I was born male and I identify as male, yet...

... according to Tesco's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four!

I’m fat but I self identify as thin.

I’m trans slender

I identify as an ambulance

My pronouns are wee/woo

What did Shakespeare say when he couldn't identify the pencil?

2B or not 2B

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. ...

Can some please explain to me what it means to identify as queer

Because looked it up and there were no straight answers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a spaghetti.

Straight until wet.

I identify as an IOS update...

No-one likes me, I'm useless and I steal your personal data.

What do computers identify as?

Binary

What pronouns does a Chicagoan use to identify as non-binary?

Dey or dem

I Identify as Italy in the 1600’s

Baroque

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

How do you identify an anti-vaccine among 100 persons?

Natural selection

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I sexually identify as chocolate

My pronouns are Her-She

What do you call bread that doesn’t identify as male or female?

Naan-binary.

The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...

It'll be known as the National Elf Service.

How do you identify a Christian extremist YouTube video without watching it?

It has 665 likes.

I identify as binary...

Please refer to me as 01001000 01100101

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A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He lean...

What does Iron Man Identify as?

A FE Male

I identify as an elongated fish...

People say im mentally eel

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

How do Chameleons identify their friends in the wild?

By recognizing which one's stick with them even through the hard times.

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

An Afghan escaping from Taliban walks in through the Pakistani border...

He is immediately stopped by Paxtani border patrol agents and asked to identify himself. He stops and says he's the Minister of Ports & Shipping of Afghanistan.

Paxtani border officer: "But there is no sea in Afghanistan. How can you be the Minister of Ports & Shipping?"

Afghan...

I'm in big trouble with my wife. We were in bed and she asked, what I'd like to do most with her body?

Apparently, "Identify it." wasn't the right answer!!

I think I identify as a church roof.

I'm beginning to tran-spire

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I sexually identify as a vacuum

Because my life sucks

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

If you want to learn constellations, you should learn how to identify Ursa Minor...

- at a bear minimum

Two doctors were at the subway station, heading for another work day

When they noticed an old man hunching and limping around.

— Poor guy - says one doctor — Yet another victim of sclerosis.

— Sclerosis? - asks the other one — I don't think so. That's clearly rheumatism.

— You can't be serious - replies the first one — How are you even a doctor i...

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I sexually identify as a Lootbox

I won’t tell you what I’m hiding, it costs too much to open me up, and once you do it’s probably not going to be what you want

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In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's de...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people identify as non-binary?

Otherwise it's just fucking 1's and 0's.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

The police asked me if I could identify the man from the lineup, so I looked at them one by one.

"Yes," I said, "they're all men."

If you're trying to identify the blind guy at the nudist colony,

it's not hard.

I don’t care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman,

but April identifying as January is crossing the line.

Sometimes a person is born male, but later transitions to being a woman.

If that person then decides they actually do identify as a man, does that make them a transformer?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on "How to identify if a guy is gay".

Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.

Why does the chocolateer identify as female?

Her/she

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

How do you identify a fighter pilot at a bar?

You don't, he'll come up and tell you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I’m done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

The royal calligrapher's apprentice.

In the late 1400s there was a young man named Pablo. He was apprenticed to the royal calligrapher for the king of Spain. One day the royal calligrapher gathered his apprentices for a lesson.

"Any letter penned for his majesty must be penned with Ink made here in Spain! It would be a trav...

When I moved to a new state I decided to start identifying as a flower.

I'm a transplant.

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I sexually identify as a toaster

You put bread in me and it comes out brown.

Hens were often used in the Revolutionary War to identify colonists that were loyal to the Crown.

You never learned about chicken-catch-a-Tory?

Why are birds so hard to identify?

Because they are always in da sky’s.

reCAPTCHA asked me to identify pictures of tractors.

That's really not my field.

Why are redneck murder victims the hardest to identify?

Because there are never any dental records

They found a new symptom that can identify Coronavirus.

The sudden urge to travel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a female

I keep trying to convince my family that Im not a guy, but alas

How does a robot identify?

It doesnt its non-binary...well technically it is but...nevermind

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?”

pulls out mirror and say: "Yes, it's me.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man walks into a lumberyard and asks for a job.

The manager looks at him and says, "what job could I possibly give you that you could do?"

The blind man says, "I can identify any wood by smell."

So, the manager decides to test him. He holds up a board up under the blind man's nose. The blind man takes one whiff and says, "Cherry. D...

If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadi...

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I sexually identify as a Witch Doctor...

I'll take a little head from anyone.

I just lost a lot of money to a con-artist

He had this great pitch about investing in an innovative company that could identify male sheep by their urine. Turns out it was a pee-ram-id scheme.

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

What did the Italian marine biologist say when asked to identify an eel?

That's a moray!



I'll see myself out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist tells me that I have difficulty identifying my emotions.

Not quite sure how to feel about that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as drywall

I love getting plastered!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a brick.

I'm always hard and I've only been laid once.

Today, I identify as a Giant.

My pronouns are fee, fo, fi, and fum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A NSFW joke I tried to translate from Turkish

A group of bandits raided a village. They said to the women of the village; "To save the life of your family, you have to identify your husband by sucking his dick."

They blindfolded women and lined up the men of the village in a mixed order, and a few of the bandits became involved.

T...

I identify as Giantkin.

My pronouns are Phe/Phi/Pho/Phum and i'd like you to respect them please.

Reddit asked me to prove I'm human by identifying fire hydrants.

Joke's on them, I'm a dog and that was easy.

So if someone decides to identify as a monk...

Does this mean they’re *transcendent?*

Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds

Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: Yup, they're all birds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I identify as a tri-sexual...

I try to have sex, but I fail.

Why do introverts identify so much with Thor's brother?

Because he's low-key.

I am an obese man identifying as a skinny man...

I am trans-fat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jerry and Terry need to identify Pat's body in the morgue...

Pat unfortunately died in an apartment fire. His body was burnt so bad that the mortician had difficulty confirming that this body was Pat's. To solve this problem the mortician called in Jerry, one of two of Pat's close friends, to identify the body.

Jerry walks in. "Damn, he's burnt to a...

How did the mob identify the copper?

By finding a wire!

Politically correct

I identify as as a comedian
My pronouns are HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE

I personally identify as one cycle per second.

Because everything hertz.

How does NASA identify dead planets?

They look through the orbituaries.

I Identify as a chair

Why, because I have nice legs and want girls to sit on me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The children began to identify the colours by their colour:

Red -> Raspberry
Yellow -> Lemon
Green -> Lime
Orange -> Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY flavoured candy. None of them could identify the taste.

The teacher said: ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may call your father’

One l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as Counter Strike...

*And I'm globally offended*

How do you identify a joke made by a redditor?

Proceeds to write three paragraphs.

Today i asked myself the question:

Do I identify myself as a man or a woman. But then I knew after I spilled my coffee, I am just a disappointment.

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day.

As he arrived at classroom, he saw ten rods with platforms with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the bir...

I identify as a aggressive letter

I guess I'm an alpha mail.

A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself"

So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"

I have a wierd talent where i can identify what's inside a wrapped present

Its a Gift!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bubba died in a horrific accident and they were unable to reach his family to identify the body.

So they brought in his two best friends Leroy and Jimmy, as the three of them went everywhere together. When they walked into the morgue they were unable to tell for certain, as his face had been badly mangled. Leroy asks the mortician to roll him over so he can check to be sure. As soon as he ro...

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