I identify as an ambulance

My pronouns are wee/woo

I’m fat but I self identify as thin.

I’m trans slender

I identify as an IOS update...

No-one likes me, I'm useless and I steal your personal data.

I was born male and I identify as male, yet...

... according to Tesco's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four!

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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner....

You can have me in 5 minutes and I look nothing like the picture.

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the ...

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I sexually identify as chocolate

My pronouns are Her-She

The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...

It'll be known as the National Elf Service.

I identify as binary...

Please refer to me as 01001000 01100101

Can some please explain to me what it means to identify as queer

Because looked it up and there were no straight answers

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

What do you call bread that doesn’t identify as male or female?

Naan-binary.

How do you identify a Christian extremist YouTube video without watching it?

It has 665 likes.

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I sexually identify as a spaghetti.

Straight until wet.

How do Chameleons identify their friends in the wild?

By recognizing which one's stick with them even through the hard times.

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I sexually identify as a bendy straw

Straight until the kink hits.

What does Iron Man Identify as?

A FE Male

I think I identify as a church roof.

I'm beginning to tran-spire

I identify as an elongated fish...

People say im mentally eel

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I sexually identify as a vacuum

Because my life sucks

If you want to learn constellations, you should learn how to identify Ursa Minor...

- at a bear minimum

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I sexually identify as a Lootbox

I won’t tell you what I’m hiding, it costs too much to open me up, and once you do it’s probably not going to be what you want

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule"  as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator....

The royal calligrapher's apprentice.

In the late 1400s there was a young man named Pablo. He was apprenticed to the royal calligrapher for the king of Spain. One day the royal calligrapher gathered his apprentices for a lesson.

"Any letter penned for his majesty must be penned with Ink made here in Spain! It would be a trav...

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Why do people identify as non-binary?

Otherwise it's just fucking 1's and 0's.

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

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In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

The police asked me if I could identify the man from the lineup, so I looked at them one by one.

"Yes," I said, "they're all men."

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The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's de...

If you're trying to identify the blind guy at the nudist colony,

it's not hard.

Why does the chocolateer identify as female?

Her/she

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

How do you identify a fighter pilot at a bar?

You don't, he'll come up and tell you.

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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

I just lost a lot of money to a con-artist

He had this great pitch about investing in an innovative company that could identify male sheep by their urine. Turns out it was a pee-ram-id scheme.

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

I don’t care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman,

but April identifying as January is crossing the line.

When I moved to a new state I decided to start identifying as a flower.

I'm a transplant.

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I sexually identify as a toaster

You put bread in me and it comes out brown.

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Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on "How to identify if a guy is gay".

Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.

Hens were often used in the Revolutionary War to identify colonists that were loyal to the Crown.

You never learned about chicken-catch-a-Tory?

Why are birds so hard to identify?

Because they are always in da sky’s.

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A blind man walks into a lumberyard and asks for a job.

The manager looks at him and says, "what job could I possibly give you that you could do?"

The blind man says, "I can identify any wood by smell."

So, the manager decides to test him. He holds up a board up under the blind man's nose. The blind man takes one whiff and says, "Cherry. D...

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I sexually identify as a female

I keep trying to convince my family that Im not a guy, but alas

Trump Supporters are demanding to join the LGBTQ+ community.

They say they identify as Non-Bidenary

reCAPTCHA asked me to identify pictures of tractors.

That's really not my field.

Why are redneck murder victims the hardest to identify?

Because there are never any dental records

They found a new symptom that can identify Coronavirus.

The sudden urge to travel.

Politically correct

I identify as as a comedian
My pronouns are HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE

How does a robot identify?

It doesnt its non-binary...well technically it is but...nevermind

A man walks into a bar and bets drinks that while blindfolded, he can identify any animal pelt and what it was shot with just by touch...

Some patrons agree to the bet and he sits down. A blindfold is placed over his eyes and he is handed the first pelt.

He runs his hand over it and promptly replies, "It's a rabbit, shot with a .22 caliber rifle.

He is correct and is brought another pelt.

Again, he runs his hand o...

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Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?”

pulls out mirror and say: "Yes, it's me.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A NSFW joke I tried to translate from Turkish

A group of bandits raided a village. They said to the women of the village; "To save the life of your family, you have to identify your husband by sucking his dick."

They blindfolded women and lined up the men of the village in a mixed order, and a few of the bandits became involved.

T...

If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.

I identify as Giantkin.

My pronouns are Phe/Phi/Pho/Phum and i'd like you to respect them please.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a Witch Doctor...

I'll take a little head from anyone.

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadi...

Today i asked myself the question:

Do I identify myself as a man or a woman. But then I knew after I spilled my coffee, I am just a disappointment.

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day.

As he arrived at classroom, he saw ten rods with platforms with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the bir...

What did the Italian marine biologist say when asked to identify an eel?

That's a moray!



I'll see myself out...

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My therapist tells me that I have difficulty identifying my emotions.

Not quite sure how to feel about that.

Today, I identify as a Giant.

My pronouns are fee, fo, fi, and fum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as drywall

I love getting plastered!

Reddit asked me to prove I'm human by identifying fire hydrants.

Joke's on them, I'm a dog and that was easy.

So if someone decides to identify as a monk...

Does this mean they’re *transcendent?*

A farmer ask his neighbor:

A farmer ask his neighbor: Do you have way to identify cows? I have two and i want to know which is which.

The neighbor, thinks:
Umm, you can cut the edge of the ear of only one of them.

The next week,
Farmer: I've tried your idea but the other cow got too close to the sharpe fi...

Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds

Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: Yup, they're all birds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Finnish salesman comes to Russia to sell chainsaws to local lumberjacks.

“With this saw a good lumberjack can cut down 40 trees an hour and not even get tired” says the salesman.

The lumberjacks, thinking that sounds pretty good, place an order for 50 chainsaws.

At first they are delighted but then the miracle wears off as they notice the Finnish salesman...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jerry and Terry need to identify Pat's body in the morgue...

Pat unfortunately died in an apartment fire. His body was burnt so bad that the mortician had difficulty confirming that this body was Pat's. To solve this problem the mortician called in Jerry, one of two of Pat's close friends, to identify the body.

Jerry walks in. "Damn, he's burnt to a...

Why do introverts identify so much with Thor's brother?

Because he's low-key.

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I identify as a tri-sexual...

I try to have sex, but I fail.

A woman was walking along the street when she got plowed into by a vehicle and killed...

The police had a tough time identifying her, but they were able to get a picture from the DMV.

They walked up to her house and rang the doorbell.

"Sir, do you know this woman?"

"Yes it's my wife"

(Deep sigh) "Sir, I'm not really sure how to break this to you... but it loo...

How did the mob identify the copper?

By finding a wire!

I Identify as a chair

Why, because I have nice legs and want girls to sit on me

I personally identify as one cycle per second.

Because everything hertz.

I am an obese man identifying as a skinny man...

I am trans-fat.

How does NASA identify dead planets?

They look through the orbituaries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The children began to identify the colours by their colour:

Red -> Raspberry
Yellow -> Lemon
Green -> Lime
Orange -> Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY flavoured candy. None of them could identify the taste.

The teacher said: ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may call your father’

One l...

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

How do you identify a joke made by a redditor?

Proceeds to write three paragraphs.

I identify as a aggressive letter

I guess I'm an alpha mail.

Two friends bought two horses

One for each friend. They had to keep their horses at the same place so the 1st friend asked, “How are we going to identify which horse is yours and which one is mine?”
2nd friend: “For that, I have an idea. I'll shave my horse's neck hair. So the one without neck hair would be mine and the one w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bubba died in a horrific accident and they were unable to reach his family to identify the body.

So they brought in his two best friends Leroy and Jimmy, as the three of them went everywhere together. When they walked into the morgue they were unable to tell for certain, as his face had been badly mangled. Leroy asks the mortician to roll him over so he can check to be sure. As soon as he ro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as Counter Strike...

*And I'm globally offended*

I have a wierd talent where i can identify what's inside a wrapped present

Its a Gift!

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