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Referee Jokes

A coach known for disagreeing with the referee’s decisions approached the referee after a match and said:

“That was a great match!”
“Oh, really?” the referee replied with a smile, clearly flattered.
“Yes! I wish you had seen it!”

A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.

**14 Missed Calls**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

A referee walks into a bar...

Then some chairs, and then a table...

A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist

He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a pie...

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell.

"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."

"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, *we* have all the referees."

You should never trust a tanned referee.

Because he's always unfair

Footballer to referee: Would you send me off if I said you were a useless cheat?

Referee: Yes.

Footballer: But you couldn't send me off for thinking it?

Referee: No.

Footballer: Right then, I think you're a useless cheat.

I was the referee in a Russian Roulette tournament

I did an excellent job, none of the losers complained

Why was the referee banned from the arena?

For their foul language.

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A pro wrestler is down to fight The Mad Monk, and his manager says to him:

"Whatever you do, don't let him put you in the Mad Monk Hold. That's his signature move and no-one's ever gotten out of it."

But about five minutes into the fight, sure enough, our boy's all wrapped up like a human pretzel, with one arm going one way, one leg going another way, his spine all ...

How did the referee declare Aaron Hernandez dead?

"After review, the receiver did not get two feet down."

Why did the referee stop the leper hockey game?

There was a face off in the corner.

Did you hear about the referee that got fired from the NBA?

Supposedly he's a whistleblower.

I went to an NBA game and there was a female referee

She only made 75% of the calls that the male referees made.

A blonde is in a swimming competition.

She comes in dead last in the 100m breast stroke. After she climbs out of the pool, she walks over to the referee.

"I don't want to sound like a whiner," she says, "but I think the other swimmers were using their arms."

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.

Did you hear about the first female NFL referee?

She threw a flag for something that happened last season.

Pavlov's birds

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it ...

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A: A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

I lost my ex because of a heart attack, and I can only blame my new job.

If I hadn't been hired as a boxing referee, I wouldn't have tried counting to ten first.

A football fan appears in court for battery

The judge says to the fan: So you are very sure you only threw tomatoes at the referee?

The fan: yes, your honour. I'm very sure.

The Judge: Then how do you explain the deep cuts and bruises on the referees face?

(The judge points at the refs battered face.)

The fan: yeah...

What do you get when you cross Helen Keller and a Zebra?

A referee

What happens to football players who go blind?

They become referees

Having one child makes you a parent...

Having two makes you a referee.

100 meter race ho

Referee - '1,2,3 GO!'...

Everybody started running except Dummy.

Referee - Y r u not running...?

Dummy- My number is 4.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "About time you got here," the bartender comments. "You missed all the excitement." "What happened?" the guy asks. "We had a NFL referee in here. He had too much to drink and was running around blowing his whistle at everyone. I finally had to warn him abou...

Last week Elon Musk surpassed Jeff Bezos as richest man in the world.

This week, Tom Brady's referees surpass Elon Musk as the richest men in the world

The college basketball team at Indiana University had just finished their worst season in school history.

The head coach, Bob, knew the team needed a different approach next year.

In the off season, Bob was driving around town when he saw a panhandler at a stoplight, and realized that this panhandler was around college age, and looked close to 7 feet tall. Bob stopped his car to talk to him and ...

Did you hear about the Welsh baseball referee who circles the world each day?

The sun never sets on the British umpire.

Was playing soccer last week and the referee said I could only take the free kick if the ball was stationery.

So I swapped it for a pencil.

What do you call an English man at a world cup final?

A referee.

People in COVID-19 Denial

A Referee shouting 'QUIET PLEASE' during a Tennis match without audience

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the referee was blowing fowls

I have 2 eyes and can't see, but millions of eyes on me. What am I?

NFL Referee

Football

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous. "There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. ...

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A painting of Custers last words

Two guys in a museum are looking at the same painting. One says to the other,
“what does that mean?” Refereeing to the painting in front of them showing underbrush, in the desert, with Indians copulating behind a bush. Top of painting showing Jesus on the cross.

“Its custards last words”...

A soccer hooligan appears before a judge.

He is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.



“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.



“Stones, sir,” the officer r...

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Tales from the front line

Back in my Army days (mid 80s) we were on a winter training exercise with the medical battalion. Our platoon was assigned the job of being casualties for the treatment company.

They assigned us our roles told us what injuries we were supposed to have sustained then dispatched us out in the Bu...

Just learned NFL has female referee

When she throws a flag and just looks at a player is he supposed to know what he did wrong?

Will she throw a flag next season for something a player did this season?

Did you hear about the NHL official that was arrested as a serial killer?

His name was Referee Dahmer.

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The Golden State Warriors flew to Jamaica to play an exhibition game against a local team.

The Warriors kept on losing the ball and missing easy shots. Kerr, the Warriors' coach was furious, but the players said that the balls were too small, and kept slipping out of their hands.



By the end of the half, they were down by 20 points, with Steph Curry, the Warriors' captain...

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Why God never got a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While playing in my local basketball rec league, I once thought that my next game would be against the Boston Celtics.

I was proven wrong once the game started and I got a good look at the opponents. They wore grey instead of green. Likewise, Kemba Walker, Jayson Tatum, Gordon Hayward, and Jaylen Brown were nowhere to be found.

Instead, I found myself face-to-face with a bunch of stinky, over-weight neckbea...

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