Records Jokes - 31 Hilarious Records Jokes

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

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My penis made it into the Guinness Book of World Records!

Librarian told me to take it out though

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

My neighbour is in the the GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.

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A man records his wedding night…

A man decides to audio record his wedding night and one year later on their anniversary, play it back to re-live the wonderful sounds his wife was making that night. So he played it back and she was saying “ah ah…that’s happiness”. He was moved to tears.

He decided to share this special mome...

Why are murders in Kentucky so hard to solve?

Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

Where do anarchists keep their records?

Anarchive

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records…

nothing was alphabetized!

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Exciting news, I recently broke several new records.

The owner of the record store was kind of a jerk about it though.

For a long time nobody bought records

Then the tables started to turn

I had a job in high school where I literally broke every record

Of course I worked at Tower Records, so not such a good thing.

Our Pharmaceutical company's records show that people prefer Pill A and Pill B...

But I think Pill O is being slept on.

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Guinness world record attempt !

Three roommates were hanging out in the living room one day, when one of them opened an email on their phone.

"Hey guys, the Guinness book of world records is coming to town! We should go get into it somehow!"

The shortest roommate, who was only 3 feet tall says "I'm going to go see if...

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What did Hitler call his records store?

The Vinyl Solution.

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The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says,...

Someone stole all my Bach records

They just baroque in and took them.

A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven

When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"

St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?...

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American Records

3 Americans sit in the Office of Guinness Book of Records, talking why they there.
The first flash his dick with 0.8 inches and said:"I have the shortest fick in the States".
The second shows his birth certificate, is 107 years old and said:"I am the oldest American"
The third flashes his ...

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Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar...

Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews.

Jesus says, "Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!"

To which Chris Pratt replies, "Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history."

Jesus then says, "and I be...

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Doctor's office has a fire and loses all their records...

"I'm sorry Mr. Johnson but the results of your wife's test came back positive, but I can't remember if it was AIDS or Alzheimer's" said the doctor.

"Well that's not very helpful. What the hell am I to do?"

The doctor thinks for a bit and says "I have an idea. Take her out to the woods ...

Did you hear about the guy who broke all of Usain Bolt's records?

Completely destroyed his precious vinyl collection.

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Guinness Book of World Records

Recently I took a stroll through the forest when I met three dwarves. They started bragging:
"I bet I have the worlds smallest hands" said the first dwarf, the second dwarf said "I have the world smallest feet" and the last one claimed that he had the smallest dick on the planet.
I told them t...

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The Smallest Dick In The World

3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one...

I’m making a movie about looking for vintage records at thrift shops.

It’s called “Goodwill Hunting.”

White House phone records on the day of the Capitol Riots show a seven-hour gap in the President's calls

Aides say he was merely taking a Covfefe break.

I broke several word records today.

In other news, I am no longer welcome in the library.

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Guinness Book of World Records

One day Tom, John, and Bill are sitting around and decide that they should try to make it into their favorite book, the Guinness Book of World Records.

Tom says, "hey I'm pretty tall, I think I could make the Guinness Book of World Records for the tallest man."

John says, "hey I'm pret...

I can't listen to my Vivaldi records.

They're all baroque.

Someone threw my 70s records on the fire.

It was a disco inferno.

A Guinness world record judge was fired for obsessing over pun world records

He would go on to describe the firing as the worlds biggest mistake

The average temperature outside Motown Records is

3 Degrees, 4 Tops

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