I was born male and I identify as male, yet...

... according to Tesco's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four!

I might be fat but I identify as skinny

I’m trans-slender

I identify as an ambulance

My pronouns are wee/woo

The CIA can identify any house in the world using just a picture of the front door

It’s an advanced form of gate analysis

I identify as a donkey

Hee/Haw

I identify as a chocolate bar

My pronouns are her/shey

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What would a bisexual television identify as?

Part of the LG TV OLED 4K+ community

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. ...

What did Shakespeare say when he couldn't identify the pencil?

2B or not 2B

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Clyde died in fire

His two friends Bill and Ted were called in to identify the body because it had been so badly burned.

Bill went in first and took a look. "yup he's badly burnt, turn him over" So the mortician turned him over and Bill said, "nope, not him."

Next Ted went in and said, "yup he's badly b...

Can some please explain to me what it means to identify as queer

Because looked it up and there were no straight answers

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Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians

Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass off as Russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have balls of steel. Even women.

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"I sexually identify as The RMS Titanic"

"I must lay my Seamen to rest in a dark wet place."

I have begun identifying as a Michael Jackson impersonator

My pronouns are now hee/hee

What do you call an all male identifying, church choir?

The He/Hymns



Ba dump

What do you call a 4chan user who doesn't identify as male or female?

Anon Binary.

How can you identify those with dirty minds?

mark the joke NSFW

I Identify as Italy in the 1600’s

Baroque

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten sheets over each bird and only the legs showing...

... He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying characteristic.

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They...

How do you identify an anti-vaccine among 100 persons?

Natural selection

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Hiking advisory

Hikers who visit this forest should be aware that both black bears and grizzly bears can be found here. We suggest the following precautions for your safety.

Please wear small bells on your clothing to alert wildlife of your presence so they stay away. Please have pepper spray with you at all...

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

An Afghan escaping from Taliban walks in through the Pakistani border...

He is immediately stopped by Pakistani border patrol agents and asked to identify himself. He stops and says he's the Minister of Ports & Shipping of Afghanistan.

Paxtani border officer: "But there is no sea in Afghanistan. How can you be the Minister of Ports & Shipping?"

Afg...

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I sexually identify as a spaghetti.

Straight until wet.

I identify as binary...

Please refer to me as 01001000 01100101

I identify as an elongated fish...

People say im mentally eel

What do computers identify as?

Binary

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A wood expert.

A drunk man in a bar began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only.

The bartender and patrons decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.

First they put a pencil infront of his nose. He smelled it and said, "That's...

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Bubba died in a fire

Bubba died in a fire last night. His body was burned so badly that he couldn't be identified by most of his family.

That is, until his best friends Jim and Cletus were called. Jim and Cletus knew Bubba all his life, and they were certain they could identify Bubba for the coroner.

When ...

How do you identify a Christian extremist YouTube video without watching it?

It has 665 likes.

The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...

It'll be known as the National Elf Service.

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A fur trapper walks into a bar

A fur trapper walks into a small town bar. He tells the guys at the bar "I bet you a drink that I can identify any animal pelt, and what it was killed with, by touch alone." Amused, one man went out to his truck and got a pelt out. The trapper was blindfolded and handed the pelt. "Ah, gray squirrel,...

How do Chameleons identify their friends in the wild?

By recognizing which one's stick with them even through the hard times.

What does Iron Man Identify as?

A FE Male

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A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He lean...

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I sexually identify as a vacuum

Because my life sucks

What pronouns does a Chicagoan use to identify as non-binary?

Dey or dem

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

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The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's de...

I don’t care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman,

but April identifying as January is crossing the line.

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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I’m done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

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I sexually identify as a Lootbox

I won’t tell you what I’m hiding, it costs too much to open me up, and once you do it’s probably not going to be what you want

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Why do people identify as non-binary?

Otherwise it's just fucking 1's and 0's.

I think I identify as a church roof.

I'm beginning to tran-spire

If you want to learn constellations, you should learn how to identify Ursa Minor...

- at a bear minimum

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In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

The police asked me if I could identify the man from the lineup, so I looked at them one by one.

"Yes," I said, "they're all men."

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Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on "How to identify if a guy is gay".

Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.

Why does the chocolateer identify as female?

Her/she

How do you identify a fighter pilot at a bar?

You don't, he'll come up and tell you.

Anyone hear the news about the woman they found in the forest? (Kinda dark)

She was cut down the middle, and her right side was missing.

They could only identify her from what was Left.

If you're trying to identify the blind guy at the nudist colony,

it's not hard.

A tortoise is crossing the road when he is robbed by two snails.

When the police show up, they ask the tortoise if he can identify the culprits.
The tortoise, still shaking from the incident, cries ‘It all happened so fast!’.

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

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The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

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I sexually identify as a toaster

You put bread in me and it comes out brown.

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadi...

Hens were often used in the Revolutionary War to identify colonists that were loyal to the Crown.

You never learned about chicken-catch-a-Tory?

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I sexually identify as a female

I keep trying to convince my family that Im not a guy, but alas

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Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.

I identify as Giantkin.

My pronouns are Phe/Phi/Pho/Phum and i'd like you to respect them please.

Why are birds so hard to identify?

Because they are always in da sky’s.

They found a new symptom that can identify Coronavirus.

The sudden urge to travel.

Why are redneck murder victims the hardest to identify?

Because there are never any dental records

reCAPTCHA asked me to identify pictures of tractors.

That's really not my field.

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I sexually identify as a Witch Doctor...

I'll take a little head from anyone.

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I sexually identify as a brick.

I'm always hard and I've only been laid once.

When I moved to a new state I decided to start identifying as a flower.

I'm a transplant.

What did the Italian marine biologist say when asked to identify an eel?

That's a moray!



I'll see myself out...

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I sexually identify as drywall

I love getting plastered!

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I identify as a tri-sexual...

I try to have sex, but I fail.

Two doctors were at the subway station, heading for another work day

When they noticed an old man hunching and limping around.

— Poor guy - says one doctor — Yet another victim of sclerosis.

— Sclerosis? - asks the other one — I don't think so. That's clearly rheumatism.

— You can't be serious - replies the first one — How are you even a doctor i...

Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds

Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: Yup, they're all birds

So if someone decides to identify as a monk...

Does this mean they’re *transcendent?*

I am an obese man identifying as a skinny man...

I am trans-fat.

I'm in big trouble with my wife. We were in bed and she asked, what I'd like to do most with her body?

Apparently, "Identify it." wasn't the right answer!!

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My therapist tells me that I have difficulty identifying my emotions.

Not quite sure how to feel about that.

Why do introverts identify so much with Thor's brother?

Because he's low-key.

It feels like there is a new diet fad every other day

everyone is so concerned about trans fats but I think we should respect fat people and let them identify however they want

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I sexually identify as Counter Strike...

*And I'm globally offended*

How does NASA identify dead planets?

They look through the orbituaries.

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I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

Reddit asked me to prove I'm human by identifying fire hydrants.

Joke's on them, I'm a dog and that was easy.

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Jerry and Terry need to identify Pat's body in the morgue...

Pat unfortunately died in an apartment fire. His body was burnt so bad that the mortician had difficulty confirming that this body was Pat's. To solve this problem the mortician called in Jerry, one of two of Pat's close friends, to identify the body.

Jerry walks in. "Damn, he's burnt to a...

A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself"

So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"

I Identify as a chair

Why, because I have nice legs and want girls to sit on me

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