Im fat but i identify as skinny

Im trans-slender

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

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I sexually identify as a brick,

cuz I'm always hard and only been laid once.

My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

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I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

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Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on "How to identify if a guy is gay".

Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.

I identify as a aggressive letter

I guess I'm an alpha mail.

If I'm fat but identify as thin,

Does that mean that I'm trans slender?

I identify as Giantkin.

My pronouns are Phe/Phi/Pho/Phum and i'd like you to respect them please.

A man walks into a bar and bets drinks that while blindfolded, he can identify any animal pelt and what it was shot with just by touch...

Some patrons agree to the bet and he sits down. A blindfold is placed over his eyes and he is handed the first pelt.

He runs his hand over it and promptly replies, "It's a rabbit, shot with a .22 caliber rifle.

He is correct and is brought another pelt.

Again, he runs his hand o...

A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.

He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?"

The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave."

"You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/she...

I identify as an elongated fish.

People say I'm mentally eel.

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I sexually identify as drywall

I love getting plastered!

My brother has decided to identify as thin.

He's translender.

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Jerry and Terry need to identify Pat's body in the morgue...

Pat unfortunately died in an apartment fire. His body was burnt so bad that the mortician had difficulty confirming that this body was Pat's. To solve this problem the mortician called in Jerry, one of two of Pat's close friends, to identify the body.

Jerry walks in. "Damn, he's burnt to a...

How did the mob identify the copper?

By finding a wire!

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Bubba died in a horrific accident and they were unable to reach his family to identify the body.

So they brought in his two best friends Leroy and Jimmy, as the three of them went everywhere together. When they walked into the morgue they were unable to tell for certain, as his face had been badly mangled. Leroy asks the mortician to roll him over so he can check to be sure. As soon as he ro...

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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I’m done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

I don’t care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman,

but April identifying as January is crossing the line.

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A mortician needed to identify a body, so he requested the help of the deceased's two good friends.

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician ro...

I have a wierd talent where i can identify what's inside a wrapped present

Its a Gift!

I Identify as a chair

Why, because I have nice legs and want girls to sit on me

I'm stressed. Sometimes I identify as a tipi. Other times as a marquee.

My psychiatrist says I shouldn't worry though, I'm just being too tense.

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The children began to identify the colours by their colour:

Red -> Raspberry
Yellow -> Lemon
Green -> Lime
Orange -> Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY flavoured candy. None of them could identify the taste.

The teacher said: ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may call your father’

One l...

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I identify as tri-sexual

I will try anything sexual.

Why are Redneck murder victims so hard to identify?

There are no dental records...

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadi...

Why do introverts identify so much with Thor's brother?

Because he's low-key.

How does NASA identify dead planets?

They look through the orbituaries.

Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

Yes I identify as chocolate.

I use her/she pronouns.

How can you identify a smart ass?

By his wise 'crack'.

I personally identify as one cycle per second.

Because everything hertz.

How do you identify a pregnant clause when editing writing?

It’s missing a period.

What's the best way to identify a dogwood tree?

By its bark

P.S. Sorry if this is a repost, but I haven't seen it here recently and I just heard it today from my botany professor.

I'm starting to identify more and more as trans-fat

I've been consuming a lot of gender rolls as of late.

I was assigned AB positive blood type at birth, but I identify myself as having B negative blood.

After all, blood is fluid.

I dont judge people on race, but how they identify themselves and type of person they are....

I dont care, you can call me a typist all you want.

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I sexually identify as the end of a Jedi's penis.

I'm Forcekin

If you’re skinny but identify as a fat person...

Would that make you a trans-fat?

"Can you identify the men from the line of suspects?" I was asked.

I said, "Yes, with ease. They're all men."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as half Democrat and half Republican

I'm bipartisan

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I sexually identify as a measure of kilometers per second

Because I really want to fucking KM/S

What does a water bottle identify as?

Gender fluid.

I am an obese man identifying as a skinny man...

I am trans-fat.

How do you identify Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?

His sesame seed buns.

(My grandma told me this one)

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All the vowels are having a masturbation contest.

They're trying to prove who would last the longest in bed, so they decide to start by seeing who can last the longest by themselves.

As they start, A finished within minutes, closely followed by O. Several more minutes pass, and U cant hold it any longer, climaxing. Y, deciding they didnt ide...

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I sexually identify as Counter Strike...

*And I'm globally offended*

I identify as a ferrari

Because I like to have two people inside of me.

Zoology Test

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held. 

The professor passed out sheets of small
paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird'...

A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself"

So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"

How does a spanish condiment identify itself?

Soy sauce

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I sexually identify as a measurement of speed

Cuz I'm a loner and wanna km/s

Spotting Idiots Online

I wish there was some way to identify idiots online.

Sent from my iPhone

If only there was an easily recognizable way to identify an idiot

-Sent from my iPhone

I just got pulled over for speeding and the cop asked me to identify myself. I sat up straight and looked in the mirror and said...

"Yes. That's me."

What do you mean I can't identify as a television?

Just watch me!

What do PC Master Race people identify as politically?

The Alt-Tab.

Do you know why dead rednecks are so hard to identify?

Because there's no dental record and all their DNA is too similar

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A teacher handed out Lifesavers to her class.

She began to ask the children if they could identify the flavor by each candy’s color.

Pretty soon, the class had identified red for cherry, green for lime, yellow for lemon, and orange for orange. So the teacher tried a harder question. She handed out honey-flavored Lifesavers. Nobody cou...

I really identify with the trans movement...

For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!

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An Israeli and his Czech friend were wandering through the forest when a bear reared up and ate the Czech guy.The Jewish guy ran to the nearest Ranger office,to report what happened. The ranger went off in his truck and returned shortly with two bears in cages in the back.

‘These are the only two bears in the vicinity can you identify which one ate your friend?’ The ranger asked
‘How could I recognize which bear is which?’ Said the fellow
‘Well,’ countered the Ranger’ One is a male bear and the other a female, maybe when the bear reared up to eat your friend you...

Many of my tumblr friends identify as otherkin. Be it wolfkin, eaglekin or yes even fantasykin. I myself identify as a jedi.

So I'm forcekin.

How do you identify a vegan at a party?

You don't, they come and tell you

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