A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.

The physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that a...

We can all agree that segregation was wrong and separate but equal was horrible. But we can all agree it works wonders...

On eyebrows.

After R Kelly gets out of prison, he decides to go apply for a job at McDonald’s because it’s his favorite. The interviewer asked what separates him apart from others who applied?

He said, I believe I can fryyyyyy

Marsians took an American, a German and a Russian prisoners. They locked each of them in a separate room and gave each one a 10 litre bottle of vodka, stating that that whoever manages to drink all of his will be set free, otherwise they will be executed.

The next morning the Marsians discover the American, dead on the floor, having drunk only 1 litre.

In the next room, the see the German, passed out, having drunk only three litres. They take him to the pit of death where he is executed.

The Russian however, was banging on the door all ...

How do you separate the men from the boys at the Catholic school?

with a crowbar

The Trump Foundation has dissolved and employees are going their separate ways...

Some arr going to Riker's and others are going to San Quinton.

Only 1 letter separates ‘champ’ from ‘chump’..

..and it’s U.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What'd I say to my introvert friends who were jerking off alone in separate rooms?

"C'mon, pull yourselves together!"

The French recently invented a tank with 13 separate gears, but only 1 of which drives the tank forward.

Just in case the enemy attacks from behind.

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple who lived together decided to separate after getting into a fight

They had two donkeys. So the man said: “okay we’ll split them. Each gets one. To tell them apart I’ll cut a piece of mines ear. That one is mine. The other ones yours”
So they do. Their neighbor, who didn’t like them much decided he’d go to the woman’s donkey and cut of its ear so they won’t be ...

You know what separates the men from the boys?

Social services.

What separates having a healthy interest in the English language from an unhealthy obsession is...

addictionary.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I once swallowed two separate pieces of string...

An hour later they came out tied together, I shit you knot.

Humour is what separates us from the animals.

And the feminists.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.

The question arises: What separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."


"I disagree," announces the Italian. "...

What separates man from animals?

According to Donald Trump, the wall he is going to build.

Why did the cannibal separate the meat, blood, and skin of his victim?

So he could eat, drink, and be Mary.

Woman can't get mating dogs apart

A woman had two dogs that she hadn't had fixed, but always kept them from mating. One night she wakes up at 2 AM to this terrible howling.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and is unable to separate them.

She called her vet ,who answered in a very grumpy voice...

Separate but equal?

A guy dies and ends up in front of St. Peter at the entrance to heaven.

St. Peter says “Welcome to heaven! You’ve lived a good and decent life; we have to find you a place to live up here. Hop in my golf cart and let’s take a tour of the different subdivisions. Let’s start in the Methodist ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What separates a sexually active adult male from a 10 year old?

A half a millimetre of latex.

How do you separate two blind people fighting?

You just simply shout:
"I'm supporting the one with the knife!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rich guy and his wife both died and their caskets were driven in separate cars...

His and Hearse.

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy...

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay...

What is it exactly that separates man from animal?

Divorce

Why do you have to separate red shirts when you put them into the laundry?

Because red shirts die easily.

I like my blacks how I like my egg yolks

Beaten and separated from the whites

What separates a good genocide joke from a bad?

Its execution!

So Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter are to separate after 13 years together.

I wonder who will get custody of Johnny Depp.

How does Hitler separate his juice?

By concentrate.

What separates humans and animals?

The Mediterranean sea.

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

Yo momma's so old

she has a separate entrance for black guys.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

Two nuns went to shop at the market. They were taking so long so one said

- Sister Mary it is getting dark and we are so far away from the convent.
- I know Sister Rose but there is a man following us.
- Oh! What does he want.
- To rape us.
- What can we do.
- Let's separate. You go left and I will go right.
- He followed Sister Rose.
- Sister Mary re...

I love doing laundry...

It's the only time you can separate the whites from the coloreds and no one gets offended.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Alien sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subjec...

I'd be willing to date a French Canadian...

But I'm scared she'd always want to separate

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ping Pong Balls

Four friends are driving down the road when suddenly they see this beautiful girl out in the middle of a cornfield.

They approach the girl in their truck and decide to get out. They start flirting with the girl, talking over each other so they can win her over when suddenly an old beat down ...

Why are all of Nelson Mandela's shirts pink?

He refuses to separate the whites from the colours

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 men are wandering the desert and find a magic lamp

One of them picks it up and gives it a rub and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me, as a sign of gratitude I shall grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man quickly speaks "I wish I had a million dollars!" the genie nods and the man gets his phone, checks his bank account and ...

Why is Martin Luther King so bad at laundry?

He won’t separate the whites from the colours…

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Watson and Holmes are on a unusual case

London has been struck by what the locals refer to as a mad pooper. His victims are found dead with fecal matter spread on their corpses. Everyone’s on edge, when another victim is found.
Watson and Holmes are summoned to the scene, and after a few minutes, Watson exclaims to his partner, “you’r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and and Irishman all enter a pub, sit down at the bar, and each orders a pint.

By some incredible coincidence, three flies come along and each one lands in a separate glass.

The Englishman pushes his glass away in disgust and demands that it be replaced on the house.

The Scotsman scoops the fly out of his beer, drops it on the bar top, and continues to sip.
...

A group of friends went deer hunting.

They decided to separate into pairs for the day to cover more ground. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck. The rest of the group helped him as he dropped the buck, before looking around.

“Where’s Harry?” asked one of the other hunters.

“He fainted a coup...

I hope this starts your day with a good giggle...

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen f...

A boss calls one of his workers into his office

He tells the worker "I've been working for a long time in the joke making business but I have never seen such funny jokes come out of some people so quickly." The worker agrees hoping for a promotion or even a raise. "But that does have it's drawbacks" continued the boss "the staplers and hole punch...

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Three Men in the Jungle

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways...

A wife's husband and her lover end up at the same backyard party.

They are actually talking to each other, though somewhat unacquainted. The wife wants to somehow interject and separate the two.

"Honey, do you want a beer?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

She hustles off. flustered and embarrassed at **both** of them responding.

The husband looks...

I,m 6 feet 3 inches

But those two measurements are separate.

CIA Entrance Test

3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.

The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to sho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends. They have this tradition of meeting up at a certain coffee shop and talking about this and that while they eat their collective favorite desert; cherry pie.

One day, as the friends are enjoying their cherry pie, the topic of who’s religio...

My girlfriend got so kinky it caught me completely off guard

On several separate occasions she dressed as a teacher, a doctor, a police officer, and as a prison guard. But it didn't prepare me for what came yesterday.

Because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

A teenager walks into a pharmacy in the 70s...

He asks the druggist for a 1 pound, 3 pound, and 5 pound box of chocolate, and asks if he could gift wrap each one of them separately.

The druggist complies, but asks the boy why he wants 3 separate boxes, instead of just one?

The boy replies, “Well, you see. I’ve got a really hot dat...

[long] Irving worked at a Jewish deli and bakery, and he loved most of his regular clientele, except for one guy...

... this guy would *always* haggle over how much he should spend, even for things that had a fixed rice clearly marked on the menu board.

One day, the guy comes in, and says, "I want to buy your finest loaf of egg bread for Rosh Hashanah. I have a crisp five-dollar bill for you, Irving, my go...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is insane..."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"

A guy with an unfortunate last name...(long format)

Joins the army. His last name has the odd distinction of having two z's at the start of it and since everything in the military is done alphabetically hes always the last guy in line.

One day their sergeant gets the entire company together for training:

"Alright! We're gonna have you a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Haven't seen this one on reddit yet

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in separate planes flying over there respective countries.
The Englishman looks out the window and tosses out a crate of tea and states "I give the gift of tea to my people".
The Frenchman looks out his window and tosses a case of crosses out...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...