UPJOKE
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What separates bad jokes from dad jokes?

Condoms.

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Reddit should add separate NSFW tags for gore and porn

I'm so tired of my boners being ruined by these hot ladies.

I used to be two separate cells in two human bodies…

now i’m a human body in a separate cell

my girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. after 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100

I lost interest in that relationship.

I heard they exhumed the remains of a legendary French leader, and disassembled his skeleton into 206 separate pieces...

Napoleon bone-apart

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes

The first was filled with beer, the second with wine, the third with whiskey, and the last with water.

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

- Worm in beer: dead
- Worm in wine: dead
- Worm in whiskey: dead
- Worm in water: alive

The teacher asks, "Wh...

Your mom is so old

She has a separate entrance for black guys

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A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

Bobs wedding

Robert, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After ...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to ration...

I've come to learn that every groupchat has a separate, smaller groupchat, just without the annoying people.

If you think yours doesn't, then i have some bad news.

The real reason Jack and Rose separated at the end...

Jack got cold feet.

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An employer is forced to fire one of his employees

He has to decide between Jack or Susan. They are both great workers with exceptional sales. He decides to interview them separately to decide who to fire.
He calls jack into his office and says I will cut to the chase. I need to lay you or Susan off, why should I keep you? Jack responds his comp...

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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

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Three reditt astronauts, American, Russian and Chinese go the moon on separate missions arriving at same time, what is one common thing they all say upon landing

"My tits are jacked"

A concerned citizen sees a distraught woman wandering around desperately calling out for someone she had become separated from...

Ever vigilant, the concerned citizen offers his help and asks what the lost individual looks like, and the woman describes a young girl who looks a little like her.

They decide to split up to cover more ground, and after a while the concern citizen sees a girl who matches the description. "De...

My father was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

The WWE wrestlers Edge & Test were big back in their day, even had separate fanbases believe it or not,

Edges fans were called "Th Edge-ed Edgies"

and Test fans were just a bunch of quality balls.

NSFW - Two travellers are walking separate paths...a Scotsman and an Irishman....

The paths merge and they see each other....and acknowledge each other silently...and continue walking side by side.

After awhile, they come across a stone fence with a sheep stuck with its' head in it. The Scotsman turns to the Irishman and says "Och lad! Ya don' get many chances like this!"<...

Five friends were so confident about passing the finals that on the weekend, they decided to go for a picnic. They had a great time.

However, after all the partying, they spent all Sunday sleeping and didn't make it back to college until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the finals then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him, why they missed it.

They said that they had gone ...

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.

As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thou...

I want to start a restaurant for separated elements

I'll call it "I-O-Dine". I think it'll help the divorced find a solution.

Dark humor xD

A husband got called into a hospital. His wife's just had a really bad car accident... He's pacing nervously in waiting hall expecting the doctor to come out of the OR. Finally the doctor comes out.

- 'How is she, doctor?'
- 'Well, she's alive... and that's good news. But there is some bad...

A friend of mine said, “Wow! Your wife and your daughter look like twins.”

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”

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How do you tell the biological sex of an ant?

You put them in separate envelopes and put a stamp and leave it for the postman. if the postman leaves the letter, girl ant; if the post man takes the letter, mail ant.

What do a divorce at the north pole and a semicolon have in common?

They both separate two clauses

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Obama went to meet Putin in Moscow…

…After dinner at the kremlin, Putin asks Obama to join him in a separate room. He leads Obama into a white room with three red buttons and a two- way mirror, and he closes the door behind him.

Not knowing what to do, Obama decides to press the first button. He pressed it and a giant boxing gl...

Did we really need a separate unit for water speed?

I think knot.

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in f...

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A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times tha...

Why do Bakers need a separate toilet?

For when they knead a poo

President Calvin Coolidge and his wife were being shown separately around an experimental farm

When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day."

Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by."

When the President came by the...

Woke up this morning, my BBC app gave me 5 separate push notifications that Trump has covid

I've never seen an app so excited before

Syria has officially split into two separate countries.

They are now SyriA and SyriB

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

How do you separate the men from the boys in Greece?

With a crowbar.

Yo' mama so fat

Einstein did a separate theory for her.

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Three guys get lost in a jungle

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways...

I think it's important to keep the races separate.

Just imagine how unfair it would be for a horse in NASCAR.

Here is an Apple joke…

Punchline sold separately.

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Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

When he said separate America from the rest of the world

I don't think Trump meant having other countries do it for us by banning travel from America.

We should banish all adulterous people to a separate country

and call it the state of affairs

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform pre...

A Siamese twin said to the other, “Wish we could be separated.”

The other twin replied, “That makes two of us.”

Separate but equal is a terrible policy for education..

But perfect for eyebrows!

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A big trip to the mountains with married women and their mothers-in-law was organized. They would go there by separate busses (the women in one bus and the mothers-in-law in another).

During the trip to the mountains, the bus carrying the mothers-in-law had a flat tire. Suddenly the bus driver lost control and the bus fell off the mountain, at least a couple thousand meters downhill. No chance anyone in that bus survived it. Obviously all of the women started cheering up, startin...

A school and a fever, both old friends, walk separately into a bar.

The school notices the fever. He says,

"Hay fever." The school says,

"High school."

A group of explorers, along with a dog, are exploring the Amazon when the dog gets separated from the group.

While the dog is looking for the group, a jaguar sees the dog.

"I've never seen an animal like that before!" says the jaguar. "He looks tasty!"

The jaguar runs towards the dog, but the dog thinks quickly. Just as the jaguar is about to nab the dog, the dog says, "That jaguar I had ear...

Blacks and whites should be separated

It’s not so hard to do the laundry correctly

Did you hear about those two owls who robbed two separate banks?

They were in cahoots.

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

Two men from two separate States met at a restaurant and found that both have left homes in search of their missing wives.

First: How does your wife look, her identity?




Second: She is 5'9", slim, extremely beautiful and always smiling. What about yours?




First: Forget about mine. Come, let's search yours....

My dad was a co-joined twin.

My dad was a conjoined twin.

We used to call his brother my uncle on my father's side.

They did get surgically separated though.

Now he's my uncle once removed.

The Trump Foundation has dissolved and employees are going their separate ways...

Some arr going to Riker's and others are going to San Quinton.

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A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horney.

One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find. As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he ...

My parents always take separate planes so that in the unlikely event of a crash, at least one of them will still be alive to be there for us children.

They're eighty five now --- the whole thing is like some sick joke they're playing on us.

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While shopping in a huge suburban mall, a man gets separated from his wife...

He starts wandering around looking in each shop, trying to locate her. As he's scanning the crowd he notices another guy who seems as lost as he is.

He asks the guy, "Are you lost, buddy?" The guy says, "Not really, I'm trying to find my wife."

"What a coincidence so am I. Let's swap w...

There’s this condition where twins are connected at the elbow and always laugh together, never separately.

It’s called conjoined Humor

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I once swallowed two separate pieces of string...

An hour later they came out tied together, I shit you knot.

King Arthur fell off his horse and separated his shoulder, which of his men did he go to for help?

Sir Jerry.

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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The Nazis party can be separated into 3 things

Sodium Zinc and sulphur

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What'd I say to my introvert friends who were jerking off alone in separate rooms?

"C'mon, pull yourselves together!"

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A couple who lived together decided to separate after getting into a fight

They had two donkeys. So the man said: “okay we’ll split them. Each gets one. To tell them apart I’ll cut a piece of mines ear. That one is mine. The other ones yours”
So they do. Their neighbor, who didn’t like them much decided he’d go to the woman’s donkey and cut of its ear so they won’t be ...

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[OC] Inspector Gadget is sitting in his therapist's office, ranting...

“no, I actually love to be the center of attention, I love being able to say ‘go gadget rocket shoes’ and catch up to a car on foot, the super powers are great. It’s the tedium of life as a cybernetic man outside the spotlight that get to me. I’ve got four separate bowel systems to maintain and ever...

Separate but equal?

A guy dies and ends up in front of St. Peter at the entrance to heaven.

St. Peter says “Welcome to heaven! You’ve lived a good and decent life; we have to find you a place to live up here. Hop in my golf cart and let’s take a tour of the different subdivisions. Let’s start in the Methodist ...

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division...

a guy eagerly asked his recruiter what he could expect from jump school. "Well," the recruiter replied, "it's three weeks long." "What else?" he inquired. "The first week they separate the men from the boys," the recruiter said. "The second week they separate the men from the fools." "And the third ...

What exactly separates man from animal?

Divorce.

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

We can all agree that segregation was wrong and separate but equal was horrible. But we can all agree it works wonders...

On eyebrows.

How do you separate two blind people fighting?

You just simply shout:
"I'm supporting the one with the knife!"

My parents taught me from birth that the coloreds and the whites should be separated.

I mean, that’s just basic laundry.

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

The French recently invented a tank with 13 separate gears, but only 1 of which drives the tank forward.

Just in case the enemy attacks from behind.

A man goes to a kennel hoping to adopt two dogs

The employee there shows him two powerful looking dogs and one small, cute dog.


The man asks if it’s possible to have one powerful dog and the cute dog.


‘Unfortunately,’ says the employee, ‘the two powerful dogs are twins, so they can’t be separated. As they are completely i...

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There were once three friends who were absolutely inseparable in high school.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very successful defense attorney. Top of his class at Harvard Law, opened his own firm, made everyo...

My mother and father separated last year

My mother and father separated last year and my father recently started seeing someone and it's been very hard for me. There are two major issues I have with his new partner.

He's black.

A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep late that night she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs passionately locked together.

Despite her best attempts she was unable to se...

Two identical twins that were separated at birth were asked how they reunited

Well, one said, “we met online and immediately noticed many physical similarities”

The other chimed in “ we both mentioned in our bio how we never actually met our parents”

“It was quite a strange coincidence that we met, huh”

“Yeah, grinder is a wonder, isn’t it?”

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Three couples are meeting with their pastor to discuss joining the leadership team.

The pastor told them to be part of the ministry team they must learn sacrifice. To sacrifice their earthly desires. He asks that if they are truly felt lead to be in the ministry they must forgo sexual intimacy for one month. They shared glances all around and agreed, and closed the meeting in pray...

Identical twins, given up at birth are separated and adopted by 2 different families.

One family takes one of the twins back to their home in Mexico and the other boy is sent to live with a family in Egypt.

Years later the birth parents receive a letter from their son in Mexico and inside the letter is a picture of him.

Ecstatic, the husband runs to his wife to show h...

Two guys decide that they'd go out drinking on the night before their exam.

Wasted on the night before, the two arrive at the university well after the exam ended. They went straight to the professor, saying that they couldn't take the test because one of the car's tires had gone flat. Surprisingly, the professor allows them and promptly tells them to come back tomorrow....

What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?

"I think I'll call it a day."

Did you hear about the two identical bikes separated at birth?

They were long lost schwinns.

After R Kelly gets out of prison, he decides to go apply for a job at McDonald’s because it’s his favorite. The interviewer asked what separates him apart from others who applied?

He said, I believe I can fryyyyyy

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In the time of the Ottoman Empire, there was a wedding.

Back then, weddings were pretty big, and also long. People used to travel tens or hundreds of kilometers to attend at a wedding. For that reason, they would stay for a few days as guests. They would normally sleep in really big rooms, on the floor, and women and men would normally be separated... ...

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Two guys invited a prostitute to a hotel room

They decided to do it separately so the first guy goes in the room while the other is waiting at the lobby.

Then the first guy comes out, the second guy asks: ''How was she?''

First guy answers: ''She was okay, but she was nothing compared to my wife.''

Then the second guy goes...

Why did the cannibal separate the meat, blood, and skin of his victim?

So he could eat, drink, and be Mary.

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