What is it that separates humans from inanimate objects like shoes?

Soles.

We should banish all adulterous people to a separate country

and call it the state of affairs

Did we really need a separate unit for water speed?

I think knot.

Separate but equal is a terrible policy for education..

But perfect for eyebrows!

Blacks and whites should be separated

It’s not so hard to do the laundry correctly

In the Navy, how do they separate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar

A group of explorers, along with a dog, are exploring the Amazon when the dog gets separated from the group.

While the dog is looking for the group, a jaguar sees the dog.

"I've never seen an animal like that before!" says the jaguar. "He looks tasty!"

The jaguar runs towards the dog, but the dog thinks quickly. Just as the jaguar is about to nab the dog, the dog says, "That jaguar I had ear...

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My friend asked me why the balls and the dick are separate

He doesn't even know there's a vas deferens

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The Nazis party can be separated into 3 things

Sodium Zinc and sulphur

My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them.

I have an uncle, once removed.

My girlfriend borrowed $500 from me. After 4 years, when we separated, she returned exactly $500.

I lost interest on that relationship.

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

I think it's important to keep the races separate.

Just imagine how unfair it would be for a horse in NASCAR.

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While shopping in a huge suburban mall, a man gets separated from his wife...

He starts wandering around looking in each shop, trying to locate her. As he's scanning the crowd he notices another guy who seems as lost as he is.

He asks the guy, "Are you lost, buddy?" The guy says, "Not really, I'm trying to find my wife."

"What a coincidence so am I. Let's swap w...

What did the Star Wars fan say to his parents after he learned that they were getting separated?

May divorce be with you

Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a...

Two men from two separate States met at a restaurant and found that both have left homes in search of their missing wives.

First: How does your wife look, her identity?




Second: She is 5'9", slim, extremely beautiful and always smiling. What about yours?




First: Forget about mine. Come, let's search yours....

The wife complained Hunting season keeps us separated to much.

So I agreed to take her along for the deer hunt.

Took her to a nice tree stand. Told her" you can shoot a buck or a doe. It doesn't matter

I'm going about 100 yds that way"

No more than got to my spot when I heard BANG BANG BANG. So I rushed to where I left my wife, only to find...

4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.

They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday.

Ce...

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So there was this recently separated guy...

So there was this recently separated good looking guy, he was just driving to the movies to watch a film that he’d been waiting to see for ages. Anyhow, as he crosses a junction in the road a car came flying out and t-boned him good. ‘Christ sake’ he thought to himself, ‘I’m just getting over losing...

What exactly separates man from animal?

Divorce.

What did the two brothers say when they were separated at a Western Australian airport?

We were separated at Perth.

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The Hamstrung Limpet

Do you know what the hamstrung limpet is? Well let me tell ya...

One fine spring day, a boy on a playground had a burning question. It was a rather odd question, so he decided to confide in a fellow child
He walked up to a little girl on the playground, and asked her, “Do you know...

Marsians took an American, a German and a Russian prisoners. They locked each of them in a separate room and gave each one a 10 litre bottle of vodka, stating that that whoever manages to drink all of his will be set free, otherwise they will be executed.

The next morning the Marsians discover the American, dead on the floor, having drunk only 1 litre.

In the next room, the see the German, passed out, having drunk only three litres. They take him to the pit of death where he is executed.

The Russian however, was banging on the door all ...

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No child of my will ever participate in the unholy art of race mixing.

If they want to do a triathlon, they will do three separate races like god intended

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Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.

Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to...

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.

The physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that a...

Fred's honeymoon

Frederico's Honeymoon - Fred for the intimate!

At the age of 82, Frederico married Ana, 27, who, in consideration of her elderly husband, decides that they should sleep in separate rooms.

After the wedding party is over, everyone goes to their room.

Ana prepares to go to bed, wh...

The Trump Foundation has dissolved and employees are going their separate ways...

Some arr going to Riker's and others are going to San Quinton.

You know what separates the men from the boys?

Social services.

We can all agree that segregation was wrong and separate but equal was horrible. But we can all agree it works wonders...

On eyebrows.

What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?

"I think I'll call it a day."

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Me: Hey Amazon I wanna buy something

Amazon: Ok, but you need to find $25 worth of items to get free shipping

Me: Why's that?

Amazon: Because our prices are so low, only if you buy $25 can we cover our shipping costs

Me: Ok, I found 3 items that total $25 and pushed the Order button

Amazon: Great! Here are y...

The French recently invented a tank with 13 separate gears, but only 1 of which drives the tank forward.

Just in case the enemy attacks from behind.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."




The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50




The ...

I'm 6 foot, 3 inches.

but those two measurements are separate.

A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins.

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth!”

What's that company that sells the table's legs separately?

IK*EA*

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What'd I say to my introvert friends who were jerking off alone in separate rooms?

"C'mon, pull yourselves together!"

Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they ha...

I'm going my laundry on Monday instead of Sunday. I have the day off that day because of Martin Luther King day.

In the spirit of the holiday, I am not going to separate my colors from my whites.

A 80 year old man is on his honeymoon with his new 20year old wife...

She says to him, "what are we gonna do about the bedroom situation?"

"What bedroom situation? ", he replied.

"The snoring baby, you always keep me awake." she continued.

"Oh no worries darling, I have two bedrooms here and we can sleep in different ones, and when I need anyt...

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A couple who lived together decided to separate after getting into a fight

They had two donkeys. So the man said: “okay we’ll split them. Each gets one. To tell them apart I’ll cut a piece of mines ear. That one is mine. The other ones yours”
So they do. Their neighbor, who didn’t like them much decided he’d go to the woman’s donkey and cut of its ear so they won’t be ...

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from next, until they are gone.

He then orders three more . The bartender says, "You know,they'd be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time."
The man says, "yeah, I know, but I have two brothers, one in the States, one in Australia. When we went our separate ways, we promised each other that we'd all drink this ...

A husband and wife worked separate shifts...

When he was getting up for work, she was just getting home and vice versa. They weren't as intimate as they wanted to be so the husband came up with a plan. He said to his wife, 'When you get home from work, if you're ever in the mood, just give me three tugs and I'll know you're ready to get it on....

My father was a conjoined twin so I called his brother ...

My uncle on my father's side.

But then they were surgically separated, so now he's my uncle once removed.

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down next to a guy with a peg leg, a metal hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.

He orders a beer, looks at the guy next to him, and asks "What are you supposed to be, a pirate?"

"Yarr, I am" replies the pirate.

"You must have some crazy stories about your leg, your hand, an...

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your wife told me you separated due to lack of communication.

“holy shit, we separated?!”

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I once swallowed two separate pieces of string...

An hour later they came out tied together, I shit you knot.

Did you hear about the two identical bikes separated at birth?

They were long lost schwinns.

My parents taught me from birth that the coloreds and the whites should be separated.

I mean, that’s just basic laundry.

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A horse wants to start a band

A horse wants to start a band. However, he can’t sing; So he goes to a vet.



He asks the vet, “Can you give me vocal cords so I can sing?” The vet agrees and gives the horse vocal cords.

A chicken sees this and wants to join the band, so he asks the vet, “can you give me lips so...

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[hospital] SURGEON: [lowers mask] I'm sorry, we were unable to separate the art from the artist

ME: is he

S: yes, he's still an asshole

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

What separates having a healthy interest in the English language from an unhealthy obsession is...

addictionary.

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The white cow is ready for breeding

The white cow is ready for breeding and little Jimmy's dad explains that the white cow needs a visit from the bull and that the brown cow is too young so they will need to keep it separated until it gets older.

Two hours later Jimmy runs to his dad and says "the bull just fucked the brown c...

Why do white supremacists like laundry?

Because they get to separate coloureds from whites.

What separates man from animals?

According to Donald Trump, the wall he is going to build.

A set of identical twins are separated at birth

A mother in Italy was unable to keep her babies, she had two identical twin boys. Unfortunately she couldn’t find a family to take both children so two separate families each took one of the boys. One of the families was from Lebanon and named their son “Amal”. The other family was from Spain and...

My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet.

I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy...

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay...

Two conjoined twins, attached by the face, have successfully been separated today.

Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.

Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye.

How do you separate two blind people fighting?

You just simply shout:
"I'm supporting the one with the knife!"

Separate but equal?

A guy dies and ends up in front of St. Peter at the entrance to heaven.

St. Peter says “Welcome to heaven! You’ve lived a good and decent life; we have to find you a place to live up here. Hop in my golf cart and let’s take a tour of the different subdivisions. Let’s start in the Methodist ...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

My mother and father separated last year

My mother and father separated last year and my father recently started seeing someone and it's been very hard for me. There are two major issues I have with his new partner.

He's black.

A man and his son go for a walk through the woods and get separated.

After frantically searching for his son, the man finally finds him standing over a dead animal and poking it with a stick.

“Dad, what’s this?” The boy asks

“Carrion, my wayward son.”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

If you were looking for a punchline them im sorry to say but its in the title. Now i know this breaks the rules but for this specific joke to have the punchline separate just destroys the underlying potential humor.

Why did the cannibal separate the meat, blood, and skin of his victim?

So he could eat, drink, and be Mary.

Today a Scam Artist was caught.

He had been selling "the Elixir of Immortality".

Police have discovered that he's been caught doing this four separate times, in 2007, 1993, 1987 and 1884.

A southern baptist and her two daughters are shopping at the mall, when suddenly, the three are separated

In hopes of finding her children, she talked to the employee at the Customer Service kiosk


Southern Baptist Woman: I'm looking for my daughters, have you seen them?







Kiosk Worker: I can't say I have. May I have their names, please?






...

Why do you have to separate red shirts when you put them into the laundry?

Because red shirts die easily.

What separates a good genocide joke from a bad?

Its execution!

Two twins were separated at birth

One of them lived in Cuba, and was named Juan. The other lived in Egypt, and was named Jamal.
10 years after their birth, their birth mother was sent a picture of one of the twins. "I wish I could see the other one," she said. The adoption mother then said,
" If you've seen juan, you've seen j...

Where do you go when you're white and caught speeding, then get separated into different colours only to come out bent and totally different to how you came in?

Prism

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My sex life and my taxes fall in the same category.

Married, but filing separately.

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There were once three friends who were absolutely inseparable in high school.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways.
One of the friends went on to become a very successful defense attorney. Top of his class at Harvard Law, opened his own firm, made e...

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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

So Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter are to separate after 13 years together.

I wonder who will get custody of Johnny Depp.

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