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Quote Jokes

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"





Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."





Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."





Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"





Aga...

Motivational quote.

If you seek victory, be a sausage.

That way, you’ll be a wiener.

Funny variations of this tough guy quote

"Some people are like an old TV

They need to be hit a few times before they get the picture"



"Some people are like pasta

They're hard until things get heated and then they go soft"



And that's all I've got, if you have any share below.

Can you quote Rosa Parks?

No.

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

Quentin Crisp Quote

“When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?”

Quotes

"to do is to be" Plato
"to be is to do" Aristotle
"do be do be do" Frank Sinatra

Happy Fathers Day Quotes,,,

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” —*Jerry Seinfeld*

“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” —*Rita ...

Positive quote on living with Schizophrenia disorder

There is always someone there who cares for you without your knowledge

Does anyone know the quote one mans trash is another man's treasure.

Its a great quote but a terrible way to find out your adopted.

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My wife hates it when I quote old movies incorrectly

But frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit!

You say you never steal movie quotes?

Be a lot cooler if you did.

True quote from Tallulah Bankhead

“Daddy warned me about men and alcohol, but he never said a word about women and cocaine.”

Funny Quote

Funny Quote
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile.
I tried – but they wanted cash. -

- ..

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…

“Don’t believe everything you read on the internet just because they quote someone famous.”

— Abraham Lincoln

My energy supplier proudly boasts that they use 100% renewables. They sent my renewal quote.

Can anybody tell me what day it was, when wind doubled in price?

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I got an inspirational quote tattooed on my dick...

But women were like, TL;DR!

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

Famous Quotes from US Presidents

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.” ― George Washington

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson

“If tyranny and oppression come to this land it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” ― James Madison

“Try and fail, but don...

When journalists quote you, they have a subtle but unmistakable way to call out your grammatical errors.

It's a [sic] burn.

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What’s a thanos quote that can be used In sex?

“I’m sorry little one.”

I got charged way more than I was quoted for a new set of tires!

They said it was due to inflation.

Local handyman comes to my house to give quotes..

I show him the kitchen that needs repainting.

"€30" he says, before walking to the window, opening it and screaming out "Green side up! Green side up!".

Ignoring the outburst because the price was so good I show him the bathroom that needs retiling.

"€30" he says, before again ...

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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.

As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any strip clubs while you're in New York?"

The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"

When he ...

A quote from a WWII veteran...

If you see a group of soldiers but don't know where they're from fire a stray bullet in their direction and see how they react.

If they respond with precise rifle fire they're British.

If they respond with a frenzy of machine gun fire they're German.

If they try running away the...

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

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Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945

Statistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

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Poker is like sex

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes pu...

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We all remember that famous quote from the Arnold Schwarzenegger sex tape.

"Live with me if you want to come."

If you're ever losing an argument, randomly quote a statistic

People will believe you 80% of the time.

What was that Spiderman quote again?

With great reflexes, comes great response ability.

The problem with quotes on the Internet...

is that it is hard to verify their authenticity."

\~ Abraham Lincoln

A quote of the President: Donald J. Trump

“I have broken more Elton John records. He seems to have a lot of records. And I, by the way, I don’t have a musical instrument. I don’t have a guitar or an organ. No organ. Elton has an organ. And lots of other people helping. No, we’ve broken a lot of records. We’ve broken virtually every record. ...

A random quote written in gents toilet

You future is in your hand

.

..

Imagine the quote written in ladies toilet

.

.

Do not play with your future....

This should hace been a quote from the Joker movie

What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common?

When you pull one out of your bag at school, everyone suddenly wants to be your friend.

I wish the first word I said was "quote"...

....so that just before I die I could say "unquote".

What is a quote by Goku called?

A Super Saiyan

What’s my blood doctors favourite motivational quote?

Be Positive.

I hate people who quote misspelled text

They make me (sic).

Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

WIFE: if you quote Ace Ventura one more time, I'm seriously going to leave you

ME: alllllllllrighty then

Mark Twain Quote

"Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason."

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Trump wants to paint the Whitehouse. He asks for a quote from a Chinese guy, a European, and a Turk.

The Chinese guy says he can do it for 3 million dollars, the European says he can do it for 7 million, and the Turk says he can do it for 10 million.

Trump asks the Chinese man why it would cost 3 million and he responds "one for paint, one for my workers, and one for my profit".

Tru...

The two quotes that shows a person's true colors:

"It's just a game."

"Sir/Ma'am we ask u to wear ur mask."

Asked a Landscape gardener for a quote

They said they couldn’t help me as my garden was portrait

I can’t wait to get a girlfriend this year like that motivational quote on Facebook said

I just hope that this year my van will be able to outrun them this time!

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Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

My girlfriend tells me that I quote Donald Trump way too much.

She's spreading fake news. Sad!

My favorite quote is: "Kill it with fire"...

Shouldn't have wrote that on my resume when I applied for a fireman.

My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I quoted Arnold Schwarzenegger one more time.

She can leave me all she likes but I'll be back

A legendary quote by Mahatma Gandhi

"History is not created by those who browse in incognito mode"

Who keeps the children?

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the jud...

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Famous quotes....

At school one day Little Johnny's teacher announced that she was going to say a famous quote and that whoever could correctly guess the person who said that quote would be able to leave school early. Little Johnny gets all excited because he knows his history.

So the teacher asks first: "Wh...

To quote my late father...

"Traffic is heavier than I expected."

Why do police cars have "to protect and serve" in quotes?

They are being sarcastic.

Donald Trump was once asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you will never have to feed him again."

Donald 20:17

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I'm not happy with the quote to insure my colon...

I'm gonna be paying out the ass.

My life used to centre on math, additions and subtractions until I found a quote that expanded my worldview

"The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 20 years of his life."

My english teacher used to quote lord of the rings to us

She used to say "you shall not pass"

Inspirational quotes to live by until I got divorced

# Here's the original 7 quotes to live by:

1. Make peace with your past, so it won't disturb your future.
2. What other people think of you is none of your business.
3. The only person in charge of your happiness is you.
4. Don't compare your life to others. Comparison is the thief o...

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My favourite porn category is the one where girls quote 19th century Irish writers

Girls Gone Wilde.

An actual quote by President George Bush

"The problem with the french is that they don't have a word for entrepreneurs"

My girlfriend threatens to leave me every time I quote Mr Brightside.

But it’s just the price I pay

I will never forget a quote by Mark Zuckerberg that is often misattributed to Voltaire:

“While I disapprove of what you say, I will defend to the death my right to make money off of it”

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If you had to describe your sex life with a famous historical quote

Mine would be 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman' - Bill Clinton

Tom Hanks was recently quoted talking about how much he disliked one of Stephen King's novels.

T. Hanks: I hate It.

Want to know what the definition of insanity is?

The definition of insanity is mindlessly repeating a quote that Einstein never said.

I´ve just done a quote for painting Dr Who´s TARDIS.

$50 for the outside, $400 for the inside.

Most Contradictory Inspirational Quote Ever?

"Follow Your Dreams."

-Freddy Kreuger, 2016

My wife just left me, screaming, "ALL YOU EVER DO IS QUOTE ELVIS PRESLEY LYRICS TO ME!"

I'm all shook up…

Inspiring quote: Build a fire for a man and he'll be warm for an hour.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!

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Little Johnny knows his quotes.

Little Johnny was in class while the teacher was giving an oral quiz on History. "Who said 'Give me liberty or give me death'" started the teacher. Johnny raised his hand.

A ittle Japanese exchange student piped in: "Patrick Henry, 1776"

Again: "Four score and seven years ago..." Johnn...

Stalin was quoted as saying "Dark humor is like food..."

"Not everyone gets it."

A quote from the guy who invented the stationary exercise bike...

"My life is going nowhere."

Shoot for the moon, if you miss you'll land among the stars is a good quote

Unless you're an astronaut.

"You're not gonna get a quote out of me." - Donald J. Trump

"Wrong." - Donald J. Trump

“You simply cannot trust quotes found on the internet.”

—Abraham Lincoln, November 19, 1863.

My grandma once told me an inspiring quote about the ocean

I can't remember exactly how it went. I just remember it being very deep

What's a baby boomers favorite Pirates of the Caribbean quote?

Take what you can, give nothing back!

Actual quote from a kid visiting from China

Q: Do you like it hear in America?
K: Yes.
Q: Why?
K: Because the sky here is blue.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...

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