UPJOKE
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Identify Jokes

I now identify as invisible

Although I was born visible, I am now trans-parent. My pronouns are who/where

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What would a bisexual television identify as?

Part of the LG TV OLED 4K+ community

I identify as an ambulance

My pronouns are wee/woo

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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I'm done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

I am an obese man identifying as a skinny man...

I am trans-fat.

Can some please explain to me what it means to identify as queer

Because looked it up and there were no straight answers

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i sexually identify as a donkey

my pronouns are he/haw

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I sexually identify as a brick.

I’m always hard and I’ve only ever been laid once.

I don’t care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman,

but April identifying as January is crossing the line.

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadi...

I was born male, I identify as male, but according to Sainsbury's Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding....

I'm a family of four.

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Why do people identify as non-binary?

Otherwise it's just fucking 1's and 0's.

I now identify as boring.

My preferred pronouns are ho/hum.

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Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

Officer: I need you to try and identify the body I have to warn you the body was hacked up

Civilian: Yes, that’s my bother Reese

Officer: Are you sure?

Civilian: [nodding] those are Reese’s Pieces

I told my shrink I identify as a dog

He made me get off the couch

My brother has decided to identify as thin.

He's translender.

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

How do you identify a blind man in a nudist beach?

It ain’t hard.

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"I sexually identify as The RMS Titanic"

"I must lay my Seamen to rest in a dark wet place."

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I sexually identify as a vacuum

Because my life sucks

Do you know how to identify a Dogwood tree?

The BARK!

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If your asshole hurts and doctors are unable to identify the reason, you definitely need...

An Analyst.

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

What does current AI identify as?

If/Then

I identify as a snack.

Sometimes I'm sweet, sometimes I'm salty, but I'm always delicious.

I Identify as a chair

Why, because I have nice legs and want girls to sit on me

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

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I sexually identify as a spaghetti.

Straight until wet.

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Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians

Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass off as Russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have balls of steel. Even women.

Med student was unable to identify an organ

So a viva exam was going on which the students had identify the organ shown and tell their functions.
There was this one student who was really struggling with identifying the organ that was shown to him. He was saying random organs like 'heart, kidney, liver etc'. The examiner eventually felt pi...

How does a network analyist identify them self at work?

LANyard

If I'm fat but identify as slim

Does that mean I am trans slender?

How do you identify a snitch?

There are usually some tell-tale signs.

How do you identify a female? Easy. They're the only ones that hurt you.

Male mosquitoes on the other hand are basically harmless

What did Shakespeare say when he couldn't identify the pencil?

2B or not 2B

I really identify with the trans movement...

For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!

I identify as an elongated fish...

People say im mentally eel

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I identify as a tri-sexual...

I try to have sex, but I fail.

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Learning how to identify

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer wearing a rainbow pride shirt. "I didn't realize you were gay," the bartender says. "Oh, I'm not. But I just discovered I am a part of the LGBT community and I want to show my support," the guy replies. "Since I get all my loving from prostitutes it was point...

What do computers identify as?

Binary

How do you know all suicide bombers self identify as being old?

They are all boomers in the end

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The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's de...

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My therapist told me I can't identify my own emotions.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

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Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on "How to identify if a guy is gay".

Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.

I identify as Giantkin.

My pronouns are Phe/Phi/Pho/Phum and i'd like you to respect them please.

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I sexually identify as Counter Strike...

*And I'm globally offended*

When interacting with police follow their instructions carefully

Me: [hears knock on door] "Who is it?"

Trooper: "State Police identify yourself."


Me: "Police identify yourself"

Trooper: "State Police"

Me: "Police"

How can you identify those with dirty minds?

mark the joke NSFW

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I sexually identify as a Lootbox

I won’t tell you what I’m hiding, it costs too much to open me up, and once you do it’s probably not going to be what you want

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

I Identify as Italy in the 1600’s

Baroque

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. ...

How can you identify a French Infantryman?

Sunburned armpits.

Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds

Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: Yup, they're all birds

What do you call an all male identifying, church choir?

The He/Hymns



Ba dump

I think I identify as a church roof.

I'm beginning to tran-spire

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

What does Iron Man Identify as?

A FE Male

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

Why does the chocolateer identify as female?

Her/she

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I sexually identify as a female

I keep trying to convince my family that Im not a guy, but alas

What do you call bread that doesn’t identify as male or female?

Naan-binary.

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I sexually identify as a toaster

You put bread in me and it comes out brown.

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I sexually identify as drywall

I love getting plastered!

How does a robot identify?

It doesnt its non-binary...well technically it is but...nevermind

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I sexually identify as a Witch Doctor...

I'll take a little head from anyone.

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I sexually identify as a measure of kilometers per second

Because I really want to fucking KM/S

A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself"

So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"

What pronouns does a Chicagoan use to identify as non-binary?

Dey or dem

How do you identify a fighter pilot at a bar?

You don't, he'll come up and tell you.

How does NASA identify dead planets?

They look through the orbituaries.

Why do introverts identify so much with Thor's brother?

Because he's low-key.

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Bubba died in a fire

Bubba died in a fire last night. His body was burned so badly that he couldn't be identified by most of his family.

That is, until his best friends Jim and Cletus were called. Jim and Cletus knew Bubba all his life, and they were certain they could identify Bubba for the coroner.

When ...

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Donald Trump, a Black man and a Jew are sitting in a hospital...

their wives all gave birth to healthy babies around the same time and are now resting. The three men are sitting in a room nearby when a nurse comes in and tells them there has been a mix-up, a nurse forgot to put identifying bracelets on the babies before taking them for a medical exam and now they...

How do you identify a Christian extremist YouTube video without watching it?

It has 665 likes.

How did the mob identify the copper?

By finding a wire!

I identify as a ferrari

Because I like to have two people inside of me.

The CIA can identify any house in the world using just a picture of the front door

It’s an advanced form of gate analysis

Why are redneck murder victims the hardest to identify?

Because there are never any dental records

Many of my tumblr friends identify as otherkin. Be it wolfkin, eaglekin or yes even fantasykin. I myself identify as a jedi.

So I'm forcekin.

Three men are driving in a car

One is white, one is Mexican and one is Asian. While driving they get into an accident and are rushed to the hospital.

The three men were in comas when they arrived. After being admitted the nurse found that non of the men had ID’s on them.

While thinking of what to do the doctor walks...

How does a spanish condiment identify itself?

Soy sauce

They found a new symptom that can identify Coronavirus.

The sudden urge to travel.

So if someone decides to identify as a monk...

Does this mean they’re *transcendent?*

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I sexually identify as a measurement of speed

Cuz I'm a loner and wanna km/s

I am a big guy but I identify as skinny.

I guess you could say I am trans slender.

If you want to learn constellations, you should learn how to identify Ursa Minor...

- at a bear minimum

reCAPTCHA asked me to identify pictures of tractors.

That's really not my field.

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