess I’ll give them “ arrest”.

What problem can both gamers and popular musicians relate to?

The fans are too noisy.

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3 Irish men in a pub…

… called Mick, Pat and Tat. The barman says "Are you all related?"

Mick said "Yeah we're triplets!"

Barman said "Triplets!, how come you and Pat are 6ft tall and Tat is only 4ft tall?",

"Well!" said Mick "Me and Pat were
breast fed so there was no tit for Tat!

An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.

'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.

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What's the one pokemon most women can relate to?

Boob-a-sore

I can relate to an unused brick

Always hard never laid

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Feet and penis size are not related

Trust me, my feet are huge

A joke everyone can relate to.

Your mom.

People say Elon Musk is a mad scientist. Do you think he relates to Dr. Jekyll?

Because I've always heard he benefited from having a part Hyde.

My brother told me he only buys shoes which are completely white

I can't believe I'm related to a white shoepremacist

All of my jokes are anti-vaxer related

They all die in new

Comedians will often ask rhetorical questions in order to get the audience on board with them or to relate to them.

How stupid is that?!

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A couples therapist believes the amount of sex you have is directly related to happiness, so he decides to test his theory at his next seminar.

He addresses the crowd in attendance and asks "How many couples here tonight have sex once a day?"

To the therapists delight, about half of the crowd raise their hands with wide, toothy grins across their faces.

The therapist then asks "How many have sex once a week?"

Roughly a ...

Buy all the 9/11 related domains

Is apparently the wrong answer to “What would you do with a time machine?”

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My buddy jokingly asked me, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related?"

I said, "No man, that would just make us even."

Donald Trump is a presidential candidate I can relate to

Both of us have fantasies with Trump's daughter

Just looked into my family tree and found out both great great grand parents are related...

It's not every day you get to learn about your incestors

Earth Day

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So what are you doing to celebrate Earth Day?" the bartender asks. "Oh, already done," the guy replies. "I sent all my work related e-mails to my recycling bin."

Swedish government is not allowing the aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov in their territorial waters

The main issues seem to be related to the working conditions of the rowers.

(For people in health related occupations) Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?

HIPAA

HIPAA who?

I can’t tell you.

I’m seeing a lot of heaven related jokes, so here’s a bad one to lower every bodies expectations-

What do angles fish for in heaven?
Holy mackerels

Today, after a quick search, I realized that I'm actually related to a lot of people on Reddit.

Either that, or it turns out that there are just an awful lot of nice grandpas who sucked at building cabinets.

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they say penis size is related to shoe size...

that makes the fear of clowns even worse.

**Edit** Ten hours in, this is my highest rated post ever! happy I found a place where im appreciated. ill come back with more material! :D

I find it quite easy to relate to mushrooms

I'm also a fun guy

If you like pee related puns...

then *urine* for a treat.

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