A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.

**14 Missed Calls**

A coach known for disagreeing with the referee’s decisions approached the referee after a match and said:

“That was a great match!”
“Oh, really?” the referee replied with a smile, clearly flattered.
“Yes! I wish you had seen it!”

You should never trust a tanned referee.

Because he's always unfair

Why was the referee banned from the arena?

For their foul language.

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

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Tales from the front line

Back in my Army days (mid 80s) we were on a winter training exercise with the medical battalion. Our platoon was assigned the job of being casualties for the treatment company.

They assigned us our roles told us what injuries we were supposed to have sustained then dispatched us out in the Bu...

What do you call an English man at a world cup final?

A referee.

So I’ve just been watching the rugby World Cup, must be really difficult to be a referee in Russia

Whenever they say the put in isn’t straight, they get arrested

Did you hear about the first female NFL referee?

She threw a flag for something that happened last season.

A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist

He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a pie...

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A pro wrestler is down to fight The Mad Monk, and his manager says to him:

"Whatever you do, don't let him put you in the Mad Monk Hold. That's his signature move and no-one's ever gotten out of it."

But about five minutes into the fight, sure enough, our boy's all wrapped up like a human pretzel, with one arm going one way, one leg going another way, his spine all ...

Why did the black referee give a warning to the Nascar driver?

Because he loved pulling out that race card.

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

How did the referee declare Aaron Hernandez dead?

"After review, the receiver did not get two feet down."

Who would make the best referee ?

Snow White, because she's the fairest of them all.

Why did the referee blow his whistle at the leper hockey game?

There was a face off at centre ice.

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell.

"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."

"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, *we* have all the referees."

Did you hear about the referee that got fired from the NBA?

Supposedly he's a whistleblower.

Was playing soccer last week and the referee said I could only take the free kick if the ball was stationery.

So I swapped it for a pencil.

Did you hear about the Welsh baseball referee who circles the world each day?

The sun never sets on the British umpire.

I went to an NBA game and there was a female referee

She only made 75% of the calls that the male referees made.

Having one child makes you a parent...

Having two makes you a referee.

What do you get when you cross Helen Keller and a Zebra?

A referee

What happens to football players who go blind?

They become referees

Dont want to Catch Covid-19

Dress up as an NFL referee they don't know what a catch is

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A: A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

Why will all of the referees check their voicemail immediately after the Super Bowl?

So they can hear someone say "no missed calls"

100 meter race ho

Referee - '1,2,3 GO!'...

Everybody started running except Dummy.

Referee - Y r u not running...?

Dummy- My number is 4.

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A painting of Custers last words

Two guys in a museum are looking at the same painting. One says to the other,
“what does that mean?” Refereeing to the painting in front of them showing underbrush, in the desert, with Indians copulating behind a bush. Top of painting showing Jesus on the cross.

“Its custards last words”...

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Wrestling

The World Wrestling Championship was being held in the UP of Michigan, at the "Paper Clip Center' just outside UMPsville, between the 2 finalists, a American and a Russian. The Russian was known for his "Pretzel Hold". No man in history had got out of the Pretzel Hold. The Russian had won 1 bout and...

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While playing in my local basketball rec league, I once thought that my next game would be against the Boston Celtics.

I was proven wrong once the game started and I got a good look at the opponents. They wore grey instead of green. Likewise, Kemba Walker, Jayson Tatum, Gordon Hayward, and Jaylen Brown were nowhere to be found.

Instead, I found myself face-to-face with a bunch of stinky, over-weight neckbea...

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Two guys are watching the Kentucky Derby.

One of the guys, Jeff, is there, bragging about how he has a really fast dog that can almost beat the horses. He bets everyone there 300$ that their pets can’t beat his dog in a race. The other guy, Steve, is wearing a trench coat. Steve walks up to Jeff and takes him up on the bet.

After the...

A soccer hooligan appears before a judge.

He is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.



“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.



“Stones, sir,” the officer r...

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.

The Russian pretzel

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.

When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."...

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the referee was blowing fowls

Pavlov's birds

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it ...

Why didn't Indians play soccer?

When referee gives them a corner, they want to open a shop.

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The Golden State Warriors flew to Jamaica to play an exhibition game against a local team.

The Warriors kept on losing the ball and missing easy shots. Kerr, the Warriors' coach was furious, but the players said that the balls were too small, and kept slipping out of their hands.



By the end of the half, they were down by 20 points, with Steph Curry, the Warriors' captain...

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Why God never got a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
t...

I have 2 eyes and can't see, but millions of eyes on me. What am I?

NFL Referee

Did you hear about the NHL official that was arrested as a serial killer?

His name was Referee Dahmer.

Little bit of a read but funny

(Im from Louisiana and we usually use Boudreaux and Thibadeaux as our characters with our cajun accent but for joke purposes ill use tim and matt)
Tim and Matt went to see a wrestling match at a local arena. There was a famous wrestler in town called the Human Pretzel (due to his special move fol...

Making Jokes About Racial Stereotypes

What do you call a white man surrounded by 4 black men?
Coach.
What do you call a white man surrounded by 12 black men?
Football Coach.
What do you call a white man surrounded by 40 black men?
Football Referee.
What do you call a white man surrounded by 100 black men?
Warden.

Just learned NFL has female referee

When she throws a flag and just looks at a player is he supposed to know what he did wrong?

Will she throw a flag next season for something a player did this season?

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Two Redneck

Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching
rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement.
A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about $10,000 dollars in
prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".

Jake looked at Bubb...

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