A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

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My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

Why are hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they come, they are wild and wet. But when they leave, they take your house and your car.

Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water

and I was like "well, damn"

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex.

He's a small arms dealer.

I wrote down the names of everyone I dislike on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.

He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

A man named Rick walks into his room after a long day of work and sees his wife crying on their bed.

He askes her what it was all about and she said that she had been threatened by someone she thought was her friend earlier that evening.

Now, Rick has no idea how to handle this, so goes to confront his friend Lee, who has some experience with things like this.

After a long discussion...

Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?"

"It's Alzheimer, grandma".

A man named Jeff was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of Jeff’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”



Jeff replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”



“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.



The next day, the officer saw Jeff driving d...

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A guy named Oedipus just hit me with a car.

That Motherfucker

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It’s just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during sex.

I accidentally shouted out my sister’s name last week…

My mum was not happy!

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

There was a man named peta who was reading a book called "Animals"

He didn't like it so he put it down

A Grandmother Asks His Grandson: Hey, what is the name of that german guy that always hides my stuff?

Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer.

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I hate people who make fun of Uranus by calling it names like your anus. I always tell these people:

You're heinous.

Have a daughter named after my mother in law

Passive-Agressive Psycho turns 5 next week

A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?

The Bartender

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

"This is our child 모 Lester"

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.

Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to *their* store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.

The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's c...

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My wife said she would be pissed at me if I named our dog a silly name.

So I called her Bluff.

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What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store?

Pan Nick at the disc co

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At the beginning of class, the teacher introduced: "Children, today we welcome our new friend from Japan, his name is Suzuki Shakira."

Let start our lesson today by a few quizzes about American history !

\- Who said "Give me liberty or give me death." ?

The whole class was silent, only Suzuki raised his hand:

\- Patrick Henry, Philadelphia,1775.

\- Excellent ! Next one, who said "...government of the peo...

A Boy Named Meaty

There once was a boy named Meaty. He was wrong about everything. In school his teacher would ask "Meaty, what's 1+1?" Meaty would answer, "11!" The teacher would respond, "Meaty, you're wrong." But Meaty didn't give up easily. He always raised his hand and gave his best answer, and his teachers woul...

So you like metal? Name 3 blacksmiths

.
.
.
.
.

Me: Will, Jaden and Willow

TIL: There is a scientific name for couples that use the withdrawal method for birth control

Parents

What is Albert Einstein's rapper name?

MC Squared!

I have a horse named Mayo

and sometimes mayo neighs

Name the body part that your mom has 2 and a cow has 4.

Legs.

They named a chicken joint “Popeye’s...”

...because they stick it in Olive Oil.

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what would be the stage name of Whitney Cummings if she did porn?

Whitney Cummings.

I asked 𝘎𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘪 why he wrote his name all slanted

He told me he was italian

I named my toilet "Jim" today

That way it sounds a lot better when I go to the Jim each morning

I heard about this pick up line where you say "kiss me if im wrong, but is your name Lisa?" to a random girl you like and decided to try it out.

You would not believe my bad luck, all of the girls I asked where actually named Lisa!

How long is a Chinese name

How long is a Chinese name

What's another name for a vegetable that makes you turn and scratch

Spin itch

People: God, do you have a name?

God: Yah, why?

Name for a PTSD support group

I just got kicked out of my support group for those chronically depressed with PTSD. We were trying to think up a group name, apparently 'The Suicide Squad' isn't considered appropriate.

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With all the recent name controversies, Tampa Bay Buccaneers will be renamed the Tampa Bay Tampons.

They are not the best team, but they are up there.

I have a girlfriend named yranigami

But she's only visible in the mirror

My Name ist short

An employee from a different Branche visits.

Coworker: "you should know that the Boss Here is called featherstonehaugh. He dislikes being mispronounced so try to remember it. My own Name is 'short'."

Employee: "my name is short too, it's 'Long'."

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A sixth grade boy named Timmy was in charge of taking his little brother to school..

A sixth grade boy named Timmy was in charge of taking his little brother to school for the first day of kindergarten. As Timmy got on the school bus, the bus driver stopped Timmy and said, "Timmy, who's that?" while pointing at his little brother.

"That's my little brother," said Timmy qui...

If i had twin daughters, I would name one Kate, and the other...

DupliKate.

What would you call a rapper named T-Cell?

A natural killer!

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

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Steve Jobs named his company after the apple Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge.

Bill Gates named his company after his penis.

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So there's this kid named Jackson . . .

Jackson is about to have his first day of kindergarten.

He knows his name. He's like 5 or 6, or whatever age kindergartners are. They all know their names. That's important.

So Jackson goes into his class. His parents drop him off or whatever. Class starts and the teacher starts doing ...

I had 3 French cats. The three are named un, and deux who could swim,

but, my trois cat sank.

Hi my name is Dave I’m five feet, 11 inches

...Those are 2 different measurements!

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Why do men name their penis?

Because they don't want a total stranger making their decisions for them

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A man visits court to ask for a name change

"Hi there, I would like to change my name, please", the man says.

"I see... Why exactly do you want to change your name?", the clerk asked.

"Well, I was named after my father but he abandoned us while I was a baby so I don't feel any connection to it."

"I understand but we can't...

First Rancher: What's the name of your place?

Second Rancher: The XWK Lazy R Double Diamond Circle Q Bar S

First Rancher: How many cattle do you have?

Second Rancher: Only a few. Not many survive the branding

A friend got his name legally changed from Pert.

I guess he's an expert now.

Jeff was a prolific name dropper and his mate Jack had had enough.

“Surely you don’t know every person you mention,” he said.

“Sure do,” replied Jeff. “I know them all.”

Wanting proof, Jack wagered Jeff that he could find someone he didn’t know, a bet that Jeff accepted. They jumped on a plane and flew to Marvel Studios.

“OK,” said Jack, ...

Wonder if Kylo Ren took his grandfather's name in his honour.

Would be weird signing off orders as "K. A. Ren".

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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick

Mostly because his name is Steve.

I played Oregon trail and made fun of a guy named Terry. He stabbed me...

I died of Dissin'-Terry

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

What were the names of the two rival vampire gangs?

The bloods and the crypts

Did you know that all the planets in the solar system are named after a god,

Except earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.

A United States Marine named Jeff was deployed to Afghanistan

While he was there he received a letter that said: "To Jeff" from his girlfriend back home.
In the letter, she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.


To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of...

My son, Carson, asked me where he got his name

I told him, "well you were conceived in the backseat of my car, so you're our car-son"

A teacher asked Mary to name 5 animals from Africa.

*"Four elephants and a giraffe."*

What was the name of the old movie about the baby goat that learns martial arts?

The Karate Kid

What do you name a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, he ain't comin'

Do you know where you find a dog like that?

Right where you left him.

During a zoom band class the teacher asked a student to name different notes. As he was reading them he stopped suddenly and said, "I forgot what note this is"

A bandmate put an F in the chat.

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

I once knew a vampire named Backspace.

I asked him why he was named Backspace and he said, "It's because I'm really good at removing type-O's."

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"Hello, my name is Tobias and i am here to fuck your daughter."

"To WHAT?!"

"To-bi-as!"

Ordering at Starbucks. Employee: Your name please. Man: Stephen with a ph

Pheteven it is.

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It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

You can spend all day thinking of names for maneuverable armored warships...

.. but at some point you have to say ‘frigate’ and move on.

Do you know what a really cool name for a country would be?

Chad

Can you believe the Canadian prime minister's name isn't Trump?

It's Trudeau...

I kid names Josey was a sleep in Sunday school

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" Th...

I often wonder why hurricanes have names like Andrew, Elisa, Katrina, Dorian, Irma

Name a hurricane: Death Megatron 2000, they'll automatically evacuate from their

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Heard the body paint store now has some color mixes named after emotions

Well, color me surprised!

also English is not my first language and I am really proud of that shitty joke

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Two prawns named Christian and Jason are swimming together on a reef

Being near the bottom of the food chain, both are in danger of being eaten and are constantly scared of any larger fish. Christian loves his life despite the odds, but Jason is unhappy. He wishes to no longer be scared. "Wouldn't it be great if we were the top of the food chain?" Jason says, "imagin...

What's the best name for a pair of glasses?

Seymour

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So there are 2 farmers named Bob and Joe..

Bob never went to college, so one day he tells Joe he is going to enroll at the local university to get an education.

The next day Bob meets with the Dean of the university, and the Dean signs bob up for 4 classes.

Science, Math, Literature and Logic.

“Logic? What’s that?” Bob...

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You are helping a friend name jack with cleaning the gutters.

You are holding the bottom of the ladder for him as he is cleaning his gutters out.
Jack goes to get on the roof to get a better position of the gutter and the ladder slips. Says “I have seemed to let the ladder slip off and I’m stuck on the roof now”

Will you help jack off?

Mr. Bean's first name

Fun Fact : Mr. Bean's first name is Mr. As seen on his passport in the movie.

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A man gets his wife's name tattooed...

...on his penis. So when he his erect it spells her name Wendy. When flaccid it says Wy. One day hes taking a piss and a black guy walks in. He dosent mean to but notices the black guys dick also has a wy. So he asks the man hey is your girl named wendy? Guy looks at him and is like what? The guy ex...

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There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird ...

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My dog named sex

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.

That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.

But, have you heard the plight of the bloke who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?

It goes like this:

"One day Sex and I took a walk and he...

I won't be eating at my favorite Italian restaurant any more. They have a new chef named Sal.

Sal Monella.

A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times..

All that before they even left the house!

Whenever someone asked Susie's name what her name was, she would say, "I'm Mr. Sheaton's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong. She must say, "I am Susie Sheaton."

One day, a new teacher at her elementary school recognized her and asked, "Aren't you Mr. Sheaton's daughter?"

Susie replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."

They have developed a new laxative with a catchy name.

Commodium.

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A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,

"Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

"Beersex."

Apple have officially rebranded with the name APPLE

Due to their obsession with capitalising.

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A guy was asked to name a weakness of his during a job interview

Guy: Well, I tend to be a little bit too honest

Interviewer: Well, that is a good thind, I don't think that is a weakness

Guy: I really don't give a fuck what you think

The Washington Redskins announced their new name!

The Pacific Northwest Redskins

The Washington Redskins finally decided to change their name to get rid of the association with historical racism

They'll now be known as the Arlington Redskins.

Did you catch the name of that Korean plumber?

I think it was Yuli Kang...

I will name my son Physics.

So that I will be called Father of Physics.

My name's Robin

Robin Dakarma

That's right, put it in the bag.

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”



"Because…He’s my newt.

My friend Jay had twin daughters recently, and wanted to name them after him.

So I suggested Kay and Elle.

Why does Edward Woodward have so many “D’s” in his name?

Because otherwise his name would be Ee-wah Woo-wah.

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about Blue...

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Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?

Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head.

Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom?

Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head.

Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa?

Mother:...

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon.

I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!

asked the Killer



Lily: M-My name is Lily..

Killer: Okay, you've the same name as my mom, I'll let you live. How about you ?!

Marshall: I'm Marshall but my friends call me Lily!

Name the movie in which Russell Crowe acts as a zombie

Glad I ate her

What is another name for an Eggplant?

A chicken. It plants eggs

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I named my dick Life

It gets hard sometimes

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

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Bedbugs got their name from being found in our beds.

Cockroaches

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(Subject matter: Anything is a dildo if you’re brave enough) There once was a lady named Jill

Who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

I feel bad for all the nice women named Karen who have to deal with the bad stereotype of asking for managers. Sharon's too..

Because Sharon is Karen

What did the lawyer name his baby?

Sue

ELI5 ~ Why did they name them horses...

...and not zerocorns?

What is Karen's male version's name?

Richard

(For the non-Americans: cause he's a 'Dick')

Name the smaller rivers that run into the Nile

The Juveniles

My Husband thought of a tea shop name “these tea’s are made of leaves.”

Honestly, who am I to disagree.

Name 3 things that don't hang themselves

Pictures, Drywall and Jeffrey Epstein

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What's Moby Dick's dad's name?

Papa Boner.

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.

Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

There was an old woman listening to the radio when she heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She decided to call the radio station to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”

So the woman asked, “Is that a record?”

To which the man replied, “No, its average!”

Dad, why is my name Experience?

Son, it's because Experience is the name we give to our mistakes

Hey guys, my name’s Chad. I’ve been sober for 47 days now.

Not in a row or anything. Just... total.

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained...

“Because...he’s my newt!"

If i had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name

I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella”

Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?

Because they were both watchdogs.

The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive

So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?

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A teacher was doing role call in class and had called Timmy's name

A boy raises his hand and says: "Timmy is not going to be at school for a while. His brother told me he was using the air compressor on his asshole and is now in the hospital."

The teacher corrected the boy: "don't you mean rectum?"

The boy: "Wrecked him? His brother said it damn near ...

The Washington Redskins just officially announced they are retiring their team name and logo.

The new team name is going to be the Washington Engines.

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

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Sports Teams should be named for what their city is famous for

For example: Dallas is known for cowboys, San Francisco was the place for the miners, 49ers, to bring their gold and claims, Islignton was famous as being home of the Artillery Regiment, thus "Arsenal," Milwauke HAD brewing.

Washington should change their name to "Senators," and Cleveland cou...

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once upon a time there was a village where everyone was named after letters of the Alphabet.

Also everyone referred to one another as "person".

"Hello person"
"How are you person"
Greetings, fellow person!"

and so on.


Anyways one day an outsider wanders into the village and he is being introduced to everyone by the village guide.

"This, is person A. Tha...

My friend is having an affair on his wife Lorraine with a girl named Kealie,

One day his wife finds out about Kealie and says that she wants a divorce,

My friend was happy with it because he didn’t really like Lorraine so he says that he’s fine with the divorce,

A couple months go by and the divorce is final and he is ecstatic, he calls me and says,

I ca...

Why did the name a mix between a golden retriever and a poodle a golden doodle?

Because otherwise it would be a poo retriever.

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