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A guy named John Asshole goes to the courthouse change his name

The judge asks him: "What's your name?"

John was a ashamed of saying it out loud so he wrote his name down and passed it to the judge

The judge holds his laugh and asks him "Well, obviously your name must be changed. What name do you prefer to be called from now on, sir?"

"Mark ...

Death comes to collect a man’s soul.

When he gets to the man’s home, he sees the man and his family are in the middle of party. Death tells the man why he has come.

The man begs death to spare him but death insists that he must start at the top of his list and his name is first.

The man sadly agrees but asks death if he...

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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"


She tu...

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I just learned the medical name for Viagra.

Mycoxaflopin

To people who purposely mispronounce people's names for attention, stop it.

You're making a Sean.

You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.

You have died from dissin' Terry.

Three children named Feather, Droplet, and Brick went to their mother to ask why they were named so.

Feather went to his mother and asked,"Mother, why is my name Feather?" And the mother replied,"because when you were born, a feather fell on your forehead." Satisfied, Feather went away.

After Feather, Droplet went to his mother and asked,"Mother, why is my name Droplet?" And the mother repli...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

I called a dwarf by the wrong name.

He wasn't Happy.

What is another name for an Asian assassin?

Chinese takeout

Cardi B has a sister that sells used cars

Her name is Cardi Lership

“Mommy, why did you name me rose?”

“Because when you were born and we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head. So we names you rose.”

“Is that why little brother is named leaf?”

“Yes, it is”

“Blaaaarghhhh-ddsdbbbb-beeebbbleeee”

“Shut up brick”

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They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what exactly did the Dickinsons do?

My friend asked me if I could name two different structures that hold water.

I said, "Well, dam..."

“What’s your name?" asked a policeman when he stopped me.



"Bartholomew." I said.



"And your last name?" he continued.



"It's always been Bartholomew." I said.

"Dad why did you and mom name my sister Rose?"

Dad: "because your mother loves Roses"

Son: "oh, ok, thanks Dad"

Dad: "No problem Costco Hotdog"

If you have a child, you can name them “one million subscribers on YouTube”

Then you can tell people you hit one million subscribers on YouTube

A Priest & A Little Boy...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her n...

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Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?

Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

##

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were o...

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To propose to his girlfriend Wendy, Bill tattooed her name on his...

Penis. Unfortunately, when he was soft, only the 'W' and 'Y' were visible. Nonetheless, the proposal went well when he whipped it out for her, and Wendy accepted happily.

Not long after the proposal, they married and went on a Jamaican honeymoon. At the airport, Bill had to stop and take ...

What’s the name of the Frozen/Marvel Universe crossover movie?

Thaw

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Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

Can you tell me another name for a ninja star?

Sure I can.

I decided to name the spider I found in my room, cotton eye Joe, based on two reasons:

1. Where did you come from
2. Where did you go

-Dad? Why is my sister's name Rose?

\-Because your mother loves roses.

\-Thanks dad

\-No problem Richard

What's the name of an Asian photographer?

Phil Ming

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A guy named John Hitler was tired of people bullying him for his name so he went to the federal court and changed it hoping the harassments would stop.

But Peter Hitler is still getting bullied to this day.

What would be the best name for a sitcom set in Afghanistan?

Minefeld.

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3 couples die and go to heaven. St Peter is at the gate. He is asking each couple for their names ...

“Bill and Penny” The first couple say.
“I’m sorry but I cannot let anyone in who has a name associated with money” St Peter tells them.
“Jack and Brandy” The second couple say.
“I’m sorry but I cannot let anyone in who has a name associated with alcohol” St Peter tells them.
“Hey Fanny, ...

Teacher: Name something beginning with E that you are not very good at.

Student: Spelling!

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The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

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Hi, my name is Richard...

..but I go by Penis.

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How to name your children

Child 1: Daddy why did you name me Rose?

Dad: When you were a baby a rose fell on your head.

Child 2: Daddy why did you name me Daisy?

Dad: When you were a baby a daisy fell on your head.

Child 3: uajkjoeijafdsklJ!!!jakfajdfklfjdakfldjfkl?!JJkjkaldjfdkfjadkflj!!!!aiueriqp...

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
...

What did the triceratops name her Blouse Making business?

Try Sarah's Tops

Me: You know, sometimes abbreviating names can be confusing.

GF: You think so?

Me: Definitely.

George Foreman: That’s interesting.

A farmer has three daughters that are all going on their first dates...

The farmer decides to greet the suitors at the door with his shot gun. Around 5 the first boy arrives and rings the doorbell. “My names Joe, I’m here for flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?”

The farmer thought he was alright, so off they went to their date.

Shortly afte...

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used that to roll up his joint.

He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

I'm going to make a movie about a teenage boy and his journey to becoming an Olympic swimmer. I'm going to name it...

Wet Dreams

So I went to a super rich hotel and apparently they have code names for everything...

So I asked for an extra pillow and got a prositute

Now I have two prositutes and not enough pillows

All the sandwiches in the fridge at work have names on..

Today I ate a sandwich called Kevin.

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My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister

It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.

If Greta Thunberg could rearrange letters in her name

That would be great

What did Tarzan and Jane name their son?

Tarson

My friend Jay had twin girls recently and he wanted to name them after him...

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff!

What could have been the best name for diarrhea medicine?

Gonorrhea (Gone-o-rrhea)

When Microsoft was casting for names to its search engine, it wanted something short that can't be misspelled. Chief marketing strategist first thought "Bang" would be the answer.

It almost fit all the criteria, except when used as a verb.

Most people don't want to say "I Banged Obama's dog" or "I Banged Donald Trump last night".

How did Canada get it’s name?

Their founders put a bunch of letters in a hat and pulled them out:

“C” eh, “N” eh, “D” eh.

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Kris Kristofferson must of been thankful his parents didn't name him Jack.

Jack Jackofferson would of been an awkward name to have growing up

What is another name for your prostate exam?

Anal-aysis

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

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A young First Nations boy goes to his father to ask how he got his name.

The wise father tells his son that it is the custom of their people to name their children for what they see in nature immediately after birth.

The father says, “when your sister was born we saw a deer running through the forest and so we named her Running Deer. And when your brother was bo...

When I was 15yo, I had met a couple by the name of John and Jane Doe and I thought that was the wildest coincidence ever.

Cut to a few months ago, I'm now 35 and I'm thinking about John and Jane Doe.

And I'm like, I bet they were lying to me about that.

Hey is your name Waluigi?

Cuz u aren't going to smash

What's another name for a double barreled shotgun?

A parachute

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"Chief, can I ask you something? How do you name these children?"

And the Indian chief says,

"It's very simple. When a child is born, and I see snow gently falling I say, you shall be called
Snow Gently Falling. And when a child is born
and I see a hawk flying over... I say, you shall be named Hawk Flying Over.
But tell me, Two Dogs Fucking,
why...

Why did the dad name his son excaliber?

He couldnt pull it out.

What do you name a freshly disinterred corpse?

Doug.

And what do you call him when you put him back?

Barry.

Is your name Area Fifty-One?

Because I wanna storm your private areas

What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?

A new last name.

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My dog's name is Minton...

Today he ate all my shuttlecocks

Bad Minton!

Me: That’s a cute dog you got there. Whats her name?

Cop: Diesel, she sniffs out drugs

Me: Still in training?

Cop: What?

Me: What?

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Nasa scientists became fed up of jokes on Uranus and decided to change it's name

It's now called Urrectum

"My biggest worry is that nobody will remember my name when I am gone."

~~ Some Dead Guy

Guess what the name of my new computer processor is.

Chip

Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?

Only people in the Woods’

When can a man and a woman have the same last name?

Teenagers: brother and sister

Adults: husband and wife

Alabama: yes

This whole time yoda has never revealed his last name. but I just found out

Layheehoo

Recent studies have shown that first names have a significant impact on pregnancy rates.

For example someone called Mary is much more likely to get pregnant than someone called Tom.

The kids tried to name the pet fish

But they were far too literal with names like "fishy" and "flipper".

I wonder where Little Human and Naked Baby get that from.

George W Bush was asked what the "W" in his name stood for

He said "honesty"

Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”

Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!”

Teacher : “Okay what else?”

My Son, Luke, Loves How I Name My Kids After Star Wars Characters

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much

What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?

Billie jeans

My brother in law’s name is Jim Titleist

Perhaps you’ve played with his balls

What is the name of the Mexican that recently lost his car?

Carlos.

I met a Jewish girl today , and she asked for my number

I told her we use names here.

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What is the name of a mime that pretends to have sex?

Elisocray.

What did the Italian farmer name his fascist cow?

Moo-ssolini

If a rhino and a elephant had a baby, what would you name it?

Helliphino



[hell-if-I-know]

Colleague and I were discussing African country names and mentioned how Ghana sounds like a STD

He then said: only if you travel from Ghana-Rio. I lost it and coffee came out of my nose

In the wake of Hurricane Dorian, President Trump names a new Disaster Assistance Ambassador to The Bahamas. "He's the best. He'll do a great job, believe me." the President said.

Ja Rule reportedly accepted the position via Twitter.

What’s another name for an eye dropper?

A bad ophthalmologist.

I changed the name of my john to "Jim..."

So when I tell people I got up early and went to the...goddammit, nevermind.

The kids with special names

The oldest kid asked her mother. “Mom, why did you name me Feather?”

Mom: “I named you Feather because when you were a newborn a feather landed on your head”

The second oldest kid named Leaf asked the same.

Mom: “I named you Leaf because when you were a newborn a leaf landed on...

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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick

Mostly because his name is Steve

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding...

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A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis

Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.

Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W...

Name a Baseball team "Wyoming Pigeons"

Because they are good at getting home, that's why.

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Reporters Interview Gone Wrong!!!

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy...

If our last names came from the jobs of our ancestors...

Then I feel really bad for the boys of the "Dickinson" family tree.

Did you hear? The Washington Redskins have to change their name

the term Washington is too offensive.

Two scientists are talking about what scientific name they should give a species they found

Scientist 1:how about this *slams hand on keyboard*


Scientist 2:too short let me try *slams head on keyboard multiple times*


Scientist 1:perfect

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Me: I have a fear of abbreviated US state names

Therapist: OH, OK

LPT: Forgot the name of a song but know the tune?

Just upload a video of you humming it onto YouTube and you'll immediately get a copyright claim stating the name of the song!

A surgeon was getting ready to operate on a patient. "David," he said, "don't worry. Remain calm. This is just a minor surgery." The patient replied, "my name is not David."

"I know," the surgeon said. "My name is David."

What’s a good name for a detective?

Mr. E

* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

(OC) I saved up my money for years and finally bought a race horse. I wanted him to have a name befitting a champion. So I named him cancer.

Because cancer always wins.

What is the name of the Soviet flag carrier airline?

USSAir

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

"Because…He’s my newt.

A girl says, my name's daisy because a daisy fell on my head when I was born.

A boy says, my name's apple because an apple fell on my head when I was born.

Another boy just mumbles something inaudible.

And they both say, shut up cinderblock.

What was the name of the lawyer with one leg?

Peggy Sue

What's the name of the type of force that holds a baby in the mother's womb?

Centrifetal

If there's one thing the moon landing did it made household names out of 3 incredible, brave men

Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and...the other guy.

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Bedbugs got their name from being found in our beds.

Cockroaches

I give my GF´s legs names

So it´s easier for me to keep them apart

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Engineer 1: we need a name for the front of the plane where the pilots sit

Engineer 2: dickhole

Engineer 1: almost

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

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