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State Jokes

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel
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My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!
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Texas is the Lone Star state.

Of course, that’s out of a possible 5 stars.
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What are the worst three states to live?

State of Despair. / State of Confusion. / State of Poverty.
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A German man walks into a McDonald's in the United States...

After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonalds in Germany.

An American customer overhears the man's order, and he approaches the German man and says, "How could you be so stupid? you cannot order beer here." while lau...
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In which state is the Great Salt Lake?

Liquid
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If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”
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The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare ...
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A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said ...
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President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.

Solid, liquid and gas.
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It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.
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62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville".

Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.
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My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."
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The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...
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My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey.
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Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.

Denial.
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The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...
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State Trooper pulls a car over

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and a juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

 

The tr...

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.
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Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...
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Did you know that the state vegetable and official state pastime of Alabama are the same thing?

Pumpkin
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...
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Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, "Sara, I'd like to ride in that airplane."....

Sara always replied, "I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, "Sara, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."


S...
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A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building...

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
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Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF
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Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.
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Dr. Watson approached the infamous detective and informed him about his uncomfortable state of prolonged constipation.

"No shit, Sherlock.'

A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME."

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide t...
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What is the most mediocre state?

OK
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As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.
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I had an email from the state lottery telling me I'm a loser

I didn't even buy a ticket!
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While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”


“No problem, just let me in,” s...
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What state has the smallest soft drinks?

Minisoda
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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discoveredthat if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head i...

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Pornhub could increase there viewership in the southern states...

If they just dropped "step" from all titles

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

United States 2020 Election results are in!

Oh wait sorry this is just for us Russians.
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The Florida / Florida State rivalry...

briefly extended to sports drinks. The University of Florida created Gatorade, Florida State came back with Seminole Fluid.
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United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and or...
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I just got wrongfully fired from my job for "being in a state of constant sexual arousal"

Which is absolutely ridiculous. Everyone around me knows that I'm a dedicated employee who is always hard at work.

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A State Trooper Is Driving Down The Highway...

It's about 6am, and as he rounds the curve, he sees a figure kneeling down by a tree off the edge of the road.

Turning on his lights, he eases over and as he gets closer, he can see that the figure is a very naked man who is chained to the tree.

Getting out of the car, the officer mov...

Alabama is a really progressive state...

Because when a woman gets married in Alabama she doesn't have to change her name!
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Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...
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What's the biggest city in the United States?

Obesity
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I can't believe Penn State took the Joe Paterno Statue down.

They should have just turned it so it looked the other way.
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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,...
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I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.
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A senior citizen is pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.

The trooper says, “If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The old gentleman replies, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.” The trooper frowns. “That’s a repost, sir. You’re under arrest. I’m afraid I...
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A state trooper just pulled me over...

He walked up to my car and opened his ticket book.

I said, "you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Louisiana State Trooper Ball aren't you?"

He replied, "Louisiana State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence.

Then he closed his book, walked ...
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Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
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BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.

They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
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A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the
interior light brightly glowing.  

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man

behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. 

He immediately notices a young woman in t...
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My dad played basketball for Penn State!

My bad, I meant state pen.
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50 Jokes for 50 US States Part II

# Alaska

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, 'Where were you on the night of October to April?'

Disclaimer: This is not my joke. And I sure hope that its not a repost from any of the subs. I am sure that there will be numerous va...
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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

What's a pirate's favorite US state?

Yarr, that be the Tennessea.
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I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.
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What’s the difference between the president of Ukraine, and the president of the United States?

The president of Ukraine is a comedian, the president of the United States is a joke.
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We should get all the ex-USSR states back together

Then we could have a Soviet re-Union
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I just got pulled over by a dyslexic state trooper.

He gave me an IUD.
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Florida is the sunshine state

But clearly not the brightest state
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TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."

Now we wait.
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The Arkansas state library burnt down

Both books were destroyed and one wasn’t even completely colored in yet.
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A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death

He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".
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Forget separation of church and state...

... I need separation of home and work.
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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully ...
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What state do prostitutes fight over?

Idaho.

What is the difference between New Zealand and the United States?

In New Zealand the sheep have four legs
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50 Jokes for 50 US States

# ALABAMA

When a visitor to a town in Alabama spotted a dog attacking a boy, he grabbed the animal and throttled it with his bare hands. An impressed reporter saw the incident and told him the next day's headline would scream "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

'...
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So the Pope is on state visit...

So the Pope is on state visit to the US and is travelling in his limousine towards the hotel from JFK. Halfway there he tries to convince his chauffeur if he may drive it himself.

"Sorry mr Pope. 'Tis against company policy for clients to drive."

"Yeah but can't you make an exception j...

"In what state were you born?"

"Well, I...I was naked."
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A state surveyor visits a Maine farm.

He tells the old farmer that it's been discovered that his farm may actually be in New Hampshire, and not Maine. After several days of surveying, checking and rechecking, the surveyor tells the old farmer "Yep, I was right, your farm is in New Hampshire, not Maine."
"Good thing," says the old far...
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There are five states of matter.

1. Solid
2. Liquid
3. Gas
4. Plasma
5. Black Lives
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In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?

Naked & screaming, just like the rest of us.
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Some people don't know which American state puns are terrible, and which ones good.

I Tennessee the difference, though.
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state of the art watch

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at

his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"



"No," he replies, "Q has just given me t...
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A man calls up the White House and tells the receptionist, "I would like to become the next president of the United States."

The receptionist asks, "What are you, an idiot?"

The man asks, "Why, is it required?"
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If Jesus came back and saw the state of the world then...

...boy would he be cross
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A bar on the Empire State Building..

So as some people know, there's a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One night, 2 guys were drinking and one guy says, "hey did you guys know that one of the reasons this building has such interesting design is that they made it so when people jump out of windows, the wind holds th...

A certain President of the Uinted States attends a World Series Game.

As the game is about to begin, the President grabs his wife and throws her through the window of the VIP box. As she lands on the horrified attendees seated below, a frantic aide comes running over yelling

"Nonononono, Mr. President! It's "throw the first *pitch*!"
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The Moscow State Circus are sad to announce...

The passing of their Human Cannonball.
A spokesman said they hoped that one day they might be able to find a replacement, but aren't sure they'll ever find another man of his calibre.
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What’s a state that every Japanese person knows?

Oh-Hai-Yo

The current U.S. Secretary of State and the 16th U.S. president have something in common…

They’re both a Blinken
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Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".
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Donald Trump was the President of United States

It’s not so funny now but your grand children will laugh. This joke is 50 years ahead of its time.
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Why, in the United States, do we not have the letter "u" in words like "favourite" and "colour"?

Because fuck u and no one likes u, that's why.

The United States doesn't use torture techniques such as water boarding

The prefer the term "tactical baptism"
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What state wears glasses?

Mississippi, because it has four eyes.
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The egg and the cream went on a date to the state fair.

They played all the games, saw all the animals, and wanted to go on the rides. After the ferris wheel and the merry go round the cream was feeling a little bit sick, but wanted to ride the tilt a whirl anyway. At the end the egg asked the cream "Are you ok? You are looking a bit yellow." The cream r...

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I read an article that said "there have been no reported glueten allergies in the state of West Virginia"

I thought it was inbred?

Montana State Golfer Warning

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions, and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest’s golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on th...
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A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year.
That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bul...
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A friend asked me what the Northernmost American state was. I said I didn’t know, but my wife does…

I’ll ask ‘er.
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Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I d...
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What state has the most writers?

Pencil-vania
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A Small Collection of US State Jokes

**Georgia**

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,0...
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A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years lat...
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I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...
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West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.

Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.

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The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”
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The ISDS (Investor-State Dispute Settlement) clause of TTIP sounds so crazy that I begin to wonder:

ISDS the real life? Or ISDS just fantasy?
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I wonder what my wife's favourite US state is.

Maybe Alaska.
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50 Jokes for 50 US States Part V

# California

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) want to see who is the best at catching perps. So, a rabbit is released into the forest, and each of them has to catch it.

In goes CIA. They place...
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An Oklahoma State Trooper pulls over a circus clown for speeding

The trooper asks the clown "Why were you driving so fast?" The clown says "I'm headed to Tulsa for a circus show and I don't want to be late." The trooper asks the clown "What do you do in the show?" "I'm a juggler" says the clown.

"Alright" says the trooper, "If you juggle for me here, I won...
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What did it cost the state to give the convicted cannibal his last meal?

An arm and a leg
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What is Homer Simpson’s Favorite State?

Colora-doh’!
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In what state are babies less annoying?

Liquid
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I heard that in the States that snitches get stitches...

And everyone else has to wait 3 months in urgent care
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Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"

The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him.
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In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state.

All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.
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A land surveyor is redrawing the state lines in Rural Western Maine…

He happens upon an isolated farmhouse with a bunch of signs that say things like “Maine Pride” , “Parking for Mainers Only” and “Welcome to Maine Now Leave!” However he discovers that there has actually been a zoning mistake and the house is located just over the line in Vermont. He nervously knoc...
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Two Middle Eastern men move to the United States.

After receiving dirty looks, and rude comments day after day, they soon figure out that they needed to "Americanize" themselves in order to fit in. Both men part ways on their journey to become Americans. The men do not see each other for five years, until one day they happen to bump into each other...

The Missouri state legislature is considering a ban on female legislators' clothing that leaves their arms exposed

I never thought I'd see a Republican state trying to overturn the right to bare arms

(Yes, this is actually happening)
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A blonde got tired of blonde jokes

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last n...
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My buddy told me he has a girlfriend in every state!

1 in a state of denial, 1 in a state of regret, 1 in a state of remorse...
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To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.

I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
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state humor

what did one state say to prove his credentials as a carpenter?

arkanSAW
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I had a rancher ask me to help him round up his cattle. I asked him how many he has and he stated 99.

I said 100, you’re welcome!
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People often rank a person's attractiveness out of ten, but what is considered a ten in some states would be considered differently elsewhere.

For example an NY10 is typically tall and athletic but a DC10 is very plane.
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What do you call a 70 year old man trapped in the emotional state of a 14 year old girl?

Mr. President.
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Is Virginia a conservative state?

Generally

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.
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During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

“Wow, that’s impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know"...
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Florida: I’m the most fucked up state.

Alabama: Hold my sister

Which US State is the most self absorbed?

Maine. It's always so "ME ME ME".
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What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States?

We wouldn't have to pay her as much.
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What state has the most muslims?

Allahbama
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The United States has such bad luck

It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
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which is the lightest of the United States?

MA. It has the mass of two shits.

Which U.S. state abbreviation is the best?

I'm not sure, but Oklahoma's is OK.
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Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot

5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.
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