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My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis (NSFW)

My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

...

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“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

“Trojan” isn’t a good name for a condom.

Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?

So i asked a ouija board for the name of my future wife

Wtf kinda name is hahaha

Why are most hurricanes named after a woman?

When they come, they come wet and wild. When they leave they take your house and your car!

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

What did the drummer name his twin daughters?

Anna 1 , Anna 2

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..

After much argument they decided on the name.


Ravi O'Lee

Mama, how did I get my name?

(USA-centric)

"Mama, how did I get my name?"

"Why do you need to know, Loquinda?"

"It's for my homework."

"Well, I was staying at a LaQuinta Inn the night you were conceived. So I just rearranged the letters a bit to make a pretty name."

"Oh. That's cool. How did m...

I wrote the names of everyone I have unfriended onto a piece of paper, but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

A buddy of mine named is dog "5 miles"

Just to say he walked 5 miles.

But today he ran over 5 miles.

Somebody asked me to name two structures that hold water.

I was like well damn.

A guy named Ryan Edit won first place in a marathon.

Race director: Here you go, these are for you.

A man named Bart walks into a bar

The bartender shoots him immediately

At my school there’s a rapper named MC Squared

The science teacher just calls him E

Name the worst two-wheel drive in Texas

Govenor Abbot

What did the Mountaineer name his son?

Cliff

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I once dated a girl named Rachel, but she turned out to be a nasty bitch. As a result, I now refuse to associate with women named Rachel

Then again, I could just be Rachel profiling

Imagine a con artist named Dom.

He’d be called condom.

What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?

The control group.

"You know, a lot of people don't know this. "Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome," and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding."" - Natasha Leggero

"You know, a lot of people don't know this. "Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome," and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding."" - Natasha Leggero

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OnlyFans just announced that they will be getting rid of all porn on their platform on October 1st…

On October 2nd they will announce that they’ll be changing their name to “NoMore Fans”

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If Wallsend was named because the Roman wall ended there and Newcastle because a castle was built there!

How did Cockermouth get its name?

"dad, why is my sister's name Rose?"

"Because your mother likes roses"

"oh, thanks dad"

"no problem, Richard"

There was an FBI agent named Craig.

Craig's job was checking furniture that people sell online to see if there's nothing illegal in it.

However, Craig had a weird habit - instead of tracking all illegal items, he had a document with every single legal piece of furniture that people sold, and he was removing items from there if ...

what's the name of those people who are frequently around musicians??

drummers

A boy asked his father "Why is my sister named Theresa?" "Because your mother loves Easter and Theresa is an anagram." "Thanks dad."

"Your welcome Alan."

Albert Einstein had a brother named Frank.

But he was a real monster.

I have a dog and his name is Libido.

Them: I thought you said earlier that you don’t have a dog.
Me: ::sigh:: Exactly.

What do you name an American, Communist Pirate Ship?

The U.S.S. ARRRGH

If my name was David and I had a boy, I would have to name him Harley.

That way he could introduce himself, I’m Harley, David’s son.

My mom always wanted to name her kids with the 4 same letters. There's my two sisters Lana and Nala, and then there's me...

Alan.

My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards..

And i asked Y not...?

My name's Justin

Boy : My name's Justin

Girl : Did I ask?

Boy : Justin Case

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man are chatting in a bar. The Englishman says "We named my son George because he was born on St. George's Day".

The Scotsman says "Wow, what a coincidence! My son is called Andrew because he was born on St. Andrew's Day"

The Irishman says "I can't believe it! Wait till I tell you about our Pancake"

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

What did the group of urologists name their band?

I See Pee.

A woman from[Insert trashy town name here] goes to the local social security office

The registrar asks her a few background questions.

How many kids do you have? I have 8 boys, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the first one? John, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the second one? John, she says
The registrar says - they are both named John? Yes - she replies.
Ok ...

What was the name of the huge boat that was built to harbour a mole of each element in order to not have them go extinct due to the big flood aka the big crunch of the universe?

NaOH's Ark

My wife and I were having an argument the other day. She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.

A Few Hours Later At Work, I Felt Terrible About What I Had Said, So I Called Her To Apologize And I Asked Her, "What Are You Doing?"
And She Said, "I'm In Bed."

So I Said, "What Are You Doing This Late In Bed?"
And She Said, "I am doing a survey!"

Why was her name Jessica Rabbit?

Because of the RED HARE!

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Here's a great idea for a boyband. Go to an old age home, assemble a group of old men and give one of them Viagra. The bands name you ask?

One erection

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

A 5 year old was asked to name any 4 sources of food

1. Plants
2. Animals
3. Uber Eats
4. Foodpanda

Wanna know how Canada got its name?

They just picked letters from a hat.

“C,” eh.

“N,” eh.

“D,” eh.

Steve and Buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I ...

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The generic name for Viagra is

Mycoxafloppin

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I named my penis "matters"

So when my girlfriend breaks up with me I can take matters into my own hands.

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My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is

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I named my penis Batman

Because the Dark Knight Rises.

A young adult named Bob enters a confessional

Bob: “Forgive me father, for I have sined.”

Priest: “It’s pronounced ‘sinned’, but that’s unimportant, what have you done?”

Bob: “I divided the opposite side by the Hypotenuse on a right triangle”

Why are there so many Italian guys named “Tony”?

Because when they were loaded onto a ship from Italy, they stamped their foreheads with “To: NY”

Sailor, name a species of lemur

Aye-aye, captain!

I got a pet owl named Robin.

Robin Hoo-d.

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You see a man on the side of the road. You pull over and ask his name. “Terry,” he says.

You pull over and ask his name. “Terry,” he says.


You start laughing. “That’s a girl’s name!”


He pulls out a gun and shoots you.

=== =====

You have died of dissin’ Terry.

To raise heart health awareness, Cardi B changes her name...

To Cardi O

Making fun of that British actor Cumberbatch's name is legally required to carry on.

There's Ben an Edict.

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That's my name!

Skinny white man goes into a lift and looks at huge black man who says, "Before you ask me I'm 7ft tall 350llbs have a 20"willy and my balls weigh 3llbs each, Turner Brown. White man faints, when he comes to he asks the black man to say that again. Black man repeats his statistics and says my name's...

Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.

I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."

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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

What's the name of the oldest dinosaur?

The Mybachisaurus

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What’s one product Microsoft can never put their name on?

Boner Pills !

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

There was a man once who was named "Odd"

He hated his name because he was bullied due to his name in School. His whole life he had to endure people making fun out of him. When he was old and on his death bed, he told his children that his headstone should not have his name and should be blank. After he died, his children fulfilled his wish...

My horse’s name is mayo

Mayo neighs

Excuse me, but is anyone in here named Michael?

I'm just doing a Mike check.

One day I’m going to open a furniture store named Sofa King.

That way I can make late night tv commercials and shout “our prices are Sofa King low!”

My legless dog is named cigarette…

Every day I take him out for a drag.

Who's that kid in that movie you can't ever remember their name?

Whatchamacaulay Culkin

There once was a boy named Anonymous...

People always asked him if he wanted to change the name his parents gave him, to which he would always smile and reply,
"No, I wish to remain Anonymous."

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".

"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".

"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

Standing in Schiphol airport, I overheard the two women next to me. One was trying to remember the name of the Dutch company that builds jet planes. I knew the answer and thought....

Fokker.

My aunt named her son "Shine".

I didn't know why she gave him such an awkward name.

Until one day when I listened to her singing her son to sleep:

"You are my son, Shine,

My only son, Shine..."

\-----

Edit: stupid typo

A man hires a hit man to assassinate a man named Michael,

Guess you could say he, DROPPED THE MIKE

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

Hey, what was the name of that one disease where you forget things?

I keep forgetting what it's called.

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A strip club joke

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a w...

A struggling businessman named John approaches Yoda seeking financial advice

John asks Yoda “How is it that I am not rich? I work 80 hours a week, I kiss up to my bosses, I avoid my family, I stay away from romantic relationships, I never go out with friends, and yet still, I am not wealthy. Everybody told me that under capitalism, if I worked hard enough, I too could be ric...

A teacher asks a student to "name two animals peculiar to Australia"

He responds with "The polar bear and penguin are peculiar to Australia, but the kangaroo and dingo live there."

When I was a kid I had a penpal who lived in southeast Asia who worked in an athletic clothes sweatshop. I would send him gifts from America and he would send me different clothes he made at work. His name was Chen, but I called him Bean Burrito.

Because he made me puma pants.

*One never knows,,, A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"

One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew he...

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we’ve got a drink named after you!”

The grasshopper says, “Oh dang, you got a drink named Larry?”

What did the hispanic firefighter name his two son's?

Jose and hose b

"Zoom meetings" is a stupid name, and it's branded. We should call it a bit more casual like "coworker video chat"...

Or something shorter, like "co-vid".

They named a chicken joint “Popeye’s...”

...because they stick it in Olive Oil.

What will be a the menu of a restaurant named karma?

There will be no menu you will get what you will deserve

I went through the Lincoln tunnel today and I gotta say, I’m not ok with the name of where you pay your toll…

…The “John Wilkes booth”?!?!

What is the scientific name for a dog that smokes marijuana

Cannabis lupus

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OnlyFans has just announced that it is removing all pornography on october 1st.

I suggested they change their name to LonelyFans, but i dunno

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.


Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

My girlfriend said she is leaving me because of my constant name dropping

David Beckham warned me this might happen...

[Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath.

Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I’m Heather.

Guy: This isn’t a competition.

I named my Horse “Mayo”

And sometimes, Mayo Neighs.

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.

One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars. Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride. She refused, quipping "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride. Again H...

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A guy named Dave is hanging out with his friend Steve at a bar

Dave is really down in the dumps so Steve asks him what’s up.

Dave: “My wife has been making me pay for sex!”

Steve: “Really? How much does she charge you?”

Dave: “$50 every time!”

Steve: “Wow, you’re lucky!”

Dave: “Lucky!? How could you say that!?”

Steve: ...

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A strong japanese man named Akihiro

Had Moved to New York City. He took a bus to his work every day from monday to friday. When the bus driver asked Akihiro to buy a ticket, Akihiro said "Akihiro no pay ticket". And the driver was too scared to argue, and let Akihiro go to his spot. The bus driver started building muscles so he could ...

Almost no one knows what the initials T and S stand for in T.S. Eliot’s name.

It’s Top Secret.

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There are three brothers. One is named Shut-up, the next is named Crap, and the last is named Manners

Shut-up was driving home when he was pulled over by a cop for speeding. The officer asks for his name and he says "Shut-up."

The officer gets mad and said "Sir I need your name!"

"Shut-up."

Officer "That is very rude! Tell me your name right now!"

"I said Shut-up!" ...

My name is Eaton, and my coworker and I were talking about name tags,

I keep an abundance of mine attached via magnet to my desk so I never forget to have one.

She lost the backing to her name tag somewhere around her desk.

I let her know that I have a bunch extra so if she needed one just take one.

She asks, "So, I can be Eaton today then?"
...

My friends think that your name represents what you should do in life. Dina worked to find a dinosaur fossil, and Jack became a lumberjack,

We don’t talk about Cliff.

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There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russ ...

Uncle Names Twins

A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud m...

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So I used to know this guy named Richard..

Everyone always called him a Dick, but I thought he was pretty nice.

[NSFW] What’s Another Name For A Necrophiliac?

Ghost Rider

There's this new guy on my bowling team. His name is Frank, and he's a really nice guy and an excellent bowler, but there's just one thing about him.

At the end of every game, Frank says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late." The rest of us guys find it really annoying. He almost always shows up right on time, but still, he always says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late."

One day we decided that we wanted to find out why he alw...

A 60 year old man named Bill goes to get his physical.

When his doctor is finished, he shakes his head. "Bill, you're a 60 year old man, you have the body of a guy in his 40's. You're in better health than most patients I see. I have to ask - how old was your dad when he died?"

"WHAT?", Bill bellows, "Who says Dad's dead?" The doctor starts t...

How long is a Chinese name

That wasn’t a question

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Did you know that 80% of people masturbate while in the shower, and the other 20% whistle or sing the same song? Do you know what the name of the song is?

Well I guess I know what you’re doing in the shower!

I asked a fortune teller the name of my future wife.

I have no idea what kind of name is "Yorhand". Sounds Swedish though.

My mailman has a really long name

There's just so many letters.

Scientists have developed a new alcohol so addictive you can’t live without it. It’s name?

Oxy-Gin.

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

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Two Americans named George and Ted were vacationing in London one day. While Ted was using the bathroom at a restaurant, George saw two familiar-looking men enter the restaurant.

"Where have I seen you before?" asked George.

"You may have read our stories," replied one of the two men. "I'm Dr. John Watson, and this is my roommate, Sherlock Holmes, who is absolutely perfect at logic."

"Logic?" asked George. "What's that?"

"Tell me something about yourself...

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I couldn't remember the name of Kanye's new album

But then it Dondan me.

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Allison was bragging to her boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of her, boasting, her boss called her bluff, "OK, Allison, how about Reese Witherspoon?"

"No dramas boss, Reese and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Allison and her boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Reese Witherspoon's door, and Reese Witherspoo shouts,

"Allison! W...

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What is the name of the Greek god of sexually transmitted diseases?

Herpes (badumm tss)

[OC] I'm gonna name my daughter Vaccine...

That way she will have to explain to her nieces and nephews why she is Auntie Vax.

Two cats met at a river bank to cross the river. One was named One-Two-Three, the other was named Un-Deux-Trois.

Unfortunately, only One-Two-Three cat made it across. Un-Deux-Trois cat sank.

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The ship stuck in the Suez should be named in honor of Mitch McConnell.

It's big, full of crap, and obstructing everything in its path.

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

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On thanksgiving day, a boy overheard his parents callling each other names.

He heard his dad called him mum a bitch and his mum called his dad a bastard. The boy asked his parents what the two words meant, and they said bitch means girl and bastard means boy.

Later that day, his dad is shaving in the bathroom; he then accidentally cuts himself and says shit. The boy ...

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There was a kid named Billy who always had nose bleeds.

There was a kid named Billy who always had nose bleeds. He could feel it coming 15 seconds before it actually happens. So one day, Billy walks into class and sits at a desk, waiting for the teacher and other students to come to class. A religious kid comes to class and sits next to Billy. Then the t...

Your spy name is

Your last name, followed by a brief pause and then your first and last name.

Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ?

Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.

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What was Dr. Frankenstein's dog's name?

Scraps

What is the flower name of Jay-Z?

Day-Z :)

My mom had two conjoined sisters and both of their names were Andra. When they were murdered, I gave up joking.

And mourned my double entendres.

It's been 2 days and it's driving me crazy but I can't remember the name of those small blocks with which kids and adults build stuff.

My wife tells me to Lego of it but I can't.

How did a Chinese guy have a Tamil name:

I recently met a Chinese man in Toronto and got to know that his name was "Kannaswami”.

I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"

He said -"Many, many years ago when I first went to Canada, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter....

Went to a restaurant with my wife and the host’s name was Alex. So I said “Table for 2 Alex”

We were the first Daily Double…

If anyone gets this joke I apologize immensely. Bad dry dad jokes are kinda my thing.

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Teacher asks her students to name medicines they know and state their uses.

Little Susan stands and says, "PANADOL"

Teacher: Used for?

Susan: I think headache

Teacher: Good

Musa: PIRITON

Teacher: used for?

Musa: Helps in sleeping..

Teacher: Excellent!!

Little Johnny (stands confidently): VIAGRA

Teacher (nearly f...

How Canada got its name...

They figured out the fairest way to name their country was to pull letters out of a hat. So they gathered around and a guy started pulling letters...

*pulls letter* "C, eh."

*pulls another* "N, eh."

*pulls another* "D, eh."

And that's how Canada got its name.

My legal name is 0100110

but you can call me Codey.

A young man named Benny was a real party animal.

He lived for the good times of wine, women, and song. He wished he could continue his life style forever. A genie suddenly appeared before him and made him the following wish: Benny would remain forever young if he would never shave. If he were ever to shave the genie would return and transform him ...

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I had a student named Miles in my 5th grade class who moved to JAPAN. Had to change his name to Kilometers.

Slight adjustment to an originally hilarious joke that was shunned on a technicality. #IwasOnlyJoking

I'm fine..

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?
Paddy responded: 'Well,...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

What was the name of that old French singer again?

I keep forgetting.

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