UPJOKE
refernicknamestreet namecalltitleappointcitesurnamerenamelistconstituteepithetidentifynominatebring up

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

I named my dog “5 miles.” So that I could frequently say,

.....“I am going to walk 5 miles now”

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to ration...

I think the reason that schools are so dangerous is because of the name "School"

If we renamed all education centres as "Uterus" then republicans might actually care about what's inside them.

What's a better name for a brothel?

The Quicky-Mart

BREAKING NEWS from the courtroom! Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name.

Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

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Another name for children

Cumsequences

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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see yo...

Why are there no bridges named after Chuck Norris?

Nobody crosses Chuck Norris.

I'm a new person. I've changed my name and became a vegetarian .

I'm still getting used to it, I wasn't a herb before.

The best method of passive aggressiveness is simply to include the person's name at the end of your sentence,

Kathy.

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A boy asks his mother, "Mommy, why is my cousin named Barry?"

"Well," says the mother, "your aunt Linda named her son Barry because she likes to eat berries."

"I see," says the boy. "And why is my other cousin named Stu?"

"Well", replies the mother, "you aunt Molly named her son Stu because she likes to eat stew."

"Very interesting. Why is...

There's a name for a group of racist birds

It's called the Coo Clucks Clan

My son asked, "What's God's name?" I replied, "Howard." Frowning, he said, "How do you know His name's Howard?" I smiled, "Well, people always say..."

"Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

If I ever have twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate..

....and the second one Duplikate.

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what's another name for chicken testicles?

A fowl ball

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There was once a Japanese man named Fuk

Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.

Tragedy struck however, upon finis...

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[NSFW] My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

I asked him if his girlfriends name was also Wendy.

He said ‘No....

Collecting Name Jokes

I know there are a whole bunch of these but I only remember a few, please post any you think of!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your pool? Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs...

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69 is no longer the name for that sexual position.

The cost of eating out went up, it’s now called 88.

Inspired by the Egyptian goddess of motherhood, I announced that I would name my unborn daughter Isis.

People lost their heads.

What would be the worst Russian-American name to have?

Jack Meioff

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down ...

Myself & a bunch of guy friends tried to go to the new strip club named “The G Spot”…

We couldn’t find it.

I heard the Prime Minister of Canada's middle name is Kaesits.

I can't verify this, but I'm still sharing it Justin Kaesits Trudeau.

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace

Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and l...

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What can be an alternate name for porn movies

Sinema.

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A recently widowed Jewish lady named Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book..

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you." he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year." he replied and again tur...

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Names usually come from an occupation of a distant ancestor. Smith comes from blacksmithing. Lyman comes from farming Lye. Miller comes from a guy who works at a mill.

So what the fuck is up with Dickinson?!

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I named my penis Chance.

Because I believe every woman deserves at least half a Chance.

An Undertaker named Bob

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. He wife asked him, "What happened to you?"

"I've had a terrible day!" says Bob. I had to go to a hotel, where a guest had died in his sleep! When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag, because he had a huge...

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Why do men name their penises?

We want to be on a first name basis with the one who makes all our decisions for us

What was the original name for a trampoline?

It was called a jumpoline until your mom used it.

A famous Vietnamese chef named Quan Si Ho was opening a restaurant, but couldn’t decide what to name it.

His brother Bao Ho told him: “It’s trendy to name restaurants after their best dish and the name of the chef.”

“Oh really?” said Quan.

“Yeah,” Bao said. “Like LB Steak, or Pizza Angelo. You could call yours ‘Ho Noodles’ or ‘Soup by Quan Si.’”

“That’s it!” said Quan. “I’ve thoug...

What is another name for a gynocoloist ?

A private investigator.

My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.

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My ex-wife had my name tattooed on her boob, but she had it removed.

I’ve been erased from her mammary.

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

I've got a horse named Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

There once was a man named Mr. Evans who pursued a law degree, even though his passion was music. All through law school, he yearned to drop out and play in a cover band, singing Beatles songs all night to a crowd of fans. Eventually, though the man became a lawyer instead.

Through the years, he became a highly esteemed practicioner of law. He rose in his practice of jurisprudence until one day he even became a county judge. He came home and told his wife that he still wasn’t satisfied. Despite everything, singing the Beatles was still his dream. She told her next door...

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Three children ask their parents how they got their names

The parents reply to the first child, “That’s east Rose, not long after you were born a rose petal fell onto your head”.

The second child butts in, “But dad where did you you get the name Daisy?”

“The same as your sister, a daisy petal fell on your head”

“Mughuahuhwawawah”
...

What is the best name for an abortion clinic?

Don’t Kid Yourself.

Now that Facebook changed their name to Meta, FAANG is not longer a valid abbreviation of the biggest 5 tech companies.

I'd like to suggest MANGA

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

[OC] Whats a mountain goats favourite name?

Cliff

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

What did the Spanish firefighter name his twin boys?

Hosea and Hose-B

23% of the crew aboard Christopher Columbus’ ship Santa Maria were named Juan

That’s almost a three to Juan ratio.

Thinking of changing my name to “Authorized Personnel”

Imagine the places I could go with a name like that.

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

What did a Redneck name his son that was born premsture?

Earl Lee.............*premature,

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the ...

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained...

“Because...he’s my newt!"

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A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests there, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

So she approached him, smiled and said politely, "Hello, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name", he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No", she replied, "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I choose Ca...

I want to name my kid History

Then I will teach them to say every sentence twice.
When other people get confused, they will come and ask me why my child is saying everything twice.
I'll answer, "You know, because History always repeats itself."

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

Me: The earth isn’t flat!

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an Italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

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The founding fathers were having a discussion about the originations of their last names

"I wonder if someone in my family ran a laundry business" mused George Washington, "that may be the reason"

"I suppose mine is more boring, at some point there must have been a Jeffer son", said Thomas Jefferson.

"I don't like this game", said John Hancock

I just changed my name and cut my hair!

I am no longer Harry

Why do hurricanes get such boring names, like Sandy?

Name that thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee people will be evacuating like rats.

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Onomastics is the study of last names, and the connection to their thing. Like how Smith's used to be makers, or Gardners used to care for plants and vegetables, or Yorks come from the town of Yorke....

I don't think I want to know what the backstory is for the Dickensons...

A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans

The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”

The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”

Why was the band named "Books"

So no one would judge them by their covers

A rooster smokes marijuana and walks in a circle. What is the name for the ratio of the circumference of that circle to its diameter?

Chicken pot pi

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“Good morning Sir, what’s your name?” “M...M...M...Michael...”

"Oh, I see, you are a stammerer, I am sorry for that!"

"Well no, actually my father was... but the registry office guy was a son of a bitch"

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A man decided to tattoo his wife's name on his penis before going to their honeymoon

When erect it proudly reads *Wendy* on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows *Wy*.

While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a *Wy* on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy.
...

Two prawns, named Christian and Terry are off on their morning swim.

Soon they discover a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wish ...

What I Yoda’s Last Name?

It’s “Lei he hoogh”

YODA LEI HEE HOOGH

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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by
the People, for...

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A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks him "What is the name of your penis?"

The customer says "I'm not like that, man. I just want a drink". The bartender says "I can't serve you until I hear a name for your penis. For example, mine is Nike, for the slogan just do it. I'll come back in a couple minutes". The man thinks, and turns to the man on his left. He asks "What's the ...

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* sh...

What do you call a guy named James who smokes e-cigs and works at a prison?

Jim the Juul Man Jailor

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“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

What was the name of that Pixar movie where a non-human duo is forced to go on an adventure after the Status Quo gets threatened?

Google: "Could you be more specific?"

A farmer had three daughters

And they all three had dates planned for this evening. The farmer got his shotgun out to clean as well for added intimidation for the gentlemen callers.
At 5PM there was a knock on the door, so the farmer answered it with his shotgun in tow.

A young man was standing in the stoop, and said,...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my constant celebrity name dropping...

David Beckham warned me that this might happen.

Extra seats

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”

The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becoming impatient with the man, ...

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[Long] There was a man named Joe, a carpenter who made incredible furniture

He lived in a small city, but it was always full of people trying to buy furniture from Joe's store, Arge Oaks. Every Saturday Joe would go out into the forest to cut wood for his furniture. One Saturday Joe decided to go further out into the forest, in order to see the older and larger trees. He ca...

“Trojan” isn’t a good name for a condom.

Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?

Hi, my name is Bob, and I’m an alcoholic

“Sir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous”

“I know, I’m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.”

Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order

They will now be known as Knockers

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

I asked my grandpa: “ after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name five years ago and I’m scared to ask her."

There was a snail named Sam

He was friends with a worm named Juan.
One day, he told Juan,” You know, I’m gonna buy myself a nice sports car, with an S on the hood, for Sam!”

“No way, you can’t afford that!” Juan said.

That afternoon, Juan couldn’t believe his eyes! Driving down the boulevard was Sam in his swe...

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what were the three rejected names for condoms

The jizz mittens,cum kuisi,and the kidnappers

The rapper 50 Cent is known by many names

For instance, in Russia they call him 1352 Ruble

**Edit:** Make that 1459 Ruble

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Metamucil changes its name to Facebookmucil

CEO admits the move was difficult, since both firms deliver crap.

Someone Named Their Baby Ocean

No, it's not that deep

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day.

He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in hono...

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I...

What is the most common middle name?

Its Y.

If you don't trust me, verify by asking 10 random people around you.

A guy named Bob dies and goes to hell

Before him stands the Devil.

"Hello, Bob. Welcome to Hell" the Devil says. "Now there are seven levels of hell and since your only sin was cheating on a science test in third grade, you'll be moved to level 1"

"Okay, that doesn't sound so bad" Says Bob

"Level 1 is the hottest...

What was the name of the king’s extra knight?

Sir Plus

I had an old dog named Cigarette.

Poor thing didn't have any legs, so every night I'd take him out for a drag.

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Three attractive women are on a plane together: an Scottish woman named Nessa, a Latina named Rosita, and a black woman named Ladonna.

The plane is flying over the ocean when it suddenly crashes and falls into the ocean. The three women climb onto a floatation device.

Nessa takes off her clothes and puts on a green bikini from her carry-on bag. "I'm wearing my green bikini because it contrasts with the red of my hair, and we...

Everywhere in the auld country, tales were told of a man named Happy.

Happy wasn’t just a happy-go-lucky kind of fella, he was also the nicest guy you ever would meet. He was polite to everyone. Helped the Shaughnessy twins run their farm after their pa died. Cleared the sidewalks of snow in front of the doctor’s office. Bought Old Lady MacGregor’s cookies when she wa...

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He resp...

In the original version of Cinderella, that wasn't her real name, just a nickname she got because she always slept by the fireplace and got covered in cinders.

Really makes you wonder about the person who invented Nutella.

My husband told me I could choose the name he'd paint on the back of his new boat with the condition it be nautical themed. So I named it...

For Sail.

Did you hear the name of Putin's new military policy?

Donetsk, don't tell.

My pal called me and told me he's changing his name to Spinal Column.

I said, "I'll call you back !!"

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A Red Indian with one testicle named Onestone

There once was a Red Indian who had only
one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me 'Onestone' again I will kill them!'
The...

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Due to inflation, the rapper Chamillionaire is changing his name to ChaMiddleClass.

2 Chainz also announced that he’s changing his name, due to supply chain issues

My husband just told me I should name my next dog Peeve.

So I can tell everyone, “This is my pet peeve.”

So i asked a ouija board for the name of my future wife

Wtf kinda name is hahaha

The New Secretary

The CEO of a large company was in need of a secretary. He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he though...

What was the Vegan Metal Bands name?

Plantera

My wife asked me to name Meatloaf’s top 3 songs… I named “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” and “I’d do anything for love”… but then couldn’t come up with another one.

But hey, two out of three ain’t bad.

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther ...

I met this GORGEOUS girl named Christine at the bar.

she was SO hot, easily 10/10. I could not resist her attractiveness, so I decided to talk to her.

Her name was Christine, I told her that I find her VERY attractive.

I asked her if she is single, she said: Yes.

I was SUPER happy about that, and I was SO nervous, but I told mysel...

Sometimes people are surprised how I’m named after my dad…

Sometimes people are surprised how I’m named after my dad, but, how would I have been named before him?

A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..

After much argument they decided on the name.


Ravi O'Lee

Whoever came up with the name “testes” missed a great opportunity

Considering that women have ovaries, they definitely should have been called underies

What’s another name for a gynecologist’s practice?

A box office.

“Bless me father

for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find ou...

Why are most hurricanes named after women?

Answer: Because when they come they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

What is Kim Jong Un’s rapper name?

Run-D.M.Z.

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As someone named Richard, I'm tired of people calling me Dick

From now on, call me Peter

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My sister and girlfriend have the same name

I think its a bit disgusting when everytime we have sex I think about my girlfriend

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

To what would you change the name of a kid named Hunter if he becomes a vegetarian?

….Gatherer

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