UPJOKE
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I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther ...

“The problem with looking up quotes on the internet..

Is that most of them are lies” - Abraham Lincoln

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."


But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

True quote from Tallulah Bankhead

“Daddy warned me about men and alcohol, but he never said a word about women and cocaine.”

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.

As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any strip clubs while you're in New York?"

The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"

When he ...

Local handyman comes to my house to give quotes..

I show him the kitchen that needs repainting.

"€30" he says, before walking to the window, opening it and screaming out "Green side up! Green side up!".

Ignoring the outburst because the price was so good I show him the bathroom that needs retiling.

"€30" he says, before again ...

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My wife hates it when I quote old movies incorrectly

But frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit!

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I got an inspirational quote tattooed on my dick...

But women were like, TL;DR!

Funny Quote

Funny Quote
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile.
I tried – but they wanted cash. -

- ..

12 years of therapy with a psychiatrist & today he finally broke his silence...

After twelve years of therapy my *psychiatrist* said something that brought tears to my eyes.

He said, "*No hablo ingles*."

Ronnie Shakes quote.

I just called a bouncy house place for my kids birthday party...

We got one larger than last year but the guy quoted us 50% higher cost.

I asked him whats up with the price.

He said, blame inflation.

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."

Trump 20:16

My life used to centre on math, additions and subtractions until I found a quote that expanded my worldview

"The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 20 years of his life."

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We all remember that famous quote from the Arnold Schwarzenegger sex tape.

"Live with me if you want to come."

Tom Hanks was recently quoted talking about how much he disliked one of Stephen King's novels.

T. Hanks: I hate It.

WIFE: if you quote Ace Ventura one more time, I'm seriously going to leave you

ME: alllllllllrighty then

The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

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What’s a thanos quote that can be used In sex?

“I’m sorry little one.”

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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

My girlfriend said she would break up with me if I said another Scooby-Doo quote.

My last words to her were “Alright, let’s split up gang.”

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...

Sibling rivalry

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.

The eldest son bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.

The second son bought her a beautiful Rolls ...

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I quoted Arnold Schwarzenegger one more time.

She can leave me all she likes but I'll be back

I can’t wait to get a girlfriend this year like that motivational quote on Facebook said

I just hope that this year my van will be able to outrun them this time!

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Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945

Famous Quotes from US Presidents

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.” ― George Washington

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson

“If tyranny and oppression come to this land it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” ― James Madison

“Try and fail, but don...

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“Don’t let COVID dominate you” might be the Trumpiest quote ever

My bitch ass was sitting here letting my cells replicate without even asking my permission.

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Julia was organizing a cat show

Julia was organizing a cat show and needed a trophy for the first prize. So she contacted a sculptor to create a trophy that resembled a beautiful persian cat.

Julia and the sculptor got together to discuss the plans for this trophy. She wanted the base to be made of the finest white marble w...

3 Nuns

Three nuns are driving home after an evening church service when suddenly a demon-like creature appears on the bonnet of their car.
The nuns are shocked and are unsure what to do!
"Quickly" says the Nun driving "Lean out the windows and say a bible verse"
So the other Nun winds down her wi...

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Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

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Trump wants to paint the Whitehouse. He asks for a quote from a Chinese guy, a European, and a Turk.

The Chinese guy says he can do it for 3 million dollars, the European says he can do it for 7 million, and the Turk says he can do it for 10 million.

Trump asks the Chinese man why it would cost 3 million and he responds "one for paint, one for my workers, and one for my profit".

Tru...

This should hace been a quote from the Joker movie

What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common?

When you pull one out of your bag at school, everyone suddenly wants to be your friend.

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"The best things in life aren't forced. Force something, and you'll likely end up with more than you bargained for."

No one knows who this quote is from, but most agree that it was probably just some asshole

Why do police cars have "to protect and serve" in quotes?

They are being sarcastic.

I will never forget a quote by Mark Zuckerberg that is often misattributed to Voltaire:

“While I disapprove of what you say, I will defend to the death my right to make money off of it”

I wish the first word I said was "quote"...

....so that just before I die I could say "unquote".

TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"

It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.

“When I was a kid, I thought that everyone would pick one quote to pass on to further generations.

But now I realize that literally anything you say can be your famous quote”
— u/skillplants

Inspiring quote: Build a fire for a man and he'll be warm for an hour.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!

Shoot for the moon, if you miss you'll land among the stars is a good quote

Unless you're an astronaut.

My girlfriend tells me that I quote Donald Trump way too much.

She's spreading fake news. Sad!

My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious."

I wish I'd thought of that quote.

If you're ever losing an argument, randomly quote a statistic

People will believe you 80% of the time.

My english teacher used to quote lord of the rings to us

She used to say "you shall not pass"

The two quotes that shows a person's true colors:

"It's just a game."

"Sir/Ma'am we ask u to wear ur mask."

A random quote written in gents toilet

You future is in your hand

.

..

Imagine the quote written in ladies toilet

.

.

Do not play with your future....

My girlfriend threatens to leave me every time I quote Mr Brightside.

But it’s just the price I pay

A researcher is startled to find that 90% of the internet is bots

When confronted that this was realistically impossible, he exclaimed “But all they do is quote movies, books, and shows, and EACH OTHER! No human could possibly be this unoriginal!”

"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great quote...

... but it is not the best way to tell your kid that he's adopted.

My wife just left me, screaming, "ALL YOU EVER DO IS QUOTE ELVIS PRESLEY LYRICS TO ME!"

I'm all shook up…

A quote of the President: Donald J. Trump

“I have broken more Elton John records. He seems to have a lot of records. And I, by the way, I don’t have a musical instrument. I don’t have a guitar or an organ. No organ. Elton has an organ. And lots of other people helping. No, we’ve broken a lot of records. We’ve broken virtually every record. ...

What’s my blood doctors favourite motivational quote?

Be Positive.

What's Hitachi factory worker's favorite movie quote?

"If you build it, they will come."

What is a quote by Goku called?

A Super Saiyan

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me." is a great movie quote...

...but a terrible pickup line.

What was that Spiderman quote again?

With great reflexes, comes great response ability.

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I'm not happy with the quote to insure my colon...

I'm gonna be paying out the ass.

I´ve just done a quote for painting Dr Who´s TARDIS.

$50 for the outside, $400 for the inside.

Inspirational quotes to live by until I got divorced

# Here's the original 7 quotes to live by:

1. Make peace with your past, so it won't disturb your future.
2. What other people think of you is none of your business.
3. The only person in charge of your happiness is you.
4. Don't compare your life to others. Comparison is the thief o...

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My favourite porn category is the one where girls quote 19th century Irish writers

Girls Gone Wilde.

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If you had to describe your sex life with a famous historical quote

Mine would be 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman' - Bill Clinton

"You're not gonna get a quote out of me." - Donald J. Trump

"Wrong." - Donald J. Trump

I had an idea for a Writing Prompt where there is an insane asylum full of people who think they are part of a Monty Python skit and quote the lines endlessly.

Someone told me that's called 'college'.

Asked a Landscape gardener for a quote

They said they couldn’t help me as my garden was portrait

Stalin was quoted as saying "Dark humor is like food..."

"Not everyone gets it."

Jesus was really bad at threatening people...

He was quoted for saying "Nobody double crosses me". And look where that got him.

How many media outlets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Outrage! as light socket forced into pairing with light bulb. "I just couldn't imagine this would be happening to me". Light socket is quoted as saying after the incident.


Pressure mounts on controversial home owner who refuses to rule out further forced bulb screw ins.


Associ...

My wife said she is leaving me because I always mis-quote the Terminator films.

She'll be back.

A quote from a WWII veteran...

If you see a group of soldiers but don't know where they're from fire a stray bullet in their direction and see how they react.

If they respond with precise rifle fire they're British.

If they respond with a frenzy of machine gun fire they're German.

If they try running away the...

My favorite quote is: "Kill it with fire"...

Shouldn't have wrote that on my resume when I applied for a fireman.

A horse walks in to a bar...

The bartender greets him, and says "You've been coming in here a lot. Do you think you might have a drinking problem?"

The horse pauses for a minute and says, "I think not."

And immediately disappears.



See, this joke plays on the famous Rene Descartes philosophical quot...

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”

-Abraham Lincoln, 1933

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