What’s the difference between the president of Ukraine, and the president of the United States?

The president of Ukraine is a comedian, the president of the United States is a joke.

Murphy’s Law states that...

if you don’t know something, the best way to find out is not to ask a question, but to post the wrong answer on the internet claiming to be right and wait on someone to correct you!

We should get all the ex-USSR states back together

Then we could have a Soviet re-Union

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did yo...

A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years lat...

United States 2020 Election results are in!

Oh wait sorry this is just for us Russians.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

As a British person, I have a question about the states of America...

Wyoming?

A chicken can jump higher than Empire state building...

It's true because buildings can't jump.

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States

They call it the Im-peached orange.

They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.

Jerry Sandusky Penn State molestation charges affirmed in Court today.

Will there be a book?
"From Penn State to State Pen: The Jerry Sandusky Story."

What is the difference between a yoghurt and the United States?

If you leave a yoghurt standing for 240 years there's going to develop a culture on it.

What is a State Electrician's favorite day?

#FRY-day

My uncle, who is an army funeral director, almost became president of the United states.

Yes he was a barrack embalmer.

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, wh...

Did you hear the one about having lunch in a socialist state?

Sorry, you wouldn't get it.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

Which state has the most streets per square mile?

It's Rhode Island.

Most United States President these days are quite stubborn

Good thing both JFK and Lincoln were very open minded people.

An Oklahoma State Trooper pulls over a circus clown for speeding

The trooper asks the clown "Why were you driving so fast?" The clown says "I'm headed to Tulsa for a circus show and I don't want to be late." The trooper asks the clown "What do you do in the show?" "I'm a juggler" says the clown.

"Alright" says the trooper, "If you juggle for me here, I won...

USA should have 53 states so that it's indivisible, they say

... until they remember that it's still divisible by itself

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The Queen of England take a diplomatic trip to the United States....

While there, she visits one of New York's best hospitals. As she is being shown around the hospital by a doctor, she comes across a man furiously masturbating in the hallway. The queen turns beet red and exclaims, "Doctor! Do you see what that man is doing?" The doctor looks then very nonchalantly s...

Galileo stated that everything falls at the same speed, however this is not true

My self esteem falls pretty fast

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.



To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that sh...

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her,

"Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I d...

A state trooper pulls over a farmer...

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he ...

62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital “Loo-uh-vul”, while 38% say “Loo-ee-ville.

Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

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What do you call the state of being sexually attracted to your own behind?

Auto-erotic ass-fixation.

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In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we cur...

What is the funniest way you could end the greatest joke in United States history?

Impeachment

Kerala was the first indian state where Hindus got converted to Christianity

Saint Thomas, who was one of the disciples of Jesus Christ visited Kerala in 52 AD.

How did St Thomas convert Keralites to Christianity ?

St Thomas said, "Jesus healed the sick ".
People didn't believe .

He said, "Jesus died for you".
People said "Oh pl...

What was the state of Austria in 1866?

Under Prussiah!

My friend told me that America has 50 states I said no

Scientists found out that Pluto isn’t a planet so we got 49 dumbass

Two men from two separate States met at a restaurant and found that both have left homes in search of their missing wives.

First: How does your wife look, her identity?




Second: She is 5'9", slim, extremely beautiful and always smiling. What about yours?




First: Forget about mine. Come, let's search yours....

What is the state with the fastest growing capital?

Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

What’s the state bread of Alabama?

Inbred

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

Did you know toothpaste was invented in the southern states?

otherwise it’d be called teethpaste.

“Hey man, did your Geography teacher tell you what the newest US state is?”

“ I don’t know, but Alaska.”

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey

What state has the smallest drinks

Mini-soda

I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States

and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time.

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Me: I have a fear of abbreviated US state names

Therapist: OH, OK

What is Mario's favorite state?

Luigiana


(My niece told me this joke last night)

The United States is always being hit with tragedies and crises like a bad curse...

Just as if it was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground.

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring....

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were training for their moon mission in the moonlike deserts of the Western United States, where they had an encounter with an old Native American man.

The man asked what they were doing in the desert. They replied that they were going to travel to the moon, and explore it soon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent and pondered for a few moments, then asked the astronauts for a favor.

"What do you want?" the astronauts asked.

"...

Ben, Dan and Carl were sentence to death by a firing squad because of treason to the state.

Ben was the first up, the general would give the command to his soldiers to shoot. “Ready..Aim...” Then Ben suddenly shouted “EARTHQUAKE!!” All the soldiers hid for cover and Ben escaped. Dan was next. “Ready...Aim...” Then Dan Screamed “TSUNAMI!!” The soldiers hid for cover again and they lost Ben ...

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

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Florida: I’m the most fucked up state.

Alabama: Hold my sister

Julie Andrews has officially stated

That she will no longer endorse cheap lipstick, due to it crumbling easily and making her breath smell. She explained,

“ The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.”

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

My late uncle has left me a stately home in his will....

I haven't a clue where Sod hall is, but I'm sure it will be very grand....

If there are mid-west states in the U.S. ...

... why are there no mid-east ones?

A mans wife warns him if he comes home drunk after a night out again she'll kick him out.

He goes out with his mates to the pub with a promise to his wife he shall be home by midnight and will not get drunk. He gets to the bar, several hours and many drinks later, the man is in a terrible state.

He has thrown up over himself, fallen over and generally ended up blind drunk. His mat...

A recent survey found out what state is the most American

You'd think it'd be New York or Texas, but no, it's crisis.

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A guy is sitting in a bar, drinking heavily...

Suddenly he throws up down the front of his shirt and starts sobbing to himself. "What's wrong?", the bartender asks. "I can't go home like this. My wife would rip my head off if she saw me staggering through the door in this state." "Aha!", said the bartender, "here's what you'll do. Put a 20 dolla...

I dont see why we need to leave our planet in a better state for future generations

The current generation cant get out of middle school before dying off.

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A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."

The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: "Okay, just don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent exploded, exclaiming: "Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!"

"That may as well be," said the rancher, "But you'd bet...

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Two nums were ordered to paint the sanctuary which was being refurbished.

To avoid splattering paint on their habits, they decided to lock the doors and paint in the nude.

After a while, they heard a knock on the door and asked "Who is it?"
The answer came back "Blind man!"

They shrugged and decided to open the door, the blind man couldn't see their...

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

" The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?...

What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite state?

Hawai-HeeHee

What state loves a sport so much they named themselves after it?

It's tennis, see?

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

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A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way...

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? Wh...

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What could possibly be making such a seductive sound?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

Schrodinger’s cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it’s widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he’s rolling in his grave...

and not

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a...

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

What state has the lead in the United States?

Pencilvania.

Got stopped by a state trooper the other day

Trooper: sir, why do you have a penguin in the car?
Me: oh, dont worry im taking him to the zoo
(Couple hours later, got stopped again)
Trooper: sir, i thought you were taking that penguin to the zoo?
Me: i did, but now i have to take him back home!

I heard on the TV, "no arms race between Russia and the United States"

I thought to myself, "I didn't even know the Paralympics were on"

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A man goes on a business trip

Eager to keep his wife out of trouble while he was away on a long business trip, a businessman went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. After browsing through the dildos for something special, he decided to ask the old guy behind the counter.

The old man said "We have vi...

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

My friend asked me what I thought about the state North of Texas

I told him it's OK

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A State Trooper is working on a dark and rainy night

He gets a call of a fatal wreck. He arrives on scene to find a car hit a tree the driver was dead on the pavement. He notices that when the woman went through the windshield it stripped off all her clothing. He used his rain jacket to cover her face and big beautiful breast and his hat to cover her ...

All of the states in the continental US got together for a party. The only rule was that each state could only hang out with the states it borders. Everybody was having fun except for one state who said

"Is everyone else stuck talking to only one state, or is it just ME?"

A man goes to his younger brother’s wedding.

While at the wedding, he feels a little sad because he hasn’t had his own wedding yet, but his younger brother is already getting married.

At the wedding, he meets an old man who has a reputation of being pretty mean. When the old man sees the guy, he smirks and says,”When’s your turn?” The o...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat, in the middle of a lake.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “Check out what I can do!” He proceeds to stand up in the boat, strike his staff, and boom! The water parts and the boat is resting on the bottom! After holding the water back for a few seconds, he releases his hold on the water. “I bet you can’t do anything that beats...

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Three pregnant women...

Are sitting in the OBGYN office knitting baby sweaters.

The first woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a small pill. She states "this is folic acid, it's an important vitamin for development of my baby," then resumes her knitting.

The second woman reaches into her purse, pulls ou...

A policeman catches a man with some weed in his pocket

"You're going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!" the policeman stated.

"But officer, this weed isn't mine. It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet." the man replied.

"Oh, really? This I gotta see. If you can prove it, you're free to go!" the p...

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After the death of her husband, a woman puts a sign on her front porch...

The sign states that any man who: 1. Will treat her nicely, 2. Won't leave her, and 3. Who is good in bed can stay with her. A few days later, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs. He says, "I'm here regarding the sign on your front porch. As you ca...

I have some jokes about the states of matter.

But I don't think they're solid enough.

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Three guys were standing on the roof of the Empire State Building.

The first said: "You know, the wind currents here in New York are so strong that you could step off the edge of this building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current"

"You're crazy", said the second guy.

"You don't believe me?", said the first...

What state are the interior ingredients of a sandwich from?

Alabama, because they're in bread.

Anyone hear about the conspiracy theorist who died and went to heaven?

When he arrived, God stated that He grants all His children one question. The man promptly asked, "Who killed Kennedy?" God replied, "It was Lee Harvey Oswald, on the 6th floor, with his own gun, and he acted alone." The man thought for a moment then disappointingly replied "This goes higher u...

The oldest job in the world

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest professio...

The leaders of Russia, North Korea and the United States fly up to the international space station...

Upon their arrival, they all marvel at the view of the earth from such magnificent heights. They begin to toss around ideas of ways they could all benefit from the ISS.

The Russian leader talks about all of the opportunities to use imaging to spy on people from outerspace. The other leaders ...

why is reverse cowgirl position not popular in southern states?

because you do not turn your back on the family

A lawyer, an engineer and an accountant are applying for a job

at the job interview, they each get asked the same simple question, and are told to justify their answer. The question is, "what is two plus two?"

The lawyer takes out his briefcase and produces the 1978 docket wherein the case of Casey vs the State, two plus two was proven to be four.
...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

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So a Cruise Ship Sinks...

So a cruise ship sinks in the middle of the pacific and three guys find themselves stranded on a desert island after being adrift in a life raft for a week.

After being on the island for a couple days a plane flies overhead and sees their SOS on the beach. With their supplies almost exhauste...

The President of the United States delivered a speech in Algeria recently...

"I would first like to apologise to the fine people of Algeria that I can not address them in their own language. Unfortunately, I was never that good at algebra."

What’s the difference between terrorism and democracy?

Whether the United States is attacking or being attacked.

What is the state that has the most colds?

Mass-ACHOO-setts

A man was telling his neighbor...

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

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[NSFW] The Vatican is about to select 5 archbishops from a group of 30 religious and pious priests. Due to previous scandals and accusations the Pope has decided to make the appointment procedure different and complicated so that only the best remains.

All the priests were stripped naked and a bell was tied to their penis. After that right in front of them, a group of 30 gorgeous nude women were brought. The goal was to find out how much resistance the priests have and how strong their devotion to God was. The ladies started to dance, twerk, even ...

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A man goes to the doctor with a strange growth on his forehead

After a thorough examination, the doctor informs him that a penis is growing from his forehead.

Enraged, the man states, “you’re telling me I’ll have to look at this thing dangling in front of my face forever?”

To which the doctor replied, “oh no, once the balls come in you won’t see ...

Why don't people from Alabama like to leave their state?

Because it's their incestral home

There's Georgia, the state, and Georgia, the country...

But my favorite will always be Georgia, the Jungle.

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