What’s the difference between the president of Ukraine, and the president of the United States?

The president of Ukraine is a comedian, the president of the United States is a joke.

We should get all the ex-USSR states back together

Then we could have a Soviet re-Union

United States 2020 Election results are in!

Oh wait sorry this is just for us Russians.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

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What state is the favorite of all prostitutes?

Idaho

A chicken can jump higher than Empire state building...

It's true because buildings can't jump.

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her,

"Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I d...

An Oklahoma State Trooper pulls over a circus clown for speeding

The trooper asks the clown "Why were you driving so fast?" The clown says "I'm headed to Tulsa for a circus show and I don't want to be late." The trooper asks the clown "What do you do in the show?" "I'm a juggler" says the clown.

"Alright" says the trooper, "If you juggle for me here, I won...

A state trooper pulls over a farmer...

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he ...

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What do you call the state of being sexually attracted to your own behind?

Auto-erotic ass-fixation.

What is the funniest way you could end the greatest joke in United States history?

Impeachment

What’s the state bread of Alabama?

Inbred

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital “Loo-uh-vul”, while 38% say “Loo-ee-ville.

Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

What was the state of Austria in 1866?

Under Prussiah!

Two men from two separate States met at a restaurant and found that both have left homes in search of their missing wives.

First: How does your wife look, her identity?




Second: She is 5'9", slim, extremely beautiful and always smiling. What about yours?




First: Forget about mine. Come, let's search yours....

Kerala was the first indian state where Hindus got converted to Christianity

Saint Thomas, who was one of the disciples of Jesus Christ visited Kerala in 52 AD.

How did St Thomas convert Keralites to Christianity ?

St Thomas said, "Jesus healed the sick ".
People didn't believe .

He said, "Jesus died for you".
People said "Oh pl...

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.



To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that sh...

My friend told me that America has 50 states I said no

Scientists found out that Pluto isn’t a planet so we got 49 dumbass

What is the state with the fastest growing capital?

Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the spirit of Halloween, I would like to state that my penis is NOT small.

It's fun size.

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

Did you know toothpaste was invented in the southern states?

otherwise it’d be called teethpaste.

What state has the smallest drinks

Mini-soda

I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States

and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time.

What is Mario's favorite state?

Luigiana


(My niece told me this joke last night)

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Me: I have a fear of abbreviated US state names

Therapist: OH, OK

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were training for their moon mission in the moonlike deserts of the Western United States, where they had an encounter with an old Native American man.

The man asked what they were doing in the desert. They replied that they were going to travel to the moon, and explore it soon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent and pondered for a few moments, then asked the astronauts for a favor.

"What do you want?" the astronauts asked.

"...

The United States is always being hit with tragedies and crises like a bad curse...

Just as if it was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground.

Ben, Dan and Carl were sentence to death by a firing squad because of treason to the state.

Ben was the first up, the general would give the command to his soldiers to shoot. “Ready..Aim...” Then Ben suddenly shouted “EARTHQUAKE!!” All the soldiers hid for cover and Ben escaped. Dan was next. “Ready...Aim...” Then Dan Screamed “TSUNAMI!!” The soldiers hid for cover again and they lost Ben ...

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

If there are mid-west states in the U.S. ...

... why are there no mid-east ones?

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Florida: I’m the most fucked up state.

Alabama: Hold my sister

I dont see why we need to leave our planet in a better state for future generations

The current generation cant get out of middle school before dying off.

What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite state?

Hawai-HeeHee

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

What state loves a sport so much they named themselves after it?

It's tennis, see?

In which state does the Arabian Sea lie ?

Liquid state ..

Got stopped by a state trooper the other day

Trooper: sir, why do you have a penguin in the car?
Me: oh, dont worry im taking him to the zoo
(Couple hours later, got stopped again)
Trooper: sir, i thought you were taking that penguin to the zoo?
Me: i did, but now i have to take him back home!

My friend asked me what I thought about the state North of Texas

I told him it's OK

I heard on the TV, "no arms race between Russia and the United States"

I thought to myself, "I didn't even know the Paralympics were on"

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A State Trooper is working on a dark and rainy night

He gets a call of a fatal wreck. He arrives on scene to find a car hit a tree the driver was dead on the pavement. He notices that when the woman went through the windshield it stripped off all her clothing. He used his rain jacket to cover her face and big beautiful breast and his hat to cover her ...

What state has the lead in the United States?

Pencilvania.

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

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What's the most depressed and simultaneously sexually active place in America?

Oh I was hoping you would know... I've heard it's a sad state of affairs

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