This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.

He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.

What do you call an aquamarine aquatic mammal that expresses genuine enthusiasm for gelatinous foods?

A teal seal that feels real zeal for congealed meals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist shared with me that I’m totally incapable of expressing emotions.

I can’t say I’m surprised.

Did you hear about the woman who went down on the dude with a painted face who only used his hands and facial expressions to communicate?

It was mime-blowing

Did you hear about Russel Crow's recent problem with cannibalism? At first he expressed shame about consuming a mother of two.

But upon further consideration he was gladiator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Cake Day - My Favorite Joke - Everybody Knows David!

Everybody knows Dave!

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, ...

Panda Express fired me for emailing around photos of bad stir fry...

I guess I should have labelled them Not Safe for Wok...

Maybe if I express my feelings to the virus it will leave..

Welp.

Three men ascend to heaven and they meet St Peter at the pearly gates.



St. Peter makes it clear to the men that they can only come in if they’ve never drunk, never smoked and never been unfaithful to their wife. The first man steps up and says: “Hiya Pete, I’ve never smoked, never drunk and never been unfaithful to my wife.”

The first man gets the nod o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boy with Phenomenal Memory

A host enters the circus and announces:

"Now a boy with a phenomenal memory will enter the arena."

A boy enters the stage, drinks a bucket of water and leaves.

The audience begins to scream and express their displeasure.

Then again the host comes out and says: "And no...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

I want to Express my daughter's age as a fraction 6/12, 9/12, 16/12 etc.. my wife is really upset about it.

In our house it's really causing division

If a local Panda Express was infected by COVID-19...

It would be known as "Pandemic Express"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was an the express checkout..

A man was at the express checkout for 5 items or less

The lady behind him looks into his basket and sees a box of beers and an Indian meal for one..

The man sees her peeking over so he looks into her basket and sees a bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for one.

The man says to th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the best I've ever heard: "The Graveyard Couple"

Mr. and Mrs. Thompkins, who've been very happy together for 12 years, currently, are experiencing a phase of boredom and stagnation. To change things up, Mr. Thompkins gets an idea: Have sex in a near-by graveyard.

With a mix of reluctance and excitement, Mrs. Thompkins agrees and they go off...

An abbot takes over a monastery, and just as he’s settling in, one of the monks comes to his door and says “Father, I am going into town – could I borrow twenty dollars for a legover?”.

Being something of an innocent, the abbot hands over twenty dollars with a faintly puzzled expression, but doesn’t ask.

Next morning another monk comes to the abbot’s door and again says “Father, I am going into town – could I borrow twenty dollars for a legover?”.

Still the abbot asks...

Impeccable

A woodpecker from the United States and a Canadian woodpecker were in Canada arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Canadian woodpecker claimed Canada had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The U.S. woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says: “The reason for your lifestyle is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for a ...

A wheelie bin collector turns up to a new collection address only to find no bin out the front, so he walks up the driveway and knocks on the door...

An unkempt man with a cagey expression opens the door.

"Hey mate. Where's your bin?" the collector asks.

Nervously the man stammers, "Aah... I... I's bin in hospital"

"Nah mate" corrects the collector, "Where's your bin? Where's your wheelie bin?"

Looking defeated, the m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You didn't expect a snail joke, but here it is.

**God:** To each of man and woman, I bestow a way to sexually reproduce with distinct organs, the act of which will give them the ability to express love and gain from it the nectar of pure pleasure.

**Angel:** And what about snails?

**God:** Snails can go fuck themselves.

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

"Why?", Putin asks him.

"Ah, I can't find myself with these times."

"I fly to another city, call home and everybody's asleep."

"I last woke up 4 in the morning, but thought it was only evening."

"I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday, and she tells me s...

Boy: “No words can express how beautiful you are...”

Girl: “Aww thank you”

Boy: “But numbers can, 2/10”

3 prisoners

2 men are in prison and have been given the life sentence. Now these two cell mates have nothing to do, so they have resorted to telling jokes to pass the time. After a couple years they have been telling the same ild jokes over and over but they ate still funny and every time they tell one they rol...

The lion, king of the jungle, was very bored.

The lion, king of the jungle, was very bored. He gathered all the animals of his kingdom and said:

"Each one of you must tell a joke. The joke must be funny enough to make everybody else laugh. Otherwise, I'll kill the one who told the joke."

The monkey was the first animal who had to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the Great War was a bar fight

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

I asked a pretty, young, homeless girl if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes.

Her expression changed, however when I walked away with her cardboard box.

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope goes into a steakhouse

A waiter immediately rushes up to him, but before he can say anything the Pope holds up his hand. "Please," says the Pope, "no fuss. I just wanted to slip away for a few hours and enjoy some good food." And the waiter gives him a nod and says, "No problem, let's find you a quiet seat at the back whe...

How do Canadians express indifference?

M eh

The best thing about being able to speak to 2 languages and having kids who can only speak one is that I can swear at them in one language but express love in another...

If only they spoke the 2nd language, they'd know how much I love them.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.

 

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.

"What!" Exclaim...

Just developed an app that let's me condense really long paragraphs into a couple of lines.

I've always struggled with being able to express myself in fewer words and hence had to find something that would help me So I booted up my pc and got to coding until I finally did it! I successfully created an app that reads through all my typed and creates the most optimal sentence to summarise ev...

Air Force One now gets a new Code name!

The COVID Express!

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing the other day: "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Write the expression for the volume of a thick pizza with height "a" and radius "z".

*pi * z * z * a*

I once went to a small hotel in Barcelona

Within three weeks I had caught some kind of bug from their food, I went to the front desk and asked if they had a doctor on site. Shockingly, they did. Within an hour he had healed me back to full health. I expressed my shock at such a small hotel having a doctor on hand. He responded:

NOBOD...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman calls her husband in panic...

"Honey, my lips are swollen. I think I may have an allergic reaction!"

Her husband drives home as fast as he can to bring her to the hospital, but when he gets home he sees nothing out of the ordinary about her.

"Honey, you said your lips were swollen?", he asks. She looks down with an...

How does a tree express its feelings on a stage?

Through a mono-log

After searching ancient tombs for decades, a man finds a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.

The genie tells the man he will grant him either unlimited money or unlimited wisdom. The man thinks for a while, then selects unlimited wisdom.

The genie snaps his fingers and the man is amazed as his mind begins processing all which he didn't know before.

Suddenly, his expression t...

“Going down the rabbit hole” is an expression meaning to enter into a strange or complicated situation,

And also to a person exploring their new furry kink.

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy

Can’t express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket

A man is walking by his son's room, when he hears him praying...

and he decides to poke his head in the door to see what he is saying.

"Dear God, I love Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye bye Grandpa."

The father thought this was strange, but didn't pay much mind to it, as his young son was just expressing his feelings.

The next day the man comes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy from the country attended the prestigious university in the city.

With his degree, he got prizes in mathematics and metaphysics. The lad's father came up to the college to see his son graduate.

"Weel, Dr. Thompson" asked the old farmer to a professor, "And what may these mathematics be for which my son has getten a prize?"

"Mathematics is to do with ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sixth grade boy named Timmy was in charge of taking his little brother to school..

A sixth grade boy named Timmy was in charge of taking his little brother to school for the first day of kindergarten. As Timmy got on the school bus, the bus driver stopped Timmy and said, "Timmy, who's that?" while pointing at his little brother.

"That's my little brother," said Timmy qui...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don’t Chinese people rap?

If Korean pop is Kpop, then Chinese rap would be Crap.

Also, rap is an expression of unfiltered emotion and experience, which is banned in China.

Never trust people who channel their negative life experiences into creative expressions

... they're all a bunch of con artists

A man cheats on his wife who happens to be a composer. After finding out about it, she composes a piece of music that expresses her unending rage.

Hell hath no fury like a woman score.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane is flying over the Amazon when it crashes...

...three men survive the plane crash (German, French, American).

They crash near a village and get captured by the tribe. The villagers tell the three men that: "We aren't cannibals, and we're normally peaceful and wouldn't kill you, but our canoes are riddled with holes, and we need your sk...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was making breakfast for her husband when he ran into the kitchen with an alarmed expression

"TURN 'EM EGGS!! TURN'EM BEFORE THEY BURN!!!".

"GOOD LORD, WE ARE GOING TO NEED MORE BUTTER!!! GET IT! GET IT!!! DAMN THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!!"

The wife looked at him with a puzzled expression and continued.

"HOLY SHIT! NOT SO MUCH SALT AND PEPPER!!! JUST A BIT!! YOU WILL RUIN...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A convict was sent to work at a church, you won't believe what happened next...

A guy got sentenced to do some community service at the local church after robbing it. The first day, the priest decided to put him to work at the confessional booth and accompanied him through the first confessions to show him how it works.

First woman entered the booth and said: "Bless me F...

Why does everyone use the expression “When Pigs Fly?”

I don’t get it... Hercules rode on his Pigasus YEARS ago!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

An old couple sitting on the beach...

The old man looks on as a slim and pretty young lady in a bikini walks past. He nudges the old lady and says with a smile, “it truly is the thin twigs that get the fire going”.

The old lady looks at him with a very unimpressed expression and replies, “...and it’s the big fat logs that cook t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde comes home early from work to find her husband in bed with another woman.

Shocked and furious, she pulls out a gun from her purse and points it at the couple on the bed. They recoil in fear.

But after a few seconds, the expression on the blondes face shifts from rage to one of sadness and despair.

She turns the gun away from the couple and points it at her o...

As a kid in the '70s, a lot of my schoolmates expressed surprise to learn I had a single mother.

I didn't know it was that common to have more than one.

I went to a Chinese supermarket but couldn't read the sign telling me which is the express checkout

All I saw was a bunch of lines

A blind guy (Dale) goes to a lumber yard looking for a job. Once he finds the freemans office he introduces himself and asks for a job.

The foreman (Greg) is unsure how a blind guy can work at a lumber yard and expresses his concerns.

Dale explains that bind people usually have heightened senses in the other areas. In his case his sense of smell is extra keen.

Greg tells him Dale that he doesn't understand how that wi...

A man wakes up one day and found $10,000 added to his account

He decides not to tell anyone and just keep on with his day as if nothing happened.. after a while he thought maybe he could buy himself some new stuff.

A week later he wakes up.. again.. but found $10,000 taken from his account. He grabs his phone and calls the bank:

"Good morning sir...

I just found out that aargh isn't a real word.

I dont know how to express how angry I am.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter Dinklage has apologised for tweets expressing support for white supremacy

It's OK, he's just a little racist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals

The cannibal king told the men they could live if they successfully undertook a trial. The first step of the trial was for each to go into the forest and collect ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the three went their separate ways into the forest. Soon the first came back with ten apples. The...

A man and a woman had just gotten married, and were spending their first night at her mother's house.

The mother tells her daughter "OK, you go upstairs and enjoy your husband, and I'll cook dinner". The newlyweds then head upstairs to the bedroom and the husband begins to undress, eager to consummate their union. He starts by removing his shirt, which earns him a startled look from his bride before...

the story of jimmy the dumb student

there once was a boy named jimmy who studied in an elementary school in a small town in oklahoma,

this kid was so stupid he didn't understand anything at all, no one liked him, his teacher ms. dorothy always yelled at him: "jimmy you're gonna give me a heart attack!"

one day his mom c...

I just opened an express clothing alteration business.

It's called Tailor Swift.

I hate it when people publicly express their opinions needlessly, just seeking attention when nobody cares.

But that's just my opinion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my grandpa’s favorite jokes

Back in the 1950s, traveling salesmen would come to rural areas and get some good customers out of it. One of these was Jack. He’s traveling on a dirt road when all of a sudden his tire pops.

He gets out of the car and realizes that he doesn’t have a spare. “Ah, shit!” he exclaims, mad that t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard this joke in Portuguese. It's a bit long, but i hope it translates well.

An American, an Australian and a British found themselves at a remote island after an accident of which they were the only survivors. After roaming the islands for a few hours, they are captured by a local cannibal tribe. The leader of the tribe, then said:

— There's only one way you can...

A couple are on a blind date. She, a New York realtor; he, a Russian businessman. After a lovely dinner, conversation turns to world affairs, and the man expresses some anti-Islamic views.

The woman is incensed, but the guy is cute so she decides to give him a second chance: “I don’t know what’s acceptable in Russia, but I don’t want to hear any of that bigoted rhetoric. Not another word! I’m going to the washroom to cool off and we’ll try again.” As the woman leaves the table the...

Two jokes and a cop walk into a bar...

Two jokes and a cop walk into a bar. The jokes offer the bartender to tell themselves in return for a free drink. The bartender agrees. The first joke tells itself and gets its free drink. The cop shoots the second joke before it can start expressing itself as it is too dark.

A rabbi is hiring an assistant...

Rabbi Hoffman is hiring an assistant, and he’s interviewing a young man named Uri for the job.

The rabbi read through Uri’s resume. He had extensive community service, excellent grades, and had never missed service.

“This all looks very good, young man. I’m going to need help cleaning...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I never understood the expression "for shits and giggles"

Until my girlfriend tickled me when I had the stomach flu

Mischievous twins

In a town somewhere there lived 2 very problematic 12 year old twin boys. If there was trouble in town, they were sure to be involved. It gotten to the point where every time some stranger came to their house it was to complain about something they did.

Naturally their mother had it with thei...

There is a trend in psychotherapy called Anger Expression therapy where the patient is to express any anger immediately no matter how small or trivial.

Its all the rage.

I took a pencil and stenciled in angry expressions on faces of George on my dollar bills.

So now I have mad cash.

The 7 Dwarfs are having their after work drink

And in walks the Pope for a nightly glass of wine. Dopey walks up to the Pope and tugs on his robes...the Pope looks down at Dopey and asks what he wants. Dopey says...Mr. Pope Sir, can I ask you a question? The Pope says yes...so Dopey asks if there are any small sized Nuns in the Vatican? And the ...

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

What did the customer say about Panda Express's Internet Security?

It had nice Authentic Asian.

New boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple is in the hospital after the wife just had a baby.

The doctor comes up to them with a concerned expression. "Your son is perfectly healthy, but I'm afraid he doesn't have eyelids. What we can do is graft a pair with the skin left after we circumcise him"

The dad asks "But won't be end up cock-eyed?".

The doctor says" Oh, no. If anythi...

Three men walk into a grocery store

The fist one grabs some chips and pop
The clerk tells him “the express line is over there” so he checks out his items.
The second man buys some beer for a night with his friends so the clerk points to a lane and says “the alcohol line is over there”
Then the third man buys some fruit punch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo dildo

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the shopkeeper that he'll be going on a trip soon. He tells the shopkeeper that his wife is very sexually active, and to keep her happy he wants to get her something to keep herself busy. The shopkeeper goes to the backroom and brings the man a box. The shopkeep...

The Dalai Lama walks into a Pizza Express

And asks: "Can you make me one with everything?".

An Irish lad just graduating school embarks on his career in business.

Found employment in a nice village. Being a bit of an introvert, took him a few months to venture into the local pub. Asked the bartender for 3 pints, and he took them back into a dark corner table, drank the 3 and left. After a few days, when he ordered his usual 3, the barkeep said "Ya know lad, I...

So I was staying at my uncles...

SO THIS IS A REAL STORY

My nephew, “mommy you’re kind of fat.”

My uncle, “no she’s not son she’s just big boned.”

My nephews expression immediately drops,

“Daddy is she okay?”

“Yeah why wouldn’t she be?”

“Why do her bones jiggle?”

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expres...

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impressi...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.