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Quote Jokes

“Don’t believe everything you read on the internet just because they quote someone famous.”

— Abraham Lincoln

You say you never steal movie quotes?

Be a lot cooler if you did.

Does anyone know the quote one mans trash is another man's treasure.

Its a great quote but a terrible way to find out your adopted.

Quentin Crisp Quote

“When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?”

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"Don't criticise what you can't understand." - Bob Dylan

I fucking hate that quote.

What does it even mean?!

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

Want to know what the definition of insanity is?

The definition of insanity is mindlessly repeating a quote that Einstein never said.

Positive quote on living with Schizophrenia disorder

There is always someone there who cares for you without your knowledge

My energy supplier proudly boasts that they use 100% renewables. They sent my renewal quote.

Can anybody tell me what day it was, when wind doubled in price?

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in History class on a Friday afternoon. The history teacher decides to play at pop quiz with the students and offer early marks to those who got the questions right.

“Okay Children, the pop quiz topic is Famous Quotes” the teacher continues

“I, have a dream, t...

When journalists quote you, they have a subtle but unmistakable way to call out your grammatical errors.

It's a [sic] burn.

I got charged way more than I was quoted for a new set of tires!

They said it was due to inflation.

Happy Fathers Day Quotes,,,

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” —*Jerry Seinfeld*

“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” —*Rita ...

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther ...

Quotes

"to do is to be" Plato
"to be is to do" Aristotle
"do be do be do" Frank Sinatra

A scientist took a selfie while he was drinking liquid nitrogen

He was quoted as saying "It was the coolest shot I ever took"

Chinese economist asks American Economist

The Chinese stock market experienced a drastic drop over the past 3 months. With most local economists failing to explain this phenomena, a renowned Chinese economist decided to albeit reluctantly phone up his American counterpart.

Due to the fraught ties between the two countries, the Chines...

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My wife hates it when I quote old movies incorrectly

But frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit!

An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.

As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any strip clubs while you're in New York?"

The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"

When he ...

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

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I’ll see you on Tuesday!

There was this teacher who taught 5th grade History at a little school in little suburbia. Every Friday at the end of class, she would speak a famous quote and ask the class with “Who said that?” Whoever the first student who answered correctly was told they could skip class on Monday.

There ...

True quote from Tallulah Bankhead

“Daddy warned me about men and alcohol, but he never said a word about women and cocaine.”

“The problem with looking up quotes on the internet..

Is that most of them are lies” - Abraham Lincoln

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

Local handyman comes to my house to give quotes..

I show him the kitchen that needs repainting.

"€30" he says, before walking to the window, opening it and screaming out "Green side up! Green side up!".

Ignoring the outburst because the price was so good I show him the bathroom that needs retiling.

"€30" he says, before again ...

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I got an inspirational quote tattooed on my dick...

But women were like, TL;DR!

The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

My life used to centre on math, additions and subtractions until I found a quote that expanded my worldview

"The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 20 years of his life."

Funny Quote

Funny Quote
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile.
I tried – but they wanted cash. -

- ..

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We all remember that famous quote from the Arnold Schwarzenegger sex tape.

"Live with me if you want to come."

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."


But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

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What’s a thanos quote that can be used In sex?

“I’m sorry little one.”

Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

WIFE: if you quote Ace Ventura one more time, I'm seriously going to leave you

ME: alllllllllrighty then

I can’t wait to get a girlfriend this year like that motivational quote on Facebook said

I just hope that this year my van will be able to outrun them this time!

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Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

Tom Hanks was recently quoted talking about how much he disliked one of Stephen King's novels.

T. Hanks: I hate It.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...

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Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945

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Trump wants to paint the Whitehouse. He asks for a quote from a Chinese guy, a European, and a Turk.

The Chinese guy says he can do it for 3 million dollars, the European says he can do it for 7 million, and the Turk says he can do it for 10 million.

Trump asks the Chinese man why it would cost 3 million and he responds "one for paint, one for my workers, and one for my profit".

Tru...

My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I quoted Arnold Schwarzenegger one more time.

She can leave me all she likes but I'll be back

Famous Quotes from US Presidents

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.” ― George Washington

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson

“If tyranny and oppression come to this land it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” ― James Madison

“Try and fail, but don...

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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

This should hace been a quote from the Joker movie

What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common?

When you pull one out of your bag at school, everyone suddenly wants to be your friend.

An old woman and her birthday gifts

An old woman had three sons. Two were rich and the other was poor. This woman's 90th birthday was coming up and this depressed the poorer son as he knew he could never match his brothers gifts in terms of expense or splendour.

However, he didn't give up and thought of gift she would really l...

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“Don’t let COVID dominate you” might be the Trumpiest quote ever

My bitch ass was sitting here letting my cells replicate without even asking my permission.

If you're ever losing an argument, randomly quote a statistic

People will believe you 80% of the time.

I wish the first word I said was "quote"...

....so that just before I die I could say "unquote".

My girlfriend tells me that I quote Donald Trump way too much.

She's spreading fake news. Sad!

My wife just left me, screaming, "ALL YOU EVER DO IS QUOTE ELVIS PRESLEY LYRICS TO ME!"

I'm all shook up…

Why do police cars have "to protect and serve" in quotes?

They are being sarcastic.

Inspiring quote: Build a fire for a man and he'll be warm for an hour.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!

My girlfriend threatens to leave me every time I quote Mr Brightside.

But it’s just the price I pay

TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"

It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.

Shoot for the moon, if you miss you'll land among the stars is a good quote

Unless you're an astronaut.

A quote of the President: Donald J. Trump

“I have broken more Elton John records. He seems to have a lot of records. And I, by the way, I don’t have a musical instrument. I don’t have a guitar or an organ. No organ. Elton has an organ. And lots of other people helping. No, we’ve broken a lot of records. We’ve broken virtually every record. ...

My english teacher used to quote lord of the rings to us

She used to say "you shall not pass"

What’s my blood doctors favourite motivational quote?

Be Positive.

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My favourite porn category is the one where girls quote 19th century Irish writers

Girls Gone Wilde.

What was that Spiderman quote again?

With great reflexes, comes great response ability.

Donald Trump was once asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you will never have to feed him again."

Donald 20:17

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If you had to describe your sex life with a famous historical quote

Mine would be 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman' - Bill Clinton

The two quotes that shows a person's true colors:

"It's just a game."

"Sir/Ma'am we ask u to wear ur mask."

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me." is a great movie quote...

...but a terrible pickup line.

What is a quote by Goku called?

A Super Saiyan

"You're not gonna get a quote out of me." - Donald J. Trump

"Wrong." - Donald J. Trump

I´ve just done a quote for painting Dr Who´s TARDIS.

$50 for the outside, $400 for the inside.

A quote from a WWII veteran...

If you see a group of soldiers but don't know where they're from fire a stray bullet in their direction and see how they react.

If they respond with precise rifle fire they're British.

If they respond with a frenzy of machine gun fire they're German.

If they try running away the...

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I'm not happy with the quote to insure my colon...

I'm gonna be paying out the ass.

What's Hitachi factory worker's favorite movie quote?

"If you build it, they will come."

I had an idea for a Writing Prompt where there is an insane asylum full of people who think they are part of a Monty Python skit and quote the lines endlessly.

Someone told me that's called 'college'.

Asked a Landscape gardener for a quote

They said they couldn’t help me as my garden was portrait

Stalin was quoted as saying "Dark humor is like food..."

"Not everyone gets it."

My wife said she is leaving me because I always mis-quote the Terminator films.

She'll be back.

OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children.

In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote "Hey, they’re still alive, aren’t they?"

- An ol' chunk of coal

Inspirational quotes to live by until I got divorced

# Here's the original 7 quotes to live by:

1. Make peace with your past, so it won't disturb your future.
2. What other people think of you is none of your business.
3. The only person in charge of your happiness is you.
4. Don't compare your life to others. Comparison is the thief o...

My favorite quote is: "Kill it with fire"...

Shouldn't have wrote that on my resume when I applied for a fireman.

An actual quote by President George Bush

"The problem with the french is that they don't have a word for entrepreneurs"

3 Nuns

Three nuns are driving home after an evening church service when suddenly a demon-like creature appears on the bonnet of their car.
The nuns are shocked and are unsure what to do!
"Quickly" says the Nun driving "Lean out the windows and say a bible verse"
So the other Nun winds down her wi...

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