My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

A man walks into a bar and bets drinks that while blindfolded, he can identify any animal pelt and what it was shot with just by touch...

Some patrons agree to the bet and he sits down. A blindfold is placed over his eyes and he is handed the first pelt.

He runs his hand over it and promptly replies, "It's a rabbit, shot with a .22 caliber rifle.

He is correct and is brought another pelt.

Again, he runs his hand o...

A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.

He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?"

The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave."

"You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/she...

I identify as an elongated fish.

People say I'm mentally eel.

My brother has decided to identify as thin.

He's translender.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on "How to identify if a guy is gay".

Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jerry and Terry need to identify Pat's body in the morgue...

Pat unfortunately died in an apartment fire. His body was burnt so bad that the mortician had difficulty confirming that this body was Pat's. To solve this problem the mortician called in Jerry, one of two of Pat's close friends, to identify the body.

Jerry walks in. "Damn, he's burnt to a...

I’m fat, but I identify as skinny.

I’m trans-slender.

I Identify as a chair

Why, because I have nice legs and want girls to sit on me

I have a wierd talent where i can identify what's inside a wrapped present

Its a Gift!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I’m done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

I don’t care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman,

but April identifying as January is crossing the line.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mortician needed to identify a body, so he requested the help of the deceased's two good friends.

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician ro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I identify as tri-sexual

I will try anything sexual.

I'm stressed. Sometimes I identify as a tipi. Other times as a marquee.

My psychiatrist says I shouldn't worry though, I'm just being too tense.

Why are Redneck murder victims so hard to identify?

There are no dental records...

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadi...

Why do introverts identify so much with Thor's brother?

Because he's low-key.

I identify as an Apache helicopter

I always have strange army men inside me

How does NASA identify dead planets?

They look through the orbituaries.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The children began to identify the colours by their colour:

Red -> Raspberry
Yellow -> Lemon
Green -> Lime
Orange -> Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY flavoured candy. None of them could identify the taste.

The teacher said: ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may call your father’

One l...

Yes I identify as chocolate.

I use her/she pronouns.

How can you identify a smart ass?

By his wise 'crack'.

How do you identify a pregnant clause when editing writing?

It’s missing a period.

I was assigned AB positive blood type at birth, but I identify myself as having B negative blood.

After all, blood is fluid.

Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

What's the best way to identify a dogwood tree?

By its bark

P.S. Sorry if this is a repost, but I haven't seen it here recently and I just heard it today from my botany professor.

I'm starting to identify more and more as trans-fat

I've been consuming a lot of gender rolls as of late.

I personally identify as one cycle per second.

Because everything hertz.

I dont judge people on race, but how they identify themselves and type of person they are....

I dont care, you can call me a typist all you want.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sexually identify as the end of a Jedi's penis.

I'm Forcekin

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sexually identify as half Democrat and half Republican

I'm bipartisan

If you’re skinny but identify as a fat person...

Would that make you a trans-fat?

"Can you identify the men from the line of suspects?" I was asked.

I said, "Yes, with ease. They're all men."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sexually identify as a measure of kilometers per second

Because I really want to fucking KM/S

What does a water bottle identify as?

Gender fluid.

How do you identify Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?

His sesame seed buns.

(My grandma told me this one)

Even though I'm pretty skinny, I identify as an obese person...

I'm trans fat.

I identify as a ferrari

Because I like to have two people inside of me.

How does a spanish condiment identify itself?

Soy sauce

A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself"

So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sexually identify as Counter Strike...

*And I'm globally offended*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sexually identify as a measurement of speed

Cuz I'm a loner and wanna km/s

I am an obese man identifying as a skinny man...

I am trans-fat.

If only there was an easily recognizable way to identify an idiot

-Sent from my iPhone

I just got pulled over for speeding and the cop asked me to identify myself. I sat up straight and looked in the mirror and said...

"Yes. That's me."

Spotting Idiots Online

I wish there was some way to identify idiots online.

Sent from my iPhone

What do PC Master Race people identify as politically?

The Alt-Tab.

What do you mean I can't identify as a television?

Just watch me!

Do you know why dead rednecks are so hard to identify?

Because there's no dental record and all their DNA is too similar

I really identify with the trans movement...

For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!

You think you're special because you suddenly don't identify as male or female?

The Siberian Orchestra has identified as 'trans' for over 20 years.

How do you identify a vegan at a party?

You don't, they come and tell you

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

Canadians are easy to identify ...

... you can spot them 1.6 kilometres away.

Many of my tumblr friends identify as otherkin. Be it wolfkin, eaglekin or yes even fantasykin. I myself identify as a jedi.

So I'm forcekin.

I identify as an employee wherever I go.

Now I can use any bathroom I need to.

How can you identify a French Infantryman?

Sunburned armpits.