UPJOKE
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Because Nintendo's beloved character is Japanese, Mario is his LAST name. His first name?

Itsume.

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"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student.

The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who filled out by Birth Certificate was an asshole."

Unusable name

A man comes to the birth registration office to register his newborn son.

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."

 The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.

Says th...

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

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Karma is a weird name...

They should rename "karma" to "creddit"

They should also rename the "share" button to "spreaddit"

They should then also rename the "delete" button to "shreddit"

But they don't, and I don't geddit



* Eddit: Wow, I did not expect to get gold for that one...

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What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
...

Name one superhero that can beat Captain America...

Captain Vietnam

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God: "Adam, I'll let you name the birds"

Adam: "Tit"

God: "Uhh ok"

Adam: "Boobie"

God: "Stop naming them after breasts"

Adam: *Looks at rooster*

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

a teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name “hijkm” she says “i’m sorry, i’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out. a girl raises her hand and says this:

“that’s me, and it’s pronounced noelle”

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I think we should stop turning normal names like "Karen" into slurs

It's a real Dick move.

If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate

And I'll name the other "DupliKate"

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".

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I just learned the medical name for Viagra.

Mycoxaflopin

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What’s Your Name, Sailor?

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

\-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

\- “John,” the new seaman replied.

\- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call a...

What’s a good name for a detective?

Mr. E

* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

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My wife called out another man's name during sex

If I ever find out who this "Ron Hole" is, I'm going to kill him

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You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.

You have died of dissin’ Terry :(

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name

He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love," inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately,...

BREAKING: Due to inflation, Dollar Tree will be changing it’s name…

…to Tree Dollar.

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is

Why are hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they come, they are wild and wet. But when they leave, they take your house and your car.

My wife said she wanted to name our child Eevee because she thought it would be cool to name it after a Pokemon

I said 'ditto'

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

What is the best name for an abortion clinic?

Don’t Kid Yourself.

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[NSFW] My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

I asked him if his girlfriends name was also Wendy.

He said ‘No....

I named my eraser Confidence

Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make

What is the name of that restaurant?

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man...

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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

I called a dwarf by the wrong name.

He wasn't Happy.

Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name?

It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

Have you ever noticed how most Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus

I named my kid Bob Ross

He was a happy little accident.

Did you know Yoda had a last name?

Layheehoo.

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My new girlfriend has the same first name as my sister.

Which is quite odd, because now, when we have sex, I think about my girlfriend :(

What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?

The control group.

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A man decided to tattoo his wife's name on his penis before going to their honeymoon

When erect it proudly reads *Wendy* on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows *Wy*.

While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a *Wy* on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy.
...

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They're going to have to change the name of the U.S Virgin Islands

They're about to get fucked

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details...

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In the past, your last name often reflected your profession. Tailors - taylor, Blacksmith - Smith, ect.

So what the heck was a Dickinson?

Didn't Snoop Dogg change his name?

Or was Snoop Lyin'?

Edit: Just in case the king sees this, I got mad respect for you Dogg. Smoke weed everyday.

(His grandmother passed away recently, I'm just trying to be nice people.)

There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

I love when street names or city names kind of match where you live.

For example, I grew up on Old Dike Road. You can guess who my neighbors were.

That's right, a couple of civil engineers.

Wait, what were you thinking?

NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

There's a man named Johnson who owns a nail company, Johnson Nails.

Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figures he might want to try putting out a youtube video to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson's company. He tells Johnson to come back the nex...

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Why are wonka's a good name for testicles?

Because they're located in between a Willy and a chocolate factory

You know who really gives kids a bad name?

Elon Musk

I’m going to name my son ‘science’

So that he can win every argument with: “well, science says that…”

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

I can't remember the name of that Italian dessert where you pour espresso over ice cream.

I asked my Italian friend, but he couldn't remember either.

Gen Z names are so stupid. For instance, a young man introduced himself to me as Jathan..... Not Jason. Not Nathan... Jathan.

I'm not good with remembering names so I try to incorporate them into the conversation to help me to remember. So I said to him

"It's very nice to meet you Jathan."

"That is a very unique name, Jathan."

"Are you from around here Jathan?"

To which he replied

"Wow, a...

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”



"Because…He’s my newt.

They were going to name a street after Chuck Norris…

Then they realized nobody can cross Chuck Norris and live.

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick

Mostly because his name is Steve

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”Hello. My name is Paul, and I am a sex addict.“

Group leader: ”Hello Paul. Nice to meet you. But I have to tell you that the sex addicts meet three rooms further down the hall. This is the group for single moms.“

Paul: ”I know.“

"Hi my name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic." "Sir, this is Triple A, not AA."

"I know, I’m trying to explain why my car is in the lake."

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

I wish that there was a restaurant named “I don't care,”

so I'd finally know where my girlfriend was talking about.

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spen...

So i asked a ouija board for the name of my future wife

Wtf kinda name is hahaha

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I hate when a girl says the wrong name during sex

They know my name isnt Someone Help

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song,...

What is another name for a gynocoloist ?

A private investigator.

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My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that I had a name for my penis

I guess I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands

My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her cigarette

...and every night we go out for a drag.

My girlfriend asked me to name...

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.

Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name

He was like, "No way!"

I was like, "Yahweh"

If Marie Antoinette, Anne Boleyn, Charles I, and Louis XVI formed a band, what would its name be?

The Talking Heads.

I didn't take my husband's name when I got married.

I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

My parents named me after my older brother.

And before my younger brother.

I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...

He's a small arms dealer

Lance is not a common name nowadays.

But in medieval times, people called their sons Lance a lot.

What is another name for a cow's fart?

Dairy air from a derriere.

I think my neighbour is stalking me. I caught her Googling my name. At least I think she was...

The focus on my telescope is a little shaky.

The name's Bond.

Ionic bond. Taken, not shared.

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

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Saturday Night Live is getting a name change!

Saturday Night Live is getting a name change. It's now called "Sunday Morning DVR."

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"





Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."





Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."





Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"





Aga...

What is Donald Trump’s Spy Name?

Agent Orange!

I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny

Because he's my newt

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Metamucil changes its name to Facebookmucil

CEO admits the move was difficult, since both firms deliver crap.

"Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events...

... to something like "Reigning Men."

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

Walking hand in hand, a daughter looks up at her father and asks, "Daddy, what did YOU want to name me?"

"Zelda honey," he responded, "I wanted to name you Zelda. But on the night you were born, mommy said there was no way I was naming you Zelda. You see honey, mommy went through a lot that night, and I was in no position to win naming rights."

"But why Zelda?" she asked.

"Bec...

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

"This is our child 모 Lester"

I asked a girl for her name.

She said it was "Pitaka"

I said: "That's an unusual name, you don't hear that every day."

To which she replyed: "Actually, I do"

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water

I responded "Well, dam"

What's a good brand name for a tofu sausage?

Not dog

Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee…

But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone

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My ex-wife had my name tattooed on her boob, but she had it removed.

I’ve been erased from her mammary.

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What's with girls having weird names nowadays?

I recently slept with a girl and after sex she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.

There's a mouse named In and a mouse named Out. How does Out know that In has died?

Instincts

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My girlfriend has the same name as my grandmother

and whenever she and I are having sex I start thinking about my girlfriend.

Baby Naming

A couple had just had their first child, a boy.

The father was Irish and Indian, the wife Chinese and Italian.

Each wanted their son’s name to reflect his heritage.

After much back-and-forth they finally decided on the name:

Ravi O’Lee

No one knows the first and middle name of the famous poet T.S. Eliot.

It’s Top Secret.

Name a vegetable that's kind of cool.

Radish

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A guy tattoos his girlfriend's name on his penis

Her name is Wendy, but when his penis is soft only the "W" and the "Y" can be seen. Kinda weird, going around with a random "WY" tattooed on his weiner, but he really loves Wendy, so he couldn't care less about what other people thought.
One day he goes to play soccer with some friends of his an...

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I...

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing."

"I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?"

"Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees."

"Was that when you did it?" The priest asked.

"No, the ball b...

All groups of animals have unique names: a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, a colony of ants… so what do you call a group of Karens?

An HOA

Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

Because your mum loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter.

Thanks, Dad

No problem, Alan.

A man named Bart walks into a bar.

The bartender shoots him on sight.

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.

I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”

But today, I ran over 5 miles

My Goldfish are named "one" and "two".

If one dies, i still have two.

How did Canada get it's name?

They put all the letters of the alphabet in a hat and pulled them out one at a time...

"C, eh. N, eh. D, eh."

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TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

Why did Batgirl change her name to Batwoman?

She had her Bat Mitzvah.

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

If Will Smith, Amber Heard, and Chris Brown formed a band, what would its name be?

The Heavy Hitters.

"Fortnite" is a terrible name for a game.

It's too weak.

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My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister...

... So whenever we have sex and she screams: "Say my name", I always feel bad because it reminds me of my girlfriend.

The Washington Redskins are changing the team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with their name.

....from now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.

How long is a Chinese name

That wasn’t a question

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

Why couldn't the zoo reveal the name and location of its newest animal?

HIPPO compliance

"Why did you name me Lily?"

"Father," said Lily, "why did you name me Lily?" Lily's father smiled, "On the day you were born, a gentle breeze carried a lily through the window, and it gently fell onto your forehead, and so we named you Lily." Lily smiled at her father, and went back to playing.
On that same day, Lily's sist...

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...

...with my bear hands...

What is the scientific name for mansplaining?

Correctyle Dysfunction

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

Funny and Witty WiFi names?

I think the best I've come across are;

1. Drop it like it's hotspot

2. The Promised LAN

3. Wu Tang LAN

4. Chance the Router

5. Winternet is coming

6. A LAN time ago

7. I believe Wi can Fi

8. Vladamir Routin

9. That's what she SSID
...

What's in a name?

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."

Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"

"Denise," t...

A guy named Bob dies and goes to hell

Before him stands the Devil.

"Hello, Bob. Welcome to Hell" the Devil says. "Now there are seven levels of hell and since your only sin was cheating on a science test in third grade, you'll be moved to level 1"

"Okay, that doesn't sound so bad" Says Bob

"Level 1 is the hottest...

What’s the name of Mr. T’s girlfriend?

April, fools

Why does Hillary Clinton have two Ls in her first name?

1 for 2008, 1 for 2016

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A group a of 3rd grade boys are being called a name by some 4th graders…

The 4th graders kept calling the 3rd graders dicks.
Naturally the younger kids had no clue what a dick was, so one boy speaks up and says he’ll ask his dad wha a dick was.
Once home, he proceeded to ask his dad what it was.
Taken back by such a question, the dad say, “not only can I tell y...

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained...

“Because...he’s my newt!"

A cat owner invited their neighbor over for dinner and introduced their four cats. "That's Alogue, Aract, Erpillar, and Astrophe," they announced. The neighbor was surprised and asked, Where on Earth did you get those names?

Oh, those are their last names, the owner said. Their first names are Cat.

Jesus Christ was supposed to be named Franklin....

Until Mary stubbed her toe.

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