If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate

And I'll name the other "DupliKate"

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”



"Because…He’s my newt.

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”

But today, I ran over 5 miles

I didn't take my husband's name when I got married.

I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith

I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

##

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died"

Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back"

The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already"
...

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

I was named after my dad

Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name

'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that h...

I named my eraser Confidence...

Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make

I think Saturn's name is the best in our solar system

It has a nice ring to it

I just formed a grunge band and named it "1023 Megabytes"

... haven't gotten a gig yet though.

When you take a pen name ....

... that's a nom de plume.

When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre.

When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.

Man 1: “I love sandwiches!” Man 2: “Me too. By the way, I heard you just bought a horse! What did you name it?” Man 1: “Mayo.” Man 2: “Mayo? Why Mayo?”

Man 1: “Because he neighs.”

A man named Joseph moved into the apartment next to another man and his fiance.

The man and his fiance got to know Joseph over the next few months and became friendly towards him.

One day, Joseph was caught in an accident at work and injured his eye. He had to have a cotton patch over it for a few weeks while it healed.

It was during this time that the man's fianc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some last names originate from what the family did in the past...

Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons...

Rick, a salesman, specilized in real estate. As he was talking to a client names Down about a property. The client said to Rick...

"Never in my life have i seen such a pretty house!"

"Gonna buy it?" asked Rick.

"Give me the paperwork" said Down. "I'm gonna."

"You made the right choice." said Rick, while grinning a grin. What he had neglected to tell his client was thay the upstairs was completly damaged....

A teacher asks the class to name something they are not good at, beginning with the letter O. One student raises his hand and answers...

Spelling


(Stephen Cookson)

Everybody had a name.

Except

What was the name for that stuff that builds up under foreskin again?

It's on the tip of my tongue.

If I had a dog I would name it stain

So whenever I would call for it, I would yell “come stain!”

Expectant mothers of Reddit, name your child Gotham.

When they cry in the middle of the night you can turn to your SO and whisper on their ear 'Gotham needs you!' and they will get up.

How long is an Asian name

More specifically, it’s Vietnamese/ Chinese

One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, "it's going to rain"

His wife asked, "how do you know?“

>!"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"!<

A king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name?

King Philip III

I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".

And there's always a room for improvement.

What did Al Gores name his electric band?

The Algorithm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where did shuttlecocks get their name?

Rocketdick didn't catch on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

I dare you to name one thing that has done more for the environment than Greta Thunberg!

The Coronavirus

If i were a gangster my name would be mitochondria

because when i would get arrested i would be the powerhouse of the cell

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...

He's a small arms dealer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I named my dog insane.

So when people ask me ‘are you fucking insane?’ I’ll say no, I’m fucking my sister.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s another name for a peacock?

Peanis

Why does Edward Woodward have 4 D's in his name?

Because if he didn't he'd be called E war woo war

Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not joking..

but he is.

Gonna start a condom company, buy I'm still working on the name.

I think I'm gonna go with Don't Kid Yourself. That's also what the magnum size is called though.

Did you know George Foreman named all of his sons "George Foreman?"

It's also what he named his little grill.

Names can be meaningful

There were 3 little brothers: Flower, Petal and Brick.

The kids were wondering how they got their names so they decided to go ask dad!

Flower: Dad why did you name me Flower?

Dad: You see kid, when you were born, a tiny little flower dropped down on your head!

Petal: Dad ...

What’s another name for a noisy body of water?

A creek

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the name of the generic form of Viagra?

Mycoxafailin

Just be thankful COVID-19 wasn't instead named East Asian Respiratory Syndrome.

"Dude, don't touch her. She has EARS!"

I was named after my father.

Which only makes sense. It would have been odd if I were named before him.

Two cats swim in a race. One is named one-two-three and the other is named un-deux-trois. Which cat won the race?

One-two-three because un-deux-trois quatre cinq.

If I was a rapper,I would name myself Snickers

Because M&M is already taken.

I called a dwarf by the wrong name.

He wasn't Happy.

A father names has 3 daughters named Petal, Flower, and Brick

Petal asks "dad, why was I named Petal?"
He says a petal fell from out of nowhere and landed on her forehead right after she was born so he named her Petal.

Flower asks "so, dad why was I named Flower?"
He says a flower fell from out of nowhere and landed on her forehead as well right a...

What do you call a dinosaur with many names?

A thesaurus

Mary and Joseph are trying to find a name for their son

Joseph paces back and forth inside the manger, and hit his head because of the low roof.

"Jesus Christ!"

and Mary: "Ehy, I like that"

I named my wife's wild mouth after spider man

Peter Parker

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident...

In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for a...

A teacher notices a kid not paying attention, points at him and asks him to name two pronouns

Who? Me?

In case you don't know Yoda's last name

It is LAYHEEHOO

My teacher told us she was going to have a baby, but now she cries when we say her name.

I don't know what's wrong with Ms. Carriage.

The company that brews Corona beer is losing revenue because people can't tell the difference between a beer and a virus. They want to change the name of the virus...

It's a toss up between the Plague Extra or the Plague Premier.



Personally I think they should call it Covid-19 Viral Stout.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I named my iPhone “Titanic”

Going to wait till it syncs, then Jack off.

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Hitler wrote a computer manual what would he name it?

Mien Kampfputer

(OC)

My mom has a brother named Bob

All of my life I never understood why so many people felt they needed to tell me he's my uncle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to court to legally change his name.

Judge: “It says here that you want to change your name. What is your name, young man?”

“Donald J. Shit,” says the man.

Judge: “Well, I can certainly see why you want to change it. What are you hoping to change it to?”

“Larry Shit.”

I named my horse "Mayo"

Sometimes Mayo neighs.

What's a great name for a pilot?

Al T. Tude

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you think you had an embarrassing childhood, my Father's name was Richard.

Half of my family photos contained Dick picks.

Why is the ”ghetto” named so?

Where else you can you “get a hoe”.

A woman gives birth in the hospital to a beautiful baby boy. “I’d like to name him Jack”, she says to the Nurse.

“I’m sorry,” said the Nurse “but that name is already taken. How about Jack573 or Jack_142?”

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple's children get together to ask their him about the origin of their names.

"I suppose you're all old enough that we can tell you the real story. Each of you were named according to the circumstances surrounding your conception," the father said.

"What about me?" asked his first child.

"Well, Breckenridge, your father and I took our honeymoon to go skiing and ...

What did the drummer name his twin girls?

Anna one, Anna two

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black guy named Kyle

Kyle you fucking racist

How to name a virus... WHO version:

WHO HQ in 2003:
: There’s a new type of corona virus outbreak in Guangdong province in China.
: Let's call it Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome aka SARS.
: Excellent name. It does not refer to any specific location or people. So no one will be blamed or feared for it.

Also WHO ...

Skipper was always bragging to his boss, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

One day, tired of Skipper’s boasting, his boss calls his bluff. “Okay, Skipper, how about Tom Cruise?”

“Sure, Tom and I are good friends, and I can prove it.” So Skipper and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Skipper! Great to se...

I saw the actress who is in Cougartown and Freeks and Geeks at a store today. I shouted at her to ask her name but she continued what she was doing and left quickly after that

I guess she was busy

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A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job...

For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake ID's and made an appointment for the next day.

After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided ...

Scientists have finally named the 119th element!

The new official name is “Astonishium”. It seems they have discovered the element of surprise.

I get a lot of emails from a guy named Don O'Treply.

I wonder why he never seems to get my replies?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Native American lad asked his dad how they got their names.

Well son, the morning after a child is born the father leaves the Teepee and the child is names after the first thing he sees. That is how your sisters Wild Flower and Running Deer got their names. And how your brothers Red Cloud and Soaring Eagle got their names. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BECOMING IRISH

Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..


"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher,
"so from now on you will be known as Mick."

Mohammad returned hom...

TIL why seagulls have their name

Because if they flew over they bay, they would be called bagels.

-From my architecture teacher

Why is this site named Reddit?

Because the other site really Blueit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life Hack: Give your child a normal name.

Me: I'm guessing you're still pissed that we called you Life Hack...

Once there was a foster kid named Jumprope

No one through YEARS of guessing and thinking could figure out why on earth his birth parents would give him such a dumb name. They finally figured out why when he took a DNA test to figure out his ancestry, both of his parents were from the Netherlands. He was double dutch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

Have you heard about the disease named after a baseball skill?

It's catching.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sirius B is moving towards us at 10 km per second at may get the latin name "tribulatio" ( trouble ) and may hit an outer the outer planet Uranus one day.

We have Sirius trouble in Uranus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do we have diaper brands named "Huggies, luvs and Depends?

When a baby shits themselves we will still "Hug" and "love" them.


When an old person shits themselves it "depends" who is on the will...

What do you name a scandal in the Colgate company?

Colgate.

World Taekwondo Federation has changed its name over negative connotations

WTF?

I was offered a list of available escorts and my curiosity was taken by a girl named Jaws.

When I asked why she was called that I was told because her body was obviously fake and you could always hear her coming.

Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.

-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.

Yes, that’s right, Alan.

-Thanks, Dad!

There once was an Irishman named Paddy who was a regular at his local pub

Every day he would come in and order himself 3 pints, “one of me brother Seamus in America, one for me brother Liam in Australia, and one for me.”

One day Paddy came into the pub and ordered two pints instead of the normal 3. The pub went quiet and everyone turned solemn. The bartender slow...

What do you call a Turkish man named Robert?

Kebob.

Wuhan Flu was renamed COVID19 but I think Wuhan Flu is a more appropriate name...

It's more catchy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Wendy's manager named Kenney was sitting on his ass in the office during a shorthanded lunch rush, surfing Reddit.

YOU'RE THE JOKE, KENNEY. I CAN SEE YOU. EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU. GET OFF /R/MILF AND GET OUT HERE.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are two best friends named Jimmy and Freddy...

...who love to do woodworking together in Freddy's garage. One afternoon, Jimmy shows up at Freddy's house and discovers the butterfingers Freddy has cut his hand off with the circular saw. Jimmy remembers something he read once, puts the hand in a bag on ice, and rushes his friend and hands it of...

What is the rapper name of Jay-Z's lazy brother?

Lay-Z

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

What is the name of the Mexican man who lost his car yesterday ?

Carlos.

My brother heard they call their mother some other name in the UK. He really wants to know what it is, but I’m not telling him to annoy him.

Mum’s the word.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve often wondered when A.A. Milne was naming Winnie the Pooh, where he got the name Pooh from..

Then I thought, maybe he just pulled it out of his ass.

Last Name Only !

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.



“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.



“John,” the new guy replied.



The manager scowled, “Look... I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you work...

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What's the most common name for men with small penises?

Justin

An African American woman named Bethany goes to the butchers to see if they have any beef.

"No, black Betty. Ham or lamb"

My friend asked me what the name of that famous ice cube movie was.

I replied, "Titanic?".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s weird they named Virginia after the Queen’s virginity...

That would be like naming Jamestown Prematureejaculationville.

My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is another name for Male Sex Toys or Technology you use?

Erectronics

What do you call a marathon of people named Aaron?

Running Errands

There was once a man by the name of Austin Richard Post

He thoroughly enjoyed writing music, but could never quite find people who would want to make music with him; this often left him secluded in his life. Disappointed by his lack of fame and a band, he talked to a local bartender, surrounded by drinks, about his situation.

"I just don't unders...

A Vietnamese couple get married, but both want to keep their surname. Luckily neither mind, agreeing to double barrel the two names.

It’s a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

"Luigi, what was the name of that Schumer chick that no one likes?"

"It's Amy, Mario."

TIL the scientific name for mucus in your nose is nasal ejaculent

No it's snot

What's your name?

The receptionist asks 007 his name
He replies "Bond...James Bond"

.
.
.


"I didn't ask for your middle name Bond Bond"

Jiffy foods are good and all, but I can never remember how to spell their name

I know it starts with a big J, then after that it's a little iffy.

Andy's mom's toys have the same names

Woody and buzz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know there's a technical name for the pleasure center of the vulva

But I just can't put my finger on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The drinker announced to the bartender, “It seems I’ve been informally named advisor on ‘Sexual Matters’ at my company.”

“That sounds interesting. Does this mean you’ll be counseling the business executives on relations with their female colleagues?”

“I’m not sure yet,” he answered.

“During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told ...

What's another name for the Corona Virus

The kung-flu

Hey, what a nice dog you have there, what's his name?

- He's called Homeopathy.
- Can I pet him?
- Yeah sure, he won't do anything.

There were two birds, one named Pete and the other named Repeat. If Pete flew away, who would be left?

Repeat.

Ok, So there were two birds...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boyfriend has the same name as my brother.

So when we fuck and I scream his name, I remember my boyfriend.

His name is Rube Goldberg

that name rings a bell, which sets off a trap that undoes a buckle and releases a ball that rolls down a pipe and...

There was a man named John Odd

There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name.

People constantly made fun of it, called him and his wife "The Odd couple", named him "The Odd man out" wherever he went, all that.

So he's getting older and writes out his will. And in the will he says when he dies he doe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cat named Edward who has sex with his mother?

Oedipussy.

There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went...

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