What does a circus performer use to read computer documents?

Adobe Acrobat.

Documentation !

Once a Project Manager was travelling by train.

He was traveling alone!

Some time later, a beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite seat.

Our PM was pleasantly happy!

The lady kept smiling at him!  This made PM even more happy!

Then she went and sat next to him!...

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

The EU just passed a new law and one member signed directly in the center of the document

No one expects the Spanish ink position.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

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Microsoft office just fixed tables so they don't mess your entire document up if you move it 1mm

jokes, it's still fucked

A Lobster Walks Into a Bar

He goes up to the bartender and says: "Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I'm a lawyer."

"Blimey... A lobster lawyer? That is impressive," says the bartender.

The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document tha...

Why did the document go to prison?

Because he is a pdf file.

My grandfather was a medical photographer who specialized in documenting infectious diseases. It's a miracle he survived well into his 80s...

Over the years, he told me he developed malaria, dengue, tuberculosis and dozens of unknown rashes.

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

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A little old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

The officer walks up to the car and after a quick greeting takes the documentation she has ready for him.
He notices a license to conceal carry a pistol and he asks, “Ma’am do you have a firearm in the vehicle?”
She replies, “Well yes sir, I do.” The officer smiles a little as this lady was no...

"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry... Because I always back up my rage with facts and well documented sources"

-The Credible Hulk

If I'm ever traveling near Loch Ness or Sasquatch's lair, I will carry a camera to be safe.

It is a documented fact that these dangerous monsters have never approached anyone who had a camera.

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The CEO

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," s...

Job Interview

\- How was your job interview yesterday?

\- Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting on the table... He pointed towards his Laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop.. H...

A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.

Pole: Name?

German: Hans Guttermark

Pole: Age?

German: Neunundzwanzig.

Pole: Occupation?

German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!

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A man is leaving work late. He gets into his car and goes home.

On the way he reaches a long, straight stretch of road with no other cars, so he decides to speed up a bit.

As he passed a lay-by, a police car turns on its lights and sirens and motions to him to pull over.

The man does, and a police officer gets out and walks up to the man.

"D...

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A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket.

But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants an...

How to make $$$$$ easily.

1: Sit in front of your computer and turn it on.

2: Open a new word or text document.

3:Hold down the Shift key.

4: Press the "4" key as many times as you wish.

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Alexa: I need sex.



**Husband:** Hey Alexa, I need sex.

**Alexa :** most certainly... you Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees.

The Viagra is kept on top right shelf of your wardrobe. The vagina gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favourite Thai massager...

A man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

The man says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The loans officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys and documents of a new Bentley Continental, parked on the street in front of the bank. Every...

LPT: Always read product reviews before buying electronics

Like a lot of people, I’ve been drawn in by Amazon to check out their prime day deals. I was browsing through the electronics earlier, looking for a new flash drive for transferring documents between my home and work computers. The primary one I use currently is only USB 2.0 and I figured it might ...

Newly leaked documents from the Whitehouse show the results of Donald Trumps IQ test.

It came back negative.

I was fired after falling asleep on personal documents.

Apparently you can't lie on your resume.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her e...

After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the universit...

Beat em all up real good

One day a man arrives at the pearly gates and meets St Peter. They’re going through the necessary paperwork and documentation so St Peter asks the man, “So, did you have any memorable experiences that stood out on earth?”

The man pauses for a second to think and responds, “Why Yes I did have ...

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I noticed at the bookstore that the "Kama Sutra" and "The Mueller Report" are both in the erotica section

In both documents you can see someone who's totally fucked.

I was burgled last night, someone stole all my documents.

I was de-filed.

Why was the Buddhist sad when he was asked to send his resume to the company as a word document via email?

Attachment leads to suffering.

How can you tell if a blonde has been at a computer working on a Word document?

There's White Out all over the computer monitor.

Jim the security Guard is working at the Mexican/American border, and stops a car at a checkpoint.

The driver shows the guard his license, visa, and passport, but is clearly nervous and is sweating bullets. Jim pops the trunk open to reveal four large bags. He opens them, only to reveal that each and everyone of them is filled with dirt.



One week later, Jim stops the same driver. O...

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In hard times, a young woman turns to prostitution...

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.

One cold evening, the brothel that the prostitute works in is raided by police. All sex workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.

As luck would have it, ...

In honor of both Halloween and the release of documents on JFK's assassination

I decided to carve a pumpkin that looks like JFK's widow. It's my first Jackie O'Lantern.

What is a Word documents least favorite blood type?

Type-O

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

How can California secede from the Us without any documents or agreements?

Earthquakes

Yesterday, three unknown men attacked our fellow citizen in the park and burnt all his documents.

Now, there are four unknown men.

Ted Cruz, according to the news, IS planning THat Either cruZ Or his aDminIstrAtion will be Compiling their documents to maKe a IntegraL poLitical announcemEnt this afteRnoon

[hope you can decrypt it]

A salesman position

(English is not my mother language so ignore any grammatical mistakes) :)

A guy is interviewed for a salesman position, the interviewer asks the guy to take his laptop saying "let's see if you can convince me to buy this laptop, I want you to walk in again thinking of me as a customer."...

I made love to a woman against her will last night.

I have a fetish for legal documents.

Why couldn't the incontinent man print his documents?

He couldn't Ctrl+P

Special agent Walter is on a top secret mission.

He's supposed to meet a woman and tell her a code word before hands him a briefcase with classified documents. The meeting is arranged in a public place and he's given a photo of the woman.

He heads to the rendezvous point and awaits her. A few minutes later she arrives. He readies himself fo...

There will be no documentation of the 1990's...

...Because only 90's kids will remember

(real news) Chinese archaeologists have discovered the country's oldest mathematics document, written on bamboo more than 2,200 years ago!

Even more amazing - one of the answers is wrong.

What's the biggest turnoff for the government officials?

"I don't have the original document."

Two skeletons decided to go on a trip...

Two skeletons decided to go on a trip. They were about to hit the road when one skeleton decided to check if they got all the items they will need. Few minutes into checking, one skeleton realizes that his buddy doesn't have his documents on him and that they could get pulled over by cops.

"...

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court...

Mickey and Minnie are in divorce court when the judge reads over the court documents and says:

"So let me get this straight Mickey, you want to divorce Minnie because she's silly?"

"No, your honor," Mickey said. "I said she's fucking Goofy."

After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide

CHECK CZECH CHEQUES

The year is 2024 and the new POTUS has been elected.

The newly sworn-in president is sitting at the desk in the oval office tending to some paperwork. The doors open and in walk a few secret service agents.

"Excuse us Mr. President, but we were looking over some of the documents about your background and noticed that your physical health and p...

My wife has allowed me to take a second wife...

...if I can get clearance document from Saudi Arabian consulate.

A guy drives by a bridge and was stopped by a police...

Police: Congratulations sir! You are the millionth car to drive by this bridge since its opening. Here is your lucky reward of $10,000.

A reporter in stand-by rushed in to interview the lucky driver.

Reporter: Congratulations on your win! Can you tell me how do you feel now, and what w...

So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer

The loan officer comes over immediately.

“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.

“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.

So, the man ho...

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

A man is given a job at the railroad

However he has no experience with trains. On his very first day he kills 200 senior citizens going around the curve at 600 miles per hour. This is all happening in Texas, and so he is sentenced to death. For his last meal he has 13 Bananas, which he eats peels and all. When they turn on the electric...

To determine once and for all whose superior, God sets Satan and Jesus up with a little contest.

“You will have 12 hours to do the most mundane human task ever,” God starts, “work on a computer! You will create spreadsheets and documents and the like. I will crown the winner!”

With that, Jesus and Satan furiously begin typing away. God keeps their coffee full and rubs their shoulders to ...

Pope decided to drive

(not my original content, and I cannot remember the whole thing very well, so I may have taken some liberties)

One day, Pope was scheduled to visit a village in nearby Italy, but since it had been a longtime since he had driven a car himself, he decided that he wants to do the driving on this...

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A Chinese family moved into my neighborhood when I was in high school...

They had a pair of twins, named Ving and Ling, who were my age. I liked Ving, but his sister Ling was kind of a bitch. Eventually, Ling told me that he hated his name, and he wanted to change it. I asked him, "What do you want to change your name to?" and he said "Lee. You know, like Bruce Lee?" Lin...

I was revising an essay the other day...

when all of a sudden I deleted an entire sentence. I tried Ctrl+Z, document recovery, and everything, but eventually I gave it up as a lost clause.

There is a country that is still mostly undocumented

This country is not too large in size, but it's covered by miles and miles of tar. It's gone by many names, such as "The Country of Tar," and still lacks an official title. According to the few documents that exist for it, the tar covering the country could conceal countless amounts of undiscovered ...

Three aliens

Three aliens, Bu; Chu and Fu, are sent to Earth to document local civilization. They land in America, and use advanced technology to make themselves look human. After they collected some data (including large percentage of English language), Bu said to the others: "Maybe we should change our names t...

Trump and Obama - oldie but goldie

It's time for Obama to step down. As a final duty Obama gives Trump the combination to the office safe and tells him, "There are three envelopes in there labelled "1", "2", and "3". If you end up in trouble, open envelope "1". He says his goodbyes and rides off into the sunset.

A couple of we...

An Asian American man is curious about his lineage

An Asian American man is curious about his lineage. He decides to find out more about his biological parents. His adopted parents always told him that he was born in China, so he starts there.

He digs around and tries to find out more about his parents. He searches for any information regardi...

Why the different branches of the military can't work together:

The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every ...

A cop pulled over an elderly lady...

He approached the car. "License and registration, please."

The elderly lady handed the officer the requested documents, along with her firearms carry permit. The officer, on seeing the permit, asked the woman if she had any guns with her.

"Why yes. I've got a Smith & Wesson revolve...

An American, a Chinese, a Russian, a German and a Syrian passenger are on a train...

The American starts to toss legal documents out the train's window.

The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat?"

The American replies, "We have too much of these."

---

Then the Chinese begins throwing rice out the window.

The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat now?"...

Who writes the most but keeps it short?

Lawyers. The only people who can write a 10,000 word document and call it brief.

A business was looking for office help and puts a sign on the window

The sign reads: "HELP WANTED: We are an equal opportunity employer looking for someone good with computers, Word, Excel and is bilingual"

One day a dog walks up, sees the sign and goes inside. He looks at the receptionist, looks back at the sign and barks.

Figuring out what the dog ca...

A cop stops a man for running a red light and asks for his license.

Man: "Don't have one".

Cop: "Show me registrations."

Man: "Don't have 'em."

Cop: "Show me a proof of insurance."

Man: "Don't have that one either."

Cop: "Show me your ID."

Man: "Nope, don't have it."

Cop: "Well, then I am going to have to call an offi...

Thought this one up this morning

A man from America decides he no longer wants to live in the U.S. so he requests the paperwork to change citizenship to that of a Nordic country, particularly Finland. He spends hours signing papers, notarizing documents, and verifying the correct forms. He finally finishes and brings his papers to ...

[Civil servant joke] President Obama wants to know who's better: the CIA, the US Marine Corps, or the LAPD.

The President orders a single, clearly marked white rabbit to be released into the California redwood forests. Whichever service catches the rabbit wins the contest.

The CIA go first. They deploy surveillance drones, spy satellites and analysts to track down the target. The rabbit is small...

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[Long] Foolproof way to stop kids from smoking pot.

Tommy, Jim and Phillip all get caught smoking weed. They get offered a choice, either educate high school kids about the harmful effects of smoking weed or go to jail. In order to fulfill this promise they have to get at least 10 signed statements from kids at the schools they are assigned to that t...

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My attempt to translate an old Polish joke to English

> A policeman approaches a man drinking beer in park and asks him for his documents. Student hands him the documents and the policeman begins reading aloud:
> -ahh, I see we don't have a job.
> -no, we don't.
> -we're jerking around all day.
> -yes, we are.
&g...

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Oh shit, my computer uses U.S. English.

I wanted to 'save' the document but accidentally blew it up.

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A collection of lawyer jokes.

My grandfather was a lawyer & judge and had a fantastic sense of humor. He has many humorous law books, and the following are some his favorite selections from Larry Wilde's book *The Ultimate Lawyers Joke Book*. Hope you enjoy..

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