This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building

when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just sh...

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.

Denial.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

Which US state is the sneeziest?

Mass-atchoo-setts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the sad state of my sex life, I have decided to convert to Islam.

My new name is Seldom Bin Laid.

What's the best state to be in during a nuclear apocalypse?

Vegetative

Donald Trump was the President of United States

It’s not so funny now but your grand children will laugh. This joke is 50 years ahead of its time.

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey.

There are three states of matter

Doesn't matter

Matters a bit

Really matters a lot

What did the 44th President of the United States say when he felt lonely?

O-ba-maself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Did you hear that Judas turned state’s evidence against the lord?

He had to go into the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

Mikhail Kalashnikov visits the United States (based on true story)

For the first time, the legendary father of the AK-47 visits the United States. On his first day there he goes to a shooting range and meets up with Eugene Stoner, the father of America's M16. They discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each of their creations to which Eugene Says:

"My ...

I really shouldn't be driving in a state like this

Car's only registered in Queensland

What state has the smallest soft drinks?

Minisoda

Fact: Q is the only letter that isn’t in any American state name.

And as such, believers in Q don’t belong in America

It seems to be discriminatory, but my State's COVID-19 vaccination scheduling website has given everyone with low IQs appointments for the same date next week.

February 29th.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

Three Chinese friends, Chu, Bu, and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United States

In order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu decided to travel back to China.

In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state.

All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter."

But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance."...

The United States Congress has a new sign hanging in the hallway

It reads "Not responsible for lost or stolen Articles"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the prostitute say when asked her profession and state of residence?

Idaho

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h...

If you dressed up like a rodeo clown, broke into the capitol, and tried to destroy the democracy of the United States

You might be a redneck

state humor

what did one state say to prove his credentials as a carpenter?

arkanSAW

What state is always surprised to see you?

Ohio

A State Government Employee sits in his office, and out of boredom decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice-cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! A Pepsi appears before him ...

Judge: “It is stated here that on six occasions, you broke into the boutique.”

Man: “Yes my Lord.”

Judge: “How many clothes did you steal?”

Man: “One dress.”

Judge: “You broke into the boutique six times but stole only one dress?”

Man: “My wife didn't like the first five.”

Trump will still be president of The United States after January 20th

He's having Rudy draw up the paperwork to form The United States Total Landscaping Co. as we speak!

Moore’s law states that the density of transistors doubles every two years.

This is usually done by making them smaller.

Therefore, less is Moore’s

How do Canadians say “The United States Of America”...?

The U.S Eh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a smartly-dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".

The smartly-dressed man says "This is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would n...

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

There was clear fraud and cheating in the 2020 United States Presidential election

and despite cheating, Trump still lost!

A state trooper pulled along side a speeding driver and is shocked when he sees a elderly woman behind the wheel knitting.

The trooper rolled down the window and yelled, "Pull Over!"

"No!" yelled the woman, "It's a cardigan!"

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.


The doct...

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building...

He yells ‟Do not do it! You’ve so much potential!”

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmy Carter, a president, invited Leonid Brezhnev to the White House for an evening of the usual state activities.

As part of the entertainment, Carter invited Brezhnev to sit down at the official White House piano and play a dirge of the Volga or the Fall of Leningrad. As Brezhnev sat down to play, he could not help but notice a red button at the end of the keyboard.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, he...

My friend asked me how I was enjoying my visit in Oklahoma's state capital

I said, "It's an OK city."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clearly inebriated, stark naked, woman jumps into the back of a NYC taxi cab...

The old cab driver, opened his eyes wide & began to state at her but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back & said 'what's wrong, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old cabbie says" let me tell you something lady, I wasn't staring at you ...

Why are there no ikea’s in religious states?

Because you can’t put the simplest thing together without cussing!

In the US, whats the difference between a restaurant in a blue or red state?

In a red state olives matter

A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America.

They will call it USB.

There was a multiple choice history quiz about the states of America.

I went through questions like “Which state is known for fudge?” The answer was A: Michigan. I went through those questions and I got to question 10.

Which state’s capital is Nashville?
A: New York
B: Alabama
C: Tennessee
D: California

I knew this answer. Ten is C.

I was in Idaho last week, and found out what their state bird is.

A middle finger to liberals.

"Hey man, the 49th state is pretty cute. Do you know if she's single or not?"

"I'm not sure, but Alaska."

What do you call someone who always states the obvious?

Someone who always states the obvious

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which two US states are opposites?

Virgin-ia and I-da-hoe

The United States should really consider going to the doctor.

They've had an election for more than 4 hours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.

76 million are retired.

That leaves 251 million to do the work.

There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.

Which leaves 203 million to do the work

There are 74 million children younger than 6 ...

When the coroner's report came back, it stated that my toddler son had died due to neglect.

Nothing to do with me then, I was in the pub.

A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

Washington state salmon fisheries are suing campers who have been walking in shallow waters where salmon traditionally spawn

The case is Roe vs. Wade.

A man gives helicopter rides at the yearly state fair for twenty dollars.

One year, a couple comes up to the ride and bickers with each other about spending the twenty dollars for the ride. The conversation ends with the husband saying, "You know...twenty dollars is twenty dollars" and they walk away.

This goes on for years, same bickering, always ending with husb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What U.S. state has the highest portion of Redditors per capita?

Virginia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A state trooper is sitting at the end of a tunnel and pulls over a motorist for speeding.

“License and registration” the officer says.

“No problem” replies the motorist.

“What are you doing out so late sir?” the officer asks.

“Just had a late night at work” he replies.

“Really? What do you do for work?” the officer says.

“Well...I’m an asshole stretche...

Do you know what the biggest state is in the US?

DaNile it has a population of 74million.

With the election coming up Tuesday, Exit polls show Donald Trump having a 300 point lead in one state...

Dementia.

We should split Michigan into two states

Mich and Mich Again.

I think it was totally disrespectful for Joe Biden to call the President of the United States a clown.

As a clown, I'm extremely offended

Brunette: "Where were you born?" Blonde: "The United States." Brunette: "Which part?"

Blonde: "My whole body."

The state of Oregon is legalizing Psilocybin

And they say marijuana isn’t a gateway drug...

What’s a washing machine’s favorite state to live in?

Washington

It's 3 in the morning and an elderly Jewish man is flying down the highway at 105 mph. A state trooper pulls him over.

"Where in the hell are you racing to at this hour?"

"To a lecture, officer."

"Who gives a lecture at 3 a.m.?"

"My wife."

Two men are driving through Arkansas

when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in Arkansas son....

The combination of legalized marijuana and Canadas cold winter brings us to a state of collective...

High-brrr-nation

Given the current state of affairs, Santa needed something new to give to naughty children this year.

Which is why he has decided to give out coalvid

How many states make up the United States of America?

49 nowadays, Nevada stopped counting.

I don’t care where states are located

If Oklahoma was right next to Maine that would be ok by me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Indian walks into a grocery store...

He's approached by a store associate who asks him "can I have a moment of your time?" The man agrees and the associate explains to him that they are asking customers to try out a new brand of toilet paper and to come up with names to call it based on their experience. So he convinces the man to try ...

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.


The people there told him:


"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Busine...

If a foreign enemy attacked the United States and killed 180K+ citizens, the whole country, Republicans and Democrats, would most likely join together into defeating it...

Oh wait, never mind.

A state trooper pulled over a guy for going too slow on the freeway and having too many flags on His car.... As soon as the officer walked to the car the questioning begun:

Who are You? What is Your name? Do you speak english? You look illegal to Me are You legal? Where did You come from?........

Ok first of all My name is officer Gonzales and I am supposed to be doing the questions.

BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.

They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive

Breeding Seagulls and Eagles has now been outlawed in the United States.

The rationale behind this was that the new creature became incredibly sick upon birth. People have been breeding ill eagle seagulls this entire time.

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

The 50 states and DC each send their fastest runner to compete in a marathon...

The route they are running takes them around Washington DC, and the finish line is the front door of the White House.

At the sound of the starting pistol, all fifty-one runners take off. It's an exciting race.

Meanwhile, at the White House, the President waits in the Oval Office for t...

I went to Walmart today

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the t...

Why is Texas called the Lone Star State?

Because that's the highest rating it could get

A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH

Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.

So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.

She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and ...

Every other country simply does not understand why the United States keeps making such a big deal about 9/11...

"Never forget", "Fallen Heroes", "forever in our hearts",

Big woop, it means nothing to us.

the 9th of November is just as boring as any other day

A man wanted to marry his sister, but it was illegal in his state.

So they bought a house and he installed a single stair out front.

Putting a step in front makes it perfectly legal.

Even the Jewish people didn't believe they had an independent state.

So they called it IS REAL?

Just the way America does it

If the United States saw what the United States is doing in the United States, the United States would invade the United States to liberate the United States from the tyranny of the United States

What's the Wisconsin State Motto?

Come and Smell Our Dairy Air!

An Indian is calmly having breakfast...

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an

American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside

him.The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :

The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'

The Indian answers,'Of course!'

American : 'We do not .We on...

Three Blondes

Three blondes are walking through the woods when they come upon a set of tracks. One looks down and states those are dog tracks. Another says you are wrong those are bear tracks. The third one tells them you are both wrong those are deer tracks. They were still arguing when they were hit by the ...

I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

there are no red states or blue states in america.

they're all like mitch mcconnell's hands

some shade of purple.

A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back--wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly t...

Sean Connery walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which US State Confessed To Be A Prostitute ?

I Da Ho

Why does water keep changing its state?

Because it's bipolar

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring o...

Not taking that chance

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.



With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrang...

A world renowned chemist dies.

A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?
To which she replies
"No, just Barium"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

What state does the Mississippi River flow in?

Liquid

Did you hear about the farmer that called his herd of pigs and ended up being trampled?

Was the first report of sooey-cide in the whole state.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest lived in a church with three nuns...

One evening the priest decided that he wanted to take a bath. He went to the washroom, filled the tub with water, and then undressed before he realized that he forgot to bring his soap.
He wraps himself in a towel around his waist and goes back to his room to retrieve his soap, grabbing an extr...

What state was president kennedy in when he got shot?...

.....not a very good one, he’d just been shot

NEWS FLASH.... Autumn is almost here, and Donald Trump has stated that "It will be getting cooler".

I don't know about you, but I think he's really going out on a limb, predicting stuff like that.

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

My kids were asking me how democracy works, so I let them vote on dinner as a teaching exercise.They picked pizza..

.. but I made tacos, because they don't live in a swing state.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.