Hi, my name is Bob, and I’m an alcoholic

“Sir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous”

“I know, I’m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.”

What is the best name for an abortion clinic?

Don’t Kid Yourself.

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

Now that Facebook changed their name to Meta, FAANG is not longer a valid abbreviation of the biggest 5 tech companies.

I'd like to suggest MANGA

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man decided to tattoo his wife's name on his penis before going to their honeymoon

When erect it proudly reads *Wendy* on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows *Wy*.

While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a *Wy* on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy.
...

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Metamucil changes its name to Facebookmucil

CEO admits the move was difficult, since both firms deliver crap.

Kid: Santa, what’s the story of your reindeer names?

Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!

Kid: What about Donner?

*A dark countenance settles on Santa’s face*

Santa: The year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada...

I once had a dog with no legs. His name was Cigarette.

Every morning I'd take him out for a drag.

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I...

“Trojan” isn’t a good name for a condom.

Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?

“Hey dad, why is my sisters name Teresa?”

“Your mother named her after her love for Easter, and when you rearrange the letters you get Easter.”

“Alright, thanks dad..”

“No problem Alan!”

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“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

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A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

A woman named Bechdel talked to her female friend

“How’s it going?” she asked. “I’m good.” her friend replied. And Bechdel was satisfied.

To what would you change the name of a kid named Hunter if he becomes a vegetarian?

….Gatherer

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther ...

Guys who call themselves "alpha males" stand true to their name.

They have the lowest rate of penetration.

What’s the name of the Grimm Reaper’s dog?

Snuffles.

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My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis (NSFW)

My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do so many men name their penis?

Because they don’t like being led around by a complete stranger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Facebook company has changed its name to Meta

This reminds me of the time I was at a function with Mark Zuckerberg.

I Meta morally corrupt, reptile looking asshole.

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My boss hates it when i shorten his name to Dick

Probably since his name is Michael.

I think Lance is a good name for my new child

But people don’t name their kids Lance-alot these days

So i asked a ouija board for the name of my future wife

Wtf kinda name is hahaha

A farmer has four daughters named Betty, Mary, Flo, and Luck. who each have dates tonight.

He is overprotective about his daughters, and he fidgets with his shotgun a lot. He is also nervous about the boys coming to pick them up. He hears a knock on the door and opens it. There is standing one of the daughters dates.

The boy says,

"Hi my name is Teddy!

I'm here to pi...

Why are most hurricanes named after a woman?

When they come, they come wet and wild. When they leave they take your house and your car!

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My wife asked, “Do you know someone called Lisa?” “Nope”, I replied. “You must know somebody called Lisa”, she said. “Actually, that’s the name of my dog who died when I was a young kid. Why?” I replied.

“Because your dead dog just texted you and she fancies a shag tonight!”

Why do hurricanes often have women's names?

They're wet and wild at first then after a while they end in tragedy often leaving men homeless!

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You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.

You have died of dissin’ Terry :(

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Did you know that scientists have named the core of Uranus?

It's called urectum

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What's in a name?

An American college student visits Ireland while traveling throughout Europe. He finds a quiet town and enters a pub. It's empty save for the bartender and an old man at the far end of the bar. The American student sits down and politely orders a Guinness.

The old man speaks loudly and unprom...

Why did Britain change its name to Brian?

Because those dang colonists got rid of their tea.

My parents named me and my sister after anagrams of things they love most...

So my sister is Teresa because they love Easter, still not worked out why I'm called Alan.

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An old man named Steve is walking down the street and sees a clown walking towards him.

"Hey look, a clown!" Steve says. "Do you think you could make me laugh?"

The clown says, "Not now, I'm tired. I want to go home."

"Oh come on!" says Steve. "Show me a magic trick you sissy! Make me feel young again!"

Steve won't quit harassing him, so the clown reluctantly agre...

Which designer fashion brand would never print their name on panties?

The Gap

Facebook has changed its company name to Meta

Presumably because they've never Meta hate group they wanted to silence.

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What's something you can say in church and while having sex?

I come in the name of the Lord.

I find it really awkward that my Grandparents named my Dad's sister "Vaccine"...

I'm embarrassed to tell people that she's Auntie Vax.

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread.

Then I realized it said "Thick Cut."

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The little Indian boy asked his dad "How did Rose Petal get her name?"

The father replied. "Well son, when your mother went out for the first time after your sister was born, she stepped on a rose petal. So we named her that."

The son nodded.

"By the way," the father continued. "Why do you want to know, Bear Shit?"

(NOTE: This is just for laughs, a...

The inventor of the ballet skirt was struggling for a name for his invention.

Finally he put tu and tu together.

I finally got a name change!

My name is now legally Joe, but for some reason people stopped taking me seriously.





They think I’m Joe King

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

How did Canada get its name?

2 people were walking around, and one says, "Oh this is a good country, eh? What should we name it?" So the other one says, "I agree, what should we name it?" The first one says, "Let's pick letters out of a hat." So they put letters in a hat and start to pull them. "We picked a C eh, N eh, D eh"

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What's another name for Viagra?

Girth Control

Interestingly enough, scientists have discovered a fascinating new species of frog, named the “Romulan Pond Frog” that has an amazing way of evading predators.

In the press release, scientists showed footage of the frogs using a special call that appeared to disorient predators, leaving them unable to precisely locate the frogs.

Scientists are calling this special call a "croaking device."

A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..

After much argument they decided on the name.


Ravi O'Lee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would Bill gates's porn star name be?

Microsoft

What’s your name? When did you get here? Do you want copper, bronze or tin?

Justin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you name a dog with steel balls and no hind legs?

Sparky

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

As I moved my hand up her leg I said, "Baby, your legs are the sauce. I'm going to name them Sweet and Sour."

And then I discovered they came with McNuggets.

What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?

The control group.

Why did the Alaskan man name his dog Frost?

Because Frost bites.

Say this hockey team name 5x FAST: Black Hawks

Bbc

What is the best name for a female master thief?

Miss Take

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that the medical name for Viagra is...

Mycoxaflopin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her parents.

This is a German joke, but I think I found a way to translate it:

A girl wants to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents.
He knocks on the door and the parents together open the door and introduce themselves: "Hi, my name is Sarah and this is my husband Michael, nice to meet you!".
...

Name’s Juan

Names Juan. A few years ago I’d been living with my girlfriend in her apartment. I’ve been into video games since I was a kid and never took a real interest in learning practical things like how to hit a nail with a hammer. Girlfriend and I met in college and since graduating and moving in together ...

What are the names of Dwayne Johnson’s sisters?

The Rockettes.

What’s the worst sports team name for a Catholic high school?

The Predators

Yoda's last name

Not many people know this, but Yoda has a last name. It's Lay Hee Hoo.

A husband and wife give up their identical twin boys for adoption. They name one of them Juan and the other Amol

Years later the wife receives a letter from Juan reaching out to her, he included a picture. Elated she showed her husband who was excited to see his son doing so well in life.. weeks later they receive a letter from Amol telling them how well he is doing and also included a picture. Wife asks hubb...

Margaret Thatcher in Heaven

Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly gates, where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard. "Name," says St. Peter.

"Margaret Thatcher," she replies.

St. Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the name o...

I have a pet newt that I named tiny. My friend asked me why tiny.

I told him it was because he was my newt.

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I was helping a customer fill out some paperwork and he told me he didn't know his first name.

He said his whole life people just called him by his last name, "Johnson." He thought hard for a moment, then suddenly perked up. "Oh! You know what, I think it might be 'Fuckoff," he said. I raised an eyebrow at him. "Fuckoff?" He nodded. "Yeah, back in school I would approach the other kids and sa...

What was the name of that very calm Russian tennis player?

Oh yeah, I got it - Panikova!

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A band teacher is giving a quiz to her class where you have to guess the name of a famous song based on a clue.

She starts with the easy clues: "Comedian".

"The Entertainer!" one of the flute players says immediately.

Then the teacher goes to a slightly more difficult clue: "Metal container is able to".

"The Cancan!" a saxophone player responds instantly.

Pleased with the results s...

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A long, long time ago, a boy asks his father how we acquire our names.

The father replies "Well some people are named after what they do. John Butcher is a butcher, Michael Baker is a baker. Now, me, I do many things around town for many people. I help the wood workers, but they don't call me Bill Carpenter, do they? No. I help on the wheat fields, but they don't call ...

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My dogs name is minton and today he ate my wife's shuttlecock and racquet while she was at work.

Bad Minton..

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Hello, my name is Umberto ...

One day the doorbell rang at Mr. Smith‘s house. He opened the door and found a young Italian man standing there, who greeted him nicely:

"Hello, my name is Umberto, I just moved here from Italy and I‘m very horny. Since I haven‘t been with a woman for several weeks, I‘m here to fuck your...

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What is the generic brand name for Viagra?

Mycoxarisin

What's In a Name?

A man sees a nice-looking girl in a bar, so he goes up and starts small talk. Since she seems receptive, he asks her name. "Carmen," she replies. "That's a nice name," he says, warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answers. "Oh, that's interesting. Why ...

When Marvel named a movie after Chadwick Boseman's wife, they crossed the line

Seriously? Black Widow? Show some respect!

What did the drummer name his twin daughters?

Anna 1 , Anna 2

"Invent a clever line, and forever your name lives on."

*(-Anonymous)*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is The Weeknd's real name?

Saturday Sunday

Isn’t it funny when atheists name their child Christian…

I would’ve thought Godfrey would be more fitting

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is

You name it

Patient : What happened to me Doctor.

Doctor : You are diagnosed with a rare disease.

Patient : How rare?

Doctor : You Name It

Expectant mothers of Reddit, name your child Gotham.

Then when they wake up at 3am you can roll to your Husband or Partner and say ‘Gotham needs you!’ and they will get up.

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I said to a blonde girl, I bet you a blowjob I can sing a song with your name in it, no way says the blonde my name is Chantelle, so I bet you, Ok I said here we go....

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Chantelle happy blow job for me...

LifeProTip: Change your legal name to "Probably Fraud" with your phone company.

That way you can call anyone you want and just leave a message without any risk that they would actually pick up the phone.

What did the fisherman name his daughter?

Annette

What's the alternative name for Fake Taxi??

Screw Driver

Why do Polish names end in "ski"?

Because they can't spell 'toboggan'.

Mama, how did I get my name?

(USA-centric)

"Mama, how did I get my name?"

"Why do you need to know, Loquinda?"

"It's for my homework."

"Well, I was staying at a LaQuinta Inn the night you were conceived. So I just rearranged the letters a bit to make a pretty name."

"Oh. That's cool. How did m...

I wrote the names of everyone I have unfriended onto a piece of paper, but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

what did the racist pirate name his bar?

The hard Arr

Somebody asked me to name two structures that hold water.

I was like well damn.

At my school there’s a rapper named MC Squared

The science teacher just calls him E

A guy named Ryan Edit won first place in a marathon.

Race director: Here you go, these are for you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl named Rachel, but she turned out to be a nasty bitch. As a result, I now refuse to associate with women named Rachel

Then again, I could just be Rachel profiling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man tattooed his wife's name on his penis to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary

When he got home, he said "Honey, I tattooed your name on my wiener to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary!"

His wife got extremely angry and said "I know what you're trying to do! You're trying to put words in my mouth!"

A buddy of mine named is dog "5 miles"

Just to say he walked 5 miles.

But today he ran over 5 miles.

A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

What do you name an American, Communist Pirate Ship?

The U.S.S. ARRRGH

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time, he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy, they were going to name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for...

Teacher: Name 2 pronouns

Student: Who, me?

(And that's it!)

Ive forgotten the names of all the characters in the book The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

But Quasimodo rings a bell.

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spent...

Washington DC should name their football team the Lobbyists.

They never lose.

Comparing Texas lawmakers with the Taliban seems a little extreme.

One is authoritarian theocracy armed by US weapons manufacturers that violently persecutes women and children in the name of religion and the other is the Taliban.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

If your wife ever asks you which of her friends you want to have a threesome with,....

Do not give two names!

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

What did the Mountaineer name his son?

Cliff

A man named Bart walks into a bar

The bartender shoots him immediately

My mom always wanted to name her kids with the 4 same letters. There's my two sisters Lana and Nala, and then there's me...

Alan.

I named my hammer Thor

Because after swinging it all day my arm is thor.


I tried to post a pic of it as part of this, but there was no option for that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke I’ve ever read on Reddit, one of the first I’ve ever read here too: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Wallsend was named because the Roman wall ended there and Newcastle because a castle was built there!

How did Cockermouth get its name?

My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards..

And i asked Y not...?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OnlyFans just announced that they will be getting rid of all porn on their platform on October 1st…

On October 2nd they will announce that they’ll be changing their name to “NoMore Fans”

A boy asked his father "Why is my sister named Theresa?" "Because your mother loves Easter and Theresa is an anagram." "Thanks dad."

"Your welcome Alan."

Name the worst two-wheel drive in Texas

Govenor Abbot

On a date

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

"You know, a lot of people don't know this. "Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome," and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding."" - Natasha Leggero

"You know, a lot of people don't know this. "Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome," and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding."" - Natasha Leggero

If my name was David and I had a boy, I would have to name him Harley.

That way he could introduce himself, I’m Harley, David’s son.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I named my penis "matters"

So when my girlfriend breaks up with me I can take matters into my own hands.

There once was a soldier who's name was Dave

His men thought for sure he was very brave.

Dave's own platoon got ambushed once at war.

It was up to him to even the score.



One of his comrades gave out a wave

To signal some help from his great friend Dave.

A soldier got hit by a close grenade.

He ...

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Sigmund had just been named the new head psychiatrist at a mental hospital. (Long)

He decided to make the rounds of the ward and introduce himself to the patients. In the first hospital room he met Patient #1, who seemed to be playing an imaginary game of baseball

Dr. Sigmund asked, "Tell me, why were you placed in this hospital?"

"They're all jealous of me!" said P...

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant. A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away. The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. ...

What's the news reporter's name?

Just-in

I was named after my older brother

And before my younger brother

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What's an alternative name for Cock And Ball Torture ?

Crack 'N' Jack

Why was her name Jessica Rabbit?

Because of the RED HARE!

A young adult named Bob enters a confessional

Bob: “Forgive me father, for I have sined.”

Priest: “It’s pronounced ‘sinned’, but that’s unimportant, what have you done?”

Bob: “I divided the opposite side by the Hypotenuse on a right triangle”

what's the name of those people who are frequently around musicians??

drummers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Baby name

A gal asks her mother for advice on how to get her boyfriend to propose. Her mom suggests not asking directly, but instead asking what he would name their baby, if they had one.

So, after sex one night, she asks her boyfriend, “If we had a son, what would we name him?”

Her boyfriend t...

I have a dog and his name is Libido.

Them: I thought you said earlier that you don’t have a dog.
Me: ::sigh:: Exactly.

There was an FBI agent named Craig.

Craig's job was checking furniture that people sell online to see if there's nothing illegal in it.

However, Craig had a weird habit - instead of tracking all illegal items, he had a document with every single legal piece of furniture that people sold, and he was removing items from there if ...

Albert Einstein had a brother named Frank.

But he was a real monster.

I heard they are changing the name of Rymans in the North East of England.

Its now going to be referred to as Ry-aye mans.

My wife and I were having an argument the other day. She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.

A Few Hours Later At Work, I Felt Terrible About What I Had Said, So I Called Her To Apologize And I Asked Her, "What Are You Doing?"
And She Said, "I'm In Bed."

So I Said, "What Are You Doing This Late In Bed?"
And She Said, "I am doing a survey!"

My name's Justin

Boy : My name's Justin

Girl : Did I ask?

Boy : Justin Case

I'm making a plan to write all of my friends' names in alphabetical order...

I have a social list agenda.

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

There was a man once who was named "Odd"

He hated his name because he was bullied due to his name in School. His whole life he had to endure people making fun out of him. When he was old and on his death bed, he told his children that his headstone should not have his name and should be blank. After he died, his children fulfilled his wish...

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