Log Jokes - 79 Hilarious Log Jokes

What do you call three logs in a bed?

A Treesome

Ship captain is in charge of keeping ship's log.

He notes "NE wind, calm sea, today first mate is drunk." After seeing that first mate asks captain to remove the note about him as it would harm his career. "No, I can't do that" declines the captain "we only write the truth in the log." Seeing there is nothing he can do first mate drops the issue. ...

What did the dog say when he went to the log jam?

bark!

There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a log.

The big moron fell off!! Why didn’t the little one?

Because, he was a little more on!!!

- this was my FAVORITE joke as a kid. I still like it.

Captain's log...

...has clogged the toilet again. He really needs a change of diet.

I slept like a log last night...

... and woke up in the fireplace!

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

Maintenance log, stardate 41153.7: Today I found the Captain's Log.

I must, once again, remind him to flush after he is done, and the chef to change his diet.

Log cabins are alright

But igloos are cooler.

A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.

As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!

Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising u...

Enterprise maintenance log, stardate 2259.55: Today, the main sewage system got jammed by the captain's log again.

Medical promised to recommend a change to his diet.

What do you call a big log?

A long

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German log on to a zoom call

The host wants to check if his video is working, so he says: “Can you all see me?”
The Englishman says “Yes”. The Frenchman says “Oui”. The Spaniard says “Si”. The German says “Ja”.

I logged on to Reddit today and was promised Fame, Fortune, and Women

The cake was a lie.

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I put a log on the fire last night.

My wife thought it was disgusting and I burnt my ass.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

…then my illegal logging business is a success

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A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:
PASSWORD REJECTED.
NOT LONG ENOUGH!

Two Irishmen walked up to a logging company...

Two Irishmen walked up to a logging company, when they saw a poster :

"Tree fellers wanted! We are hiring"

"That's a shame" , said one of the Irishmen , "There's only two of us!

A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack.

The first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.

"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.

"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."

Two minutes later he was back at the ma...

Canada is a logging nation.

Maple trees, spruce tress, and indigenous family trees.

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A joke about logs

So the foreman tells the lumberjack to go do some logging. The lumberjack leaves and comes back 6 months later. The foreman asks him what took him so long. The lumberjack pulls out a book and says "This is my autobiography. I logged my whole life in here."

My boss asked the difference between logging in vs logging on ...

I replied "It is only the amount of I/O required."

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."

Noah being ...

It's January 2nd and the First Officer on a cruiser is looking at the Captain's Log from the previous day.

He sees "January 1st: First Officer Simpkins arrived on the bridge drunk today" and he says to the captain, "Sir, I feel this log entry is a little unfair. True, I did see the New Year in with an extra tot, but nothing out of the ordinary for the occasion, and I was well capable of carrying out my d...

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Captain's log

31.08.1883
We sailed to the West,we hope to find a new continent.Crew is in good mood, food is excellent, 5 girls from the harbor are with us and they are very happy.

31.10.1883
Compass died, we are navigating using the stars and the suns (when it's not cloudy,fu*king clouds)
Crew is...

After looking at my phones call log, I seem to be pretty popular

I even have a guy named Spam Risk that calls me 5 or 6 times a day.

If they found the captain's log in Picard's bathroom, what did they find in the second officers urinal?

Data stream

"Doctor, help me. I've been sleeping like a log."

Doctor: "So how is that a problem?"

Patient: "I keep waking up in the fireplace."

I can cut a log in half just by looking at it.

I know it's hard to believe but I saw it with my own two eyes.

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

A lumberjack walks into the company office to get paid.

The secretary says, “ I have a check here for cutting down 236 trees this week.”

The lumberjack replies, “I actually cut down 237 trees.”

”Are you sure?”, says the secretary, “Your foreman counted 236 on the truck.”

“Sure, I’m sure,” replies the lumberjack. “I kept a log”.

So Mama Rabbit and Papa Rabbit are trapped in this hollow log.

They had been chased by the old farmer's hound dogs across three field, two fences and a gulley. They never slowed down. They never gave up, but still they hadn't managed to get away. Seeing the log, they ran in as a last resort.

With a hound dog barking and yapping at either end, Mama Rabbit...

What's the best way to carry big carved logs?

Totem.

A German, an Italian and a Chinese man arrive at a logging camp up north looking for work.

The boss sees the strapping young German and says, "you look strong and fit, here's a chainsaw, go join the fellers and help cut down some trees."
Next he looks at the Italian, a bit of a belly on him and looking well fed, and says, "You look like you know your way around the kitchen, go help in ...

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At the logging camp...

A Newfie goes to northern Ontario to work in a logging camp. His first day, the foreman gives him a chainsaw and sends out to cut trees. He comes back at the end of the shift and the foreman asks him how it went.

“Jeeze, dat was hard work, but I did cut down two trees.”

The foreman say...

What did the log say to the christmas tree?

**Yule** end up like me if you don't stay away from lumberjacks.

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Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

I logged in today to see if my reply got deleted.

It's still hanging on by a thread.

I log in facebook to see that everyone is at the bar...

I go to the bar to see that everyone is on facebook.

A natural log with her own show

ln(DeGeneres)

Just logged into Amazon's Amazon account...

Publix, Wegmans and Trader Joe's came up on their recommended purchases list.

How Rednecks Get Things Done

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for ...

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I’m writing a book where I document and rate all my poops

It’s called my log log

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If the log rolls over, we're gonna die!

(This is really best told around a campfire or some other scary story circle. It should be delivered as a scary story right till the end. My dad loves to tell this one.)

A couple got stranded in a storm out in the middle of no where. There was nothing but pasture and woods all around them, an...

They should make a TV show about people who dance on logs,

They can call it Log-a-Rhythm.

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

Why do magicians saw people in half instead of logs?

Because the show looks fishy if you use too many plants...

How do you know you're not logged into reddit?

There are /r/atheism posts on the frontpage

What did the Nordic man do when he first logged onto Facebook?

He went on a liking spree.

A lumberjack went to a doctor complaining of back pain and can't carry heavy logs.

He was told he didn't have enough lumber support.

An American, Frenchman, Israeli, Spaniard, and a German are on a video call. Their boss logs in and starts the meeting by askng "How's my connection, can everybody see me alright?" They answer:

"yes", "oui", "ken", "si", "ja"

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

I logged into MySpace for the first time since 2005.

I logged into MySpace for the first time since 2005. It was full of private messages from women who wanted to "Blockbuster and Chill".

My brother-in-law is missing half of his hand due to a horrific logging injury,

so I asked him do you get half off when you get your palm read?

If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'

How Does a Book About Tree Lovers Start?

With a Pro-Log.

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."

Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished...

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

I've got a high tech toilet that's connected to the Wi-Fi and I just received a notification.

There was an unexpected log in...

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it.

The wise old tree thought about it and said "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away.” The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them.

It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone.

The logging resumed and the fo...

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

Two men are walking the woods.

They come across a large hole the ground, several meters across and apparently bottomless.

After examining the hole for a moment, they decide to throw something into the hole to see how long it takes for it to hit the bottom. The first man throws in a pebble, and after a long pause hears noth...

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[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum.

Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don't let that stay in the log," the mate said. "This could add mo...

TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can't feel it anymore

and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.

Noah and the snakes

According to the Bible, Noah built an ark and brought a pair of each animals on board to survive a flood. When the ark ran aground Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply.

The snakes told Noah “We can’t multiply, we’re adders.”

Noah gathered some driftwood tree trunks and ...

What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise?

The captain's log.

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

Math is hard

I just couldn’t figure out the test problem log(na)^bo

It was just all bologna to me

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The second fastest thing in a bathroom is the speed in which your butt-hole closes after a log comes out, but what is the fastest thing in a bathroom?

The drop of water that makes it in.

A husband and wife were visiting the zoo.

They were admiring the various animal exhibits and exotic plant life. When they arrived at the gorilla enclosure, the silverback immediately took interest in the woman. He began beating his chest and all sorts of grandstanding activities. If the woman moved to the left, the gorilla followed. If she ...

Why is it called penetration and not

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A guy goes to heaven after a troublesome life…

After living a troublesome life of failed businesses, failed marriages, sickness, and injury, a hard-working and God-fearing fellow dies and reaches the Gates of Heaven. Upon arrival he demands to immediately speak with God to learn why his life was so rough. St. Peter looked at his log of the man’s...

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How does a tree watch porn?

>!With a log on!<

What does a mathematician say when he's drowning?

Log log log log

What's the integral of 1/(cabin)?

A natural log cabin.

How does a tree get on the internet?

It logs on.

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