I identify as an elongated fish...

People say im mentally eel

I identify as Michael Jackson

My pronouns are he/hee

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In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

Why are birds so hard to identify?

Because they are always in da sky’s.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

I identify as an ambulance

My pronouns are wee/woo

When I moved to a new state I decided to start identifying as a flower.

I'm a transplant.

If you're trying to identify the blind guy at the nudist colony,

it's not hard.

How do you identify a fighter pilot at a bar?

You don't, he'll come up and tell you.

reCAPTCHA asked me to identify pictures of tractors.

That's really not my field.

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The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's de...

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A NSFW joke I tried to translate from Turkish

A group of bandits raided a village. They said to the women of the village; "To save the life of your family, you have to identify your husband by sucking his dick."

They blindfolded women and lined up the men of the village in a mixed order, and a few of the bandits became involved.

T...

Why are redneck murder victims the hardest to identify?

Because there are never any dental records

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I sexually identify as a toaster

You put bread in me and it comes out brown.

How does a robot identify?

It doesnt its non-binary...well technically it is but...nevermind

They found a new symptom that can identify Coronavirus.

The sudden urge to travel.

If I'm fat but identify as slim

Does that mean I am trans slender?

I am a big guy but I identify as skinny.

I guess you could say I am trans slender.

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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

A woman was walking along the street when she got plowed into by a vehicle and killed...

The police had a tough time identifying her, but they were able to get a picture from the DMV.

They walked up to her house and rang the doorbell.

"Sir, do you know this woman?"

"Yes it's my wife"

(Deep sigh) "Sir, I'm not really sure how to break this to you... but it loo...

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I sexually identify as a vacuum

Because my life sucks

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?”

pulls out mirror and say: "Yes, it's me.”

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

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I sexually identify as a female

I keep trying to convince my family that Im not a guy, but alas

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I sexually identify as a Witch Doctor...

I'll take a little head from anyone.

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Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

A man was demonstrating a new type of drone to the military.

He was the project tech and was showing them how you could give it coordinates and an image of the objective and off it would go. Multiple options existed for the target - identify, pick up and bring back small packages, or deliver packages to soldiers in the field.

For some reason his boss n...

An old family joke.

A couple have a baby boy. He learned to speak at an early age, and was quickly learning the names of body parts.

The child's grandfather is playing with him, asking him to identify parts of the body.

"Where is your mouth?" The child would touch his lips. "Where is your foot?". The c...

A blind guy (Dale) goes to a lumber yard looking for a job. Once he finds the freemans office he introduces himself and asks for a job.

The foreman (Greg) is unsure how a blind guy can work at a lumber yard and expresses his concerns.

Dale explains that bind people usually have heightened senses in the other areas. In his case his sense of smell is extra keen.

Greg tells him Dale that he doesn't understand how that wi...

How do you identify the head nurse apart from all the other nurses?

From the dirt on her knees

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My therapist tells me that I have difficulty identifying my emotions.

Not quite sure how to feel about that.

I don’t care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman,

but April identifying as January is crossing the line.

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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I’m done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

So if someone decides to identify as a monk...

Does this mean they’re *transcendent?*

Im fat but i identify as skinny

Im trans-slender

What did the Italian marine biologist say when asked to identify an eel?

That's a moray!



I'll see myself out...

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Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on "How to identify if a guy is gay".

Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.

If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.

A man walks into a bar and bets drinks that while blindfolded, he can identify any animal pelt and what it was shot with just by touch...

Some patrons agree to the bet and he sits down. A blindfold is placed over his eyes and he is handed the first pelt.

He runs his hand over it and promptly replies, "It's a rabbit, shot with a .22 caliber rifle.

He is correct and is brought another pelt.

Again, he runs his hand o...

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Hitler's Game

During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she fa...

Today, I identify as a Giant.

My pronouns are fee, fo, fi, and fum.

Reddit asked me to prove I'm human by identifying fire hydrants.

Joke's on them, I'm a dog and that was easy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting alone in an airport lounge when a beautiful woman sits at the table next to him.

He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'....

The Three Babies

An Englishman, Welshman and a Jamaican are in hospital waiting for their wives to give birth.
After much pacing up and down, the nurse emerges from the maternity ward and announces that each are the father to a bouncing baby boy.
“Unfortunately there’s just one small problem” she adds.
“Be...

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I sexually identify as drywall

I love getting plastered!

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

I identify as Giantkin.

My pronouns are Phe/Phi/Pho/Phum and i'd like you to respect them please.

A joke about heaven

A woman died and arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter said “Yes?”
“I want to come in please”.....”Name?”......”Smith.”....”Know anyone here who will vouch for you”? .... “Mmmm, my husband maybe”? “Have you any idea how many men named Smith we have up here, is there any way to help identi...

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I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe, Bob, and Mike are painters working on a house..

Mike says "I'm going to have a smoke break, I'll be back in a few".

A while later Bob noticed that Mike hasn't come back yet. They wait a bit longer, but still no Mike. They try calling his cell phone, but there's no answer.

The next day he's still a no show. They decide to ...

if I were Sarah Connor

I would simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures has a pedestrian crossing in it

How did the mob identify the copper?

By finding a wire!

Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds

Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: Yup, they're all birds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jerry and Terry need to identify Pat's body in the morgue...

Pat unfortunately died in an apartment fire. His body was burnt so bad that the mortician had difficulty confirming that this body was Pat's. To solve this problem the mortician called in Jerry, one of two of Pat's close friends, to identify the body.

Jerry walks in. "Damn, he's burnt to a...

I identify as a aggressive letter

I guess I'm an alpha mail.

My brother has decided to identify as thin.

He's translender.

How do you identify a joke made by a redditor?

Proceeds to write three paragraphs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher gave her kindergarten class various lifesavers.

The kids started identifying the taste by the colour. So one day, the teacher gave all of the kids honey lifesavers, and told them to guess what flavour they were. She gave them a hint: "It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One girl spit it out and cried "Oh my god! They're asshole...

I Identify as a chair

Why, because I have nice legs and want girls to sit on me

A man walks into an LGBTQ center

He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?"


The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave."


"You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I...

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Bubba died in a horrific accident and they were unable to reach his family to identify the body.

So they brought in his two best friends Leroy and Jimmy, as the three of them went everywhere together. When they walked into the morgue they were unable to tell for certain, as his face had been badly mangled. Leroy asks the mortician to roll him over so he can check to be sure. As soon as he ro...

My doctor told me that I’m morbidly obese.

I responded “maybe, but I identify as skinny”

I’m trans-fat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The children began to identify the colours by their colour:

Red -> Raspberry
Yellow -> Lemon
Green -> Lime
Orange -> Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY flavoured candy. None of them could identify the taste.

The teacher said: ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may call your father’

One l...

Why do introverts identify so much with Thor's brother?

Because he's low-key.

I have a wierd talent where i can identify what's inside a wrapped present

Its a Gift!

How does NASA identify dead planets?

They look through the orbituaries.

I personally identify as one cycle per second.

Because everything hertz.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I identify as a tri-sexual...

I try to have sex, but I fail.

I'm stressed. Sometimes I identify as a tipi. Other times as a marquee.

My psychiatrist says I shouldn't worry though, I'm just being too tense.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as Counter Strike...

*And I'm globally offended*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a measure of kilometers per second

Because I really want to fucking KM/S

How can you identify a smart ass?

By his wise 'crack'.

A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself"

So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"

In the news: Motorcyclist ...

... who identify himself a bicyclist sets cycling world record.

I identify as a ferrari

Because I like to have two people inside of me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as half Democrat and half Republican

I'm bipartisan

If you’re skinny but identify as a fat person...

Would that make you a trans-fat?

How do you identify a pregnant clause when editing writing?

It’s missing a period.

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