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The government has decided to ban all alcohol adverts on pornography websites

When asked, an official commented:

'We made this decision for the wellbeing of the kids who watch it'

My Dating Advert......

"Wife wanted. Age no bar. Weight no bar. Looks no bar. Education no bar. Religion no bar.....

BUT GIRLS FATHER, MUST HAVE HIS OWN BAR.

My Dating Advert

Wife wanted. Must be able to clean and cook fish. Must have own boat and motor. Please send pictures of boat and motor.

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A circus is looking for new acts so they place an advert in the local paper

A few days later the circus' agent gets a phone call. "Hi I'm Jeff!" says the caller "I saw your advert and it sounds like my dream! I think I'm definitely talented enough to be in the circus!"

"Well ok Jeff, tell me about yourself, what's your skill?" says the agent

"I can skateboard!...

I saw an advert that read "Radio for sale, $1.00, volume stuck of full"

I thought, "I can't turn that down"

The mining industry wants to put out a radio advert to help with recruitment. They hire a jingle writer, and he asks them what key he should write it in.

They said: "B minor".

A young child walks into a shop and says to the person behind the counter

"Can i have some tampax please"

the man says

"sure thing are they for your mother?"

Kid says

"No"

Man says

"for your sister?"

Kid looks bemused and again says

"no"

The man with a confused look says

"well why do you want them?"...

Saw an advert on the side of the Apple Store saying 'Apply Inside'

Well it's not going to be orangey is it?

There was a pun competition in my town recently.

The newspaper came with the advert. Anybody could send as many puns as they wanted. So I decided to send 10 of them. You know, the more you send the more chances of winning.

Pretty cool, right?

When the results came, I was shocked to see I didn't win.

No pun in ten did.

Jim wants to sell his car and consults his friend Tommy.

Jim’s car is getting old so he’s decided to put it up for sale but consults his friend Tommy before making the advert.

Tommy asks him, “How many miles are on your car Jim?”.

“132,000, she’s getting old” he says.

Tommy looked shocked as he wanted his friend to get some money bac...

I've been watching far too much television lately.

My dreams have adverts in them now.

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I’ve just seen an advert on Pornhub that claimed it could “teach me to have sex without cumming”

I’m not paying 25 bucks for that when I could just ask my girlfriend how she does it.

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An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

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I put gametes in my advert

Because hey, sex cells

Got my water bill today - £400. Then I saw an advert for Oxfam stating they can supply a whole village with water for £5 a month.

Think I'll be changing my supplier.

I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
$35,000 - $40,000

So I rang them and said, "The answer is -$5,000"

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A man wakes up one morning and finds a gorilla on his roof.

So he searched the internet and sure enough, there's an advert for "Gorilla Catchers". He calls the number, and the gorilla catcher, Bobby, says he will be over in 30 minutes.

Bobby arrives within 30 minutes and gets out of his van. He's got a LADDER, a BASEBALL BAT, a SHOTGUN and a HUGE DOG....

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I'm always annoyed when I see adverts for Dailysex classes on the subway...

...why can't they advertise helpful classes, maybe something that would help me with my dyslexia

Just came off a job filming an advert for Mexican food.

I thought the last shot was of some tortillas, but as we finished, the director shouted, 'That's a wrap.'

I saw an advert for a Michael Jackson figurine, and at the end of the advert it said...

...not suitable for children, colours may vary.

Nail advert

There was once a family run nail manufacturing company. One day, the father asked his son to create a poster advert for their company in an effort to attract new business.

A week later, the son shows his father the poster, which depicted Jesus on the cross with a caption that read "Guarantee...

A woman posts an advert on the newspaper...

The advert says: "I'm looking for a new husband. I'd like a good husband that doesn't hit me, doesn't go out drinking at night, and also satisfies me in bed."

A few days later, someone knocks on her front door. It turns out to be a man on a wheelchair, with no arms and no legs. The man says "...

Police said they were looking for a racist abuser.

I immediately called the hotline but they told me it wasn't a job advert.

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Mum are you sure I'm a polar bear?

Mum are you sure I'm a polar bear?

Yes, why?

Are you really sure?

Yes, of course you are a polar bear, I'm a polar bear, your dad is a polar bear, your grand parents are polar bears, you are a polar bear?

Definitely?

Yes! You were in the coca cola advert and the...

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

A duck walks into a bar after a long day of work on abuilding sight

He hops onto a barstool and asks the bartender for a club sandwich and a pint of Guinness , the bartender says "WOW! A talking duck" he is very surprised but gets him his sandwich and pint anyway


The next night the duck comes in and hops onto a barstool and asks the bartender for a club s...

You tube

Police say their investigation into the shooting at the YouTube headquarters has been hampered by having to sit through a 5 second advert before interviewing each witness

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I think there is something wrong with my TV.

An advert has just come on with a white , married heterosexual couple in it.

Watching tv Ads

My dad's Dad joke of the day

Don't you Hate it when they put a Movie in between my Tv adverts

(Watching a movie on free Tv) (Cable)

Usain Bolt retires from running...

He has been bored and looking in to a new sport to take up. He’s looking through his newspaper when he sees an advert for a new golf course in his home town. He takes a walk down and asks the receptionist about signing up.

Usain Bolt “Hi, I’m here to see about joining your new golf course” ...

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There's this young lady looking for a place to stay.

There's this young lady looking for a place to stay. She doesn't know anyone in town so she's browsing the small ads.

All the rooms for rent are way out of her league. She's just a young student and she doesn't have that kind of money. Finally she sees an advert for a room that she thinks she...

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Why do many people call my penis the 'Big Mac'?

Because it doesn't look as good or as big as it did in the adverts.

:(

Two Irish men are looking for work

Walking down the street, Paddy spots an advert in a shop window.

Paddy says: “Would you look at that, Murphy! Tree fellers wanted, apply within!”

Murphy reads the add carefully and responds: “Aye Paddy, tis a crying shame there’s only two of us!”

Islam is not too popular these days.

So Muslims decided to hire the Mulla Nasreddin ad agency. The agency worked day and night. But due to strict new laws on false advertizing, regulators rejected most of their proposals. Finally after much thought the agency came up with the following slogans.

Islam, 2/3 less wrong than Christi...

Compilation of short "jokes"

☐ There should be TL;DRs on Terms and Conditions

☐ I never click the top Google result if it's an advert even if it's exactly what I want

☐ The amount of battery left on my phone is proportional to how hard I've been working that day

☐ Smart watches should be able to delete your...

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Fattest Pig Contest

One day 3 farmers are coming back from town when they see a sign for the County Fair coming next month, right below the main advert is another for a Fattest Pig Contest. The farmers have pigs on their farm so they think they should enter.

When they get back to the farm the first farmer goes ...

A Church in Ireland needed a bellringer...

...for their new belltower, so they put out an advert in the local paper.

*Bellringer needed for the dawn bell. Large bell, strength needed. Apply in person at the church*

Sure enough, the next day there is a knock on the door. Father Angus answers, eager to meet the applicant.
...

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