UPJOKE
distinguishdiscovernamedescribedetermineclassifyrelatereferrecognizeenumeratespecifyseparateidentificationidentityplace

I was born male and I identify as male, yet...

... according to Tesco's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four!

I identify as an ambulance

My pronouns are wee/woo

I identify as a chocolate bar

My pronouns are her/shey

I now identify as boring.

My preferred pronouns are ho/hum.

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i sexually identify as a donkey

my pronouns are he/haw

How do you identify a female? Easy. They're the only ones that hurt you.

Male mosquitoes on the other hand are basically harmless

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The dinosaur I most identify with is a Triceratops…

That’s because I’m three times more horny than everyone else.

The CIA can identify any house in the world using just a picture of the front door

It’s an advanced form of gate analysis

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What would a bisexual television identify as?

Part of the LG TV OLED 4K+ community

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I sexually identify as a microwave meal...

I am ready in 3 minutes and look nothing like my pictures.

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Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians

Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass off as Russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have balls of steel. Even women.

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My therapist told me I can't identify my own emotions.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

How do you identify a snitch?

There are usually some tell-tale signs.

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. ...

I might be fat but I identify as skinny

I’m trans-slender

What did Shakespeare say when he couldn't identify the pencil?

2B or not 2B

Can some please explain to me what it means to identify as queer

Because looked it up and there were no straight answers

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How do you identify a blind man at a nude beach?

It's not hard.

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Learning how to identify

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer wearing a rainbow pride shirt. "I didn't realize you were gay," the bartender says. "Oh, I'm not. But I just discovered I am a part of the LGBT community and I want to show my support," the guy replies. "Since I get all my loving from prostitutes it was point...

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

A motorbike got separated from its parents in a supermarket…

An announcement was made to help identify the bike.
“Has anyone lost their motorbike? He claims he is Harley & Davids son”

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"I sexually identify as The RMS Titanic"

"I must lay my Seamen to rest in a dark wet place."

I have begun identifying as a Michael Jackson impersonator

My pronouns are now hee/hee

What do you call an all male identifying, church choir?

The He/Hymns



Ba dump

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

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A man is alone in an airport lounge…

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

Because her jacket is folded neatly beside her he can’t see any logos so he decides to have a go a...

What do you call bread that doesn’t identify as male or female?

Naan-binary.

I Identify as Italy in the 1600’s

Baroque

How can you identify those with dirty minds?

mark the joke NSFW

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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

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I sexually identify as a spaghetti.

Straight until wet.

How do you identify a Christian extremist YouTube video without watching it?

It has 665 likes.

I identify as binary...

Please refer to me as 01001000 01100101

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One day a group of terrorists took over a small village...

I fully acknowledge I first read this joke on Reddit many years ago. But since I haven't seen it posted in a long time, and it's been one of my favorite jokes, I'll give my best retelling of it-

So one day a group of terrorists took over a small village in the middle east. And being the evi...

I identify as an elongated fish...

People say im mentally eel

What do computers identify as?

Binary

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

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The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's de...

The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...

It'll be known as the National Elf Service.

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A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised...

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3 students at a high school get into trouble and are put on detention after school.

But instead of just sitting in a classroom they are tasked with helping the school Janitor clean the school basement.

So they set about clearing the basement. They find loads of old junk, which had accumulated over the 80 years the school had been open.

After about an hour of movi...

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I sexually identify as a Lootbox

I won’t tell you what I’m hiding, it costs too much to open me up, and once you do it’s probably not going to be what you want

What does Iron Man Identify as?

A FE Male

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I sexually identify as a vacuum

Because my life sucks

What pronouns does a Chicagoan use to identify as non-binary?

Dey or dem

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

I don’t care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman,

but April identifying as January is crossing the line.

Blonde

How do you identify a Blonde in a classroom ?
It is simple.. check who's erasing her notes when the teacher is cleaning the board !!!!

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Bubba died in a fire

Bubba died in a fire last night. His body was burned so badly that he couldn't be identified by most of his family.

That is, until his best friends Jim and Cletus were called. Jim and Cletus knew Bubba all his life, and they were certain they could identify Bubba for the coroner.

When ...

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Why do people identify as non-binary?

Otherwise it's just fucking 1's and 0's.

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Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on "How to identify if a guy is gay".

Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

An Afghan escaping from Taliban walks in through the Pakistani border...

He is immediately stopped by Pakistani border patrol agents and asked to identify himself. He stops and says he's the Minister of Ports & Shipping of Afghanistan.

Paxtani border officer: "But there is no sea in Afghanistan. How can you be the Minister of Ports & Shipping?"

Afg...

If you want to learn constellations, you should learn how to identify Ursa Minor...

- at a bear minimum

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

If you're trying to identify the blind guy at the nudist colony,

it's not hard.

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A drunk man is walking through the park at night...

when he sees a small, dark figure in the distance. He is curious, and gets closer and sees a small person with his back to him. He touches the small man on his shoulder to turn and identify the person and is shocked...

"I can't believe what I am seeing! This has to be my lucky day! Are you.....

I think I identify as a church roof.

I'm beginning to tran-spire

Why does the chocolateer identify as female?

Her/she

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadi...

How do you identify a fighter pilot at a bar?

You don't, he'll come up and tell you.

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Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

The police asked me if I could identify the man from the lineup, so I looked at them one by one.

"Yes," I said, "they're all men."

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten sheets over each bird and only the legs showing...

... He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying characteristic.

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They...

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I sexually identify as a female

I keep trying to convince my family that Im not a guy, but alas

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I sexually identify as a brick.

I'm always hard and I've only been laid once.

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I sexually identify as a toaster

You put bread in me and it comes out brown.

They found a new symptom that can identify Coronavirus.

The sudden urge to travel.

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

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I sexually identify as a Witch Doctor...

I'll take a little head from anyone.

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Hiking advisory

Hikers who visit this forest should be aware that both black bears and grizzly bears can be found here. We suggest the following precautions for your safety.

Please wear small bells on your clothing to alert wildlife of your presence so they stay away. Please have pepper spray with you at all...

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I identify as a tri-sexual...

I try to have sex, but I fail.

Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds

Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: Yup, they're all birds

If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.

I identify as Giantkin.

My pronouns are Phe/Phi/Pho/Phum and i'd like you to respect them please.

Why are redneck murder victims the hardest to identify?

Because there are never any dental records

Hens were often used in the Revolutionary War to identify colonists that were loyal to the Crown.

You never learned about chicken-catch-a-Tory?

reCAPTCHA asked me to identify pictures of tractors.

That's really not my field.

I am an obese man identifying as a skinny man...

I am trans-fat.

Why do introverts identify so much with Thor's brother?

Because he's low-key.

What did the Italian marine biologist say when asked to identify an eel?

That's a moray!



I'll see myself out...

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I sexually identify as Counter Strike...

*And I'm globally offended*

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A wood expert.

A drunk man in a bar began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only.

The bartender and patrons decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.

First they put a pencil infront of his nose. He smelled it and said, "That's...

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I sexually identify as drywall

I love getting plastered!

So if someone decides to identify as a monk...

Does this mean they’re *transcendent?*

How does NASA identify dead planets?

They look through the orbituaries.

When I moved to a new state I decided to start identifying as a flower.

I'm a transplant.

A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself"

So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"

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