A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

An old couple enters a cafe in normandy, overlooking the beach.

The couple are clearly tourists, and when the couple sits down at a table the waitress noticed that the old man is missing a part of his leg. Curious, the waitress approaches them and decides to ask why.

After asking the question the old woman answers, stating that her husband fought in the w...

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

The mother of a beautiful girl enters the office of a general

"General! One of your soldiers got my daughter pregnant! I demand you punish the soldier and the military pay alimony for the child!"

The general stands up, grabs his sword, unsheaths it and hands it to the lady, keeping the sheath in his hands.

He says "Would you kindly help me put th...

Why did the blonde enter the tennis courts naked?

Because the sign said tennis shoes only.


*edit*
Thanks for the sliver kind person

There is nothing more embarrassing than your parents entering your room in the morning when you have an erection

in your mouth...

How do you make the USA enter a World War?

Tell them it's almost over.

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

Enter through one, exit through three. Once you succeed I am on thee. What am I?

A shirt.

A woman carrying a baby enters a bus

The bus driver turns to her and says “My, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” Frustrated, the woman sits down next to a man. She turns to him and tells him “The bus driver was insulting me!” And the man says “You go tell him off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.

Oh my!

A man enters a bar and walks towards his mate

He passes two blondes and tells his mate, "Those girls really like me, as I passed them they were saying 9, 9. I'm so hot"

"They are German mate"

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A man with an immensly large dick enters a bart

Bart screams

A young boy enters a barber shop.

The barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

...

Every time I enter our home my son gives me this fruit.

It is a door apple.

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pla...

Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition

He seriously misunderstood the objective

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man enters a bar with a talking dog

He sits and signals to the bartender. He that tells him that he bets for a 100 bucks that his dog can talk. The bartender says that this would be an easy win so he agrees. Then men proceeds to ask the dog: "What sits on the top of a house?", the dog says: "Roof!" The bartender then calls bullshit, ...

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A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

A man enters a pun contest in his local newspaper.

He sends in ten puns, hoping at least one of them would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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A hippie enters the bus...

Upon entering the bus he spots a nun in the back sitting quietly. He comes up to her and says:
.

-Yoo girl wanna have sex ?
.

The nun started screaming and left at the next bus stop. Te bus driver saw that, called the hippie and said
.

-Hey man, I know a way you can ha...

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.

The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during wh...

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So a nun wants to enter a horse race, but horses cost a lot of money.

So instead, she buys a donkey and enters him in the race, and he wins first place. On that day, the newspaper reads, ‘Nun’s ass wins first place’. On the next day, she enters the donkey in the race again, but he doesn’t win, and on that day the papers read, ‘nun’s ass chokes’. On the next day, the b...

Vittore Santos decided to enter a Christmastime food competition. Entrants were to make 100 tacos and arrange them in the shape of a Christmas Tree.

The winner would win $10,000. Vittore made his tacos and arranged them into a truly majestic Christmas tree shape with taco ornaments and a taco star on top. All that was left was to wait for the judges and camera crew to come by.

While he was waiting, a man dressed as The Grinch pointed at h...

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Why is Antman able to enter Thanos’s butt?

Because there is no more Asgard.

Why did the recessive gene decide to enter genetic therapy?

It wanted to learn how to express itself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a virgin girl say when she enters a room full of men bidding to buy her virginity?

Hymen.

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition: who could render a knot out of a multi-colored suit-tie the fastest. They went on, waited in line, and eventually competed against each other, however in the end they all had the same time.
...

ENTER NOW TO WIN! Second Prize Winner gets 2 week Los Angeles vacation!

First Prize Winner gets 1 week vacation in Los Angeles.

Three blondes are trying to enter a police academy.

In order to do so, they have to pass an entrance exam.

The examiner takes the first blonde into a secure room and shows her a picture for ten seconds, and then asks: “If this was your suspect, how would you remember him?”

“Easy,” the first blonde responds. “He only has one eye!”
...

Thor and Loki enter a bar.

Thor asks for two beers to start off and gets very drunk, but Loki only has water and soda the whole night. They get into a fight with each other. Even though Loki was sober, they both leave the bar hammered.

i can’t believe bacteria just enters our bodies without asking

it just makes me sick.

A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.

Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?”

“For how much?” The businessman asks.

“1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.

“1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessma...

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions. . "What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.

"I was a carpenter", the man replies.

"Did you have any family", Jesus asks.

"I had a...

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A dwarf enters a competition to see who can lift Mjolnir.

Thousands of people try, but of course, fail. Then it's the Dwarf's turn.

Thor himself is in fact in attendance, and takes great amusement when he sees the dwarf waddle up to the hammer.

He squats down, grabs the handle, and using all of his power, lifts the hammer.

The dwarf lo...

Three heftier women enter a bar and order their drinks. The bartender says, "Y'all have some interesting accents. You broads from Scotland?"

They glare at him and one says, "Wales."

He says, "Ok... You whales from Scotland?"

3 men enter the gates of heaven

They are met by Saint Peter who explains in heaven they are given a vehicle. The quality is based on how faithful a partner they've been.
The first man receives a brand new Ferrari. He jumps in and takes off.
The second man receives a recent model Toyota Camry, somewhat satisfied he jumps in a...

A young boy is jogging away from school, with tears running down his eyes, sobbing. He enters a house and...

Says "Mom! Mom! Evrryone in my school keeps calling me distracted"

The woman replies

"They are probably right my boy because your house is on the other side of the street"

A short and skinny guy, Dave, enters the lumberjacks' office

He says he wants a job. A giant man stands up, laughs, and tells him to be in the woods at 5 a.m. 4.55 am, Dave is there. The giant tells him everybody has to clear 5 acres of trees until the end of the shift. The shift ends, Dave cuts 5.2 acres. The giant, obviously impressed, asks him where he lea...

Russian computer: Please enter password

Me: Beef_stew
Russian computer: Password not stroganoff

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his v...

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How do you get attention when you enter a bar and only assholes are there?

Act like a dick.

What would you call an addendum to burglary laws that would state that it's legal to break and enter into someone's house, provided you leave them with a gift?

The Santa clause

Man enters zoo enclosure to feed the tigers...

Succeeds

A woman enters a shop

She tells the shop assistant:

" I want to try on that dress in the window please."

Shop assistant:

"I'm sorry, ma'am, you'll have to try it on in the changing room like everyone else"

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Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.

The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as ...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and and Irishman all enter a pub, sit down at the bar, and each orders a pint.

By some incredible coincidence, three flies come along and each one lands in a separate glass.

The Englishman pushes his glass away in disgust and demands that it be replaced on the house.

The Scotsman scoops the fly out of his beer, drops it on the bar top, and continues to sip.
...

A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but prom...

A horse enters a caffè

Splash

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese man enters a Jew's lingerie store...

-I want 20 black bras size 85 D.

The Jew:

-Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one.

-It does not matter,

said the Chinese,

-I'll pay.

He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again.

-I want 30 bl...

A kid and his father enters a restaurant

The kid says to the waiter: Hey daddy!

The waiter laughes it off and leaves.

The father says to the son: Hey, i’m your daddy.

Then the kid says: But mom always screams Yes daddy! When he is in her room!

A monk enters a barber shop.

When the barber is finished, the monk asks,

"How much do I owe you?"

the barber says,

"Nothing, as my payment was the visit of a holy man of god such as yourself."

the monk leaves, and the next day, the barber finds a dozen gemstones on his doorstep.

The next day, ...

A blind man enter a bar...

and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you...

A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman with a phone attatched to her eye

He goes to the bartender and orders his drink, and sits down with the elderly woman.

The bar tender notices that whenever the young man starts looking at another girl the older woman slaps him across the face, and the bar tender assumes she is an overprotective mother.

This carries on ...

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A family enters a hotel for their holiday, the father goes up to the receptionist and says: "I hope the porn here is disabled.”

To which the receptionist replies: “It’s just regular porn, you sick man!”

A guy enters in a bar, angry af, with an assault rifle.

The whole place goes silent as he slams the door.

Angry guy : Who in here slept with my wife?!?

Some random guy at the back of the bar starts to laugh.

Angry guy : What's so funny?!?

Random guy : No chance you have enough bullets in that gun !

You’re American right before you enter a restroom but what are you once you’re in there?

European.

A Roman enters a bar

He lifts two fingers and says "five beers please"

A frog enters a bank...

...and hops up on the desk of the loan officer.

''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''

The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets...

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A priest enters a fish market.

When he asks what the man behind the counter recommends, the man brings out a large fish. "My goodness!" The priest exclaims. "That fish is huge!" "Yeah." The man replies. "It's a big son of a bitch." The priest says "Sir. Please mind your language." Thinking quickly, the man says "Oh. No. The name ...

A man enters a bar with a shotgun

He yells: "Who slept with my wife?!"

The barman says: "Are you crazy?! You'll not have enough ammo!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman pregnant with twins is in a bank when two masked men enter with shotguns, a shot goes off and the woman is hit in the stomach by two stray pellets in the crossfire.

The woman goes to the doctors and they tell her that the pellets hit the unborn infants but that they would be ok, they'll just naturally pass the pellets as they get older. Years pass and the now mother is approached by her daughter "Mom, Mom I was on the toilet and a pellet came out!" The mother t...

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An ugly guy enters a bar with a big grin on his face.

“Why are you so happy?” ask the bartender.

“Well”, the man answers, “I live close to the railroad tracks and when I got home last night I saw a woman laying there, tied down. So I untied her, brought here inside and then I banged her all night ... until the morning light."

“I can t...

A man with a monkey on his shoulder enters the bar.

While he's sipping his drink at the bar, the monkey jumps around to eat everything he finds. He jumps on a pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender shouts "did you see what monkey did?"
"No, what did he do?" the man asks.
"He swallowed my billiard ball!" says thr bartender. ...

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A man enters a grocery store...

He buys:
- An apple
- A peach
- A pretzel
- A carton of milk
- A jar of jam
- A bottle of Coke
- A chocolate bar

The female cashier looks at him and asks with a big smile:
“You’re single, right?”
The man answers nicely:
“Yes I am, how did you know?”
She answ...

A man enters in a bar and the bartender asks him:<<Good Morn.. morn.. morning... What would.. you.. you.. like.. to.. to.. drink..?

And the man:<<Yeah... I would li.. li.. like a co.. co.. coffee, please.>>
After a while, another man comes in and recognize the first man and starts talking to him:<<Yo, dude how's going? What are you doing here?>> And the first man:<<Nothing important. Just chillin...

A mother enters the bus carrying her baby.

Upon seeing the little infant, the driver exclaims: "Eww, what a disgustingly ugly baby!"

Furious, the mother storms to the back of the bus, sitting down next to a gentleman.

She complains to him: "That bus driver just called my baby ugly! What a rude ass!"

The gentleman retorts...

Why couldn't Steve Jobs enter heaven?

He couldn't get past the Gates.

Bill Gates.

A man enters an elevator of a fine hotel and says, "Ballroom please"...

To which the lady standing in front of him replies, "Oh! I'm so sorry, I didn't realise I was crowding you!".

Attila's wife enters their tent

"im home hun"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk man enters his house after a late night at the bar...

Not wanting to wake up his wife and receive a scolding from her, he decides to take off his shoes. While taking off his shoes, the Coo-coo Clocks goes off.

Coo-coo, Coo-coo, Coo-coo.

Thinking the noise will surely wake his wife, he thinks quickly and decides to extend the Coo-coo sound...

If you're American when you enter the washroom and Russian when you leave, what are you when you're on the john?

~~European!~~ President Donald Trump

Enter password: ‘snowflake’

Confirm password: ‘snowflake’

Error, your passwords are not alike

Riddle: A flat-earther and a round-earther enter a maze at the same time. They each have a compass, and both know that the exit is on the North end of the maze. Which one exits the maze first?

The round-earther exits first, because the flat-earther died of measles while inside.

Why didn't 4 enter the haunted house?

Because it was 2 squared

A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...

He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man enters the doctor's clinic

the waiting room is full of people. the man walks up to the receptionist and she says: Hello sir, what is the reason for you to see the doctor? he answers: there's something wrong with my penis. immediately every one looks up to the man and the receptionist, clearly embarrassed, tells him: you could...

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber gets him lathered, he mentions he can't get a close shave on his cheeks.

"I have just the thing" the barber takes a small wooden ball from a small drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum" The customer places the ball in...

Did you hear about the man who paid to enter a marathon?

They gave him a run for his money.

A one armed man enters a store and asks:

"Is this a second hand shop?"

A man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a pint. After he finishes , he peeks inside his shirt's pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another pint.

After he finishes, he again peeks inside his shirt's pocket and orders the bartender to bring another pint. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' drinks all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt's pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm pe...

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Paris, 1940: A nazi squad enter into an apartment and begin to search for the hidden family.

The soldiers manage to find the dad, the mom and the son, but the daughter remains unfound.

The nazi officer suddenly hears a cough under the children's bed.

He looks under and find the little girl.

With a smile on his face, he tand his hand to help her come out the bedframe....

Why did Ash Ketchum enter a singing competition?

He heard there would be Gary-oake.

A Dublin man enters his local pub on a Friday night, takes a seat at the bar, and orders 3 pints of Guinness

He proceeds to take alternating sips from each glass until all 3 are empty, thanks the bartender, pays his tab, and leaves.

This practice continues week after week until one evening when the bartender, curious about the man’s weekly ritual, says, “Sir, you’re one of my regulars here. If you...

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar

They start ordering beers. The first guy order a beer,the second half a beer,the third one-third of a beer...The bartender shuts down the bar.

Please enter your new password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: ...

A blonde enters an electronics store...

She goes to the store owner and asks him to sell her the TV she picked.

He refuses, telling her that he can't sell the TV to a Blonde.

She comes back the next day, after dyeing her hair black, and asks him the same question. He again tells her that he can't sell the tv to a Blonde.
...

Little Joey Confesses

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm su...

A very little girl enters a room where her father and elder brother were talking.

"Hi Papa!" the girl says.

"Good morning, Promises." The father replies.

"Papa, why is brother sad?" Promises asks.

"Condoms just found out that I named you two after things that I have broken."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man enters the office of a talent agent.

“I’ve got a great act!” the man says. The agent asks: “Ok, what can you do?” The man replies: “I can fart The Star Spangled Banner!”

The talent agent shakes his head: “That’s not the sort of family-friendly act we’re interested in hiring for.” but the man insists: “Give me a chance. It’s a gr...

I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
...

A blind man enters a bakery

A blind man enters a bakery and orders fifty sesame seed buns, the baker starts putting them in a bag and asks the blind man ‘that’s a lot of bread, are you giving a party or something?’ ‘Oh no,’ replies the blind man, ‘I’m going on holiday, and I want to read them on the plane’

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man enters a bar and sees a jar with money

He speaks with the bartender

Man:"That's a big filled jar you got there. What is it for?".

Bartender:"We got a horse in the back that is really down at the moment, so we tried to cheer it up but it didn't work. Anyone can try by adding $1 to the jar and if you get the horse to laugh yo...

A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe enter a bar; the bartender eyes them quizzically and asks, "what're you up to with all that?"

The lion responds gruffly, "Narnia business!"




... I'm sorry.

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

A nurse enters a doctor’s office - “Doctor, there’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible. What should I tell him?”

Doctor - “Tell him I can’t see him today.”

A salesman enters the porch and knocks on the farmhouse door...

... Little Timmy answers the door by sliding it slowly open, inspecting the salesman standing tall with his briefcase.

- hello there kiddo, may I speak to your father? The man asked little Timmy.

Timmy swiftly replies before cleaning his running nose with his sleeve. "sorry my dad got...

A muslim enters a building...

With 500 passengers and a plane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew and his son enter a taxi in New York

“How much to Washington?” asks the Jew.

“For that distance, it’ll be about $500,” replies the driver.

“Could you drive me for free?” asks the Jew.

The driver ponders this.

“Fine, but you can’t say a word while I’m driving.”

So they leave New York and go towards...

A group with a man from every country goes to a restaurant, but one refuses to enter. Who and why?

The guy from the Czech Republic, because the sign read that you can pay with Czech.

So a blind man enters a store swinging his dog around his head

The manager approached him, cautiously asking, "Do you need help with anything?"

The man replies, "Nope, just looking around."

Jesus finally enters heaven...

He walks up to God, flicks his wrists forward flamboyantly and simply says: "Look dad, got my nails done"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men die and are waiting to enter heaven

St. Peter approaches the group and says, "Well, Heaven is a little backed up right now, and only one of you can get in at the moment. I don't have my sheet with me, so you'll have to tell me how you died. Whichever one of you died the most painful death can get in first." St. Peter approaches the fi...

Isn't it annoying when you hit Enter instead of

shift? It's really annoying.

How do you enter a hynpotist's office?

En trance.

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